>> jimmy: hi, i'm "jimmy kimmel live." american airlines is upgrading its fleet to offer a brand-new flying experience. here's guillermo with more. >> hi, guillermo here. i love to fly on an airplane, and the new boeing 300 from american airlines is the best. it has a business class cabin with great features. and the best part is the seats. they lay flat. they're so cozy that i like to bring them with me wherever i go. can i get another drink? can i get another blanket? can you rub my feet? can i get a coffee? oh, thank you. you do a lot of exercise? hey, when do i eat? pizza. i love pizza.

hi. wow. thank you for having that wonderful body. >> enjoy a whole new level of comfort, connectivity, and convenience only on american airlines. "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with john krasinski, mike birbiglia, and music from atlas genius. [ female announcer ] when a woman wears a pad, she can't always move the way she wants. now you can with new stayfree ultra thins. flexible layers move with your body, while thermocontrol wicks moisture away. keep moving. new stayfree.

and under 550 calories each. you have to taste it to believe it. i believe it! i can dig it! [ male announcer ] uh oh. yep, they tasted it. big flavor, big portions, starting at just $9.99. see you tomorrow. man: at turbotax, we know this is more than a paycheck. it's long, hard days, late nights, and missed little league games. you've worked hard to earn your money. and we think you should have the power to keep as much of it as possible. we have tax experts to answer your questions. we'll back you and support you.

because a dollar here, a dollar there-- every dollar is more important when it's yours. turbotax-- the power to keep what's yours. try it free at turbotax.com. >> dicky: "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- john krasinski. mike birbiglia. and music from atlas genius. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: welcome to the show.

thank you for watching. just follow me over here for a minute. i just want you to see something, if you could. oh, it's gone now. there was a cable laid out just to trip me when i came out here. [ laughter ] you were supposed to be watching that, guillermo. that's your fault. that's on you. he still doesn't speak any english. well, thank you for coming to visit on this american historic day. [ laughter ] in case you hadn't already heard it from every annoying person at work, it's december 12th, 2012. 12-12-12. really? a lot of people got married today. the wedding chapels in las vegas were jam-packed today because of the date, which to me, speaking as a man, which i am, i'm not sure that's a good idea. it's bad enough when you forget your anniversary. but forgetting it when you got

married on 12-12-12, that's just asking for trouble. that's dangerous. but it's an exciting -- i haven't been this excited since 11-11-11. [ laughter ] you know, this is probably the last time anyone in this room will ever see a triple date. january 1st, 2101 comes along, odds are we'll all be dead. something fun to think about. tonight on abc, the 20th annual barbara walters most fascinating people, special. barbara will be alive in 2101. she's the only one. barbara's list this year included secretary of state hillary clinton, olympic gold medal winning gymnast gabby douglas, ben affleck, seth macfarlane, one direction, the author of "fifty shades of grey", new jersey governor chris christie, and honey boo boo. for real. although it was fun to see barbara eat cheese balls off the floor with her. i think the best question of the night came during barbara's interview with chris christie.

she did not ignore the elephant in the room. >> okay, governor, i feel very uncomfortable asking this question when i'm sitting opposite you. you are a little overweight. >> more than a little. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> why? [ laughter ] >> why do you think? because i exercise too much. because i can't get off my treadmill. and then he belly bumped her out of the room. these barbara walters specials are very popular. they become kind of a tv institution. but obviously, barbara's eventually going to have to pass the torch. tonight another beloved broadcaster took the step in that direction with a new special full of all-new levels of fascination. >> hi. i'm guillermo. welcome to my two most fascinating chihuahuas special. this year, my two most fascinating chihuahuas make us

laugh, make us cry, and most of all, make us think. let's meet them now. the two most fascinating chihuahua of 2012 is pepe! and now it's time to reveal my number one most fascinating chihuahua of 2012. paco! pepe, don't feel bad. you're very, very fascinating, too. well, that's all for my two most fascinating chihuahuas of 2012 special. and don't forget to go on facebook to cast your vote for the 2012 sexy swimsuit chihuahua. for the history channel, i'm guillermo. >> the history channel?

[ applause ] thank you, guillermo. >> you're welcome. >> jimmy: fascinating. fascinating, indeed. as you're presumably aware, the christmas season is upon us. it's hard to get in the holiday spirit in l.a. it's hard to get in the holiday spirit anywhere where you see people shopping for christmas trees in shorts. but this is from phoenix. no matter where you live, there's always one house in the neighborhood that goes nuts with decorations. this house, these people put up more than 20,000 lights. they have nut crackers, snow men, santa, trees, reindeer on the roof. it's a serious commitment to christmas. i guess their neighbors felt like there was no way they could compete with this, so they right next door just wrote the word "ditto" in christmas lights on the house. i love that. [ applause ] that's nicely done. this is nice, too. somebody's been going into k-mart stores in upstate south carolina and anonymously paying off layaway items people are

paying off to give to their families. it's very generous and the shoppers and staff were surprised. >> barbara gibbs has been searching for the words to express her gratitude. she couldn't believe what a store associate told her on the other end of the phone. >> a secret santa just came in and paid your layaway off. i said what? are you serious? >> me and my manager are just like wow. after the third one, he was like let's just do one more just for the heck of it. and we did another one. it was just bumfounded, fabulous, just straight speechless. >> i think we're all a little bumfounded. i thought bumfounded is when you found a hobo sleeping on your lawn. [ laughter ] speaking of gifts, a lot of people have trouble coming up with a good christmas gift, partly because we lie, like always. you get a gift, you say i love it, this is great and then

people have no sense of what you like or not. but i have a system to deal with this. pay attention, because here's what you do. contact your giftee's spouse, tell her or him you're looking for a gift idea for her husband and she'll say let me think about it. her job now is to go directly to him and say jimmy needs a gift idea for you. he says tell him i want an ipad. she calls me and says i think he wants an ipad, he's been talking about it a lot. i order him an ipad. i have to stay home the whole day because they won't leave it home without a signature. christmas comes, i give him the gift, he pretend to be surprised and everyone's happy. and that is the true meaning of christmas right there. [ applause ] a little white -- it's a mutual lie. all the tv networks who have them are running their holiday specials right now. one of the most popular is "rudolph the red nosed reindeer." it's 48 years old now, and in my opinion could use some freshening up, so tonight we removed all the old fashioned dialogue from rudolph and we

replaced with it the audio from "the real housewives of beverly hills." i think this opens things up for a whole new demographic. >> if someone says anything about my family, i'm not going to take that lightly. >> what happened? >> we just heard comments that that bitch made. talking about you. you had some comment about my family? >> what? >> tell me. >> you just called me a bitch. >> you are a bitch. >> [ bleep ]. >> we're asking at home right now, is brandy a truth cannon or a bitch? [ applause ] >> jimmy: i consider myself a truth cannon. and a bitch. big news in the world of twitter today. the pope today sent his first tweet. this was the pope's first tweet. he wrote why chris brown off twitter? so dumb.

the pope tweeted seven times. mostly he keeps instagraming pictures of his hat. but the news media was on hand to capture this important event. you see that's the pope with an ipad. he hit send on the tweet. he seemed to get the hang of it pretty quickly, because the next thing he did was he went to kim kardashian's page and he followed her and just started favoriting things. it's always fun to see who people like the pope follow on twitter. right now he's following the german language version of himself. the spanish language version of himself. portuguese, polish version, the italian version, the french version, the arabic version, and ghostface killah. i guess they met at diddy's house in the hamptons. the u.s. department of agriculture has announced it's changing restrictions on public school lunches to allow more meat. in september, they began limiting meat to try to combat

childhood obesity, but the kids weren't getting enough to eat, so now the restrictions have been lifted. basically what happened is the government told kids to eat their vegetables, the kids said no, and then the government gave in and bought them a hamburger, just like mom and dad. and now that there are no restrictions on the amount of meat some kids can have, some big companies are jumping in to try to take advantage. >> hey, kids. tired of your lame old juice boxes? >> yeah. >> so is the u.s. department of agriculture. forget fruit and get ready for a beefsplosion. introducing caprisun beef. eight ounces of cow in a pouch. >> it tastes like a thousand hamburgers. >> that's the taste of america. >> can i have 20? >> sure. there's no limit to the amount of beef the u.s. government will let you consume. >> cool. thanks department of u.s. alry culture. >> make your cafeteria a beefateria today.

may cause childhood obesity or early onset diabetes. [ applause ] >> jimmy: everyone loves the story at christmas, the manger, the star, the wise men. i was wondering how well kids know it when they're still kids? by the time you're a parent, you've heard the story a thousand times. today we thought it would be fun to go to hollywood boulevard and ask little kids to tell us the story. here it is now. the story of christmas, as told by kids. >> the story of christmas was about baby jesus being born. >> god didn't like the way we were being down on earth, so says i'm going to send my son to go take care of that. bam. angel comes. hey. god's son is coming down. he's going to be born unto you. >> i think it happened like in the 1950s. >> they rode on a donkey to

bethlehem. >> the shooting star in the sky. it was really beautiful. >> he was born in a mansion in bethlehem because they didn't know where to have the baby, so they asked these people to go in their mansion. >> put them into the little animal feeding thing. >> they have, like, sheep, horses, and cows. >> they eat whatever they want. >> yeah, they eat whatever. >> and they can't have fizzy drinks. >> here comes jesus. >> it snows when it's christmas. >> the kings sent three people to see jesus and give them gifts. >> i don't really know the president. my brother does. >> no, i don't. >> you're serious?

>> i don't. >> i don't. >> gold, silver, mirth. >> mirth, gold, and -- >> frankfurters. >> no. >> i think we should just carry on with the story then. >> he sleeps in with his big jesus. >> little jesus sleeps in the big bed with his little jesus? >> yeah. >> the king didn't like jesus. he sent out wanting to find him and kill him. >> that's the story of christmas. the end. [ applause ] >> jimmy: kids are so dumb, aren't they? >> jimmy: tonight on the show, mike birbiglia is here, we have music from atlas genius and we'll be right back with john krasinski, so stick around.

♪ [ male announcer ] let's go places. not just the ones you can find on a map. but the ones you can find in your heart. let's go beyond everything we know. and embrace everything we don't. and once we've reached our destination, let's keep going. because inspiration doesn't favor those who sit still. it dances with the daring... ♪ oh, oh, oh-oh, oh [ male announcer ] ...and rewards the courageous with ideas that excite, challenge, even inspire. ideas that take you places you never imagined.

ideas big enough and powerful enough to make the heart skip a beat and, in some cases, maybe two. toyota. let's go places. my name is taho and i'm a fish guy. it's a labor of love. it's a lot of labor and it's a lot of love. i don't need to go to the gym. my job is my workout. you're shoveling ice all day long. it's rough on the back. it's rough on the shoulders. i get muscle aches all over. advil® is great. pain and soreness is just out of the picture. [ male announcer ] make the switch. take action. take advil®. and for sinus congestion, now you can get advil® combined with a proven decongestant. breathe easier with advil® congestion relief.

♪ [ female announcer ] mcdonald's dollar menu just keeps getting better. introducing the all-new mouthwatering grilled onion cheddar burger, topped with melty white cheddar and caramelized onions. plus all your tasty favorites for just a dollar each. ♪ every day, as always, there's a lot to love for a little on mcdonald's dollar menu. ♪

>> jimmy: tonight on the program, a very funny comedian who wrote, directed and starred in a very successful independent film called "sleepwalk with me." it is available now on itunes and comes out on dvd and blu-ray next week. mike birbiglia is here. and then, a band from australia making their u.s. network television debut. this is their album "through the glass." atlas genius from the bud light stage. tomorrow night, we'll be joined by the host of "the voice" carson daly, from "happy

endings" zachary knighton will be here and we'll have music from dan deacon. so join us then. our first guest is a very charming and gifted young man whom you know from nine seasons on "the office." now he co-stars alongside the despicable matt damon in the excellent new movie "promised land," which opens in theaters january 4th. please welcome john krasinski. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? how you doing? >> i'm doing well. >> i like the suit. >> thank you. >> jimmy: normally you don't have much in the way of clothing on at all. >> hold on! there's more. >> jimmy: it's a special time of the year for us here, because, well, because john and i live across the street from each other. every year, we do something to

each other's homes to celebrate the holiday. >> luckily just the homes. not to each other. >> jimmy: not to each other yet. >> i'm pretty sure it's going to end in death. >> jimmy: i guess i should catch everyone up. because you started this. you broke into my house. >> yep. >> jimmy: and i came home to find -- >> yep, there they are. >> jimmy: these characters. >> their names are ted and alice. >> jimmy: in the living room of my home. then i followed by buying a neon insurance sign and putting that in front of your house. >> it was lovely. it was lovely. >> jimmy: a picture of you when you found the sign. there we go. >> i don't know why i was on the ground. >> jimmy: the weird thing is i don't think this was even for halloween. >> that was for christmas. >> jimmy: that's right. for christmas, he buried a zombie in my yard. which, i'll be honest, was terrifying.

and so now this year, you came home last night to this enormous moving reindeer. [ laughter ] >> guess who else came home to it? all my neighbors. >> jimmy: just to give you an idea what this looks like from the street. [ applause ] >> this is upsetting. >> jimmy: there's a little close-up. it's mud balls. >> i looked into it. they can't pop. that was just you. >> jimmy: this one did. so what i'm worried about now is that i've done this too far away from christmas and that there will be a response of some kind. >> 100%, yeah. >> jimmy: but the way i see it, we're even now. >> we're kind of even.

the problem is that jimmy's fiancee called and said what's your new address? because we're in a rental. we had a thing happening at the house. she said what's your address? i said i don't trust you. she said no, we have a gift basket. i was like i don't trust you as far as i can throw you. she goes stop being a child! i was like here's my address. >> jimmy: i did tell her write back "stop being a child." and you gave the address up immediately. >> yeah, because i knew i'd never hear the end of it. >> jimmy: i think you did the right thing. you have a beautiful wife emily, because otherwise the pranks would be far, far more extreme. it wouldn't be fake reindeer crapping in the house. you'd be living in a house made of crap, for instance. >> we have a really good idea. hopefully it beats it by christmas. >> jimmy: in that case i may go out of town for a little while. is something coming? you've got to do this before you come on the show. >> i know. well, trust me, you'll want to have it on the show.

>> jimmy: you have a christmas story that i'm particularly fond of. tell the story about when you and your buddy went to go sit on santa's lap. >> oh, yes. my buddy danny and i a few years ago thought we'd be the first grown adults ever to go on santa at the mall. it's happened a million times. mostly people who are intoxicated. we weren't at the time and we thought this will be so hilarious. we walked into the little place. there wasn't anybody in line and we met the most depressed santa ever. and he was sitting on the chair like this. and he was like hey, guys. and we're like hey, santa. and my friend danny was like hey, santa, can i sit on your lap? he was like sure. and then hands him these bells. danny goes what are the bells for? he goes to stop your cries. danny goes i'm not going to cry, santa, are you going to cry?

and he goes, i'm crying on the inside. so now we're super bummed out. and then i think this is all a ploy, because when the guy goes one, two, three and takes the picture, we took the picture, and as we walked out, he's the best professional santa ever because you'll see what his face is on one, two, three. >> jimmy: should i show this now? one, two, and then there's three. >> yeah! it was the most amazing thing. he went from like slumped over to like -- >> jimmy: you resurrected him. >> exactly. as soon as we took the picture, we walked away and he like shut down again. >> jimmy: it's pathetic. so i have a gift for you. besides the reindeer. and i wanted to give it the you on the show. you know how you wanted to tweet, you wanted to start tweeting under your name? >> because i'm 92 years old. i'm like what's all this tweeting about? >> jimmy: unfortunately, someone took your name and was tweeting -- >> doing a very good job for me. >> jimmy: they were you.

turned out it was a girl. i don't even know where she lived. but we tracked her down. >> no way. >> jimmy: and we convinced her -- she graciously, after we paid her -- [ laughter ] gave us your twitter name back. >> no way. >> jimmy: so now i have control of your name. >> no way. i have a twitter account? >> jimmy: you have a twitter account now. there you are. that's you. and i'm going to send your first tweet for you, if you don't mind. i want to introduce you to how it goes. yolo. that is what your thing is. and i'm going to go #yolo. [ laughter ] there, you tweeted. you just tweeted. >> wow. [ applause ] that is incredible. i don't even know what to do with that. >> jimmy: you write and you send

them out so that the world can read them. >> it's so sad that i'm going to be like this is amazing! >> jimmy: you should send some tweets out. you already have 179 followers. >> that was all you. >> jimmy: none of them are me. i am you are following one person and that's me. okay? but you need to add some. get your friends who tweet. we're going to take a break. you wrote and starred in a movie with matt damon. >> i did, yeah. >> jimmy: which i have some personal problems with, but we'll talk about it when we come back. john krasinski is right here. "promised land" is his movie. we'll be right back. [ ryon ] eating shrimp at red lobster

is a fantastic experience. 30 shrimp for $11.99. i can't imagine anything better. you're getting a ton of shrimp, and it tastes really good! [ male announcer ] hurry in to red lobster's 30 shrimp for just $11.99!

choose any two of five savory shrimp selections, like mango jalapeño shrimp and parmesan crunch shrimp. two delicious shrimp selections on one plate! all with salad and unlimited cheddar bay biscuits. 30 shrimp, just $11.99 for a limited time. wow, that's a lot of shrimp. i'm ryon stewart, i'm the ultimate shrimp lover, and i sea food differently.

with h&r block's stewart, second look,imate shrimp lover, there's a lot of messed-up tax returns out there. people bring in old tax returns, and i'm like, "who did this to you?" you have a return. bring it in; i'll look at it for free. i'll go back three years. i'm going to get you every single deduction out there. get your free second look from h&r block now.

progresso. your new light creamy potato with bacon & cheese soup says it's 100 calories a serving. that's right. in what world do potatoes, bacon and cheese add up to 100 calories? your world. my world. ♪ [ whispers ] real bacon...creamy cheese... [ whispers ] 100 calories... say it again... [ whispers ] 100 calories... ma'am, hello? ma'am? [ female announcer ] find progresso light for a great price today at your local safeway store.

i came here for a reason. i got to do what i came here to do. >> you took our money. >> but i did put that donation to good use. thank you. hey, sue. >> okay, it's all a joke. do you have any idea what we're dealing with here? we're a $9 billion company. do you know what we're capable of? >> do you?

because all i see here is you and me, steve. one of us is a lot more confident than the other one. one of us is about to get punched in the face. >> jimmy: that is john krasinski and matt damon in "promised land." what a great job you did. >> you're one of the first people to see it. i wasn't even supposed to say that. >> jimmy: i just wonder, though, why matt damon? >> i agree with you. i did it just to get to ben. now i have his number. "argo 2"! it's not going to be as good as the first one. >> jimmy: you wrote the movie with matt damon. >> i did, yes. >> jimmy: how did that process go? >> it was really fun. we worked really well together. but we usually would write so late that then we'd either have drinks or dinner and that was always the most fun part. there was this one night actually that emily was over and they had friends over and we were going to have this party at

the house after writing, which was pretty great, a and so we walked across the street in new york to the wine store that's across the street and he goes in there all the time to get wine for different events and he bought like a case of wine or something for a bunch of different people and he didn't have his i.d. on him. so he gets his credit card and the guy was like no. and matt was like no, i come in here all the time, i promise i'm who i say i am. he's like no, you don't have your i.d. so matt slowly takes his hat off, and he's like, i'm who's on the card. and the whole time i'm like this is so embarrassing, matt. and the guy's like i don't know who you are. and i was just like oh, my god, now this is hurting my street cred. i'm like matt, we should just leave. we go back to his apartment and she so pissed off. he's like i'm going to show that guy that he lost a major, major customer. so he goes around his house and tries to find something to bring back to show the guy but all he

had was "stuck on you" the dvd. [ laughter ] he's like i can't show this to him. he won't take me seriously. so he got like a german gq or something that his publicist sent him. it says like dying matt damon. he goes you just lost my business, pal. the guy goes, okay, get out. as he walks out, he goes hey, jim, i think you're pretty hilarious. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i knew that matt damon was a violent, arrogant, pompous drunk and now you've proven it on television! >> it's true. >> jimmy: well, you did a really great job with the movie. the movie is called "promised land." it opens on theaters january 4th. go see it. john krasinski, everybody. we'll be right back with mike birbiglia. sorry. sore knee.

blast of cold feels nice. why don't you use bengay zero degrees? it's the one you store in the freezer. same medicated pain reliever used by physical therapists. that's chilly! [ male announcer ] bengay zero degrees. freeze and move on.

progresso. your new light creamy potato with bacon & cheese soup says it's 100 calories a serving. that's right. in what world do potatoes, bacon and cheese add up to 100 calories? your world. my world. ♪ [ whispers ] real bacon...creamy cheese... [ whispers ] 100 calories... say it again... [ whispers ] 100 calories... ma'am, hello? ma'am? [ female announcer ] find progresso light for a great price today at your local safeway store.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series sponsored by bud light. to stream off-air performances and other music videos, go to jimmykimmellive.com. starting january 8th, watch "jimmy kimmel live" at 11:35 when jimmy's guests will be jennifer aniston, ryan gosling, sofia vergara, and dr. oz. plus music from no doubt, brad

paisley, and bruno mars. he and his team set out to combine power and fuel efficiency. people said it wouldn't work out. people were wrong. here's proof. an ecoboost engine in the new ford escape with up to a best-in-class 33 mpg highway, and plenty of power to spare. it's the little engine that most definitely can. the all new twenty thirteen ford escape. it's what happens when you go further. hershey's is more than chocolate. it's an invitation. to stop and savor. when the chocolate is hershey's. life is delicious.

man: this is more than a paycheck. we know the serving, teaching, driving, and writing it took to earn it. that's why turbotax helps you keep more of your money. with a customized interview, it helps you get every deduction, credit, and penny you deserve. try it free at turbotax.com.

are full of flavor and under 550 calories each? i'll believe it when i taste it. i believe it! i can dig it! [ male announcer ] ok, a bit of an overreaction, but... uh oh...what now? ♪ ah, the old great taste, under 500 calories flash mob bit. eesh. the new zesty roma chicken & shrimp and roasted garlic sirloin. big flavor, under 550 calories. starting at just $9.99. see you tomorrow. and late night for half-price apps.

progresso. your new light creamy potato with bacon & cheese soup says it's 100 calories a serving. that's right. in what world do potatoes, bacon and cheese add up to 100 calories? your world. my world. ♪ [ whispers ] real bacon...creamy cheese... [ whispers ] 100 calories... say it again... [ whispers ] 100 calories... ma'am, hello? ma'am? [ female announcer ] find progresso light for a great price today at your local safeway store.

>> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny and industrious guy who turned his successful one-man show into a book, a cd and a movie. the movie is called "sleepwalk with me." it is available now on itunes and comes out on dvd and blu-ray tuesday. please say hello to mike birbiglia. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> thank you. i'll pretend i'm famous and i'll

just stand for more applause. hello, hello! >> jimmy: we're dressed almost identically. it's actually embarrassing. >> i was thinking how fantastic you look. >> jimmy: you look great, too. by the way, great job on the movie. really, to make a movie like this. and a lot of people try to make their own movie, low budget type of thing and it almost never comes out good but this came out just great. >> thank you. and i want to thank you personally for tweeting about it because you tweeted that you liked it and you have two million followers and it's very meaningful because we don't have an ad budget. like we literally just have to tell people that it exists or else it's a secret. we don't even have tv commercials. we just have a video on youtube that's a hypothetical commercial if we would have tv commercials. >> jimmy: so you could launch if you had a cannon to launch it

from. >> yeah, like my brother made the website. you know i mean? i'm pretty sure christian bale's brother didn't make the batman website. >> jimmy: actually, he did. >> he should do other movies. >> jimmy: i'll get john krasinski to tweet it too. he has almost 200 followers. but you really did a great job. you got into these big film festivals. a lot of the best of the year lists. this must be a overwhelming experience for you. >> it is very exciting and it's -- yeah. the most exciting festival for me was -- we did sundance, which was great. but i was in the montreal just for laughs festival. >> jimmy: that's a great festival. >> and i got to meet the muppets. >> jimmy: oh really? >> yeah. [ applause ] the muppets are not people. they're puppets. >> jimmy: totally. >> but they had a tv special

where they were hosting and then i was a comedian performing, and so i had to follow fozzie bear. >> jimmy: oh really? fozzie did standup? >> he did standup. the thing about fozzie bear that people don't realize, he's actually a pretty good comedian. i know the joke is that he sucks, but it's kind of like the washington generals, the harlem globetrotters. >> jimmy: the team they always beat. >> it's like they're really good at basketball. if you played them, they would dunk on you every day. it would be like i thought you suck! they'd be like, we play a role! fozzie is good. he's got a catch phrase, woka woka, which is like get her done. he killed. he got heckled. >> jimmy: by who? >> the two fellows who live in the balcony.

>> jimmy: they're very negative. >> yeah, that's their whole thing. i don't know what they do for a living. but they just -- yeah, they heckled him off the stage. and then they introduced me, which is a really bad precedent for hecklers. >> jimmy: statler and waldorf? >> yeah, they introduced me. which is a bad precedent for hecklers. the heckler defeats the comedian, they take over show. >> jimmy: that is a bad message. >> and then they preheckled me. they're like this guy you might have seen on the jimmy kimmel show. they just go this guy walks in his sleep. oh yeah? i like sleeping during his act! please welcome mike birbiglia. i had to walk out like hey! and then i just needed a stool onstage to tell this one story about sleepwalking and it wasn't there when i walked on. and it was a tv taping, so i knew we could go back. i was like oh, can we stop, actually? i need like a stool.

i was like oh, [ bleep ]. and everyone stared at me. and i realized that i had cursed in front of the muppets. you're not allowed to curse in front of the muppets, like at all. i think that's why they booked me because i don't usually curse onstage. >> jimmy: so what happened? >> so they reintroduced me. and then i came on and the audience turned on me. i'm like bombing. like it's the opposite of a dream come true. when you're a kid you're like maybe someday i'll get to muppets. you're never like someday i'll be on the muppets, i'll be on their show and then i'll bomb and everyone will hate me. it was like i wish it had never happened. it would be better if i just watched the muppets on television. that's much better than this. >> jimmy: are you now going to make another movie? is that the plan? >> i am. i'm touring the country. i have a few more dates with my

girlfriend's boyfriend, which is my next one-man show. i'm adapting it into a film. just planning to shoot next year. i went this summer to write it. my wife and i went to massachusetts and we went to the -- we rented -- or we borrowed. i shouldn't say we rented. we got it for free. a house that our friend -- we went into a house in the forest -- >> you squatted s what you did. >> we went into a house in the forest and lived there for a short period of time. >> jimmy: the forest? >> it was pretty deep in. there was like wildlife. we have a cat, ivan. he was like be careful that you don't let him outside. there are wolves. and the wolves will eat your cat. >> jimmy: this is in bavaria or something? >> it's in massachusetts. >> jimmy: there are wolves in massachusetts? >> apparently. i thought he was kidding. i was like ha ha ha. he's like no, there are wolves. and so we were there, and the first thing that happened is i

lost our cat. like we were supposed to kind of introduce him to the house by room, like slowly. and i thought he seems like he's really getting it. so i opened the door to the screened in porch and then i fell asleep, i woke up, he's gone. and i'm running around, i'm like oh no! i wake up my wife. i'm like chloe! her name is jen. but i call her chloe. i can't find ivan. and she had these -- i don't know if you've ever seen these before. she had like what i call divorce eyes. [ laughter ] i've never seen that before. like before that point, i thought we were going to be married forever. and now i'm like oh, there's a trigger for this to end. and then we found ivan. we sprinted around. we found him.

he was in the basement. it was a wild week because there were mice in the house. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> and they were parasitic mice. >> jimmy: what? >> we looked it up online. they have parasites, which means they're unafraid of people or cats. and so we knew this because they were unafraid of us. in other words, like one day, my wife and i were watching tv and she looked next to her and there was a mouse sitting next to her. and it wasn't running away. like it was just like stewart little, like hey, i like this show. like we should watch "idol." felt like we were roommates. and then she shrieks like ladies do at a mouse like in cartoons. then the mouse just walked away. he was like all right. like he walked into the kitchen. he's like well, if you see it that way. and then one day i woke up --

one night i woke up and the mouse was -- jen goes mo? that's what she calls me. my name's mike. she calls me mo. she goes mo, the mouse is coming after ivan. and i look over and the mouse is walking towards ivan. and ivan just swatted him and the mouse flew across the room. and then walked towards ivan like a zombie. just like ahh! ivan's like ahh! and jen's like do something! and i'm like we have a cat! it's the only thing a cat does! like i drive, i pay for his food. and he eats mice. and so i went after the mouse, i got a cup, i put it on the mouse, i got a magazine underneath it, and i threw it

out in the forest where it was eaten by wolves. >> jimmy: there you go. mike birbiglia, go see his movie, it's called "sleepwalk with me." we'll be right back with atlas genius. [ woman ] ring. ring. progresso. your new light creamy potato with bacon & cheese soup says it's 100 calories a serving. that's right. in what world do potatoes, bacon and cheese add up to 100 calories? your world. my world. ♪ [ whispers ] real bacon...creamy cheese... [ whispers ] 100 calories... say it again... [ whispers ] 100 calories... ma'am, hello? ma'am? [ female announcer ] find progresso light for a great price today at your local safeway store.

mom, pop it. ♪ two inches apart, becky. two inches. t-minus nine minutes. [ ding ] [ female announcer ] pillsbury cinnamon rolls. let the making begin. ♪ [ female announcer ] go from zero to pizza in just 60 seconds with totino's pizza rolls and grab a bite of snack-defying, satisfying... because pizza...never...misses. it's on. let's roll. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series sponsored by bud light. >> jimmy: their album is called

"through the glass." making their network television debut with the song "trojans," atlas genius. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ take it off take it in take off all the thoughts of what we've been ♪ ♪ take a look, hesitate take a picture you could never recreate ♪ ♪ write a song make a note for the lump that sits inside your throat ♪ ♪ change the locks change the scene change it all but can't change what we've been ♪ ♪ oh-oh-oh your trojan's in my head oh-oh-oh your trojan's in my head your trojan's in my head ♪

♪ it's ok if it's gone the thoughts that you had that it was the one ♪ ♪ and oh, what is left for all those times is that what you get ♪ ♪ oh, regardless the walls get painted anyway ♪ ♪ oh, you're guarding the gates but it all got away ♪ ♪ oh-oh-oh your trojan's in my head oh-oh-oh your trojan's in my head ♪ ♪ your trojan's in my head your

trojan's in my head ♪ take it off take it in take off all the thoughts of what we've been ♪ ♪ take a look, hesitate take a picture you could never recreate ♪ ♪ write a song make a note for the lump that sits inside your throat ♪ ♪ change the locks change the scene change it all but can't change what we've been ♪ ♪ oh-oh your trojan's in my head

oh-oh your trojan's in my head ♪ ♪ oh-oh your trojan's in my head oh-oh-oh your trojan's in my head your trojan's in my head ♪ ♪ take it off take it in all the thoughts of what we've been ♪ ♪ take off all the thoughts of what we've been ♪ >> jimmy: atlas genius. this is their cd. you see a bonus song fro