>> dicky: from brooklyn, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- jon stewart and stephen colbert. cousin sal's halloween trick or treat. and music from the avett brothers with the brooklyn philharmonic.

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and now, not for nothing here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. well, that's very kind. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming. we are -- [ cheers and applause ] that's very nice, thank you. fine, i'll stay. thank you very much. that's very nice of you. we are live at the harden theater at the brooklyn academy of music -- [ cheers and applause ] i appreciate it.

and thank you for taking time away from your food co-op advisory boards to be here tonight. this is our third night here in brooklyn. the weather is getting better. people are becoming more enthusiastic. when i woke up this morning, it was sunny and beautiful. here's the funny thing about the local news in new york. as soon as the weather is nice, the reporters go right back indoors. [ laughter ] i'm happy to be here either way. honestly, i'm just happy to be on the same drinking schedule as kathie lee and hoda. hey, where is my little hoda? oh, there he is. [ cheers and applause ] welcome, guillermo. he's been in that closet for most of the week. do you like brooklyn, guillermo? >> yeah, i love brooklyn, jimmy. >> jimmy: brooklyn seems to like you. what is the -- this might be a tough question. but what's the best thing you've eaten since you've been here? >> pizza. >> jimmy: pizza? specifically?

what kind -- which one? >> well -- pepperoni with jalapenos. >> jimmy: okay, all right. we're going to have him deported back to l.a. [ laughter ] my aunt chippy is here, too, somewhere in the audience. where is aunt chippy? oh, hi, aunt chippy. [ applause ] pretty much our whole staff came with us. do you have anything you'd like to say? you have a statement you'd like to make to everyone here in brooklyn? >> well, i am very, very proud of them, that our hometown has given you such a great reception and i'm very, very proud to be a brooklynite. >> jimmy: and what is that -- [ cheers and applause ] aunt chippy broke her shoulder on the way in here, so, it's been -- >> yeah, i got a present from jfk airport. >> jimmy: you did, yeah. >> the first time i've broken a bone and if i had to do it any place, i'm glad it was here in brooklyn. >> jimmy: oh, that's -- i don't know what's happened to aunt chippy.

very optimistic. our last conversation, she was smoking and complaining in her hotel room. >> i'll go back to that tomorrow. >> jimmy: everyone hangs out, gets loaded after the show but we have to come back to work the next morning. and act like it didn't happen. [ laughter ] hard to take someone seriously in a meeting when 12 hours later, that person ripped his shirt off and started posing on a bar stool, right, field producer patrick friend? isn't that right? where is patrick? >> jimmy, i've been dreading this all day. terrible. >> jimmy: fortunately, we got video of this from -- i wouldn't say last night, but this morning. there's patrick. i don't know what possessed him to do this. well, i do know what possessed him to do it. aunt chippy, what do you think about that? >> i already spoke to his wife, but i tried to smooth it over, but -- only god knows what's going to happen when he gets home. >> jimmy: you might want to hang out here for awhile. >> i'm staying in brooklyn.

>> jimmy: okay. [ cheers and applause ] you're here on a great night tonight. we have some extra excellent music planned for tonight. the avett brothers are here with the brooklyn philharmonic. [ cheers and applause ] our guests tonight are jon stewart and stephen colbert. from television. [ cheers and applause ] hey, this is fun. you know, there's a lot of very creative facial hair in brooklyn. and sometimes it's hard to tell if it's being worn ironically or not. tonight, i thought it would be fun to play an audience game called hipster or hasidic jew? the way it works is, we will see a closeup shot of a brooklyn resident's mouth and it will be up to you to guess whether that person is hip or hasidic. are you ready? all right, let's begin. beard number one. what do you say? let's see it. let's see what he is. >> my name is ed. everyone says i'm a hipster, but i don't really think i am.

>> jimmy: close enough. okay, hipster. our next candidate. hasidic? all right, we're mixed on this one. let's see what -- [ applause ] this is fun. let's look at another. now this is -- the mustache is rather full. we're going -- most people are on the hipster side here. >> my name is mark. i play vibraphone. >> jimmy: well, there you go. not as many hasidics playing the vibraphone. hasidic? okay. all right. you guys are good at this. >> i play the old time fiddle. >> jimmy: maybe not that good at it. >> not hasidic.

>> jimmy: hipster. one more here. let's take a look. hasidic? okay. all right. >> i'm not a hipster. i am a jew. you can check me out on facebook. >> jimmy: all right. on facebook. [ applause ] hairy facebook. the aftermath of the hurricane is still unfortunately making life very difficult for people in the tri-state area. mayor bloomberg announced that new york city schools will be closed for the rest of the week, and so -- [ applause ] i guess you don't have kids, huh? some of the subways, you know, the subway started back up this morning but they're not close to operating at full capacity. service has been out for four days, causing frustration for millions of riders, except those

who ride the g-train. they didn't notice anything different at all. commuters have been forced to drive their cars or take the bus, which means commutes that are typically 30 minutes long are taking three or four hours. which, to people here, sounds like a nightmare. to me, it sounds like l.a. three hours is considered a long time here for a 30-minute commute? the lines to get on the bus are crazy. somebody posted this picture. this is a line of people waiting to take the shuttle from brooklyn to the city. and this is the bus line wrapped around barclays center down the street. you know, i have an idea. since the kids are out of school, why not use the school buses to lightning that up a little bit? not everything's a joke. [ applause ] new jersey is in especially bad shape. it's like a bruce springsteen song down in new jersey. last night, governor christie announced mandatory water restrictions. no one is allowed to water their lawns, which seeing as how the lawns just received 18 feet of water, seems like a reasonable request.

you're allowed to gym and tan, but no laundry until further notice. the power is still out for 4.5 million people. it might not come back until next weekend. and they say 20% of the cell towers in new york have been wiped out. which means people have been resorting to using these. i believe they are called pay phones. they are -- look at how filthy that is. i'd rather write a letter, to be honest. previouses to hurricane sandy, the only people using those were pimps. now a local pay phone company said since the power went out, they've seen a 2,500% increase in pay phone use. that is -- do you have any idea how hard it is to play draw something on a pay phone? there's also a severe gasoline shortage in new york and new jersey. 75% of the gas stations in the state of new jersey are closed right now. people are waiting in line for hours and the worst part of that is, the people driving priuses who laugh and give you the finger as they go by. but this -- and i don't want to preach here, but -- this is why

it's so important to bury a dinosaur in your yard. you have to plan ahead. cbs-2 news stopped by an overcrowded gas station in the city today where tensions are running even higher than they usually do in new york. >> i'm coming. >> honking and hurling obscenities, drivers nearly coming to blows. >> look at that. he's jumping. >> it was outrage. at a than mat tan gas station. >> he's jumping. this is a line! i follow the line, he come, he's jumping. >> jimmy: i don't know what he's saying, but i agree. you can't jump. the gas shortage, maybe this is bittersweet, but it's national news. even our local nbc affiliate in l.a. covered it in the whitest way they could have. >> it's an added aggravation for long islanders whose storm battered homes remain without electricity and now need gasoline for their newly purchased generators. >> horrible. everyone is fighting and that's what i get. the police are here. >> true that.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: true that. takes us a little while to catch up with the street lingo out in l.a. true that. meanwhile, apple is going forward with the release of the ipad mini tomorrow, or for the millions of people who still don't have electricity, a paperweight. a smaller version of the ipad. anyone standing in line for an ipad mini in new york or new jersey this week should be punched in the throat, all right? if you have that kind of time -- [ applause ] volunteer for something. apple just started running a new commercial for the mini. it looks like they might have another big hit. >> first came the ipod. then, a slightly thinner ipod. then a tinier ipad. then, a taller, thinner ipod. then, a taller, thinner ipod that shuffles your songs. then a pink one, a blue one, a green one. then, an even smaller ipod. then, a wider ipod. then, an ipod you can touch.

then, an ipod you can talk on. then an ipod that you can talk on with a g on it. then, a shorter, fatter ipod. then, a shorter, fatter ipod that shuffles. then, a thinner ipod you can talk on with a 4 on it. then, a huge ipod you cannot talk on. then, a huge ipod that you cannot talk on that's a little faster. then a white one. oh, my god, oh, my god, white! then, a thinner, taller ipod you can talk on. and now, a bigger, but not huge ipod, you cannot talk on. we're apple. and you're suckers. don't forget to buy a new charger, [ bleep ]. [ applause ] >> jimmy: and one more thing. as you know, last night was halloween. and we have a tradition on our show. every year on halloween, my cousin sal greets trick or treaters. usually we do this in l.a., because we live there, but this year, we're in brooklyn. so, we set up camp in nearby ft. green. we rigged it with hidden cameras and entrusted cousin sal to

spread his special brand of halloween fun all over the kids of brooklyn. enjoy. ♪ >> trick or treat! >> hey! happy halloween. who are you supposed to be? >> little red riding hood. >> what was it? >> little red riding hood. >> you're a sweetheart. you know, what i'm unfortunately all out of candy, but -- i want to give you something sweet. here it is. hold it out. >> what? >> here's some pure sugar. all right? i mean, what's the difference? this is what it is. you're eating chocolate, it goes right into your teeth, just like that. >> okay. >> i want you to split this with your brothers and sisters, okay? >> okay, it's heavy. >> all right. you got it? >> okay. >> now get amped up and kill that big bad wolf. >> trick or treat!

♪ happy halloween to you ♪ happy halloween to you blow out the candles. make a halloween wish. come on. you're almost there. one more! yay, you did it! all right, open your bag. there you go! nice halloween cake for you. see you, buddy. >> what did you get? >> cake. >> a cake? >> trick or treat! >> one second. >> yeah, yeah, yeah, halloween is getting crazy. hey, how are you doing? yaer, they're coming all day in droves. all different ages. 3, 5, 9, sometimes they're like 13, 14-year-olds. i know, that's way too old to be trick or treating. hang on one second. i know. i know, well -- what are you going to do?

sometimes kids don't want to grow up, i don't know. keep coming around, they want candy. you know? leather jackets and stockings, purple dresses. you have to give them candy. i don't know what they're dressed as. anyway. way too old to be doing this. yeah, i know. i know. what am i going to do. anyway. silver bags, asking for candy. hair up in a bun. yeah, 13, 14 years old. how old are you? >> 14. >> 14-year-old. braces. oh, it's cute but it gets old after awhile. i don't know how they can do it. okay. all right. i got to go. all right, take care. there you go sweetheart. happy halloween. >> that's it? what?

>> trick or treat. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> what do i have to do, knock on the door? knock on the door, yeah. >> brandy? >> trick or treat! >> hi, oh, trick or treaters. okay, sorry, i thought you were my roommate. can i tell you what happened? my roommate. he woke up in the middle of the night and he said he got bitten by a wolf. >> what? >> isn't that nuts? >> yeah. >> crazy! >> yeah. started growing hair on his nose and his eyes and underneath his

chin and he had these fangs, fangs this big and he kept saying how on halloween, he's like, i'm going to eat four kids and one is going to be dressed in pink and blue and i'm like, call down. and the other thing is, he's like a ballerina. the werewolf and a ballerina. randy! get in here now! what are you doing? and clean your room! >> i'm sorry, kids. you still owe me $20 for cable. bye, kids. here, take the whole thing. he's the worst roommate. happy halloween! >> jimmy: thank you, cousin sal. all right. that's great. we have a good show for you tonight. the avett brothers are here with the brooklyn philharmonic. and we'll be right back with jon stewart and stephen colbert, so stick around. ah-choo!

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♪ [spider-man] we got this. ♪ [mom] this hero stuff is easy! >> jimmy: hi there, welcome back. night three at the harvey theater at the brooklyn academy of music. tonight on the program, this is their latest cd, it's called "the carpenter" but tonight, they have a special song for brooklyn.

the avett brothers are here and they will be joined by the brooklyn philharmonic. that's going to be great. and tomorrow night, it is our last show here in town with kelly ripa, alicia keys and a special appearance by chris rock, so join us then as well. by the way, if you haven't helped out with hurricane sandy relief effort and you can, please go to redcross.org to donate or you can text "redcross" to 90999 to make a $10 donation. they really need the money. and you were probably going to spend it on something stupid anyway. our guests tonight are two of the funniest and finest men i know. you can find them building swing sets out of emmys just across the bridge on their very popular comedy central shows. watch them live on election night. please welcome jon stewart and stephen colbert. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. >> good to see you. >> jimmy: good night, everybody! wow. what a spectacular -- ah, the hell with it, yeah. i don't think people gave you enough applause. jon stewart and stephen colbert. [ cheers and applause ] and -- i don't mean to be rude, but -- can i -- may i ask -- [ cheers and applause ] may i ask who this gentleman is?

>> oh, that's -- that's chris, right? >> jimmy: hi, chris. how are you doing? >> do we have a seat for chris? >> jimmy: i didn't know chris was coming. >> neither did we. bloomberg said you have to have three people in the car. so -- >> jimmy: oh. [ cheers and applause ] very nice guy. >> good guy. >> jimmy: i see. to get over the bridge. >> walking across the manhattan bridge, seemed like a nice fella. >> seemed like a very nice fella. >> chris, thank you so much, man. >> he said, i'm going to brooklyn, we said, get in the car. >> jimmy, do you have snacks backstage? >> jimmy: yeah, we do. >> you want to go back? >> yeah. >> jimmy: chris, everybody. he's going up to -- you all right? everything okay? >> yeah. this is beautiful. >> jimmy: isn't it? >> beautiful theater. >> amazing. >> isn't it beautiful? >> all of brooklyn is beautiful. >> all of it. can i tell you why?

>> why? >> can i tell you what is so beautiful about brooklyn? >> jimmy: what is? >> they have electricity. >> jimmy: that is nice. >> they have power and showers. >> power and showers. >> jimmy: do you not have that? >> not at present but we are assured by christmas -- >> jimmy: that you will have it? >> things will be good. >> how nice of you to drop rolling papers. >> is that -- >> very patriotic. >> jimmy: it's just confetti. nothing to worry about. >> beautiful. >> jimmy: is everything okay? is your family okay? >> jon? >> i think this might be acid. is everything okay -- the home is fine. the inside is dark and cold. >> jimmy: is it really? >> but the home itself, the structural integrity of the home -- >> jimmy: that's good. >> from what i can tell -- stephen and i live together, by the way. >> jimmy: do you? >> we commute to work on a tandem bicycle. >> did you guys know that stephen and i met on j-date? did you know?

>> we did. >> jimmy: stephen was lurking on j-date? that's very nice. >> he was trolling for jews. [ laughter ] >> i got a gem. >> jimmy: where did you guys meet? >> jimmy, we've been friends for 15 years. you know how we met. oh, the story. >> jimmy: yeah, the story, yeah. >> i met you -- >> i was working for "the daily show" before you were there, when it was hosted by jack parr. >> jimmy: oh, that's right. >> and i was a correspondent for "the daily show" and we didn't know who the new host was going to be and they announced it was going to be jon stewart and there was a press conference happening -- >> huge news. >> jimmy: oh, right. >> and i said, well, if i'm a reporter for "the daily show," shouldn't i go cover this? and so i went to -- they said, sure. so, i went to the press conference and i stood there among the rest of the press, i raised my hand, i said, question for jon stewart. how does this announcement affect my chances of becoming the host of "the daily show?"

and jon said -- >> i turned to the head of the network and i said, "i thought you said he wasn't funny." after that, all magic. >> it was. >> jimmy: you've become the most formidable one-two punch in television, i think. we need to take a quick break here and then if you guys would make another entrance, that would be great. make one more round. stephen colbert and jon stewart are here. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] years ago, when the inventors of twix unveiled their bar, the tension between them reached a breaking point, literally.

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>> jimmy: we're back with -- >> hey, everybody. stephen colbert. >> jon stewart. >> jimmy: the avett brothers are still to come. now, we know you guys are -- you're a tandem on the air, partners. off the air, are you friends, do you have things in common? do you hang out together? what goes on with you? >> we hang out, phone calls, mostly late night stuff. it's -- >> i'll text jon at 1:00 a.m., i'll go, "you up?" >> and this is kind of our thing, i go, "you know i am." >> i think we're both products of isolated childhoods. >> yeah. nice to have another, like, nerd friend. >> jimmy: are you nerds? i wouldn't think of you guys as nerds. >> really? >> jimmy: not really, no. >> more like geeks? >> jimmy: i don't know, maybe so i don't have to think of myself as a nerd. i don't think of you have as nerds. >> i look at you as -- >> more of a spaz. >> jimmy: thank you. >> really? i see him as more of a guy that

would take my lunch money. >> you had lunch money? >> i was living the dream, baby. he is much more literate -- the man's recall and photographic memory -- i know of no one in the world -- >> thank you. >> that is fluent in the bible and "lord of the rings." like, he can do both -- >> they're very similar. >> but he can knock out passages, you know, i'm more of a pop culture nerd, like -- >> "star wars" guy. >> "x-men" that kind of thing. this man is a literary -- >> jimmy: can you quote things from "lord of the rings?" >> absolutely, absolutely. not only can i quote them, i was down in new zealand last summer, on the set of "the hobbit" and peter jackson knows i'm a fan of "lord of the rings" and he sent me a note on hobbit stationary, which the top has a drawing of the dragon and i just -- >> look how excited this is making him. >> i freaked out. >> and everybody else is like, i don't know what you're talking about. [ laughter ] >> he invited me down to new

zealand and we're on the set for three days, me and my kids and the person he wrote the movies with, phillip and fran, phillip is their tolkien expert and peter jackson comes up to me, he goes, all right, i'm at a party with all the dwarfs -- and dwarfs can party, by the way. and he goes, all right, stephen, we're going to have a tolkien geekout. you each get to grab the liquor of your choice and i'm going to ask you 50 questions and we'll decide who is the biggest tolkien geek in the world. and i smoked her. >> jimmy: you did? for real? >> smoked her. >> biggest tolkien geek in the world. >> peter jackson officially said i'm the biggest tolkien geek he has ever met. >> this is a true story. bilbo bagans turned to him on the set and said, "enough all right." "take it down a notch."

he said it in elfish. >> jimmy: true or false. you will be in "the hobbit." >> i don't think this is something -- >> i can neither confirm or deny. >> but i can announce, i will be in "yentl 2." >> jimmy: is that right? >> yes. >> jimmy: well, that is a scoop for us. >> must have taken forever to get the pointy ears on you. >> jimmy: last month, you debated bill o'reilly on the internet and that was one of the greatest things i think i've ever seen. i thought that was great. >> oh, thank you. [ applause ] you know, we had a great time. the only thing we had a little bit of trouble with is getting it to people on the internet. but other than that, i thought we did very well. >> i found you could watch it for free on youtube. >> what? you owe me a dollar! >> jimmy: we're going to have take another break. i'm very sorry. >> no, no. we're not going anywhere. we got no power. >> jimmy: very good. jon stewart and stephen colbert are here. we'll be right back. liquid plumr double impact ...

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>> jimmy: jon stewart and stephen colbert are here with us. [ applause ] look at us. we're all wearing suits as if we're adults.

it's ridiculous. how often do you guys get here to brooklyn? >> oh, i actually grew up, my grandparents are from 8th street and avenue o. >> jimmy: is that right? >> my grandfather max drove a cab and spread, from what i understand, was a navy man and gave a lot of people, mostly by the bell parkway, syphilis. >> jimmy: i did not know that. >> family lore. >> and i am one of his bastard children. >> but no, we always used to come to see them, they lived -- [ applause ] it's great. i love this town. >> jimmy: stephen, you have any -- >> i've been to brooklyn before. >> jimmy: you have. >> yeah. >> his people are the people that let my people into the country. his people, they were -- >> i think we were the ones that tried to keep you out. >> oh, that's right. that's what it was. i knew it was one or the other.

i knew they met us at the dock. i just wasn't sure if they gave us one of these or one of these. >> my earliest new york relative got off the boat the day before the draft riot in 1863. they were irish potato famine people. came over here and they immediately said, let's burn this mother down. >> jimmy: who do you think is going to win the election? do you have a gut feeling? >> i think jon is. i think it's jon. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i mean, out of the two guys that are running. >> i'll be honest with you, i have not been following it. [ laughter ] so, i'm -- i'm always excited with this stuff, just tune in and be surprised. >> jimmy: do you feel -- do you like the idea that maybe you're influencing who people vote for? >> i think that's a terrible idea. >> jimmy: do you think so? >> i don't put that much thought into what i say. and i lie a lot. >> if that is the case, we really have to go back to work and study up. >> jimmy: do you think people do? do you think -- i think people do. i think my children, for instance, who are both in college, get most of their

information about politics from the two of you. [ applause ] it's true. >> i would -- i would like to ask you, on behalf of stephen and myself, to have your children not vote. [ laughter ] and, in fact, don't drive a car. no citrus juice. i don't want anything. no -- >> if people say that we do, that's their choice. >> yeah, we don't know. >> but it's not our intention. >> here's the thing about tv. they can see us. but we can't see them. so, we don't know if it's affecting them or if they are basically just using us while they have sex as background noise. we don't -- you have no idea, in fact, in my head, i prepare my show for the idea that, hey, man, let's do a good show tonight, people are banging to this. >> jimmy: you know what? well, i always -- >> before the show starts -- >> that's what i'm looking for. >> jimmy: let's watch them. >> i wear protection before i go out on stage.

just in case. >> got to be ready. >> jimmy: if people are indeed making love right now, let's stop and in case they're not paying attention, stare at them. [ cheers and applause ] that's nicely done. >> i remember when i used to be able to bend my leg like that. >> jimmy: well, so great to have you guys here. >> congratulations, by the way. the 11:30 thing, terrific. long overdue. very exciting. >> jimmy: thank you. appreciate it. >> i'll see you at 11:30. and i will see you in hell. >> jimmy: stephen, did you bring your book? because i feel like i should plug the book. >> i have a book. >> how did you do that? >> i have a book. >> what else do you have back there? >> i have ice cream for everyone! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, that is very

kind. >> sundae bar. >> i don't need to talk about the book. very kind of you. the fact that i have a book is enough. stephen colbert has a book. >> every page packed with more jokes than any reader has a right to have. >> jimmy: i agree with you. we gathered around, the whole family, we put on the 3d glasses -- >> what are you, little house on the prairie? >> jimmy: we have a lot of stuff going on. >> if your house is still flooded, it works as a sham-wow. >> jimmy: stephen colbert, jon stewart, "the daily show," "the colbert report." weeknights on comedy central and stephen's book "america again" is available now. thank you, fellas. we'll be right back with the avett brothers.

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>> jimmy: this is their latest cd, it is called "the carpenter." this song is not from it, but i asked them to do it for reasons you will soon understand. here with the song "i and love and you" with some help from the brooklyn philharmonic, the avett brothers. ♪ ♪ load the car and write the note grab your bag and grab your coat ♪ ♪ tell the ones that need to know we are headed north one foot in and ♪ ♪ one foot back but it don't pay

to live like that so i cut the ties ♪ ♪ and i jumped the tracks for never to return ♪ ♪ ah brooklyn brooklyn take me in are you aware ♪ ♪ the shape i'm in my hands they shake my head it spins ah brooklyn ♪ ♪ brooklyn take me in when at first i learned to speak i used all my words to fight ♪ ♪ with him and her and you and me oh but it's just a waste of time ♪

♪ yeah it's such a waste of time that woman she's got eyes that shine ♪ ♪ like a pair of stolen polished dimes she asked to dance i said it's fine ♪ ♪ i'll see you in the morning time ah brooklyn brooklyn take me in ♪ ♪ are you aware the shape i'm in my hands they shake my head it spins ♪ ♪ ah brooklyn brooklyn take me in ♪ ♪

♪ three words that became hard to say ♪ ♪ i and love and you what you were then i am today look at the things i do ♪ ♪ ah brooklyn brooklyn take me in are you aware the shape i'm in ♪ ♪ my hands they shake my head it spins ah brooklyn brooklyn take me in ♪ ♪ dumbed down and numbed

by time and age your dreams the catch ♪ ♪ the world the cage the highway sets the traveler's stage ♪ ♪ all exits look the same three words that became hard to say i and love and you ♪ ♪ i and love and you i and love and you ♪