have to label me. >> governor hailey's book "kant is not an option" is in books now. thanks for watching good night, america. and don't miss jimmy kimmel, next. "jimmy kimmel live" next. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live," edie falco, jack wagner from "dancing with the stars. >> jimmy: you got outdanced by irkel. >> dicky: and comedian amy shuker. >> we're really done!dxdx!!!!!!!!úú @ @ @ @ @ @aaaa)a)a)a)a)a)a)a)a)a)awaw

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>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel for "kinect sports: season two," the sequel to the original top-selling, award-winning, full-body sports game, only on kinect for xbox 360. this one has six new sports including baseball which is perfect timing-wise, because baseball season is here and i can't think of two bigger baseball fans than my friends guillermo and yehya. right, guys? ♪ >> right jimmy. [ applause ] >> jimmy: just to prove how much you guys know about baseball where does the pitcher stand? >> i like to watch, but i don't

understand sometime. >> jimmy: he really knows his stuff. "kinect sports: season -- show us how it works. play the game. yehya, you're the pitcher. throw the ball. do you understand what's going on here? >> yes. >> jimmy: let's try one more. see if you can strike him out. and the pitch? guillermo late on the swing and you're out. [ applause ] now that's what i call a perfect game. >> dicky: want the game? in april, get "kinect sports: season two" rated e for everyone at gamestop, and get the new bonus add-on basketball challenge pack while supplies last. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with edie falco, the latest cast-off from "dancing with the stars" and comedian amy schumer.

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these three friends share a house. we swapped their ride for a focus. bad news for their imports. it's really cool looking. what about fuel-efficiency? amazing. i think it gets up to like 40 miles per gallon. kinda cool when the needle never moves. my turn. active park assist& oh, my gosh! when you want to find a gas station it tells you how much gas is. i didn't even know that. it's the swap your ride sales event. get a focus with up to $1500 cash back and voice-activated sync at no extra charge. are you gonna just keep the one for the rest of your lives? no, i think we should all get our own.

>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, edie falco, jack wagner, and comedian amy schumer. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: okay thank you. thank you for coming. let me tell you something, you picked a great night to visit because tonight i will make one of you my bride.

[cheers and applause ] i hate to start things off with bad news, but there was a tornado in dallas and it was elimination night on "dancing with the stars" tonight. time we say goodbye to another of the people we thought we said goodbye to about ten years ago. tonight, soap opera and melrose place star jack wagner got the stangelled act. there he is dressed like a rejected super hero flame man or something. jack and his partner, anna trebunskaya, will be here later and i will break down exactly where they went wrong. you never really count a guy like him out because he's a soap star, in three episodes he could be back to stop a wedding and announce he's pregnant by the co-host. this has been an emotional week

on "dancing with the stars." each of the contestants tells a sad story to try to make us feel bad enough to vote for them. every one of the stories ends up with, and then i wound up on "dancing with the stars." they do it every season. [cheers and applause ] typically it results in a few tears, but this year we got buckets of tears. we got tears from almost every dancer on the show. >> my parents worked so hard to keep a roof over our heads and food on our table. >> it's so hard to think about. >> beautiful. >> jeffrey, i love you. and -- >> she grabbed me and i stepped

away. she said, you don't know who i am, do you? i said, no. she said, i'm your daughter. >> any time i touch that that's my mickey mouse. step on her tail and that's my mickey mouse. i'm just so emotional. >> what's that all about? >> i love -- >> jimmy: i feel the same way. currently there's a lot more to jaleel white than any of us anticipated. stefan and steve urkel are his mickey mouse. hell of a theme park. in sports news kentucky beat

kansas to win the college basketball championships in new orleans. [ applause ] it was good to crown a champion without the help of tom bergeron for a change. anthony davis, who is a big star and will be with us on thursday night, there was a lot of celebration in lexington, kentucky last night. fans flooded the streets and the local cbs news team was there. >> we'll pitch it over to gabe who is there. what's the scene like there? >> we are live here at the corner of -- >> ah! >> woo! >> yes, yes, yes! >> reporter: we're going to toss

back to you guys. >> jimmy: back to you in the motor home. i wonder why they were in an rv maybe for protection. in texas today areas in and around dallas got hit by a series of very destructive tornadoes. no one was killed, but a lot of buildings were destroyed and thousands of homes and businesses have lost power. cnn had an amazing video tonight provided by a viewer named vincent who climbed onto his roof to get this footage, which wasn't a great idea but it did work out nicely for the rest of us. >> oh, my god. please, oh short, oh my god, look at that. holy holy smart is about, a block or two away from my house.

oh, shoot, oh shoot, oh holy shoot. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we got to trous vincent to the double rainbow guy. more primary elections were held in wisconsin, maryland, and washington, d.c. today. it feels like this primary has been going on for -- how many states are there now? mitt romney was expected to sweep all three -- or hire a guy to sweep them for him and he did. most experts believe this was rick santorum's last chance for the nomination. santor rum has refused to pull and out and he considers that a form of contraception. i guess the santorum campaign is hoping to keep it going until at least the primary later this month his home state of

pennsylvania. tonight we're fortunate to welcome his brother to the show. we've talked to him a couple times before. from his home in pennsylvania rick santorum's brother, brent santorum. thank you for being with us. >> my pleasure, jimmy. >> jimmy: i want to bring up something that happened last week. your brother was on a campaign stop at a bowling alley in wisconsin. while he was there, a young boy picked up a pink bowl bowling ball and your brother stopped him, saying something to the effect of friends don't let friends use pink balls. >> that is true. young boys have no business touching pink balls. >> jimmy: why not? it's a kid and the pink balls are probably lighter than the black ones right? >> jimmy, i've had the pleasure of handling balls of all colors.

pink, black, brown, asian. i've even had blue balls from time to time. pink balls can hurt a boy's self-esteem. >> jimmy: how can they hurt a boy's self-esteem? >> because pink indicates a certain femininity. when you see the color pink, you think of princess dresses and my little pony whereas black, the color of tires, american tires. and coal, which my grandfather worked so hard to mine and make a better life for his children. when i go bowling with my family, my beautiful wife medusa, our children here faith, hope, charity, piety, gris sobriety abs tinnence and shakira, we teach them that pink balls are for girls and black

balls, big, oily black balls are for men. >> jimmy: a lot of people are saying that after mitt romney's victory tonight, the race is essentially over. >> nothing could be further from the truth, jimmy. but -- >> jimmy: how is he going to -- just from a math standpoint, it doesn't seem like he has any chance to win this thing at all. >> jimmy, i think my latest song will speak louder than words. >> jimmy: oh okay good. you have a song. ♪ ♪ the rightious man will triumph as the certain surely falls ♪ crushed beneath the heavyweight of rick santorum' big black balls ♪ ♪ solets say goodbye to hippies ♪ ♪ and reclaim our land for jesus with my brother's big black balls ♪ ♪ rick santorum's big black

balls ♪ ♪ rick santorum's big black balls ♪ ♪ bouncing up the alleyways and rolling down the halls ♪ ♪ so say goodbye to romney's gingrich's and paul's ♪ ♪ stand up for santorum ♪ ♪ his balls will safe us all ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. oh there was more? no. sara palin was a guest host this morning on the "the today show." it was strange to see her as a morning tv host when we know her so well as as a serious politician, but she did well. she's like the perfect cross between barbara walters and tet nugent. not only did she get national television exposure this morning, she also bagged a 224-pound roker. not everyone on the show seemed

excited to have sara palin in the host chair, in particular "today" show regular host ann curry. watch ann curry's face through this. we zoomed in a few times while sara palin is talking. they're talking to tori spelling about party-hosting or something. oh, interesting, what a fascinating question. here they are out on the boulevard. [ inaudible ] yeah, i've heard that before. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: guillermo and i have it. meanwhile, congratulations are in order for levi johnson who's going to be a dad again.

he's the alaskan flava flav. levi johnson fathered a child with bristol palin back in 2008. they got back together and then broke up again. today he confirmed that he has impregnated another girlfriend a young lady named sonny ogelsby. he might be the father of snooki's baby. they've climbed he's been prevented from seeing his son trip, so he made a new one. if i lived in alaska i would never even be nude. by the year 2030 all alaskans will be pailins or johnsons. how many of you are celebrating easter this weekend easter sunday? [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my aunt chippy is a very festive woman, a good way to describe her.

she loves the holidays. she spreads a lot of cheer. smeez a master when it comes to party planning and that sort of thing. we thought that we would ask her how to put an easter basket together. here now with help from one of our directors and my cousin sal is my aunt chippy with an easter edition of chip's tips. [ applause ] >> this is aunt chippy with chip's tips. we're going to decorate some easter eggs today and then we're going to make a centerpiece -- >> cut! you're stumbling over your words. >> okay. >> and camera, action! oh, wait cut, you need to smile. as soon as i say camera. because it has to look happy. everything's festive around you except your mouth. here we go. camera! action! >> why do i got to wait like an

hour for action? hurry up and get this [ bleep ] over with. come on! i'm ready. lots of energy. make this one go. are you ready? >> i'm ready! >> and action. >> hi this is aunt chippy with chip's tips. we're going to cover eggs and make a nice easter basket centerpiece today. >> a what? >> [ bleep ]. god i can't even get to the jelly beans for god sake. >> there's a problem. there are two cameras and she's only looking at one. maybe she should say a few words, then look to the other camera. >> why do we have to try it sal? what the hell do i [ bleep ] go home, if you don't have nothing to do, let them go home. >> ridiculous. >> get a shot of chippy. ready? >> where am i looking? >> smile chippy, smile.

>> and action. >> this is aunt chippy with chip's tips. we're going to be coloring some easter eggs today and then we're going to be making -- >> cut, cut. >> you're going like this and like this. i can't keep track of which way he's going. >> you'll get it right. >> maybe. >> now, we're going to start with an easter egg. we're going to color an easter egg. [ bleep ] it went out. >> i can't even get them out. >> let's cut. let's cut. >> this looking back and forth to the cameras, that's stupid. just look in the main camera. i just want this to be more eastery. >> you know what we should do let's give her bunny ears. >> there goes my hair.

[ bleep ]. >> here comes peter cotton -- >> no. ears look stupid. let's take them off. >> makes her look like the devil. >> the devil? >> that's what i'm saying. >> bunch of ath yift bastards that you are. >> leave them on. do one with a hop. >> no i'm not adding no hop. i'm not hopping. i'm not hopping! enough already! >> your hair is crazy now. >> and then we're going to put the best part in which is the chocolate bunny. everybody looks forward to it. >> cut, cut. i think if we just have a brown chocolate bunny, people might think it's racist. >> oh, yeah yeah. >> a friking easter bunny is now

racist? what is wrong with us? you know to know something, i prefer the dark chocolate. >> can we just put the white ones in there? >> it's degrading. >> we've got the white chocolate, and we've got the dark chocolate. i really like this one the best. >> cut, cut. >> you offended african americans. >> i wouldn't call it an african american bunny. i call it a chocolate bunny. i call this a dark chocolate and a white chocolate! only so you know which one you might prefer to eat. we're eating these. we're not going next door or across the street. we're eating them! >> can you just say something nice about the caulkation bunny? >> we got two bunnies here. i don't give a [ bleep ] which one you eat.

i hope your teeth fall out. happy easter. goodbye. i'm done. i don't want no more. [ applause ] >> [ bleep ] no no more. fourth of july, give me a break. >> really you're not done. >> we're really done dun done. happy easter. goodbye. i'm out of here. >> jimmy: from my family to yours. ->-> jimmy: tonight on the show the very funny comedian amy schumer is here. from "dancing with the stars," jack wagner and his partner, anna trebunskaya, will be here. and we'll be right back with edie falco, so stick around.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

>> jimmy: tonight on the program the latest celebrity to meet the cold blade of the sequined guillotine, fresh off elimination from "dancing with the stars," jack wagner and his partner, anna trebunskaya, are here. and then a very funny woman, you can see her live in las vegas, april 6th through 8th, at the riviera comedy club, amy schumer is with us. tomorrow night, from the new "american pie" movie, jason biggs will be here as will lionel richie and billy currington. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest tonight is the only woman in the history of television to win the emmy for best actress in a drama series and in a comedy series too. she's like the theater masks come to life. season 4 of her show "nurse jackie" premieres on showtime this sunday night at 9:00. please welcome edie falco.

[cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm glad to have you here. i'm excited to meet you. >> i'm glad to be here as well. >> jimmy: are you hundred percent italian? >> half italian, half swedish. >> jimmy: do you have an aunt chippy in your family? >> i don't think i do. i don't think i've seen anything like that in my life. >> jimmy: i've seen it since the day i was born. those lips were in my face from the moment i was born. so italian and swedish. >> did the italians devour the swedes? >> that's what it came down to. they were more vocal about where i spent sundays and holidays and birthdays.

>> jimmy: my dad's german irish, and it seemed like they just steam-rolled them. i think part of it is the food is better, so you're kind of inclined to go but also the squeaky wheel principle. >> exactly what it was. >> jimmy: born in brooklyn? >> born in brooklyn. >> jimmy: do you go back and hang out with the family much? >> on long island. i see them when i can. i go out fairly frequently. >> jimmy: you have two kids? >> yes. >> jimmy: how hold are they? >> they children are seven and four. >> jimmy: are that you aware that their mother is famous? >> i don't know. maybe they think everybody's mom is on a bus. my son who is seven is starting to get an idea. so he gets the biggest kick out of, like in my life i try to keep a low profile. my son's not having it. we'll be out in public and he'll look around and go my mom's nurse jackie, she's nurse

jackie, pointing like this. mortifying, really like for few people piss me off the way my kids to. >> jimmy: they will probably wind up saying the same thing about you. do the producers in the sop ran oz know that you were half swedish? >> they do now. we didn't talk about that. >> jimmy: you have to keep that thing close to the vest. how often do people ask you about the ending of the show? >> i still get it. but from a big chunk of time right after the show, i got it all the time. people hi never seen before what the [ bleep ] was that? and i knew exactly what they were talking about. if i had written it and i had to explain. what i was going for, i don't know what it was. i'm doing my job. i say the lines and then gi home.

>> jimmy: do you have a theory? i don't know if you noticed, but i wasn't on the show. i think tony got shot at the end of the show. i think that somebody online made a strong case for the possibility that he got shot. by analyzing other instances where people on the show got shot. >> can i tell you something? nothing actually happened. >> jimmy: nothing happened? >> we said cut and we went home. so actually you're entitled to think that's what happened but absolutely nothing happened. >> jimmy: are you trying to tell me that you weren't really in the mafia? >> i don't want to push you into something you're not ready for, but it was all pretend. >> jimmy: there was a great article in "vanity fair" last month that i read. it was the oral history of the sopranos and jam ghan domestic violenceeny said i'm still in love with edid i. of course i love my wife but i'm in love with ede.

i'm in love with her. >> i need a minute. wow, i didn't read the article. that's really something. >> jimmy: are you in love with him? >> i don't know what color i am right now. i'm not getting into that. it does get unusual, i have to say. it really, much of it is a job. there's part of you that it gets under your skin. i saw him in a play with marsha gay harden and they were sitting next to each other and she had her arm around him. i was like what's up with that? still i feel like, send them home at the end of the night to my house. it gets in deep you don't mean for it to but it does. >> jimmy: i wonder if that's the case on bad shows. i wonder if it's only the really good shows where there's some really chemistry there? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: "nurse jackie" is a show that -- you have four

seasons of the show. i actually watched the episode that will air sunday. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't know how much we can reveal about it. maybe we shouldn't reveal anything about it. >> i haven't seen it. >> jimmy: okay. i'll tell you what happens. you get shot at the end of the episode. [ laughter ] >> [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: knowing the show is named "nurse jackie," there's very little chance you are going to get killed off. >> i don't know. how long have you been in this business? i could be called nurse, as far as i know. >> jimmy: even weirder when you're son is just yelling "nurse." people will be dialing 911. >> jimmy: "nurse jackie" is a drug addict and i'm going to leave it to you to set the clip up. i prefer they be angry with you. >> i'm here to serve. i think she's going into rehab,

if i'm not mistaken. i think that's maybe what you're talking about. >> jimmy: going into rehab and this is maybe the first moments. let's take a look. >> did anybody help you pack? >> no. >> and it was in your possession the whole time? >> what am i, getting on a plane? yes, i packed my own bag. >> let's make it really clear. you're accountable for every item in this bag, every word out of your mouth, every move you make. >> that's my tooth paste. >> guess how many nurses crush up their oxy and put it in their tooth paste. there's tooth paste in the bedroom. >> i'm here to get better not worse. >> we'll see. from what i've seen so far, detox is going to be a bitch. welcome to rehab. >> jimmy: edie falco! "nurse jackie" premieres sunday night at 9:00 on showtime.

thanks so much for being here. we'll be right back with jack wagner and anna trebunskaya. [ male announcer ] there's always something new on applebee's 2 for $20 menu. over there, that's mike. we call him the comeback kid. 'cause he and his buddies they're always coming back to applebee's. [ male announcer ] right now, it's the jazzed up flavors of bourbon street. get one appetizer and two entrees for just 20 bucks like our totally inspired bourbon street chicken & shrimp loaded with cajun flavor on a sizzling skillet or our tender new blackened chicken penne. we love it when our

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>> jimmy: as a soap opera veteran, our next guest is used to betrayal, forbidden passion, and the unpredictable death of a beloved character. but last night fact and fiction overlapped as he became the second casualty of this season's "dancing with the stars." here with his dance partner, anna trebunskaya, please welcome jack wagner. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, i'm sorry to see you. >> thank you, sir. >> jimmy: you got outdanced by

urkel, i don't know any other way to put it. >> there's no other way to look at it. >> jimmy: are you disappointed? >> very disappointed. but it's such a great ride. what an honor to be on that show and test yourself. i've had an amazing partner. [cheers and applause ] you wake up every day and really have to put your game face on and have someone who will stand by your side. >> jimmy: did you stand by his side and push him? >> absolutely. >> i lost my balance, she still pushed me. >> jimmy: i should ask you, anna, are you disappointed by this? because now you get the rest of the year off? >> of course i'm disappointed, but no we have two seasons a year, so it will only be six months. >> jimmy: i see. so you're pretty broken up about this, it sounds like. >> i am yeah. [ laughter ] ha ha! actually, i'm very disappointed

to see jack go because this season everybody is quite amazing. last night what happened, everybody kind of had the same score. so it got evened out. i could see how much jack improved. i knew that he was going to keep improving and i really wanted to go out there and test those waters and see how he would look in more spandex. >> jimmy: you did get a good score, 24, but like everybody's kind of good this year. unfortunately for you. you don't have a master p in there to throw to the wolves. >> no there was no two left feet anywhere. >> jimmy: i also heard that tell me if this is true that you were kind of happy because you have a golf tournament you want to play in on monday. is that true? >> my, you know one of my missions in life is the leukemia lymphoma society because of my brother. so i have an event every year to raise money and that's what i

have. >> jimmy: so you threw the competition for your brother? >> it's for a good cause. >> jimmy: last night you broke down in tears. do you wish in retrospect you'd cried harder? [ laughter ] >> you know you bring these thoughts up afterwards. where were you last night, jimmy? >> jimmy: i could have happened. >> you could have give him good coaching tips. >> jimmy: i could have. nobody asks me. i come afterwards when it's too late. but you got choked up because you danced for your daughter. you didn't know about her? >> no. she found me in november. and this was a celebration for everybody who has faced adoption and gone through the miracles and heart ache of people who try to find their parents. my daughter has a lot of courage. >> jimmy: she found you. she must have been surprised when she found out you were you.

dads like, suck you know. >> yeah i don't know. >> jimmy: your daughter is a dance instructor? >> she's a lot of things but she's a beautiful young woman, 23 years old. >> jimmy: is that going to hurt her business the fact that you were already eliminated? >> she was there giving me notes on keeping my arms up. i'm like, it's over. >> jimmy: did you feel it's over. >> no it was after. >> jimmy: well she's making up for lost hen pecking. >> it was a very special evening for all the contestants. we led it off and i thought that was a special place to be. it was an important story. >> jimmy: what about that outfit you were wearing last night? you're doing this dance as tribute to your daughter and you're dressed like -- >> tell me. >> jimmy: what would you say? >> like a sunset. >> jimmy: that's one way of putting it.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: you looked like a gay match. [cheers and applause ] >> you know they had these outfits -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you have to wear the outfit they give you? were there any choices? >> no, jimmy, there are no choices. >> jimmy: did you choose this? see, that's what your daughter was saying. >> that's what he did. >> jimmy: well, you did get a good score. everybody did, unfortunately. next time maybe hit somebody in the knee caps or something like that. >> i'm not quite over the gay match comment. >> jimmy: that website is excellent. i recommend it. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: will you dance again? will there be any further

dancing? >> what are you talking about? >> jimmy: will you continue to dance? >> our team dance was wag and buns. so team wag and buns were talking about our next project. anna has no idea right now. >> jimmy: so you have some time to think about this. unfortunately we have a tradition here at the show. when you come here we go outside for the ceremonial burning of the capezios. there's guillermo. tonight you were eliminated from "dancing with the stars" and now your shoes pay the price. guillermo? america has spoken, and your dance card has been punched. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "dancing with the stars" is mondays at 8:00 and tuesdays at 9:00 here on abc. when we come back, stand-up comedy from amy schumer.

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>> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny person whom you can see live april 6th through 8th at the riviera comedy club in las vegas. please welcome, amy schumer. >> thank you so much. i really appreciate that. i just went through a break-up, and -- thank you. i know. i know you guys are thinking, like don't worry, amy. you'll bounce back. you're super interprety and guys really like your body type. thank you. that means a lot. i know i have a body type because of the way guys hit on me. guys come up and they're like i like you. you're like a sturdy you look like you could take a punch. i'm like, what!

you're right, but -- so i'm dating now. it's so awkward. like, how do you ask someone to wear a condom? i say something cute, like, "you're gonna want to wear this, i've had a busy month!" [ laughter ] it's really funny. you can use that. so i'm on the road all the time. i'm killing it in the biz. thank you. but every week i do this local press, these interviews and they ask the same questions. they're like, is it harder being a female comedian? >> no, it's not harder to be a female comic. i think we just get up here and bleed all over the stage. keep my ovaries down and my bobs up. we tell jokes like everybody else. it's just harder to be a female. just in prep time, right?

getting ready. [ applause ] look at the guys you're sitting next to. some of them bangable not all of them. let's keep it real. you phoned it in with that shirt, sir. like, what did you do to get ready? nothing. you didn't get ready. no, men don't have to. you put on your shirt, give yourself one of these in the mirror, you're out the door. [ laughter ] it takes me 90 minutes to look this mediocre. 90 minutes. women, we're like circus freaks with the stuff we have to do. we wear heels/stilts and paint our faces like geisha, and we put a string in our butt cracks. because men like that. we wear jewelry. we wear shiny things, like, look over here, follow me to the altar. [cheers and applause ] it's work, right? that's why at the end of a saturday night, you always see some girl carrying her heels,

like she just gave up, crying. it looks like she is melting, like, "why didn't anyone pick me!?" because you have puke on your tube dress. it's awkward. i was in a bathroom at a comedy club a couple weeks ago. there was a bathroom attendance. have you ever been like, oh sweet, a bathroom attendant! no. it's always just a big bag of awkward. you're never peeing thinking i'm not going to leave here without a star burst. no. i hope there's mystery perfume out there. so i go in and the bathroom attendant is like they're all full right now. you're going to have to wait a minute. and i was like, yeah, yeah i

know how a bathroom works. like i was just going to start going rogue and pounding on all the stalls, what are you doing in there, with like a shif up and down p eeing in the spink, i do what i want. i come out. she hands me a paper towel. thank you. i would have just dripped like stigmata. now she's going to think it's a race thing. i just wanted to say that because like whatever race you just assumed it was, that's who you hate. so think about that. thank you guys so much. you were a great crowd. i appreciate it. >> jimmy: very, very funny. amy schumer, everybody. we'llmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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