it, but she is certainly enjoying the "nightline," i'm . >> check with "jimmy kimmel live" next. >> dicky: up next on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> if you call and say, help, i'm having a heart attack, they should hang up on you. >> dicky: sharon osbourne. max greenfield. and cousin sal's temp agency. >> jimmy: three years from wswss

>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel for the all-new mazda cx-5, the no compromise compact crossover suv. thanks to mazda's skyactive technology, the cx-5 beats every other suv -- including hybrids -- in miles per gallon on the highway. but it's also fun to drive, which really appeals to both sides of my friend guillermo's personality. right, guillermo? >> right! the mazda cx-5 is better and it's stronger. >> and also, it's smarter, like me. it's got navigation, rearview camera and audio streaming. now let's go to the art museum so we can look at some paintings made of art. >> no! i want to go to a hockey game! we will get there safe thanks

the cx-5's responsive handling. it's also a top safety pick. >> i don't like hockey. i want to go to the museum! >> too bad, because i am driving. >> now i am driving! museum! >> hockey! >> museum! >> hockey! >> wait, i know! we should go eat food instead! >> that is a great idea. you are a great guy. >> and you are very handsome. >> i love you. >> i love you too, baby. >> dicky: the mazda cx5 -- better, stronger, smarter. visit www.mazdausa.com/cx5 for more. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with sharon osbourne, max greenfield and music from lp. there's a clear difference between claritin

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get it at your neighborhood barnes and noble. what makes hershey's pure chocolate goodness that brings people together. hershey's makes it a s'more... you make it special. pure hershey's. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- sharon osbourne,

max greenfield, and music from lp. with cleto and the cletones. and now if you haven't heard, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. welcome. hi there. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. it's -- [ cheers and applause ] i appreciate your enthusiasm, and i would like to wish those who whom it applies a happy administrative professional's day. do we have -- it used to be

called secretary's day. and they became now and now it's administrative professional day. and it's all the person who vacuums the muffin crumbs out of my key board. you know if it catches on if wives start yelling about their husband, he cheated on me with his administrative professional. i would like to thank my administrative professional, tim. work hard. and i swear to god, if, find one more kernel of corn in my childrenen salad, you will be vacuuming floor mats. this is not exciting in l.a.,

but we had a big police chase in l.a. we watched one car drive very slowly for 40 miles. it was probably the most boring car chase i have seen. the guy running from police was a tow truck driver and he stopped and got in an argument with the police and took off. the police followed him and he drove very slowly in the streets of hollywood and up verbally up in glendale. he stopped at every traffic light, stayed in the speed limit. and the news even pulled up and interviewed him from their truck. he had a smoke. at one point, you will see a bike passed him. he -- a girl got out of her car and started -- i don't know, flirting with him or something. why not?

he is a celebrity now. every local news channel covered it from their helicopters. it went on for more than two hours. and it came by our buildings. and once again, the super heroes did nothing. stood there. [ cheers and applause ] they are just there for the money. if you live here, a police chase, it's kind of a nice way to see your old neighborhoods. there's the gas station i used to go to. i feel bad -- the poor guy is still sitting on the side of the road waiting for his car to be towed. the man got out of the truck and surrendered. he is out on bail. you can look for his new reality show starting this fall on e!. they -- speaking of the e! network, some exciting news. e! has announced they have

reached a deal with the kardashian family to bring us three more seasons of "keeping up with the kardashians." well, someone's watching it. three years from now, the only people on tv will be the kardashians and dance moms in. you haven't been keeping up with them, i will bring you up to speed. they went shopping. the deal will pay the family -- get this -- $40 million. it's the biggest contract in the history of reality television. it's harder and harder to explain to your kids why it's a bad idea to make a sex tape. the new contract -- it's a big deal. if you're in hollywood, it's a big deal for people in television. and we gave the people of los angeles the opportunity to congratulate them. >> congratulations, kardashians. i'm really happy for you. >> congratulations, kardashians

in. that is great news. >> hope you guys have -- you buy a lot of stuff with your money. >> i'm very, very, very happy for you. >> you work so hard for it. >> you guys make more money in a day than i do in a year. that is so great. >> congratulations, kardashians. you just made it again, number one on tv. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: people are fired up. i still blame ryan seacrest for this. he must be held accountable. two more secret service agents resigned yesterday as a result of the scandal about prostitutes in comeby ya. the good news there are open positions for the secret service. it seems like a fun place to

work. some senators of congress are concerned that enemies of the united states could be using women like these to get classified information. he says prostitutes often use their feminine wiles to get classified information. he said, i hope none of them use their tricks on me. i know all kinds of stuff. these are two of the most notorious agents. their beauty is impossible to resist. especially the chubby one. looks like they have a chicos in south korea. this is from a local san diego 6 news this morning. they invited kids down to give a preview of a pie eating contest

they have every year. it's funny in the year of childhood obesity and diabetes, they have pie eating contests. but the kids are ecstatic about it. >> who wants to eat pie? they are reluctant. what is your name? >> mackenzie. >> are you not happy to be here? >> i don't pie that much. >> this is going to be punishment for you. >> fun kid. in front of -- what do you want? they put her in front of a garbage bag and put her on tv. speaking of overeating, pete zat hut is the launching an amazing new menu item, it's available in the middle east but it's the most american thing i have seen in my life. >> the crown crust pizza.

made with hamburger crust and drizzled with pizza hut sauz. a new crown crust pizza. >> jimmy: finally, i was getting sick of having to super glue cheese burgers to my pizza. all our favorite junk foods have coming together. it's like the avengers of saturated fat. if you -- i hope it never happens to anyone here. but if you were to call 911 to say, hymn, i'm having a heart attack because i'm eating a pete zat with cheese burgers thatly hang up on you. maybe this is trying to make the people of al qaeda too fat for the suicide vet. there is a company here in california called the dispense

labs, they have developed a marijuana vending machine. finally, we will have a place to buy marijuana besides the 7,000 shops. this is what it looks like. it's a vending machine made specifically for pot smoker. in a way, isn't every vending machine made specially for pot smokers. it dispenses marijuana and honey buns. you have to slide your i.d. card, and put your thumb up and voila, you have drugs. >> it's a dispensing system for all forms of medical marijuana. using fingerprints, patients can obtain their medicine, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

>> sometimes it's difficult to get my meditation. >> hey, this thing is trying to eat my arm. i'm kind of freaking out. >> jimmy: you know, they are still working out some of the bugs. i like it. [ cheers and applause ] i think this is -- wouldn't it more fun if the machine was one of the arcade claw games a where you have to maneuver around to get -- between the marijuana pizza machines and the pizza with cheese burgers, did someone empty out snoop dogg's dream catcher? this is a video footage from north carolina a girl is on the cell phone and falls through a hole in the sidewalk. it must be a deep hole, because she is gone. and they get out to check on her. i don't know what became --

[ cheers and applause ] are you okay? are you all right? >> hello? yeah. >> jimmy: shouldn't she have come up through the ground? [ applause ] so i guess she fell all the way through the earth, came out, up, and went so hard, she handed on our roof and came through that. from time to send, with e send my cousin sal out on a mission to screw with others and he is very good at it. and his mission was at a temp

agency. before they got the real interview, they got is not real interview with cousin sal. >> this is jason, have a seat. >> look, i got you the job. if they are telling to you take your pants down, be a man. okay? >> how's it going? >> jason, tell me, jason perez, right? tell me about yourself. >> well, i have been working in a warehouse position the last couple -- like, seven, eight years now. >> what was your last job? >> the last real job was u.p.s., but i have been working agencies the past couple years whonchts is your favorite kardashian. >> if i had to choose one, i pick khloe. >> how come? >> she is the type like? >> physically, you look her? >> yeah. >> what are you most ashamed of? >> i guess how i perceive myself after meeting someone.

>> i don't like to hear that. give me a hug. it will be all right. >> thank you. thank you. >> you're a good guy. let me put some purell on your head. i just kissed your head. be careful, watch your eye. that stuff can burn. i'm sorry, i do that because i have herpes. what does temp stand for? >> temporary -- >> you got that stuff in your eye, don't you? >> yeah. >> it's going to burn for ten minutes. >> it's not burning just -- >> it's going to. it's going to burn you. are you crying now? >> no. >> when was the last time you cried? >> three weeks ago. my wife came out of surgery. she is fine, she's fine. >> thank god, thanks.

okay. okay. >> just don't get it in your eye. >> okay. >> okay. a couple more questions. what is your problem? >> problem with? >> in general? >> not having enough money. >> not having enough money? >> yeah, that's the problem. that's the main problem. >> it's tough times. >> yeah. >> give me a hug. >> thank you, thank you. okay, more hand sanitizer, thank you. >> now -- >> okay, maybe a towel or something? >> no, no towels. we are almost done. do me a favor and draw your dad. >> there it is. i don't know. >> you don't know your dad?

>> no. >> what happened? >> he is gone. i don't know. >> when did he leave you? >> i don't know. when i was 6 or 7, so -- [ laughter ] >> such a good man. >> who would leave such a good boy. i will get you some money. >> yeah. thanks. thank you. >> all right, we'll be calling you back. >> all right, thanks. >> thank you. >> all right. it's in my eyes. >> i said don't get that in your eye. you get to watch. fine if you want to put that on your head, but now it's a problem. >> yeah, do you have paper towels around here?

>> here, here's your resume. thanks, we'll be calling you. >> thanks. >> good job. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nicely done, kunz sal, wherever you are. tonight on the show, from "new girl," max greenberg is here. music from lt and we'll be back with sharon osbourne, so stick around. [ male announcer ] good morning, freedom. hello, adventure. today is yours to chart new paths and rediscover old ones.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight on the program, you know him as schmit, from in the new

girl," max greenfield is here. and then, with music from her brand new album, called "into the wild: live at eastwest studios" -- this is an ep that comes on cd with a dvd. making her debut on network tv, lp from the bud light stage. there's a lot to deal with. tomorrow night, emily blunt, dave salmoni with his wild animals and adam lambert probably also with wild animals. what i thrill i got today. do you play the game draw something? this has taken over my life, my children's lives and i could lead to the end of the country as we know it. but i was quite delighted to see that my own name was on -- [ cheers and applause ] and it was the first time my

family has been honored like this. well -- [ cheers and applause ] just stop people when they come through. >> i don't see it. >> jimmy: anyway, congratulations to me. yesterday, our first guest became a grandmother for the first time. and today, that baby said her first ever f-word. it's genetic! her daytime tv show is called "the talk." you can see it every day on cbs. please welcome sharon osbourne. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: congratulations. talk about a hip grandma to have. i mean, really.

my grandmother was nothing like you. >> nothing? >> jimmy: you probably had grandmotherly qualities. >> i'm trying. >> jimmy: your son jack had a baby girl. >> pearl is her name. i happen to love the name. >> jimmy: it's a great name. usually celebrities name their kids stupid things. and you should be glad he didn't do that. you gave your kids normal names. >> yeah, i'm not in the wacky names. >> jimmy: were you there for the delivery? >> yeah, i had three children but to see it from a different angle. it was amazing. >> jimmy: it's a matter of

perspective. was ozzy in the delivery room too? >> that is a whole other show. they would take a couple hours to tell you -- >> jimmy: was he in the delivery room when your kids were born? was he even in the country. >> the country. but amy, he was in a jewelry shop buying me a diamond ring. he nixed the birth. >> jimmy: that is a great excuse, by the way. >> kelly, he was just coming out of the pub. and with jake, he fainted. he was in the room, but he fainted. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, yeah. and as he fainted, all the miniatures that he had take from the minibar in the hotel came flying out of his jacket. [ applause ] yeah. >> jimmy: is he excited about being a grandpa? >> he is ecstatic.

he is completely over the moon with it. >> jimmy: have you given advice to jack? >> he told him, you said, you think e know what love is, but when you have your first child, there is no love like you feel for your first child. and i think jack gets it now. >> jimmy: wow that is very sentimental, i have to say. >> he is sentimental. listen, you are talking about a guy who drys in movies. he cries -- >> jimmy: what movies does he cry in? >> the "notebook," we all cried in. >> jimmy: you guys were in the theater crying? >> no, ozzy was on tour. and we were all in bed, me, kelly and ozzy, we are watching a movie in the hotel, and we are like, ahh. >> jimmy: i wonder what the guys in black sabbath would think of

that. >>, i would never tell anyone. just don't tell anyone. >> jimmy: i wanted to give you some gifts because this is a big deal. first of all, this is a little something -- if you want to open it, you can go ahead. it's for the baby, it's not actually for you. it's one of the fake tv gifts. you don't have to do -- it's a little flush bat. and look, the head comes off. >> you got that -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: for an osbourne baby. this is -- i don't think it's a good idea. you have left kids grow with whatever they want to play with. so also, a crazy train set. >> ozzy and jock will like that. they will love that. thank you so much. >> jimmy: oh, well, it's my pleasure. did you hear the kardashians got $40 million? >> that is fantastic. >> jimmy: oh, you think that's

good. >> yeah, but how been in the family? >> jimmy: like, 40. >> good for them. >> jimmy: your family is the original celebrity tv family. you didn't get $40 million -- >> we got a lot. but the difference is, we owned ours. we own it all. >> jimmy: so there could be an all osbourne channel running your stuff nonstop. >> that is a good idea. no, not oprah. >> jimmy: how long has "the talk" been on now? >> it's been on two years. >> jimmy: you have a different lineup now. [ applause ] who is not on the show now? holly robinson was -- >> and leah remini. >> jimmy: you guys didn't get

along. and someone had to go. >> no, no, it wasn't that. >> jimmy: i feel like it was. i feel like it was. >> why do you ask me, i know i have the biggest mouth. but i have to take all this crap, everything is blamed on me. >> jimmy: because you don't take crap. and if anybody is giving you crap, you are out. >> it's not my show. >> jimmy: this is your show right now. any where you go, it's your show. >> behave. >> jimmy: we are going to take a break. and when we come back, i'm going to ask you about "america's got talent." sharon osbourne. we will be right back. hey, is the table finished?

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hi, we're back with shar on osbourne. we are warming up to the toy bat. i feel that is something in your family for many years to come. >> i think so. it think it will have it dipped in gold and put on the fireplace. >> jimmy: now you have been on the show "america's got talent for a while now. >> six years. >> jimmy: and you have a new judge on the show, the honorable howard stern. you are excited about it? >> you have no idea how excited i am. he is very naughty though.

>> jimmy: do you feel that people have the wrong perception. >> people hear, shock jock this and that, whatever. but it's just a perception. he is a great judge. he is really fair. and he is another foxy like my old man. this old couple was dancing together. and they have been married for like 40 years and they were dancing and howie and i are going, i don't think so. and he is going, ah, they are fantastic. and i'm like, get out of here. and he is like, you have to vote them in. they are amazing. he is a softy. >> jimmy: wow. i'm surprised to hear that. it would be the old people dancing show? >> i don't know what is in his mind. what he sees for the future. but he is very concerned for the people when he feels they don't have talent for single, dantsing, whatever it is. he will say, i'm worried about

you. let's talk. do you have another career to fall back on. and he say, maybe it's time for a proper job. and i'm like, what are you saying? >> jimmy: he is more of a guidance counsellor than a judge. >> he likes to give people advice before they leave. are you sure you are pay your rent. >> jimmy: you like him a lot better than piers morgan? right? >> i love piers squlok do you like better? >> my husband. >> jimmy: he wasn't in the question, but that is okay. it's great to see you. congratulations. please give jack and his fiancee my best. sharon osbourne. "the talk" on cbs. we will be right back with max greenfield. [ rob ] we weren't always the most adventurous couple. once we kept the lights on.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, we're back. lg is on the way. in less than a season on the air, our next guest has created a character so indelible he needs only one name. that name is schmidt. you can see him alongside zooey deschanel on "new girl," tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on fox. please say hello to a real live sexual snowflake, max greenfield. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is her new album. how you doing? nice to meet you. you know, you are very funny on the show. >> thank you for saying that. appreciate it. >> jimmy: i was discussing that with zooey dechanel when she was

here. >> i want to clear the air. this is an open forum. >> jimmy: be careful, there are chinese ladies falling from the ceiling. >> this is on open forum. >> jimmy: let's open up. >> zooey was here. we all love zooey. i knew this. i get a text in the morning -- this is going to paint a picture. okay? i'm with my family. my beautiful wife. my daughter, it's the morning. i get a text message. kimmel mentioned you on the show last night. and i'm thinking, oh, my god. this is unbelievable. one of my heroes here is talking about me. >> jimmy: me? thank you. >> on late night television. run and i got the ipad and i run into the other room and i go, we have to find the interview. my daughter comes along and i said, no, we can't watch mouse

attach man -- the lorax, and we rach that on the ipad. and we are watching zee zooy's interview. you get to the third segment and you say, the other guys on the show, they are pretty good and she is like, the other guy, they are great. and you said, who is that one feminine guy, he is really funny. and to boot -- and dechanel goes, oh, max greenfield? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know what the finny thing s i was talking about the other guy. i didn't mean you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: zooey you should have a problem with. >> yeah, yeah. like, my daughter, she doesn't understand. she doesn't watch a lot of late night television. >> jimmy: we even have a mou

mustached man. >> she could feel in that moment, her father was humiliated. all i know, that was funny. >> jimmy: you see a lot of friends on sitcoms the, not the show, friends. but they are really the same. and i think you are exceptional. but that is not bad. like the feminine man. >> i'm not a navy s.e.a.l. or a firefighter. >> jimmy: are you like your character in real life? >> when the show started, people asked, are you like schmidt, i'm like, no, no, and people

resbonded well to the character and i'm like, no, i'm like him. and he is so much more popular and cooler than i am, and i'm like, i'm playing myself. and i feel good about it. >> jimmy: you are like this generation's fonzie. >> that is high praise. >> jimmy: i hear you had a "saturday night live" bar mitzvah. >> i did. >> jimmy: what year of "saturday night live"? >> it was big on farley, and sandler and spade. and when you went in -- a lot of the bar mitzvahs, they have themes. >> jimmy: i have been to a few and they are always themes. often sports. >> the writing of the show, his bar mitzvah theme was jazz.

>> jimmy: like old time jazz -- >> he went to his parents and said, the theme should be jazz. he is a phenomenal writer but what a mistake. and we asked him about it, and i said, what was the theme and he said, oh -- and he is like, i don't really remember. and i said, you don't remember the theme of your bar mitzvah. and he said, it might have been jazz. >> jimmy: that is a terrible theme. >> the worst. >> jimmy: unless you are an old black guy getting bar mitzvahed. that is a terrible theme to have. >> i lucked out. i had a lot of embarrassing moments but that -- the cake was a blues brothers cake. you go around to the different tables and you find out what table you are at, and you go,

i'm at the david spade table. and you get to your table, and right around the 15th anniversary, and there was a big logo in the middle and instead of the 15, it was a head shot of david spade. and you go, there's any table. >> jimmy: does david spade have any idea that he was featured at your bar mitzvah? >> i would be happy to tell him. >> jimmy: that would be a great story if you ever would host "saturday night live". >> i have a video of it. i would just show that. >> jimmy: next time you are here, bring video of your bar mitzvah. >> i will. i wore a tan suit. i had seen will smith, and he had worn a tan suit on the show. and i thought, we are just about the same dude, so -- i asked my

parents, i got to wear a tan suit. and the braces, kind of heavy set, it was a fun time. >> jimmy: your parents are very supportive people. grangs. max greenfield. we will be right back with lg.

>> jimmy: this is her new album. it is called "into the wild: live at eastwest studios." here with the title track, lp. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ are we on the lonely side say ohh now the past long away ♪ ♪ now are we so lost in the dark of hearts that ohh now there's no light of day ♪

♪ so oh ♪ one two three four ♪ somebody left the gate open you know we got lost on the way ♪ ♪ come save us a runaway train gone insane how do we ♪ ♪ how do we not fade how do we how do we ♪ ♪ how do we not fade away how do we go how do we all go ♪ ♪ into the wild how are we livin' livin' livin' livin' ♪ ♪ whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪ ♪ oh please believe me i'm more scared than not that ohh now this isn't the way ♪ ♪ please be there i can barely hang on but ohh now i'll wait till i break ♪ ♪ ♪ somebody left the gate open you know we got lost on the way ♪ ♪ come save us a runaway train gone insane how do we ♪ ♪ how do we not fade how do we

how do we ♪ ♪ how do we not fade away how do we go how do we all go ♪ ♪ into the wild how are we livin' livin' livin' livin' ♪ ♪ into the wild how are we livin' livin' livin' livin' ♪ ♪ into the wild how are we livin' livin' livin' livin' ♪ ♪ into the wild how are we livin' livin' livin' livin' ♪ ♪ whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪ ♪