tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC April 22, 2013 11:35pm-12:35am PDT
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embarrassing moment this weekend. jennifer lawrence was presenting the advocate of change award to former president clinton and ran into trouble with his name. >> we are happy to present the advocate for change award to president glib -- bill clinton. >> he wasn't listening to a word you were saying. >> jimmy: usually it is him that gets the name of the girl wrong. in a way it's refreshing. hey, you know, starting a new job can be a difficult thing. but this was an especially bad first day of work. this comes from the local nbc affiliate. yesterday it was a.j.'s first day on the air. and unfortunately things went bad starting about one second into the broadcast. >> your news leader in high-definition.
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>> [ bleep ]. >> i'm -- >> you may have seen -- a.j. on -- nbc north dakota news and he will be joining the weekend news team as my coan core. >> i graduates from west virginia university and i'm used to being from the east coast. >> welcome aboard, a.j. >> a fatal atv crash -- >> and by the way, a.j. was fired today. he is a gifted broadcaster. congratulations are in order for kim kardashian and kris humphries. their divorce should be final on june 19th. they were married in 2011 and filed for divorce 72 days later. they say the trouble began when kim asked kris if the jeans made
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her butt look big and he said no. the divorce will divide the couple's assets. kim gets the car the condo, the cutlery, the quilt, the coffee cups, the three cats, cooper, coc cocoa blacky and $27 million in cash. and kris will get k-nothing. >> there is something to be learned from that this. and that lesson is never marry a man who has the same name as your mom. last night the e network aired a one hour special titled ryan seacrest with the kardashian an e news presentation. the word news has never been designed so loosely. ryan seacrest convinced the kardashians to appear on camera
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to pull back the curtain on the world's most private family. they talked about the pregnancy and the weight gain. and now i'm caught up with the kardashians. but kim said she is open to getting married again and this time even for three months. who knows. you know, she is six months pregnant with baby kanye west in her. and i want to help them out. going to a wedding can be an unpleasant experience between the seating arrangements and the banquet food and the rubbery chicken stuff and the long drunken toasts. there is a lot of room for improvement. if you are having a wedding i would like those of you who feel passionately to make a video explaining what you hate about weddings. i would like you to upload it to youtube and entitled hey, jimmy kimmel this is what i hate about
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weddings. one thing i hate about wed suggestion the garter belt ceremony when they sit the bride down and lift the dress up for everyone to see and the groom pulls off the garter belt, sometimes with his teeth. her father is there. it's embarrassing. save that for the honeymoon. title it hey jimmy kimmel this is what i hate about weddings and look for a message from us. don't go on and on. less than 30 seconds for sure and who knows, maybe we'll change the world together. speaking of changing the world, this is from karl's jr. a fast food restaurant chain. they are testing a new dessert. the strawberry pop tart ice cream sandwich. vanilla ice cream between two strawberry pop tarts. i feel like they have been
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reading my dream journal. and the best part is when you buy one of these they automatically give you a medical marijuana card. it comes with it. thank you. in baseball, on saturday the rangers beat the mariners. it was a 5-0 shutout thanks to this helpful glove from a ranger's fan. look at this. >> he's at the wall. good-bye. >> the outfielder tried to make the catch but this guy beat him too it. and the best part i think of it goes right into the gangnam style as if he has been waiting to do that his whole life. here's another amazing feat of athletics at the international
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climb-a-thon. this is an event where people unup and down a mountain on borneo. the hardest thing about a race like this is knowing when to stop. he got a gold medal and a black eye. in oregon, the oregon house of representatives passed a new state law that involves facebook. it's illegal for employers to ask their employees or job applicants for their passwords to their social media accounts. i didn't know that was legal in the first place. the new law is called the vacation feed protection act. it's now illegal for employers to force their employees to like or friend them on facebook. so now if your boss wants to stalk you he has to do it the old fashion wade, from the
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bushes. i don't ask my employees to friend me but i require them to come to my office and show me a picture of what they had for lunch. this is a video sent to me today. this has been around for a while. a guy downloaded a game on to his smart phone. it's a game where bugs crawl across the screen of a phone. he decided to see how a real frog would react to it. this is why animals hate us. >> jimmy: that's what you get. the rise of the planet of the frog.
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believe it or not that isn't the strangest phone related item i have seen today. students in iceland invented an app to help people avoid accidentally dating their relatives. the app will tell them if they are related. incest is a problem in iceland was a there are only 300,000 people in the country. if you need an app to avoid incest, it's time to move, right? the name of the app is -- every icelandic word looks like something your baby typed on your phone. they are running ads to promote it around the world. >> thanks to the app i found out i was about to kiss my second cousin. >> thanks to the app i found out i almost put myself into sex with my aunt. >> thanks to the app i found out
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i have been married to my brother for three whole years. >> i wish we knew about the app sooner. >> because nobody wants to put a baby in his sister. >> that's true. >> jimmy: when we come back, we have a special coachella edition of "lie witness news" plus dennis quaid, abigail spencer and music from portugal. the man tonight. so stick around. ♪ ♪
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>> jimmy: hi there, welcome back. dennis quaid, abigail spencer and music from portugal. the man are on the way. this is a robbery story from new hampshire. this ended poorly for the robber. some thieves will wear mask or diebl the security cameras. and others do the opposite of that. >> new hampshire police have recovered the diamond that was swallowed by a jewelry store robbery suspect last week. he snatched the ring out of the employee's hand but couldn't get out of the locked door. he ate the ring. police took an x-ray which showed the ring in the stomach and waited for nature to take its course. >> jimmy: his fiance had to wait, i guess. will you make me the happiest
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man in the world? all right. give me a minute. the guy didn't get away with the ring. how does it work? what does the store do with it once they get it back? >> lenny's jewelry where luxury meets affordability presents our sweetheart deal of the week, a slightly used ring with a platinum band. sanitized. polished and clean as a whistle. she will love you for it. it's where you go when you want her to say i do, do. >> lenny's jeweler's don't ask where it's been. >> jimmy: this is adorable. my -- i -- i guess this is a dad helping his daughter get buckled into the car seat. the girl's name is august. you will see that august is an independent woman despite the fact she is not a woman at all.
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>> why you by yourself. >> can i help? >> no. >> you want me to help? >> no. thank you. no thank you. >> what you want me to do? >> play by yourself. i do this one. so going to do that. you drive! go drive! >> worry about yourself. >> jimmy: she's going to make a great real housewife some day. one more thing, the coachella valley arts festival wrapped up yesterday. it's out in the middle of the california desert. 60 bands played this year. some big and some not so big. and music fans in general love
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knowing about bands that no one else has heard about. we decided to conduct an experiment. we asked people walking into the venue what they thought of a bunch of bands whose names we made up. these bands are so obscure they do not exist. one name you hear here, we made all the rest up. in a special coachella edition of "lie witness news." >> one of my favorite bands this year is dr. slo-mo and the gi clinic. >> he's amazing. >> i'm exciting to see them live. >> a highlight. >> yeah. >> did you see them at lollapalooza? >> no. >> i'm so mad. >> so mad. >> have you heart of shorty jizzle and the plumber crux. >> they are raw.
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>>t like a com of bob dylan and a polka band. >> are you as excited as i am about the obesity epidemic? >> they are innovative and new. >> two door cinema club. >> they're good. >>. >> do you like their album dj cornmeal. >> i had a radio show in canada and i used to spin them all the time. >> one of my favorite bands is called get the [ bleep ] out of my pool. >> i have heard from my friends that it's not something to miss. not going to miss it. >> one of my favorite things straight out of williamsburg, the chelsea clintons. >> i have heard of them. i do know of their music. >> what did you hear about them? >> just fun. >> what is fun about the chelsea
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clintons? >> they give off good energy. you can feel energy. there are few acts that give you that feeling. >> did you know coachella is the american indian word for dumb white guy. >> really? >> [ bleep ]. >> coachella 2013. >> we love coachella. >> are you excited for regis and the philbins? >> we all are. >> tonight, abigail spencer is here. we have music from portugal. the man and we'll be right back with dennis quaid. ys of walking
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program her critically acclaimed show that airs on the sundance channel is called "rectify" abigail spencer is here. [ cheers and applause ] and then their new album comes out june 4th. it's called "evil friends" portugal. the man from the sony outdoor stage. later this week topher grace will be here, as will kaley cuoco, goran visnjic, from "mythbusters," adam savage and jamie hyneman. and we'll have music from olly murs and depeche mode. join us all this week. our first guest is a very talented actor whose last name is the past-tense of "to quay." you know him from a wheelbarrow full of great movies his last "at any price," opens wednesday in new york and l.a.
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please welcome dennis quaid. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: good to see you. dennis, when i shake your hand i say that is the hand of a man, of a real -- you have a very strong hand. really. you're like a guy. like most of the people that come on to the show, myself included -- >> give you one of these? >> jimmy: they're pretending to be men. but you, i imagine you out there like -- you know, capturing horse thieves. >> just always. >> jimmy: chopping things. >> yeah. somebody's got to do it. >> jimmy: is that accurate? >> no it's not just really accurate at all.
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i'm a six-year-old boy inside, really. >> jimmy: that's illegal. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you have a ranch and everything, right? >> i have a ranch. >> jimmy: it's a real ranch, right? >> i wouldn't call it a real ranch. by but i work cattle. i have cattle i do games with. that's legal, i know that. i have got into cutting horses. i don't know if anybody knows what cutting is. it's like playing football with a cow. >> jimmy: this is not what the teenaged girls at the press do, right? >> there are no teenaged girls. there is a horse and a cow here and he wants to get to his friends here and you're a linebacker and you're a running back and he tries to go around you and your horse is going back
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and forth keeping him from doing that. a good horse will leave you in the air. >> jimmy: this is what we do on the 405 in los angeles. and do you -- why do you do this? just to annoy the cows? >> just because it's fun. what are you going to do? >> jimmy: you're nudging cows all day long. where did you learn to ride a horse? >> basically i rode as a kid. i'm from texas but i didn't ride all that much. hello. we're everywhere, aren't we? but i learned to ride in the movies. you have to put on your resume do you ride horses? of course you say, like the wind. that's what they tell you to do. but i learned to ride in the movies. >> jimmy: in the movies. wow. again, disappointing. and where -- like -- >> i'm here to knock down all
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the myths about myself. i'm a six-year-old kid who plays with cows and likes to ride horses. >> jimmy: but you really are from texas. >> that is true. >> jimmy: that is not a lie. did you start acting right out of school? >> i started at the university of houston there. we're everywhere. >> jimmy: i don't think they really are. i think if we -- i know we have three canadians who are very late for a clippers game here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] there they are. >> they'll make it. believe me. >> jimmy: so you started in the drama. >> and at the same time i was working, you know, being a waiter and -- >> jimmy: all the things that people do. >> several jobs to come to los angeles. >> jimmy: did you get acting jobs to save up money? >> i worked as a clown as astro
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world. >> jimmy: what is that? >> an amusement park across from the astro dome in houston, much like a disney land with rides and shows and things like that. we were put on clown white makeup in 110 degrees and 90% humidity and go out and get kicked by kids. kids don't like clowns all that much. >> jimmy: somebody decided that they do seen though wasn't didn't like them. did you fold balloons? >> no. that was not in my skill set. >> jimmy: did you just stand there? >> we had our clown act. >> jimmy: you did. >> as it were. >> jimmy: do you keep in touch with the clowns? >> i've sort of lost touch with the clowns. a few of the clowns have passed on. we lost a couple on the job. >> jimmy: did you really?
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>> a few made it out alive. >> jimmy: was that a good job to have? >> an excellent job to have. >> jimmy: did you get paid well? >> just about minimum wage and sit in what we called the fire house which was air-conditioned and a bunch of clowns playing poker for our paychecks. it depended on week to week what happened. >> jimmy: a very unsavory childhood that you had. >> right. >> jimmy: did you have a lot of jobs? >> i had a lot of jobs. i was a door to door salesman. i was a fuller brushman. >> jimmy: everybody knows the reference, though. >> you go door to door and sell full boar bristle brushes. >> for cleaning or your hair? >> for your hair.
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and what a pure boar bristle brush is i still don't know. >> jimmy: what is your pitch at the door? >> you are going door to door and usually people just shut their door. so i took to -- i was in texas and had never been to england in my life but neither had the people who answered the door. i would start talking in an english accent. hello, i would like to sell you some pure boar bristle brushes and some tile and grout cleaner. and they would just stand there and listen to me and call their families to the door. oh, my god he's from england. >> jimmy: and did that work? >> it worked a few times. >> jimmy: unbelievable. people love english accents. >> people in texas back in the '70s did.
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>> jimmy: when we come back we will look at dennis's new movie "at any price" that opens in theaters in wednesday. >> the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony. ♪ [ lighter flicking ] [ male announcer ] you've reached the age where giving up isn't who you are. ♪ this is the age of knowing how to make things happen. so, why let erectile dysfunction get in your way?
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today. >> we thought we'd surprise you. >> what do you want? >> who is this? >> who am i? who are you? >> think you can push us around. >> do you have a warrant? >> we are aware of our legal rights. >> let's go inside. >> they don't have a warrant, dad. >> can you ask this person to leave? >> dean. that's enough. stop it! >> jimmy: that is dennis quaid. zack really hates headlights. >> they are getting better and better and harder to break. >> jimmy: he is popular with the young ladies, isn't he? >> yes, he is. is it like doing a movie with elvis. he is a great kid. outside of our hotel room in illinois a lot of girls out there just screaming his name. >> jimmy: did he emerge and make love to them all?
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i mean that is the polite thing to do. >> i had my own bevy of fans from aarp that were out there. will you please come and sign my depends. >> jimmy: i hear the movie is very interesting. and it also talks about something that people don't know about is that seeds and how you are able to patent seeds. >> yes, the chemical companies patent seeds especially corn in the midwest. it's a huge business, multi-billion-dollar business and this is a film that takes place on a farm but it's not a farm movie with the inspirational music playing while the bank is foreclosing on the farm. >> jimmy: it's really good. and roger ebert in one of his last movie reviews gave you a thumb's up. that would be terrible if his
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last review was torching yours. >> i felt honored by it. i revered him. >> jimmy: do you read the reviews and certain critics you respect more than others? >> he was the keeper of the critical faculty in this country. it is disappearing on the internet. >> jimmy: assuming you got a negative review out of him at some point. >> i would imagine. >> jimmy: did you ever read it and go, he's right? >> yeah, i probably felt he was right. >> jimmy: beforehand. i got you. congratulations on the movie, "at any price" opens in theaters on wednesday. we'll be right back with abigail spencer. it's our seafood dinner for two for just 25 dollars!
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it has nothing to do with sun on dancing. but it's getting great reviews. her show is called "rectify" it airs monday nights at 10. please welcome abigail spencer. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: where are you from? >> from gulfbreeze, florida. >> jimmy: where is that? >> on the panhandle right at alabama and florida borderline. floribama if you will. >> like ore-ida is a combination of oregon and idaho. >> i didn't know that. >> jimmy: your dad was a professional surfer? >> yeah. a five time u.s. champion. >> jimmy: wow. maybe that's not good. was that good growing up? did you surf also?
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>> i surfed when i was three. he thought i was going to be a world-famous surfer. but the clincher is he married a woman, my mother, who did not like the beach. and she begged my father, she can't get skin cancer and instead of surfing he put me in dance class and called it land surfing. >> jimmy: did your mom work? >> i was her job. i'm a handful. slathering me with sunscreen and taking me to dancing. >> jimmy: is it true you were discovered by regis and kathie lee? >> i was in the audience. my father new kathie lee when he was a surfer. she was junior miss and he was east coast champion surfer. they met then and kept in touch and i'm 17 going to new york to audition for theater schools.
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and when i was there at my auditions i sat in the audience and met her and she talked to me on the show and the casting director saw the live feed and she called the casting director and i had a meeting the next day and was cast on the show. >> jimmy: which show? >> yeah, "all my children". >> jimmy: wow, you're one of the children. do you give kathie lee a cut? >> everything. >> jimmy: she is very nice, isn't she? >> she's lovely. amazing to me. >> jimmy: it was a nice thing for her to do. >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is from "all my children" an advertisement. i think i remember this. why did this -- i remember these were bus signs. >> they were. >> jimmy: why did they put virgin on there? >> it's based on my real life, so -- they just wanted it to
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display it to the world. i got a lot of play after that. >> jimmy: your character was a virgin. >> the two guys on the show were trying to deflower her. she is from pigeon hollow. i'm walking through the woods singing "this kiss" on my walkman and my mother was excite idea was playing this whole system character but the day my mother was in the studio i was dressed head to toe in a dominatrix costume. >> jimmy: like most virgins. >> i was working at a beauty parlor and trying to get more people in or something like that. but i didn't know my mother was there. and there was a hubbub on the other side of the steed studio and my mother was starting to freak out. and she is like my daughter is going to hell what did you do to her? she was running to makeup and hair.
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what did you do to my pure daughter. >> jimmy: it's kathie lee's fault. >> yeah. >> jimmy: is your mother very religious? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay. so this is not a good thing. >> i would say she is spiritual and there is a religion and i'm her daughter. >> jimmy: did you go to church before coming a dominatrix virgin? >> had to get a lot of training. >> jimmy: your dad as a professional surfer that seems -- did he have -- >> a band of merry men? >> jimmy: yeah, surfers have -- everything is a flop house right? >> they travel in packs. i remember the one particular friend that stands out he had this great friend who is sea dog. he is 6'4" who did tao e kwon d. and he was the d.j. for the sand crab races.
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>> jimmy: the what? >> he is like come down to the sand crab races and he would go into the whole thing. and he was a surfer. >> jimmy: uncle sea dog. what is a sand crab race? >> it's the sand crabs from the beach they put them in a sand pit and they go around in a circle. it's kind of like a cockfight. >> jimmy: they're not killing each other, though, right? do you pick one? >> they put a little color on them and he names them all. i didn't participate much in that. >> jimmy: you can't be a virgin if you have crabs, i guess, right. maybe you can. i don't know. can you call somebody and find out? congratulations on the show. i know it's getting great reviews. first show for the sundance channel. and that's exciting i would think. >> it's been incredible, the
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response and how the script came to me. >> jimmy: by mail. >> mail! >> jimmy: what is the idea of the show? >> a man has been locked away for 20 years and is exonerated on a technicality. they find dna evidence and he comes back to earth and his family and my character has been fighting for his freedom has to adjust to this man who may or may not be innocent back into society. it is beautifully written. the creator is one of the most beautiful artists i have worked with. >> jimmy: the show is "rectify." it airs monday nights at 10:00 p.m. on the sundance channel. when we come back music from portugal. the man. >> the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony.
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oh-oh-oh when i grow up i wanna be ♪ ♪ a rich-kid born celebrity it's not greed but necessity now i don't focus ♪ ♪ on the hopeless when i look out it's only for me all i wanna do is ♪ ♪ live in ecstasy i know what's best for me i can't help it it's this hopeless itch ♪ ♪ i just wanna feel wanna feel purple yellow red and blue i just wanna be evil ♪ ♪ i just wanna be evil wanna be evil wanna be evil i just wanna be evil ♪ ♪ i just wanna be evil i just wanna be evil wanna be evil wanna be evil ♪
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>> jimmy: portugal. the man their album comes out june 4th. >> jimmy: i want to thank dennis quaid, abigail spencer. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. nightline is next. good night! tonight on "nightline" the suspect speaks. the 19-year-old alleged boston bomber reportedly telling investigators how he and his brother learned to build bombs and why they hit the marathon. tonight, a strange odyssey into radicalism, drugs, and unsolved murders. it's a "nightline" exclusive. moment of crisis. from stun grenades to a robot. the tactics used to stop a susp
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