[ laughter ] thank you. [ applause ] mark zuckerberg unveiled a new facebook news feed today, it promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet on vacation. as far as i can tell, the biggest difference is starting soon photos and videos will be larger. so the old facebook looks like. this and the new one is going to look like this. i wish i could just go to sleep and wake up after it happens. zuckerberg said that with this improved news feed, facebook hopes to give the world "the best personalized newspaper that we can." i think he's playing it a little bit loose with the word newspaper. a newspaper tells us that north korea is threatening to attack us, not that your friend jody went to panera bread this afternoon. [ applause ] that is not news. new york city mayor michael bloomberg has a knew crusade.

he wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. i didn't see the movie, wasn't that the plot of "footloose"? he has banned smoking in public, transfats and sodas larger than 16 ounces. now he wants people to stop listening to large music. the last time i checked, mike bloomberg is only a mayor. my headphones are named by a doctor named dre. [ applause ] i don't recall asking for a second opinion. mayor bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. how long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people's hands. [ laughter ] here's an adorable picture. kate middleton, the lady they hired to be the next queen of england, visited a fire and rescue station in northern england this weekend. she met this little guy, who gave her a one-fingered salute. you know, when you greet the future queen, you're supposed to

pick your nose with your pinky in the air. the boy is currently serving a life sentence. have you been following the unusual vacation plans of dennis rodman? dennis rodman was in north korea last week where he spent some quality time with the supreme leader of north korea, kim jong un. the leader of the country that this morning promised to launch a preemptive nuclear strike against us. there they are sharing a hug. very sweet. i know this sounds like a bad movie plot, but we might need donald trump to fire dennis rodman from celebrity apprentice so he can save us from obliteration. dennis rodman's publicist said he wants to go back to north korea sometime in the next six months and he wants to use his new friendship with kim jong un to help broker peace between the united states and north korea. we already let our smartest people try to work out peace. why not let our dumbest person take a crack at it, too. [ applause ] it's just so crazy it might kill

everyone. [ laughter ] this is funny. while the worldwide web was built to connect people and act as a catalyst for the sharing of information and ideas, i think happened upon a more significant reason the web exists and that is so that everyone, whether they be man, woman, or child, can enjoy the simple pleasure of watching a dog listen to rap music. ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we found the actual snoop dogg. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] he exists. the only dog with a medical marijuana license. new issue of "entertainme "entertainment weekly" hits newsstands, and on the cover is

matt damon and his new boyfriend liberace. stars of the new movie "behind the candelabra," or is it "candelabra in the behind." [ laughter ] if you have a copy of this magazine, mail it to me. i want to collect a thousand of them and use them as wrapping paper for the rest of my life. the much anticipated movie "oz the great and powerful" opens tomorrow. this is a prequel to "the wizard of oz" starring james franco, mila kunis, rachel weisz, michelle williams, and zach braff. the film was directed by sam raimi. the trailer looks really good. >> am i dreaming? >> it's the emerald city. >> you are here at last. and the prophesy shall be fulfilled.

>> you have a dipstick for health. it's called your penis. the real age of your vagina is 73 years old. >> oh, my gosh. >> for the first time ever, you're going to perform a hemorrhoid procedure on you. >> me? >> his penis sort of looks like this. >> let's say this is your pubic hair, okay? you like the hairy nipples? i'll be the vagina. >> jimmy: he really is great and powerful. winter storm saturn, it started in montana, it barrelled through chicago, it's now hammering the east coast. more than 4,400 flights have been cancelled. experts are predicting this storm could force millions of people to stay home and interact with their families and that is about as bad as it gets. so we thought it would be fun to play a game with two families who are indeed stuck at home

tonight. it's the winter weather edition of our skype scavenger hunt. all of our competitors tonight come to us from the state of massachusetts. first up, it's the smith family, patrick, molly, jack, and charlie. how are you? >> good. >> jimmy: how's the weather there right now? >> bad. >> miserable. >> jimmy: are you in school or are you out of school because of the cold? >> out of school. >> jimmy: that is the worst case scenario, isn't it? you will be playing against a family from norwood. is it snowing there right now? >> it is snowing pretty hard here, yep. >> jimmy: it's snowing pretty hard. are you guys in school too? >> yes. >> jimmy: crossing our fingers

that they're going to cancel it soon. >> jimmy: who's crossing fingers? >> we all are. we work at schools, too. >> jimmy: the rules of this game are very simple. it's a scavenger hunt. i'll ask you to find something or do something and you find it or do it. you guys ready to play? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay, great. the first round, i would like the dads -- i want micah and patrick to run to the bedroom, put on a bathing suit, just a bathing suit, and come back, okay? go! now, hold on a second -- the rest of you guys, i want you to run outside, grab snowballs, and when dad comes back, nail him with it, okay? yes, go get snowballs real quick. when dad comes back, hit him with the snowballs. okay, fast, fast. before he gets back. he comes back, he'll think the family has abandoned him.

now wait a minute. they both chickened out and have their shirts on. smiths, hit your dad with a snowball! you know what? i'm not giving anyone points for that. they should have come back with no clothes on, right? all right, guys. we're going to take a quick break. when we come back, we'll continue with this. it's the skype scavenger hunt. plus kobe bryant, dominic moynahan, music from rival sons. and "this week in unnecessary censorship" when we come back. we'll be right back. what are you doing? oh, hey. using night-vision goggles to keep an eye on my spicy buffalo wheat thins to make sure nobody touches them. who's gonna take your wheat thins? um, i don't know. an intruder, the dog, bigfoot, ted from next door. hey, could you get the light? i love you. [ loud crash ]

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3 days of walking one app, two entrees only 20 bucks. to give a breast cancer survivor a lifetime-- that's definitely a fair trade. it was such a beautiful experience. (jessica lee) ♪ and it's beautiful (woman) why walk 60 miles in the boldest breast cancer event in history? because your efforts help komen serve millions of women and men facing breast cancer every year. visit the3day.org to register or to request more information today. it was 3 days of pure joy. ♪ and it's beautiful >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back.

kobe bryant, dominic moynahan, and rival sons are backstage waiting to see you anxiously. but first, the weather is cold, but the competition is just heating up as we play round two of our winter weather skype scavenger hunt. we welcome back the families both from massachusetts. both very competitive. right now they are tied with no points, but we are far from finished. are you ready for your next challenge? >> we're ready. >> jimmy: most of you are. all right. here's your challenge. are you ready? i want you to come back with all the soup in your house. most soup wins. yeah, everybody. everybody help. all right. the smiths seem very relaxed about this. the haubens, i don't know what's going on in that house. might be haunted or something. it's interesting to look into people's houses, isn't it? everybody's got their kind of thing. oh, wait a minute.

what's going on? there's an intruder. two cans of soup. three cans of soup. the haubens have two cans of soup. only two cans of soup in the whole house? those look like baked beans, by the way. the soup just keeps coming with the smiths. all right, ideals mike -- we're going to give this one to the smiths. you have the most cans of soup. and what's that in the plastic container? >> homemade soup. >> it smells horrible. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, the smiths are up 1-0. the next one is a physical challenge. you're all a part of this. i want you all to dance like you're falling snow flakes. okay? dance like falling snow flakes.

oh, let's see. very gentle dancing. really good dancing going on. all right. you know what? everybody did a really good job. [ applause ] we're going to call that a tie. all right, that one's even. everybody gets a point for that one. our final challenge, i would like you to get the youngest member of your family dressed up for the snow. charlie and mason -- when i say -- i want each family. leave the youngest there. grab boots,sweater, winter coat, gloves or mittens and a scarf. come back and put them on your kid. okay? okay, great. this is the slowest scavenger hunt we've ever had. i guess when the temperature gets low -- oh, there goes mason. he's disappeared.

jack is not helping. [ laughter ] the skype family torture. get him dressed, get him dressed, quickly! the haubens are in the lead. they've got the jacket on. okay, all right. are you completely dressed there, charlie? charlie is completely dressed! the smiths win! [ applause ] oh, the poor hauben family. he's dancing like a snow flake again. nobody's going home empty handed. you're all winners because both families will receive a great prize package. tell them what they won. >> dicky: each family will receive a beautiful new snow

machine. >> jimmy: thank you very much. it's thursday night. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> intrigue go hand in hand at russia's [ bleep ] ballet. >> don't [ bleep ] me. >> was maks fired from "dancing with the stars" because his [ bleep ] was too big for the dance floor? >> first time you worked with tina fey and there's a steamy [ bleep ] scene. >> there is. >> it's very tough to [ bleep ] you for the second time. >> or the third time for me. >> let's get pumped up, powered up, and [ bleep ] up. >> will pauly d ever [ bleep ]? >> of course. >> there's a cardiologist, chauncey crandall, real high on [ bleep ]. so [ bleep ] is good for your body. it cleanses it out. >> how are you feeling? >> i'm [ bleep ] amazing right

now. >> we now have a lap dog, [ bleep ] lap dog media. >> snooki says she lost the first 20 pounds just by [ bleep ]. >> polar bear, there are lots of [ bleep ] around here. it's not safe for you here. >> britney and i were [ bleep ] when i was paying him back. all [ bleep ], numerous times we were all [ bleep ]. >> what about now? you guys are still [ bleep ]? >> no, not now. >> jimmy: we have a good show tonight. we'll be right back with kobe bryant, so stick around. i like to stay connected with friends.

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mobile check deposit. easier banking. standard at citibank. >> jimmy: tonight on the program, you can see him touching snakes and bugs on "wild things with dominic moynahan." dominic moynahan is here. [ cheers and applause ] and then this is their album, it comes out on march 19th, it's called "head down," making their united states television debut, rival sons from the sony stage tonight. our first guest, unprecedented success over the past 17 seasons in the nba proves what i've always said, and that is college is for suckers. he is a five-time nba champion and 15-time all-star. he is willing his team into the

playoffs whether they like it or not, from your los angeles lakers, please welcome kobe bryant. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i have the snazzy shoes. >> looking good, man, looking good. >> jimmy: man, those are ridiculous. how are you? >> i'm good, man, i'm good. >> jimmy: i heard your daughter is here with you tonight. >> yeah. i take her to work with me every now and then. >> jimmy: how old is she? >> 6. a little sucker, too. >> jimmy: i wonder where she gets that. in what ways is she competitive? >> she wants to compete on everything. we can't compete on who finishes

breakfast first. who falls asleep first. we have no idea of tracking who won that. but she has a competitive gene. her sister does, too. >> jimmy: maybe you should have an official at all times in your house. >> when i wind up having to officiate everything, it becomes a mess. >> jimmy: it's good for you to be on the other end of that every once in a while. you had some game last night. that was unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] these games are so important now. you're down, you hold the hornets -- you outscored them 20-0, i think, to close out the game. >> it's about time we start playing some kind of defense. >> jimmy: has this been the hardest season for you so far? >> physically, yeah. it's been pretty taxing physically. >> jimmy: only physically? >> playing all these minutes, i have to do a lot to make sure my body is recovering and ready to play the next game.

>> jimmy: this is a team that there were high expectations when you come into the season. you guys miraculously sign steve nash and dwight howard. all of a sudden you're i think just behind miami as far as the favorites to win the nba title. and then things get off to a terrible start. but i have a theory about this. and that is you have intentionally done this so that you can come from behind, squeak into the playoffs, and complete the greatest nba run in the history of basketball. yeah? [ cheers and applause ] >> yes. i knew it. i mean, it's los angeles. what's a laker team in l.a. without drama? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: some serious drama this year, though. >> a little bit. >> jimmy: do you feel like your teammates are playing as hard as you would like them to? >> i do. at the start of the year was tough, though, because you've got so many different pieces coming in. we obviously had a coaching change. we had to adjust to the system. we had all these injuries. so a lot of moving pieces. but right now, i feel like we're in a good place.

>> jimmy: you're a game and a half out of the playoffs. you've guaranteed that the team will make the playoffs. what do the other guys say when you go and guarantee that the team is going to make it? >> well, i mean, if anybody in that locker room would have said well i don't know if we're going to make it -- >> jimmy: you would have swallowed them hole. >> i would have called the buss family and said cut this guy right now. get him out of here. [ applause ] >> jimmy: so there's not a spiritne of openness and communication in that locker room. >> there is, as long as it's a winning one. >> jimmy: but that's what we want to hear. i see you out there and i think this guy is crazy. i mean, you -- to the point where you will just completely take a game over if you have to. >> yeah, well i care about it so much. last night's game was really tough. we should just try to keep a good spirit, remain competitive and try to stay within striking distance. even though being down 25 points

doesn't seem like striking distance. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what do you feel like when you're outscoring a team 20-0? >> you don't realize it. i don't know if my teammates did or not. but i was just trying to think about we're getting close, let's not let the game slip away. we work so hard to get back into contention. let's not turn it over here. let's not give an easy point here and let the game slip away because we work so hard to get back. >> jimmy: on another topic, you played with dennis rodman for a short time. do you think he is the solution to our problem with north korea? [ laughter ] do you think that he is the guy to go over there? >> it's a crazy world, man. you never know. who the hell knows? >> jimmy: in this case, i feel like we know. >> our president is a chicago bulls fan. dennis obviously has a great history with that. north korea -- i mean, i think we're all probably just as shocked as everybody else is here about that. it's a weird world. >> jimmy: have you ever gotten

any overtures from kim jong un? him being a big nba fan, i would imagine he's a big fan of yours. >> i haven't heard anything yet. >> jimmy: would you go over there and focus on stopping this potential nuclear warhead that could come over? that seems more important than the game. >> yeah, but i'd probably pass. >> jimmy: you would pass on that one? well for once you're passing. [ laughter ] [ applause ] my house gets burned down because you're passing. you've been on twitter all of a sudden. you decided to go on twitter, like a few months ago, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and already have a million and a half followers, which is unbelievable to get them that quickly. why are you on twitter? >> just for fun, i guess. for laughs. >> jimmy: you put that your new nickname is vino. who gave you that nickname? >> it's kind of unfair because

one of my friends is a copyrighter. so i've known him for a long time. he just threw that out there to me. >> jimmy: because you age like fine wine. that's what he said. >> that's what he says. >> jimmy: so vino, you've been pushing it as a hash tag and people think oh, he's drunk. he's drinking. he's putting vino at the end of this. >> there are some people on twitter, reading comprehension is probably not one of their strengths. but i kind of hash tagged something last night, it's like maybe i shouldn't have written that. >> jimmy: that's the trouble with twitter, is at any time you can speak to anyone. >> i thought oh, to hell with it. >> jimmy: that's good. loosen your purse a little. on the court, none of that stuff. we're going to take a quick break. kobe bryant is with us. he's from the los angeles lakers. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] with so many toothbrushes to choose from,

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bryant attacking. he dunks it home! another 30-point game. he got there with this. just think if he could palm the ball. >> jimmy: i wish i could do that just one time. kobe bryant is here. and i realize that's never going to happen. do you still have that basketball camp for kids? >> i do. i have it every summer. >> jimmy: maybe i can come to that. maybe i can play in that.

i'm 45 years old. is it too late for me to be able to dunk? >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: kids come from all over the country to this camp? >> yeah, we bring them from all over. we just try to teach them to play the right way. i'll put them in the triangle offense and i have these 8-year-olds running the triangle offense. it's hilarious. >> jimmy: i would imagine you being the way you are do not let the kids win. >> what, like playing one-on-one and things like that? >> jimmy: yeah, whatever. >> yeah, no. every year i get challenged from different kids, different age groups and i'll play them. absolutely. >> jimmy: have any of them beat you? >> no, i can't let that happen. [ laughter ] maybe a bucket every now and then. >> jimmy: when you were a kid in italy, didn't a team try to -- they buy players over there, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how old were you when that happened? >> 11.

yeah, they tried to purchase me. >> jimmy: who are they buying you from, your parents? >> well, you play on certain clubs. over there, they don't have high school sports. so you have different clubs. and as you advance, ultimately you want to get into the professional level. the professional club team. but during that process, if another team sees a talented young player, they'll try to buy you. >> jimmy: that's crazy. >> i know, it's nuts. >> jimmy: my parents -- for a garage door opener, they would have sold me. >> it wasn't happening. >> jimmy: you have one year left on your contract. >> yes. >> jimmy: you said something to the effect of you can't imagine retiring without another ring. now when you say that, does that mean a ring with the lakers or just a ring in general? >> no, i'm not going anywhere. [ cheers and applause ] i couldn't possibly. i've been very fortunate to be with one organization. and i just feel like you should just try to do the best of you

can to win with the organization that you're with. if it happens, great. if it doesn't, it doesn't. >> jimmy: it's so rare that a superstar player in any sport stays with the team the whole time. it really does sully it at the end of career to play with somebody else. >> yeah, like i said, i've been very blessed to be with a fantastic organization. i truly have. it's coming to an end. i'm happy that it will be with the lakers uniform. >> jimmy: how soon do you think it's coming to an end? >> it will be soon. i know -- aw -- i've played 20 years. i came into the league, i had an afro and i can't grow one now if i tried. >> jimmy: we're going to give you a wig and keep you playing for another 15 years. kobe bryant, everybody. the lakers this sunday at 3:30 eastern on abc. we'll be right back with dominic moynahan.

can't get enough kimmel? find highlights and more at abc.com. ♪ ♪

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>> jimmy: still to come, music from rival sons. our next guest is an actor, he's the former bassist from drive shaft, and now amateur bug fondler. the season finale of "wild thingings with dominic moynahan" airs on bbc america next tuesday night at 10:00. please welcome dominic moynahan airs on bbc america next tuesday night at 10:00. please welcome dominic moynahan. you seem so much smaller now after kobe was here. >> i know, yeah. >> jimmy: did you talk to kobe. >> i did. i hope they weren't real leopards that he's wearing. he's a big guy. >> jimmy: it was a whole family of leopards went into those shoes. >> did you notice my impression? >> jimmy: yes, i did. >> i've been doing impressions recently. what do you think that was? >> jimmy: what was that an impression of? >> do you want me to do it again?

i'll do it again. what is that? >> jimmy: an animal. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't know, a sloth? >> close. it's a lady whose lost her ring on the dance floor. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you threw me off there. >> i'm doing -- it's a whole impression season. you want me to do a few more? >> jimmy: no, i don't. >> but they're good. >> jimmy: i want to ask you a question. and then we can get back to your impressions. because i heard a little something about you today. just a few minutes before the show started. a mutual friend of ours sent me an e-mail and said you crashed your beloved brand-new tesla automobile in the driveway of your house. >> i know who this is. >> jimmy: you crashed your car in the driveway? what happened? do an impression of that. >> no, i will not! [ applause ] >> jimmy: how new was the car?

>> let me ask you a question yourself. >> jimmy: yes? >> did this e-mail come from j.j. abrams? >> jimmy: yes, it did. >> i did that idiotic thing where i have a certain spot where my car should go. i backed up too far, and i thought i'm going to push back a foot and a half. thought it was in drive. but it was in reverse. and i hit my surf rack. >> jimmy: oh, beautiful. and how much damage did you do? >> well, it's a teslas so they don't tend to make paspare part. so you're talking about $10,000. >> jimmy: that's terrible. >> for a trunk. >> jimmy: you don't need a trunk really. >> just do a whole convertible thing. >> jimmy: i want to talk about your show. >> did you love it? >> jimmy: i did. >> i made this type of show for you because i know you have that kinship with wild beasts. >> jimmy: i don't, but i did enjoy it because i was able to look at them and enjoy them

without fearing them. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and you are -- really what you do is ridiculous on the show. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: you're picking things -- you're not one of those animal guys that we see on tv. you're an actor. you're not supposed to be picking snakes up. you're not supposed to pick up spiders and centipedes that turn your body into liquid. >> i'm not a biologist but what i am is an enthusiastic animal person. >> jimmy: those are the guys that get killed. >> that's potentially true. it's like flying, the more you fly, the more you risk your chance of being in a plane crash. the more i handle a snake, the more chance i have of being bitten by a snake. but i'm willing to give myself over to nature to send that message across that these animals are important and amazing. you're talking about animals that are getting crushed on a daily basis by people, ants and bees and stuff. people think they're silly and unimportant so you just crush them. >> jimmy: you realize if a spider, for instance, killed you, i would say let's kill all of that spider in the world. that would be the result of

that. >> right, but that's not the way to go. obviously i volunteered for this job and it's something that i want to do. but let's take for example the honey boo, right? this animal that sometimes lands on you and people shove away and maybe crush. this is an animal that makes honey. that alone is outstanding. but then the honey bee doesn't make anything that we don't use. it makes wax. we use it. it collects pollen, we use it. it makes a thing which is when a plant is overly pollinated, it releases a kind of glue so that the honey bee can't make any more honey from that nectar. you can use it to heal wounds. it's actually an antiseptic. these animals are amazing. the worker honey bee secretes -- yes -- a type of grease from its brain and that creates the queen. so when they want a queen, the worker bees create a liquid from

their mind, jimmy -- >> jimmy: it is amazing. >> and they feed it to the baby bees and that becomes a queen. you talk about a sophisticated community. and we kill them. meanwhile, we as humans, we can't organize the fact that we're having sex too much. the fact that we don't have -- >> jimmy: are you having sex too much? >> i am, actually. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: let's show a clip here. i want to ask you about this. >> hopefully we can get close enough to this rattlesnake to show you just how fast they can strike. yeah! that was a strike. yeah! look at that. a little bit of venom. that's quite a lot of venom, actually. not a dry bite. and venom, it's kind of sticky. ends up feeling a little bit like super glue.

not only that, but unless venom goes into your bloodstream, it's not dangerous. i'm going to actually lick my finger. >> very tasty! >> jimmy: by the way, that is a ridiculous thing to do. you know i love you, but if you'd fallen down dead after doing that, it would be the funniest thing ever captured on videotape. >> it would be like backing my tesla up into my own driveway. >> jimmy: but on video. >> this is my thing about wild things. i'm passionate about a lot of things, but the thing about animals and wild things that i'm trying to show is these animals that we've shown and animals that have myths associated with them, snakes and spiders and scorpions, and we know you're a little bit fearful. we say with a little bit of education, you might not feel that way. >> jimmy: that's the problem, i don't like to be educated. >> they're ignored and vilified and they're incredibly important animals. so in the second season if we do more stuff, i want to continually remind people that we can live alongside these animals and they're also important and beautiful and

special. >> jimmy: i agree with you. i just don't want any part of them. >> okay. >> jimmy: the show is called "wild things with dominic moynahan." it's fun to watch. we'll be right back with rival sons.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony. >> jimmy: their album "head down" comes out march 15th. here are rival sons. ♪ ♪ one day my prayers are gonna be answered

so long i been hungry for something else ♪ ♪ where there's a will and there's a way cause the lord helps those who help themselves ♪ ♪ hey hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin ♪ ♪ hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin ♪ ♪ right now somebody's counting my money so much they can't see the top of the stack ♪ ♪ there's a will there's a way moneys gonna find my hand one day and ♪

♪ when it does i ain't looking back ♪ ♪ hey hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin ♪ ♪ hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin ♪ ♪ hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin hey i keep my head down but i keep on swingin ♪ i keep on i keep on i keep on swinging swing i swinging

♪ >> jimmy: i want to thank kobe bryant, i want to thank dominic moynahan, i want to apologize to matt damon. thank you for watching. "nightline" is next. "head down." it's out march 19th. playing us with a song "you want to", once again, rival sons. good night! ♪

♪ you got me out on the street oh i'm cold yeah yeah i need your company i'm so sorry oh oh this time i mean it love me i know you want to