unfortunately... every day of our lives is its own performance. (derek) she's gonna need rehab, but the fact that her legs are moving already is a really good sign. is this a private party or can anybody join in? (derek laughs) here you go. brandi... meet andi. she's thone who's been kicking you in the ass your whole life. (man) can we, um... is it okay if touch 'em? of course you can. (brandi and andi crying) (crying) charley, look at them. (crying) look at them. they're beautifuthey're perfect. hi. hi. ♪ ...anchor cast below it seems like even when we get the chance to rehearse and prepare... (groans) and practice... sweetie, you have to go to sleep. (groans) you have to. just walk her around. oh, i am too tired to walk. ohh. (turns tv on) (grunts) is that from today? mm-hmm. (meredith laughs) she looks bigger. hey, are you getting bigger? okay, she's gonna take her first steps any minute. i can feel it. she is getting bigger. she looks bigger. mm-hmm.

(derek) come on. come get the giraffe. (babbles) you're just the cutest kid on the entire planet. why is that? oh! derek, derek. she's walking. where's the-- oh, where's the camera? (derek) come to daddy. come to daddy. turn it on. (high-pitched voice) hi. hi, baby. (speaks indistinctly) i can't open it. i can't open it. hi, baby zola. hi, baby. i can't--i can't--i can't do this. i can't--oh, gosh. turn it on! turn it on! (speaks indistinctly) right now! right now! i can't get it on! i can't get it on! there. ah! walk for me. (meredith) we're still never quite ready for life's grand moments. hi, baby! go back. oh, my goodness. oh, i missed it! (meredith laughs) (derek groans) good girl!

hi. i'm jimmy kimmel. by popular demand, you're about to see a special rebroadcast of our seventh annual "after the academy awards" special. you're about to see meryl streep in a mustache, tom hanks as a robot, and kate beckinsale in bed with chewbacca. you're about to see oprah punch someone in the face and that dummy matt damon dressed up like grapes. but this isn't just a rerun. we added some things we didn't have time for the other night, so if you've seen it, watch it again, and if you haven't, get ready for what will probably be the greatest hour of your life thus far. and with that said, here's me. (siren wailing in distance) thank you, guys. yeah, it was fun. see ya. billy. billy. great job. yeah. great job hosting. it was so great. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. shh. shh. shh. was that an ad-lib when you-- yeah, it's all ad-libbed, jimmy. everything's ad-libbed. i'd love to host with you some time. would you? would you like to do that?

yeah. i think it'll be great. maybe for number ten. would you like to get the money? would you like to get the money? i'd love to get the money. get the money. oh, the money! oh. oh. the money. stop looking at me and open it. (latches click) what's that? what? there's something in there. oh. that's mine. sorry. don't look at me. close it up. good. you know what? i'll--i'll--i'll do it. (latches click) nice doing business with you. hey. shh. just shut up. i gave you the money. where's my oscar? in the bag. (unzips) snuffy, is that you? this is not the oscar i wanted! (snow's "informer" playing) matt damon said to say hi. let's go! ♪ you know say daddy me snow me-a gonna blame ♪ ♪ a lickey boom-boom down (dicky barrett) from hollywood, it's...

tonight--oprah winfrey, with appearances from george clooney, tom hanks, martin scorsese meryl streep, and many more, in "movie: the movie"... with cleto and the cletones. presented by bmw, the ultimate driving machine. and now, lights, camera, action! here's jimmy kimmel! captioned by closed captioning services, inc. ♪ (cheering) well, hello there, everyone. i, uh, i'm jimmy. i'm the, uh, host of the show, and thank you for staying up late on sunday.

as you know, the 84th annual academy awards just wrapped up right across the street from us. "the artist" won best motion picture, which, uh, pretty good for a movie that's black and white and silent, just the way kim kardashian likes her men. octavia spencer won for the movie "the help," which was--which i-i think that was one of only a few nominated films this year that were a hit with critics and at the box office. "the help" was so popular, arnold schwarzenegger tried to get it pregnant. he did. (rimshot) thank you. they're exactly as many winners as there were last year. jean dujardin won best actor in the leading role. the guy finally talks, he says the "f" word. and meryl streep won best actress. nothing against-- personally, i think viola davis was robbed. i mean, literally, lindsay lohan stole her harry winston necklace on the way out of the show. "transformers: dark of the moon" was nominated for an oscar tonight, which i was happy to see, because for far too long, this academy has recognized

only good movies, and it's about time they... showed some inclusiveness. i thought billy crystal did a nice job hosting tonight. you know, originally, uh, eddie murphy... was supposed to be the host of the show until, um, someone in the academy remembered he was in "norbit," and then... fashion, as always, was a big topic tonight. oscar night is the magical night on which we all sit around in our sweatpants and criticize the way famous women are dressed. the e! network today had seven hours of pre-oscar countdown. they had a lot of time to fill before the show. the actors don't even start arriving until about an hour before the show starts, but the coverage starts at, like, 10:30 in the morning, so they have to make do with things like this. oh, we're just so excited to be here on the red carpet. and oh, my gosh. oh, my gosh! look! there's a monkey! (chuckles) she acts like she's never seen a monkey get out of a limo before. by the way, what was going on in those monkey's pants? can we slow that-- slow that down and play just the end part again.

yeah. there you... (laughs) he's carrying a banana or... is that monkey or a war horse? yeah. a number of actors tonight, uh, like jonah hill, brought their moms as dates, which i don't get that. why is it that when you're an adult, taking your mom to the oscars is cool, but when you're in high school, taking your cousin to the prom gets you the--the nickname "cousin-kissin' jimmy" for the rest of your life? you know, i'm happy for the oscar winners tonight, but i'm happier for myself because tonight, i'm about to receive the highest honor a talk show host can receive-- my guest tonight is oprah. oprah winfrey. (cheers and applause) but... uh, just so we're clear, none of you are getting cars. you don't get a car. you don't get a car. you--no, none of us get a car. in fact, if you came in a car, right now, it's being towed. and i know you're probably asking, uh, if oprah is here tonight on the show,

who's answering our prayers? well... don't worry. her friend gayle is filling in on that. and we have just about every star in the universe coming up-- something you definitely want to see. but before we forge ahead, we have a tradition here on the show. uh, another week has come to a close, and it's time for our weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. it is a special sunday night edition of "this week in unnecessary censorship." ♪ i am so excited for the oscars. it's just, like, i am literally (bleep). at the oscars, it doesn't matter how big your (bleep) is, you have to pay for your drinks. (cash register bell dings) i think it's so amazing to have so many people (bleep) him like this. it's a mother's dream. you have a new television ad that labels him a (bleep). why? because he's a (bleep). (laughs) (man) they'll make you believe in love. "ice loves (bleep)" returns sunday at 1o:30. these bold ladies are all gonna face their rear-ality. i know what i have to do to beat you.

i have to (bleep) you. and deep down inside, it's really what you want, isn't it? (crowd booing) i'm gonna (bleep) two people tonight. (woman) ugh! i love that movie a lot. when i saw it, and i came out of "the help," i wanted to (bleep) the first black woman that i saw. i was just thinking, as i was on the floor, (bleep) someone, uh... (laughs) i'm gonna spend the entire day on saturday and sunday morning-- i'm gonna (bleep) like, five or six (bleep) in a row on saturday and sunday. that's--that's become, my, like, oscar tradition. (jimmy) same here. uh, we got a great show for you tonight. stay till the end. oprah is here, and we'll be right back with every big star in hollywood with the world premiere of "movie: the movie," so stick around. ♪

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♪ oh, hi there. i'm in a tux. this is our special show on a special night. oprah winfrey is with us tonight. guillermo... i need you to be on high alert tonight. god forbid, anything happens to oprah, we're done. you understand? don't worry, jimmy. i'm gonna make you very proud. okay, very good. on a night like tonight, oscar night, we're reminded of how many different genres of film there are. there's drama, adventure, comedy, romantic comedy, action. there are dozens of them, but the problem is, you usually only get one or two genres per film,

so four months ago, i set out to make the biggest, most star-studded film in the history of american cinema, something that packs everything moviegoers love into one spectacular motion picture event, and tonight, my dream has been realized. here's it is, our gift to you-- the world premiere trailer for the greatest film ever made-- "movie: the movie." (cheers and applause) (man) every so often, a film comes along with a guy, a girl... (mouths words) a werewolf, and an ancient scroll.. at a wedding between the world's most dangerous secret agent and the president of the united states. you complete me. we complete each other and we complete america. you may kiss the spy. (romantic music playing) with a no-nonsense rookie cop... (beeping) (panting) i'm not gonna make it. and a dog who plays sports...

it's go time. (cheering) because sometimes, the impossible doesn't happen... army andy, you're my only friend. i wish you were alive. but miracles do... i am alive, michael. until you realize that everything you believe... but soon you... is a lie. won't be! aah! huh? ow! starring academy award winner charlize theron... enough! robo-lawyer, you are out of order! academy award winner tom hanks... (robotic voice) i'm out of order? (whirs) you're out of order. (gavel bangs) (whirring) (click) bryan cranston... wieners here! everybody's got to have a wiener!

court is adjourned. ha ha ha! (explosion) aah! jeff goldblum... we got your test results back. gary oldman... and? i'm so sorry, senator. you're a centaur. no! look. cameron diaz... you're the last person i ever thought i'd fall in love with. because sometimes you find love where you least expect it... on a boat... that's on top of a plane... (funk music playing) a soul plane... we're about to give the word "fly" a whole new meaning. with snakes on it. you know what? (bleep) this. fly your own (bleep) (bleep) plane.

from visionary directors j.j. abrams and martin scorsese... (both) action! i love you with all my heart. and i you. (giggles) but on this, our wedding day, i find it important to tell you... yes, my darling? i'm blind. what? oh! please do not cry. (sighs deeply) and produced by michael bay... (rock music playing) run! (whinnies) really? aah! it's the tale of a small town family... aah! with big city dreams... (whispers) he is so beautiful. and a baby... i am beautiful. who talks... sorry. uhh! oh. and whose pee makes you younger... (grunts) (high-pitched voice) i can't go to work as a baby. with daniel day-lewis as you've never seen him before--

as tyler perry... as george washington. (patriotic music playing) based on the true story of a down-and-out texas football team... (whistle blows) pushed to the brink by a millionaire oil tycoon... i don't care how much team spirit you got. i'm-a shut this program down! ee, hee hee hee hee! (slo-mo voice) ohh! face closed. (whirs) (romantic music playing) starring kate beckinsale... i needed that. now get out. (roars) chewbacca... (roars) danny devito... (growls) (hawk cries) don cheadle... academy award winner meryl streep in a mustache, academy award winner helen mirren in a hovercraft... get off my hovercraft! (bonnie tyler) ♪ i need a hero ♪ i'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night ♪

academy award winner christoph waltz... no one puts baby in the corner. academy award winner matt damon... (sweeping orchestral music playing) 'cause there's a star out there, becky, at the end of the rainbow, a big old shootin' star, and i'm gonna-- who we're going to cut out of the movie. (music stops) are you (bleep) kidding me? i will (bleep) kill you, kimmel! how do you like them grapes? and academy award winner george clooney as a brilliant disabled nasa scientist. (telephone rings) yeah? (barks) what's that, boy? (barks) a meteor hurtling towards earth? and who's that riding on it? (laughing) with gabourey sidibe as... black hitler. i'm back and i'm black! (laughing)

i'm on it. (pants) i'm on it! (grunts) no. no! not now. (grunts) no! this thanksgiving and christmas and... a romantically comicpolitical action thriller drama... i'm doing it. i'm doing it! once you go black hitler, you never go back hitler! from the people who brought you "the terminator," "the hunt for red october," "dora the explorer" and the rooty tooty fresh 'n fruity breakfast... aah! ah. i can-- (whirring) hey! (debbie gibson) ♪ shake your love hey! ♪ i just can't shake your love ♪ hey! ♪ shake your love hey. ♪ i just can't shake the button... (loudly) what? ♪ shake your love

get the button! ♪ i just can't shake what? ♪ shake your love the button! ♪ i just can't shake... (power ballad music playing) ♪ there's a place in the sky called happiness ♪ ♪ where the eyes of a child live free ♪ (groans) ♪ and if you believe in the sound of your heart ♪ ♪ you'd stop this meteor with me ♪ ♪ 'cause freedom is meatier ♪ than a meteor of freedom ♪ and if you just believe that you're gonna win ♪ ♪ you'll defeat that meaty meteor ♪ ♪ of freedom ♪ mm ♪ mm (song fading) ♪ ahh, yeah

♪ aah! (high-pitched voice) aah! aah! (grunts) i can't believe i fell for that. god, i'm such an (bleep). see you later. (bleep) kimmel. we'll be right back with oprah winfrey. ♪ will: (to camera) hello earth. those of us in tv are really glad you're watching.

will (v.o.): because while you can't get enough tv, will (v.o.): we... will (v.o.): ... can't get enough of you, will (v.o.): watching tv. i've been following this guy since arrested development. big fan, mmm. will (v.o.): what a line up! seems all the things that your mom said about watching "too much tv"... ... were premature. that is until... hulu ... to the power of plus. hulu plus has more shows, more seasons and more hours of tv than i have tentacles coming out of my (bleep). oh you're gonna bleep that? come on! (sighs in dreamy anticipation) i can't wait to see how they all end. will (v.o.)/super: hulu plus. an evil(er) plot to destroy the world. enjoy.

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♪ well, hello there and welcome back to the show. it's time. are you guys ready? (cheers and applause) i'm gonna need a minute, if you don't mind. what can be said about our guest tonight that hasn't been said in the holy books of all the religions in all the world? she is a legendary broadcaster, an oscar-nominated actress, and tonight, an academy award-winning humanitarian. she owns her own television network which happens to be called own. please welcome--before she changes her mind and leaves-- the great and powerful oprah winfrey! (cheers and applause)

♪ (speaks inaudibly) (speaks inaudibly) i never thought this day would come. hello. great. (chuckles) now with this, i want to make sure... it is... she doesn't have anything to give you. hi, everybody. good to see you. i want to thank you. what? i wanted to thank you. i get this all the time. what a great audience. are you the, um, are you the real oprah or one of oprah's helpers? (laughs) i just want to make sure. that's what people say on twitter all the time, like there would be somebody else tweeting for you or something. well, yeah, no, people do sometimes think that celebrities hire-- but i can tell that your tweets are your tweets.

you can tell, can't you? yeah, i think so. yeah. you could tell it was me today tweeting you, couldn't you? i have to say, i was, um, i was very flattered and a little bit embarrassed by you. oprah called me adorable on twitter, which was, um... yes. mr. adorable. i don't know if you can bronze twitter, but i'm planning to do that if it's possible. you've been so good. well, listen, nobody's better than you. and congratulations. you won the jean hersholt humanitarian award. thank you. i won that a couple of years ago and i love it. i recommend it highly. was it--did--did you feel, um, did you feel esteemed in that moment? i, uh, i-- no, i didn't feel it. i feeled a little steamed, but i didn't feel esteemed. but, uh, is this something that you beat someone out for or did they just give it to you? i-i think you just get it. i think you-- if you do a lot of good stuff, then people just-- they come and they give it to you after a while. you have done a lot of good stuff. you do a lot of good stuff. that's where i went wrong, i think. (speaks indistinctly) what was the first year that you came to the academy awards? uh, i was there for "the color purple" back in 1986. 19--that was your first one? yes. some of you were not born.

back in the--it's clearly back in the day, but i remember it was just-- first of all, you know, i was discovered by quincy jones. right. really, just discovered by quincy jones, who was coming through chicago and saw me on tv and said "i think this girl maybe can act." and so i had to audition and go through the whole process, but when i went to the oscars, it was one of the most horrible nights of my life be-- it was? yes! really? why? yes. and so i was thinking about that tonight. because i had used dolly parton's dressmaker. (laughs) what? and everybody should know this-- if you're gonna have a gown made-- now it's a whole big to-do, what people are gonna wear, but back then it wasn't. and so i used her dressmaker, and he'd come over to do some fitting earlier in the day, and then said, "i need to take it back." when he brought it back, i didn't try it on. oh. so when i went to put it on, uh, half an hour before going to the oscars, it didn't fit. i couldn't get it up over my hips. so my hairdresser had to let-- who's still with me, by the way--andre-- had to lay me on the floor and push my butt down and zip.

and so i rode to the oscars-- really, no exaggeration-- planked in the back of a limousine. uh... you invented planking. that's unbelievable. (laughs) wow. (speaks indistinctly) and so when i got out, uh, everybody had gone in. there was no more red carpet. i was sitting there. i couldn't sit in the chair. i was like this in the chair the whole time. and i had this-- like the actual oscar. yes. and i had this l-- really heavy beaded collar, so when i sat back, the collar choked me. so i sat the whole night holding on to the collar like this. we almost lost you that night. yes, you almost did. and i was praying for--i was praying for someone else to win. and--oh, you were. and, well... yes. 'cause i knew i couldn't get out of the chair. and god k-knew what was good for him and he listened. god--that's right. that's right. now, uh, h--you--have you vowed to destroy dolly parton for this? will you... no. no. no. buy dollywood and burn it down? no. the--the lesson is, always try on something before, even if somebody says, "oh, no. it's perfect. it's perfect. it's perfect." yeah. that's right. yeah. that was a lesson, yes. and don't use dolly's guy anymore. and don't use dolly's guy. but, uh, okay, so now everything--

you--you're fitting in this dress quite beautifully. yes, i tried it on before. if you don't mind me saying. thank you. when you were-- you talk about auditioning for that role, and i--that, to me, is kind of mind-boggling because i can't imagine you auditioning for anything. oh, i had never, ever acted before. and how did you-- did steven spielberg-- i would--i imagine spielberg calling you and begging you to be in the movie. no! no, no, no. quincy jones had discovered me, and then i had to go through this whole audition process. and there were months before i knew i was gonna be in it. and then finally, i got called to steven spielberg's office and i was so excited. i-i mean, i thought that maybe i w--that something was going on because the--the character that i was, you know, acting with, his name was harpo, which was my name spelled backwards. right. yeah. i said, "i think that's a sign somehow." (laughs) so he and i were called to spielberg's office on the same day, and we were told. and i ended up knocking over all of his things... you trashed his office? and jumping on the couch. you jumped on the couch? i jumped on the couch! before your guests started jumping on the couch, you started jumping on the couch.

i guess i did. i just had an "aha!" moment. (laughs) that's amazing. that's an "aha"-er. and did you get, like-- after "the color purple," did you movie--like, were you--did they say, "we want you to play batman" and that kind of thing? no. no? that did not happen. i got all the--i got all the what i call the... (deep voice) ♪ nobody knows the trouble i've seen ♪ (laughs) (normal voice) offers. i see. yes. and you know, up until-- you know, i had my standards. there were certain things i would not do... right. that i've held that standard until i came to work with you on this show... (laughs) (laughs) actually. we've soiled you. b-before working with you, i-i had standards. i had a-- i had a moral compass. i had values. yeah. i feel like, in a way, more so that you elevating us, we've brought you down. (laughing) i would say. (laughs) i kind of stepped all the way out of my box with you guys. is that something you wanna do now, acting-- now that you have a little bit m-- well, presumably a little bit more free time than you did when you were doing the show every day.

well, i think--i think it's something that i will pursue in the future, yes. i will do that. i will. you will? and when you are acting... yes. will you take orders from the director and will you be, like-- oh, i've love to do that. you know, i would think that, for myself, because my--i have a really, really full life, and i'm not really--i'm not kidding when i say this, that actually, acting is the time where i feel the freest. i feel like i get to let go of myself, i get to take on another character, and it really does feel like a vacation for me. well, you should do some more acting. i would--i-- is there anyone in particular that you would like to work with? you. (laughs) well, sure, i would think. (laughs) you. that's--you're not-- i had fun working with you. that was so fun. yeah, i think people are gonna get a kick out of that. i went home jazzed the other day. that's why i was tweeting you all night, yeah. we're gonna show that next. you, uh, you tweeted something i wanted to bring up. you tweeted, uh, "now headed to the dmv. to renew driver's license, then off to africa." yes. (laughter) now you didn't drive to africa, did you? (laughs) (laughs) that's funny.

i can't believe you have to go to the dmv. yes. it was my birth--that was just before my birthday, and i had to renew my driver's license, and so i went down there and, uh... what do they say when you walk into the dmv? "hey, oprah!" (laughter) "hey!" do you have to wait in line? uh, it wasn't a long line. they knew i was coming. i would hope not. it wasn't a long line. and i-i asked for better lighting for my photo. (laughs) but other than that... did andre come along for the photo? no, no, no. no, no, no. (laughs) but--but i do take a very good driver's license photo. and when you--and i also wanted to ask you about this, because i, too-- i remember when you were telling people not to tweet and drive. yeah. and that, it bothers me, too... yeah. and i see it all the time. w-what i do is, i roll down the window and i scream, "oprah's gonna kill you if she finds out about this!" (laughs) do you confront people when you see them? yes, i do! you do? just today i did. really? on the way to the oscars, a guy was, and i rolled down my window and i go, "what are you doing?!" (laughter) and then j--and he did that... (laughs) and dropped it. and i thought, "oh, i better stop doing that,"

because now somebody's gonna have an accident and blame me for it. yeah, you're gonna start causing car accidents. yes. well, we're gonna take-- we're gonna take a quick break here, if that's okay. and when we come back... that's okay. it's your show. we--we are gonna see oprah as we've never seen oprah before. (speaks indistinctly) more with oprah winfrey when we come back. (cheering) ♪

what's with the 99? has it always been this way? ♪ cheerio my fair lady, pray tell the price of this fine hat. it's 14 pounds 99 pence. okay so 15 pounds. 14 pounds 99 pence. are you trying to trick me? ♪ nooooo... so 15 pounds? ♪

&ñ&ñ&ñ&ñ&ñ&ñfftñ!rrrrrrrrrrrrrq so 15 pounds? (oprah) into the woods with steven tyler. aah! oprah! steven tyler's taking me to his magical space. this is pretty special. yeah. i'd never heard of oprah winfrey. nobody at this table has ever watched television? (family members) no. so this is haiti. most people run from disaster. you seem to walk right into it. did being here help you through the divorce process? hello, george! would you say this is the place "star wars" built? i'd never heard, seen, or experienced anybody like you. we are definitely out of the studio. we're at the taj mahal in india. holy moley! oh, ho! oh, this is unbelievable! aah! ♪

(men chanting indistinctly) oh, my god! oh! oh! aah! (cheering) look at that. that was, uh, oprah, a.k.a., indiana jones. (laughs) you really must--i mean, he shouldn't have let-- he should not have-- you're a national treasure. he should not have allowed you to walk over those burning coals. well, you know, you sit and you--he coaches you for, like, nine hours before you do it. yeah. so you're so, like, you are ramped! you are ready! do you think it makes a difference mental-- that you're mentally ready? yes. your feet are still the ones touching the... (laughs) that's the whole point. it's about your state. yeah. i see. it's about your state. huh. i don't believe that. i'm having a good time. i'm out of the chairs. i feel like my feet would be roasted completely. now they probably would if that's what you're thinking about. what's the most--what's the most challenging thing about running a whole television network, starting it from scratch, and putting it on? well, you know, i'm building a network... okay. and that is a-a fascinating experience.

but the--the biggest problem, as you might imagine, is coming up with ideas that you think are going to resonate with the audience, that the audience is gonna like. see, that's-- that's what i thought, and that's why i thought i could help. i was being helpful to you. yeah, i know. you thought that. but it-- i-i feel as if... (laughter) i feel like i wasn't heard. no, it's not that you weren't heard. you were just so far off brand... (laughter) really? well see, now that's the thing i don't understand. i mean, you've got a-- you've got a new network. who knows what the brand is? maybe i'm bringing a whole new brand into own. well, i-i just didn't think that what you had to present was really what i was looking for. well, luckily, there was a camera crew there. yeah. you have cameras following you at all times. yeah. and, um... yeah. it's on videotape, and i thought maybe we could let the audience decide whether or not i was on brand for own. okay. take a look. (singsongy) jimmy kimmel! (chuckles)

you startled me. hi! how are you? nice to meet you. oh, it's so nice to meet you, too. i'm looking forward to hearing your ideas. i... yeah, i'm looking-- have a seat. okay, thank you. (grunts) so should i just start right in? yes. okay, um... so your network-- the oprah winfrey network, a.k.a., own. yes. i have some show ideas for you that i think you're gonna like. great. now do you remember on your old show when you gave away your favorite things? mm-hmm. yeah. now those were your favorite things, right? yeah. but now you don't have them anymore because you gave them away. on this show, you take them back. remember how everyone jumped up and down and screamed and cried when you gave them all that stuff? imagine how much they'll cry when you take it back. (glass shatters)

(clears throat) (starts engine) (singsongy) i get a car. i get a car! ♪ who let the dogs out? ♪ who? who? who? who? ♪ who let the dogs out? ♪ who? that's stealing. no, it's--it's not stealing. they're you're favorite-- your--oprah's favorite things. you're oprah. you're just taking your things back. you know? those are bath beads. (spits) (coughs) (clears throat) okay. uh, so that's... no? a "no"? all right. what else do you have? oh, celebrity interviews. you've done those, right? mm-hmm. on this show, though, you and i would interview people together. it's called "the jimmy and oprah interview." "jimmy and oprah interview"? we could tinker with the title, but here's what i'm thinking... (cheering) welcome back to "the jimmy and oprah interview show." welcome back to "the oprah and jimmy interview show."

we're here with jennifer aniston. we're here with jennifer aniston. (laughs) it's great... to be here. jen... do you think it's tough to be a woman as famous as you are... jen, your new movie has a german title. are you interested in things that are german? to have a real privacy? uh... um... y-yes. it's--it's difficult. it can be difficult. um, uh, yes, the movie's called "wanderlust." uh, i-i forget, uh-- how do you manage to keep yourself... so have you ever been in a movie with a monkey or a giraffe? in such amazing shape all the time? uh, no. do you still keep in touch... does it bother you when you read things about yourself... with the gang from "friends"? how's ross? that are not true? uh... what? he's good? go on. i have no idea what's--what's happening. when we come back, jennifer opens up about... when we come back, jennifer opens up about... her hair, how sweaty she gets in the gym... her spirit, how she takes life head-on... and we're gonna make our own salami. and we're going to meet her new puppy, gary. gar--no. (chuckles) her name's... her name is not gary. but, um... (cheers and applause) (speaking inaudibly) (speaking inaudibly) ♪ i think two hosts asking questions at the same time,

that might be too confusing. well, on--on "the view," they have, like, eight people asking questions at once, and that works. let's come back to that one. okay. this is for the woman who wants more romance in her life. women want that, right? oh, we do. okay, now imagine the most romantic place possible... ♪ the bathroom. this show is called... (man, deep voice) "oprah after dark." (smooth jazz playing) well, hello... o. mmm. aah! aah! let's move on. really? just... i'm--what i'm just saying is i--sex sells, and i happen to have a little something they call "it."

so... (intercom beeps) (woman) ms. winfrey, i have the dalai lama on line 3. tell him i'll call him back. you can take that. i don't--i can wait. he's not really on the phone. she just does that when she knows i wanna wrap things up. oh. anything else? all right, um... your book club-- that was great, right? that was a big success. mm-hmm. but let's be honest. reading is, like, the most boring thing in the world. so this show takes your book club and gives it a twist. salient point. but have you thought about this? which character had the most to lose? clearly, the hero of this book isn't scout or atticus. it's tom robinson. n-not boo radley? b--did you say boo radley? (laughs) that's funny. uh, boo radley is not a hero, oprah. he's a peripheral character, if anything. i beg to differ. (suspenseful music playing) oh, yeah?

when's the last time you actually read this book, oprah? no, you di'int. do you actually read them? or do you just have people in your club read them? you're asking me when's the last time i read "to kill a mockingbird"? yeah, exactly. aah! uhh! oprah, you--aah! hey! that's my husband! aah! uhh! (smack) ow! book club fight club! (heavy metal music playing) (all grunting) oh! ooh! uhh! boo radley! pow! pow! you're pounding! you're just pounding them. uh, thank you so much for coming, jimmy. no, no, no, no, no, no, no. i-i have one more idea. i think it's-- it's the best one yet, okay? can i just--one more? please? this better be good. okay. doctors--you love them, right? dr. oz, dr. phil. and they're both great,

but let's be honest, neither one of them is a real doctor. actually, they're both-- so great ready for an appointment with the best oprah doctor yet. hi, ladies. i'm dr. vajayjay. open wide! quack, quack! no! but wait. there's--there's one more part. (robert palmer) ♪ doctor, doctor, give me the news ♪ ♪ i've got a bad case of lovin' you ♪ you're insane. two and a half stedman. interesting. you know, i was thinking i wanted to pitch an idea to you. i'm all ears. it's called "bye, jimmy." "by jimmy." i like that. "by jimmy." no, not "by jimmy." it's... (singsongy) "bye, jimmy. i'm not following. as in... (beeping) (whoosh)

(beep) ms. winfrey, i have maya angelou on line 2. don't worry. he's gone. oprah winfrey, everyone. thank you so much, oprah. mwah! (kisses) watch the own network. it's the least thing you can do for oprah after all she's done for us. we'll be right back. (cheering) ♪ oh dear... oh dear! ohh dear... i'm not sure exactly what happened here last night. i was out helping people save money on their car insurance. 2 more! you're doing it! aren't they doing great?! hiiiiiii!! come sweat with me! keep going richard. keep sweating!! geico. fifteen minutes could save you sweat! sweat! fifteen percent or more on car insurance.

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[ doug ] we're the mclennan family from spruce head, maine, ♪ welcome back. we're in prime time. that's something, right? you know, the making of the trailer for "movie: the movie" was a labor of love for me personally. it took months to shoot and it was very expensive. it cost, uh, 3 lives and more than $80 million. but along the way, we made a lot of new friends, and so i thought it would be fun to give you a look behind the scenes at some of those friends. this is the making of "movie: the movie," which, again, is not a movie. what is "movie: the movie"? there's really only one way to describe it. uh, "citizen cane" meets "weekend at bernie's." ♪ (steven tyler) ♪ you'll defeat that meaty meteor ♪

♪ of freedom ♪ mm, mm (grunts) i think i really chose to do "movie: the movie" 'cause i really want the people to see just how far visual effects have come. it's go time. (bomb beeping) (kevin james) we actually had top-notch special effects for this movie, but it's just not how i do things. being an actor, i wouldn't allow it. so what i did was, i had my limbs shortened, i lost 248 pounds, and had six vertebrae removed from my back. that's right, i crushed it for hollywood. that's how i do it. well, a great many of my characters begin with a robot backstory. (robotic voice) ha ha ha ha ha. ha ha ha ha ha ha. ha ha ha ha ha. just--it's a shorthand that i use. for example, larry crowne-- he was a robot. uh, forrest gump, uh, started off as a robot, then we said "no," but then i demanded to put him back as a robot. and "bosom buddies," to begin with, that was a man dressed as a woman robot. it just--it helps my process.

(laughing) black hitler. i mean, i'm always working. i like to--i like to keep busy. i actually directed a short film during the making of "movie: the movie." it's kind of a passion project. ♪ it's not bad. it's a good cookie. (woman) ♪ ba ba-da-ba i want you off this set! no, don't just be sorry, bruce! think for one (bleep) second! are you a professional or not?! not. oh, good for you! everybody thinks i'm a great child actor, but actually, i'm 48. this is my wife. get the button!

(loudly) what? uh, working with jimmy kimmel was amazing. he's--he has a-a vision, like all the great artists. working with jimmy kimmel is like, um... b--it's like working with batman... if batman sucked. i've gotten the chance over the years to work with some of the-- the greatest actors, uh, alive today. um, meryl streep and al pacino. and i have to say, strangely, uh. working with--with jimmy was one of the best experiences i've ever had. um, he is one of the greatest gays that i've ever met. "guys." "guys." he's one of the greatest guys that i've ever met. i'm a huge, huge... uh, fan. when i heard about "movie: the movie," i just had to be the first to read the script. and, i mean, it was grade "a" stuff. i mean, this thing is at a whole new level. i mean, i don't want to sound weird, but... i mean, how do i put this? i-i'm in love with this film.

i-i mean that. i'm serious. um... well, wait a minute. is--is kimmel gonna get this footage? 'cause he--wait. he's probably just gonna take my words out of context and reedit this to make me sound like an idiot. no, hold on. wait, hold on. i got a message for everybody watching this. (haltingly) i read at a first grade level. (normal voice) i mean, i don't want to sound weird, but... (haltingly) i love to put weird stuff in my butt. (normal voice) i'm serious. ♪ thank you to the world's celebrities. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪

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one of our fresh takes on italian. ♪ well, i wanna thank the academy. i wanna thank my new best friend oprah and the many, many stars of "movie: the movie," even matt damon. i wanna thank everyone here at the show for all the hard work they did to make this happen. vooz. >> crushed in the snow. skier dead after getting caught in avalanche. latest from