"jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- michael c. hall. from "despicable me 2," miranda cosgrove. and music from zz ward. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good evening, i am the host of the show, thank you for

watching. you know, we are less than a half hour away from the fourth of july. a celebration of our independence from england. and our dependence on alcohol. i think it is great when the fourth of july is on a thursday. because unless you're one of the guys who has to stand outside an apartment complex wearing the uncle sam outfit with the arrow, you probably have the day off. because what are you going to do? go in for one day. and friday and saturday are bad because you have the weekend anyway. monday and friday are good, because you get the weekend. and as far as week days go, tuesday and wednesday are the worst. sunday, monday, best, thursday, friday, tuesday, wednesday, sunday and then saturday. did i spend too much time thinking about this? good, that is what i'm trying to say. i do miss the old days when you

could buy fireworks without having to drive an unmarked van down to mexico. fireworks are illegal here in l.a. if you live in l.a. and want to blow something up, you have to be michael bey, and the best city to be in on the fourth of july in the united states is l.a. and you know when you have a website that you never heard of, says it. it has to be true. i don't think it is the best place, you can't see the fireworks if there is smog. and there are vegans lurking everywhere, just waiting for you to turn your back so they could throw weird blocks of tofu on your grill. and if you're out, be alerted. there are police in hermosa beach, this year, and they made a video just to let you know they are not fooling around.

>> the open container of alcohol in a public place by anyone under 21, is a misdemeanor, this includes hiding it in red cups and gatorade bottles. this year there will be an increased number of undercover officers. >> jimmy: i don't know, but if i saw that guy watching me through the binoculars, i would call the police on him. he looks like a pervert, right? hey, dennis rodman said something dumb, i know that is surprising. he told sports illustrated that he believes he should be nominated for a peace prize. you remember he went to see kim jong-un, who he called a friend for life. apparently, you have to be

married to carmen electra for at least two weeks, they only lasted nine days. is that sad or what? it seems like the mission is to put as many pieces of metals in your face as possible. he said if i don't finish in the top three for the nobel prize, something is seriously wrong. just give him a fake statue they sell, with the nobel on it sharpee. this is from france, a guy works at a restaurant there, makes a regular habit of scaring the crap out of his co-worker. and luckily for us he records each instance on his cell phone. [ loud noises ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i could watch that over and over. i don't know -- on one hand i feel kind of bad for the guy, but i also know if i had a friend who screamed like that i could never stop scaring him. the tsa are keeping up with the times, they now have their own instagram account. and post items they take from

travellers. this is one of the pictures they confiscated. and look at this picture, hash tag cigarettes, covered at -- uses more hash tags than a thousand teenage girls combined. i looked through the pictures that the tsa posted. i thought this is the perfect instagram post to follow if you're unclear if you can carry on a gun or a knife or a gun with a knife on it. these are all items they found in ted nugent's glove compartment. i guess this happened a few years ago but it just got big on the internet. in new zealand, a bull mastif named bruno, had a habit of getting in a scuffle with police cars. they didn't get video, but created an incredibly life-like digital reenactment. >> the bull mastif's tire, was

punctured. a sergeant is came to the officer's aid. but he soon punctured it. an officer was called, he, too, had his tire punctured. >> jimmy: something funny happened at the very unfunny trial of george zimmerman. a college professor named scott pleasants testified via skype today, which would have been fine if whoever was running the computer didn't actually leave the professor's skype computer name and contact number for everyone to see and call him. >> is that sort of an in-classroom course or is it a different type? [ loud noises ] >> and it requires -- the space

-- >> and how do you facilitate those types of discussions? that is all right. >> hold on -- i -- i. [ loud noises ] >> all right. all right -- >> sir is there -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the dog made its way from the last clip onto that one. it is -- this is fascinating. an italian scientist made news today because he believes that human head transplants will soon become a reality. so great news for bruce jenner, yeah? or whoever gets -- the doctor predicts he will be able to take the head off one body and successfully attach it to a new body in just a few years. so if you're still not ready for

bikini season, there is hope. the doctors said the surgery could be used to transplant the head of somebody who has an incurrable illness onto a donor body. call me old fashion, but i just prefer the days where we let people die. you know, it would be fun to see larry king's head on larry the cable guy. i would be okay with that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is a clip one of my hard-working staff members who is busy watching the internet all day brought to my attention. this is from russia, a guy was driving along. he has a dash cam, when two cows who happened to be having sex wandered in front of the car. now, somehow, the cow is fine. i don't know, maybe the cows have a fetish for dangerous sex. but someone could have been hurt. so to make sure this never happens again we wrote a little song to make it easy for cows to remember the do's and don't's of

doing it. >> hey cow ♪ ♪ if you want to get down, listen to me ♪ you need to know where to throw your sexy party, so look around before you do it and you won't end up where the beefs do it. >> can you hump in a road? >> no. >> can you hump in a bar? >> why not. >> can you hump in a volcano? >> too hot. >> can you do a sexy three-way? >> well, that is just fine ♪ but don't fall back and bruise your behind ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: when we come back, our parking lot security guard guillermo has something they planned for us.

two of the big traditions are cookouts and fireworks. and tonight, guillermo is going to combine them by cooking fireworks. now, guillermo -- what you are going to cook for us tonight? what are you going to cook? >> oh, welcome to cooking with fireworks. >> jimmy: yes, so thank you for welcoming us. we're going to light all of that stuff on fire, right guillermo? >> yes, jimmy, everything. i got hamburgers, steaks, hot dogs, chicken, corn. a lot of things. >> jimmy: it looks great, when we get back, michael c. hall, miranda cosgrove, and zz ward will be here, we'll have fireworks so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] applebee's new take two seasonal menu lets you choose two of five seasonal favorites

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♪ ♪ >> jimmy: guillermo is getting ready, and michael c. hall, miranda cosgrove, and music from zz ward will be here. and depending on where you live you will probably hear the national anthem at least once tomorrow. and the national anthem is one thing we all learned when we were kids. and i don't know about you, but when i was a kid i probably didn't know what it meant. but i really don't probably know entirely what it means now. but we went onto hollywood boulevard to have kids tell us what they think the lyrics mean to the star spangled banner. can you tell us the lyrics?

>> yes, oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light. i don't really know. >> what is that last part? you're so proudly to pieces? >> yeah, that is all i can really remember. >> what does that mean? you're so proudly to pieces. >> that we're all proudly to all of like the states, and the united. >> who did we declare independence from? >> canada. >> exactly. what is the star spangled banner about? >> monkeys. >> monkeys, what are ramparts? >> parts of a lamb? i don't know. >> what are ramparts? >> something that has rams on their parts.

>> how would you dance to the star spangled banner if you had a chance to? >> oh, say, can you see? by the dawn's early light. >> very interpretive. who wrote "the star spangled banner"? >> starts as -- i forget. but -- >> quincy jones. >> yes. thank you. >> you're welcome. >> i knew it started with a q. >> can you sing the star spangled banner? >> no. >> do you know the song we sing before the fourth of july? >> the strong singled banner. >> the strong singled banner? do you know the words to the strong silly banner? >> some of them? >> okay, go for it, take it

away. >> oh, say, that is all i really know. >> why is that all you really know? >> because i'm dumb, i'm dumb! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i guess it is kind of smart to know you're dumb. all right, it is time to blow up some meat. let's go out to chef guillermo who is going to be cooking. [ cheers and applause ] guillermo, wait, what is the fourth of july, guillermo? >> oh, it is the american dependents -- >> jimmy: do you know who we're independent from? >> oh, i think from the european. >> jimmy: can you be more specific? >> spain? >> jimmy: no, mexico, i think, you moved. >> england. >> jimmy: yes, england. and do you know what important document was signed on that day?

>> oh, i think it was the freedom of america? >> jimmy: yeah. there was a citizenship test, right? >> yeah, a long time ago. >> jimmy: all right, so what do you got there on the grill? you have steak, chicken, hot dogs, corn cobs, is that a potato? you have things on the grill. and what kind of fireworks are we using to cook with tonight, guillermo? >> well, jim yes, i have a fuse right here, and the fireworks are going to do all the cooking. >> jimmy: oh, okay, yes. >> it is going to give it good flavor, going to make the meat tender, it will be great. >> jimmy: okay, it is going to be great, well, light it up and let's do it. >> okay, jimmy, remember, this is the only way to cook. >> jimmy: okay, i didn't know that. >> boy, you learn something every day. >> jimmy: i hope we get our independence from france. all right, here we go.

here it is, maybe the shield you should put in front of the fire, between you and the fire, okay. yeah. all right. look at that. that is quite a -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and how long do you cook it like this, guillermo? >> i just cook it few a few minutes. >> jimmy: how many minutes? >> two minutes. >> jimmy: okay, are they ready yet? maybe you should run in there and check them. it is not ready yet? how long? it takes two minutes yet -- >> yes, two minutes. >> jimmy: and this is how you cook every year? >> yes, it is great. >> jimmy: do you marinate the meat? >> yeah, jimmy. >> jimmy: you do? because it looks like it has not been marinated. and it looks like -- are we finished? >> you can see it the way you

like it. >> jimmy: all right, that is still going, isn't is it. >> wow, this is more time -- >> jimmy: yeah, all right. i think it is safe to get in there, right? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're not fighting a dragon, guillermo. >> okay. >> jimmy: all right, let's see what we have there. wow, let's zoom in on some of the -- wow, tell us what you have there. >> this is a hamburger well done. and remember, this is the only way to cook. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, you mentioned that before. those chicken breasts look really great. they are mucho caliente. all right, well, beautifully done, and people can do this at home? >> yeah, anybody can do it. >> jimmy: all right, thank you, guillermo, we have a good show tonight.

miranda cosgrove is here, and we have music from zz ward. and michael c. hall is here. >> portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by sony. [ male announcer ] snap out of your snack routine

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, you cannot see her but you can hear her in "despicable

me 2" which is in theaters now. miranda cosgrove is here. and then this is her debut album. it's called "til the casket drops," zz ward from the sony stage. our first guest tonight is an emmy-nominated man, who played the most loveable serial-killer, killer serial killer. please welcome michael c. hall. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> good. >> jimmy: did you kill anyone today? >> i did not kill anyone today, nor did i pretend to kill anyone

at work. >> jimmy: oh, so that is pretend -- >> the last take -- no, it is all fake. >> jimmy: what a great show, you have done eight seasons of the show. i heard you're down to the final week of shooting. >> yeah, we're in the middle of shooting a final episode as we speak. >> jimmy: and that obviously -- well, maybe not -- >> i mean, it is a lot of things, wistful, imagining that we'll be nostalgic, pride, i mean, eight years, that is like college twice. >> jimmy: yes r, and some peopl after eight years of college wind of working at starbucks. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: had a chat with the audience. >> yes. >> jimmy: well, after you're doing this will you go right onto doing movies or another show or something? >> you know, before "dexter"

came along, i couldn't have imagined it. so i have an independent film after we finish, but i would like to take a break, too, like do something different. >> jimmy: like do something different from acting? >> yeah, like strawberry farming, i've been thinking about that. >> jimmy: have you really been thinking of that? >> yeah, i'm putting it out there, trying to get free seeds. >> jimmy: are you a farmer? >> no, a total novice. >> jimmy: and strawberries, you can grow them in the whole pot, you don't even need a farm. >> yeah, but i would like to have a lot. >> jimmy: it is good that you would have another job that you would be covered with red stuff all day. >> exactly. well that is what i know i will miss the most. >> jimmy: have you zeroed on anything in the set that you want to claim as a memento? >> oh, yes, like dexter's desk

is spoken for, i didn't even hear about that. a desk is kind of big. i think i will keep his little lanyard thing that he wears, and his watch. and maybe there is sort of abstract blood pictures. >> jimmy: i think it would be weird if people came to your house and saw that. are people ever scared? i mean, is there any weirdness? >> i mean, people are pretty nice. in a way it is like a perk. i mean, so many more times since doing dexter have people let me get in front of them at the grocery store. >> jimmy: because they don't want you behind them? >> yeah, it is just sort of a -- you go. >> jimmy: why do you use your middle initial? was there another michael hall

-- >> yeah, there is another michael hall in sag, i think he is responsible for the anthony in anthony michael hall, too. >> jimmy: well, you ruined a lot of lives. >> well, i just used the middle initial. actually when i found out i had to do it a friend told me he would give me half of everything he made if i would change my name officially to "the force". >> jimmy: "the force". >> well, i didn't do it. >> jimmy: half of his income for how long? >> for life, and i didn't do it. >> jimmy: why would you not do it? >> have you seen "the force" in dexter? >> jimmy: the force is a great name, a lot to start off with, no matter what your last name is. the force, there is "the rock." that worked for him. although he is probably more like a rock than the force. >> these are not the -- >> jimmy: did he make a lot of money?

i mean, would it have been worth your while? >> yeah, it would have been a reasonable supplement to my income. >> jimmy: is it too late to become "the force"? >> i think the offer still stands. >> jimmy: if you change your name to ñr"the force" guarantee j.j. abrams puts you in that movie -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there is some photographs here that i would like to share with you, i presume you have seen this. a woman in england made a life-sized cake in your image. >> somebody showed me that at work. >> jimmy: and then, served it to who, i don't know. what do you think when you see something like that? i mean, i guess it -- >> that is fantastic. that is amazing. it is very surreal. it really kind of goes beyond what dexter himself would do.

>> jimmy: yeah. is that -- that is not something you could have imagined as a child that would happen to you one day? especially not in another country. >> i think all kids imagine themselves a cake -- you know, that it would actually happen. >> jimmy: is that true, chef guillermo? do all kids imagine themselves as a cake? >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: see, he knows. we're going to take a break. we'll have a clip from the next episode of dexter. michael c. hall is with us. we'll be right back. >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. [ male announcer ] snap out of your snack routine

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. >> you keep talking about me like i'm some kind of alternate species, like i'm less than human. >> on the contrary, have you read any of my books? >> no, i haven't gotten around to it. >> well, if you had, you would know that i believe that psychopaths are not a mistake of nature. they're a gift. a gift. they helped the human race survive long enough to become civilized. an indispensable demographic. >> that is michael c. hall, who directed this episode.

>> i did, i directed this episode. >> jimmy: had you directed an episode of the show before? >> i hadn't, it was an invitation i had gotten before several episodes ago, but i just had not had time to prepare. it was great, i liked it more than i feared i wouldn't. >> jimmy: did your cast mates listen to you when you were all of a sudden in charge, all of a sudden the director? >> they did, you know, i mean, i spent a lot of time working with them. >> jimmy: i would think that would be the problem. look who is in charge. oh, mr. smarty pants now, should i stand over here? that doesn't go around here -- >> i probably have been telling people what to do the whole time so they didn't even notice. >> jimmy: you're naturally bossy. >> yeah, it wasn't that much of a stretch. >> jimmy: where do you shoot that? >> sunset galleries --

>> jimmy: the whole time, you're here. >> yeah, we fake miami, we go to long beach a lot -- i mean, not to long beach. and we have been there for eight seasons. and i was on "six feet under" for five years. same lot. so i -- had gone 13 years at sunset gallery. they did a documentary about sunset gallery, maybe it was an in-house thing, i'm not sure. but i was told i share the record for the most hours logged there with rita hayworth. >> jimmy: oh, that is a pretty big deal. i worked at that lot once, i did a game show for four years, and every single day the security guard asked me who i was. >> did you give them a different answer every day? >> jimmy: no, i had to tell him each time. and finally i learned his name. and i said i saw you, i know

your name! nothing, are you sick of that lot? >> no. >> jimmy: it is a terrible lot. >> well, they did call it sunset ghetto when i started. and it has gotten better and better. >> jimmy: oh, it has. >> multi-colored walls now, and co-- >> jimmy: well, congratulations on a great show, called "dexter." michael c. hall. we'll be right back with miranda cosgrove. ♪ ♪ portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by intel, what is inside will inspire you. intel, look inside. go!

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commemorative, commemorat still to come, zz ward will be here. >> jimmy: if not for green slime, spongebob and our next guest, nickelodeon would've closed up shop many years ago. you know her from "icarly" and now can hear her voice in "despicable me 2" which is in theatres now. please say hello to miranda cosgrove. ♪ >> jimmy: miranda, the last time you were here, you were 17 last time. now you're 20 years old. >> yeah, it was a while ago. >> jimmy: you're just getting older and older as the years go

on. how has life changed? i told you not to go to college, you went anyway. what are you studying in college? >> i want to major in film, so a lot of film classes. >> jimmy: you were on television for like ten years, already, what could you learn from these people? >> i admit it is a little strange. i took one class, it was all about children's television, so i felt a little weird. >> jimmy: did you have that weird moment where they examined your show with you sitting there? >> well, some kids brought the show up in class and then it was just a little strange. but that one, spongebob, that is the one they actually screened. >> jimmy: he is a good friend of yours, spongebob, how did you do in that class, by the way. >> i got an a. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: instead of your final paper did you say here is the box set of icarly? how is your social life in

college? >> it is good. i have been to one frat party. >> jimmy: oh, you have? who invited you to the frat party? >> my friend, i met him on the very first day of school. i didn't know anybody when i first started at usc, so now i know some people. >> jimmy: and how was the frat party? >> it was kind of a crazy party -- >> jimmy: yeah, it is, it is like a bunch of houses. there is a street and there are a bunch of these big houses like you would see in a movie about a college. and then everybody goes berserk, and then every once in a while something terrible happens and they crash down, and they come back. so how did you do at this frat party? >> well, my dad went to usc, and he told me they were a really classy bunch. >> jimmy: who was? >> everyone at usc. and then i had to wear like a pant suit or something really fancy at the party -- but he was

really -- >> jimmy: when did your dad go to college, 1914? wow, pant suit, huh? >> yeah, i went to this party, i wore like a cardigan, i didn't wear a pant suit, but he was completely wrong. >> jimmy: and is it weird, like when you go in there, you're carly, is that a strange thing? >> it is strange when people are drunk -- >> jimmy: so probably not a good idea to go to a frat party. do you live in a dorm there? >> i don't, i actually just got a place recently and am having my first party for the fourth of july. >> jimmy: oh,ñr you're having yr own party? >> kind of, a barbecue. >> jimmy: what is the party about? >> for a bunch of my band group, they will man the cooking. >> jimmy: you're not a good cook? >> i'm not a good cook, i live alone. >> jimmy: so you live out --

>> i eat a lot of pizza. >> jimmy: do you clean your house? >> i do, i feel bad now that i have my own place, i know how my parents felt when i spilled drinks and stuff at their house. >> jimmy: are you spilling things at your house? >> a little bit. >> jimmy: so you guys are drinking at your house? >> no, nothing like that. i'm not drinking, actually, i was eating cherries, and spilled some on like -- >> jimmy: oh, you're a real wild man, aren't you? these child stars are out of control. they start with the cherry, next thing you know, grapes, eventually they're eating peaches. >> i had a peach -- >> jimmy: there you go, just like i said in the green room eating peaches. so when you get your degree at usc, do you want to direct films or continue acting? >> well, like i think steve

carell, and kristin wiid, they do their own -- >> jimmy: this is one of your fans from england who was saddened by the news of the final episode of "icarly," so saddened that he made this sign, we don't want to say good-bye for "icarly." is this someone you know? >> i haven't spent a lot of time -- >> jimmy: you haven't, but you would like to meet him? >> i would like to meet him. >> jimmy: any idea why he decided to go sans shirt? >> i have no idea. >> jimmy: i mean this is something else. but "despicable me 2," kristin wiig and steve carell are in this movie with you? >> yeah, it was awesome. they're two of my favorites. >> jimmy: and it was easy, you don't have to put on makeup, you

just have to get up there and speak in the microphone. >> yeah, you don't have to worry at all. >> jimmy: and you go back to class and say here is what it is like to work on animated film? i wouldn't listen to what anyone said at college if i were you. it seems like things are going very well for you, you are very grounded with your pant suits and cherries, and it is very good to see you. the movie is called "despicable me 2," in theaters right now. miranda cosgrove, everyone. we'll be right back with zz ward. >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. 8t ñes0p0p

>> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. >> jimmy: her album is called "till the casket drops" here with the song "365 days," zz ward. [ applause ]

♪ your clothes out on the blacktop scattered suites on the street ♪ ♪ frames and broken pictures in the mid-september heat ♪ ♪ we set these nights on fire so hot we burned it down ♪ ♪ now all that's left of us is ashes on the ground i told you back in june you knew damn well ♪ ♪ what i would do three hundred sixty-five days you been making me wait so keep your two-timing ♪ ♪ games it's a lotta too late the summer's over over over ♪ ♪ the summer's over over over drop your keys from six stories ♪ ♪ shout out it's raining green don't tell lies in heaven ♪ ♪ or an angel will get mean

diamonds and white gold watches ♪ ♪ watch how fast they will soar you always said you wanted ♪ ♪ to give back to the poor i told you back in june you knew damn well what i would do ♪ ♪ three hundred sixty-five days you been making me wait so keep your two-timing games ♪ ♪ it's a lotta too late the summer's overçó over over over ♪ ♪ over over i won't be your debutante wont' be the fool to your savant ♪ ♪ i can't fix your cracked up dreams while the leaves fall off these trees ♪ ♪ i won't spend the winter nights holding on to what ain't right ♪ ♪ you might break your words real fast but mine are made to last ♪ ♪ three hundred

sixty-five days you been making me wait ♪ ♪ so keep your two-timing games it's a lotta too late ♪ ♪ the summer's over over over over over over ♪ ♪ three hundred sixty-five days you been making me wait so keep your ♪ ♪ two-timing games it's a lotta too late the summer's over over over ♪ ♪ over over over ♪ over, over, over now ♪