. >> from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, pierce brosnan, greta gerwig and music from alice russell with cleto and the cletones. and now, face the facts, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming. i want to start the show off

with some good news. i went to the dentist this morning and my teeth are perfect. no cavity, no decay. my gums are pink and beautiful. everyone in the dentist's office came by to just admire my mouth. i even went room to room to talk to the other patients about their teeth. you know, some people get their teeth whitened, i have mine blackened just so i can fit in with the rest of everyone else. that's how white they are. on my way out, my dentist tried to give me a little bag with the floss and a toothbrush and a little tube of colgate. i said save this for someone who needs it. and then i got in my car and i drove to work smiling the whole way so everyone could enjoy my beautiful teeth. you're welcome. speaking of perfect teeth,

martha stewart is on the prowl. have you heard about this? martha stewart is on math.com now. couldn't martin stewart make her own boyfriend out of paper ma shea? she's 71, looking for a man between 55 and 70. not looking to have kids. what 70-year-old woman is looking to have kids. look all you want, it ain't happening. she says she's a fan of the symphony, opera and rap. i like that. she spent three months in prison and all of a sudden she's tupac listening to rap. what kind of rap does she like? gift wrap. she's looking for someone intelligent, established and curious and relishes adventure. everyone wants adventure. and then there's a bug in the bathroom and she schemes bloody murder. this isn't easy. this is a multimillionaire who still makes her her own scotch tape out of plastic wrap and

rubber cement. it's why we're so successful with the bachelor and bachelorette. we ran all her information, we developed an alga rhythm for this and we determined the best match is wesley snipes. everything she's looking for. unfortunately wesley snipes is married. we looked again to find someone who's single, successful, likes kids, age appropriate, athletic and know what is it's like to go through a scandal. i think we were able to find the right man. arnold schwarzenegger. wouldn't that be a great couple? now go forward and make beautiful hasta la vista babies going forward. in venezuela last night, they

had a big fight in parliament. a fistfight. their recent presidential election did not go smoothly and i wish we had this here. i would watch a lot more c-span if we had this here, i tell you. everybody got in on it. one guy even got a black eye. >> translator: he told me i look like george castanza so i hit him. and then he hit me. everyone is in sports jacket. for some reason he seems to be wearing some kind of professional wrestling costume. it's captain south america. look at him biting. so at least their politicians are doing something. here's another example of violence abroad. normally wh enwe give out our

award of excellence for reporting, we do it sarcastically, but this time the reporter earned it. this is how they handle goof balls in pakistan. [ speaking foreign language ] >> jimmy: it's smackistan. i would like to see anderson cooper do that every once in a while. donald truch is speaking out finally. he wrote this on his facebook page. he said i have a lot of apple stock and i miss steve jobs. tim cook the ceo of apple must immediate pli increase the size of an iphone. they better get it right fast or they'll lose a lot of business. we also wants to replace siri with the voice of gary bucci.

donald trump turns 71 next month. i think this is his way of telling his wife malaria he wants an ipad for his birthday. some nature photographers got shots of a rare venomous insect ca called flannel moth. they're calling it the donald trump moth for obvious reasons. >> gary, you're fired. go ahead. thank you. >> that's how gary bucci sees everyone, by the way. here's another amazing animal. this clip is going to make you mad at your dog. a clever pet owner must have

been tired taking their dog for a walk so he or she trained it to do this. >> the dog puts the seat down. must be she, i guess. hops up on the -- and goes to the bathroom. but we're not done yet. no. that's right. wait, you forgot to wash your paws. is that great or what. you could do that with your chihuahuas. but they would go in and we would never see them again. the dodgers beat the rockies last night. a lot of excitement in the fourth inning when psy, the gangnam style guy showed up. i want you to pay special attention to tommy lasorda, on the left side of your screen. ♪

♪ >> jimmy: tommy is more of a lady gaga kind of guy. he's not interested. here's a product, this is something some of the men in our audience might be interested in, but probably not. an us a train yal company is launching a line of women's lingerie for men. this is a photo from their website. the woman -- this is real. she can't even pretend what she's looking at isn't ridiculous. the line includes padded bras,

teddyes and thongs with names like forget me not, jungle fever and mulan rouge. it's the perfect gift for the man in your life who has another secret man in his life. i was googling men's lingerie for work, for anyone at my company. they're so confident that this will be a big seller, they're even running commercials on network television for it. >> honey. wow, you look so sexy. i wish they had something like that for me. >> they do. they have lingerie made for men. >> wow, that looks sexy and comfortable. >> it is. i wish they made something like that for women. >> introducing women's lingerie

for men for women. >> i wish i had something like that. >> for men. >> hey! >> stop it. >> for women. >> love this. >> victor's secret. women's lung ray for men. for men. and women. and men. >> available at walgreen's. >> jimmy: they have everything, they really do. when we come back, we're going to find out kids eat their boogers. sometimes we educate as well as entertain. don't go away. [ children shouting ]

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they'd stop fighting all the time? i don't know. i think they kind of like fighting. come on! ♪ [ male announcer ] the windows phone nokia lumia 920. engadget's readers choice smartphone of the year. ♪ he can talk to china, mongolia and all the koreas and he eats velveeta shells and cheese. so who are you calling amateur? liquid gold. eat like that guy you know. and be good for your face? [ female announcer ] now there's new neutrogena® naturals acne cleanser. acne medicine from the wintergreen leaf treats breakouts. no parabens or harsh sulfates. for naturally clear skin. [ female announcer ] neutrogena® naturals. for naturally clear skin. start making now. because this week only, at craftsman days, find assorted craftsman products at our lowest prices ever. from your garage to your lawn, you'll find what you need to get started, all at sears. let the making begin.

>> jimmy: welcoming welcome. this is remarkable. an elementary school in new york is the first public school is in america to serve vegetarian meals only, no meat. hard hardly any energy to clap. it's part of an initiative mayor bloomberg calls you'll get your meat back when you learn how to read.

this is what one of the lunches look like. i recognize the banana. that's celery and carrots. i don't know what the rest of the stuff is. ps 244 is in plushing, which is exactly what they'll be doing with that lunch. there's one kid the a tat the s with a locker full of sla lambmy that's going to become a mul multimillionaire. the only vegetarian school in america. the bullies force you to take their lunch money from them. here's another story about healthy eating. a biochemistry professor at the university of saskatchewan is conducting a study to determine if eating your own boogers is good for you. the mucus in our noses traps germs. he believes eating boogers can help build immunity to them. he based this on his daughter

who eats snot. thanks, dad. usually we asked adult, but we asked people on a street a question and try to guess what the answer will be. do you eat your burgeroogerboog. we will all try to guess if they do or not. okay? let's begin. >> what's your name and how old are you, sir? >> i'm ty and i'm 11 years old. >> and do you eat your boogers? >> jimmy: most everyone is saying no. there are about four yeses. let's see. >> no. never. >> jimmy: as if he would be telling the truth anyway, right? who else do we have here? >> what's your name and how old are you? >> my name is t.j. and i'm 4 years old. >> and do you eat your boogers?

>> jimmy: everyone says yes. what's he say? >> no. >> what's it taste likes? >> it tastes like -- >> jimmy: who else? >> what's your name and how old? >> alexi. >> how old? >> 9. >> and do you eat your boogers? >> jimmy: we're halfway down the middle with this one. >> yeah. >> jimmy: he could be our president one day. except he just admitted he eats boogers on tv. >> what's your name and how old are you? >> my name is kaitlyn and i'm 5. >> and have you ever eaten your

boogers? >> jimmy: the eyes are a tell. let's see what kaitlyn says. >> i ate a tomato. >> yeah. not the same thing, but i'll take it. tomatoes are delicious. with a little booger on it. >> ewww. >> jimmy: all right, next kid. what's your name and how old are you? >> my name is kellen and i'm 7 years old. >> do you eat your boogers? >> jimmy: the eyes when they look away from the camera. it's -- all right. >> no. >> maybe once or twice? >> yeah. >> how often do you eat your boogers? probably every day. >> do it now.

get in there. pick your nose. >> no. >> you can't pick your friend's nose. >> i know. >> booger glove, represent. >> jimmy: all right we have one more. >> i'm from baltimore and my name is julius. >> great. and do you eat boogers? >> jimmy: the audience says yes. >> no. >> jimmy: but he's a cute kid, though, isn't he? we have a good show for you tonight. greta gerwig is here, music from alice russell. we'll be right back with pierce brosnan. [ humming ] that was quick. this was you. hm?

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, her new film is called "frances ha." greta gerwig is here. and then with music from her new album called "to dust", all the way from the uk, alice russell will be live on the sony stage. we've got a great show for you tomorrow night. the unbelievable mel brooks will be here, our friend science bob

pflugfelder will dazzle and endanger us with chemistry and physics, and we'll have music from the airborne toxic event. it is a testament to our first guest's grit, determination and acting prowess that he has been able to overcome the handicap of his unfortunate outward appearance to become a respected member of his profession. you know him from many films, his latest "love is all you need" opens in select theaters friday, please say hello to pierce brosnan. [ applause ]

>> jimmy: how you doing? >> i'm doing well, jimmy. i'm doing well. >> jimmy: i heard we had a little issue backstage? >> a little issue. i like to wear a suit. i forgot my pants. these are jimmy's pants. >> jimmy: i love that. i've never been more delighted. they actually fit and everything. >> brother from another mother. >> jimmy: you're welcome to my pants anytime. >> anyway, i had a little bit of a meltdown there. >> jimmy: last time you were here, you had a twitter account. you had 10,000 followers. you only tweeted two times. now it's two years later. you have 33,000 followers, a

those still two tweets. >> there you go. less is more. >> jimmy: whatever you're doing is working. >> i don't know -- >> jimmy: are you aware you have a website? >> i have a website. i do know about the website. the website was created well, you know, because you have a business, you have a life to live and stuff like this. and it seems to be the thing to do. >> jimmy: well, there's some fun stuff on the website, too. some of your paintings. i was not aware that you're a painter. >> yeah. i started as a painter. i jumped oit of school when i was -- that was one of the very first pieces, really. this one is an old one. i left school at 15 and i had a -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: looks like that one over there. yeah, that's right. >> nice, nice, i like that. >> this is a wonderful producer.

he bought it. it's the only piece i have sold. it means cry macho. >> jimmy: this one is one -- you got sued for this one, right? >> this is called just for guys. and it's from a black and white photograph of the beatles. and my late wife, god bless her, loved the beatles and this photograph. and i was in the studio and she said well, why don't you do that? >> jimmy: this is the original photograph. >> michael took a little bit of umbrage on it. >> jimmy: he had a problem with this, huh? >> it's copyright. i didn't know about the copyright. i did the paints for her. all is good, michael is happy, i'm happy. it's groovy. copyright. >> jimmy: is it true when you were a young man you joined the circus? >> i didn't join the circus, no. i belonged to the theatre company and this guy came down

even did a workshop for fire eating. >> jimmy: oh. >> so i looked in the room that particular night. there was all these lovely girls topless. when you put the brand of fire under your arms. you can't have clothing on. >> jimmy: why would the girls topless around fire? >> you can set your bra on fire. >> jimmy: that sounds like a very crafty excuse to get girls out of their shirts. you can not be too careful. >> anyway, i picked it up. one of those tricks you pick up along the way of life. i worked in the circus for -- >> jimmy: have you ever used it professionally, fire eating? >> i did. i did the muppets. one of their last shows. they called me up after i did the first james bond movie and said we would like you to be own the show. do you sing? do you dance? i said no, but i used to do a

fire eating act. so we incorporated this into the show. and the muppets, they all thought i was james bond. this was the gag. no, no, i'm just pierce. no, no, james bond. james bond. and fozi and the whole thing. at the end of the show, gonzo says what do you do for an encore. i'm in the tuxedo. i have is a cocktail. stick around and i blew fire. we rehearsed the scene, did the scene, blew everybody away. and then the prop master said i have stuff that's tasteless, odorless, fantastic. i did the take but it was like rocket fuel and came right back into my mouth. >> jimmy: is it good idea to be spewing fire around an all felt cast? did you get hurt from that? >> i didn't get hurt because it was crazy, you spend the whole day shooting the show.

i did that sequence first. >> jimmy: you're lucky to be alive. imagine getting killed on the set from the muppets. i'm sorry, but i'm very fond of you, but i would have to joke about it. you know, there's really no way around it. >> you can see it it's on youtube. you see this blue flame that goes right book into my mouth. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break here. pierce brosnan is with us. his new movie is called "love is all you need." we'll be right back. i've gotta have that badonkadonk butt.

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with one hand he can roll down 10 windows plus the partition. everything he does, tax write-off. and he eats the liquid gold of velveeta shells and cheese. eat like that guy you know. excuse me. would you mind moving your enormous phone? you mean the enormously awesome galaxy? ping! search "one trick pony." [ all gasp ] aren't you a little young to have an iphone? [ all gasp ]

whee! [ indistinct shouting ] you think if they knew about the nokia lumia they'd stop fighting all the time? i don't know. i think they kind of like fighting. come on! ♪ [ male announcer ] the windows phone nokia lumia 920. engadget's readers choice smartphone of the year. ♪ people have been daring them to clean up tough messes. my fans think a paper towel can't handle this. ♪ that is tough when wet. [ peggy ] grab viva and break the rules on all your tough messes.

. >> i paid him good money. >> that is "love is all you need" pierce brosnan. i enjoyed the movie. >> it's a romantic, wonderful

director. and it's a love story -- >> jimmy: not entirely in english either. dan danish? italian? do you speak either of those languages? >> i just know one line in danish. and that is you are beautiful. >> jimmy: oh, thank you. >> you should be wearing a red dress. >> jimmy: with you're with danish people is that all you say to them? that's very comp preliminary tea -- complimentary, we like him a lot. speaking of beautiful, your wife played a very important role in my transformation into a man. your wife -- i don't know if people are aware of this, was in the huey lewis stuck with you video frolicking on the beach

with hue y. i hope this doesn't get you angry. ♪ i am happy to be stuck with you ♪ >> jimmy: they're pretending to have an argument. and they're stuck with each other. and then you stole her away from him. >> well, it's huey. nothing against huey. >> jimmy: did you see that video and say i must have that woman? >> no, i didn't -- >> jimmy: because i did. >> well, you did. i saw it. on mtv it was huge. so this played all the time. so little did i know i would be sitting in mexico on a beach and this beautiful girl was going to walk into my life it's been 19 years and two boys. >> you got to be james bond and huey lewis. congratulations on the movie.

it's called "love is all you need." pierce brosnan, everybody. ♪

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>> jimmy: our next guest is a talented young actress with a name straight out of a harry potter book. she is the co-writer and star of the new movie "frances ha." it opens in new york and la may 17th. please welcome greta gerwig. it's very good to have you back. >> i'm so happy to be back. it's been a while. >> jimmy: you live in new york, right? but you're from sacramento? >> i'm from sacramento, sac town. represent. >> jimmy: one of the worst nicknames of any town pop i know. i live by the university.

it's called sac state. >> jimmy: sac state. you don't even need anything to make fun of it. is your family up there? >> my mom and dad and brother is up there. my sister is in berkeley. everyone is from california. >> jimmy: do they come down to l.a. when you're here working? >> yes. my parents like to drive down and stay with me when i do press junkets. i get them an extra room in the hotel and we all hang out and they like to meet people. >> jimmy: oh, they do. oh, boy. is that bad? >> no, it's great. they're very enthusiastic and cute. >> jimmy: around your co-stars. do they become overly enthusiastic? >> they do. they love the television show "the office." and whenever -- yeah, it's awesome. whenever they're in proximity of someone who's ever been on "the office" or close to "the office"

or looks like they might be on "the office." greta, that's meredith. we need to go meet her right now. i say you guys i don't know her. just say that we want to meet her. okay. >> jimmy: wow. oh, boy. you were never on "the office" were you? >> no. >> jimmy: that would have been crazy for him. >> my dad e-mailed me once and pitched story art that i could give to someone to maybe get on "the office." >> jimmy: what was it? >> that i would play a woman named christine from denmark who comes to "the office" jim and christine have a nice rapport a and pam gets jealous. he listed it in bullet points. i don't know who you can get this to. >> jimmy: did you present it to anyone? >> no. i just e-mailed him back and said dad, i'll let you know. >> jimmy: probably too late now. i think they're done. >> i know, it's over.

>> jimmy: your patients are in th -- parents are in this movie with you, though. >> yes, they are. they play my parents. >> jimmy: did you make them audition for that role? how did that work? >> my mom didn't want to do it. my dad really wanted to do it. i would hear them have conversation. they both get on the phone when they talk to me and he would stay [ bleep ] this is a big opportunity. and she would say gordon, we are not professional actors. we do not belong on the screen. everybody thinks we're being foolish. and then so he convinced her and now they're in it. they're great in it. >> jimmy: did she enjoy herself? and did she do well? >> she did. she relaxed to it. he was great. he, like, offered to do more takes and stuff. i can wear a different plaid shirt. >> jimmy: that would be great for the director's cut or the extras on the dvd.

>> i know. 123450i he . >> jimmy: that must be very, very exciting for them. >> yes, it was. they saw it. it was at new york film festival last fall and they got to see themselves on the screen. and they got recognized on the subway. >> jimmy: what? >> they were like, we didn't tell them anything. we did not say that we knew you. i was like why wouldn't you say you knew me? they're like paparazzi are crazy, we've heard all about it. i think they were probably just people at the film festival. >> jimmy: that's great. i think last time you were here, you were living with a bunch of people. yes. i used to live with six people. now i just live with myself? >> jimmy: is that better? >> yeah. i have a room of my own. i think about that and look out the window. it's great. it's peaceful. and my -- i have a landlady,

though, who's -- she's so sweet and she's so awesome and her name is blank. but sends me -- every time i'm in "the new york times" she cuts it out and leighs it for me in my mailbox. but she'll leave me messages that say hello, greta, it's blanch. you were in "the new york times" today, they didn't like the movie, but the picture is nice. and i'll be like -- oh, and i go to such great lengths not to read reviews. and blanch is like, it's bad. it's in your mailbox. so she keeps it real for me. >> jimmy: a couple of your co-stars in the movie have famous actor parent, just like you. >> just like mine. >> jimmy: well, maybe not as famous as yours. >> right, no. yeah, we have -- grace gummer whose mom is meryl streep. and micky sumner who plays my

best friend in the movie. and she's lovely. and her dad is sting. but his name is actually gordon. >> jimmy: like your dad. my dad is like, that's a good conversation starter. and i'm like what conversation is going to happen after you say that? >> jimmy: next time you get him on the show, and i'm serious about this, i would like you to bring your parents. >> they would love it. >> jimmy: we'll get into the whole thing. maybe they'll do a movie of "the office" and we can get them in that. >> that would be the fpinnacle for them. >> jimmy: it's perfectly fine with me. the movie is called francis ha" opens in new york and l.a. may 17. we'll be right back.

>> lafit pincay, saddle up for another installment of three ridiculous questions. ♪ >> so laffin what's up with horses? >> what do you mean? >> jimmy: what's their deal? >>, they're very fast. some of them are very smart.

>> jimmy: they say that if you catch a jockey, he has to grant you three wishes. i would like three jet packs. >> three jet packs? why is that? >> jimmy: what is a jet pack? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's a thing you put on your back and fly like a yet. >> i don't know why a jacket would give you that. >> jimmy: how much would you need to be paid to pose for a day on someone's lawn? >> clothes or no clothes? >> clothe, the whole jockey outfit on. >> i would say about $50,000. >> jimmy: would you do it for $12,000? >> that sounds good, too. >> jimmy: you have a deal. let's drink. to the lawn. my neighbors are going to be so jealous. >> please drink responsibly.

>> jimmy: her album is called "to dust", here with the song, "heartbreaker part two", from

suffolk, england, alice russell. ♪ you say that love was just a feeling you said it couldn't really touch your heart ♪ ♪ but when it set your pose a reeling from that moment it could tear you apart the part it ♪ ♪ holds so mighty could bring a nation to its knees over night yeah

can make a king sail ♪ ♪ off to enemy seas like he has not a care in this world if a broken heart is what you give then a broken heart is ♪ ♪ what you get if a broken heart is what you give remember then a broken heart is what you get ♪ ♪ so can you tell me does love last how can we know as our time will come and tell me can ♪ ♪ one ever save another or are we just holding

on on on if a broken heart is what you give then a broken heart is ♪ ♪ what you get if a broken heart is what you give remember then a broken heart is what you get ♪ ♪ if a broken heart is what you give then a broken heart is what you get if a broken ♪ ♪ heart is what you give remember then a broken heart is what you get it's a red beating knuckle ♪ ♪ but it's keeping us alive each day we always struggle with the thought of what's inside today simple kisses we'll be loaded ♪ ♪ with regret ♪ ♪ when it falls when it breaks who spills right open when it falls when it breaks it's best just ♪ ♪ to the ground when it falls when it breaks the landscape all for love escape when it falls when it breaks ooh ♪ ♪ when it falls when it

breaks if a broken heart is what you give when it falls when it breaks ♪ ♪ then a broken heart is what you get when it falls when it breaks if a broken heart is ♪ ♪ what you give when it falls when it breaks then a broken heart ♪ is what you get >> jimmy: i want to thank peerz brosnan, greta gerwig. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. tomorrow night, mel brooks, "science bob" pflugfelder and music from the airborne toxic event. once again, alice russell. good night.