>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, neil patrick harris, from the l.a. dodgers, clayton kershaw, and music from pepper. with cleto and the cletones. and now, sure enough, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, that's very nice. thank you. thank you very much. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ]

we are back from -- thank you. i appreciate it. we're back from a two-week vacation. and as you can see, i have a beard. i got married. that's why i'm wearing a ring. [ cheers and applause ] which i guess means i have two beards. [ laughter ] the reason -- the reason i got married is -- there's a very good reason. i needed a panini maker, and it seemed like the cheapest way to get one. [ laughter ] weddings are very expensive. you know, first you have to ship the bride in from russia. [ laughter ] then there's the reception. 300 lean cuisine dinners. that's a lot of money. [ laughter ] our guests seemed to have a good time, though. a lot of them had never been to a go-kart track before. so that was fun. [ laughter ] here's something i wasn't aware of until my wedding day. did you know the wedding cake is for everyone to share? [ laughter ] i thought it was just us. but overall it was a great time. and i would like to give a special thanks to everyone at the extended stay america in pomona who made us feel so

welcome. [ laughter ] thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i was adding it up today. i now have the same number of marriages under my belt as all the seasons of "the bachelor" and "bachelorette" combined. two. you know, looking for love on "the bachelorette" is like looking for a salad at mcdonald's. you might find it, but it's not going to be good. [ laughter ] this is kind of funny. the finale of "the bachelorette" is a week from tonight, and according to chris harrison on the men tell all special last week, it is so intense they had to chop it in half. >> next week's finale is unlike anything we've ever seen on this show, and for that reason we had to split the finale into two dramatic parts. it's the most emotionally intense "bachelorette" finale in the show's history. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: don't roll your eyes. one of them's probably going to be dead. actually, tonight brooks, who was one of the final three guys on the show, voluntarily decided to leave, which i think is against the law. i don't know that you can do

that. he said he didn't want to marry desiree so, there's no point in going forward. unfortunately, brooks is the guy i picked to win, or finish, whatever you want to call it. [ laughter ] but he defied me. and so now he will be destroyed. sorry, brooks. [ laughter ] we have some excellent guests on our show for you tonight. neil patrick harris is here. [ cheers and applause ] very talented guy. he hosted the tonys this year. he's hosting the emmys in september. who knows? maybe he'll finish this show for me tonight. our musical guest this evening is a band called pepper. and we will be joined by a terrific pitcher from the los angeles dodgers, clayton kershaw is here. [ cheers and applause ] you know, baseball -- baseball is a funny game. especially when it comes to pitchers, who do a lot of sitting around. this happened yesterday. garrett cole, a pitcher from the pittsburgh pirates, was sitting in the dugout, watching his team play the marlins, when the cameras caught him -- there's garrett. performing some kind of a removal procedure.

and then rolling it up and devouring the evidence. if i was on that team, from here on ut he would be referred to as picky mantle and nothing else. [ laughter ] also on the subject of baseball, after months of negotiations last week the chicago city council finally approved a $500 million renovation of wrigley field. it took a long time to get it approved because of concerns from the neighbors, who are worried that things in wrigleyville would change for the worse. but the cubs agreed to help improve the neighborhood, and chicago alderman tom tunney says he will make sure they do. >> an emotional alderman tom tunney said the cubs must follow through with their promise of improving the neighborhood in exchange for the city allowing the upgrades. >> you have to be a good neighbor. you have to be a good neighbor. otherwise, i'm going to be up your butt every day. and i'm going to tell you, i'm going to be up the butt every day to make sure. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's a passionate alderman.

i think what he's saying is lock your back doors. [ laughter ] pope francis said something surprising today. pope francis says he's going to start fighting in mma events. yeah. no. actually, the pope said in an interview today that he has no problem with priests who are gay. he said if someone is gay and he searches for the lord and has good will, who aim m i to judge? it's the same reason he turned down the vacant judge job on "project runway," by the way. [ laughter ] but pope francis is turning out to be very liberal on a wide range of issues. he still, though, does not support the idea of female priests. he said women cannot be priests because jesus chose male apostles. and also because letting women in there would ruin all the fun. i mean, let's be honest. [ laughter ] the pope made these comments on a flight from rio to italy. and they got a picture. look at him here. he looks like an angry businessman telling the kids behind him to quit kicking the seats. [ laughter ] when you're a flight attendant, can you order the pope to sit down and put his seat belt on?

this is fun. this happened on a local cable news station in austin, texas last night. there was a mix-up in the studio that made -- i guess made the anchorwoman think she was off the air. she wasn't off the air and because she wasn't she earns tonight's gold star for excellence in reporting. ♪ >> thanks for joining us here on yna this evening. i'm karina kling. here's tonight's top story. saying that. my friend jennifer, who used to work here, she said another station would be coming together and we used to do a dance to that song in the car. so yeah. we were pretty awesome. oh, no, we just hung out outside of work. good story. good story.

then i found -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i want to know what happened there. she found five dollars. if you're planning on going to jail anytime soon, this is something you might want to look into. the fremont police department up in northern california started what they call a pay to stay program for people who are convicted of misdemeanors. convicts who are sentenced to a few days can opt to pay extra, serve their time in a semi-private cell away from the general population in county jail. they'll charge $155 a night. for $155 i night you can stay in a small quiet facility. $255 gets you a junior suite. and for $1,500 they just let you go. [ laughter ] it's like "shawshank redemption" meets travelocity. [ laughter ] i kind of feel like this undermines the impact of the criminal justice system. if you drink and drive, you will go to jail. or a motel. it doesn't --

[ laughter ] to me it sounds like a bad idea. but money is very tight. so i guess they're doing what they can to get people who do time to pay their own way, even if it means running ads on local tv. >> the fremont police department pay to stay option. for just $155 a night each prisoner is guaranteed food, a cot, blanket, toilet, cable tv. our amenities are unsurpassed in the incarceration industry. three-star rating from the correctional journal and rave reviews from satisfied inmates. >> i'm going to be up the butt every day to make sure. >> the fremont police department pay to stay option. nobody touches your butt. not liable for rodent, fights, salmonella, butt touching available at extra charge. [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, alderman. we're going to take a break. but when we come back, anthony weiner has been taunting me from vacation. so we're going to talk about his latest shenanigans. we have tonight's pedestrian question. but neil patrick harris, clayton kershaw, and music from pepper are coming up. [ cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] we love our devices... until we see the new one. technology doesn't wait. ♪ why should you? introducing at&t next... a new way to get a new device every year. no down payment, no upgrade fee, no activation fee, no financing fee. it's time to rethink how you get a new device. ♪ and the food you love is serving up fantastic prizes. everything from red box movies, to a chance to win a million dollar prize on a big mac. what will you be served up this summer? ♪ [ steam hisses ] actually... guys!

[ female announcer ] ...it can. introducing swiffer steamboost powered by bissell. it gets the dirt that mops can leave behind with steam-activated cleaning pads that break down dirt and lock it away. how did you get this floor so clean? ♪ steamboost, sir! [ female announcer ] new swiffer steamboost powered by bissell. not just clean, steamboost clean. are you planning on using any water? i'm dry-wiping it like i always do. [ female announcer ] you wouldn't clean your car without water, so why clean your bum that way? freshen up by adding cottonelle cleansing cloths... now in a new dispenser. think about your own bumper. choose your experience. choose your flavor. [ humming ] a tingling spearmint. [ ice crackling ] a cooling peppermint. 5 gum. stimulate your senses. 5 gum. we get cats. they always figure it out.

so they deserve a smart choice in litter. we make fresh step scoopable with carbon, that's trapping and eliminating odors. fresh step, your cat deserves the best. you choose two seasonal favorites starting at $10.99. like a blackened sirloin with the wedge salad or lemon shrimp fettuccine and... [ male announcer ] you had us at $10.99. really? fist bump. [ male announcer ] applebee's new take two menu. two seasonal favorites, one amazing plate. see you tomorrow. ♪ [ male announcer ] it's a golden opportunity to discover the heart-pounding exhilaration beyond the engineering. ♪ come to the golden opportunity sales event to experience the precision handling of the lexus performance vehicles,

including the gs and all-new is. ♪ this is the pursuit of perfection.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. neil patrick harris, clayton kershaw from the dodgers, and music from pepper are on the schedule tonight. but our announcer dicky just -- you told me you have to leave? why do you have to leave, dicky? >> dicky: no, no. i'm going to stay. >> jimmy: you're going to stay? >> dicky: yeah. forget what i just told you, jimmy. >> jimmy: dicky has -- >> dicky: you have some prepared comedy right now, right? >> jimmy: kidney stone? >> dicky: jimmy, i may have a kidney stone. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and that comes out in a bad way, right? >> dicky: i think the audience was wondering because i was ghost light and standing there looking at you like this.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: you go if you need to. >> dicky: no, no. i'm fine. >> jimmy: if you do pass it will you videotape it for us? >> dicky: do you know we're on the air right now? this is your program. your first show back. >> jimmy: let's talk about someone else's penis. [ laughter ] anthony weiner. [ cheers and applause ] anthony weiner as you probably know is running for mayor of new york. last week it was revealed that after the whole thing, after he resigned from congress in disgrace and apologized to his wife and all of that for sending the erotic photos and messages to various women on the internet, he continued to do it. he kept doing it. he's now admitted to exchanging sexually oriented messages with at least three women after he resigned. which is crazy on its own. but even crazier when you find out he did it using the name carlos danger. [ laughter ] sounds like a bad mexican remake of the "bourne identity" movies. [ laughter ] but as a result of these new allegations weiner has -- he was

in first place in the mayoral race. he's now down to fourth place. but the good news is carlos danger is right up in first place. [ laughter ] and on top of that his campaign manager quit on him. and the campaign manager even published the text message exchange they had when he quit. this guy gets no privacy. the campaign manager's texts are in blue. weiner's are in gray. i will read them. "as of today i am resigning as your campaign manager." weiner said please reconsider, the worst is behind us. that's when what you said when i started. i mean, it i really do. i need to think about it. me too. then he said, boing. [ laughter ] i quit. please don't. what are you wearing? [ laughter ] et cetera. he's nothing if not consistent. [ applause ] but he's undeterred. he held a press conference yesterday to say despite all this he will not drop out of the

mayor's race. and he said he has an amazing staff. he did. he really said that. [ laughter ] as if we haven't all seen it already. his wife, huma-s apparently sticking with him. i think that's unusual. i think most women would kill their husbands for something like this. i thought it would be fun to put that theory to the test. we found some married couples on hollywood boulevard today and we asked the wife the question, we said if your husband sent pictures of his penis to women would you stand by his side? we asked the question out on the street, and in here we together will try to guess what their responses will be. all right? let's begin. >> i'm from darby. >> and i'm dora. i'm from darby as well. this is my husband. >> if your husband sent pictures of his penis to two different women, would you stand by his side? >> jimmy: would she stand by her husband's side? almost everyone says no. let's find out. >> absolutely not. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: all right. let's go with another couple. >> we're from phoenix. sxechb meredith. >> meredith, if your husband sent pictures of his penis to two different women, would you stand by his side? >> jimmy: kevin and meredith. would meredith stay with him? [ audience answers ] yeah? all right. >> no. >> have you ever sent pictures of your penis to anyone? >> just to her. >> just her? nobody else? >> nobody else. just her. >> jimmy: lucky lady. all right. next up? >> i'm mike hiller and this is my wife stephanie hillary, and we're from amarillo, texas. >> okay. if your husband sent pictures of his penis to two different women, would you stand by his side? >> jimmy: well, hold on. the fact he's wearing his hat at the very top of his head indicates something to me. i don't know what.

let's find out. >> yes. >> how come? >> it's called forgiveness. >> jimmy: i don't know. wait. five seconds ago we were cutting people's penises off. [ laughter ] meet another couple. >> i'm manny. i'm from miami, florida. >> victoria. >> victoria, if your husband sent pictures of his penis to two different women, would you stand by his side? >> jimmy: manny looks guilty already. yes? no? all right. let's see what they said. >> i would. i would just hope it was a good picture and that the lighting was right. [ applause ] >> jimmy: positive. next? >> my name's gary and i'm from tijuana. >> my name's melanie. i'm originally from san diego. >> if your husband sent pictures

of his peen tois two differenis women, would you stand by his side? >> jimmy: he looks scared. like we found something out. would she? [ audience answers ] all right. >> no. never. absolutely not. >> what would you do? >> i'd probably do some damage to that penis. >> scared? >> i am now. >> jimmy: one more. >> i'm justin. >> i'm elena. i'm from brazil. >> if your husband sent pictures of his penis to two different women, would you stand by his side? [ audience answers ] >> jimmy: all right. that was quick. >> well, who are these women? >> women he wants to get with. >> oh. if i'm involved, then that's fine. >> you're married to him. if he sent them to two other women who aren't you. >> if he tells me about it and

we discussed about it. >> really? >> yes. >> did you know this? >> no, i had no idea. >> what are you doing tonight? >> i mean, i have a lot of texts to send out. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the communication is really the key. we have a good show tonight. from the los angeles dodgers clayton kershaw is here. we have music from pepper. and we'll be right back with neil patrick harris. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] for the billions of smartphone photographers...

♪ ...the first smartphone to put the camera first. meet the windows phone nokia lumia 1020. with 41 megapixels and reinvented zoom, nothing else comes close. ♪ tons of 6 inch subs and 21 ounce drinks to choose from, just $4. all day, every day. ♪ subs made just the way i say hurry in today for the amazing new subway $4 lunch. ♪ at subway! hurry in today for the amazing new subway $4 lunch. olive garden's new lunch combinations. choose from calzones and sandwiches. like our new signature meatball sandwich. served with unlimited soup or salad. so many lunch combinations starting at $6.99. when you go olive garden!

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: a guy who really knows how to throw a baseball. from the l.a. dodgers, clayton kershaw is here. and then with music from their self-titled album, it comes out september 3rd, pepper from the bud light outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, i mentioned that on august 1st, which is thursday night, pepper will be part of 50-50-1. bud light is holding a concert in each of the 50 states all on the same day, and you can see pepper live in seattle, washington. tomorrow night the great larry david will be here. from "glee" nia rivera will be

with us. and we'll have music from backstreet boys. later this week selena gomez, johnny knoxville, ben stein, loganlerman and music from palma violet and queens of the stone age. so join us then too. did you hear that, tina? [ cheers and applause ] she's looking at the monitor. tina? yes. folks, tina's lost her parakeet, and if you -- [ laughter ] i'm told it's yellow. tina, what's your parakeet's name? >> no name. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no name? it's just a parakeet. so if you see it, bring it to us. we'll get it back to her. our first guest tonight is a remarkable man. after becoming the youngest doctor in american history, he broke away from medicine to become an emmy-winning actor and all-time leading awards show host. his new movie is called "the smurfs 2." it opens in theaters wednesday.

please welcome neil patrick harris. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ how are you? [ cheers and applause ] we've got a fun group here tonight. there's a lot going on. >> i just saw tina shake her head and say i don't know who -- i don't know who that is. >> jimmy: she doesn't like it when the camera's on anyone other than her. right? >> right. >> jimmy: okay. she's in love with that monitor. how are you? how's everything? >> i'm strangely turned on by tina. [ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ] mm, mm. >> jimmy: it's good to have you here. >> thank you, sir. >> jimmy: congratulations on all the smurfing going on. >> big smurf sequel. the premiere was last night. it was world premiere smurf day. they had smurfy premieres all over the world the same day. all the big stars were there. katy perry was there. britney -- i believe her name is spheres? showed up. >> jimmy: yeah. there's no h. just spears. >> spears? >> jimmy: is she a smurf in the movie? or is she herself? >> she sang the song, the big theme song for the movie. and plays end credits in -- but you're in the movie. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and you weren't there. >> jimmy: i was not. you know what? i don't think i was even invited. [ laughter ] >> why wouldn't you come to the premiere of the movie that you were in? >> jimmy: i'm pretty sure i wasn't invited. but yeah, i'm one of the -- i have like one line or something in the movie. >> you're fantastic. you're passive aggressive smurf. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you. yeah, i am passive aggressive smurf. it's going to be the number one

doll, i'm sure. >> you turn the head backwards and forwards. >> jimmy: i can see kids all over america going what is passive aggressive? i don't even know what that means and i'm -- >> stop asking me questions. what's wrong with you? >> jimmy: was it fun, international smurf day or whatever the hell it is? >> a lot of international smurf things. yeah, it's fun. i'm here to promote the film. and the first one was fun and made a lot of money and was weird to make because you're acting to nothing and a year later you get to watch it. and the sequel is a better movie than the first. it's actually like a nice movie. people were weirdly tearing up at the end. >> jimmy: they were? >> there's father issue stories going on. it's actually a nice movie. >> jimmy: people in need of counseling. [ laughter ] >> no. no, passive-aggressive smurf. i think it's a good movie, obviously, for the kids and the parents to bring the kids. i also think because of the 3-d and the cg a fun movie for the stoners. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, nice. there is a lot of parallels there. like the teletubbies and that kind of stuff --

>> tokey smurf? >> jimmy: is there a tokey smurf? >> yep. [ laughter ] and let's take it further. take some hallucinogenics, go see the movie. [ laughter ] they live -- the first 20 minutes you're in smurf village. in 3-d. they live in mushrooms. >> jimmy: they do. they live in mushrooms. >> everyone could enjoy this movie. >> jimmy: you are hosting the emmys again coming up. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. thank you. >> jimmy: you're a very, very good host. >> thank you. well, you did such a great job last year. what are your thoughts? what are your opinions? what advice could you give me to help me this year? >> jimmy: i don't think i could give you any advice. i think you're pretty good at it. really, you prepare -- you know what? don't prepare this time. just wing it. just walk out there and say whatever comes -- whatever hits your head. >> that's not a bad idea. just ignore the teleprompters and just say [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. and say [ bleep ]. >> that'll work on a live awards show. >> jimmy: do some kind of weird

tribute to paula deen. just to get everybody crazy. there's an idea. >> too soon. too soon. [ laughter ] no, i just think the emmys are such an interesting show because there are so many awards that have to be given out all night long. i mean, you know that. >> jimmy: there are too many, yeah. >> well, yeah. it's just so many. it's like 26 or 27 awards within a three-hour period. so it limits the time you can spend doing bits and things. >> jimmy: ironically, the people giving awards for excellence in television don't understand that that's not good television. [ laughter ] >> that's true. but if you look back through the history of the emmys that's what it was about. it was a big dinner party that they all had. >> jimmy: they got rid of the dinner. >> they got rid of the dinner. and it's a big primetime show. so it's our job, my job to make sure that people are enjoying themselves. >> jimmy: i'm sure you'll be great. >> but i think less like the tonys, which was a lot more performance-based, the emmys is more, you know, honoring television and all that it has to offer. and congratulations. nominated for four emmy awards. >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ]

yeah, give them tuesday. like if there's a lull in the action, people don't know what's written on that card. just read our names. if you get a hold of the envelope, that would be a great thing. and i'll do that for you the next time. >> switch off? >> jimmy: yeah. >> all right. it's a deal. you're going to win 11 emmys. >> jimmy: how are your twins? do you still have them? are they still fraternal? >> no, we gave them away. [ laughter ] they were fun for a minute. no, they're great. they're 2 3/4. 2 1/2-ish. and they're fantastic. they're hilarious. >> jimmy: very cuse. >> they're all over the place. they pick things up and damage things now. they're in this age where they don't -- they'll go to sleep nicely when they're supposed to, and then every maybe 2 1/2 hours they wake up and need to be put right back down to sleep. nothing's wrong. they don't need to go to the bathroom or need anything. they just like, "papa. papa." [ laughter ] and i'm like, oh, god. so i get up.

everything's fine. back in. every two g.d. hours. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: eventually they'll be in school and it will be somebody else's problem. >> how does that stop? >> jimmy: i don't know. i think you have to medicate them. you have a lot of magic stuff at your house. like very interesting, elaborate things. do the kids play with that stuff? are they allowed to? >> well, no. they're not really allowed to. but all of my magic stuff, which used to be all over the place, then i started dating david and he was like you're a nerd. so he said all of that stuff had to go into one room. so i have a magic kind of man cave room that's all my cool magic stuff that looks like the magic castle or the haunted mansion. and to get into it there's a secret door that looks like a piece of art. so they know that it's in there. but they have the brains of 2-year-olds. so he had just kind of walk right by it and forget that it's a door. >> jimmy: really? >> i'm lucky that way. they'll figure it out soon enough that there's no lock on that and there's a lot of breakable things in there. but they have the same mind right now that when i'm mad at

them i count to three and they freak out, you know. get inside. harper, inside now. and they keep playing. one -- and they're like oh. two, and they're inside. they're not old enough to know that when i get to four i'm not going to do anything. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, right. they'll figure it out. >> so one of these days they're just going to stare at me. and then what do i do? five. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: keep counting till they get bored. >> yeah. they're awesome kids, though. >> jimmy: you brought a video along. >> i did. this is not -- now, listen, at another talk show i showed a video of my son gideon and it's not like -- >> jimmy: there are other talk shows? i don't know why i wasn't told about this. >> gideon -- wait. i film them and take pictures of them doing stuff. and literally two days ago we were eating at a japanese restaurant. and it's their favorite. they love sushi. love it. obsessed with sushi. gideon, tuna is his favorite food ever. >> jimmy: wow. >> they have good palates. david's also a chef as well as an actor. so from the very beginning days

he was making organic corn with curry and peas with mint and he was into them having a good palate. so we wanted to -- we love sushi and we thought that's great, pure protein, fantastic. so i filmed him. he's like voracious. it's like a "survivor" challenge watching him eat this sushi. so you have to check this clip out. >> hi. this is neil. i just want to show you what it's like to watch gideon eat tuna. here's the tuna. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: unbelievable.

[ cheers and applause ] neil patrick harris, everybody, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: coming up later, music from pepper, brought to you by bud light music first. ♪ ♪ ♪

every day, more people enjoy their music on the iphone than any other phone. now get the mercedes-benz you've always dreamed of. but hurry...because a good thing like this won't last forever. here you go, honey. thank you. [ male announcer ] see your authorized dealer for an incredible offer on the exhilarating c250 sport sedan. ♪ even tastier? new quality ingredients. we now have premium cuts of meat, like 100% angus beef... and hickory ham. that's right, baby. [ female announcer ] and our tasty new buttery seasoned crusts. then...we add hot. ♪ because hot makes everything better. [ female announcer ] new hot pockets... mmmm. [ female announcer ] ...with premium cuts of meat and new buttery seasoned crusts. better taste. better quality. [ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets! [ female announcer ] nestle. good food. good life. more...

step! [ mom ] my little girl...she loves to help out on big jobs. good thing there's bounty select-a-size. it's the smaller powerful sheet that acts like a big sheet. look! one select-a-size sheet of bounty is 50% more absorbent than a full size sheet of the leading ordinary brand. ♪ i got it! [ mom ] use less with the small but powerful picker upper. bounty select-a-size. and try bounty napkins. aramerican soldiers introduced cola to the cuban people. the cuban people introduced american soldiers to bacardi rum. cuba libre! that drink of freedom, came to be called the cuba libre vivimos! well, it's the only place i can get my kids arizona jeans,

which means they can find the perfect pair that fits great... and it's affordable... oh, and it's got all the other brands they have to have. i've been told this stuff can make or break your entire year. but i'm not even going to pretend to know what "cool" is. i'll just take 'em to the sales and leave the rest to them. [ female announcer ] select arizona jeans on sale now. style. quality. price. now at jcpenney. i love avocado so much i started a facebook page... oh you should post a picture of my new earrings... those would go perfectly with this sweater i'm knitting. [ chain saw revs ] i'm sorry, did you say something? i was just tending to my avocado tree. ooops, i forgot to lock my avocar...do... [ beeping ] have you met my first-born son? avocado? [ coos ] [ male announcer ] show your avocado love. add this superfood boost to the turkey & spinach or try it on the subway club. it's avocado season at subway. subway. eat fresh®. and so too is the summer event.

now get an incredible offer on the powerful c250 sport sedan. but hurry before this opportunity...disappears. the mercedes-benz summer event ends july 31st.

why am i not surprised the way to gargamel's lair is through a sewer? >> what happened? >> gargamel is hatching a terrible, terrible plan.

>> what's with the duck? >> that's victor. gargamel turned him into a duck. gargamel knows we're on to him. >> i'm only trying to help. >> victor, you look foul. >> oh, yes, i did. oh, yes, i did. >> jimmy: that is "the smurfs 2." it opens in theaters on wednesday, right? >> wednesday. right. >> jimmy: tina, are you going to see the smurfs? are you excited about the smurfs? tina? >> yes. >> jimmy: she's dressed like a smurf. hey, what's he going on here in this picture? this photograph we have. >> i go see shows in vegas. so i went and saw a show called absinthe. it's very cool. at caesars palace. it's like a smallish circus show. i recommend it. but i drank absinthe. >> jimmy: you did? >> i thought i was climbing a dragon. [ laughter ] and walked along a tightrope with the guy tony who's the tightrope walker. >> jimmy: is that what they do? they get the audience drunk and

then put them on their shoulders? >> it's what they did to me. [ laughter ] i love all that stuff. >> jimmy: by the way, if you can do that drunk, there is no dui test you could ever -- i mean, that's pretty impressive. well, it's great to see you. tell david i said hello. "the smurfs 2" opens in theaters on wednesday. we'll be right back with clayton kershaw. [ cheers and applause ] where would you like to go tonight? ♪ [ male announcer ] it's a golden opportunity to see how lexus effortlessly connects you to where you're going. ♪ come to the golden opportunity sales event and experience the connectivity of lexus enform, available on all lexus models, including the es and rx.

♪ this is the pursuit of perfection. are you planning on using any water? i'm dry-wiping it like i always do. [ female announcer ] you wouldn't clean your car without water, so why clean your bum that way? freshen up by adding cottonelle cleansing cloths... now in a new dispenser. think about your own bumper. it's time... for aveeno® positively radiant face moisturizer. [ female announcer ] only aveeno® has an active naturals total soy formula

that instantly brightens skin. and helps reduce the look of brown spots in just 4 weeks. for healthy radiant skin. try it for a month. then go ahead and try to spot a spot. aveeno® positively radiant. naturally beautiful results. married to morty kaufman. [ lee ] now that i'm getting older some things are harder to do. this is not a safe thing to do. be careful babe. there should be some way to make it easier [ doorbell rings ] let's open it up and see what's cookin'. oh i like that. look at this it's got a handle on it. i don't have to climb up. this yellow part up here really catches a lot of the dust. did you notice how clean it looks? morty are you listening? morty? [ morty ] i'm listening! i want you to know you choose two seasonal favorites starting at $10.99. like a blackened sirloin with the wedge salad or lemon shrimp fettuccine and... [ male announcer ] you had us at $10.99. really? fist bump.

[ male announcer ] applebee's new take two menu. two seasonal favorites, one amazing plate. see you tomorrow. ♪ [ male announcer ] for the billions of smartphone photographers... ♪ ...the first smartphone to put the camera first. meet the windows phone nokia lumia 1020. with 41 megapixels

and reinvented zoom, nothing else comes close. ♪ i just won a new fiat 500 cabrio! [ all ] roadtrip! [ male announcer ] monopoly at mcdonald's is back! with 1-in-4 odds... plus, you could win $1 million instantly on a big mac. . more fun at mcdonald's.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. music from pepper. our next guest is one of the best players in baseball. he is a three-time all-star and cy young award-winning pitcher. from the first-place los angeles dodgers, please welcome clayton kershaw. [ cheers and applause ]

how are you doing? >> i'm great. >> jimmy: team's doing great. you're doing great. >> yeah, it's fun right now, jimmy. >> jimmy: can you sense that the fans get more excited when things are going well? >> you know, i was talking to one of my buddies about that. they went out to dinner and then went to a little sports bar and watched the game and they had a bunch of dodger games on the whole screens and watching till the last pitch. just a ton of fun right now. you can feel it in the crowd and feel it in the -- >> jimmy: does it make it more fun to play when the crowd is behind you like that? >> oh, yeah. it's awesome. 56,000, that place is packed, it's so much fun. >> jimmy: and you're 25 years old, right? >> i am. yeah. >> jimmy: wow. and you got called up, what, when you were 20? >> i did, yeah. >> jimmy: what was that like? were you terrified? >> yeah. for sure. >> jimmy: i would think so. were they nice to you? do they haze you? >> you walk into that clubhouse and see all the names on the backs of people's jerseys. some of the older guys i actually watched growing up. you see the names like jason schmidt, nomar garciaparra, these guys. you know, the first night i get there i'm pitching that day game

so, i get to watch the game that night before. and i reach in to -- you know, i'm sitting in my locker right there, not really paying attention, just kind of looking at everything like a -- you know, just a kid. and i reach in and i grab a jersey which i think is mine, no big deal, and i go out for the anthem. and lo and behold i put on jason schmidt's jersey. [ laughter ] jason, he's a huge prankster. he thinks it's hilarious. he puts on my jersey. [ laughter ] and then we go stand on the dugout rail for the national anthem. and he tells the jumbotron guy, hey, put it on kershaw right here. i'm like oh, that's probably what they do to the new guy. so i see my face on jumbotron. then they screen right to my back and i've got this big schmidt 29 jersey on. good welcome to the big leagues moment for me for sure. >> jimmy: and now you're wearing your own clothes. >> i am. >> jimmy: you stick to your own? you're from an accomplished family. and typically when we have an athlete on the show their family has a background in sports. yours, in astronomy. >> yes. >> jimmy: and i think this is --

what did your uncle discover? >> well, you know, jimmy, i'm really glad you brought this up. [ laughter ] this is something that's been just a huge problem in the kershaw tombaugh side of the family for a couple of years now. my great uncle discovered pluto. i know that sounds like a joke when it comes out. but it's true. >> jimmy: tombaugh. >> great uncle. discovered pluto. they took it away from us. it's a dwarf planet now. >> jimmy: i was against that also. i believe that -- you learn certain things in school and you retain very little of it. but one of the most important things is you know which planets are planets. >> yes. >> jimmy: and then somebody comes and says no, it's not a planet anymore. >> yeah. what scientists just decide they get in a room one day and they go you know, we're out with pluto. how do you do that? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: your family must have been -- they must have been furious. >> up in arms. for sure. >> jimmy: did you write any letters to anyone? did you do anything about? >> it's funny. some fans have actually sent me shirts that say "pluto is still a planet in our hearts." >> jimmy: i agree with them.

[ cheers and applause ] you played before -- was this while you were playing in the big leagues you played in mexico? >> no. this is actually in high school. it's part of like a u.s. aid trip. you're going to mexico, you're expecting things to be a little different than the united states. but fields now have tarps if it rains, you know, to cover the field. we get in a rain delay, it starts raining. i go it's funny they're not covering the field with a tarp, they must know know something. then you see these grounds crews guys take gasoline everywhere on the field. you go i'm not sure what's going on, maybe it's some remedy. then they light it on fire. they light the infield on fire. and you go okay, that's different. [ laughter ] it worked. it dried up the field. smelled like gasoline for the rest of the game but is it worked. unbelievable. >> jimmy: is there any grass left behind? >> oh, just the infield. the dirt. the grass is soaking wet, but the infield is great. >> jimmy: wow. that is something else. i guess that's one of the differences between our nations. [ laughter ] >> i would agree, yes. >> jimmy: you're very involved in charity work.

you built an orphanage in africa. >> yeah, we did. >> jimmy: that's a pretty great thing to do. [ applause ] and you're hosting a charity event coming up next month, correct? >> yeah. august 29th we're doing a ping-pong tournament. ping-pong is my second favorite sport. >> jimmy: is it? >> yeah. i love it. >> jimmy: are you good? >> well, you know, humility aside, i'm okay. i'm all right. >> jimmy: do you guys play in the club snohouse? >> yeah, spring training, that's the only place we can play because we have a lot of free time in spring training. we get a lot of doubles tourmths going. it's a ton of fun. we're in there a lot more than practicing. that's for sure. >> jimmy: is that right? and who's the best on the team? >> i don't know. we had a lot of great tournaments. my doubles team won. people weren't happy about it. your tournament, you shouldn't win. but it happened. >> jimmy: who's your partner? >> he's a guy who's been up and down. his name is shawn tolleson. he's a relief pitcher with us. he's pretty good. >> jimmy: you've got to make sure he stays on the team. >> exactly. >> jimmy: you don't want him lit on fire down in mexico or something. >> that's true.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: so this is a tournament people can come in play in, they watch the celebrities play? >> yeah. both. they come and play if they want. it's up at the stadium on an off day and all the proceeds are going to kershaw's challenge to help with the orphanage in africa as well as some other charities in l.a. too. it will be a great time. it will be a lot of fun. >> jimmy: congratulations on a great season so far. i wish you the best. clayton kershaw, everybody. the ping-pong 4 purpose fund-raising event itto benefit kershaw's challenge august 29th at dodger stadium. we'll be right back with music from pepper. ♪ >> and tonight don't miss the "jimmy kimmel live" stream featuring an exclusive off-air concert from pepper. go to myspace.com/budlight

immediately after the show to see it all. the "jimmy kimmel live" live stream, on myspace.

>> jimmy: this is their self-titled album. it comes out on september the 3rd. here with the song "mess around," pepper. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ oh she give me something right oh just let me in your life ♪ ♪ give me something more 'cause i need to score ♪ ♪ ooh and now you're doing it right ooh love how you twist that knife ♪ ♪ give me sweat and war worth fighting for ♪ ♪ tell me if you're satisfied i need to feed your appetite ♪ ♪ amplified by the night ready for the milky white s moon till the sun comes up ohh ♪ ♪ 'cause i don't want to mess around unless you want to mess around ♪ ♪ all night i'll make you feel good

all night darling 'cause you want me to ♪ ♪ all right this ain't a game 'cause i don't want to mess around unless you want to mess around ♪ ♪ all night i love your attitude all night i'm right on top of you ♪ ♪ all right this ain't a game cause' i don't want to mess around ♪ ♪ unless you want to mess around ♪ ♪ ooh sweeter than mary jane ooh higher than an aeroplane ♪ ♪ anywhere you want to go bumping from coast to coast ♪ ♪ ooh them boys are looking at you ooh but i got you ♪ ♪ and i'm taking you all the way it's time to blow you away ♪ ♪ 'cause i could be your worst habit if you let me do my magic ♪ ♪ and i could fly at altitudes and you can't even handle it ♪ ♪ do it till the sun comes up ooh ♪ ♪ 'cause i don't want to mess around unless you want to mess around ♪ ♪ all night i'll make you feel good all night darling

'cause you want me to ♪ ♪ all right this ain't a game 'cause i don't want to ♪ ♪ mess around unless you want to mess around ♪ ♪ all night, i love your attitude all night i'm right on top of you ♪ ♪ all right this ain't a game 'cause i don't want ♪ ♪ to mess around unless you want to mess around ♪ ♪ this is not the time for talking no, no ♪ ♪ shaking her hips and now she's walking ♪ ♪ but she's walking my way and she was shaking that thang ♪ ♪ but i ain't down to mess around unless she's down to mess around ♪ ♪ all night i'll make you feel good all night darling 'cause you want me to ♪ ♪ all right this ain't a game ♪ ♪ 'cause i don't want to mess around unless you want to mess around ♪ ♪ all night i love your attitude all night i'm right on top of you ♪ ♪ all right this ain't a game 'cause i don't want ♪

♪ to mess around unless you want to mess around ♪ ♪ uh ♪ uh ♪ hey [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i want to thank neil patrick harris, clayton kershaw. i want to apologize to matt damon. we did run out of time. tomorrow night, larry david, naya rivera and music from backstreet boys. this is their self-titled album that comes out on september 3rd. playing us off the air with "no control." you can see the full performance at jimmykimmellive.com. and watch the full concert scream -- stream. scream. there's no screaming. it's a stream. go to myspace.com. once again, pepper. good night. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hawaii, we love you. where are you? we're in l.a. tonight!