co-anchor, bill weir brings you japan, a year after the tsunami. we hope you will check in at "good morning america." they're working while we're all sleeping. jimmy kimmel's next. we'll see you right back here tomorrow. tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> kid rock gave mitt romney's endorsement. he also endorsed porn, jack daniels and hepatitis c. >> joan rivers. >> i have a great sex life. >> you do? >> yes. i wish i had a partner. >> from "dancing with the stars," maria menounos. >> you're my parents. this is so weird. >> die, die, die, die.nenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenene

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point in writing a remarkable story, if you don't know how to end it properly. ♪ ♪ get home safe. ♪ ♪ ketel one. gentlemen, this is vodka. drink responsibly. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- joan rivers. maria menounos. and music from mat kearney. with cleto and the cletones. and now, sit up. here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well done. hi, everyone. thank you, cleto. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. let me just say this. you picked a historic night to be here. you are here on the night america found out that urkle will be doing the rumba. they announced the cost of season 14 of "dancing with the stars" this morning on "gma." finally, we got a star who is big enough to be known by one name. and that star is urkle. [ laughter ] some of the dancers this year are well-known. some are not. so, as they were introduced this morning, they put facts up about each dancer. presumably so we could get to know them better. first of all, the guy i mentioned, his name is jaleel white. he has been acting since age 3. and plays the banjo.

which i didn't know. okay. we have roshon fegan. actor in a disney channel show. a rapper. and his nickname is ya boy ro. good for us to know. melissa gilbert. emmy-nominated actress from "little house on the prairie." has two arms. [ laughter ] good for dancing. jag wagner from "general hospital." recorded five albums. and very drunk right now. [ laughter ] and gavin degraw, sits when he pees. [ laughter ] there are your dancers for season 14. [ cheers and applause ] this actually surprised me. there are no reality stars on the show this season, which, if you ask me, seems like a shameful underuse of our nation's strategic kardashian reserve. [ laughter ] no kardashians on the show? how can you even do a show without them? on "the bachelor,"

there are three women left. he took each one to the fantasy suite and presumably made love to each of them. he then threw two of them off the show. this is some show. he narrowed his harem down to two. at this point, we've seen ben eliminate 23 women. that's a lot of breakups. ben's pretty good at it. he knows what to say to let them down gently. now, he's using his powers of separation to help others ease out of their relationships more gracefully. >> every week, ben sends someone home. >> i cannot give you this rose. >> and now, you can learn how to sever ties, too, with bachelor ben's breakup lines. the method shows you how to tell your girlfriend things aren't working out. with lines like, it has nothing to do with you. >> it has nothing to do with you. i want you to know that. >> we are worlds apart. >> i felt like we are worlds apart. >> i cried a bit today. >> i cried a little bit today. i'm not going to lie. >> and make bachelor ben your go away guru.

>> it had nothing to do with you. i want you to know that. i feel like we're worlds apart. >> what are you reading? >> you're breaking my heart. >> what breaks your heart? >> bye, jamie. >> who is jamie? >> i cried a bit today. >> get bachelor ben's breakup lines on vhs and blu-ray, and dvd. buy now and get a bachelor ben hairpiece today. absolutely free. >> what are you waiting for? >> available at walgreens. >> jimmy: a woman in the audience screamed. and it turned out, she was in that. you were one of the girls. [ cheers and applause ] i'm sorry. what is your name? denise? >> elise. >> jimmy: okay, elise. i'm sorry to bring up your heartbreak. we didn't know you were here. i had no idea. >> it was nice to get away from everything.

>> jimmy: do you think you'll be the bachelorette next year? >> i don't know about that. >> jimmy: i see that you're here with a lot of women. have you turned exclusively to girls? >> we were all dumped by ben. >> jimmy: you were all on the show, dumped by ben? >> yes. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. when did this become a dumping ground? [ laughter and applause ] well, i'm sorry. i'm glad you found each other. how do i not know this? i think there's been too many seasons. that's what i think. either that or -- who knows? guillermo, how are you? >> doing great, jimmy. >> jimmy: great. good to hear it. the republican primaries were held in michigan and arizona today, where mitt romney found himself neck and neck with rick santorum in his own home state of michigan. santorum has been surging in the polls lately. apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and an end to public schools. and then, the sweater vest just seals the deal. romney told a story about how

he first tried to impress a girl by telling her how much his pants cost. and it was the first place he tied a puppy to the big-wheel. you don't know the story? romney got an unexpected boost from kid rock last night. kid rock showed up at a romney rally and did an impromptu concert. kid rock gave mitt romney his endorsement. unfortunately, he also endorsed porn, jack daniels and hepatitis c while he was at it. so -- [ cheers and applause ] hey, this is something i hadn't seen before. it's a short film from 1896 called "the kiss." it's believed to be the first kiss ever captured on film. it was shot and distributed by thomas edison's film company. it's kind of cool to see. take a look. you see here, the guy with the mustache, is nibbling on the face of another guy in a dress. [ laughter ]

or maybe he's whispering into her cheek. i don't know what's going on. but then, he twirls his mustache up and plants a kiss right on her. i wanted to show this because i wanted to illustrate how we've gone from that to kim kardashian and ray. thanks, edison. you pervert. there was a new edition of "american idol" on fox. tonight, it was men's night. all 13 male semifinalists took the stage tonight. and needless to say, this was steven tyler's least favorite evening of the year. ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're never too old to bedazzle. even though there were no female performers tonight, steven tyler's libido doesn't turn itself off.

and so, it's time for the all-dude edition of steven tyler's creepy leer of the night. ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not so much a leer as more of a bemused acknowledgment. that kid, by the way, his name is ebben frankowits. i don't see this country crowning an ebben frankowits. i just don't. things did not go well at the daytona 500 over the weekend. for the first time ever, the race was postponed on sunday, because of rain. last night, when the race resumed, there was a huge explosion when juan pablo montoya crashed into a safety truck filled with about 200 pounds of jet fuel. that's the safety truck? how safe could something filled with 200 pounds of jet fuel be? and after the crash, the race had to be delayed for another two hours while montoya and the driver of the safety truck exchanged insurance information. it was a little cold here in l.a. last night. another got down to a

bone-chilling 46 degrees. which is cold for us. we've been getting snow in our mountains, which are good for skiers. but bad for people that don't have chains on their tires. >> chains are required on highway 18, from running springs to big bear. this family stopped to put their chains on. did you have chains before? >> no. we had to buy them on the mountain. luckily, he grew up in alaska. so, he knows how to put them on. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, he's only lived in alaska during the summer. [ laughter ] why do i get the feeling he's going to be hearing about that for a long time. dad can do it. he grew up in alaska. [ laughter ] here's a cool idea. there's an event being held in new york over the weekend called the national yoga-asana championship. it's organized by a group that's pushing to get yoga included as an olympic sport. boy, nbc is pulling out all the stops to get us to not watch the olympics, aren't they? if football wasn't an olympic sport, why would they include the thing my mom does on tuesday

mornings, yoga. i hope they don't include yoga. but if they do, i hope they combine it with another olympic sport, like this. >> and he's starting with the arms up position. moving into a forward fold. here he is, transitioning into a handstand. and opening into a split pose. >> and he has definitely taking home the gold for that one. >> jimmy: it's yoga-judo. a combination of -- this is funny, from our local nbc 5:00 news last night, when the anchor had the chickens on the mind. >> as we continue here at five-a-cluck. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: as most of you probably saw the academy awards were held on sunday night.

the academy had a new category this year. it's not often they do that. have you seen the videos online when people try to eat cinnamon? they're finally being recognized by the academy. >> first, here's the nominees for achievement in cinnamontography. >> the nominees for achievement in cinnamontography are -- crazy lady with big earrings. >> here's the cinnamon. all right? here goes. [ laughter ] >> two drunk, screaming blondes. >> ready? >> uh-huh. >> chubby guy with little person friend. [ laughter ]

>> i did it. [ screaming ] >> and the oscar goes to -- chubby guy with little person friend. [ applause ] >> jimmy: finally, they give an award to a movie we've seen. one more thing, very big news out of nepal, where they crowned the new shortest man in the history of the world. his name is something i can't pronounce. he's 72. he's 21 1/2 inches tall. i don't know how they just found him at 72.

[ laughter ] maybe they're waiting for the growth spurt to finish or something. but the plan right now is, if he can do it, is to breed him with snooki to bring the oompa loompa population back. [ laughter ] the "today" show ran a story on the world's shortest man yesterday. and he really is short. >> the search for the shortest man is over. he stands at just 21 1/2 inches tall. an inch shorter than the reigning champ. at age 72, he is also the oldest man at -- >> jimmy: oh, my. well, he will be missed. we have a good show for you tonight. our newest dancing star, maria menounos. we have music tonight from mat kearney. and we'll be right back with joan rivers. so, stick around. [ cheers and applause ]

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, hello there. we're back. tonight on the program, starting march 19th, you can see her tangoing, rumbaing and viennese waltzing, in a new season of "dancing with the stars," maria menounos is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] and then, with music from his latest album called "young love," mat kearney from the bud light stage. you can see mat live at the house of blues in anaheim on april 3rd. tomorrow night, we'll be joined by ed helms. from the new show, "gcb," leslie bibb will be here. and we'll have music from wallpaper. and if you missed our academy awards special on sunday night, don't miss a special rebroadcast of it thursday night at 10:00. it is not just a rerun. we'll have an all-new look at the making of "movie: the movie," starring george clooney, gary oldman, tom hanks, martin scorsese and even matt damon. and we have oprah. yes, that oprah.

again, thursday night, at 10:00 here on abc. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is a living legend, who has been antagonizing celebrities, royalty and commoners alike for six decades. you can see her now antagonizing her daughter on the second season of "joan & melissa: joan knows best?" tuesdays at 9:00 on wetv. please say hello to joan rivers. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] it's very good to see you. i like that coat. what is this? >> i almost didn't come because there was a tragedy. at the last minute, my dog died. these are my dog's ashes. >> jimmy: for real? i'm sorry to hear that. >> i think she committed suicide. we have filipino neighbors. and she put an apple in her mouth and scratched on their door.

>> jimmy: oh, no. >> so, i have her ashes here. >> jimmy: that's nice. it's nice of you to bring them. yeah. i got you. >> there they are. >> jimmy: they look delicious. >> are you a little worried? >> jimmy: a little worried, yeah. >> you think i'm going to thousand them at you. >> jimmy: i would rather you didn't. but -- oh. now, joan, you're not going to win best dressed. the dog -- the dog smells like coffee. [ laughter ] you really committed to that. i have to hand it to you. >> well -- >> jimmy: now, you have to wear that for the rest of the segment. >> where am i going? all my friends die anyhow. >> jimmy: that's terrible. seriously, that's got to be a terrible thing about getting older. >> and you have to tell the people that are living, you know. and you should never say -- i know we had it with the oscars. just so you know, you should

never say somebody passed. the whole point is they're dead. they can't pass. they're there. i had a friend and her husband died. i said to her. he died. and another friend was in the room. i said your husband, he passed. i said gas. it's all right. >> jimmy: not great. but it's better than the alternative. yeah. >> the oscars is going to be some thing for you, huh? >> jimmy: we did it already. but maybe next year we'll do it again. you have ash on your lip and stuff. >> delicious. this way, i'm really with the dog now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're together again. >> together again. >> jimmy: did your dog really die? >> yeah. and my neighbor called me. and what a bitch. and says to me -- would you like a dogsickle because it was hot? gave me my dog to lick.

>> jimmy: you have to move. >> and they say, we don't eat dog. there's a leash hanging out of her mouth. they eat dogs. >> jimmy: it's just a small percentage of them, of course. what would you have done to sasha barren cohen if he threw ashes at you on the red carpet? >> i would have been out of my mind. would you be? >> jimmy: if i had known about it, i might be okay. but i don't know if ryan seacrest knew about it. >> no. i would not be happy. when people surprise you with things. don't surprise me. unless it's a mink coat. don't surprise me. >> jimmy: do you like surprise parties? >> are you out of your mind? you have no [ bleep ] makeup on. [ cheers and applause ] surprise. die, die, die, die. i do not like surprise parties. i have no parties.

i don't date. i don't do anything. >> jimmy: nothing? no dating? >> at this age, please. >> jimmy: why? you're very lively. you work all the time. >> i have a great sex life. >> jimmy: you do? >> yeah. i have a great sex life. i wish i had a partner. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] at this age, i'll sit at a dinner party. i'll go to a man like this because i'm flirting. he thinks i'm having a stroke. [ laughter ] they walk away. >> jimmy: oh, is that true? there's got to be somebody for you? >> there's nobody. >> jimmy: you don't want anybody. >> i like to be alone. >> jimmy: i like you like your life as it is. >> you're out of your mind. >> jimmy: really? you don't. >> i miss somebody so much. >> jimmy: let's get you on "the bachelor" or something. >> i filled out some of the e-things. >> jimmy: match.com. >> match.com. but you have to be careful. >> jimmy: why? >> they say likes long walks. means son of a bitch doesn't

have a car. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're probably right. [ applause ] >> at this age. >> jimmy: a man would have to have a car for you for sure. i think a car is probably important. >> is that too pushy? >> jimmy: that's not too much to ask for. >> at this age, neither one of us -- and i try to dress sexy. but it's hard. >> jimmy: is it? >> come on. it's like, angelina jolie at the oscars. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know about this stuff. why do you think she was doing that? >> did she think there was a prize up there? all of hollywood has seen that. [ laughter ] this is a theme park. [ laughter and applause ] the six flags over vulva. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you --

>> don't you think it's hilarious? >> jimmy: you evaluate these people on the red carpet. >> yes, i do. >> jimmy: you're a very good dresser. do you dress yourself? >> i dress myself. >> jimmy: do you have somebody pick out your clothes for you. >> no. you dress yourself, yes or no? i also pin on my own diaper. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not what i was getting at. >> but they're crotchless. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: nice. so, when you go out, you have to look good because you make fun of what everyone's wearing all the time. >> we don't make fun. that is so cruel. what we do on "fashion police," we are critics. i tell the truth. and so, melissa thinks i should look younger. she said to me, get piercings.

but i don't need another hole that gas can come out of. [ laughter ] you don't know yet. at 40, you lose your eyesight. at 50, you start to forget. at 60, you start to fart and you don't lose your sense of smell until you're 70. those ten years are so lonely. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. joan rivers is with us. "joan & melissa: joan knows best?" airs tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on wetv. "fashion police" airs fridays at 10:30, 9:30 central on e! we'll be right back with joan. [ cheers and applause ] itin clear. alright, let's move on team ! claritin works hard to relieve my worst symptoms. and only claritin is proven to keep me as alert and focused as someone without allergies. whoa ! watch your step ! i couldn't do this without you ! don't let allergies hold you back. live claritin clear

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mom, you know what? i am his mother. >> i'm very aware of that. >> you have to talk to me about these things. >> what about, melissa? >> it's my life. it's my son. the buck stops with me. you cannot take him to an audition. >> he was very good. >> he did it because you took him rock climbing. he's not going to disappoint you. he will do anything to please you. >> that's not so. he doesn't rub my feet. >> you know what? i'm done with you. >> jimmy: that's "joan & melissa" on wetv, on tuesdays. i imagine that's real. >> totally real. she gets very upset with me. i don't know why.

>> jimmy: you spoil her son. >> yes. that's what a grandmother is supposed to do. >> jimmy: what a grandparent is supposed to do. >> i take him everywhere. and he has a friend that wants to be a standup comic. i'm not lying. >> jimmy: how old? >> 10. >> jimmy: oh, that's cute. >> he is really doing this. >> jimmy: what? >> he is going to delicatessens. >> jimmy: he does. >> it's hilarious. i gave him heckler stoppers. hey, kid, get out. you have to learn to say things. hey, you. where are you from? texas. well, they're so full of [ bleep ] in texas, a guy had an enema and they buried him in a shoe box. i give him these things. say this. say this. >> jimmy: it's coming out of a 10-year-old. >> jesus may love you. but you're a moron. i gave him all these things. >> jimmy: you brought your grandson to an audition there? >> yes. >> jimmy: and melissa didn't want that. >> she was furious. >> jimmy: what does your grandson want to do when he grows up? does he know yet? >> right now, he's 10.

he wants to be a football player. it's stupid. >> jimmy: what do you want him to be? >> gay. >> jimmy: you want him to be gay? >> i want him to be gay. who else is going to give a damn that i knew judy garland? grandma, tell me all about judy garland. >> jimmy: so, you're taking steps to hopefully move him towards that? >> well, i let him wear my pumps, which is very hard. >> jimmy: yeah. >> because you want a gay -- i would love to have a gay son. >> jimmy: well, why not? >> and cher is very lucky. he got both of them. >> jimmy: she did. >> when you think about it. melissa's adopting now. >> jimmy: oh, she is? well, that's got to be exciting. >> a very good friend of nicole kidman's. >> jimmy: okay. >> but god bless her. 125 feet tall. 3 pounds. always in a red dress with a white face. looks like a ketchup bottle. walks around. [ laughter ]

and no -- i was wearing like a mustard dress. look, we're condiments. [ laughter ] and she's adopting all these kids. she has one kid. she walks around. my children don't know who this -- this is bull. children who is adopted who is for real. and who is adopted. i treat them all the same. isn't that right? little jimmy, little benji, little alice, little magumba. nobody knows. so, they got a kid from australia for the summer. >> jimmy: wow. >> that clicks. it -- a click tribe. you know about this? >> jimmy: this is for real? >> i swear to god. >> jimmy: makes the clicking noise? >> they don't talk. they click. we have cooper and click click rosenberg. >> jimmy: sounds like you're having a lot of fun. >> the kid loves me.

and every time i'm walking, open and close -- shut up. i know you talked to our friend, don rickles today. >> don rickles. he sends you his love. he's come on in a couple of weeks. i love him. >> jimmy: he's the best. >> the best. >> jimmy: if you speak to him again, or i'll call him myself. tell him i said hello. >> i will tell him. >> jimmy: again, it's great to have you here. joan rivers, everyone. "joan & melissa: joan knows best?" airs tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on wetv. "fashion police" airs fridays at 10:30, 9:30 central on e! we'll be right back with maria menounos. [ cheers and applause ] how are you? we're going to head on into the interview. john, jill...mr. jacobson... what's it like driving the fusion hybrid? you can read every system that is operating by pushing a button. it's like driving a computer. what would be the hardest thing for you to give up? the miles per gallon, the fuel.

when you're used to filling your car up once a week then suddenly once every three weeks, believe me it'll be a big difference going back. when do you take 5-hour energy? when i'm on overtime. when i'm in over my head. when i have to be sharp... no matter how many time zones i've crossed. when i'm on my feet for hours. when it's game time. when the day's only half over but my energy is all gone. when i need the energy to start exercising. every day. every day. every day is a 5-hour energy day. 5-hour energy. every day. everyday me and ray like to fuel up with these new belvita breakfast biscuits. they give you energy that lasts all morning. suspect is heading south. freeze. stand back kids. [ grunting ] [ ray ] belvita is a new kind of breakfast that gives us the energy to serve and protect. this milk is expired. [ ray ] this sleepy town has never been safer. ohhh, i got one in my

mouth! [ ray ] 18 grams of whole grain specially baked for nutritious sustained energy. belvita, there's a new kind of breakfast in the cookie aisle. people are selling their old rides, looking for something new. i would love better gas mileage. yeah... it kills me every time i have to go to the pump. that's it. i can't sit here a moment longer. i had no idea ford focus would have all this. this is awesome. does mileage matter? it's 40 miles... 40 miles per gallon. you've got active park assist. perfect. i usually have someone get out of the car and help me parallel park. but now, i don't need that. your mind is blown. it is.

now, get a focus with up to $2000 cash back. get into the new at your local ford dealer today. the group of you have said "cool" maybe more than we've ever heard it before. l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l

l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l

l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, sponsored by bud light. to stream off-air performances and other music videos, go to jimmykimmellive.com.

[ male announcer ] cookies with smooth caramel and chocolate. ♪ ♪ hmm twix. also available in peanut butter. my name is aurora guerrero and i make films about real people and real places. my feature film is a story about two 15 year old chicanas

who are growing up in southeast la. it's a story about first love. i got a call from sundance. they told me they wanted to screen mosquita y mari. i was just like, this is it, this is the heavens saying aurora, you're up!

[ female announcer ] pillsbury presents: how to solve a brother-sister standoff. ♪ ♪ pillsbury chocolate chipookies warm out of the oven. another sweet idea for bringing families together from pillsbury. [ cellphone rings ] hey honey! mom, we're dying. no you're not, you're just hungry. make some totino's pizza rolls. we don't have any! front... left, totino's. [ male announcer ] well done mom! less drama, more fun! totino's pizza rolls.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. mat kearney is still to come. oh, my god, joan forgot her dog. [ laughter ]

in her years as an entertainment news reporter, our next guest is charged with covering every humiliating moment of "dancing with the stars." and now, she will be forced to cover herself. "dancing with the stars" returns march 19th to abc. please say hello to mirrorball hopeful and host of "extra," maria menounos. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] hi, there. so, why are you doing this? to lose weight? [ laughter ] you're not going to be able to have that kind of transformation that a lot of people want to see. i would recommend between now and march 19th, you try to put on 30 or 40 pounds. >> okay. >> jimmy: people like to see that. you know? that progress, as you go. well, congratulations, first of

all. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and this is serious stuff. i mean, this is the sort of thing that -- you're walking in the same hallowed floors as master p. and steve guttenberg before you. are you excited about it? >> i am. i'm equally nervous. equally excited. not a dancer at all. >> jimmy: oh. okay. >> i just came back from the promo shoot. they're like, maria, dance on the stage. this is weird. >> jimmy: it is weird, right? that's the part that makes me the most uncomfortable. is when they put the camera on the people and they're like, dance for your intro. it's terrible. >> you have no idea. >> jimmy: derek hough is your dance partner. >> he's waiting for me at rehearsal right now. >> jimmy: he is? already? >> sorry, derek. jimmy called. i have to go. >> jimmy: derek's won, like, three times. >> yeah, pressure. >> jimmy: he's a good partner to have. but don't look too deeply into his eyes. you'll fall right in love. >> i know. he's very handsome. >> jimmy: he is handsome.

do you think that will be a problem for you? >> oh, no. [ laughter ] it's a good thing. it's a good thing. >> jimmy: how long have you been practicing? did you just start today? >> yesterday, was our first rehearsal. >> jimmy: it was. and how did it go? >> it went really well. and there was a lot of ah -- and sorry, sorry. >> jimmy: are your parents excited about this? i know you brought your parents to the show a couple times. >> my parents love you, as you know. my parents are hilarious. i go home and my dad's like, maria, you have to dance like that. and he's got the hand down because he had it before our introduction. and my dad is dancing around the house. and him and my mom start fighting. it's hilarious. they tell me, maria, you have to dance sexy. ew. you're telling me to be sexy? you're my parents. this is so weird. right? >> jimmy: it is weird. especially from dad.

>> but it's funny. >> jimmy: they're right. you have to be sexy on the show. >> you know i'm like a jock. it's really hard. i can pose sexy in pictures. but to like dance and be -- all that stuff. >> jimmy: you're self-conscious. >> yes. >> jimmy: this is not the show for you, i think. >> i know. >> jimmy: you picked the wrong show. >> this is the worst part. derek, three-time champ. i'm going to get him knocked out in the first round because i'm laughing hysterically at the situation. it's going to be bad. >> jimmy: you're going to have to wear clothing that's barely even clothing. you realize that, right? >> jimmy, i just wore a bikini to host "extra" in times square. >> jimmy: i did see that. >> i can't really talk about anything worse than that. other than being nude. >> jimmy: but you had it on for a second. and then, you put it right back on. >> i was off for a long time. watch "extra." >> jimmy: all right. well, i'm sorry, i haven't been watching "extra." >> well, you should be. >> jimmy: okay. you are comfortable being completely naked. >> no.

i lost a bet. and i had to go through with it. >> jimmy: your co-host, mario lopez, was on this show. he finished, like, second or something, right? >> mario lopez, who came in second. and you have derek hough, who has three mirrorball trophies. and somehow, this greek girl who can't dance, is stuck in the middle. >> jimmy: as a greek, will you be breaking plates? >> maybe that will be our stick. maybe that will help. you have to do the -- it's the cha cha cha. >> jimmy: they will have a lot of advice for you. are you living with your parents now? >> my parents live with me for half of the year. >> jimmy: half of the year? >> i steal them for as long as i can. >> jimmy: you want them in your house? >> yes. they're amazing. >> jimmy: your parents are very nice. but i'm trying to imagine living with my parents for half of the year. >> my parents are the best. my mom cooks. she's like, maria, you think derek he like baklava? yeah, mom. i think he will like the baklava. >> jimmy: do they think derek is

moving into the house with you guys? >> when we did the introduction, it was so funny. my mom was on jitters and so excited. my dad was excited. guys, i feel like you set me up. like i'm the little greek girl from the village. and you set me up with my husband and i'm about to meet him. i hope he's cute. >> jimmy: he's pretty cute. we all agree he's cute. there's no question about that. >> that's going to make this stuff easier. >> jimmy: as far as criticism goes, do you get -- will you be okay when judge bruno tells you dance like a bear with bunions or something like that? >> i don't know. i really -- i can't say that i think i'm going to be that good with it. i don't know. it's hard to take criticism. >> jimmy: do you have a sob story prepared? you have to have a terrible story from your life to tell everyone. >> i have a lot of sob stories. i wore steel leg braces. >> jimmy: great. do you have pictures of yourself in the leg things? >> no. my mom was too embarrassed. >> jimmy: you have to photoshop some then.

you have to glue your head on to a picture of a kid who has them. you don't have any pictures yourself in the leg braces? >> no. my grandmother nixed it. she was really upset to see me wearing the leg braces. so, she ordered my mother to take them off. when he tells me to open up my hips, they don't go like that. >> jimmy: that's a good thing to go. my hips won't open. that's my problem. save it for week four. week four is when you break out the violins and you really start with that stuff. okay. what else? anything else bad that you can talk about? make something up if you have to. if you had malaria. >> okay. >> jimmy: tell people you went over on a missionary thing to help children and you contracted malaria. and you were out of commission for like a year and a half. >> okay. that works. >> jimmy: nobody's going to check this stuff. you can easily do it. >> nobody does check anything anymore. >> jimmy: will you tell people to vote for you while you're on "extra"? >> i don't know what the rules are. but can you tell people on "jimmy kimmel live" to vote for me? >> jimmy: we can.

i think you can tell people to vote for you. i've seen people do it before. >> what's great is i have "extra." and i have an online perform called after buzz tv. you can go to afterbuzztv. we'll be the destination for the after-show of "dancing with the stars." >> jimmy: i thought we were the destination for the after-show of "dancing with the stars." >> we're going to be talking about the after-show as a wrap-up show. like "sportscenter" but for tv. >> jimmy: i see. >> but i want to make sure my hosts are unbiased about this. >> jimmy: you're going to hire people that are unbiassed? >> i'm trying. >> jimmy: it's not going to work. [ laughter ] you have to do the laugh a lot during the show. >> wait. derek's catching my laugh. >> jimmy: oh, really? it's not going to be cute for him. >> he started to laugh like a goat. you caught my laugh. you totally just caught my laugh. >> jimmy: there's your sob story. i was afflicted with this crazy laugh. as a child. >> yes. >> jimmy: there's something for you. all right. i hope i won't see you again soon because, you know, once you

get eliminated, you come on. >> i never want to see you again. >> jimmy: okay, good. maria menounos. the new season of "dancing with the stars" begins monday, march 19th, right here on abc. be right back with mat kearney. [ cheers and applause ] portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by bud light.kikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikiki

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[ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, sponsored by bud light.

>> jimmy: well, this is his cd. it's called "young love." here with the song, "ships in the night," mat kearney. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ like ships in the night you keep passing me by ♪ ♪ we're just wasting time trying to prove who's right ♪ ♪ and if it all goes crashing into the sea ♪ ♪ if it's just you and me trying to find the light ♪ ♪ like ships in the night letting cannonballs fly ♪ ♪ say what you mean and it turns to a fight ♪ ♪ fist fly from my mouth as it turns south ♪ ♪ you're down the driveway i'm on the couch ♪ ♪ chasing your dreams since the violent fifth grade ♪ ♪ trying to believe in your silent own way ♪ ♪ 'cause we'll be okay i'm not going away ♪ ♪ like you watched at 14 as it went down the drain ♪ ♪ and pops stayed the same and your moms moved away ♪

♪ how many of our parents seem to make it anyway ♪ ♪ we're just fumbling through the grey ♪ ♪ trying find a heart that's not walking away ♪ ♪ turn the lights down low walk these halls alone ♪ ♪ we can feel so far from so close ♪ ♪ like ships in the night ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ you keep passing me by we're just wasting time ♪ ♪ trying to prove who's right ♪ ♪ and if it all goes crashing into the sea ♪ ♪ if it's just you and me trying to find the light ♪ ♪ like ships in the night ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ you're passing me by you're passing me by ♪ ♪ like ships in the night ♪ ♪ and i'm at the airport waiting on a second plane ♪ ♪ had to pack and you had cramps and i was late ♪ ♪ headed to a red carpet they won't know my name ♪ ♪ riding in silence all that we wanna say ♪ ♪ about to board when you call on the phone ♪ ♪ you say, i'm sorry i'll be waiting at home ♪

♪ feels like we're learning this out on our own ♪ ♪ trying to find a way down the road we don't know ♪ ♪ turn the lights down low walk these halls alone ♪ ♪ we can feel so far from so close ♪ ♪ like ships in the night ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ you keep passing me by we're just wasting time ♪ ♪ trying to prove who's right ♪ ♪ and if it all goes crashing into the sea ♪ ♪ if it's just you and me trying to find the light ♪ ♪ like ships in the night ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ you're passing me by you're passing me by ♪ ♪ like ships in the night ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh

and i'm gonna find my way ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh back to your side ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh and i'm gonna find my way ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh back to your side ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ like ships in the night ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ you keep passing me by we're just wasting time ♪ ♪ trying to prove who's right ♪ ♪ and if it all goes crashing into the sea ♪ ♪ if it's just you and me trying to find the light ♪ ♪ like ships in the night ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ you're passing me by you're passing me by ♪ ♪ like ships in the night ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh, ooh ♪