>> how many inches? >> i did not bring a ruler, but i can tell you just between looking at it, we're somewhere between four and five inches right here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: meanwhile, this is dirty, too. this comes from the local fox affiliate in milwaukee. they too were reporting on the snow. anchor lady annie state warmed things up with this. >> we're under a winter weather warning right now. here's a live look at the fox six snow stick. this is out on the weather dick -- deck. >> jimmy: yeah, i wonder why that word would pop into her head? never think of that phallic looking pvc pipe. a councilman from the city of washington, pennsylvania -- there's a city in pennsylvania

called washington. the guy pulled a good one, he's testing the city's transit alert system. this is a system that sends important traffic updates to anyone who signs up for it. and somehow, he accidentally sent this e-mail to everyone in town. alert: this is a test. bryan is gay. so the city gaydar system -- but the best part is when he was confronted about it by the mayor, he claimed he meant his friend bryan was happy. which is a great excuse if you're in the fourth grade. [ laughter ] he even released a statement criticizing the mayor. he said it's offensive and unprofessional for the mayor to automatically assume one definition of the word when there are multiple definitions. [ laughter ] nice try. this guy sounds like a real dumbbell. and by that, i mean he sounds like someone you could use for

strength training. not offensive. [ laughter ] a lot of people don't believe the councilman's excuse, and by a lot of people, i mean no one believes if councilman's excuse. i don't know why he doesn't just admit that it was a dopey mistake, but he won't. and his spokesman today didn't help things. >> the councilman works very hard to make sure they're gay with the job he's doing, so naturally he was very ungay to learn he had upset so many of his con -- con stitch wants. at this time, i'm gay to take any questions. you, the homosexual in front. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a weird way to put things. in canadian college football -- did you know there is canadian college football? well, there is. there's a former wide receiver for acadia university, he's been posting workout videos on

youtube in the hopes of getting signed by a professional team. this is one of those videos. the kid is doing a footwork drill with some help from a buddy who's a long snap foreign minister the edmonton eskimos. here's how that went. i feel like he deserved that. let's watch that again. i don't know what the point of this is, but judge bruno still gave him a nine for his cha-cha. in american football news, philadelphia eagles quarterback michael vick was spotted where some people would least expect to see him, at a petsmart in new jersey taking dog training classes. you work at a petsmart and michael vick walked in, you'd think you're on a hidden camera prank show, right? someone snapped this photo of

michael of a trainer there. they blurred the trainer's face out. look at this. this is a picture from inside the class. not only do they blur the person's faces, they blurred the dog's face out, too. just in case he doesn't want to be associated with michael vick. apparently, michael vick is a third of the way through a six-week training course. should he be allowed to own another dog? maybe start him with a rumba to see how that goes first. when michael vick walks into a petsmart, all the dogs are like hey, maybe you'd like a cat this time. [ laughter ] clean themselves, really great. the tsa made an announcement yesterday that should affect all air travelers. starting april 25th, passengers will be allowed to carry small pocket knives, golf clubs, ski poles, pool cues, hockey sticks and wiffle ball bats. but a four-ounce bottle of finesse, still out of the

question. i am so stick of having to check my whiffle bat. there's nothing i like better on a red eye flight than a good whiffle ball game. they're trying to eliminate frequently confiscated objects from their banned items list that don't pose any real security threat. i'm not sure that a golf club doesn't pose a security threat. seems like tiger woods's ex-wife gave us some pretty strong evidence -- [ cheers and applause ] i still think the safest thing we can do is have ninja flight attendants, but nobody listens to me. if you're visiting washington, d.c. soon and you're hoping to take a tour of the white house, you might be disappointed. the white house announced that starting this weekend, they're cancelling all tours for the foreseeable future because of sequester-related budget cuts. which is really going to cut into joe biden's balloon animal business. he had a prime spot. get them right before the gift shop. apparently the budget cuts are forcing cutbacks to secret

service, which means they don't have enough security to let people in. so i guess until the sequester is over, you will just have to imagine all the places where president clinton had sex. [ laughter ] lawmakers -- too soon or too late? too late? [ laughter ] in hawaii, they just passed something in hawaii called the steven tyler act. the steven tyler act is a sweeping piece of legislation that says you must wear a scarf from chicos at all time. [ laughter ] actually, it's designed to protect celebrities from paparazzi by making it illegal to take unwanted pictures or video of them in private to sell for profit. no offense, but isn't every photo of steven tyler an unwanted photo? the bill is named after steven because he and his girlfriend were secretly photographed while they were on vacation in maui last year. but doesn't the steven tyler act sound like something we would create to protect ourselves from steven tyler? [ laughter ] one day those dream catcher earrings he wears are going to

put somebody's eye out. at the vatican this week, the world's cardinals are meeting to prepare for the conclave that will choose the new pope. they say we could have a new pope sometime next week. the rumor is they already have a candidate selected and they're just waiting on the results of the urine test to come back. right now the favorite -- you can gamble on this stuff and there are betting -- there are lines. the favorite seems to be cardinal peter turksen from ghana. the favorite after that is italian arch bishop angelo scola. i try to imagine which one would look best air brushed on the side of a minivan. that's how i pick my pope. i was thinking about this. being hope is actually a pretty cool job. you get a big house, you get a butler, you get a car named after you. it's a lot like being batman. [ laughter ] some people are following this selection process very closely, but most people aren't following it at all. so we thought it would be fun to go out on to hollywood boulevard to ask people what they think of the new pope. keep in mind we do not have a

new pope. so none of these people could possibly have anything to say about him. but as we have proven time and time again, when faced with a video camera, people are completely full of crap. so here is tonight's edition of lie witness news. >> what do you think about the new pope? >> the new pope, he's doing an awesome job. i think he's like somewhere in his like mid 70s. he's a really cool guy. i really would love to go to italy and meet him. >> what do you think about the new pope? >> he's a little awkward. >> why do you say that? >> i don't know, he just is. >> what do you think about the new pope? >> i think the new pope is amazing. he's from new york. i think it's great that he's our new pope and i think pope benedict xvi did a wonderful job as well. >> where were you when you found out about him? >> actually, i was on facebook.

one of my church friends posted about it on facebook. >> did you see the interview with the pope's ex-wife? >> yeah. >> what did you think of that? >> she was hilarious. she was funny. >> does it bother you that he's jewish? >> i don't know, it's fine, i guess. because, you know, i don't think a pope should stay one religion. [ laughter ] >> why do you think they chose a teenage pope? >> i guess they want a new change, maybe have the teenagers to get into the religion as well, since now, like, preteens and teens are not into it. maybe a new trend they're doing. >> what's his name? >> pope -- the new pope? >> pope the new pope. >> yeah. >> anything you'd like to tell the new pope? >> well, i'd like to tell you you're doing an amazing job. i think you'll be great.

and go you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we need to go us, too. when we come back, my cousin sal wreaks havoc working at a temp agency. jessica simpson is here. jim jefferies is here, and we have music from luke bryan. so come back. [ male announcer ] it's surprising what your mouth goes through in a day. but what's even more surprising is that brushing alone isn't enough to keep it clean. fortunately, you've got listerine®. unlike brushing which misses 75% of your mouth, listerine® cleans virtually your entire mouth. so what are you waiting for? it's time to take your mouth to a whole new level of health. listerine®... power to your mouth™. and take the listerine® 21 day challenge. feel the difference, or your money back.

♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] get sweep. and get email that keeps your inbox in order, automatically. ♪ [ female announcer ] come alive with the refreshing taste of lipton iced tea. feel the taste. i'm still claritin clear !

i've been claritin clear for 12 days ! when your allergies start, doctors recommend taking one clinically-proven claritin every day during your allergy season for continuous relief. 18 days ! 17 days ! i'm still claritin clear ! 22 days of continuous relief. live claritin clear. every day. take the claritin clear challenge: get continuous, non-drowsy allergy relief or your money back. go to claritinchallenge.com for details. people have been daring them to clean up tough messes. [ phone ding! ] another dare. they're proving that viva doesn't play by the rules. dunk it again for the close-up. my fans think a paper towel can't handle this. ♪ that is tough when wet. at least the fame hasn't gone to their heads.

[ peggy ] grab viva and break the rules on all your tough messes. the camera loves your mom. she's a natural.

an) 3 days of walking the camera loves your mom. to give a breast cancer survivor a lifetime-- that's definitely a fair trade. it was such a beautiful experience. (jessica lee) ♪ and it's beautiful (woman) why walk 60 miles in the boldest breast cancer event in history? because your efforts help komen serve millions of women and men facing breast cancer every year. visit the3day.org to register or to request more information today. it was 3 days of pure joy. ♪ and it's beautiful welcome back. if you're at all familiar with my cousin sal, he is my real cousin. his number one goal in life is

to help others. his number two goal is to not help others. he set up a temp agency to interview some people we're looking for. these people did get real interviews with a real temp agency. but before that they got to spend some time with cousin sal. >> this is robert. >> hi. >> how are you, robert? >> getting rid of the gum. how you doing? sit on down. >> thank you. >> you're a marine? >> yes, sir. >> search and rescue specialist. >> yes. >> so you find a lot of things. >> navy personnel that's out there getting lost. >> oh yeah, the navy screws up, the navy pi-- marines pick it u? >> absolutely. >> i was in the navy. sort of take offense to that. true or false, you have some nerve. >> that's true. >> good. good answer. if they did a movie on your

life, who would they play you? >> i would say tony montana. >> oh yeah? do something from scarface. >> okay. say hello to my little friend. [ laughter ] >> one second there. last guy was a real dirt bag. >> i understand. >> how you doing. robert? nice to see you. all right. so. what can you tell me about roberto? >> well, sir, i'm former military, so i mean -- >> who is, roberto? >> roberto, yes. he's not lazy. he will get the job done.

>> roberto will get the job done? >> yes. if he doesn't know specifics, he will ask and figure out what the specifics are. >> roberto will. >> roberto will. >> does roberto have $20 i can borrow for lunch? >> roberto has to go to the atm and get you those $20. >> what is roberto's favorite atm passcode? >> 1987. >> 1987. is roberto willing to sell salvia over the phone to kids? >> roberto doesn't even know what salvia is. >> hi. >> i'm sorry. listen, you knew when you quit that job at united chemical, there were going to be some risks. if you're coughing up blood, it's not my fault. go to the doctors. then quit then. hold on. i have a client here. sorry. crazy people.

all day. you want to work with chemicals? because there's an opening. >> i'm fine. >> any special skills? >> special skills. i'm good with time management. >> can you do any accents? like a british accent? >> no, sir. the only language i can speak is english. >> english is a good one. speak of old english, i could use a drink. >> i don't drink. >> becky, bring us a drink, will you? you answered phones. that's good. thank you. so you don't mind, do you? whoo! whoa. i don't drink anymore. i don't drink any less either. >> okay. sir, i'm going to have to discontinue this interview.

thank you. >> i need a drink! we were doing so well. >> all right. thank you. i have to go. >> so -- oh, come on in. tell me about yourself. >> [ bleep ]. >> good night. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good job, guillermo. tonight on the program, jim jefferies is here. we have music from luke bryan and we'll be right back with jessica simpson. ♪

♪ ♪ go olive garden! bring your appetite. bring someone who shares your appetite. for our 2 for $25 italian dinner. start with unlimited soup or salad. then choose an appetizer to share. now for the main course, choose 2 of 5 new creations, like new tuscan garlic chicken. or our new hand-rolled sicilian seafood lasagna. three courses, two people, just $25. go olive garden! and try our new lighter fare menu. five delicious choices under 575 calories. [ sneezing ] she may be muddling through allergies. try zyrtec®. powerful allergy relief for adults and kids six years and older.

zyrtec®. love the air.

and kids s♪ years and older. ♪ if loving you is wrong ♪ i don't wanna be right [ record scratch ] what?! it's not bad for you. it just tastes that way. [ female announcer ] honey nut cheerios cereal -- heart-healthy, whole grain oats. you can't go wrong loving it. bee happy. bee healthy. with clusts of flakes and o's. oh, ho ho... it's the honey sweetness. i...i mean, you...love.

>> jimmy: tonight on the program, a funny guy who has a new show called "legit" on fx -- jim jefferies is here. he's australian. and then, with music from this new album, "spring break: here to party," luke bryan from the sony stage. he's here to party. tomorrow night, kobe bryant will be here, dominic monaghan will be here and we'll have music from rival sons. so watch us then, too. our first guest is a platinum-selling recording artist, actress, reality show pioneer and one of tv's seven most popular simpsons. you can see her play celebrity

mentor on the second season of "fashion star," premiering this friday night on nbc. please welcome jessica simpson. [ cheers and applause ] how are you? >> i'm good. i am so happy to be back here. >> jimmy: you were here a year ago. at that time you were pregnant. >> i know. >> jimmy: it's time to have this baby already. [ laughter ] >> i know, right? i can't believe that i'm pregnant again. >> jimmy: that was very quick. >> it's like i'm here promoting fashion star all over again. >> jimmy: maybe i'm the one making you pregnant. [ laughter ] is that possible? >> it can't be. >> jimmy: how are you feeling this time around? >> oh. oh, my gosh. it's a total different pregnancy. i just feel awful. >> jimmy: it's worse? >> yeah. i've been vomiting and --

>> jimmy: oh. >> yeah. the crazy thing is i never knew that a weiner could actually make me nauseous. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what did you intend to say there? >> well, i guess i just told the world that i'm having a boy. >> jimmy: oh! i didn't even know what was happening! [ laughter ] i thought maybe you were having a girl with a penis, i don't know. well, congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: do you know what you're going to name the boy? >> i'm sweating now. >> jimmy: the last time you were here, there was a tabloid magazine that you were going to name your baby daughter maxwell, and then sure enough you did name your baby maxwell. >> i did. >> jimmy: now there's a report that says you're going to name your baby ace. >> well, let's hope it's a boy. >> jimmy: well, maxwell could

have been a girl or a boy. >> true. could ace be a girl? i think i just outed that i'm having a boy. i can't believe i did that. >> jimmy: does your family know you're having a boy? >> yes. >> jimmy: that's good. >> and all of my friends. i mean, it was kind of out and about in the press that i was having a boy. i was like how do people know these things? >> jimmy: yeah, how did people find out that you were going to name your daughter maxwell? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: do you do like an investigation within your community of friends? because there are only so many people you tell this to, right? >> and i don't ever think that a lot of the stuff that people say is malicious in any way. but maybe i have some friends with some big mouths, i don't know. >> jimmy: maybe one of your friends went to get something personal -- >> i don't think they're like calling up people. but maybe they tell their parents and their parents are talking about it at the grocery store. >> jimmy: you need new friends is what it is. your friends have loose lips. your best friend is pregnant also at this time.

>> she is. casey is my bestest friend in the world and she is pregnant with me. >> jimmy: did you order her to get pregnant or how did that work? [ laughter ] did you guys decide this would be a great thing if we were both pregnant together? >> well, it's definitely something that we would have loved to have happened because we want our babies to be best friends because we are. >> jimmy: of course. >> so now we're going to, like, force them to go to school together. force them to eat sandwiches together. >> jimmy: that never really works out, does it? >> hopefully it works out. i mean, we would be heartbroken. >> jimmy: i know. that's probably why it doesn't work out is because you put so much pressure on them to eat sandwiches together. [ laughter ] and they're like i don't want to eat sandwiches together. we want to eat sandwiches with other friends. maybe tell them never to speak to each other. that's probably the way to go. >> that's more alluring, though. >> jimmy: you're not married yet, right? >> i am not. >> jimmy: are you planning to get married soon? >> i keep planning on getting

married but i keep getting knocked up, so -- [ laughter ] it's just one of those things. maybe i should go back to when i was younger, i was a virgin before i was married, so maybe i should just completely reverse and just stop having sex altogether until eric and i actually say i do. >> jimmy: you do have it all backwards completely. your dad is a minister -- is your dad still a minister? >> once ordained, always ordained. >> jimmy: so does he get upset, the fact that you're not married yet and you're having babies? >> the first time i got pregnant, last year, he -- when i told him that i was pregnant, he said well what are we going to do? and i went what do you mean? you're a minister. what do you mean what are we going to do? i'm going to have the baby. but i think that was his first -- >> jimmy: he was stunned. >> yeah, i think it was more like what aim going to do? >> jimmy: and the second time, he was like what did you do again? >> i think that he was more like oh, honey.

>> jimmy: will you continue to have a baby every eight months? >> no, i would really like to stop being pregnant. >> jimmy: you would like to stop being pregnant. how are you going to do that, though? there's really no way to do that. there are a couple ways to do that. >> there are some ways. go back to the old school chastity belt. >> jimmy: will two kids be it for you? >> um, so far, yeah. i really don't want to be pregnant again because this pregnancy is really rocking my world right now. >> jimmy: but you know how that works. you forget about it once it's over. >> i forget about everything. >> jimmy: cute baby. do you have that pregnancy brain thing? >> yeah. i had it latst time when i was n the show with you. in mid sentence, i just forgot what i was talking about. >> jimmy: although you used to do that on the reality show also. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> very true. >> jimmy: we're going to take a quick break. when we come back, we're going to talk about your television show "fashion star" which

premieres on friday night. jessica simpson is here. she's having a boy. between..." "...appearance, and reality." "where things that are broken..." "...become whole again." "i tell people..." "...the best magic doesn't..." "...trick you." "it makes you believe." "believing." "...it..." "matters." "the all-new detachable hp..." "envy x2. all notebook, all tablet..." "...all you need. available at hp.com and these fine retailers." you ready? [ female announcer ] second kid by their second kid, every mom is an expert and more likely to choose luvs. after thousands of diaper changes,

they know what works. luvs lock away wetness better than huggies for a fraction of the cost live, learn, & get luvs. yeessss? where you hidin' your moist wipes? oh, i don't need 'em. really?

what are you doing? oh, just getting clean with no water. kinda like using t.p. with no moist wipes. hmm. point taken. thank you. [ female announcer ] nothing leaves you feeling cleaner and fresher than the cottonelle care routine -- now with a touch of cotton. test your cleaning logic at cottonelle.com. now with a touch of cotton. the people of bp made a commitment to the gulf., and every day since, we've worked hard to keep it. today, the beaches and gulf are open for everyone to enjoy. we've shared what we've learned, so we can all produce energy more safely. bp's also committed to america. we support nearly two-hundred-fifty thousand jobs and invest more here than anywhere else. we're working to fuel america for generations to come. our commitment has never been stronger. [ male announcer ] start with nothing, build a ground-breaking car. good. now build a time machine. go here,

find someone who can build a futuristic dash board display. bring future guy back. watch him build a tft display like nothing you've ever seen. get him to explain exactly what that is. the thin film transistor display... [ male announcer ] mmm, maybe not. just show it. customize the dash, give it park assist. the fuel efficiency flower thing. send future guy home, his work here is done. destroy time machine. win some awards, send in brady. that's how you do it. easy. my name is sunshine and i have three beautiful girls. i like taking advil® for a headache. it nips it in the bud. and i can be that mommy that i want to be. ♪ [ male announcer ] take action. take advil®.

>> jimmy: we're back with jessica simpson and child. which we learned is going to be a boy. now your boyfriend --

>> i just did it so crude, too. i feel awful. >> jimmy: oh no, it's going to be awful. >> talking about weiners. >> jimmy: when he graduates high school, and you put together that video of his life, i want you to start it with that moment right there. [ laughter ] where you announced that he had a weiner on television. now, this show that you are a part of, you're one of the celebrity judges and mentors on the show, right? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: so it's you, john varvados and nicole richie. does nicole richie have a clothing line? >> she does. >> jimmy: so you're creating your own competition. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: which is not a good idea. >> well, i'm pretty confident in my brand and i feel like i know what women in america want to buy. so i feel like i have a lot to offer these contestants who are coming in every week and trying to design for the everyday

woman. >> jimmy: this dress you're wearing is one of your own creations. >> it is. it's my new maternity line, destination maternity. [ applause ] it's jessica simpson for destination maternity. and the good thing is that when you're pregnant, you can feel sexy. you don't have to have all these frumpy clothes. >> jimmy: wouldn't a better name be -- accidental pregnancy. maybe i can get involved in this thing. [ laughter ] >> that's good. >> jimmy: so these designers that you work with, do you share your knowledge with them? do you give them your opinions? >> yeah, absolutely. i'll tell them where i think the gathering needs to be, what colors pregnant women like to wear. >> jimmy: is there a -- what colors do pregnant women like to wear? >> well, i feel like everybody -- even when you're pregnant, you want to be on trend. so whatever colors are trending for the spring, which are a lot of bright colors right now. >> jimmy: are there certain colors that are more slimming or something? >> well, black is always --

that's why i'm wearing it. that's why i'm wearing it. people like to talk about my weight. >> jimmy: yeah, i know, that must be a pain. but you are pregnant, so i would think hopefully people would give you a little bit of a break. >> yeah, this time i'm not going to, you know, gain as much weight. >> jimmy: you know what would be a fun thing? find out how many pounds you could gain. like gain 500 pounds. >> i think i did that in the first pregnancy. >> jimmy: really shock the life out of people. >> i didn't know i could pack on that many pounds that quick. when i was on your show last, i told you it was a lot of water. somehow i thought a lot of water was going to come out when maxwell came out. but no, that was layers of fat. [ laughter ] i had to work off all those brownies i ate. >> jimmy: yeah, that's no fun at all. well, enjoy this pregnancy. although it sounds like you're vomiting a lot, so that's good. >> yeah, that's good. that's the one perk. >> jimmy: well, congratulations. i hope it goes great again. and congratulations on your boy. [ cheers and applause ]

the show is called "fashion star." it premieres friday night at 8:00 on nbc. we'll be right back with jim jefferies. >> dicky: get the new "jimmy kimmel live" app and see what you've been missing. search jimmy kimmel in the itunes app store or go to jklapps.com to get it now. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] get sweep. and get email that keeps your inbox in order, automatically. oh. where were you? uh, i was just in the car. come here. okay. [ inhales deeply ] mint. i had a shamrock shake. i hate you. and i got one for you, too.

i love you. [ male announcer ] mccafé shamrock shake from mcdonald's. ♪ some brokerage firms are. but way too many aren't. why? because selling their funds makes them more money. which makes you wonder -- isn't that a conflict? search "proprietary mutual funds." yikes! then go to e-trade. we've got over 8,000 mutual funds, and not one of them has our name on it. we're in the business of finding the right investments for you. e-trade. less for us. more for you. the fund's prospectus contains its investment objectives, risks, charges, expenses, and other important information

and should be read and considered carefully before investing. for a current prospectus, visit etrade.com/mutualfunds. so you can do more. ♪ ♪ only degree has motionsense activated by your movement, the more you move the more it protects.

♪ do more. ♪ degree. it won't let you down. until we discovered k-y yours & mine. this one feels amazing for me, this one is fantastic for her. yeah. and when they combine it opens up a whole new door for us. i've come to clean your pool. what pool? [ female announcer ] k-y yours & mine. keep life sexy. [ kids ] yes! it's better to be fast to not be bitten by a werewolf and then you'll be turned into one and you will have to stay in and then you'll have to get shaved because you will be too hot and then you're like... [ growling ] which means i wish i was back to a human. what? [ male announcer ] it's not complicated. faster is better.

and at&t is the nation's fastest 4g lte network for your iphone 5. ♪

who's the most buzzed about host at 11:30? >> i feel like you came between us a little bit with all the kids you keep having. >> watch tonight. >> jimmy: i'm the new kardashian boy. >> because everyone will be talking about it tomorrow. >> wow. >> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny comedian named jim

who plays a very funny comedian named jim on his new show, called "legit." watch it thursday nights at 10:30 on fx. please say hello to jim jefferies. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's good to have you here. jessica simpson backstage. >> i haven't met her yet. our dressing rooms are next to each other and i was hanging out in front of her dressing room. because i've got a new baby. they're all new, babies, right? i've got a 4-month-old baby. i was hoping to get a photo of my baby with jessica, and then maybe just running away. because i know she likes babies. she might keep it. you know i mean? i know it will have a better life with her. or just swapping it with one of her babies because i know that will be a better-looking baby.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: what is your baby's name? >> my baby's named hank. >> jimmy: you have a baby named hank? >> i thought moving to america, going to call it hank. real man's name. hank's a guy with big genitals who can fix things. >> jimmy: yeah. >> that's all you want to do in life, right? >> jimmy: your show is based on your life as an australian comedian who comes to los angeles and before you had the son. >> actually, my girlfriend was in the pilot and i knocked her up. so that was all based on that, yeah. it's based on me -- based on a friend of mine in australia who still has muscular dystrophy and i took him to a brothel many years ago and we made that into a show. >> jimmy: you did? >> it was like his dying wish. he's not dead yet. every time i go back to australia i take him back.

>> jimmy: what is his name? do you say? >> i don't say his name. his real name's dan. but we wanted to cast an actual person with muscular dystrophy. we wanted deejay qualls. he already looks disabled. there's very little effort put in to it. you just put him in a chair and off he goes. but we wanted to cast an actual disabled person, because i wanted it to seem authentic and give someone the opportunity of being in a sitcom that ordinarily wouldn't. so the union said -- the acting union said we can have someone with muscular dystrophy, they only have to work two hours of day. they need to be massaged. so we decided we couldn't do that. so we opened our search out to anyone who looked too disabled to get themselves to a brothel by themselves. >> jimmy: okay. that was in the casting

breakdown? >> we saw a big mix of people, jimmy. >> jimmy: how many people did you see? >> we saw about ten, but have you ever told a terminally ill person that they're not funny? it hurts your soul. >> jimmy: you can let them just leave. you pretend they were okay. >> so we had this one bloke coming in. i worked a little bit with disabled people before. he was the most disabled person i had ever seen. he was shaped like a pretzel. he was really disabled. and he was carried in by like this russian nurse. and she put him down. the russian nurse was a big woman, she looked really angry at me. i was like i'm so sorry for bothering you. he read his lines, he knew every line. he was hysterical. and i helped him out and i come back in to the director. i say that's the guy we're casting, i don't care who else we see. that's the guy. the next bloke wheeled himself in. obviously he's a paraplegic. i know they can get themselves to brothels, but we figured if he's a good enough actor, he can

act like a quadriplegic. it's half the job. so i shake his hand, right? and his leg slightly kicks out. i went whoa! what's going on there, kicky? and then he goes i'm not disabled. i just rented a wheelchair because i really wanted the role. a scumbag, right? so i kick him out of the room. >> jimmy: wow. >> so the next day, me and the director were looking at all the head shots of all the different actors we wanted to use. and he looks really like poised in his photo. i think this must be the fastest shadow shutter on any camera ever. and then i start reading his biography, right? and i know this guy! he's been in several movies. he's not disabled either! >> jimmy: really? >> i hated the other guy for renting a wheelchair. this guy rented a nurse.

>> jimmy: you have to admire the effort, i will say. >> but you know these actors. you talk to these idiots all the time, right? getting into method days before. i'm all for method acting. but once the audition's over, stand up and go tada! but i'll tell you what you don't do. >> jimmy: what? >> don't make me carry you to your car. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is a good tip to young actors. >> i was very ticked off when i put him in the driver's seat. >> jimmy: is your family excited? are they aware of what's going on? >> my mother -- no. >> jimmy: do they know fx? >> i did an hbo special so many years ago, my mother went oh that's a shame, cable. because in australia, cable tv isn't like it is over here. it's just reruns of "friends." and then i get the fx thing, she goes is it cable again? i went yeah, yeah. and i said i'm on "jimmy kimmel"

tonight, mom. she goes we don't get that in australia. we get some of the other ones. we don't get him. >> jimmy: so she is not what you might call enthusiastic. >> no, she thinks i'm nothing because i'm not on australian shows. >> jimmy: you should bring her over here and show her the set. >> i can't bring them over, my mother is morbidly obese. she can't get on a plane anymore. which is a blessing. [ laughter ] i'll tell you how fat my mother is, and this isn't a i'll tell you how fat my wife is joke. she just went on a luxury cruise and got deep vein thrombosis. if you don't know what that is, it's a condition you get from sitting in economy for too long where the vessels in your legs clot up, your veins clot up and you die, right? so my mom's on a luxury cruise lying down all day, and she didn't move enough then on the boat and she gets deep vein thrombosis, and they move her into the hospital area thinking she's going to die.

but that, that's when my dad's holiday starts, right? [ laughter ] he's kept himself fit and he's had a fat wife for years. he's like -- i'm on a boat! [ laughter ] he's out there getting hammered every night. and i think the pinnacle was my mom was touch and go for a while and my dad runs down to the infirmary wearing a sexiest man t-shirt because he came fourth in a competition by the pool. [ laughter ] he's in his '70s. they gave him the boobie prize. just picture my dad doing a little dance going sexiest man. how's your legs, no good? damn. >> jimmy: these are very funny stories. you have to get a very fat mother in your show. >> this is the thing, we want -- in this season, my mother doesn't appear. but in the next season, if we

get one, i would like to write my mother into the show, and my brothers have already been calling her up going oh, jim has already cast a morbidly obese woman to play you in the show. and my mom is going have you already cast a morbidly obese woman? and i said you're not even in this season. next season we will cast a morbidly obese season. >> jimmy: better keep that promise if you make it. >> find that chick from "what's eating gilbert grape." >> jimmy: i got a beautiful young lady right over there who could maybe help you out. is your mother mexican with a mustache? [ laughter ] jim jefferies, everyone. his show is called "legit." we'll be right back with luke bryan.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony. >> jimmy: his new album is called "spring break: here to party." here with the song "just a sip," luke bryan. [ cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪ what gives you courage to walk up to a ten in a bar what turns the nervous into a rock star ♪ ♪ what gets you through the week then and right on through the weekend ♪ ♪ and puts you back together again ♪ ♪ just a sip, just a sip beer or whiskey if you're with me, wet your lips ♪ ♪ gonna be mm-hmm so good mm-hmm so nice starting this night off so right with just a sip ♪

♪ what makes a good ol' boy start pumping his fist in the sky ♪ ♪ what makes a shy girl walk on the wild side what makes a party better makes it last forever ♪ ♪ everybody all together now ♪ ♪ just a sip, just a sip beer or whiskey if you're with me, wet your lips ♪ ♪ gonna be mm-hmm so good mm-hmm so nice starting this night off so right with just a sip ♪ ♪ you can chug it down all you want but you ain't

gonna last long ♪ ♪ trust me you can get there with just a sip, just a sip ♪ ♪ beer or whiskey if you're with me, wet your lips gonna be mm-hmm so good mm-hmm so right ♪ ♪ starting this night off so right with just a sip takin' one of them big ol' sips ♪ let's have another sip ♪ >> jimmy: luke bryan. his album is out now. thanks to jessica simpson. thanks to jim jefferies. apologies to matt damon. tomorrow night, kobe bryant, dominic monaghan and music from