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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  April 9, 2013 11:35pm-12:35am PDT

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[ birds tweeting ] >> just to recap. a person who's famous for no reason passed out while pushing herself to the limit in a meaningless dance competition. i will continue to keep you updated as the situation develops. the big dancing story was andy dick. is it vietnamese or vienese waltz made the judge weep. >> are you ready, hon? you're next. come here. >> jimmy: wow. note to self. do not watch "the notebook" with
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kerri anne. while you might think it's impossible to top all that, somehow they were able to do it on the show "splash." "splash" if you aren't aware is abc's number one competitive diving show. tonight, louie anderson, a man who has as much business on a do i having board as a giraffe has on a skateboard tried and tried again, and this time he nailed it. [ applause ]
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>> jimmy: that was not diving. it's realing off a plank. shockingly, louie was eliminated from the competition tonight. just as he was starting to really get it, you know? next season it should be all fat guys. that should be the name of the show, "fat guys on a diving board." happy birthday to hugh hefner who turned 87 years old today. he celebrated as he always does, by being told he had sex. you know, his wife, he has a wife named crystal who's 26 years old. she was born in 1986. he was born in 1926. what do they even talk about? he served in world war ii. she wasn't even alive when "ghostbusters" came out. but, you know, that's lue for you. it's totally disgusting. this is funny.
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a very rare instance in which the star of an amazing animal video is not the animal. in this case, it is the woman recording the animal. >> that's a racoon walking from one side to one side using the telephone anticipate the electricity pole. very, very clever, eh? very, very clever. he's going. he's going. oh, dear. he's going. it is going. he's so clever. my word. he's not scared to fall. >> jimmy: i don't know if it's very, very clever. i would just give it one clever and be done with it. but i think they should hire the woman who narrated that video to
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work on "splash." he's going, he's going. she's a natural. before we go any further, i feel it's my responsibility as a broadcaster to inform you that justin bieber has a new hair cut. that's it. shaved on the sides. it's like -- you know, it reminds me of rhianna's hair cut actually. or maybe miley cyrus, i'm not sure. i guess it's the thing with these young women in pop music nowada nowadays. what i'm wondering is how is it possible that justin bieber is sitting at super cuts getting a new hair do when his monkey is trapped in a german prison. as you are hopefully aware, justin bieber tried to bring mally his pet monkey on tour with him to germany about two weeks ago but he didn't have the proper paperwork so the germans took the monkey.
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currently mally the monkey is being held in an animal shelter in munich and he will stay there until justin shows up with some kind of paperwork and shows up with a fine of $17,000. i'm very worried about the monkey. if that monkey stays in germany, it could develop a taste for techno dance music. you don't know what's going to happen. i've been focal with the germans, demanding they set mally free. but it occurred to me that maybe they haven't responded because they don't understand what i'm saying. so to make sure nothing gets lost in translation, i thought i would bring in a german translator. and here he is. this is klaas. right there that would be right. people of germany. you have justin bieber's monkey in custody.
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[ speaking foreign language. >> jimmy: that is not very nice of you. [ speaking foreign language ] >> jimmy: i am asking you in a friendly way. [ speaking foreign language ] >> jimmy: to please let mally, justin bieber's monkey, go. [ speaking foreign language ] >> jimmy: i am a peace loving man. [ speaking foreign language ] >> jimmy: but if you do not return the monkey to its rightful bieber. [ speaking for ining foreign la language [. >> jimmy: we will have no choice but to kill your beloved david hasselho hasselhoff.
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we have no choice but to kill your beloved david hasselhoff. translation? [ speaking foreign language ] >> jimmy: you have until thursday night at midnight. [ speaking foreign language ] >> jimmy: or we off the hoff. [ speaking foreign language ] >> jimmy: thank you, klaus. that's klaus, everyone. you don't expect that kind of emotion from a german. all right, we're going to take a break right now.
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we have a good show for you tonight. rosario dawson is here with us nico nicole richie is on the show. when we come back, i'm going to give some kids a lie detector test. stay right there. oh man! it's like we're tailgating! my grandfather's secret recipe, they've been smoking for hours. how many hours exactly? [ friend #2 ] what kind of spices do you use in your rub? what part of secret recipe don't you understand? i've got to go turn off the smoker. your grandfather would be proud of you! he didn't make these. mm-mmm. ♪ ok. [ male announcer ] new oscar mayer carving board pulled pork, part of the complete line of carving board meats. it's not your everyday food. it's oscar mayer.
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>> welcome back. this is quite a story. a man from helena, montana, his dog ate five $100 bills. he left the dog in the car while he and his wife went to dinner.
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when they got back to the car, they discovered that sundance had eaten $500 cash. wayne klinkel, which it sounds like the name of a guy who would have his money eaten by a dog, right? he said sundance is notorious for eating anything and everything. just as a rule of thumb, if you have a rule of pet that's notorious for eating anything and everything, don't leave a stack of $100 bills around. so the guy followed the dog around for months -- you know the rest? you heard this story. it was like the world's most disgusting slot machine. he's waiting for money to come out. it did come out in little pieces. now he wants the treasury department to replace the money. i guess they do this. the treasury department will replace bills if you have at least 51% of the bill. i wonder how much the guy who
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does that gets paid. are you good at puzzles? i think i would ask for a transfer to the department of health and human services. i would call it disturbing. there's a new trend coming out of the china where people are posting photos on the internet of their dogs wearing panty pose. like that. it makes them weirdly human and almost sexual. that one is -- that one is so embarrassed her cheeks turned pink. some will even access rise their dog with a tiara to increase the level of humiliation. and this one, i guess, is supposed to be a very miserable playboy bunny. well, at least they're not eating them, i guess, right? oh, you didn't know? one more thing, if there's one thing i don't care for, it's lying.
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lying it's bad and i've been trying to put a stop to it one child at a time. i conducted an interrogation at my old elementary school in brooklyn. i brought a fake lie detector and real guillermo to get to the bottom of everything with one man named marlon. enjoy. >> hello, how you doing? >> good. >> this is the truth fairy. he's going to put a helmet on you. and this helmet is connected to this machine. it's connected to a lie detector machine, okay? >> what's your name? >> marlon. >> how old are you? >> 6. >> what do you like to do for fun? >> play basketball. >> okay, very good. >> do you like school? >> yes. >> do you like school? >> yes. >> hmm.
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is there things you don't like about it? >> have you ever cheated on a test? >> yes. >> how did you do it? >> good, i got a 93. >> but how did you cheat? you looked at your friend's? >> yes. >> were you worried that you would get caught? >> my teacher was looking at other people. >> so it's your teacher's own fault. >> yeah. >> have you ever seen a naked lady? >> no. no. [ buzzing ] >> yes. >> owhat happened? . >> i saw my dad naked. >> what's the dumbest thing your parents do? >> my father says too many curses. >> he does?
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>> yeah. sometimes i say curses. >> you do? >> like what. [ bleep ]. >> do you get in trouble when you say that word? >> no. >> because nobody knows you say it? >> yeah. >> do you have a girlfriend? >> yes. >> what's her name? >> jamie. >> how old is she? >> 18. >> wow. >> i met her at camp. >> do you think you might marry her? >> yeah. >> you do? >> do your parents know you ear involved with an older woman. >> yeah. >> they do? and do they approve? >> yes. >> they're okay with you getting married? >> yes. >> wow. >> my brother also has a girl friend. >> he does? >> how old is he? >> 2. >> he's 2 and has a girlfriend? >> how old is she? >> 3. >> you like the older women,
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huh? >> ask me about yesterday. >> wlapd yesterdahat happened y? >> i stepped into dog poop. i stepped into gum. >> was the dog chewing gum? how did this happen? >> i stepped in dog poop then i showered then i stepped into gum when we were playing basketball. >> was it fun when you stepped in dog poop? >> very. >> it was a lot of fun. >> well, sounds like you're enjoying the little things. >> what little things? >> never mind. thank you, marlon. . >> we have music. we'll be back with rosario dawson. wow, i've been claritin clear for 10 days!
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when her sister dumped me. oh dad, you remember my friend alex? yeah. the one that had the work done... [ male announcer ] sometimes being too transparent can be a bad thing. this looks good! [ male announcer ] but not with the oscar mayer deli fresh clear pack. it's what you see is what you get food.
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, daughter of lionel and mentor on the fashion competition show fashion star, nicole richie is here. and then, with music from their latest album, "holy fire," foals from the sony stage. tomorrow night, jason bateman
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will be here, from the new jackie robinson movie "42." chadwick boseman will be here. and we'll have music from alice in chains. and on thursday, tom cruise, kesha, and paramore. we're finally getting tom cruise and kesha together. that's going to be great. our first guest tonight has been in more than 40 movies. and i will list them all in alphabetical order at the end of the show. her latest, the danny boyle-directed thriller "trance," is in theaters now, please say hello to rosario dawson. >> jimmy: how you doing? >> i'm well, how are you? i saw your movie today. it's very good. >> yeah? how are you feeling? >> confused. you have to really pay attention. there's no screwing around with that computer.
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>> you felt like that reading the script. >> jimmy: what's that motion right there? >> the script, reading the pages. i like to start right into it. >> jimmy: that would warrant that. you played eed a hypnotherapist gets involved with gangsters. i love hypnotism. is i read about it. we hypnotized guillermo on the show. he peed himself. >> did you know florence henderson is a hypnotherapist? >> jimmy: she is not. so mrs. brady is hypnotiiypnoti people? >> i thought you would have loved it so much you would have had her on it. >> jimmy: guillermo, we should
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get mrs. brady to make you pee on yourself. did you know you can't hypnotize people on television? >> you can watch online. >> jimmy: they made it a law because people were watching tv in the 50s and 60s and they were becoming hypnotized in their homes. and on the radio. >> do you remember the number that was in the film that says easily suggestible people? >> jimmy: the number? >> percentage of the population? 5% of the population is easily suggestible. >> jimmy: okay. i don't think i'm one of those people. i tried very hard, maybe too hard and it never seems to work for me. have you been hypnotized? >> i have been. it was great doing all the research. and i remember getting this cd from a woman. it said do not operate heavy machinery or any of those
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different things when you're listening to it. so i was off having, you know, going to sunday dinner, which which is an amaze thing they have in england. it was 10 pages of dialogue i had to do. we're playing it back as my friend was driving. and she's driving down the french country side. she starts wobbling on the highway. she said i think we should turn that off. >> jimmy: that is heavy machinery. >> i didn't think mine would do that. i must have nailed it. or she was bored. >> jimmy: most people don't believe it. they think it's fake when they see it. i will tell you it's not fake. and i've done some terrible, terrible things to people with the assistance of a hypnotist. >> have you gone under yourself?
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>> jimmy: i tried but i wasn't able to. i'm scared to because i know there will be revenge. i just don't trust anybody is what it is. but the movie is very good. and you shot that in london, right? >> yes. yes. that was actually really, really great. >> jimmy: how long were you in london? >> we did two weeks of rehearsal and two months of shooting. and i remember i was trying to negotiate to get out of an extra couple of days of rehearsal. not that i didn't want to do that and i did a ton of it. but i was at burning man beforehand. and i did this huge installat n installation. it was a huge 30-foot penis slide and missing vagina tent installation. >> jimmy: when you say installation. >> the theme of the year was rites of passage, which when you think about i mean, a vagina is the perfect rite of passage. what's better than that. i got my brother and my husband zins and a bunch of friends involved. they probably hated me at the
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end. >> jimmy: so you were saying it was an art project of some kind? >> burning man is a festival out in the desert. i was inspired. i went six or seven times. i wanted to make something. it was incredible. i know someone who's a twin and he told me about this afterwards. i didn't see him while we were there, but apparently because him and his sister were being born, she was breach or something. so they ended up having a caesarean. he was born first but she was supposed to be born first. that was a huge gripe for her. for their entire life. so when they were at burning man together and they came across the installation. they were like and went through and she went down the shaft and got misted. like went through past the g-spot, you know if you found her in real life. it was a little button that would honk horns and ring bells and lights would go off. it was amazing.
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so she went first and was facing the temple. it was this beautiful spiritual experience apparently. just that alone, i was glad we built it. >> jimmy: sounds like a lot of mushrooms were consumed to me. we're going to take a break. the movie is called "trance." we'll be right back. ♪ hey, sis! yeessss? where you hidin' your moist wipes? oh, i don't need 'em. really? what are you doing? oh, just getting clean with no water. kinda like using t.p. with no moist wipes. hmm. point taken. thank you. [ female announcer ] nothing leaves you feeling cleaner and fresher than the cottonelle care routine -- now with a touch of cotton. test your cleaning logic at cottonelle.com.
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>> go upstairs. there's a hallway. do you see the bedside table? >> yes. >> open the drawer. no, the lower one. is there a gun? >> yes. >> do you think you can use it? >> i don't know. i've never used one before. >> do you want me to call the police? >> no, no, no. >> that is "trance." >> jimmy: that's what you do when you see a drawer with a
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gun. you pick it up and pretend you know how to use pit .did you see the movie with an audience? >> yes, i went to the premier, the opening night in london. i went to the premier in new york with my family because i'm a new yorker. sandwiched between my dad and my brother. well, i rolled in with, like, 18. >> jimmy: hold on a second. thinking about the sex scenes specifically, your dad and your brother were there for that? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: what did they say? >> it was so funny. my mom tried to warn them. i know you're probably going to want to stick this one. rosario is full frontal naked in it. whoa, whoa, whoa, i was naked in "alexander." i did this film "descent" which was about rape and torture. it was horrifying.
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i sat between the two of them. h how. >> jimmy: how were they? >> it was great. they probably thought i was trying to trick them. >> jimmy: did they cover their eyes? >> they did. my grandmother watched this movie "alexander" and she waited until after the point i was need until she called him in. then she said you should watch the movie from the beginning. so he did. he comes back with his hand in his pocket and his head down. she's butt naked. she called me op the phone giggling about this. she was literally gafawing. i know you're bored and you're tricking grandpa into seeing me naked. but then when i sat next to my father and brother i kind of
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understood. >> jimmy: if i was your grandfather, i would walk in on your naked for revenge. maybe we'll build an installation. the movie is very, very good. again it's called "trance." it's in theatres now. rosario dawson everybody. we'll be back with nicole richie. henderson re, i'm your rav4 genie. your wish is my command. i wish the old spare tire was gone. out of everything in the...okay. [ snaps fingers ] oh no, i meant... i wish animals could talk. much better. i wish the old spare tire was gone. [ laughs ] next. i want you to avenge my father's death. [ all shouting ] i'm right... i'm right here!
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. >> jimmy: music coming up from foals. as the daughter of a man known for dancing on the ceiling, our next guest developed a gift for examining fashion from every angling. she has her own line of clothes and jewelry, and she shares that experience as mentor on "fashion star," which airs friday nights on nbc.
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please welcome nicole richie. [ applause ] >> nice touch. that was a nice touch. how is your father? >> he's good? >> jimmy: ♪ hello >> did you write that yourself? lionel richie was one of the first con stecerts i ever went with my mom. which is embarrassing but what are you going to do? how often have you seen your father in concert? >> i have only seen him perform like three or four times. >> jimmy: no. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. it's not something that -- i mean, when we're home, we just -- we don't really bring work home. >> jimmy: three or four times.
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>> i have seen him more than you have. >> maybe when i was little, but in my adult life, i think only once. >> jimmy: why is that? just the idea of -- >> i don't like it. i don't like it. he's already -- i mean, my dad is the most smiley guy in the world in life. like i always think that -- i always think he's being fake with me because he's so happy all the time. and then he gets on stage and has people yelling at him and he's thinking the songs and the smile literally wraps around the ears. it's just so big. and then the knees. he starts dancing. no. can't. to. >> jimmy: it would be uncomfortable seeing your parents. >> i don't like it. no. >> jimmy: wow. that is something. yeah. i guess you wouldn't like that. have you been on stage with him? have you performed with him? >> i actually have. he did a concert in vegas and he
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actually did -- he did an album of his hits with a bunch of country stars. >> jimmy: he was here when he did that, yes. >> yes, yes. so him and all the country -- >> jimmy: big stars. >> yes, yes. very big. anyway, they did this concert together in vegas and i was supposed to go to introduce a song. and my dad and i played the piano together at home all the time. and i just happened to be at sound check. and i don't know. we were just -- we didn't realize that anyone was listening because there weren't a lot of people there. we were just kind of playing together. and we looked at each other and we were like, should we just do this tho to the night? it was very, very last minute. so i went up. >> jimmy: what song? >> it's called "climbing to the top." >> jimmy: is that a song he wrote for you? >> i don't know. but i'm going to say yeah. it is about me. >> jimmy: has he written other songs about you? any of his big hits songs about you? >> he did write "ballerina girl" about me. >> jimmy: oh, that's cute. that's nice.
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>> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: and your husband joe madden is in the band "good charlotte." >> is he also writing songs about you? >> yes. >> jimmy: when he does write a song about you, is that something you will examine the lir ecks and punish him with need be? >> well, okay. this actually happens all the time. you know, he writes songs always. so, you know, he'll come to me. i would say once a month, once every few weeks. i wrote the best song. and i'm like great, i can't wait to hear it. i'm grooving to the musing and listening to it. i'm feeling it and all of a sudden it hits me and i listen to the lyrics. ♪ hope i never see you again and i'm like wait. is this about me? well, i like the song, so okay.
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>> jimmy: you must be paranoid. >> they are. we're married. sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. he plays them all for me. plays them all. >> jimmy: do you yell at him and say you're not putting that out? you can't say that? >> no. because if i like the song, it's okay. >> jimmy: which one is the most upsetting to you of all the songs he's written? >> well, two weeks before i had my daughter, our first child he got a two-seater car and wrote a song called "can we please press rewind?" >> jimmy: that's bad. two seater? >> baby in the trunk? >> yeah, i guess. >> jimmy: okay, i could see how you might read something negative into that. is he good with the kids? he has a twin brother, too. right? >> yeah, he is. >> jimmy: do the kids know which of the brothers is which.
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>> when we both leave town, we put bent in there, it works great. >> jimmy: is that how you can primarily tell the difference between them. >> i don't think they look alike. bent has colorful tattoos on and his throat is tattooed. >> jimmy: do you think your kids will want tattoos? you don't have tattoos. >> i do. it's so embarrassing. >> jimmy: what are they? >> i'm a virgo. the sign for a virgo is a virgin. so i'm like i'm going to get virgin on my wrist. and i'm going to be so cool. >> jimmy: as a father, that would be the one tattoo i would support. >> that's so embarrassing. i'm a 32-year-old woman with virgin written on my wrist. and actually to thank my dad for writing "ballerina girl" after
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me. decided at 16 to get ballerina slippers tattooed right above my vagi vagina. >> jimmy: no better way to say thanks dad than that. >> so sweet of me. >> jimmy: the show "fashion star." this is a real thing. these things go into stores. it's not like okay, hopefully you will become something. >> no, no. as the audience is watching these clothes go down the runway, the buyers are bidding on the clothes. you guys can get the clothes that night or the next day. it's watch now and wear now. you can have it in your hands. >> jimmy: how does that work? >> magic. >> jimmy: they may make a lot of clothes none of the buyers will pick them. >> no, they make their sample. and whatever buyer gets it, it goes into that store. or they pass on it. >> jimmy: how quickly are they able to thaurn stuff around? >> we shoot it six months in
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advance. >> jimmy: you realize you're training your own competitors? right? >> kind of. it's really hard to spend a good amount of final with 14 different people in one week. we decided to split it up. it started off not being competitive but, you know, you definitely can't help yourself. >> jimmy: are you and jessica competitive? she now has two kids, right? and you have two. so there's a competition right there. >> yeah, i mean, she's obviously copying me. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. tell your father again that i said hello. nicole richie. we'll be right back with foals.
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>> jimmy: this is their new album called "holy fire." here with the song, "inhaler," foals. ♪ sticks and stones don't break my bones you make believe
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it's lock and load ♪ ♪ it's a dead end road to you and me you know what's to go i'm strict for soul ♪ ♪ i make believe and i'm off the rent i haven't spent i guarantee ♪ ♪ so can you not go away if just for one day ooh impossible, possible way ♪ ♪ how would you do know how'd you do now run away, war sounds in you ♪ ♪ don't throw
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your fortune away and i can't get enough space ♪ ♪ space space get enough space ♪ ♪ i'm pale and coy a mama's boy i make believe i shimmy-shake ♪ ♪ i wake and bake i'm over me my lungs are beat i can not breathe ♪ ♪ don't follow me you push and shove i've had enough don't mess with me ♪ ♪ so can you not go away if just for one day ooh
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impossible, possible way ♪ ♪ how would you do know how'd you do now run away war sounds in you ♪ ♪ don't throw your fortune away and i can't get enough space ♪ ♪ space i can't get enough space space ♪ >> jimmy: "foals" their album is out now. you can see a bonus song on jimmykimmellive.com. tomorrow night jason bateman, chadwick bowen and alice in
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chains. thanks for watching. "nightline" is next. good night! tonight on "nightline" holy hoax. did celebrity mega pastor joel olsteen call the bible fake and renounce his faith? the elaborate internet deceit that shocked thousands. we hear from the

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