stay tuned for that. and have a great weekend. tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- meryl streep. >> have you ever been in a physical fight? >> yes. and i ripped her blouse off. >> oh. >> stephen merchant. >> i'm the only man in the world who's ever felt guilty for not paying for sex. >> and music from kina grannis. >> next month, happy meals, instead of a toy, will come with a book. and they'll be renamed disappointment meals. >> "jimmy kimmel live,

from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- meryl streep. stephen merchant. and music from kina grannis. with cleto and the cletones. and now, stay focused. here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. that's very nice. hello there. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming out to look at me. and we're watching you, too. you see these big things that look like cameras? they're cameras.

[ laughter ] we're using them on you tonight. here's something -- i didn't know this. apparently, the government is reading our facebook pages. did you know this? there's a report from the department of homeland security. it says they regularly monitor social networking sites, like facebook, twitter and myspace. that's who is looking at myspace, i guess. [ laughter ] apparently, they're on there looking for terrorists. and funny pictures of cats. [ laughter ] and not only do they monitor the social networking sites. the report says homeland security also keeps an eye on youtube and hulu. youtube i get. but why would they need to monitor hulu? are there terrorists on "parks and rec" that we don't know about? [ laughter ] some people are upset because they feel that this personal information, they post online for everyone to see, is being evaluated. i don't necessarily agree.

the truth of the matter is, there's a lot of angry people out there. and a lot of angry birds, too. and probably -- [ laughter ] doesn't hurt to keep an eye on them. you know what i'm saying? tonight on mtv, a new episode of the phenomenon, known as "jersey shore." as you know, mvp, mike, vinny and pauley, are back in america, looking at ftd, and ready to spread some stds. [ laughter ] which are sexually-transmitted diseases. the cast is back in new jersey, after spending a season in italy. they didn't like italy. who doesn't like italy? have you ever met anyone's come back from italy that says, nah, not that great. didn't care for the food. i was surprised tonight, because the kids tonight, worked peacefully. they co-existed like -- then, about 45 minutes in, i realized i was watching a discovery channel special on silverback gorillas. [ laughter ] and switched over. tonight, snooki got in a fight with her boyfriend, which was a shocker. it got so heated, they had to separate them.

they put jonny, her boyfriend -- they had to sleep in the living room. and snooki had to sleep in tupperware. [ laughter ] one thing about the show, i guess it doesn't bother most people. but it's pretty much the same thing every week. fighting, yelling, dancing, crying. occasionally there's some vomiting to mix things up. but it's starting to feel repetitive. so, we decided to mix things up. first of all, take a look at this clip of snooki and jonny arguing at a nightclub. ♪ >> oh, my god. i was going to like cook you, like chicken cutlets and stuff like that. >> what? >> i'm over it. >> what are you about? >> what's chicken cutlets? >> snooki is snooki right now. and she's abducted. and she's with it. >> babe, can we go back home? >> i want to -- >> and jonny's freaking out. >> ooh. i just fell. >> this is your girlfriend,

jonny. you know? >> i want to go back. >> jimmy: okay. so, we took the dialogue from that scene. and we used babblefish to translate it into korean. then, we used google translate to translate the korean into french. and then, we used babblefish to turn the french back into english. then, we redubbed the whole scene, using that translation. this is exactly how it came out. we didn't tamper with this, at all. >> 55. my central. >> baby, to go down. >> oh, my god. i'm like, as you make cook chicken. and the tricks that occurred. >> is this chicken escalope. >> oh, my god. snooki snooki now. she's kidnapped and completely lost. >> do babies. >> i hold a g. >> and i think that got panic out of jonny. >> i fell. >> i want to turn over.

>> jimmy: they got the end part right. this is a good night for us here on the show. the very funny stephen merchant is with us. [ cheers and applause ] kina grannis making her late-night television debut. and meryl streep is here also. [ cheers and applause ] she thinks she's here to be on "inside the actors studio." don't say anything. meryl streep is here promoting "the iron lady," which comes out tomorrow. there's a lot of oscar buzz surrounding this film. for those who don't know much about it, we have a clip. ♪ ♪ >> they'll rue the day. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: like never before. and meryl will be out here in a minute. this is pretty good. fox premiered a new show in primetime. it's called "the finder." it's a spin-off of their show, "bones." the premise of the show is hard to explain. so, i'll leave that to fox l.a.'s entertainment reporter courtney friel. >> imagine having the ability to find things. that's the idea of a new show on fox called "the finder." >> jimmy: wow. [ laughter ] imagine. can you imagine having that ability? [ laughter ] you'd be able to drive your car. [ laughter ] and find your remote control. it's "the finder." cbs started a new show this week. the replacement for "the early show," which they're now calling "cbs this morning." today, oprah's friend, gayle, who is on the show, scored a big interview with first lady michelle obama. she gave gayle a tour of the east wing, where the obamas live. they don't typically allow the

media into the east wing. so, it was interesting to see. >> i have a lot of fun in here. you can look down the hall and see fun. >> your life is documented, really. and the girls', too. >> i thank the photographers for tracking the growth of my kids. because if it were up to me, what did sasha look like? >> jimmy: my goodness. that's why they're not allowed in that part of the -- [ laughter ] i am so sorry. i apologize. i didn't notice that. you're supposed to watch for that stuff. >> okay. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] here's a story michelle obama might have mixed feelings about. mcdonald's has announced that for the next month in the united kingdom, happy meals, instead of a toy, will come with a book. and they will be renamed disappointment meals. [ laughter ] mcdonald's is, apparently, teaming up with harper-collins to give out an estimated 9 million books. that would never work in america. our kids would just dip the

books in ranch dressing and eat them. [ laughter ] they expect toys. we didn't get toys. when i was a kid, the only fun thing mcdonald's gave away were packets of ketchup to stomp on. [ laughter ] hey, this is pretty cool. the annual consumer electronics show has been going on in las vegas this week. this is where they show off all the new technology. microsoft unveiled a project they have been working on with "sesame street," which they're calling the first two-way television experience. they use the x-box kinect, to let kids interact with "sesame street." well, here's how it works. grover tells the little girl to throw him a coconut. and she does. and it goes into the screen. it's a great way to teach your kids to throw coconuts at the television. [ laughter ] this would be a disaster in hawaii. i don't know if interactive tv is a good idea. god only knows what the porn industry will do with this. [ laughter ] and how long until the portal to "sesame street" goes both ways?

i don't want the muppets coming out on our side. i think cookie monster would be a lot less lovable in person. shoving things in his mouth. crumbs everywhere. he's not a well monster. a new study released by the center for disease control and prevention, say that people over age 65 binge drink more than any other age group. they also die more than any other age group. [ laughter ] isn't that -- i would have guessed college-age students. but i guess older people really pound it. and it's -- that's probably why they think bingo is fun. [ laughter ] a study found that on average, adults over 65 who drink, binge drink five to six times a month. you know how your grandma will sometimes mail you a $4 coupon for red robin? now, we know why. [ laughter ] drinking -- guillermo, you quit drinking for a while, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: drinking is a bad habit. [ laughter ] he's back.

you'll be happy to know. and one more thing. it's thursday night. it's time for our weekly tribute to the fcc, where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ] >> as voting begins in the new hampshire primary, mitt romney gives hope to the other republicans with his talk of [ bleep ] people. >> i like to be able to [ bleep ] people that provide services to me. >> if you want my [ bleep ] on january the 21st, i'll [ bleep ] for the next four years. >> whole [ bleep ]. >> you don't need this. you're so svelte. >> praise god because i'm [ bleep ]. and i'm not lying. >> do you think the bigger the [ bleep ], the clearer the choice. >> great. now i have to [ bleep ] mark wahlberg. >> imagine having the ability to [ bleep ] things. that's the subject of a new show on fox called the [ bleep ].

>> we're talking about dry [ bleep ] and wet [ bleep ]. >> you have to pick your medication depending on the type of [ bleep ] you have. >> are you okay? we heard a crash. >> yes. yes. i'm okay. >> gordon, i think your [ bleep ] is broken. >> that's six. six broken [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a good show for you tonight. stephen merchant is here. we have music from kina grannis. and we'll be right back with meryl streep. so, stick around. [ cheers and applause ] how's it going? good. how are you? good. have you seen this? this is the best bike we have. top spec gears, super-light frame. i love it! right now, you can have it for free. - shut up! - free. yeah. [ man announcing ] imagine if you could get the best for free. - this is mine? - no. - shut up. - i can't just give away my best stuff for free. at h&r block, we're serious. we believe you deserve the best tax preparation available for free. so for a limited time, we'll prepare simple federal tax returns for free... at one of our 10,000 offices. call 1-800-hrblock.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there. and welcome back to the show. tonight on the program, he is the bert to ricky gervais' ernie. they have a new show called "life's too short" premiering next month on hbo. stephen merchant is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and then, a talented, young singer/songwriter from orange county, california. this is her album. it's called "stairwells."

kina grannis is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] next week, we'll be joined by, among others, katherine heigl, tom arnold, terrence howard, dana gould, ne-yo. and we'll have music from grouplove and filter. so, please join us then. our first guest is a two-time oscar winner, who might very well be the best actor ever. you know her from dozens of great performances. her latest, for which she will most definitely win an oscar, is called "the iron lady." it opens in theaters tomorrow. please say hello to meryl streep. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you for coming. >> thanks for having me. >> jimmy: what are you doing here? you know, now that you're here, i should tell you, i may have lied to the make-a-wish foundation. and i'm fine. but it was a trick to get you here.

and i'm glad it worked. are you tired of people telling you how great you are? do you ever get bored of that? >> not really. >> jimmy: not really. well, good. [ laughter ] because have you ever thought of switching up and dominating another industry? like you could be the greatest plumber of all-times. >> i kind of am the greatest plumber. >> jimmy: are you really? >> at my house. >> jimmy: are you handy with the implements? >> well, i'm the only person who cleans the kitty litter at my house. >> jimmy: you do? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you don't have a servant to do that for you? >> no. but i have a large family. but i'm the only one with multiple degrees. >> jimmy: that must be so great to be a cat and go, meryl streep cleans my crap up for me. [ laughter ] no humans can say that. well, i guess not anymore. i'll tell you, you went to china a couple of months ago. >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you known in china? >> i am. weirdly. i was really surprised. because the first time i went,

about six years ago, we went to beijing and shanghai. but we also went to xi'an, which is -- i had never heard of this city. >> jimmy: me, neither. >> only 500 million people. but i got off the plane. and many, many people recognized me. and i was really, really surprised. >> jimmy: what do they know you from? everything? >> i don't think so at all. i found out later that, the very first film to be released in china, after the cultural revolution was "kramer versus kramer." and every, single person in china saw that. >> jimmy: really? [ applause ] >> is that weird? is that weird? so, that's how they know me. they know me really young and with really long hair. >> jimmy: were you over there promoting a movie? what were you doing over there? >> the first time i went to the shanghai film festival. this time, i went with a cultural exchange, which is kind of an amazing group of people. >> jimmy: who was there?

>> well, yo-yo ma and a lot of people from silk road, which is a group that he brings, musicians from uzbekistan and all over the world. and brooklyn. yeah. [ laughter ] and he got them together. and we did a big concert in a hall there in the egg. you know, what they built for the olympics? and i was there to read a poem. >> jimmy: oh. >> and yo-yo ma played cello, accompanying me while i did this poem. >> jimmy: oh. and the poem was in english? or chinese? >> it was in english. and i had also learned it in chinese. but -- >> jimmy: of course you had. [ laughter ] you learned it -- how long did it take you to learn a poem in chinese? how long a poem are we talking about here? >> it took me a long time because -- >> jimmy: it's chinese. >> "a." and, "b," there's a thing about chinese.

if you say a word with a different melody, it means a different thing. you know? so, the word ma, means mother. ma. if you say it that way. if you say -- i'm probably doing it wrong. but if you say ma, it means horse. and if you say ma, it means hooker. [ laughter ] so, you can really -- you can really offend people deeply. >> jimmy: yeah. or horses. >> just by the -- if you want to change your line readings, which i do, you don't want to say the same thing the same way. >> jimmy: you have to be very, very careful. they can throw you right in prison for something like that over there. >> or less. >> jimmy: and did you do it right? did you execute it perfectly? >> i chickened out. >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah. i really did. i chickened out on stage. and i thought, oh, my god. i'm going to say this poem and it will be like i'll say, you

know, your nose is like a hose or something. i don't know what. but i thought i would make a terrible mistake. so, i just didn't do it. >> jimmy: you didn't do it? >> i did it in english. and i did the other thing i was supposed to do, in english. and i just looked at yo-yo and stopped. >> jimmy: was yo-yo mad? or maude? [ laughter ] was he angry? i brought you over here to speak chinese. you're going to speak chinese. do you remember any of it? because we don't know it if you've done it incorrectly. >> i do. i do. it's a very famous poem that is by wang wei. >> jimmy: of course. >> called luchai. >> jimmy: i went the wong way down a one-way street. everything sounds funny over there. [ laughter ] okay. i'm sorry. i'm being foolish. >> no. >> jimmy: yeah.

>> i just didn't want to cause an international incident. >> jimmy: yes, yes. but cause one right now. do a little bit of it, will you? do you know a little bit of it? >> i can remember -- do you want to know what it means? >> jimmy: sure. >> it means -- it's -- i seem to be alone on the empty mountain. but i think i hear a voice. sunlight entering the forest grove shines back at me from the green moss. >> jimmy: well, that's pretty great. i have to say. [ cheers and applause ] and in chinese, how would it have sounded? that's like the nicest moment we've ever had on the show. it's like the only nice moment we've ever had on the show. [ laughter ] you don't have to do it in chinese. it's okay. i wanted to ask you some questions, if you don't mind. i know you get interviewed frequently. and i don't know if people know you really well. so, i thought i would ask some questions that i'm pretty sure you have not been asked before. >> okay. >> jimmy: is that okay? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay.

[ laughter ] last time you got drunk was? >> last night. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a start. have you -- have you ever been in a physical fight? >> yes. >> jimmy: a real one? >> yes. >> jimmy: with whom? >> i don't want to say her name. >> jimmy: oh, really? as a kid or as an adult? >> as a kid. >> jimmy: okay. >> and she broke my glasses. and i ripped her blouse off. >> jimmy: oh, wow. [ cheers and applause ] that's serious. have you ever -- have you ever seen the show "jersey shore"? >> yes. and i'm from new jersey. and it doesn't represent us well. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you know who larry the cable guy is? >> yes. well -- i get him mixed up with jim carrey. >> jimmy: he's not jim carrey. but jim will be delighted, i'm sure. did you have a nickname growing up? >> yeah.

i had a number of them. >> jimmy: a number of them? any come to mind? >> strip. >> jimmy: for tearing the girl's blouse off? >> strip car. >> jimmy: nice. i like that. have you ever bought anything from ebay? >> no. >> jimmy: do you google yourself? >> no. >> jimmy: have you ever joined a fan club? >> no. >> jimmy: have you ever lit a firecracker? >> no. >> jimmy: have you ever set the high score in a video game? [ laughter ] >> i don't even know how to play them. >> jimmy: have you ever dated a magician? >> ah -- let me think. [ laughter ] i don't think so. >> jimmy: have you ever seen a ghost? >> ah -- [ laughter ] i haven't seen a ghost. but i heard something that was unbelievable. >> jimmy: really?

>> yeah. >> jimmy: well, let's take a quick break here, just to tease everyone. and when we come back, we'll find out what you heard that was unbelievable because i can't wait to hear it. "the iron lady" opens tomorrow. meryl streep is here. we'll be back with more. [ cheers and applause ] when bp made a commitment to the gulf, we were determined to see it through. here's an update on the progress. we're paying for all spill related clean-up costs. bp findings supports independent scientists studying the gulf's environment. thousands of environmental samples have been tested and all beaches and waters are open. and the tourists are back. i was born here, i'm still here and so is bp. [ male announcer ] red lobster's four course seafood feast is back. get soup, salad, cheddar bay biscuits, dessert and choose one of 7 entrees. four courses for only $15. offer ends soon. i'm jody gonzalez, red lobster manager and i sea food differently.

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when japan attacked pearl harbor, did america turn her back on her own citizens there because the island was thousands of miles away from the mainland of the united states? no. >> with due respect. >> with all due respect, sir, i have done battle every, single day of my life. and many men have underestimated me before. this lot seem bound to do the same. but they will rue the day. now, shall i be mother? your tea, al. how do you take your tea, al? black or white? >> jimmy: meryl streep, everybody. "the iron lady." i noticed, during the clip, you

don't -- do you not like to watch yourself act? >> well, you know. >> jimmy: you play margaret thatcher, the former prime minister of britain, from her 40s, until her 80s, am i correct? in the movie. it's unbelievable. it really is amazing how great you are at this. it's almost supernatural. and we'll talk about the ghost in a second. but when you're wearing that makeup, to make yourself look like an old lady, is that -- does that help you get into it? is that comfortable? >> it helps. but it's weird. you know? you sort of look in the mirror and i felt like i saw my dad more than margaret thatcher. >> jimmy: wow. >> i looked more like him than my mother. that was kind of interesting. >> jimmy: did you wear it out, around town? >> i did, actually. we shot segments of the film on the street. an imaginary sequence where she goes to buy a carton of milk. >> jimmy: right. >> so, i was dressed up as an old woman. and i have to tell you, for the

first time in maybe -- i've been famous so long now, that i'm really used to kind of walking in a certain way, not to engage in a way. you know? because i just don't want to be self-conscious all the time. >> jimmy: right. >> but as an old woman, i found myself looking at people and searching their faces as they approached me on the street. and they looked away. and i thought, that's so fascinating because there's something about old people that makes you -- makes people uncomfortable or something. >> jimmy: or maybe it's just people staring at you on the street that makes you uncomfortable. she's looking at me. >> they don't even look at you. you're like invisible. totally invisible. even if i didn't look -- i'm saying that because i never look at people in the face on the street. you know? >> jimmy: was that fun to do that? or did you kind of get -- >> it was amazing. it was an amazing thing. it told me something about the

world. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. and i don't think most people can really relate to that. but -- >> no. not until their old. >> jimmy: not until their old or meryl streep, which most of us will never be. we spoke earlier about the ghost. >> yes. >> jimmy: and i asked if you've ever seen one. and you teased us with your answer. so, tell us what happened. what was it that you heard? >> well, i heard -- i was working -- we had -- i had another baby. this was many years ago. my last one. >> jimmy: congratulations. >> thank you. and i was -- everybody was down at the pool, with my husband and some friends. and i was about ready to go down. i was gathering all the stuff at our house in connecticut. and we were doing some work on the house. and we were living in the guest house, which was a little, bitty house built in 1830.

and i was downstairs, sitting at a desk. and i heard what sounded like a grand piano fall right over my head, in the room above my head. and my first thought was, that it was one of the kids. and i said, henry? you know, and i screamed upstairs. and halfway up the stairs, the hair stood up on -- and i realized, no one was home. and i searched -- there's only two rooms upstairs in this little house. there was nothing out of place. there was nothing in the attic. there was nothing on the roof. and i heard, like an enormous crash right over my head. so -- and my husband is a sculptor. he has -- sells a lot of work in japan. and we had some collectors come and stay in that house. and they had taken the 22-hour flight and had dinner and fallen asleep in their soup. >> jimmy: and they died? >> no. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: oh, my god. they were crushed by a piano. [ laughter ] yeah. >> oh, no. no, no, no. this was another time. >> jimmy: oh. >> and -- we were all down at the main house. and don said, we're going to take you up to the guest house. they said, very nice. they went up. and they were so tired. they were so tired. but they're so polite. and it was about 9:30 at night. put them all in the house. and next morning, he went up to collect them at a reasonable hour, like 10:30 in the morning. and there they all were in the living room like this, dressed. >> jimmy: really? >> you know, wide awake like this. cigarettes. cigarettes everywhere. they said, spirit. spirit. >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> you want to come stay at our house? >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] but thank you for the offer. meryl streep, everyone.

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l.a. area, and want to see the show, call 866-jimmy-tix, or go to jimmykimmellive.com. to the gulf, de a comt we knew it would take time, but we were determined to see it through. today, while our work continues, i want to update you on the progress: bp has set aside 20 billion dollars to fund economic and environmental recovery. we're paying for all spill- related clean-up costs. and we've established a 500 million dollar fund so independent scientists can study the gulf's wildlife and environment for ten years. thousands of environmental samples from across the gulf have been analyzed by independent labs under the direction of the us coast guard. i'm glad to report all beaches and waters are open for everyone to enjoy. and the economy is showing progress with many areas on the gulf coast having their best tourism seasons in years. i was born here, i'm still here and so is bp. we're committed to the gulf for everyone who loves it, and everyone who calls it home.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. our next guest is an emmy and golden globe-winning co-creator of the shows "the office" and "extras."

he has an upcoming hbo series "life's too short." his live one-man comedy show, called "hello, ladies," premieres tuesday at largo here in los angeles. please welcome the enormous stephen merchant. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] good to see you. >> how are you? >> jimmy: are you okay? >> i'm losing my voice. i have a bit of a cold. >> jimmy: well, if you want. i can just talk. you can listen. >> please do. i hope i don't give it to meryl. >> jimmy: try to keep from sneezing on her. your one-man show. >> standup comedy. >> jimmy: you don't like the term -- it's weird, i guess. >> people thought i was going to play music. or it would be erotica of some kind. >> jimmy: right. you don't do that? >> rarely. things are slagging. >> jimmy: it has a title, though, which throws us off. but it was a big hit in the u.k. >> thank you, yes. >> jimmy: yes. i had nothing to do with it.

>> i begged you to contribute. >> jimmy: now, you've brought it to us in america. >> yep. >> jimmy: it's called "hello, ladies." is it for women? is it targeted at women? >> women. specifically women. it's really a discussion about my failure to find a wife. >> jimmy: you're looking for a wife. >> oh, don't patronize me. [ laughter ] i've been looking for a wife since i hit puberty. and it's not gone well. >> jimmy: it hasn't? never been married? >> i've never been -- we met socially. you've seen me on the dance floor. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm a great-looking guy. no receding hairline. tall. long, nice skin above the toes. you haven't seen that. >> jimmy: not yet. >> but so, i have it in my head. but the time -- i've never been comfortable with women. you know, i can talk to them. just. i don't quite understand.

i mean, there was stephen hawking turned 70. and he said the one thing he didn't understand was women. and i remember thinking, if he doesn't understand, what chance have i got? [ laughter ] that guy knows how the universe was made. >> jimmy: but being on television and in the movies, that has had to have helped you, right? >> you think it would help. this is the entire reason i got into show business. of course. i'm not going to amuse these people. i'm doing it to charm women. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i did it a while ago. i did a film called "the tooth fairy." i don't know if you remember. right? >> jimmy: sure. yes. [ applause ] >> jimmy: the rock. >> it was coming out in the states. it had been out for a week or so. i was with some buddies. and we went to vegas. off we go. we're going to vegas. the movie, the ladies are going to be everywhere. i'm friends with the rock now. what is there not to love? i will happily give out his

phone number, whatever i have to. and so, i'm in vegas. i had never been there before. and you grow up in vegas. >> jimmy: i did, yeah. >> it's a strange place. >> jimmy: i know. >> we arrive. we check into the hotel. i have a suit. i meet some buddies. and i have 1,000 bucks in my pocket. here we go. out. hit the roulette. by like 9:15, i'm 1,000 bucks down. i have nothing. i don't understand roulette. this old lady is like, it's been red six times. it has to be black now. come on. apparently not, old lady. [ laughter ] that system doesn't work. who knew? so, why we're still playing this game, you know, 36. just throwing this small ball at some numbers. in modern technology. i'm there. i'm so angry i've lost the money. i'm furious. and i'm trying to talk to girls. and none of them have seen the movie. they don't know who i am. now, i'm drinking. and it's 2:00 a.m. or something.

i don't know what bar i'm in. and this woman comes over and sits next to me. and i'm thinking, here we go. at last. >> jimmy: the vegas of your dreams. >> to the victor, his spoils. right? [ laughter ] and she's talking to me. she's attractive. and i come from a place in the u.k. called bristol. >> jimmy: right. >> and i didn't realize, but that's a name here, apparently. my name is bristol. what are the chances? it was unbelievable. [ laughter ] so, i'm chatting with her. we've already got so much in common. this is fantastic. and it's like everything i do, she's fascinated by. it's amazing. she tells me she's working part-time at a hospital. or waitress or something. who cares? >> jimmy: i think we found the problem, by the way. [ laughter ] >> when you've been on as many dates as me, you can't pretend. >> jimmy: right. >> and so, anyway. we're there. i was talking to her. a couple of hours we're chatting.

and she says, do you want to party? >> jimmy: oh? >> i didn't realize this, but in england, when someone says do you want to party, it means, do you want to attend the party? [ laughter ] apparently, if a woman says this to you in vegas, at 2:00 a.m., it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to take you to a party. >> jimmy: it means something else. >> i didn't realize this. i'm fairly naive. and i said, i'd love to go to a party. of course. maybe there's cake. i can't believe it. so, i get -- i'm in her car. she has a car. i'm in this car driving with her. by now, it has to be 4:00 a.m. the sun's coming up. it's quite nice in vegas. and it's romantic to me. and i think, i need to make a move at some point. when do i go in for the kiss? you don't want to ruin it. you know, it's -- >> jimmy: sure. >> an exciting moment. and sinatra on the oldies station. it's a beautiful thing. i didn't need to worry.

she turns to me. and she looks to me. backlit by the sun is rising. and sinatra's on there. she says to me. she looks deep into my eyes. and she says, okay, so, full sex is 150 bucks. [ laughter ] she started there straightaway. she knew, if i was interested, to go straight for the whole sex. she had like a menu. if you've ever had dealings with a prostitute. it's like a menu. a specials menu. full sex. i could get another girl in. that's, like -- lobster. [ laughter ] and i -- i had no idea. no idea. and i'm just devastated. i don't know what you're talking about. this is crazy. no. i thought we were friends. you're bristol. i come from bristol. i'm annoyed. and she said, why do you think i was talking to you for two hours at a bar at 2:00 a.m.? i'm like, because i'm -- look at me. she said, exactly. [ laughter ]

i'm thinking, you're a prostitute and i'm the one who's being insulted. [ laughter ] and she's really annoyed with me. she gets really angry now. i've wasted her time. and i start feeling really guilty. i'm the only man in the world who has ever felt guilty for not paying for sex. so, she doesn't want to talk to me. i don't know where we are. we're driving on a freeway. and she starts taking messages from friends of hers. other hookers. it says, like she's the kind of queen bee. and she starts picking other prostitutes who were finishing their shift. like -- girls coming out of hotels. and before you know it, i'm in a car with four prostitutes. and i feel like, you know, charlie sheen or whatever. [ laughter ] for the first time. and i said, look, you have to take me back to the hotel. i don't know where i am. please. she said, i'm not going to drive you for free. 300 bucks she is going to charge

me to drive me back to my hotel. we get back to the hotel. she doesn't trust me to go in on my own. i might run off and not pay. so, she sends a couple of girls in with me. now, it's like 6:00 a.m. i'm in the cue for the atm. the line for the atm, with two hookers who were clearly hookers. there's no -- they don't look like julia roberts in "pretty woman." maybe eric roberts. [ laughter ] and one of them may have been eric roberts. [ laughter ] and i'm there. i'm handing over this money to these prostitutes. and i just hear -- i just hear this voice, like, i turn around. and there's a family with two 8-year-old girls. and one of them is saying, look, daddy, "the truth fairy." >> jimmy: well, there you go. well, it's great to see you. thank you so much for coming. i want to mention your show, on hbo. >> "life's too short." >> jimmy: starring the guy from "willow." >> yeah. warrick davis.

he's absolutely fantastic. >> jimmy: everything you guys do is great. i'm sure it will be. and go see his one-man show. a standup comedy show. it's at largo here in l.a., tuesday through thursday. we'll be right back. this is stephen merchant, everybody. we'll be back with kina grannis. [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are back. this is her latest album, "stairwells." here with the song, "in your arms," kina grannis. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hush, now let's go quiet to the park ♪ ♪ where it first started cool night ♪ ♪ us lying in the dark i felt my heart ♪ ♪ was trying to find the place for you to stay ♪ ♪ a place where i feel safe ♪ ♪ anything we have known anything we've forgotten ♪ ♪ in the rain in the dark we'll lay ♪ ♪ in your arms in your arms i'll stay ♪ ♪ anything we have known anything we've forgotten ♪

♪ in the rain in the dark we'll lay ♪ ♪ in your arms in your arms i'll stay ♪ ♪ take my hand let's go into the trees ♪ ♪ behind the branches falling on our knees ♪ ♪ i remember feeling like this part of us will never change ♪ ♪ anything we have known anything we've forgotten ♪ ♪ in the rain in the dark we'll lay ♪ ♪ in your arms in your arms i'll stay ♪ ♪ anything we have known