"jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- ed helms. and jewel. with cleto and the cletones. and now, that's not all, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone. it's very nice. hello, thank you for watching. thank you for joining me on your television. i do appreciate that.

i am your host. my name is jimmy. i want to mention that yesterday i was presented with an honorary doctorate at the university of nevada, las vegas which means you can call me dr. kimmel. i will be writing medical marijuana prescriptions in the alley after the show. did you know i'm a doctor now guillermo? >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: you know what that means? >> yeah. >> jimmy:s you a nurse. i'm a doctor of humane letters and i don't know what that means. i didn't have to do anything to get it. i didn't have to read or write a thesis. i made a mockery of higher education this weekend and i can invite strangers into my office and ask them to take their clothes off without getting arrested. that's how it works, right? i gave the commencement speech at the unlv commencement

ceremony. at the same time that president obama was giving a speech. i thought it would be fun to compare and contrast the speeches which were similar in tone. >> it is one of the great honors of my life to be able to address this gathering here today. >> i wrote this in the car on the way over here. >> i was raised by a heroic single mon who made sacrifices for me. >> my mother was a hooker. >> the future we share should give you hope. >> don't go out into the world. >> you're graduating into an improving job market. >> there are no jobs in the world. >> your generation is uniquely poised for success. >> and if there were jobs you are not qualified to fill them. the world has plenty of people doing the stuff you want t

>> nobody can stop you. >> by the way, you owe china 15 trillion dollars. >> go get that law degree. >> i don't think you need to have a plan for your life. >> go get your mba or start that business. >> you know what people have plans for their life? hitler had a plan for his life. >> congratulations, class of 2013. god bless you. >> the only way to be completely done with your laundry is to do it naked. >> jimmy: that's why i will never be president. i want to thank you unlv for welcoming me. i think there is a lesson here. if you drop out of college and tell 1400 kardashian jokes, some day you can be a doctor. by the way, i wasn't the only

very deserving celebrity to be honored yesterday. justin bieber received multiple honors at the billboard music awards. he won best male artist. i can count three lies in the title of that award. he also won first ever milestone award. when it was announced that justin won they booed him. i guess people felt they were making a mockery of the billboard music awards. when justin got to the stage he gave a weird acceptance speech. i think he is unaware of the fact he is justin bieber. >> i'm 19 years old. i think i'm doing a pretty good job. i really just want to say it should really be about the music. it should be about the craft the craft that i'm making. and this is not a gimmick. i'm not a -- this is not a gimmick. i'm an artist and i should be

taken seriously and this -- all this other bull should not be spoken of. >> jimmy: that's right. he's an artist. in the same way the guy that makes my turkey sandwich at subway is an artist. listen. here's a helpful hint if you want to be taken seriously as an artist you have to expand your lyrics beyond boyfriend, girl and baby, baby, baby. my favorite part was a performance by miguel that was part r and b and part wwe. ♪

>> that is not how you are supposed to connect with fans. let's see that again in slow motion. it's actually worse in slow motion because he is look for her head and it's devastating. and back to the singing. after the incident miguel tweeted rock 'n' roll made me do it. you can see he is shaken up about all it. the girls were taken to the unlv medical center and given honorary doctorates. here's a guy they might want to work into an award show. this is from a family video. at every wedding there is one guy who dances like michael jackson. this guy is actually pretty good. >> yeah. ♪ ♪ the kid is not my son

♪ she says i am the one but the kid is not my son ♪ >> jimmy: lost his billy jeans. kanye west revealed the title of his next album which is scheduled to be released on june 18th. he's calling it yesus. he combined kanye and jesus to form yesus and that's why people don't like him. i'm looking for a one-word title that is potentially insulting to christians but i want to offend non-religious hispanics. he was going to call it yohamed but didn't want more trouble with the middle east. a touching moment between teammates between the giants and rockies game.

colorado was excited about shutting out the giants. and right there. yeah, no, yeah, no, i want both. nothing says good job like a hand full of -- here's another great moment from sports on saturday. they had a junior hockey tournament in kanscanada. our national anthem is hard enough for an american to sing but when you hand a canadian the mic the results in this case were disastrous. ♪ oh, say can you see ♪ by the dawn's early light ♪ what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's -- first gleaming ♪ ♪ whose broad stripes and bright stars through the per --

>> i think we need sub titles for the rest of this. and go back a little bit so we get the last part. ♪ through the per light -- [ cheers and applause ] ♪ whose broad stripes and bright stars i no longer light ♪ ♪ what so ever we face her gleaming ♪ ♪ and the rockets and bombs bursting in air ♪ ♪ -- the night and the land was still there. >> with help from the crowd she figured it out from there.

it's hard, i guess. as long as the car lights are still beaming it's okay. russia wrapped up an unusual space mission. a space capsule with mice, lizards and a few fish returned to earth after a month in space. they wanted to study the affect of weightlessness. less than half the mice survived the trip which is an expensive way to kill mice. but all 15 lizards came back alive which proves something that scientists suspected for a long time. lizards eat mice. this is something i have experienced myself. 51% of people in committed relationships are going to netflix cheat on each other

where you skip ahead on shows without your significant other. 51% pretend to not have seen the episode and rewatch it. you plan to watch it and they watch it and you feel left out and you experience depression and rage and it can even lead to situations like this. >> oh, no. quick. get on top of me. get on top of me like we're having sex. up and down. up and down. just like we're doing it, please. you know like we're humping. come on, please. >> what's going on here? >> we're totally having sex. >> you're watching tv. >> we're doing the nasty. >> we were no it. >> "breaking bad"

>> i tried to wait. >> how far into the episode? >> move it. >> what? >> from the beginning. >> i've already seen this. >> you're going to watch it again and you're going to like it. >> what the [ bleep ] is this? >> sexy time. >> jerry, that is our show. >> you're always working. >> shut up. move over. can't believe you. >> don't be a cheating it have whore. hold out for the one you love. and gus dies. >> what? >> why did you say that? >> jimmy: forget you heard that. we're going to take a break. when we come back from the break we're going to talk to a high school student who took a calculator to prom as her date

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>> jimmy: hello, there, welcome back. ed helms and jewel are in the building somewhere. this is a crazy story and it involves fried chicken. apparently, kentucky fried chicken is so popular in palestine it is being smuggled in from egypt. so there are guys traveling to egypt in underground tunnels and smuggled kfc which -- from how guys typically sneak things into countries a smuggled drumstick

doesn't sound appealing. but they buy a bucket for $10 and sell in the gaza for $30. it costs more because the islamic authorities make them cover up the breasts and thighs. i can only imagine some poor delivery guy being interrogated. tell us the colonel's secret recipe or else. that was my accent. thank you. i'm a doctor. did i mention that? it's prom season right now. proms go on through the end of may. i didn't go to my prom when i was in high school. i was busy watching television with my parents that night. we didn't have dvrs when difficult -- different strokes was over that was it. a student went to prom with her

calculator. this is regina reynolds with her date which is a calculator in a tex see doe. she is a student at a technical school. it's a texas instruments 84 plus silver edition. they call@quarterback of calculators. she did very well for herself. from her home in wilmington we have regina reynolds. how are you? first of all would you like to introduce us to your prom day? >> certainly. he's right here. his name is ti. he brought me flowers. >> jimmy: do you your parents know you are alone in the house? >> they are sitting off to the side here. >> jimmy: they are chaperoning the event. i have to say the thing i found most remarkable is i didn't realize that students still use calculators.

>> at our school we are really dependent on our calculators to the point that we call people calcaholics. if you leave it at home you need it for every class. you out of luck. >> jimmy: this is a much smarter school than the one i went to. was the calculator the only inanimate object you asked to the prom? >> he was the first one. >> jimmy: how did you happen upon this idea? >> basically i was joking around with my friends and i said if no one asks me to prom i'm taking my call collator and the day started approaching and nobody was asking me. so they forced my hand, really. and i -- i wasn't really sure if i would follow through with it and my friend said you're not actually going to do that and that sounds like a challenge to me. >> jimmy: did you dance with

your calculator? >> i did dance with my call collator. there are slow dance pictures online. >> jimmy: is ti a good dancer? >> he had good moves. >> jimmy: the closest i got to dating my call collator was typing 80085 and turning it up side down. i stayed home with my atari for prom. >> that's a classic date. >> jimmy: what is your reaction from your parents? >> um, well, my mom initially said, regina that's the stupidest idea i have ever heard no one will think it's funny and i said mom, the internet will think it's hilarious. >> jimmy: that is important. >> i think you are justified in my idea and she is sitting off in the corner in shame. >> jimmy: take that, mom. grab your mom for a second. pull your mom into the camera

for a second. i would like -- yeah. come on, mom. pop in there for a second. i would like you to apologize to your daughter for doubting her and the next time she wants to take a machine to anything i think you should be supportive of it. yes, yes? >> we never saw the joke was going to end so far. everybody knows her now on the internet. >> everybody in real life knows me. i have people come up to me and there are lines i use when someone's annoying me do you know who i am on the internet. but since the post became big there was a girl laughing at me and i said stop laughing do you know who i am on the internet and she said, yes, actually i do and it was the most awkward encounter of my life.

>> jimmy: ask your mom to kiss her future son-in-law on camera. she tried to sneak out on the other side. give him a kiss. he's done so much for your family. isn't that sweet? there's no contest. regina, you're a junior. how are you going to top this next year? >> i have no idea although the mascot for our school is a calculator and one of my friends suggested that next year i should dress up as the calculator and take someone else to prom. >> jimmy: your school mascot is a calculator? >> my school is not very cool. >> jimmy: you must have quite a football team. thank you, regina. you're a hero to dateless people everywhere. thank you. >> jimmy: tonight on the show jewel is here to chat and sing,

and we'll be right back with ed helms so stay right there. >> dicky: portions jooiv jooiv go!

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. >> jimmy: hi there, welcome back. tonight on the program, on may 27th you can see her play june carter cash in the lifetime original movie "ring of fire" jewel is with us. tomorrow night ethan hawke will be here, the new bachelorette desiree hartsock, will be with us, we'll have music from 30 seconds to mars and a new episode of the baby bachelor, so join us tomorrow. >> jimmy: our first guest is a very funny man whom you know from funny things; last thursday, he said goodbye to the office this thursday you can see him alongside bradley cooper and zach galifianakis in the "the hangover part iii" please welcome ed helms. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good to see you. >> thank you.

>> jimmy: i want to say thank you on what was it, nine season "the office"? which was one of my favorite shows. >> i was on it for seven. it existed for nine. >> jimmy: yeah. you were on it for the golden years, as they call them. did you watch the finale with your cast mates? >> yeah, we had on thursday night we had a big screening party in a theater. and -- but we watched the live broadcast on nbc. it was a little emotional. >> jimmy: who shed the most tears of everyone? >> not me. >> jimmy: you did not cry? >> i sobbed. i did. but it was funny because i was in the front row and i would turn around to chat with people and ellie was sitting behind me and every time i turned around she had water works. >> jimmy: it makes it easier for you not to cry.

there is something about that. i heard you will be a doctor coming up in a few weeks. >> yeah. >> jimmy: welcome on behalf of doctors to our world. >> how does that work? how do we get that? >> jimmy: i don't know. i really don't. my grade point average was 2.368 when i dropped out. >> that's -- that's worthy. >> jimmy: where are you getting yours? >> i'm giving a commencement speech in knox college in illinois. >> jimmy: mine was from a university. >> oh, well, mine is for -- mine's an actual medical degree. >> jimmy: it is, really? >> i'm going to be doing recreational thoracic surgery. >> jimmy: that's where you went? >> i went to overland college in ohio. >> jimmy: you were nice enough to send this picture.

i'm not sure why you did this. but you sent us a picture of your graduation day. now -- >> that was -- >> jimmy: what do you remember about this? >> that was a different time. look at that young doctor. what i remember about that is my mom and i are identical in this photograph. we are wearing the same glasses and the same hairdo. >> jimmy: did you grow the goatee so your dad knew which one to sleep with? there really is -- somehow you look younger now than when you were in college. house howe does that happen? >> i don't know. but what i see in that picture is right here, that day was -- shortly before that i was working in the wood shop and

those locks of beautiful blond hair flopped into a power drill and it zinged up and bopped me into the head and ripped out a chunk of hair that big. >> jimmy: you had a wood shop in college? >> sure. in the art department. >> jimmy: really? wow. >> so thankfully it grew back. >> jimmy: thankfully. for sure. but this is a great look. so now you are done shooting the show which was every day. are you going to go away? do you have a plan to enjoy yourself? >> i'm going to go on a six-year cruise. that's -- yeah. >> jimmy: that sounds terrific. >> no. i have a lot of fun stuff in the works and i'm excited to take a little time to breathe and relax although i'm never safe. >> jimmy: why do you say that? >> i'm accident prone in

general. >> jimmy: bad things happen to you? >> i got hit in the head with a drill and i was just recently stuck in an elevator. >> jimmy: where? >> at the grove. >> jimmy: at the shopping center. the glass elevator there? >> yeah. are you claus terclausterphoi b? >> no. >> i was like -- i didn't know i was until i was freak out in this elevator. part of me was i got to be cool

so these kids think i'm cool and this hipster think i'm cool and the 500 walking by aren't like isn't that the guy from "the hangover" in that elevator? >> jimmy: how long were you trapped in there? >> seven minutes. >> jimmy: really? >> seven minutes. and the guy -- i kept my composure but the hipster is like i'm so tweeting this. and i'm liking we are eating you first. that is not -- that's not cool. >> jimmy: who freed you from the elevator? >> a technician guy showed up. we called the little box. i got to tell you i didn't know i was clausterphobic until this happened. i thought we were going to die. it's not rational. but then the guy comes in and i'm like we're going to be fine and he starts -- his method for

rescuing us was just trying to open the doors. i'm like we tried that. come on. and so he's just like are you okay in there and everyone's like we're fine. i'm like no! not fine at all! but he finally, like, hit a lever and the doors open and -- and i went home and cried. >> jimmy: it's crazy. why were you at the grove? >> i needed a charger for my iphone. >> jimmy: that would be a great thing to put in your obituary. it sounds like a harrowing tale. when we come back we'll have a look at a clip from "the hangover part iii. we'll be right back. cherry noir. ♪

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. okay i'm here. now what? >> pull the cover off so you can see the wires. >> okay. done. >> okay. on three cut the gray wire. one, two -- >> wait, wait. i don't have gray. i have red, green, and yellow. >> that's weird. i have light gray, medium gray and dark gray. >> you do?

>> my bad. i'm color blind. >> jimmy: ed helms! >> that is "the hangover part iii" i saw an advanced copy of the movie. you are going to the premier party right after this? >> yeah, the premier is in like -- i got to go. it is tonight. >> jimmy: what goes on at the premier? because it's "the hangover" do people go crazy based on the nature of the film itself? does everyone get drunk and go nuts? >> we are going to burn down a good section of hollywood, yeah. >> jimmy: good. let's see. >> the first hangover no one knew who we were or it would be a big movie so we had a pool party at the roosevelt hotel. and the second hangover it was so -- the party was so big that

they had, like, sets from the movie and all this stuff. and for some reason there were only two porta potties at the whole party. >> jimmy: great. >> i remember standing in this huge line with p. diddy and heather graham and thinking how did they not plan this better? >> jimmy: you don't make p. diddy stand in line for a porta potty. i mean he has p. right in his name. >> yeah, right. but we'll see what happens tonight. >> jimmy: have fun. the movie is funny. thank you for being here. ed helms, everyone. "the hangover part iii" opens in theaters this thursday. we'll be right back with jewel. why are twice as many people choosing verizon

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>> jimmy: hi there. we're back. our next guest is a turns out she is also a talented actor she plays june carter cash in "ring of fire" which airs may 27th on lifetime.

please welcome, jewel. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you waste no time getting out here. i like that. >> i trotted. >> jimmy: you rushed right out. last time you were here you were pregnant and i assume you had the baby. >> i did. he is almost two years old and we are potty training on the tour bus which is eventful. >> jimmy: does the band get bummed out? >> it's just me and the baby. >> jimmy: does the guitar get bummed out? >> it used to be rock 'n' roll, heroin and prostitutes and now it's rubber duckies and diapers. >> jimmy: how does it happen

that your family up in alaska they have their own reality show? >> it was a complete -- alaska's hot topic and discovery was looking for characters and my brother said i'm about to sign a tv contract. where i'm from doesn't have tv available. i was shocked and i the prute producers call. >> jimmy: it is strange. how is it possible? >> they didn't know it was my family at all. >> jimmy: they didn't? >> no one knows my last name and it was an accident. they stumbled on these people that live off the land. it's neat. my family were pioneers. >> jimmy: they are still doing that up there? >> yeah. and my family lives that way. on this show it is stranger than what they capture on camera.

but they hunt and live off the land. >> jimmy: are you nervous about the fact that your family is on tv now? are you on the show ever? >> i'm not on the show and a lot of people don't know they're related to me. it's my dad and brother and uncle and cousin. >> jimmy: do they visit you? >> when i was 19 i was dorothy in "the wizard of oz". >> jimmy: where? >> in the lincoln center in new york city. and my dad came down. i don't know if anyone was raised on a ranch he had his town hat on and his creased jeans and you might be a red neck if you consider road kill an accessory. >> jimmy: what was he wearing? >> my dad makes jewelry out of animal parts. wolf teeth and bird phones. >> jimmy: the joan rivers collection. >> polished nicely.

so my dad comes to new york wearing his largest, shiniest, sharpest, animal carcass necklace and it was one of those moments where the room got quiet at the same time at the wrong time. >> jimmy: waiting for his response. >> and jackson brown turned to hear what my dad would say and roger daltrey from the who turned and natalie cole turned to hear my dad and he goes yep, put my best sperm into that one. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. all right. >> he meant in the a nice way. i can't take credit for her but he said in the a colorful way. >> jimmy: up there alone with the animals and he doesn't know how things go there. >> it's called alaska the last

frontier. >> jimmy: and they are all your relatives? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you are playing june carter cash. reese witherspoon played her and won an oscar. was that intimidating? i have to follow that? >> it sets the bar high. and she was so beloved. i had to hit a high mark. >> jimmy: you tweeted a photograph of yourself. you don't look like you in this picture. what did you do here? obviously the hair is a different color. >> the blue contacts and prosthetic dentures. >> jimmy: did you like having the fake teeth? >> i was given the best tables in restaurants. >> jimmy: is that right? has your tooth been holding your back. you would never get your tooth fixed right? >> i don't feel one way or another about it. i'm too lazy to get braces but it caused a fire storm on the

internet. >> jimmy: your fans were upset. i think i would be upset. it would be a betrayal of some kind. >> that is funny. >> jimmy: maybe if your dad made a necklace out of it. >> it's in my will. >> jimmy: did you enjoy this experience? >> i kind of got the bug. it's a great script. it's a grittier story about june's life from age 6 to age 72. i started at age 20 to age 72. it was a great role to be given and a difficult challenge for something like me who is not primarily an actress. >> jimmy: have you meter? >> i opened for very at royal albert hall. >> jimmy: when was that? >> in '99. i said you smell so nice and she said would you like my perfume and she dug through my purse and wouldn't let me leave without taking it.

>> jimmy: did you save the bottle? did you douse yourself in it? >> it was like magic fairy perfume. it was the key. >> jimmy: congratulations on that. you will sing for us tonight. you're going to sing -- you have to sing. it's the title of the -- "ring of fire. >> she wrote that song. she was a co-writer on it. it was about her falling in love to johnny when she was married to her second husband. >> jimmy: take a look at jewel acting in "ring of fire." "ring of fire" airs memorial day may 27th at 9 on lifetime. jewel's going to sing for us when we come back. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by the movie "the internship" to

celebrate miller light sent their interns on the road. 679d

>> jimmy: her lifetime movie "ring of fire" airs may 27th here with the song of the same name, jewel.

♪ ♪ love is a burning thing and it makes a fiery ring bound by wild desire i fell in to a ♪ ♪ ring of fire i fell in to a burning ring of fire i went down, down, down ♪ ♪ and the flames went higher and it burns, burns, burns this ring of fire this ring of fire ♪ ♪ the taste of love is sweet

when hearts like our's meet i fell for you like a child oh but the fire went wild ♪ ♪ i fell in to a burning ring of fire i went down, down, down and the flames went higher ♪ ♪ and it burns burns, burns this ring of fire this ring of fire ♪ ♪ i fell in to a burning ring of fire i went down, down, down and the flames went higher ♪ ♪ and it burns burns, burns