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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  April 2, 2013 11:35pm-12:35am PDT

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15 out of 30. that's a very bad score. to put that in perspective, a newborn baby goat stumbled on to the stage and got an 18. you know what, i'll tell you something, and it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. i read that in "oprah" magazine. this is kind of upsetting, the women's school district in new hampshire has officially banned dodge ball because parents complained their kids were being targeted during games which, of course, is the point of dodge ball. the district superintendent says playing dodge ball runs, quote, counterto what we're trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying am pain. giting hit in the face with dodge ball was an important part of growing up. teaches us important lessons like hide from people with angry issues. and how else are you supposed to learn to duck. the district also voted to replace pitchers with belly
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itchers. i felt the belly itchers were being unfirly singled out. i don't think dodge ball is bullying. if you really want to ban bullying in school, there's only one way to do it. need to ban children from school. [ applause ] >> jimmy: until that time let's keep firing balls at someone's head. here's a scary video. last week at a train station in sao paulo brazil. a woman dropped her cell phone on to the tracks. she must have had some really important stuff in that phone because the train is coming and yet she goes after it. there she is on the tracks. two guys pulled her up right before she got hit by the train. what a great verizon commercial that would make, huh? by the way, i'm impressed by the fact that the person who shot this saw a woman about to be hit
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by a train and thought i better get this on tape. the chairwoman of the republican party in georgia has an interesting new argument against same-sex marriage. sue everhart is her name. she believes if same-sex marriage is legalized, straight people will pretend to be gay to get married to get health benefits. she said, say you had a great job with the government where you had this wonderful health plan. what would print you from saying that you're gain and you all get married and you get all the benefits. i don't know, probably the same thing that would prohibit you from saying you're straight and doing it. the best part of her argument is it actually is the premise of the adam sandler-kevin james movie "i now pronounce you chuck and larry." maybe she was led to believe that was a documentary. but everhart says it isn't an equality issue, it's a fraud issue. and there's only one way to solve it.
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force every couple gay or straight to have sex in front of a qualified government official. she wouldn't understand how two gay people would even have sex because they don't have the parts for it. let me help you out, sue. have you ever played tetris? kind of like that. i'll send you a video. you can see. from a straight man's perspective, marrying another guy seems like a lot to go through for free dental, but you think you would be able to tell if two people were pretending to be in a relationship? we're going to conduct an experiment right now. we sent a camera crew to west hollywood this afternoon. and we found random pairs of people walking down the street. and here's how this will work. we will show you two people. you have to guess if they are a gay couple or straight friends. you ready? all right, here we go. >> hi. i'm cory from boston, massachusetts. >> i'm bob and i'm from chicago. >> are you a gay couple or
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straight friends? >> gay! >> jimmy: all right, a gay couple. the audience said a gay couple. >> we are straight friends. >> the matching shirts. matching everything maybe threw you off. next up. >> ashton and jenny. >> are you a gay couple or straight friends? >> gay! >> straight! >> jimmy: about half of you are saying gay, but i think that's wishful thinking. >> straight friends. >> have you thought about being more than friends? >> absolutely not. >> what is it about her that i don't find attractive? >> enjoyment. >> anthony, indianapolis. >> are you a gay couple or straight friends? >> jimmy: a lot of people are yelling gay.
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don't yell gay just because you like yelling gay. let's see. well -- >> friends. straight friends. >> just friends, i guess. >> fernando. i'm from san fernando, california. >> i'm eduardo from pomona, california. >> are you a gay couple or straight friends? >> gay! >> jimmy: take it easy. >> gay couple. >> gay couple. >> which one of you is more gay? >> jimmy: and one more. . >> are you a lesbian couple or straight friends? >> straight friends. >> jimmy: lesbian or straight? we again are mixed. let's find out.
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>> we're sisters actually. >> yeah, sisters. >> scissor sisters? >> jimmy: just regular sisters. but it's hard to tell at this point. there are a lot of videos online now of people saying crazy stuff while under the influence of painkillers. but every once in a while, one really breaks through. this one stars a 19-year-old girl named abby. she's a sof fore at oklahoma christian university. while abby was home from spring break, she had her wisdom teeth removed. here's this delightful video. [ crying ] i just want to feel right in my mouth. it's my own will. i love you from this moment on.
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>> it's okay. >> but they're dead. >> you'll be all right. >> they were just trying to help me and i didn't accept them. i deserve the pain. >> no, no, no. >> jimmy: there's more to the video, and it gets better, bl e believe it or not. we're going to talk to abby. plus, bill maher and music from cold war kid tonight. stay there. oh man! it's like we're tailgating! my grandfather's secret recipe, they've been smoking for hours.
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>> jimmy: bill mahrer is on the way. before the break, i showed a clip of a girl named abby who had funny things to say when she was delirous. here's more.
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>> jimmy: we have a great video. we tracked abby down. she's going to join us now swree yeah skype from her dorm room. hello, abby. or should i say abby, is this the best spring break ever so far? >> it turned out it was, but not when it happened. >> jimmy: how are you feeling right now? >> i'm feeling great right now. >> jimmy: you're not currently on drugs, are you? >> no. >> jimmy: who shot that video? >> my boyfriend dylan. >> jimmy: do you remember any of it happening? >> no, i don't. >> jimmy: you have no memory? what did you think when you say the video? >> i thought it was hilarious. >> jimmy: it didn't disturb you at all? >> a little bit. i didn't know i could get like that. but it's good to know and not ever do that again. >> jimmy: what would happen if
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you had a hair cut or something. is your boyfriend there with you? >> yeah, he is. >> jimmy: bring him into -- and what's your boyfriend's name? >> his name is dylan copeland. dylan, first of all, great job getting that on tape. [ applause ] >> jimmy: really good thinking. one little suggestion next time, turn the camera sideways so we get the whole deal. but who decided to post this online? >> it was actually her idea. >> jimmy: it was your idea? why did you want to post it online? >> i just thought it was funny and i wanted my friends to see it. >> jimmy: and your friends did see it, i assume? >> yes. >> jimmy: they did. and where are your teeth now? did you send them to a farm where they could run and play? >> they're at home. >> jimmy: your teeth look good. actually both your teeth look good. whatever your dentist is doing. he's clearly overmedicating you, but otherwise -- do you miss
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your teeth? did they have names? >> i didn't name them. did i name them? >> no. >> jimmy: dylan, do you have your wisdom teeth? >> i have two of mine out. >> jimmy: you have two out. so then you've got another two that could potentially come out. and abby could potentially follow you to the dentist and videotape you getting yours removed. >> yes. >> jimmy: yes. have the other students at school seen the tape? is this something that people are talking about? >> wyeah. i mean a lot of people say i've never talked to you before, but thanks. >> jimmy: do they recognize you without the big diaper on your head? >> yeah, they did. >> jimmy: and you realize, this should be the only time you ever let a boyfriend videotape you and put it on the internet, right? >> yes, for sure. >> jimmy: now, do you have any plans to further this series? i mean, i think it would be a
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great thing. you perform very well on drugs, i have to say. >> thank you. >> jimmy: but this will be it for you? >> yes, this will be it. >> jimmy: what's going on in the back there? i see you have a crock pot and stuff. is this your dorm room? >> yeah. this is my dorm room. >> jimmy: is it coed or is it -- like for instance, are you allowed to have boys in your dorm room? >> no. >> you are not. so right now, you could potentially be thrown out of the school for this right now? >> well, we let some people know. >> jimmy: and they're okay with it? okay, very good. well, thank you so much for talking to us. you really provided a service to the united states. thank you for videotaping that. and remember this folks, always, always roll video. always. from revolution john carlo
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esposito is here. we'll be right back with bill maher. in basketball, is it better to be faster or slower? [ all ] faster. a quick team creates more scoring opportunities. right, i mean they don't call it a slow break do they? well in larry's case maybe they do. [ laughter ] it's like i don't have feelings. oh, come on. [ male announcer ] it's not complicated. faster is better. and at&t is the nation's fastest 4g lte network. ♪
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>> jimmy: all right, on the program, terrific actor. we played gus spring on "breaking bad." he has a new show called revolution, john carlo esposito is here. and then with his brand-new album that came out today, it's called "dear ms. lonely heart's" cold war kids. tomorrow night, russell brand will be here. bob costas will be with us. and music from gary allen. and on thursday, patrick dempsey and music from seth sentry. join us then. for 11 seasons as host of his own show on hbo, our first guest boldly questions nonsense, hypocrisy and a variety of deities. watch "real time with bill maher" friday nights at 10:00. please say hello to bill maher. [ applause ]
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>> in addition version of my theme song. i'm going to fire my band and hires yours. >> jimmy: how was your easter? >> i love the religious holidays. i had an easter party at my house. >> jimmy: were there bunnies involved? up that sort of thing. you tweeted a photograph that i'm interested in. >> i did, didn't i? >> jimmy: the interesting thing is you got downtown julie brown in there. >> i love my old friends. >> jimmy: she's nice. and then the sign i really like. he is risen. congratulations, jesus. with two exclamation points. >> i made that sign myself, i'll have you know. and i was wasted when i did it.
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a little pat on the back for that. >> jimmy: are you excited about the new pope? >> well, that's why i had an easter party. i love the new pope. i love the new pope's team, not the name he picked, which was amazing and fantastic. >> jimmy: you don't like francis? >> they just made to big of a deal of it. his real name is jorge bergoglio, which sounds like an expensive pair of shoes. >> jimmy: i wonder if his mom will insist on calling him jorge or switch to francis? >> well, she would have to be about 130 now. you don't get that job as a young man. >> jimmy: you made a documentary
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"religulous." it was terrific, very well done. >> yeah. and you know, those themes we explored in that movie, they're always timeless. they come back. we did something on the show cently when we were talking about the new pope talking about the fact that most people think everything in the catholic tradition -- and when there's a new pope and the media is all over this -- comes directly from jesus or the bible. not that the bible itself isn't a bunch of insane bronze age mulark mularkey. >> jimmy: i keep waiting for lightning. >> don't give me that look. but, you know, i think what people don't know is that most of this stuff was not from jesus or the bible. it's made up hundreds of years later just by clowns in the church. they had meetings and -- >> jimmy: guys. >> guys sitting around. the trinity, that's kind of important. right? that's not in the bible.
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neither is confession. they just pulled out of their ass in the 12th century. jesus' birthday? do you remember limbo? >> jimmy: rush? yes, i know limbo. were you raised catholic? >> limbo, where babies go when they die. what's so funny is that, you know, somebody at some point invented, again, right out of their ass heaven and hell. heaven is a place that's great. you go when you die. and everyone was like, "like." i like that. then hundreds of years later, some wise ass went okay, what about babies? you know? who die before they have a chance to be good or bad to be judged worthy of heaven or hell? and the pope just went, this just in. limbo. >> oh, limbo, limbo, limbo. and they just shamelessly invent it as they go along. >> jimmy: i hope we die
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together. i really hope that somehow you and i die together. >> i don't. >> jimmy: either way, it's either going to be hilarious as they send us both to this hell. or we can just be together. >> we're not going to be together. >> jimmy: are you concerned that straight people will fake gay marry each other to get health insurance? >> that is the weirdest story i've heard you talking about. that's a very funny bit you did with the couples. >> jimmy: is there a real concern we should have? >> it just shows you how bankrupt all of these arguments are against gay marriage. they are trying so hard to find something. you saw it with the supreme court last week when they heard arguments about gay marriage. and they brought up all these an chept b debunked ideas. these are supreme court justices, and they're saying things like, well, what about, you know, marriage is for procreation which is not hard to shoot down. people who are 70 can get
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married. i don't think they're going to be popping out babies. you know, what was the other one? it was part of the gay agenda. the gay agenda. you know, i once lived in west hollywood. i know what the gay agenda is. 8:00 starbucks, 9:00 tanning salon. 10:00, the gym. that's the gay agenda. there's the gay agenda. it's so -- you know, the basis of it is, it's so mean spirited. they're basically trying to find some way to say that we are better than them. they're past the point where they can't deny there are gay people. well, they can't have marriage. that's for us. >> jimmy: it seems like -- >> they can't have weddings. they can plan them but they can't have them. or, you know they -- [ applause ] they can have wedding s but no
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cake. >> jimmy: they won't eat cake probably at the weddings. physical fitness is more important in the gay community. >> don't you know it. >> jimmy: i wanted to ask you about something that -- were you at all involved in dennis rodman's trip to north korea? >> well, i mean, i am producer on the show coming up on hbo. >> jimmy: i did not know that. will you send other crazy celebrities, maybe snooki to stop the drug trade? >> that's the best thing we have until north korea. this guy is actually threatening. it's so funny. we went to war in iraq to stop a guy who didn't have nuclear weapons who wasn't actually threatening us. but this guy actually does have nuclear weapons and is actually threatening us. >> jimmy: we don't want to go to war with him because we has nuclear weapons. >> well, he has nuclear weapons that can reach about to there.
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>> jimmy: he could put guillermo in danger. that's the problem. are you concerned? i mean, it doesn't seem like he -- >> it's not cool. it's not cool to say you're going to blow people up. although the united states all the time muses about the next country we're going to bomb. >> jimmy: i get the feeling they are very in north korea fired up about us and we know almost nothing about why they're angry at us. >> it's because they're brainwashed. it's the saddest country on earth. it truly is. they don't know anything that's going on. i would say, you know, why don't we just take them out, except it's not their fault. it's this little kabal the country. >> jimmy: so send dennis rodman over there to fennish him. >> we should send dennis rodman on a flat bed truck across
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california so that he doesn't bomb california. because dennis rodman is his only friend. >> jimmy: not a bad idea. strip him to the capitol building. >> we could bomb them. we could think of it as south korea with more parking. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break on that note. bill maher is here with us. be right back. >> do you have what it takes to be a miller time intern? go to miller time internship for more. billion dollars to help people and businesses who were affected, and to cover cleanup costs. today, the beaches and gulf are open for everyone to enjoy --
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>> jimmy: bill maher. you're a fan of cold war kids. >> i'm saying it's very apropos while we're talking about kim jong-un and blowing up the world with nukes. >> jimmy: you are a minority of the new york mets which to me is about the greatest thing you could possibly be. how did you get involved? that? >> i spent money. >> jimmy: you had to. i always imagine that they would give you a piece of the team. >> i gave them all my money. >> jimmy: and do you get money back? have you seen any? >> well, no. but, you know, it's a baseball team. they're not making any new baseball teams in new york city.
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>> right. >> it's very rare that you're allowed to buy a percentage of a baseball team. they sell sometimes lock, stock and tomahawk. but the mets sold 40% of itself to a few different minority owners. and when that offer comes up, and it was on the table for a while. i was like why aren't people doing this? why didn't jerry seinfeld do it? he's richer than [ bleep ]. he's a big mets fan. >> jimmy: do you get to go to the games often? >> of course. i got my own boxing space. i have my own box. i'm popping my collar, man. >> jimmy: take me a game. >> and mets have the all-star game this year. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. with everything you could do with your money, what could be better than that? >> nothing. >> jimmy: mayor blookberg is somebody that -- now, what do you think of his efforts to
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protect us from carbonated beverages? and the like. >> i don't like it. i think it gives liberals a bad name. i really do. it makes liberals look like bullies who want to tell people what to do. and they never met a regulation they didn't like. obviously we do have a problem with child obesity. i don't want our children to be 99% mountain dew. but this is not the way to go about it. because, you know, we all do something that hurts our health, you know? we all eat stuff we shouldn't. probably the optimal food for primates is bread, fruit, lawn clippings and rain. but at a certain point that gets old. and we just don't want -- we don't want to be a nanny state like this. i don't know what mayor bloomberg has in mind, but there's something wrong about the seventh richest man in the world sitting in bed at night
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thinking, you know what people shouldn't do. let's make that a law. that make mess want to join the tea party and marry anne coulter, and that's not where i want to be. >> jimmy: not only can you see bill on hbo friday nights the show "real time" but bill will be performing live saturday april 6 at university of south carolina and sunday april 7 at the savannah civic center. go out there, say hello. we'll be right back with john carlo esposito. >> hi. i'm jimmy kimmel to celebrate the release of the movie "the internship" miller lite has developed their own internship. four friends will hit the road
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to tackle the finest tasks miller lite has to offer. including taste testers at the brewery, working at honorary pit crew for the miller lite racing team. to show our support, we're sending my cousin sal to some of the events to help out. he's very helpful. millerliteinternship.com. hopefully your application process will be easier than this, the interview from the movie starting april 7. >> people have their interviews on the internet. >> you're dropped to the bottom of a blender. what do you do? >> it's not so much getting out of the blender, it's what happens next. >> maybe stick us in those submarines they put in people's bodies to find diseases. >> that's not a real thing, the submarine. >> i thought we were stuck in a blender. now we're saving lives? what? what? >> does your crew have what it take? visit miller time internship.com to enter for a chance to win.
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>> jimmy: welcome back. our next guest is an exceptionally gifted actor. he was nominated for an emmy for playing one of the best villains ever on "breaking bad." you can see him on "revolution" monday nights on abc. please welcome john carlo esposito. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how you doing? >> i'm doing great. >> jimmy: i told you how many times i enjoyed your work on "breaking bad" as gus. that had to be a sad moment when they told you it's over. >> it was kind of mixed. it was really sad in the begin, but i had a really great time sort of putting vince on the line. >> jimmy: vince gilligan, the
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creator of "breaking bad." >> i went and did something r reprehensible in "box cutter" for those of you who saw the show. i got a call in my dressing room. vince is here, he would love you to come down and talk to you ant future episodes. and i went, this is not good. this is so not good. so i made up my mind i would just go down as gus. i walked in his office and i was affable and started out as john carlo. he got up from his desk and he said let me close the door. and i said no. no, you don't close the door. you sit down. and he looked at me quizzically. what am i going to direct? what's happened at 413. he said let me close the door. i said no, you're not going to close the door. he sat back down. he's completely befuddled.
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finally he gets the courage to stand up again and he gets a little bit further around his desk each time and he says look, i just want to close the door. i looked at him and i said okay, you want to close the door? close the door. so he made his move for the door. and i reached into my pocket. he's really nervous now. you close the door .i'm going to cut your throat. he closed the door, sat back down. he told me the news and told me what happened in 413. he said how are we going to do this? i thought you were going to include me in this whole process? he said well, i was thinking maybe he would go out by being shot. i said gus won't get shot. he's not that kind of guy. i said what do you think if we had an explosive ending? i said i love explosive. i love that. >> jimmy: half of you was gone. >> i'm giving you my good side.
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snoo. >> jimmy: can you request the good side. >> that's the way i came out of the room and he wanted the camera to come from a certain direction. this side was lost. >> jimmy: if you've not seen it, we've ruined it for you. >> spoiler alert. too bad. >> you waited too long. >> jimmy: how old were you when you did your first broadway show? >> 7. i started out as voiceovers in 1967. and i worked for a guy named ray fowler at rko, which led me to doing some theme songs for different kid shows. >> jimmy: what theme songs did you know? >> my fist was "the electric company."
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♪ the electric company >> jimmy: if you really wanted to scare vince gail gan you should have broken into that song. >> i did "electric company" rc cola for a while. we were up at big sur and they wanted me to voice the whole commercial. that was a nice one. >> jimmy: the single. ♪ rc cola. has the taste that refreshes you not to sweet it refreshes you so keep it cool rc cola it refreshes you it refreshes you ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: so on "revolution" which is very popular, another j.j. abrams show, another big j.j. abrams, you're a bad guy on this show as well. >> i'm a heavy on this show. i justify my badness with the good personality i bring to the set. you know? i come out and say hi to
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everybody, i'm really, really nice and i make everyone trust me. but i'm a guy who's an enforcer. i play captain john neville who's trying to protect people from the worst part of themselves. >> jimmy: after breaking bad, do people see you as a bad guy? are those the kind of roles you get offered? >> it's been mixed up a little bit. often times once you have a splash as a bad guy, you get a lot of bad guy offers. i'm on the plane, go to the bathroom on the plane three weeks ago and a woman is standing there and she looks and she just gets really calm and she just puts herself up against the wall. and i looked at her and i said are you okay? >> you can -- you can -- you can go, gus. i said no, no, you were in line. she says please, please, you go. >> jimmy: that's a great sign. people are irrationally terrified of you, you've done a great job. >> i think i've done a good job
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if people are afraid and don't know how to take me in the beginning. >> jimmy: thanks for scaring the living hell out of us. you're great. the new show is "revolution." 10:00 on nbc. john carlo esposito. be right back with "cold war kids. >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. hey! did you know that honey nut cheerios
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has oats that can help lower cholesterol? and it tastes good? sure does! ♪ wow. [ buzz ] delicious, right? yeah. it's the honey, it makes it taste so... ♪ well, would you look at the time... what's the rush? bee happy. bee healthy. with clusters of flakes and o's. oh, ho ho... it's the honey sweetness. i...i mean, you...love.
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>> jimmy: here with the song "miracle mile" cold war kids! ♪ i was supposed to do great things ♪ ♪ i'd know the rule's law ♪ but i wasn't raised to shoot for fame ♪ ♪ i had the safety on
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♪ i cut my ties i sold my rings ♪ ♪ i wanteds none of this if you start from scratch ♪ ♪ and have to sing just for the fun of it ♪ ♪ i'll be all right if i could just see you ♪ ♪ come up for air come up for air ♪ ♪ a miracle mile where does it lead to ♪ ♪ come up for air come up air ♪ ♪ i feel the air upon my face forget the mess i'm in ♪ ♪ hold me again don't count mistakes ♪ ♪ i lost track of them i'll be all right ♪ ♪ if i could just see you come up for air ♪ ♪ come up for air a miracle mile ♪ ♪ where does it lead to
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come up for air ♪ ♪ come up for air i was in the mud ♪ ♪ ichs in the dirt went underground and i thought what i was worth ♪ ♪ all alone i know i can't stay ♪ ♪ but we're walking up and down the streets to stay awake ♪ ♪ come up for air come up for air ♪ come up ♪ come up for air come up for air ♪ ♪ come up come up for air ♪ ♪ come up for air ♪ come up get outside get over the world ♪ ♪ a little love what you can return ♪ ♪ adrenaline and let me push some ♪ ♪ but you and breathe one breath
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a time ♪ ♪ come up for air come up for air ♪ ♪ come up come up for air ♪ ♪ come up for air come up ♪ ♪ come up for air come up for air ♪ ♪ come up i'll be all right if i could just see you ♪ ♪ come up for air come up for air ♪ ♪ a miracle mile where does it lead to ♪ ♪ come up for air come up for air ♪ ♪ i'll be all right if i could just say you ♪ ♪ a miracle mile where does it lead to ♪ cold war kids. thanks for bill maher and john carlo esposito. my apologies to matt damon. "nightline" coming up next. thanks for watching.
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good night. tonight on "nightline" over a million dorito tacos sold every day. tonight, taco bell's

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