i don't understand why they need a best actor and best actress category. you don't separate best director and best directress. next year they should have one award for acting. it's time somebody told the sound editors and makeup people that no one cares about them. we'll mail their oscars to them at home. last night, daniel day-lewis became the first three-time best actor winner. he has one oscar for each of his names. [ laughter ] if i was daniel day-lewis, my next project would be an adam sandler movie, just to throw everyone off. jennifer lawrence, not only did she win best actress, i think she won best celebrity overall. every time she was on camera last night, she was hilarious. she fell on her way up to accept the award and here's what she had to say about that. >> what was going through your mind when you fell down? >> what went through my mind when i fell down? a bad word that i can't say. that starts with f.

>> jimmy: that's a good answer. here she is talking to a french reporter on the red carpet and her version of the reporter's native tongue. >> jennifer lawrence giving an interview to a french journalist. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i guess we won't be seeing her in the sequel to "les mis." >> jimmy: the pope sent a final tweet saying may you always experience the joy from putting christ at the center of your lives. when he was not pope, he sent a bunch of unofficial tweets to mark his post-pope era. we thought it would be more fun to send a camera to the farmers market on fairfax. a lot of senior citizens hang out there. a lot of senior citizens hang out there. so we thought it would be more fun to have them read what we told them were tweets from the newly retired pope. >> i'm totally freaking out.

>> got offered "the bachelor." should i do it? >> can't decide, fish tacos or the chimmichanga. #what would jesus order. >> finished two orders on the -- two hours on the elliptical. what's up? >> your move, hoobastank. >> retweet if you like leviticus and chili cheese fries. they are good. >> "breaking bad"? more like breaking amaze balls. >> "downton abbey." never liked matthew anyway. hope he's roasting in held. >> just realized how close my name is to poop. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: on sunday, we had the academy awards across the street

from us. part of the reason the movie companies like to get nominated for these and win is because the week after the oscars, people go to the theaters tothem. it's like a big commercial telling everyone how great these movies are. they also try new marketing strategies, like ""zero dark thirty," for instance. some people chose not to see it after reading about the torture in the movie. for those people, after the oscars, they market it in a completely different way. >> mya was a workaholic career girl who couldn't find the mine of her dreams. >> you will never find him. >> but she never gave up hope. ♪ i need love love >> that he was out there. and even if he played hard to get. >> called from six different pay phones from two different cities never using the same phone twice. >> nothing could stop her from nabbing the one man she's been searching for. this spring on dvd and blu-ray, sometimes it's good to be a little bit bad. "zero dark flirty." sparks fly march 13th.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: fun, right? oakland raiders defensive tackle desmond bryant was arrested early saturday morning on a charge of criminal mischief after he got drunk and started trouble at his friend's house. that's not the interesting part. the interesting part is his mug shot. which is this. [ laughter ] he looks like an anaconda in the middle of digesting a rabbit. you're supposed to see cheese. if i were desmond bryant, i would intentionally get arrested again so i could we do the mugshot. this is not a dummy, he went to harvard. although i'm guessing they won't use that in their brochures. remember tebowing? i'd like to start a new one called dez'g. all you have to do is take a picture of yourself with your head tilted back, your mouth open, your eyes halfway closed

and your tongue halfway out of your mouth like a bullfrog. this is guillermo dez'g. this is gordon ramsay, our guest, dez'g. it's fun. so tweet a picture to me @jimmykimmel with the #dez'g. who knows, maybe we'll start a sensation. this could be our "gangnam style" together. morrissey is a vegan and a staunch animal rights activist. yesterday he put out a press release saying he couldn't "morally be on a television program where the cast members of duck dynasty will also be guests." he said "as far as my reputation is concerned, i can't take the risk of being on a show alongside people who in effect amount to animal serial killers." he said if jimmy cannot dump "duck dynasty", we must step away. while i respect his stance, there's a very good reason why i didn't dump the "duck dynasty" guys for morrissey. it's because they have guns.

[ laughter ] and morrissey doesn't. [ applause ] by the way, if morrissey is this serious about being associated with meat of any kind, he shouldn't do any television shows because i guarantee when he was on letterman last month, there had to be an outback steakhouse commercial in the mix, and that's not acceptable. so morrissey will not be here tonight. he keeps finding new ways to depress us. [ laughter ] and i'll say this. the "duck dynasty" guys, very nice guys, felt bad about this, too. they run a very successful business selling duck calls, but they also make products for people who are against shooting animals, too. >> for the vegan in your life, "duck dynasty" proudly presents carrot call. designed to mimic the call of the wild carrot. >> watch it there, watch it there. >> just blow into the carrot call and wait. those little suckers leap right out of the dirt and into your mouth.

buy two carrot calls and get uncle sized teacup broccoli trap absolutely free. >> you can have broccoli just like i do. >> carrot call. >> i love yuppie food! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i didn't know he would eat those. it's time for our weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> do you remember [ bleep ] me? >> many times. >> good luck tonight, i'm sure you're going to meet a lot of stars. >> [ bleep ] you. >> a slow start for the clippers turns into an all-out [ bleep ] fest against charlotte. >> now you've got the gop big shots running the little people around and the little people in the party [ bleep ] the big shots. it's quite a show. >> all the stuff you tried today at the market, it was incredible.

and [ bleep ] the monkeys, everything, i had so much fun. >> the person who [ bleep ] the most [ bleep ] will win a one-pound advantage. >> you guys need to stick around because we're going to show you thousand make the entree and the sandwich. it's going to be delicious. i'm going to go [ bleep ] a papaya. we'll be right back. >> careful. >> wow. >> anybody that makes fun of me, i'm like yeah, and then i got [ bleep ]ed by hugh jackman. >> ang lee, i [ bleep ] love him. [ applause ] >> dicky: up next, guillermo livens up the red carpet. >> have you been to the oscars before? >> no, this is my first time. >> dicky: still ahead, chef gordon ramsay and jim parsons. you're watching the best of "jimmy kimmel live." ♪ [ male announcer ] how do you engineer

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>> dicky: you're watching the best of the week on "jimmy kimmel live this week." >> jimmy: you were on the red carpet yesterday? >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: do you like doing that sort of thing? >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: you had a couple drinks while you were there? >> yes. >> jimmy: guillermo greeting the stars before the 85th annual academy awards. >> hi, it's me. i'm going to touch a lot of famous people. "jimmy kimmel live." how are you doing? can i ask you one question? all right. oh, man. michael douglas, how are you? how's everything? my name is guillermo from "jimmy

kimmel live". your name is -- >> i do not know. >> jimmy: how is your nam-- >> i'm going to give you a little snack. thank you very much. >> what are you wearing? >> mcqueen. on my feet? i don't know. >> can i rub your feet real quick? can i rub your feet real quick? all right. okay, go pee. she really had to go to the restroom. you did "life of pi." what's your favorite pi? >> my favorite pie. i would say apple. >> mine is chocolate pie. >> yeah, chocolate pie. >> you like doing movies? >> i do like doing movies. >> yeah? what happened to your ears?

>> you're funny. i was like oh no, you're good, you're good. >> hi. nice meeting you. >> where is guillermo from? >> i'm from mexico. i'm from "jimmy kimmel live." but originally from mexico. how is everything? >> everything's good. >> are you nervous? >> no. >> no, you're not nervous? no? do you want a shot of my expensive tequila? >> no, thank you. >> want a shot of my expensive tequila? >> i will take a shot of tequila with you. is this really good, expensive tequila? >> it has diamonds and everything. >> i think i recognize the bottle, though. >> cheers. >> thank you. appreciate it. >> it's good, eh? >> okay. >> you want to do a shot of my expensive tequila? >> no, i can't drink. >> no? >> no! i have to speak. i have to say things. >> it will relax you. >> no! >> are you sure? >> no bueno. >> all right, her loss, not

mine. >> i'm not going to consume that. but will you do a shot for me? >> i will do it for you. okay. >> i don't want to black out right now. >> i'll do it for you. >> okay, good. perfect. thanks, guillermo. >> smells good. >> all right, i drink for you. >> his pants just came off. >> should i trust you? whoa! >> how you feeling? >> i don't have any pain at all. i feel fantastic. >> drink another one. >> i feel like singing! have you been to the oscars before? >> no, this is my first time. >> are you excited? are you nominated for anything? >> no, i'm not nominated. i hope you don't kick me out. you want to do another shot? >> i'll have one more. >> all right. can i try this food? >> no, you cannot try.

jimmy told me you're too fat. >> no, i'm not too fat. >> you're on a diet. >> no, i want to try a little bit. >> all right, eat it, here. >> okay, look. in case you get hungry later on, i' i packed you a lunch. it's great. you're going to like it. >> don't eat all my food here. what's the matter with you? >> open this, that's a speech right there. >> take the bull by the horns. what if i slapped you? >> how is everything? >> good. you're getting gold all over me. >> no, no, it's all right. you like my jacket? >> i do like it. it's nice. i wouldn't wear it, but i do like it. >> i have to stop, your jacket is awesome. >> thank you very much. what are you wearing on your shoes? >> what are you wearing? >> i'm wearing target. >> target? those are good. >> are you going to kiss me? >> if you want to.

>> they're starting the act. are you in the show? >> no, i'm not in the show. >> you're not in the "les mis" -- that's not you? >> no. >> all right, cool. >> good luck, ben. wow, he was great. well, that's it from the oscars. we talked to a lot of stars and we drink a lot of tequila. bye! [ applause ] >> jimmy: beautiful job. >> dicky: still ahead, chef gordon ramsay, matthew fox, and up next, all over your table. >> jimmy: this makes no sense. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" this week are brought to you by applebee's two for 20 menu. hey! did you know that honey nut cheerios

has oats that can help lower cholesterol? and it tastes good? sure does! ♪ wow. [ buzz ] delicious, right? yeah. it's the honey, it makes it taste so... ♪ well, would you look at the time... what's the rush? bee happy. bee healthy.

with clusters of flakes and o's. oh, ho ho... it's the honey sweetness. i...i mean, you...love. is. >> dicky: you're watching the best of the week on "jimmy kimmel live this week." >> i just love working with channing. you say his name and it feels euphoric. >> jimmy: his name? >> yeah. channing tatum. it's like aloha, you know? it means hello and goodbye. just listen to that, channing tatum. [ cheers and applause ] listen to the ladies in here. [ cheers and applause ] such a great name.

and it means so many wonderful things. do you mind if i use the piano? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't mind if you use the piano at all. >> i hope you don't mind, we got a little crown royal. i wanted to do a song, and maybe we can put this on itunes. the song is like -- ♪ i see a pretty lady across the bar she smiles at me and gets right in my car and i know i wanna channing all over her tatum all over her tatum ♪ >> no, no, no. what does that mean? what does that mean?

that sounds dirty, man. we're on tv right now. >> it's not dirty at all. it's almost spiritual. it's clean. >> jimmy: it's not dirty, you say? >> not at all. can i go on? i think this is going to be dope. we get trinidad james to guest star. ♪ if you picking up a latte at the coffee shop and the lady puts whip cream all over top then you know she just channing'd all over your tatum ta-ta-ta-tatum ♪ >> jimmy: do another one. >> here's one more. ♪ when you're wearing blue jeans and you wanna wear shorts you grab yourself some scissors and now you got jorts then you know you wanna channing all over the tatum ♪ >> wait, wait, wait. hang on a second.

[ cheers and applause ] no, no! bad audience. i'm sorry, what does that mean even. you have jeans and now you have jorts. i don't know, you want to do what all over my tatum? >> jimmy: channing all over your tatum. you know what? i love it. it's so true, too. it's like -- can i try one? >> yes. five, six, seven. ♪ it's oscar night and i feel blessed i got magic mike and django as my guests i wanna channing all over your tatum ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> that's nice. >> jimmy: i got another one, too, i think. >> we should rock this. y'all want some more of this? go deep. five, six, seven, eight. >> jimmy: my mom worked hard to raise my right

she always kissed and hugged me very tight and now i i wanna channing all over her tatum ♪ >> whoa, whoa, whoa. come on, man. what are you doing? >> what are you doing? that's my mom, bro. >> jimmy: you said it was clean. >> that's my mom. you're going to channing all over your mom? >> no, i meant my mom. >> you don't wanna -- you don't wanna do that to your mother, ma'am. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i guess i didn't understand. i didn't mean to cause anybody any problems. >> i'm just saying you don't wanna tatum all over your momma. get out of here. >> you gotta get out of here. >> jimmy: this is my show. i don't know if i can go. >> you gotta go. >> jimmy: i'll stand in the corner here. >> can we finish? >> jimmy: the show is almost over. >> can we finish this song right here? [ cheers and applause ] i think we need to finish it the

right way. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ 'cause when jimmy kimmel tries to step to me you know what i wanna channing all over ♪ >> jimmy: this makes no sense. >> dicky: up next, chef gordon ramsay. >> i.d., insurance, [ bleep ], no i.d., no insurance. >> dicky: and later, the cast of "duck dynasty." portions of "jimmy kimmel live" this week are brought to you by applebee's two for 20 menu, an easy choice for everyone. and every day since, we've worked hard to keep it. bp has paid over twenty-three billion dollars to help people and businesses who were affected, and to cover cleanup costs. today, the beaches and gulf are open for everyone to enjoy -- and many areas are reporting their best tourism seasons in years. we've shared what we've learned with governments and across the industry so we can all produce energy more safely.

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[ male announcer ] new oscar mayer carving board pulled pork, get that delicious slow smoked taste without the hassle.

>> dicky: you're watching the best of the week. >> jimmy: please say hello to chef gordon ramsay. [ cheers and applause ] >> good to see you. good to be back, thank you. >> jimmy: it's good to have you back. the family's all right? >> growing, getting old. three girls is difficult now. >> jimmy: three girls. >> i'm absolutely crapping myself. >> jimmy: you have a boy, too, right? >> megan is 14. twins are 13. jack and holly. and matilda is 11. i was back home two weeks ago, trying to get back for sunday. couldn't make it. got there on monday.

jack said daddy, megan had a friend around yesterday. >> jimmy: uh-oh. >> what was her name? alex. but it wasn't a her. it was a guy. seriously, jack, get me his cell number now. so he sneaks upstairs to megan's room while she's downstairs helping mom cook dinner. comes down with it. two minutes before we start eating dinner, i'm on my cell. hi, alex, it's gordon. sorry i missed you yesterday, i've just landed, but it would be nice to see you. megan just spat her food out. >> jimmy: i cannot imagine you being the dad of a girlfriend. i mean, there's no worse choice. maybe hitler, i guess, would be worse. >> but here's where i feel really bad. >> jimmy: what did you do? >> megan ran to the phone to call him and asked him not to pick up his phone. unfortunately, he was just recovering from a rugby incident, as he ran towards the phone, he tripped and really damaged his thumb again, tore the ligament. so he's back in cast. >> jimmy: you injured him over

the phone? [ laughter ] >> i haven't even met him yet. can you imagine that poor guy? >> jimmy: this sounds like the story people tell when they wind up getting married. to me. >> honestly, that poor guy. i feel so bad. >> jimmy: i can see how bad you feel. >> that's one less hand that will be crawling all over you. [ laughter ] very, very tough. >> jimmy: so your daughter is 14, so she's not driving or anything yet. >> she turns 15 in may. says daddy, will you teach me how to drive? i said first of all, i passed my test the third time. i had a catastrophic upbringing. unfortunately i had my girlfriend's car, but i hadn't passed my test. i was working in this country house hotel around the corner from her house. it was late one night, i said look, i'll drive around the back streets. i finished work. 17 years of age. shot down the back roads. and there was this car coming towards me overtaking a freaking tractor. so i swerved, the tractor hit me, and the car went straight through the side of this

cottage. so as i woke up with this guy screaming at me, all of a sudden the police arrives. i.d., insurance, [ bleep ], no i.d., no insurance. >> jimmy: wow. >> worse, i hadn't even passed my test. now i had to explain to my girlfriend's father that i've smashed her new car that she bought from you and, by the way, i've got no insurance. so he gave me the biggest boot up the ass i had ever had in my entire life. >> jimmy: i bet he did. >> did you have to pay for the whole thing? >> we separated about three weeks after. >> jimmy: good idea. the original lindsay. >> i know. >> dicky: up next, matthew fox films in japan. >> she was on the imperial grounds, which has never been done before. >> jimmy: imperial grounds is what, a coffee company? >> dicky: jim parsons speaks french. and still ahead, the cast of "duck dynasty." >> jimmy: what do you guys think

about morrissey cancelled, he was supposed to be here. first of all, do you prefer his solo work? [ laughter ] >> dicky: coming up, more of our best on "jimmy kimmel live this week." >> jimmy: i'm jimmy kimmel here at applebee's with my pal guillermo. thank you for inviting me. >> no problem. i love coming to applebee's. the two for 20 menu, with the flavor of bourbon street, you get one appetizer and two entrees, like the new creamy cajun and steak shrimp. >> jimmy: wow, that was almost english. thank you, guillermo, this sounds great. let's eat. >> and best part is that you get the app and two entrees for just 20 bucks. >> jimmy: i heard that earlier. can we eat now? >> no, that is mine. >> jimmy: what is this? >> i'm eating my dinners. >> jimmy: they're both for you? >> i told you it was two forv d here? >> i don't like to eat alone.

the food is real good. >> jimmy: can i have some chicken? >> no, no, no. >> dicky: come tree applebee's two for 20 menu. one app and two entrees for just 20 bucks at applebee's. see you tomorrow. [ male announcer ] alan, come on, let's get to the food. folks are hungry. oh, of course. [ male announcer ] the new creamy cajun steak & shrimp. big easy meets big value on our famous 2 for $20 menu. see you tomorrow. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ up high! ok. don't you have any usefull apps on that thing?

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>> dicky: you're watching the best of the week on "jimmy kimmel live this week." >> jimmy: last time you were here, you said your daughter, who's a teenager, had just started watching "lost." >> yeah. >> jimmy: and did she finish it? >> no. >> jimmy: she did not. is she in progress? >> no, i think she's given up on it, actually. >> jimmy: she did? where did she give up? >> i think it -- i'm not sure about this, but i have a theory. i think it coincided with when harry stiles and what was the girl that he was dating. >> jimmy: how do i know? >> i know this stuff. taylor swift. yeah, she's got a big crush on harry stiles from one direction, my daughter does. i think around the time that those two broke up, my daughter stopped watching. >> jimmy: why? >> because she's a 15-year-old

girl. she was distracted. that was part of the "lost" thing, the mourning that harry stiles was going out with another girl. >> jimmy: wow. this movie, by the way, i really enjoyed the movie. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i thought it was terrific. i learned a lot of things that i didn't know about the time after world war ii. of course, i don't know really anything about history at all. >> i didn't either. >> jimmy: did you shoot it in japan? >> at the very end, we shot in japan. we had an opportunity to shoot on the imperial grounds, which has never been done before. but we shot the film mostly in new zealand. >> jimmy: imperial grounds is what, a coffee company? [ laughter ] it's delicious. it's the best japanese coffee. >> no, it is imperial grounds, where the emperor stays. >> jimmy: tommy lee jones seems like he doesn't like other people. is that the case? [ laughter ] >> he comes across that way a little bit. but no, i had an absolute blast

working with him. >> jimmy: you seem like you might be his kind of guy. maybe there might be a tiny window -- >> there was a window of opportunity there. >> jimmy: and you're in it. >> you know, we're both into the same kind of things. >> jimmy: like what? >> well, fly fishing. >> jimmy: there you go. >> he's into ranching. he's got this ranch in texas and he's, you know, doing alfalfa hay. >> jimmy: he grows alfalfa hay and sells it to other farmers? >> yeah. and he also has a lot of horses. >> jimmy: how much can you talk about that, though? i mean really? >> a lot actually. yeah, yeah. we spent a lot of time talking about it. >> jimmy: there's a video i want to ask you about. >> oh boy. >> jimmy: tell us what's going on here. because as i understand, this is a spanish talk show. >> yes. >> jimmy: you were on it. >> i've been on it a couple times. well, this is the talk show in spain. if you're going to promote a movie in spain. >> jimmy: and this is the show. what are those? >> look at me.

>> jimmy: you weren't excited to be there. are those ants? >> those are ants. [ laughter ] this was the first time that i was on it. the whole thing was pretty shocking to me, i must say. >> jimmy: what the hell is this? they attacked you with a dinosaur? >> the second time i did it, i had a lot of fun. the first time, it was just -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you look like you were really enjoying yourself. i heard something about you that i find very hard to believe even though i know it's true. that you're turning 40 in a few weeks. >> march 24th, i'll be 40. >> jimmy: you seem much younger than that. >> i feel young in many ways, i do. >> jimmy: i think the last time you were here, which wasn't very long ago, you said you were still getting carded. >> i did get carded for a long time. i quit everything that you get carded for. i don't smoke, i don't drink, i don't go to clubs. it's a boring life. but i don't know if it was because i looked young.

the more i think about that, the more i think anything you need to be carded for, i never had a lot of confidence going into the situation. i think it was more like the way i held myself. like he doesn't know what he's doing. something's wrong here. it must be because he's young. >> jimmy: it could be. you always have that friend who is elected to go into the 7 eleven. >> yes, you ask the man to buy his beer. >> jimmy: you were not that friend. >> i am not that friend. >> jimmy: are you going to do a big thing for your birthday? >> i will have a few people over. i'm going to have a few people over to my house. i'm going to fly in my mother for it. >> jimmy: your mom wants to be a part of it? >> aw. well, she's been there for 39 of them. [ laughter ] she's horrified about it. that's not the right word. but can you imagine a 40-year-old child? >> jimmy: it is strange. >> parents take on a lot of things about their kids as a reflection about them. that's ridiculous. age is not one of them. she old. you know? i love you, mom.

>> jimmy: the weirdest part is changing them when they get to 40. >> right. it's awkward. the breast-feeding. >> jimmy: are you having a midlife crisis or anything like that? >> i feel pretty good about turning 40. i was trying to think, have any of my behavior changed? the only weird -- it's not even that weird. the only different thing i've done lately is trying to learn a foreign language. i picked up rosetta stone french. and i do think it is some sort of recapturing -- a lot of times i'm looking at this french thing from college because i'm horrible at, and kids, you really do waste your life when you don't apply yourself, and i regret it now. no habla espanol. but i don't habla french very much either. bonjour. i want to visit france. i figured as long as i'm doing it i should dive in. i don't know. i just would like to -- you can feel part of your brain going, what? >> jimmy: learning kind of stops at a certain age. >> it feels like it.

the rosetta stone, they use like the immersion tactic. it can't really happen, because that would be like if you planted yourself there and everyone speaks french and you have to get along. but nothing is translated for you. they don't speak in english. it's all done with, they speak it, they show you the written french, they show you pictures to associate. you just have to make the connections. and i do feel like i've gotten too old -- i'm like i can't, i'm not a baby, this is not how i learn anymore. so i've had to supplement with it all kinds of work sheets. i really have verb work books and charts and everything. i sound like i should know something. i don't. >> jimmy: you really, really applied yourself for this. >> i am really applying. bonjour. >> jimmy: do you have a tutor or a class? >> what's funny is one of the best things, i think, if i would ever do it about rosetta stone is when you hit certain milestones -- it's like five dvds. >> jimmy: i bought one for italian. the box is so heavy that i put

flit the closet and that's that. >> the ear thing goes on. every time you log on, you have to go one, two, three, four, five. >> jimmy: i never even got that far. did not open the box. >> dicky: up next, tall tales with the cast of "duck dynasty." >> jimmy: the story about your shoes on fire because you were running so fast. >> that was when i was chased by wolves. ♪ ♪ if loving you is wrong ♪ i don't wanna be right [ record scratch ] what?! it's not bad for you. it just tastes that way. [ female announcer ] honey nut cheerios cereal -- heart-healthy, whole grain oats. you can't go wrong loving it. bee happy. bee healthy. with clusts of flakes and o's. oh, ho ho... it's the honey sweetness.

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'cause we shouldn't really help with your love life. yoplait. it is so good! >> dicky: you're watching the best of the week. >> jimmy: please welcome the robertsons, phil, si, willie, and jase. [ cheers and applause ] i feel like the drummer in zz top right now. [ laughter ] how you guys doing? welcome to los angeles. i know you've been here before. what do you make of los angeles, by the way? >> it be a jungle up in here. >> a concrete jungle.

>> plus a lot of wild animals, too. >> jimmy: yes, indeed, there certainly are. >> butt cracks. >> jimmy: our camera crew was so excited that you're here, that some of the guys we're camouflage and also brought duck calls along with them. are you meeting fans everywhere you go now? >> it is one of the most difficult ordeals i've ever seen in my life, getting from point a to point b anymore. >> jimmy: you're so recognizable and people want to take pictures of you. >> that's the deal, we can't hide behind glasses. that just makes it worse. >> we now understand what has spawned the charlie sheens of the world. >> jimmy: you do? [ applause ] si, do you enjoy being famous? >> no, not really. i can't even go out at night when it's dark. okay? they still recognize me.

>> jimmy: is facial hair like a tradition in your family? a longtime tradition? >> well, as it turns out, there are two kinds of people on planet earth who do not have beards. women and children. i am neither. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i might be both. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: part of the tradition with duck season is you guys abandon hygiene for a while. >> got to. oh yeah. >> jimmy: no bathing. >> no showers. don't wash the clothes. >> it takes the warmth out of your clothes when you continually wash them. it breaks down the warmth. >> jimmy: how do the women in your lives like that? >> they don't like it at all. >> jimmy: they don't like it. >> the first week is all right. we air dry them. we hang them out in the air. that kind of gets rid of some of the odor. >> you find a way around that [ bleep ] of not shaving and bathing. >> the problem comes in when you go to the bedroom and my lovely wife says hey, if you want any

action, you're going to have to break down and take a shower. >> jimmy: and so what do you do? >> i say okay. [ laughter ] >> exactly. he's like the rest of us, we take a shower. >> jimmy: is this just tradition, or does this actually help with the hunting? >> it's for warmth. you're sitting out there all day, the wind is blowing. >> jimmy: the filth gives you a nice coating? >> the filth, the beard, all of it. >> in freezing weather, the wind is blowing in your face, going up a river at 4:30 in the morning, trust me, you need the warmth. plus, okay, like you -- we'd have to rub face paint all over you. because you'd be like a pie plate. [ laughter ] >> you want to hear something scary? there are literally hundreds and hundreds of women that are e-mailing, giving their resume, they want to marry not me, not

willy, not jase. they want to marry si. >> jimmy: they want to marry you? that's great news. >> one of them's never showed up that's got enough money. >> jimmy: how much money? >> the sky's the limit on money. >> jimmy: i see. but you are open to some lady -- >> i'm just joking. i'm happily married. >> jimmy: you tell stories on the show, it seems like most of them are not true. >> no, see, that's what they all say. >> jimmy: yeah. >> all the stories i tell, they start out as 95% truth. [ laughter ] okay? and look, if you just tell the truth all the time, it gets kind of boring. so the last 5% of, i got to kick it up a notch. you know what i'm talking about? got to give the story a good bump. >> jimmy: the story about your shoes going on fire you were running so fast. >> look here, that was when i was chased by wolves.

>> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] >> and look. in louisiana -- look. if i'd had one of them stopwatches that coaches use, i would hold every running record from 40 yards to ten miles. >> jimmy: what do you guys think about morrissey -- he cancelled, he was supposed to be here. first of all, do you prefer his solo work? [ laughter ] >> look, i said oh, you talking about the lead singer of the doors, right? no, you idiot. i said that's what i thought it was. >> jimmy: that's jim morrison. close enough. >> and i'm saying hey, i didn't know the guy was a vegetarian. >> you know, a couple hundred years ago, give or take a few, we'd have ran that bunch out of here. one or two of them comes back, starts dictating policy on what we're going to eat. give me a break.

whoever the guy is, i don't know, if he wants to eat vegetables, no problem. we don't mind if somebody says y'all eat ducks? we're like uh, yeah. >> jimmy: ducks are really good to eat. >> but we don't hold it against him at all. whoever it is, we love him as our neighbor. we need a bible study with him, but other than that. >> jimmy: i think the show is really nice, because you guys -- well, you're very funny on the show. not funny in the way most reality shows are. actually funny. at the end, you have a nice meal with your family and everybody gets along. it's very nice. some beard hairs in the food. but other than that -- >> can only hope that an atheist has is if he not be there. that ain't much of a hope. >> jimmy: amen. that's that. we have a great lineup for you next week, from the los angeles lakers, kobe bryant. jessica simpson will be here. zach braff.