"jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- martin short, leah remini, and music from zac brown band with cleto and the cletones. and now, no doubt about it, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. very nice. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. it is great to have you here.

hey, who is ready to blast their abs like they've never been blasted before? i tell you it was an historic day in the world of sports. in the new issue of shorts illustrated, jason collins became the first active athlete from a major american sport to come out of the closet today. he wrote an article in sports illustrated. he said i'm 34 year old nba center, i'm black, and i'm gay. for those who don't follow sports, this is like a contestant on project runway coming out as straight. and he said i've endured years of misery and gone to enormous lengths to live a lie. most people were fooled.

but i got suspicious when i heard he only had two illegitimate kids. that's low for the nba. that's courageous. i look forward to the day when all nba players can come out as gay whether they are or not. meanwhile in the nfl, the new york jets cut quarterback tim tebow this morning. the coach said unfortunately thinks did not work out as we hoped. and they traded him to herman sporting goods store for talcum powder and a whistle. he went on twitter and blamed jesus for being cut. he said it's a two way street, pal. he leaves the jets with one notable statistic. but he set the single season record for least sex by a new york quarterback.

so he made his mark. one of my favorite athletes, mike tyson is making the rounds. he had an interview with howard stern my favorite part is when he talked about the west vile nirus instead of the west nile virus. >> let's look at a press conference when you were in a black outfit. >> he pushed me. boom, i missed him. that was a good shot. he tried to get me. >> it was just chaos. >> what do you remember from that? >> i should have been tazed that day. >> jimmy: that year, maybe. very honest. i think the face tattoo has mellowed him out. good news for travellers on

friday, congress rushed a bill through to allow the faa to bring air t controllers back as part of a mandatory government spending cut the faa was forced to cut hours for air traffic controllers as of last night the air traffic controllers were back just on time for congress to go on vacation this week. amazing what they can accomplish when an issue affects them directly. the legislation was held up because the letter "s" was missing from one of the words in the bill. the senate was planning to fix it on tuesday. only three days to fix it. it was in the title of the bill. you can see why they had to fix that. here's -- not a big story but it caught my attention. a woman from little rock, arkansas has been having

plumbing problems and her landlord refuses to fix her toilet and drastic times call for drastic measures. >> diane says that the toilet in her rental house has been backing up into the bathroom and kitchen sink she has been going to the bathroom outside in five gallon buckets. >> someone coming through there and seen my butt. that wouldn't be looking good. they would be calling the sheriff on me claiming indecent disposal. >> jimmy: technically she had that wrong but technically in a way she also had it right. check her out on her new a and e reality show bucket poopers. that would be a hit, right? ellen john is revealed that the

god son of his son is lady gaga. elton john said we want him to live in an egg with her. she issed to go mother to their first son, zachary. the kid actually requested her by name. by the way, i want to give credit where credit is due. unlike a lot of celebrities, elton john named his kids zack and elijah. i think that shows a lot of restraint. there is a new internet trend called baby mugging. you hold a coffee mug in between your camera and your baby to make it look like your kid is in the mug. like that. here's another one. this is -- you tell the kid is from boston because the mug and

he lookings like he to punch his father in the mouth. you can also put your baby in a teacup. this is good. this is a side view of baby mugging. he has his own spoon to stir himself. and if you are adventurous you can mug your baby head first. isn't that fun? i have been working on my own version it's called baby stuffing. it's like baby mugging but instead of a mug you use a turkey and instead of a baby we used guillermo here. like a reverse pinata. i have another idea called shortchanging. where you try to get a picture of martin shortchanging. -- martin short changing. we have a camera outside martin's dressing room.

it's very quiet. >> no! oh, my goodness. get going! oh -- >> we got it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: if you see martin short, try to get his pants off him. here's a disturbing bit of progress, microsoft is allowing video gamers to order pizza directly from the xbox. usually they had to yell for their mom to make them a sandwich. but not now thanks to the create your pizza app. you can place an order using your controller. please don't tell michelle

barack obama about this. xbox will not stop until humans and coheece i tried to order pizza from my atari and it was a disaster. and now the pizza is on the way with no effort at all. >> the hut's most epic creation yet. the dinner box hands free smoothie tubers. you get five pizzas, four orders of bread sticks with cinnamon sticks and dipping sauce. one generous pile of goodness blended into a food tube. choose your topping and side and dinner is served. for a limited time get door to couch delivery free. the pizza hut extreme gamer double crust dinner box hands free smoothie tubers. may cause everything, united

states residents only, not valid in the united states. >> a special they will never leave the house again. when we come back we will investigate a crime. on friday just outside our theater a man stole a bag containing $6,000 in cash. no suspects have been named all we know is the thief was dressed as spider-man. so tonight we rounded up all the spidermen in the neighborhood. when we come back i'll get back to this. when we get back, we'll have martin short, leah remini and music from the zac brown band. don't move, ever. we'll be right back. don't scratch it kid. [ crunch ] ♪ get low now! ♪

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>> jimmy: martin short, leah remini and zac brown band are here. but before we get to that i have important local business to take care of. on friday morning a crime of superhuman proportions was committed. here's the local nbc news with the story. >> the crime occurred friday morning. an 89-year-old man left the company hollywood office carrying $6,000 in cash and credit card receipts. a man dressed as spider-man ripped the bag out of the hands of the elderly man and went running. the round up ended up with no arrest. the suspect has not been caught. >> has anyone checked his aunt's

house? >> jimmy: police are hoping that the public can help solve the crime. they released a sketch of the suspect. if you see this man. please call your authorities. and it's a funny story but for our friends at star line tours this is no joke. they work hard driving people from out of town driving people around tall closed gates around houses where celebrities haven't lived for 40 or 50 years. i brought a few of our friendly neighborhood spidermen in for questioning. what are your names? >> spider-man. >> spider-man one. >> irarachanoid.

>> dwere any of you involved? >> i saw this new guy come out in a new spider-man costume. he bought the cheap one at the hollywood costume place. they probably have him on tape there. he put on the costume just to do this job. i saw him hanging out there watching. he trying to make money. he was a fat little spider-man. come on. i'm going to be captain america from now on. >> you are thinking of changing characters because of this? >> i was captain america. i gave up on spider-man two weeks ago. >> jimmy: yes, i agree. now this fat spider-man we have a photograph of a spider-man. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't know if this is the guy. was he wearing sneakers? >> gray shoes and gray gloves.

>> jimmy: this spider-man was bit by a radioactive gordita. this is not one of the regular characters down there? >> no it was not. >> jimmy: have any of you been arrested? >> no, i have not. >> hell yeah. >> jimmy: what were you arrested for? >> everything. >> jimmy: if you see the criminal spider-man will you help to capture him? >> i saw him running with the bag of money. >> jimmy: you didn't do anything? >> i'm not the real spider-man, i'm fake. >> i'm real. i'm number one. >> jimmy: i believe captain america, wonder woman, some of the other characters said they would be look out for him and attempt to catch him. that was their mission. >> yes, i think so. but he's not going to come back out here again. he put on the costume just to

pull the job. >> jimmy: you seem to know an awful lot about this spider-man. do you think this is a spider-man racial profiling. you got handcuffed, too? >> i think it was an inside job. >> jimmy: we know you're innocent, i guess. as i mentioned some of the other heroes said they were prepared to catch spider-man. and so what we've done is we did an experiment. i wanted to see if any of them would do anything if they saw him. so we hired a guy to dress up like spider-man and run down hollywood boulevard with two sacks of cash just to see how our makeshift justice league would react. they have been talking to the news about all the things they would do if they spot this guy. here's how this went.

that's our spider-man. we marked the money with dollar signs like in the cartoons. as he runs by chewbacca. elmo. the incredibles guys. spongebob. darth vader. a storm trooper just looks on. he's a bad guy. that makes sense. supergirl does nothing. supergirl two does nothing. he continues running down the street. not a soul stops him. and look, the guy from star line tours now goes after him and suddenly, spider-man is on the run. he's not giving up either. oh, now mr. incredible gets involved. and there's trouble. and he's sodomized by spongebob.

wow. there you go. the unlikeliest of heroes. we have a good show tonight. leah remini is here. we have music from zac brown band and right back with martin short. stick around. ♪

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>> jimmy: hello, there. tonight on the program -- her new show is called "family tools." it premieres wednesday here on abc. leah remini is here. and then, this is their album, "uncaged." zac brown band from the sony outdoor stage. zac brown's southern ground music and food festival is coming to nashville on september 27th and 28th. tomorrow night, jon favreau will be here, gabourey sidibe will be with us and we'll have music from band of horses. and later this week, robert downey, jr., who i'm told now may not come. we'll see. pierce brosnan, greta gerwig, our friend science bob pflugfelder and we'll have music from alice russell and the airborne toxic event. our first guest is -- and i think he would agree with this statement -- one of the funniest people alive. you know from his work. please give a big welcome to martin short. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: how you doing? >> i'm very good. very good. how are you, jimmy? >> jimmy: very good. >> or as they call you on nbc the other jimmy. >> jimmy: it's better than the fat jimmy. >> i was looking a it the monologue and thinking you are corseted during the monologue. >> jimmy: corsets are for old people, i use spanx. >> you are a pro. you come out here. you're funny. you're free. and you know, just five minutes before he came out he found out that leno is coming to abc

and -- >> jimmy: what? >> 12:30 is going to be fun. >> jimmy: where do you stand on that? >> i love jay. >> jimmy: why don't i believe that? would you be willing to submit to a polygraph test. >> what is your beef with jay leno. >> jimmy: that's his thing. that's not my thing. we have -- >> you guys first of all you are all so rich. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but i would say of all the people i have a fake show business relationship with, i feel -- i feel fake closeness to you. i really do. >> jimmy: that's nice. that makes me happy. >> this is a very brave man, you know, when everyone is going, you know, coming out for gay marriage he stands with the pope and says too soon. i think that's fantastic.

>> jimmy: i always stand with the pope. you have to stand with the pope. >> i was at the papal inaugural. >> jimmy: you were? >> it was great. but you should have seen the "vanity fair" party afterwards. >> jimmy: you like the new pope? >> i love the new pope. >> jimmy: what do you like about him? >> well, i think -- first of all, he's argentinian. he's a secelebate who loves to tango. he's a man of the people. he says he will not wear fur on his cape. it's true. >> jimmy: no fur on the cape. >> unless he has lady gaga tickets. >> jimmy: is that right? you, by the way -- we do have something in common and we share

a keyboard player. he tours with you. >> we were just in detroit in the opera house. >> jimmy: what can people see when they see you live with jeff playing keyboard, what are you doing? >> i am on a cash run. >> jimmy: is this just for money? a money thing you do? >> no, because i love the people. >> jimmy: like the pope. what goes on at this show? >> i do characters. it's a party with marty. and it is always -- because a lot of it is improvised. you just don't know what you're doing. you're faking it and sometimes you go -- we were in detroit and i was doing all these chris christie jokes. and everything was going fine. if he becomes president he will be the first oval in the oval office and it's all fine and then i'm on the stool and i lift up the stool and i say i haven't

lifted a stool this heavy since chris christie's nurse phoned in sick. they hated me. i lost them in a second. >> jimmy: the people are starting to turn on the chris christie fat jokes. >> they like him. his popularity is surging faster than his cholesterol. >> jimmy: how long have you been doing this? >> tonight is my 40th anniversary in show business. >> jimmy: is it? >> thank you! >> jimmy: that is remarkable. >> not true. but look at the reaction. >> jimmy: you started doing stand up comedy? >> i never did -- i didn't do stand up. >> jimmy: what did you do? >> well, i did -- i'm a singer and dancer and second city

improvising. stand up was not my forte. i did it one time in 1978, truthfully. >> jimmy: what happened? >> i left second city and a friend of mine carole pope had a punk rock group called rough trade which was rush limbaugh's nickname in high school. >> jimmy: another fat guy they don't laugh about. >> he's a good guy. she said would you like to open for me? i thought, sure. i whipped up material and thought i would be the thinking man stephen hawking and be profound and switch anagrams around. and i didn't want people to laugh as much as they would go exactly. meanwhile i'm playing to people in chaps and jock straps and they carved rough trade. i hadn't judged the audience. >> jimmy: did they like you? >> they are booing and screaming

and i hadn't left the house yet. thank you! you tell me if you had a stroke, wouldn't you? it was horrible. i came out ♪ ♪ what's a nice country like you -- and they are booing and bleeding. two people were dressed as my deceased parents. it was -- one guy was dressed as a priest and he was a priest. it was a rough crowd. and at one point i had this joke. because at the time, the mayor of toronto was half irish and half jewish. and i said that you know, i'm irish and my family is from cross ford glen and we have a name for someone who is half irish and half jewish. we call him a jew.

and a guy -- thought i was being anti-semitic and he threw a beer right in my face and i went i don't need no light beer. good night, everybody. and i left. and carole pope came back and was crying. and she said tomorrow will be different. and i said yes, because i'm not going to be here. >> jimmy: martin short is here. we'll be right back. ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony. [ male announcer ] you've reached the age where giving up isn't who you are. ♪ this is the age of knowing how to make things happen. so, why let erectile dysfunction get in your way? talk to your doctor about viagra. 20 million men already have. ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. do not take viagra if you take nitrates for chest pain;

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>> jimmy: we are back. leah remini and zac brown band are on the way. martin short is here with us. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: your three best friends in show business as far as i understand are -- >> ben vereen -- >> jimmy: i wasn't thinking ben vereen. i was thinking steve martin -- >> yes! >> jimmy: paul shafer. >> yes! >> jimmy: and chevy chase. >> chevy is a great friend but number three i think is eugene levy. and katherine o'hara and the

chas of "cheers". >> all ahead. >> shelly long when she gets on a roll. >> jimmy: i enjoy watching you and paul shafer together. you have a lot of history together. >> he was an usher at my wedding. he looks to me like -- paul looks like a prom chaperone from the future. >> jimmy: in what way? >> i don't know. he looks like the world's hippest thumb. his head is a perfect light bulb. from a distance he looks like a hip suit has an idea. i met paul in "godspell" in 1972 and we became close friends. in 1974 i was doing a play in ontario, 40 miles west. fortune in men's eyes.

and it was a drama and we were prisoners and i played rocky and i was really bad in it. i couldn't remember lines and i was just -- i knew i was bad. it was just horrible. and paul came in. for the opening night with gilda radner, who i was dating at the time and eugene. paul mainly wanted to go to this fabulous restaurant shak shakespeares. he said did you make reservations? i had. good luck in the play. we are going right after? yes, we are. it was a prison drama and the director felt that it was hip to as the audience would come in. we prison mates were in our

underwear and i had no character but self conscious in the underwear and i see paul come down to the lip of the stage as i'm walking around. we are not supposed to acknowledge the audience and he goes psst marty. i'm not looking at him. he says shakespeares is closed. he says, just blink if bavarian steakhouse makes sense. >> jimmy: of course it does. >> he's also among all the joy of his comedy, the most brilliant, brilliant musician imaginable. wouldn't you say, boys? >> jimmy: there is no one i enjoy on the show more than you. it's great to see you.

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with one hand he can roll down 10 windows plus the partition. everhing he does tax wri. and he eats the liquid gold of velveeta shells and cheese. eat like that guy you know.

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>> jimmy: welcome back. zac brown band is on the way. our next guest spent nearly a decade as the "queen of queens." now, she has a new called show "family tools," which premieres wednesday night at 8:30 here on abc. please say hello to leah remini. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hi. >> jimmy: good to see you. >> you look really good. >> jimmy: that's nice to say. you look great too. >> what are you doing? >> jimmy: starving. we are both from brooklyn originally. >> yes. >> jimmy: both of our families are relocated here? >> one is in minnesota but she

is married. so -- >> jimmy: you have to break that marriage up. >> yeah. it will take time. >> jimmy: who is out here? >> my mother and family work for me. similar to you. >> jimmy: right. >> we have nobody really working for us. >> jimmy: what does your mom do for you? >> she is supposed to be my house manager which consists of her sid assisting around and doing sudoku in our backyard. i don't know what action you get. i'm a noncelebrity in my house. it doesn't matter what i do. but i get this i think i raised you girls, i think i've done enough! >> jimmy: and you can't like fire her. >> i fired her a hundred times. she's like i think not.

when she does the sudoku in an my backyard. i don't think so. >> jimmy: she's in your house at all times? >> all times. my little sister is my assistant. people make up stories when they come on shows to be funny. but this is true. my little sister she is freckle faced and blond. we don't know where she came from. my mother did a lot of drugs. but she is adorable and i consider her my baby. there are a lot of years between us. i will say shannon i need you to send an e-mail and i will go did you send it and she will say i forgot and she starts crying. and i'm like go home and walk your dog. i have non-people. >> jimmy: and no people backing them up? >> everybody backs them up. and everybody backs them up.

do you believe my mother with the attitude. i go other places and it's yes, no, and they get things done. i don't get anything. i get the hell out of here. she wanted to come tonight. she is like i want to go to jimmy kimmel and she has a crush on somebody. >> jimmy: with celebrities. >> then i'm -- can she call them? >> jimmy: does she embarrass you in front of people? >> that's the way she is. the thing is my mother is funny. i wouldn't have things to talk about if it wasn't for her. >> jimmy: she gets away with things. >> she will grab your stuff. she will go she will go to grab your stuff. you know what i mean? and you will be like whoa, or if you try to top her because you are a comic and you think let me push it and she will grab your stuff. >> jimmy: she has no boundaries.

>> i have friends who will pull down their pants at a party and she will try to pull their underwear off? i'm like my mother will grab your stuff. >> jimmy: maybe this is where your freckle faced sister came from. one of these parties. >> you're probably right. >> jimmy: you know what, my parents are embarrassing sometimes but my mother has never actually reached out and grabbed a man's genitals. not even my father's. never. >> you came along so obviously once. >> jimmy: there were blindfolds involved and rosary beads. i don't know how that happened. wow. so that's a bad situation. so you must be very happy to get back to work. >> tonight i was leaving my house and my daughter says why do you look so pretty? eight years old. and i go i'm going on a show, it's jimmy kimmel. she goes i'll tape it and she

goes -- i'm not joking. let me write something for you. >> jimmy: this is real. >> this happens every day in my life. >> jimmy: she gives you notes. can i look at it? >> this is a note for me. don't do this or don't wear this. >> jimmy: can we hold this up? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: let's read this along. >> she writes for jimmy's show. the handwriting is good. don't point out the spelling thing. she will get upset. say that i'm so funny and that i'm not cheesy like grandma vicky. my mother's laughing. because we all know she's getting close to that age and btw, she says, this is not my best handwriting, oh! and i'm a natural comedian and i'll be watching. so good luck. >> jimmy: wow. that's impressive. >> isn't that cute. >> jimmy: she's four years old?

>> eight. >> jimmy: not as impressive, then. >> she's impressive. >> jimmy: i wish she was here instead of you. that's good, right? so the new show, i think it will be a little bit strange to see you not with kevin james. >> i know. >> jimmy: a strange thing. >> did you give that crap to kevin when he was here with other women? >> jimmy: he's not on another tv show. >> if it's a movie it's okay. >> jimmy: if you are on television you feel like you know these people especially on "king of queens" i'm from that area of the world and relate to it. >> i agree. >> jimmy: but you have gone and are cheating on him, i guess. >> i know people feel this way. i didn't necessarily want to. he drew first blood. he went and hired someone named what? salma hayek. >> jimmy: yeah. >> am i sweating by the way?

>> jimmy: a little. >> does it look like sexy sweat? >> jimmy: you're glistening. it's not sweat. we'll take a break and we'll get your great aunt the makeup artist to combat you down a little bit. leah remini, we'll be right back with zac brown band. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony. >> jimmy: this is their grammy winning album, "uncaged." here with the song, "jump right in," zac brown band. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ the southern wind sings again an island lullaby ♪

♪ baby powder beach under my feet has got me rolling ♪ ♪ and the breeze through crackling leaves like a daytime campfire burning ♪ ♪ and the ship is off to sea and the wake is a churning ♪ ♪ as the southern wind sings again an island lullaby ♪ ♪ you can jump right in let the music pull you in you can jump right in oh and lose yourself again ♪ ♪ as the southern wind sings again an island lullaby ♪ ♪ ♪ there's a place the locals go and no one knows where to find it ♪ ♪ and the river starts to flow inside the clouds of misty mountain ♪

♪ the water from this stone below ♪ ♪ becomes a blue-green fountain as the southern wind sings again an island lullaby ♪ ♪ you can jump right in let the music pull you in you can jump right in oh and lose yourself again ♪ ♪ as the southern wind sings again an island lullaby ♪ ♪ la-la-la-la la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ ♪ you can find me where the music meets the ocean if you get the notion ♪