i appreciate it. the deal is this, we used to be on at midnight. now we're on at 11:35. now 25 minutes closer to my lifelong dream of co-hosting "the view." [ laughter ] we've been waiting for this day for a long time. and i want to thank our network abc for this vote of confidence. it was a big decision. it's a risky decision. it really is. some might even say it was a stupid decision. but i want them to know that i understand what's at stake here, and i do not take this responsibility lightly, especially now with the kanye west-kim kardashian baby on the way. this is the time that i shine bright like a diamond. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you. i feel so shiny already. you guys look shiny, too. for those of you who tuned in expecting to see "nightline" right now, this is not it. "nightline" is on after us now, and i hope you stay up to watch it because it's a great show. but just because this isn't "nightline," that doesn't mean

we're not going to talk about important stuff. for instance, did you know honey boo boo's mother is afraid of mayonnaise? >> everybody that truly loves me, they know that i'm terrified of mayonnaise. >> i think it's stupid. seriously. it's white and it's mayonnaise. it's like ketchup but it's just white. >> i don't see you eating it. >> i'm a vegetarian. >> mayonnaise does not have meat in it. you cannot be a vegetarian of mayonnaise. mayonnaise is not a meat. it is something you put on a sandwich. >> she's right. much like almost everyone in los angeles, our set had some work done over the break. we have new floors. we have a new backdrop. do you like it, guillermo? what do you think? >> i like it a lot. >> be honest, you like it?

>> it looks great. >> jimmy: for those of you that have not seen the show before, this is my wife guillermo. we've been together almost ten years now. you're clapping for yourself. tell everyone a little bit about yourself, guillermo. go ahead, you have the stage. >> well, i love to eat and i love to drink. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's right off the top of his head. you know, from time to time, we send a camera out on the street to ask people what they think about things that never happened. for instance, in october, we asked people what they thought of the first lady debate between michelle obama and ann romney. and of course, there was no debate between michelle obama and ann romney. but for some reason, people are very willing to lie into news cameras, or what they think are news cameras. this afternoon, we went out to hollywood boulevard to ask people how they think our show is doing in our new time slot. keep in mind, we've only been in this time slot for about three

minutes. so there's no possible way they could have an opinion on this. but that didn't stop them from having one. and it's time now for tonight's edition of "lie witness news." >> have you been watching jimmy kimmel during his new 11:35 time slot? >> i have. and i'm very excited. >> and what do you like about the new show? >> um, the new show -- i feel like he has a lot more freedom to be himself and it's a little more edgy. you know, he gets to push the envelope a little bit more. >> have you been watching jimmy kimmel at his new 11:35 time slot? >> i have been. it's easier. >> do you like the old show better than the new show? >> yeah, because i get to bed earlier. it's pretty good. >> do you like the new set and the new band? >> i like the new band. the new set -- >> what do you like more about the new band versus the old band? >> i think they have more talent. more guys in there with more

pieces, i think. >> what do you think about the fact that he wears jeans and a t-shirt now and not a suit? >> i like it. i think it's more relaxing and the audience can enjoy it and it's more personal because they can relate to it because no one actually wears a suit all the time. >> do you think jimmy is pulling off his new earring well? >> yes, i do. it's awesome. keep it going, bro. >> what do you think about the fact that he's been wearing cargo shorts. >> i don't like cargo shorts. >> you know those are for charity, right? >> really? i did not know that. that's cool. i like them better now. >> did you see the episode with the dalai lama? >> yes. >> did you think it was funny? >> i thought it was hilarious. >> did you see the part where he lit him on fire and ran around the stage? >> that was great. >> did you like the episode with the pope? >> yeah, that was a funny story about that one. i was drunk when i saw that one, so i definitely liked that one. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we should all be

ashamed of ourselves. we have quite a show for you tonight. no doubt is here. [ cheers and applause ] and our guest tonight, we have a great guest tonight. jennifer aniston is here. [ cheers and applause ] for the first time ever. she's never been here on the show. and i think she's going cut my hair. she was telling me that when she was a kid she used to cut people's hair for $10, so i have $10 and i figure why not let her cut it, right? i'm getting a rachel from rachel. tonight, in addition, our first new show of 2013. my new year's resolution this year was to get a gym membership, use it twice and then never use it again and i'm already halfway there. they say only 8% of people who make resolutions actually keep them. i hate those people. why even make a resolution if you're going to keep did you make any resolutions this year, guillermo? >> no. >> jimmy: no. did you make a resolution last

year? >> yes. >> jimmy: what was the resolution last year? >> to lose weight. >> jimmy: how did that go? >> it didn't work. >> jimmy: all right, so that's good. he did what americans do. he gave up. [ applause ] last night, season -- i think 17 of "the bachelor" premiered on abc last night. the new bachelor is a guy named shawn. 48% of all bachelors are named shawn. shawn finished third last year on "the bachelorette." he's a born-again christian, which i assume means he won't be sleeping any of the women. so get ready for the least dramatic season of "the bachelorette" yet. let's take a look at shawn. here he is on the beach, so very alone on the beach. not too far away from shawn, there's a couple of extras pretending to be a bride and groom. but where's shawn now? where is he? shawn is alone. standing behind a rock. [ laughter ] but now shawn climbs that rock. and well, he doesn't even need a shirt. real bachelors don't need

shirts. shawn has quite a group of women to choose from this season. there's a lindsay, a lacy, a christie, a casey, two leslies and three ashleys. i don't know if these are potential brides or a line of bratz dolls. the most interesting of all the women is a young lady named sarah. sarah has a quality that no other bachelorette has ever had. >> i'm sarah, i'm 26 and i'm from los angeles. i work in advertising as a designer. i'm just an average girl who is just crazy about my career. hopefully the point of this is to stand out. there's one thing that's different about me and that's that i was born with one arm. >> jimmy: i don't know, to me it looks like one and a half arm, so don't be so negative. how is he going to vote her off? we should get sarah on the show. i would have pulled the mother of all pranks. i wouldn't have told anybody about the arm.

i would have just jumped out of the hot tub screaming shark! but i'm not. [ applause ] maybe i am. you know, one of the best parts about the first episode of t"th bachelor" every season, is the jobs. paige is a jumbotron operator. that's her real job. sadly she was eliminated so we will never get to her shawn say mom, dad, this is paige, she's a jumbotron operator, we're in love. last night while "the bachelor" was airing on abc, espn was airing the college football championship game. clarifying once and for all who wears the pants in every relationship in america. i was switching back and forth with a beer in one hand and a glass of chardonnay in the other. the game itself was a blowout. alabama won. regis lost. it was a tough loss for the fighting irish. if only irish people had some kind of tradition of drowning their sorrows in something, it

would have been so much easier. during the first quarter, the cameras found a.j. mccarron's girlfriend in the stands. brent musburger, the play by play announcer, went nuts. >> when you're a quarterback at alabama, you see that lovely lady there? that's a.j. mccarron's girlfriend. i'm telling you, you quarterbacks, you get all the good-looking women. >> jimmy: it's not just the way she looks, it's the way she carries herself. [ applause ] the woman, katherine webb, had about 2,000 followers on twitter. now she has almost 200,000 followers on twitter, proving again that men are horny. i issued a youtube challenge during halftime. i asked viewers to do something. i asked viewers to wait until the crucial moment of the game, go up to their tv, hug it, and not let go until everyone in the room was screaming at them, and then up load the video to youtube with the title "hey jimmy kimmel, i hugged my tv." unfortunately, there were no crucial moments in the game.

but that didn't stop about a thousand people from doing it anyway. we got some great videos. we spent the whole day going through them. here they are now. >> no, get the [ bleep ] out of the way! what the [ bleep ] are you doing? >> what are you doing? >> ian, come here? >> are you trying to piss me off? get out from in front of the tv! >> what are you doing? >> i'm hugging the tv. notre dame finally made a touchdown! whoo! >> [ bleep ]. >> get out of the way! get out of the way! >> did he catch it? >> you're lucky i didn't kick you in the [ bleep ].

>> we're going to be on "jimmy kimmel live"! >> son of a bitch! where's that camera? >> sorry, jimmy kimmel. i'd hug my tv if i could. it's just too big. >> jimmy: nicely done. thanks to everyone who participated. so we're going to take a quick break. we have a new format. but when we come back, we have a treat for you. we have about a dozen of your favorite celebrities reading very mean tweets people wrote about them aloud. we'll be back with that, and jennifer aniston and no doubt, too. so stick around. [ bass thudding ]

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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. you know, just a few months, twitter will turn six years old. in 2006, tweeting was something only birds did. now it is our number one way to insult celebrities. celebrities with twitter accounts -- and i know this because i have one -- get bombarded with sometimes hundreds of insults a day. so over the last few months, we've been asking some of our celebrity guests to sit down and read the mean things people tweet about them. this is the third time we've done this, and we call it "celebrities read mean tweets." >> selena gomez is on the radio right now, is there a volume lower than mute? sorry. >> i saw larry king at dinner. but it might have been just a run of the mill goblin. [ laughter ] >> dr. phil, why don't you shut

the [ bleep ] up, you bald headed big-mouthed hill billy. >> simon cowell, you, my friend, are an [ bleep ]. that's actually one of the nicest things anybody's ever said about me. i'm going to move on now, because i really am a [ bleep ]. >> my asian orthodontist says jessica biel has horse teeth. >> wow, david arquette got old. that's right, i did get old. it happens. >> kirstie alley is a dirty whore. there, i said it. thank you. >> [ bleep ] adam scott. >> tom arnold. you're an inspiration to all fat dumps who love cocaine and who love to [ bleep ] fat disgusting chicks. >> no one else finds hayden panettiere intolerable?

is that a question? >> i'm not being mean, but why does anderson cooper remind me of dinosaurs? >> [ bleep ]. eric stonestreet, why so awkward and yelly? i'm not awkward and yelly. >> christina applegate, you were better when you we're spandex instead of spanx, you old slut. >> you guys are like lennon and mccartney, only fatter and gayer. >> i thought this was supposed to be mean tweets. >> malcolm in the middle. more like mushy in the middle. lose some weight. i got a good chuckle over that one. i'm coming after you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we've got a great show for you tonight. no doubt is here. and we'll be right back with jennifer aniston, so stick around.

>> jimmy: hello, welcome back to our first show at 11:35. this is my new desk. ikea had a great sale. tonight on the show, we have one of the most popular bands in the world. this is their latest album, called "push and shove." the pride of anaheim, no doubt from the bud light outdoor stage. we've got a good show for you tomorrow night, too. ryan gosling will be here. and we'll have music from

brad paisley. and later this week, sofia vergara, dr. oz, blake griffin and chris paul from the l.a. clippers -- and two nights of music with bruno mars. that's how we do now at 11:35. that's how we do. and i know our first guest was waiting for us to move our show to 11:35, i would have done it sooner. she's here tonight not to promote anything, she is here out of love. please say hello to jennifer aniston. [ cheers and applause ] >> ready?

that was great! >> jimmy: what are you doing? why did you do that? [ cheers and applause ] you ruined -- uh -- >> hey, everybody! >> jimmy: keep this away from her. well, welcome. >> you're welcome! >> jimmy: why would you do this to my new desk? >> out with the old, in with the new. we're going on at 11:30. >> jimmy: but this was the new

desk. [ laughter ] >> i don't -- >> jimmy: i just got this desk this afternoon. >> wait, wait. i've never been here, so -- this is the new set? isn't this the last -- >> jimmy: this is the first show at 11:35. >> no. >> jimmy: yeah. >> oh, my god. oh, my god. i am so sorry. >> jimmy: well, just have a seat. >> jimmy! >> jimmy: i know. i'm pushing this over here. i guess we'll just use this. and this will be my new desk now. [ cheers and applause ] >> this is terrible. >> jimmy: yeah, this is bad. it was a mistake. >> jimmy, can i say not a very well-made desk?

>> jimmy: yeah. you'd think that one of our staff members seeing you with the sledgehammer would have said something before you came out. >> i know. >> jimmy: this makes no sense at all. >> it actually makes not a sense at all. >> jimmy: a little bit less than zero sense even. >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, what are you going to do? it's good to see you. i'm terribly sorry about this misunderstanding. >> that's okay. i'm mortified. i'll make it up to you. >> jimmy: i'll take that. we'll give that away to the audience. [ applause ] we'll pretend we're doing a talk show during world war ii. >> yeah. >> jimmy: normally, i would ask what you did over the holidays but i was fortunate enough to go on holiday with you. >> you were. >> jimmy: that was fun. thank you for inviting me. because i'll tell you something, i've been friends with your fiance justin for a while. if i lose you, i would eliminate all his friends right off the bat. i would not allow his friends to go on vacation. >> i talked to him into it.

>> jimmy: is that right? he didn't want us to come? >> he loved you. >> jimmy: was i good to vacation with? >> you were so good to vacation with. you're a lot of fun. >> jimmy: tell me about some of the things that are fun about me. [ laughter ] >> okay. well, that's actually a two-parter. >> jimmy: all right. >> the first part -- okay, jimmy is an amazing cook, all right? >> jimmy: thank you. you guys should applaud here. [ applause ] oh, thank you. >> amazing cook. and so one night, the night that you and justin decided to cook italian, and so -- which was so sweet. it was new year's day. and you went shopping with pepe, who is adorable. >> jimmy: don't get jealous, guillermo. he's just a guy i met in mexico. >> that's okay. >> jimmy: it's no threat to you at all. take it easy over there. he's not as cute as guillermo, let's be honest.

>> no, no, no. >> jimmy: he was pretty cute, though. >> yeah, he was pretty cute. and he had green eyes. >> jimmy: he did have green eyes. >> and you went shopping for all of the ingredients. he was gone for, like, i don't know, six, seven hours. we got terrified. we thought he was kidnapped. where did jimmy go, right? you came back at like 6:00 and everybody was just terrified. and then you ended up the next day -- because the sauce had to start cooking the night before. justin's did at least. the next day you guys cooked and cooked. and i think i made some cheesy trailer trashy ham and cream cheese. >> jimmy: it was good, though. >> and that was pretty fabulous. and then you had everybody -- the people that worked at the house all sat down at the table. it was very sweet. >> jimmy: i love that this whole interview is about me. this is the way i like it. this is the new thing for 11:35. >> here's my other jimmy story. the other thing i loved about you, of the many things that i do, is that the one day you and the boys, all of you boys were

secure enough in your masculinity to join the women on spa day. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> so the girls had massages, whilst the men were having manicures and pedicures. [ applause ] >> jimmy: what is this? >> that was an iphone photo that i took probably without you knowing. >> jimmy: oh! >> that's so sweet. and there are the other boys. >> jimmy: john and justin. >> look at those tattoos everywhere. and then there's you, all three of you with massages. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i had no idea you were taking these pictures. >> look how comfortable. you're just out. oh!

>> jimmy: stop. that's no good. >> no, that was great. that's jimmy on a boat. >> jimmy: i was sick on the boat. maybe i'm not that much fun. >> you were actually -- that's fun. >> jimmy: one of the great things about going on vacation with you is you don't have to pack a camera because so many nice people are so friendly and anxious to take pictures of you everywhere you go, whether you're laying out by the pool or following you into the bathroom. there are just so many gracious people. >> that's so sweet. >> jimmy: i've never seen anything like it, i have to say. i mean, people in boats parked outside your house shooting photographs of you into the house. it's crazy. >> it's crazy. it's insane. you saw how they disguise themselves. >> jimmy: yeah, as fishermen. >> they're fishing. and how about the one boat that had a wife and a baby. >> jimmy: that was weird. >> they're just a little sleazy. >> jimmy: and you realize the baby is suddenly a camera,

they're fishing and there's no bait at the end of the line. >> it's so sad. >> jimmy: they are just there with their cameras. and yet you don't let it bother you. >> what are you going to do? sitting there running inside the whole day. >> jimmy: i was worried i was going to have a nip slip. >> i hate to break it to you, you did have a nip slip. many. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break here. thank you for being our first guest. we'll be right back. they say opposites attract. but does that work for a car? ask scott makowski. he and his team set out to combine power and fuel efficiency. people said it wouldn't work out. people were wrong. here's proof. an ecoboost engine in the new ford escape with up to a best-in-class 33 mpg highway, and plenty of power to spare. it's the little engine that most definitely can. the all new twenty thirteen ford escape. it's what happens when you go further.

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oh, it's perfect. thank you so much, you guys. hey -- >> mom, could i go swimming? >> honey, please be a good boy, go upstairs and take a nap. >> i want to swim. >> listen, don't cry. if you are a good boy, i'm going to play hide and seek with you later. >> i don't want to hide. you always make me hide. i think you're ashamed of me. >> honey, that is not true! now, please before anybody sees you, would you get inside? and would you please take your little brother with you? come on, scoot. >> jimmy: that was jennifer aniston and her son jimmy. >> that was our first time working together. >> jimmy: i think that was the first time you ever saw my nipples. >> it's the first time, yeah. >> jimmy: is that when you decided you wanted to go on vacation with me? >> that's when i said i want to see more of this. >> jimmy: you told me that when you were a kid -- how old were you when you used to cut people's hair? >> oh.

i was in elementary school. >> jimmy: really? >> it was like seventh and eighth grade. >> jimmy: now i'm having second thoughts about this. >> why? >> jimmy: because i was going to ask you to cut my hair. i thought it would be fun. because i haven't cut my hair since like two weeks before the vacation. this is long for me, yeah. >> this is pre-holiday hair? >> jimmy: this is pre-holiday hair. >> it looks good, though. >> jimmy: do you think i need a trim? >> i can see you could take a little off the back. >> jimmy: i do have some tools here if you wanted to give it a shot. >> oh! [ applause ] >> jimmy: i have some water you could spray, if you wanted to spray it down. i've got scissors. i figure if it's a good haircut, that's great. if it's a disaster, it's funny for the next three weeks. >> it's been 30 years since my last haircut. >> jimmy: oh really? >> so let's go for it.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'll put this on. i'm not really exactly sure how to get this on. who was the last person you did this for, do you remember? >> my dad. and he was on -- still is. but was on a soap opera at the time. that should give you some confidence. >> jimmy: so you're kind of a professional in a way. what do you need? i've got water, i've got clippers. i've got all kinds of stuff. >> can i rebut on the you? >> jimmy: yeah, button me up. >> how do you usually like your hair? >> cut crazy. >> do you like it short on the sides and long on the top? >> jimmy: well, i'm pretty punk rock. i don't know, i like to look like a nerd. that's really what i usually look like. >> all right, so here we go. i'm just going wet you a little bit in the back here. >> jimmy: get it as wet as you want. i want it to be like a serious

haircut here. because then when people look at me and go what happened? i'll say jennifer aniston cut my hair. >> hey, dude. this was your idea. >> jimmy: you're right, it was my idea. but give it a shot. let's see how it goes. >> let's see how i can remember here. oh! okay. i guess there's a scissor in involved. >> jimmy: yeah, there's some scissors. >> here's what we're going to do. what's that? >> jimmy: this is a mirror. >> no, what's that? >> jimmy: this is a comb. if you don't know what a comb is, i don't know if this is a good idea. you want that comb? >> oh, i remember. i'm so nervous, i'm kind of shaking. >> it's perfect. just what you want in a haircutter. oh, this is great. it seems like you're really cutting a lot there, huh? 30 years since your last one. >> you see my hands are shaking because i'm kind of nervous? >> jimmy: why would your dad let

you cut yohis hair when you wera kid? >> because he loved me and he thought it was sweet that i was trying to start a career that earl early. he was trying to support me. >> jimmy: and yet you never turned out with that dream job at supercuts. >> you like it tight on the sides? >> jimmy: you're really cutting hair here. i fear that people think this is a joke of some kind. there's really some haircutting going on here. there's a lot of haircutting going on. [ laughter ] i did this as a prank to my cousin once. >> how did that go? >> jimmy: this is some kind of ka karma revenge. be careful with the back of my hair because i'm going bald. >> i see it. >> jimmy: how dare you? >> i didn't mean that. i meant -- [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: you're really cutting that hair. it looks like you're kind of doing a good job. >> i'm so doing a good job. i'm channelling -- oh [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: it's not a good sign for a customer to say oh [ bleep ] in the middle of a haircut. what happened back there? >> it was my finger. >> jimmy: oh, it was your finger? thank god. >> this is awful. >> jimmy: your finger will heal. my hair will probably not grow back. guillermo, next we'll trim that mustache up a little bit? >> no. >> jimmy: a little charlie chaplin? i don't want to rush you. >> you're almost out of time? >> jimmy: we have to take a break. why don't you continue cutting my hair through the break into no doubt, and when you're finished, you're finished. you know what i'm saying? >> all right. >> jimmy: so we're going to take a break here. when we come back, we have music from no doubt. and i'm getting a haircut.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series sponsored by bud light. what do we want to build next ?

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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series sponsored by bud light. to stream off-air performances and other music videos, go to jimmykimmellive.com. aerial coverage provided by good year. everything good year has learned making tires, inspires what they roll into yours. good year, more driven. get the new "jimmy kimmel live" app to see what you've been

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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series sponsored by bud light. >> jimmy: their new cd is called "push and shove." here with the title track, no doubt! ♪ you can work it you can work it give it to me straight when you smooth operate ♪ ♪ can you come out and play make my tic talk step up to the plate no underestimate ♪ ♪ no never play it safe no relax boy you're charming me not gonna fight it ♪ ♪ i'm your moll indeed not gonna hide it hustlin' you got me your turfs in my lane ♪ ♪ respect nobody bonnie and a clyde it

not gonna testify ♪ ♪ gotta me under oath big time baby you hustler hustler hustler ♪ ♪ gonna work for you all night go for whatever you want ♪ ♪ don't let anyone tell you that you can't baby you baby you get that take that ♪ ♪ i'm in the mood so make it last hustle nine to five you're gonna have to survive go hard go hard ♪ ♪ go hard go hard wanted dead or alive you work it hard boy you got me good ♪ ♪ how you push and shove ooh boy you're hustlin' me you work it hard ♪ ♪ boy you got me good how you push and shove you work it hard gonna survive some ♪

♪ ooh boy you're hustlin' me hustle nine till five cause mi haffe survive go hard ♪ ♪ harder than de hard drive take a ride with me if that's all right we'll shine so bright ♪ ♪ you work it hard boy you got me good how you push and shove ooh boy you're hustlin' me ♪ ♪ you work it hard boy you got me good how you push and shove ♪ anytime anyplace we blaze yeah ♪ ♪ you work it hard boy you got me good how you push and shove ooh boy you're hustlin' me ♪ ♪ you work it hard boy you got me good how you push and shove ooh boy you're hustlin' me ♪

you push and shove i take the bait ♪ you work it hard boy you got me good how you push and shove ooh boy you're hustlin' me ♪ ♪ you work it hard ooh boy you got me good baby you got the moves you're hustlin' me ♪ ♪ you work it hard

♪ take a ride with me if that's all right we'll shine so bright like the city lights ♪ ♪ when you're by my side stay by my side girl say ♪ let's ride if that what's you want have fun if that what's you want ♪ ♪ we could go wherever you want girl want girl bubble it if that what's you want ♪ ♪ have a drink if that what's you want you could have anything you want girl ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series sponsored by bud light.

>> jimmy: i want to thank jennifer aniston, not only for being a wonderful guest, but also for my haircut. i want to apologize to matt damon. we did run out of time for him. he will be rescheduled.

tomorrow night, ryan gosling, brad paisley. and this is their new album "push and shove." play us off the air. once again, no doubt. stay up for "nightline." ♪ ♪ the waves keep on crashing on me for some reason but your love keeps on coming like a thunderbolt ♪ ♪ come here a little closer 'cause i wanna see you baby real close up ♪

♪ you've got me feeling hella good so let's just keep on dancing ♪ ♪ you hold me like you should so i'm gonna keep on dancing ♪ ♪ a performance deserving of standing ovations and who would have thought it'd be the two of us ♪ ♪ so don't wake me if i'm dreaming 'cause i'm in the mood come on and give it up ♪ ♪ you've got me feeling hella good so let's just keep on dancing ♪

♪ you hold me like you should so i'm gonna keep on dancing ♪ ♪ you've got me feeling hella good so let's just keep on dancing ♪ ♪ you hold me like you should so i'm gonna keep on dancing ♪ ♪ ooh yeah yeah ooh yeah yeah ♪