bound me to this chair and put the do not disturb sign on the door. he says if we don't return justin bieber's monkey, he will off the of. well, i have two words for you kimm kimm kimmel, [ german accent ] we are keeping the monkey. we are coming for you and i have the hair dryer. >> jimmy: he's got a hair dryer now. that was a big waste of time, i guess. the good news is based on what i know from watching "baywatch," he runs in snow motion. -- slow motion. germa germany, keep the monkey, i

really don't care. did you hear the latest from iran today? the iranian government is claiming that their scientists have developed a time machine, which could explain how their leader got all those 1980s members only jackets. a time machine, for real. maybe they're saying they figured out how to make a clock? i don't know. they claim it can predict events in a person's life up to eight years in the future with 98% accuracy. and they're not showing the machine off publicly yet probably because they don't have a machine like that. but, you know, at least their lies are getting more interesting. now that they have a time machine, their movies are getting better, too. is. >> my machine is completed.

>> you put machine in delorean? >> get in, get in. >> it won't start up. >> come on, marty, try again. >> it's not working, doc. >> okay, marty, hold on. [ speaking foreign language ] whoo! >> jimmy: it's like the old movie we had. this is their version of "back to the future."

tomorrow is the first day of the annual cochella valley music and arts festival. it's a big concert in the middle of the california desert. so if you're wondering where your neighbor with the pierced nipple and the ironic mush taou is. it's going to be sponsored by doorags and paoti? anyone going to this? anyone from the audience? they have live bands include phoenix, red hot chilly pepper, blur and the stone roses. and the hologram tupac is doing a hologram with anet funiccelo. i wept there a few years ago to see the strokes. not the band, the people collapsing from the heat. last night that disgraced to rmer congressman anthony weiner is considering a run for mayor of new york city. he resigned after tweeting a photograph of his crotch. last night, our local kcal news

ran a story on this. and in doing so, provided us with our unintentional joke of the day. >> weiner may be ending his political exile since he resigned in disgrace after his twitter scandal exploded in his face. >> whoever wrote that should probably have his brainwashed out with soap. here's potentially bad news for college students. teachers at nine universities are using a new technology that can tell if students are actually reading their textbooks. let me save you some time. they're not. the digital books create something called an engagement endex that te index, how often they open their book, which pages they read and whether or not they skipped pages. great way to get kids to like books. program the books to tattle on

them. we had a pretty effective way of getting kids to read books when i was a kid. it's called quiz. it worked, too. this is crazy. a guy was fishing in his kayak about two miles off the coast of oahu. unfortunately, he was not the only one with his eye on that particular fish. >> whoa! holy [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: that's what i would say, too. i would never go in the ocean again. that's like the aquatic equivalent of a bully taking your lunch money, right? there are a lot of big news stories this weekend. we wanted to do something tonight to fram them acram them.

we went out to hollywood boulevard today. and we asked pedestrians the following question. do you think margaret thatcher's absence at cochella is beneficial in terms of north korea's decision to launch a nuclear weapon. obviously the question makes no sense at all. but that doesn't mean people won't answer. here's how they responded to the "confusing question of the day." >> do you think margaret thatcher's absence at cochella is beneficial in terms of north korea's decision to launch a nuclear weapon. >> that's like an essay question. >> do you think margaret thatcher's abc sense in cochella is beneficial in terms of the north korea's decision to launch a nuclear weapon? >> no, she should be there. a woman should be there. >> i get what you're saying. but it's not helping me.

>> why did iran kill margaret thatcher? >> well, that's a tough question. jealousy? >> what were they jealous of? >> probably the fact that she's very smart and that she's a leader of a democracy. >> and that she looks good in skinny jeans. >> definitely looks good in skinny jeans. yeah. >> do you think margaret thatcher's absence at cochella in beneficial in terms of north kor korea's decision to launch a nuclear weapon? >> i think her not being there will actually make them decide not to. >> do you think margaret thatcher should have shaved her armpits for cochella? >> possibly. >> why did iran kill margaret thatcher? >> i would say anything's possible. >> did you vote for margaret thatcher on "american idol"? >> no. >> which night would you prefer

they strike during red hot chilly peppers? or phoenix? >> red hot chile peppers. >> do you think margaret thatcher's absence at cochella is beneficial to north korea's decision to launch a nuclear weapon? >> honestly, i wasn't aware of that. what was the question again? >> jimmy: we need to take a break. when we come back, i'm going to show you jesus is back and he's on a tortilla. plus tom cruise, kesha plus music from paramore. don't go anywhere. ♪

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>> jimmy: welcome back. if anyone has bombs that need defusing or evil geniuses that need to be thwarted, tom is happy to oblige. larry johnson of albuquerque, new mexico, celebrated his birthday this week by going on a 100-mile bicycle ride. and what is notable about this is larry is 93 years old. he rode 100 miles on a bicycle. or at least that's what his grandchildren told him. they just pushed him around the hallways of the nursing home for ten minutes. it's a joke. they didn't really. this guy didn't work out rel regularly until he turned 50. since then he had run 20 marathons and ridden his bike

hundreds of miles. on my 93rd birthday, i'm planning to die. this gem comes to us from southern springs, texas, near san antonio. we show a lot of clips of people who contact their local news channel because they believe god has revealed himself to them in an unusual way. that's what you should do. if god calls to you, call your local news immediately. i think this is the first time i've ever seen a two-fer in that category. >> it was thursday night and lupe was simply making tacos for her family. a bag of mi casa flour tortillas. >> i just picked it up and there i saw her. right away, i saw her vision, her image. >> right there in the tortilla, the virgin mary. but wait, there's more. i turned it around and i thought oh, my gosh, i see his face also. >> the face of jesus christ on the other side of the same

tortilla. >> jimmy: yep, that's him all right. he's wearing sunglasses, too. of all the places jesus could appear. mexican food? he really does work in strange and mysterious ways. in theatres tomorrow, "scary movie 5" opens up. two of the stars of this film are lindsay lohan and charlie sheen. before they signed on, they were just going to call it "movie 5." they have a scene together, which is momentous, monumental. i don't know which is more frightening, lindsay lohan and charlie sheen in a movie together or lindsay lohan and charlie sheen in real life together. all they should do together is a psa called don't be us. i'm very excited tonight to bring this piece of video starring arnold schwarzenegger. as you know, arnold enjoys quoting himself. he does it a lot. this week he was on the

australian version of "the today show." promoting a speaking engagement he has over there when the host of the show carl and lisa took him on a little stroll down memory lane. >> what is your favorite line in all of your movies to deliver? >> i think there's several. i'll be back i have to repeat a lot of times. or in "predator" you know, stuck the guy with the knife through the check and say "stick around." things like that. >> i also like, if it bleeds, we can kill it. >> if it bleeds. exactly. if it bleeds, we can kill it, yeah. >> get down. >> yeah, get down. come with me if you want to live. consider this a divorce. remember? "total recall." when she shot sharon stone

through the head. >> jimmy: that was hilarious. again, i would like to remind you that we elected him governor of our state. and one more thing, it's thursday night, time for our weekly tribute of the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. it's this week in "unnecessary censorship." >> april 9 is national [ bleep ] yourself day. >> we were trying to [ bleep ] the right guy. as we could. >> we got to know when to pat guys in the back or ble[ bleep them in the butt. >> oh, come on, man. >> it's amazing. not only are we getting along but [ bleep ]. >> the difference between a vaginal [ bleep ] and a rectal [ bleep ]. >> place where it's time to move on. >> you need to find somebody that's going to [ bleep ] your

[ bleep ]. >> tonight, we have had an amazing relationship and i will [ bleep ] his ass if he wants. >> it's a tough transition for me. i will put [ bleep ] in other guy's mouths. >> [ bleep ] right in the mouth. what's up with that? >> i want to [ bleep ] harrison ford. >> is anyone brave enough to come up on the stage and face their fears and stick their [ bleep ] in that box without knowing what it is? >> we would like to try to [ bleep ], mr. troll. please? >> well, you can try. >> yay! >> jimmy: we have a good show for you tonight. we have music from paramore. be right back with irrepressible tom cruise. [ male announcer ] the new $3 six-inch select at subway!

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program a woman so successful, she has a dollar sign in her name. her show "kesha: my crazy beautiful life" premieres on mtv april 23rd. kesha is here. and then with music from brand new self-titled album. the kids are all lined up for paramore from the sony outdoor stage. [ applause ]

>> jimmy: we've got quite a line up for you next week, harrison ford will be here, as will mark wahlberg, jennifer hudson, ken jeong, bob saget. from "once upon a time," jennifer morrison. from "pain & gain," anthony mackie, and we'll have music from phoenix, m83, who did the music for "oblivion", yeah yeah yeahs, and new order. so join us then. [ applause ] >> jimmy: thirty years ago this summer our first guest made it socially acceptable for young men to wear ray-bans with white underwear and tube socks around the house his new science-fiction thriller "oblivion" opens in theaters one week from tomorrow, please welcome tom cruise. [ applause ] >> thank you.

>> jimmy: i want to admit to something. we were spying on you yesterday, because you had the premier of your movie across the street. and you are a nut. you shook hands and took pictures with every i think isle person out there. >> it was fun. >> jimmy: for hours. >> it was fun. that was an old school hollywood premier. we had the bubble ship, the spaceship there. >> jimmy: your assistant must have a tub of purel the size of a beer keg. >> i didn't think about the germs. >> jimmy: you have to think about the germs. some people think about the germs constantly. a couple of people on our staff here. they think a lot about germs. maybe too much about germs. everything going well? >> it's good. >> jimmy: the premier was good? >> a lot of fun. >> jimmy: do you remember your first premier? >> yeah, i do actually. i remember a film called "taps."

it was the premier. [ applause ] >> a big show in new york. and the studio was fox. the producers were great and they put me in a limo, and i got to go to this premier. i'll never forget. i'm in a limo, probably one of the first times ever in my life. i look out the window and there's bill murray walking down the street. and i thought i want to roll the window down and yell something at him or maybe tackle him. but i went to the premier instead. >> jimmy: that's a pretty -- >> that was the moment. >> jimmy: so "taps" was the first movie. and then you've had others since then, right? correct? and when you have a movie, it's not just in the united states. it's like your movies open big all over -- i feel like you're always on a world tour of some kind at all times. where have you gone for this movie so far? >> we went to moscow, so far went to london.

where else did i go? vienna, rio, argentina. >> jimmy: that's crazy. >> taipei. went to taipei. >> jimmy: that's a lot of germs you've collected. >> tokyo, china, new york. >> jimmy: you were in ireland, what, last week? soo. >> that was amazing. >> jimmy: what happened there? they did something. >> as a gift, they went and researched my family temperature it was an amazing story. these two wonderful women. as a gift, they did this. and they traced my family back to, like, the 9th century in ireland. i had no idea that it went back that far. >> jimmy: what was the family name? >> cruise. >> jimmy: oh, real, cruise? that far back? >> yeah, cruise. and i found my ancestors were the rulers of north ireland. >> jimmy: of course they were. of course they were. >> they said you can't make this

up. there was a town, they owned a town called hollywood. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. it's wild. one guy was a famine hero. >> jimmy: what do you mean by that? >> that's what i said. what's a famine hero? this guy helping to run their estates wanted to throw the tenants on the farm. he got on a boat and reinstated the tenants on the farm and fired the lawyer and they had this big dinner for him and celebrated. >> jimmy: wow. they were knights for strong bow in the 12th century. >> jimmy: did they have a family crest? >> yeah. they said we could be here for a long time. they showed me a picture of the foundation of where the castle was. >> jimmy: there's a cruise castle? >> they said that, you know, my family owned most of dublin at a certain point. >> jimmy: that's unbelievable. >> it was unbelievable. i mean, it was wild. like the reclamation. >> jimmy: did they ask you for money at anytime?

>> maybe they tell everyone that. it's like cruiseville over here. you shot this movie in iceland and in space, correct? >> yes. >> jimmy: it's really good. i saw it today. >> there actually isn't a lot of green screen. we sht in iceland, mountains in california and new york city. >> jimmy: did you like iceland? >> loved it. it was amazing. >> jimmy: has anyone been to iceland here? >> jimmy: no. we don't go anywhere. not one person said yeah. >> we would shoot all day and then kind of -- >> jimmy: because you were there? amazing. these cruises are unbelievable. >> we breed sunshine. i don't know. >> jimmy: did you do any of your

dangerous things that you do when you're on vacation? you must be uninsurable? >> we do a little fun -- >> jimmy: what did you do? >> do you really want to know? >> jimmy: yeah. >> wept snow mobiling in a glacier. rappelled into a volcano. it was cool. >> jimmy: i bet. into a volcano? wow, that's just ridiculous. >> beautiful country. >> jimmy: we couldn't be more different. >> want to come on vacation? no. b but if anything happens, god forbid, i know someone who can get you titanium parts. tom cruise. we'll be right back. more than two years ago,

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>> are we going to die? >> no. maybe. >> jack! >> jimmy: there you go. "oblivion" in theatres a week from tomorrow. tom cruise is here. you're a no kidding around movie star. everything you do, you're a movie star. in fact, i have a little something that i would like to challenge for you. >> okay, a challenge with you and me? >> jimmy: this is just a personal challenge for you. i have a series of random lines. and what i would like --

>> things you're just going to pull out of your head. >> jimmy: no, no, they're written down. but i would like you to read them in a dramatic movie star way. >> okay. >> jimmy: can you do that? >> i'll try. i'll do my best. >> jimmy: is there a way to get the soup and the salad? >> okay. is there a way to get the soup and the salad? give me another one. i can do that better i think. >> jimmy: what's your return policy on this panini maker? >> okay. what's the line again?

>> jimmy: what's your return policy on this panini maker? >> what's your return policy on this panini maker. i can do that better. >> jimmy: i'll give you another one. >> april in accounting needs you to update your w2s. >> okay, come on, come on. >> jimmy: april in accounting needs -- >> give me another one. give me another one. >> jimmy: you forgot to include the attachment. >> okay, we'll try that. you forgot to include the attachment. >> jimmy: nice, nice. here's a good one. we can make a movie out of this one.

gentleman, get your none chuumc. it's gopher clubbing time. >> hey, gentlemen. get your numchucks. it's gopher clubbing time. >> jimmy: the movie is called "oblivion." opens a week from tomorrow. tom cruise, everybody! i like to stay connected with friends.

but all that screen time can really dry me out. so i use visine®. ahhh. only visine® has hydroblend, a unique blend of 3 moisturizers... to keep me comfortable for up to 10 hours. visine® with hydroblend. visit us on facebook. [ female announcer ] mccafé your day and sip in some fun. the refreshing mccafé frozen strawberry lemonade and cherry berry chiller are back, but not for long. ♪

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>> still to come, paramere is here.

>> jimmy: after high school, our next guest planned to study psychology at an ivy league university, but decided to become a glitter-flecked pop star instead. it worked out her new tv show "kesha: my crazy beautiful life" premieres april 23rd on mtv. please say hello to kesha. [ applause ] >> hey. how are you? >> jimmy: you look lovely. how are you? >> awesome. >> jimmy: last time you were here, you had blue lipstick or green lipstick? >> it was blue. my signature. >> jimmy: oh, look, there's a picture of us with lipstick on. >> look how cute you are. >> jimmy: it looked like i did something dirty with a smurf. how do you put the glitter on? how do you apply it? >> many different ways. when i first started, i was actually -- i was just young and naive and i used to bathe myself in beer and roll around in it.

and then i started getting a skin rash. so -- >> jimmy: beer becomes adhesive? >> yeah, it worke eworked. but it was fermenting my skin. so then i started using baby oil. now i fill up a bathtub and get all oiled up and then i get in. >> jimmy: really? >> submerge my body. >> jimmy: so this is a great tip for young people if they wanted to do that. wow. and the glitter, doesn't it get in bad places? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: it does? >> yeah. i've had glitter in all the unmentionables. oh, yeah, for sure. and everybody on my tour, we have fun because we compare stories, like, i don't know if i can say this. >> jimmy: you probably can't, but we get the idea. you have a guy who applies the glitter -- a guy in a glitter truck? >> we call him santa. his real name is boot.

>> jimmy: a guy named boot doesn't need a nickname, by the way. >> he just kind of follows me around and makes sure i'm always covered in glitter. it would be a serious disappointment if i was ever seen without it. >> jimmy: so he follows you around and makes sure you're covered in glit teglitter. how does he do that? >> when i get out of the bath he makes sure i'm covered in every inch. >> jimmy: guillermo and i will do that totally for free. >> and me makes sure the audience 1 covis covered inne g. so he loads and locks and makes sure -- >> jimmy: so he has a lot to do.

>> it's all glitter. >> jimmy: this show is a documentary about your life. your brother shot the whole thing? >> yeah. my brother was working at "the fanl times" and before that, npr. all these reputable places. i said let's just go on the road. at first, he was like no. he was very rational. and i was like come on. >> jimmy: and when your brother is the guy with the camera, does it affect the way you behave? >> well, you would think there would be certain things i wouldn't do in front of him. but we have this fun game that whenever i'm making out with a dude, i go ear muchffs and he jt keeps going. >> jimmy: he's filming you making out with a dude? >> lots of dudes. this is the real life as it happens on the road. i mean, there's also some very touching moments. >> jimmy: sounds like those are touching moments, yeah. so he's there with a video

camera. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: maybe that's a good strategy actually. there's only so much you're going to do if your brother is there filming. >> that is not true. you're going to see it all. and that's the crazy thing is because it's my brother, there was no bs. like, it's all real. and a lot of it is me with no makeup. me looking very not glamorous. a lot of things you wouldn't expect to see in other people's documentaries. i was just like, you know, show the real stuff. >> jimmy: your mom is on tour with you much of the time as well. >> yeah. she sure is. you're going to see that. >> jimmy: and what does she do when she's on the road with you? >> she's a pain in the ass mainly. no, she's amazing. she's like my best friend. we write songs together. >> jimmy: which ones? >> on my first record, we wrote the title track "animal" which is a really lovely song. one of my favorite songs. >> jimmy: your mother wrote that with you? >> but then we always get really

weird. we also wrote steven about me stalking a guy. and then we wrote "cannibal" which is about me dismembering men and eating them. >> jimmy: your mother contributed lyrics to that? >> she's more twisted than i am. and then in the show, she'sy be always really excited to wear the penis suit. >> jimmy: what mother wouldn't be? moms. >> oh, mom stories. >> jimmy: so the ex-boyfriend of yours. you wrote a song about him. harold. is that his real name? >> he hates me for that one. >> jimmy: but you kind of stalk him in your show? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i do it all the time whenever i have a couple of extra minutes. >> jimmy: you go by his house? >> yeah. >> jimmy: just sit out there? >> no, i just drive by. >> jimmy: see if there are any cars outside? >> just checking it out. everybody does that.

>> jimmy: not everybody is a multimillionaire pop star. so that is something -- does he mind you do that? he obviously knows you do that. >> i think he's just kind of given up at this point. >> jimmy: that's harold for you. do you have a boyfriend now? >> no. i just have boys around the world. >> jimmy: i have boys around the world. i was actually in a group called boys around the world in high school. i was the vice president. we get together and sing. we had matching polo shirts. it was nice. >> sounds adorable. >> jimmy: no, i wasn't in anything like that. i don't want you to think i'm a nerd. quite the contrary. >> i'm a nerd. >> jimmy: don't you remember, i had the blue lipstick on and all that stuff? >> you're obviously a little bit of a nerd. i was in marching band. >> jimmy: i was, too. what did you play? >> i played the saxophone. >> jimmy: i played the clarinet. >> oh, that's so bad. >> jimmy: i'm not harold.

what are you going to do? this show, it sounds interesting. kesha, the show is called "my crazy beautiful life." it premiers april 23 on mtv. and you're going to be at the mtv movie awards sunday night. when we come back music from paramore.

>> jimmy: their self-titled album is out now here with the song "still into you" paramore. ♪ can't count the years on one hand that we've been together i need the other ♪ ♪ one to hold you make you feel make you feel better it's not a walk ♪ ♪ in the park

to love each other but when our fingers interlock ♪ ♪ can't deny can't deny you're worth it 'cause after all this time i'm still into you ♪ ♪ i should be over all the butterflies but i'm into you and baby even on ♪ ♪ our worst nights i'm into you let 'em wonder how we got this far ♪ ♪ 'cause i don't really need to wonder at all yeah after all this time ♪ ♪ i'm still into you recount the night that i first met your mother and on the drive ♪ ♪ back to my house i told you that i told you that i loved ya you felt the weight ♪

♪ of the world fall off your shoulder and to your favorite song we sang along ♪ ♪ to the start of forever and after all this time i'm still into you i should be over ♪ ♪ all the butterflies but i'm into you and baby even on our worst nights ♪ ♪ i'm into you let 'em wonder how we got this far 'cause i don't really ♪ ♪ need to wonder at all yeah after all this time i'm still into you ♪

♪ some things just some things just make sense and one of those is you and i some things just ♪ ♪ some things just make sense and even after all this time ♪ ♪ i'm into you baby not a day goes by that i'm not into you i should be over ♪ ♪ all the butterflies but i'm into you and baby even on our worst nights ♪ ♪ i'm into you let 'em wonder how we got this far 'cause i don't really ♪

♪ need to wonder at all yeah after all this time i'm still into you i'm still into you i'm still into you ♪ >> paramore. we thanks to tom cruise and kesha. want to apologize to matt damon. ewith ran out of time. "nightline" is next. good night! tonight on "nightline," hot moms inc. from jiselle to gwyneth, seb cel celebrity moms are losing the weight faster than ever. tonight, how their workout secrets are becoming a big business. what the doctor ordered -- burgers fries and sodas. fast food hits the hospital.