kelso, ke "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight ashton kutcher -- melanie griffith -- and music from big sean -- with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. okay, good, i'm glad -- glad,

because -- we had -- i was worried there might be a letdown. we had quite a night last night, oprah winfrey was here, you're familiar with her work? she swooped down from heaven last night, and there was a rainbow over the theater, have you ever seen a rainbow at night? happens everywhere she goes. at one point, oprah stopped the show, picked a random woman from the audience and gave her a car. the woman's name is brittany, she is a graduate student from iowa, she visited her parents. she did a funny thing when she got home. instead of telling her parents that oprah gave her a car, she had them watch the show with her. and her boyfriend videotaped it secretly. there she is watching the show, brittany's mom and dad, and --

mom got excited. almost immediately. oh, look at that devil cat there, too. and by the way, i just want to say, i like that her dad -- no response at all. no reaction, as if oprah gives his daughter a car all the time. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, brittany and her mom and dad live now, via skype, hi, guy, how are you doing? >> hi. >> jimmy: jean, you seemed pretty excited about seeing brittany get a car, right? >> oh, i was excited? >> jimmy: you didn't move an inch. >> i was shocked internally. >> jimmy: oh, that makes sense. and what is going on with that

demonic cat in the house there? >> she is very sketchy. >> jimmy: brittany, you seemed shocked, stunned, i spoke to you after the show. have you absorbed this yet? >> no, not really, it is all over facebook. i'm getting e-mails and phone calls. >> jimmy: you know, oprah actually built that car for you. >> that is really special, that is awesome. >> jimmy: do you have a car already? >> i do, i have a truck and it will be paid off next month. >> jimmy: oh, nice, what are you going to do with that? >> i think i'm going to save it for my cousin who is in japan, when he gets home. >> jimmy: that is nice, awesome, when do you go back to college? >> on saturday. >> jimmy: well, brittany, i would like you to think of oprah while you drive, and no texting while driving, oprah hates that.

>> thank you. >> jimmy: all right, thank you, guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: get to see jordan's family, brittany, steve and jean -- i think it takes a lot to get steve excited. pretty good wedding videographer. he attached a video to a remote controlled helicopter. i don't know why he did this, but here is how it turned out. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there is the guy who did it, upside down. something borrowed and something black and blue, that is how they got osama bin laden, by the way. google has made an unfortunate decision. they have a dictionary, so if you search a word, somebody noticed they added the word

literally. the first word is correct, in a literal manner or exactly. so if i say i literally am hosting a tv show, i am. but literally is one of the most abused words in the dictionary. my agent, he will say baby i watched the show last night, i literally died laughing. i literally -- i am literally calling you from the grave right now. literally, they buried me with cell phone so they could call you. so google because of people like this, actually added an incorrect definition to the word. now, literally, according to them, used to acknowledge that something is not literally true but is used for emphasis. so literally now means not literally. which is literally the dumbest thing i have ever heard. baby, i literally jumped out of my chair.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: literally hit my head on the roof. happy birthday, baby -- guillermo, how do you explain how you use the word "literally"? >> litiker -- >> jimmy: what is that? sounds like a detective show. >> i know. >> jimmy: tonight, on litiker! litiker goes after a hooker! litiker. >> i don't know how to use it. >> jimmy: i know you don't. elsewhere on the internet i'm happy to report that prince just started tweeting. he is literally tweeting now. this is the first thing he tweeted. prince's first tweet, testing one, two. this is his second tweet, prince's second tweet, all caps. and for a third tweet he posted this picture of his salad. and then the doves started to

cry. that is -- i mean he -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to have a good night tonight. ashton kutcher and melanie griffith are here tonight. music tonight from big sean, you know, before you do rap, they make you decide if you're big or little. why is it that rappers are always big or little? any of them ever come in medium? if you have time warner cable and live in new york, l.a. or dallas, you know that cbs and showtime, because of a financial dispute have been blocked from their tv. so if you wonder what happens, the answer is nothing. the cable company removed cbs and showtime from their lineup, now if you want to see murder, i guess you have to go outside. there is even a class action lawsuit filed to fight this.

i hope they get this, without cbs to distract them, your grandparents will eventually have sex again. and ain't nobody got time for that. this is funny. and in this video, it is from new zealand. new zealand is a strange and fascinating land where every adult male commands his own personal army of sheep. >> what do you want? >> baaaaaa. >> what do you want? >> baaaaaa. >> how do you want? >> baaaaaaaa. >> who is your daddy! >> baaaa. >> jimmy: if that guy ever runs for president of sheep he will win. there is a big event in seattle, called the hemp festival, you

know what it is, they smoke pot and sit too close to the speakers. they started 22 years ago when a guy looked over at his roommate and said you know what would be awesome? this is actually awesome, it is a three-day event, 85,000 people will come through, and usually the police look the other way. and now marijuana is legal in the state. so this year the police are actually handing out bags of doritos, for real -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i appreciate the applause, but the police are putting labels on a thousand bags of doritos, asking people to check out a marijuana question and answer page on their website. because if there is one thing you can count on stoners to do, it is to remember to look something up later. one spokesperson said i think it is going to be a lot of fun. he is probably right. how freaked out do you think a stoner would be when a cop hands

him a bag of doritos? a bag of cool ranch and this week, it is a tradition, we have unnecessary censorship. >> a federal judge ruled today that the nation's largest police force singled out blacks and s hispanics in a tactic that is called stop, question and [ bleep ]. >> for those who don't know, police can stop anyone on the street and [ bleep ]. >> if you give me the chance, i will [ bleep ] you and your family every single time. >> we now know that it is wrong to put a [ bleep ] up your [ bleep ]. >> at one point, before i started to be spider-man, i turned my back and said itsy

bitsy spider -- >> i don't think monkeys are going to fly out of [ bleep ]. >> option number two, i'm going to [ bleep ] a live cow. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break, but when we come back, guillermo and i are going to visit a nail salon to get advice on marriage. plus, ashton kutcher, and melanie griffith, and big sean, too, so stick around. >> portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by intel. it is what is inside that counts, intel, look inside.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, ashton kutcher and melanie griffith, and big sean are in the lineup. by the way, i got married last month, still going strong. i have to be honest, i got married before and it didn't work out. to talk to women about what it takes to maintain a successful relationship. and there are always a lot of women at the salon across the street. so i grabbed my friend, guillermo, we held hands and crossed the street to get marriage advice and mani-pedi's, too. >> diamond nails and spa, classic. >> hi, how are you. >> jimmy: hello. >> how can i help you today? >> well, we're here to get our

nails done, and we're also here to ask some questions about women. >> sure. >> let's walk this way. >> wow, it is beautiful. oh, a lot of beautiful ladies. you know, this is not too big in the latino community. >> jimmy: why not? >> i think it is because we think like macho men, it is only for ladies. >> jimmy: but that is the reason we're here, actually, is because we knew there is going to be a lot of ladies. and i just got married. guillermo, you have been married 12 years. are you all married? >> i'm divorced. >> jimmy: let me ask, what does your husband do that makes you angry? >> when he ignores me. >> jimmy: when he ignores you? how about you? >> when he don't help me work in the home. >> jimmy: when he doesn't help around the house. >> yes. >> jimmy: he doesn't help around the house. >> he works outside, okay,

anything in the home, he thinks that is what the woman do, not the man do. >> jimmy: oh, he says that is what the woman do, and what do you say? >> i say the next time i marry again i don't want to marry with asian, i want to marry with american. >> jimmy: oh, really? is this the thing in the asian culture, the men don't help around the house? >> no, they don't do housework? >> jimmy: they don't do housework? why am i not asian? guillermo do you have any questions? >> i have a question for you. how do you keep the passion in a marriage? >> jimmy: she is divorced. >> i think just take them on little vacations, or cook them dinner and give them a massage. >> jimmy: do you ever give your wife a massage? >> no. >> you should, it usually ends well. >> jimmy: by the way, what do you think of my feet? >> normal, not bad. >> jimmy: normal? guillermo, how are your feet?

>> tickling. >> jimmy: here is a question, some older people i have noticed, they will sleep in separate beds. do you think a husband and wife should sleep in two beds or in one bed? >> one. >> me, two beds. >> jimmy: how long have you been doing that? >> about ten or 15 years. >> jimmy: that long? why do you sleep in separate beds? >> because my husband is a little noisy. >> jimmy: oh, the noise, but are you sleeping right next to him or in another room? >> different room. >> jimmy: oh, really, so you're essentially roommates. >> guillerwhat happens if your wants to make love? he has to call you on the cell phone? come to the room. >> jimmy: how does that work? >> he calls, and then after, go back. >> jimmy: so like you see him in the doorway and it is like -- i have never had a pedicure before. >> so you do yours by yourself?

>> jimmy: yeah. >> or your wife takes care of you. >> jimmy: i do it by myself, what am i, a horse? hey, you know, maybe you guys can help me. help me send a romantic text to my wife. what should i say? >> hi, honey, look at my toe. >> jimmy: oh, maybe i'll take a picture of it. >> okay. >> jimmy: all right, hi honey, look at my toe. it auto-corrected it to look at my rod. i know you look at my toe, that is all? >> we can do that together sometime. >> jimmy: now you're just trying to drum up business. i'm trying -- now she said i'm going to the anull salon, in other words, she wants to get the marriage annuled. i'm going to tell her your joke bombed. do you think wives want to talk more than the husbands want to

talk? >> i don't think they want to talk, i think they want to complain and boss us around. >> jimmy: especially your wife, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, i don't think we have learned anything here. do you have slippers for me? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay, good, well, thank you, guys, great. do you want a picture to hang on the wall here at the shop? >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: okay, all right, dear ladies, thank you, stay cool. love, the queen. it is a picture of queen latifah! >> thank you, ladies, tonight on the show, melanie griffith, and we'll have music from big sean. we'll be right back, the number one ashton in the world, ashton kutcher.

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>> jimmy: hi, there is tonight on the program, melanie griffith is with us, his new cd comes out august 27th, big sean. >> jimmy: our first guest is an

actor, producer and the thomas edison of twitter. he plays steve jobs in the new movie "jobs" which opens in theaters tomorrow, please welcome the artist formerly known as kelso, ashton kutcher. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it is great to see you. i like that hat. >> thank you. >> jimmy: are you a fly fisherman. >> i am a fly fisherman. >> jimmy: i am distracted now by -- >> i won't say it out loud, the sponsors -- i like to do fly

fishing. >> jimmy: i didn't realize that. especially a guy as busy as you are, we talked today about all the different things you're involved in, besides acting. you have your own venture capital firm, the group you put together to invest in different technologies and businesses. >> yeah, a buddy of mine and i put together a fund to manage people's money, and we invest in early stage start-up technology. >> jimmy: so people come to you, you say i have an idea, and you like the idea and you decide whether or not to give them money or not? >> kind of like that. it is a little like "shark tank." i mean, specifically we invest in consumer facing technology. mostly software companies, a couple of hardware companies. >> jimmy: are there companies we would know of that you invested in? >> four square is one of the

first investments. i invested in a company, square, which is a payments processing company. which people don't know, but now you do. hair b & b. >> jimmy: wow, so you're like -- by the way, you're taking -- >> a lot of other people's money and a little bit of mine. >> jimmy: you're taking the role to study steve jobs very, very seriously, even to the point -- >> it was actually just a convergeence of my craft, i was already doing that, and this role came along. >> jimmy: as a kid, were you interested in electronics and gadgets? >> yeah, i had a together, i had a neighbor, this guy named harry billings.

he he was an investor, i used to go to his house and watch johnny carson, he told me stories about things he built. he told me the story, he actually invented the yo-yo. which was crazy. so the duncan tinker toy company had a bunch of parts left over. so they sent it to the kids and said if you invent something, we'll mpay you, so he invented this and sold the patent to duncan for $100. >> jimmy: wow, was he a bitter man? >> no, he was actually a great -- he went on to build this little steam engine that he sold to ge, and he was this guy, his house was all tricked out. like the doors had lights to tell you if the other door was open. and that just kind of inspired me. i wanted to create those kind of

efficienciy iey ies in my life i didn't get anything from it. i thought if i do it again i'm going to invest in the company. so i started to invest in things that i found to be really, really useful. that i was using all the time. and luckily they let me invest and i have learned a lot about technology from them. >> jimmy: i heard you talk about efficiency where you try to cut out any wasteful time in your day. how do you do that? >> you know there are things like, clothes, they're lined up in the closet. as i get dressed, i get dressed the same way every day. so i get the coat, the pants, the socks i like to put on next. so it is all lined up. i can get out of my house and to work in 12 minutes in the

morning. >> jimmy: really? that is unbelievable. kind of crazy, in a way. >> it is a little crazy, but then like sometimes things happen that -- you know, those kinds of things are all over the place. >> jimmy: does that upset you -- >> i'm a little ocd about it. >> jimmy: yeah, sounds like you are. >> like when they started putting football on thursdays. they just blew it. because i'm like -- everything is to make it so i have sunday off so i can just watch football. so everything i try to do so i have one day, sunday, it is off, i can just watch football, that is it. and then they started to do the thursday games, which completely threw off my fantasy football league. >> jimmy: wait a minute, you're a guy who is interested in saving time and you play fantasy football, the biggest time suck of anything? [ cheers and applause ] >> i actually have a member of my staff that is dedicated to researching it out. i mean, i have to analyze the

seoi it is not a fantasy anymore -- >> by the way, i was last, last year. it is not like i'm winning. yeah, so -- you know the thursday game, you don't know whether the guy is going to be injured or not injured and everything is not updated. so then you put your team in and you get this thursday game that throws everything off for the whole weekend. >> jimmy: well, maybe buy the league and you can change things around. ashton kutcher is here. we'll be right back. >> the jimmy kimmel live is brought to you by sony. h-over. we want you to eat some peaches and tell us what you think. they're really juicy. it must have just come from the farm. this right here is ideal for me. walmart works directly with growers to get you the best quality produce they've ever had. what would you do if i told you all this produce is from walmart? wow! is it really? (laughter) find fresh peaches and all your quality produce. backed by our 100% money back guarantee.

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but sometimes, i still struggled to get going, even get through the day. so i was honest with my doctor. i told her i'd been feeling stuck for a long time. she said that for some people, an antidepressant alone only helps so much and suggested we add abilify (aripiprazole). she said that by taking both, some people had symptom improvement as early as 1 to 2 weeks. i wish i'd talked to my doctor sooner. [ female announcer ] abilify is not for everyone. call your doctor if your depression worsens

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but choosing which one is even harder.

tam . >> we need to come up with something catchy, electric. >> i've been thinking about it. >> i feel like -- i don't know, what about enterprise computers? >> no, no star trek names, i will drive this car right off the road. i will run the car right off the road. >> please, calm down, seriously. okay, nothing trekky, gees. >> we need something people will relate to you know? it needs to be something that you see and you're like man, i just got to have it. apple. >> excuse me? >> apple -- >> apple like the fruit? >> the fruit of creation. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is ashton

kutcher. a young steve jobs. and i don't want to ruin the movie, but they did wind up naming it apple. they did wind up naming it apple. >> yeah, the company, they named it apple and actually ended up being relatively successful. >> jimmy: well, the movie came out great, i thought it was a lot of fun to watch. you guys were in like the actual garage, in his parents' house where he invented the apple computer. >> actually, we shot in the actual garage. and i got there and thought i was going to have like this ahh moment where i was going to feel the energy of apple. but it really was not that. it was just a garage. but it was something that was powerful about the fact it was a garage, because it reminded me of the garage i had when i was a kid. the house was just a very modest house. and it reminded me that they were just two guys that had a friendship and idea and

willingness and passion for work. and they ended up building the most powerful company in the world from this garage. and i think a lot of people look at life and wait for somebody to hand them the big break that is going to be the next big thing. and really it is not about that. it is about using what you have and using your resourcefulness and relationships to inspire you to build something impactful. >> jimmy: i feel like a real loser right now. guillermo, you and i are going to build something, and not just a burrito! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, great work, opens tomorrow, ashton kutcher, everybody. we'll be right back with melanie griffith. >> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, the

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. we still have music from big sean. >> jimmy: our next guest is a golden globe-winning and academy award nominated actress -- her latest is a thriller called "dark tourist" it opens in theaters and on "video on demand" a week from friday. please welcome melanie griffith.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm great. >> jimmy: very good to see you, a very theater-like entrance. >> you know, give me a doorway and i'll do something with it. >> jimmy: i'm curious, we all have had house guests, everybody can relate to that in getting your house ready for everybody to come over. but you had president obama at your house. >> i did. >> jimmy: you and your husband, antonio banderas, what happens my they come over? >> it is amazing. >> jimmy: do you cook, or does somebody else do that? >> well, it ended up being 75 people, and then it was 160.

and at 160, i said no, i'm not cooking myself. no, but eva longoria, my friend called me up. and said hey, babe, listen, i was going to have a party, fundraiser for the president, i can't, because there is not three accesses to your home, and so you have to do it. >> jimmy: for secret service, they need three access points. >> for the president, they need it in case -- >> jimmy: and is the security -- do they go through your house? >> oh, it is amazing. so we had a week and a half, actually a very quick time to prepare for this whole thing. >> jimmy: that is a short period of time. >> and they sent three secret service guys who were with me for that week and a half. and they were wonderful. and we had to do things like go around to the neighbors and tell them that the president was coming. and could we maybe use your back

yard for some spies, i guess, that are going to be back there? to protect the president in case -- >> jimmy: snipers. >> well, unsaid it. i didn't say it. >> jimmy: well, yeah, the president has snipers, i would love to have snipers. >> i mean to protect you, wouldn't that be cool, on hollywood boulevard. >> jimmy: so you have to go around as if you're selling chocolates to your little league team, to your neighbors, asking them to do this stuff for you? and did they all say yes. >> yes, they were all very -- >> jimmy: and once you get this going, do they all sweep your house? >> yes, they said we have to leave the premises, everyone, everybody who works for us in the house. >> jimmy: you had to leave your own house? >> we had to leave our house for like three hours so they could do whatever they needed to do. >> jimmy: oh, you know they were trying on your stuff. >> right, i know, i know! >> jimmy: definitely, those secret service guys.

>> you know, actually, antonio's whip from zorro is missing, now that you mentioned it -- >> jimmy: probably down to columbia -- >> or to washington, one or the other. >> jimmy: antonio's whip is missing. so you have to vacate the house? >> we had to vacate the house, so i was a little afraid when they were doing the sweep with the dogs. there were like 70 guys in suits, dressed really nice. >> jimmy: was there anything in your house that you were worried they would find? >> yeah, a little bit. not my stuff. but -- possibly -- my husband's or my children's. i mean -- it was -- i was like, okay, you can do that but you're not going to arrest anybody if you find anything, right? yeah, i did. >> jimmy: and they said they wouldn't? >> no, it is cool. >> jimmy: wow, i think the bush

administration would have had you thrown right in -- >> baby bush, yes, but not papa bush -- >> jimmy: was it fun? >> it was great, but i have to tell one other thing that happened if you don't mind. so we had to leave. so antonio and stella went with me to get my hair done, because we didn't have anything to do for three hours before the event. and when we were coming back, we couldn't get back to our house because they had shut down everything. they shut down wilshire, they shut down 6th, la brea, we couldn't get home. so we went to wilshire. and it is totally shut down. so antonio goes baby, get out and tell the guy we have to get home. so i jumped out of the car and flagged the cop car down. and the guy is looking at me like what? not happy about it. and i said officer, listen, we're having a party for the

president. he is going to be at our house in like 45 minutes. and i got to get there because i got to get dressed and ready. so could you just like escort us home, please? and he goes yeah, right, lady. >> jimmy: really? >> and i said no, no, really, my name is melanie griffith. and he looked at me like there is no register at all. so i said okay. my husband is antonio banderas, and he is sitting in the car right over there. and he is like oh, okay, he knew him. >> jimmy: he knew him. >> and so he goes -- i said so could you let us get through or escort us home because we have got to get there? and he goes no, i'm sorry i can't, can't do that. i said okay, so i called -- our guard guy, our security guy. and he is with the secret service. and i said kevin, we can't get through. and so he goes all right, give me the policeman's badge number,

so i did. and he said tell him that he is going to get a call within two minutes. so i hang up my cell phone and say okay, officer, you're going to get a call in two minutes from somebody, i'm sure it will be somebody important. and he is like yeah, right, lady. and then the phone rang, and sure enough, he changed his tune really fast. >> jimmy: because president obama called him. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, that is something else. >> i know, because he was going yes, sir, yes, sir. >> jimmy: i want to mention your movie, dark tourist. it is a scary movie. >> yeah, it is not like about a black man who goes to aruba for vacation. >> jimmy: it was not? >> no, because some people had said that. >> jimmy: all right, well, that is good. one thing we know what it is not about. it is called "dark tourist" opens in theaters and on "video

on demand." melanie griffith. we'll be right back.

>> t >> jimmy: his new album "hall of fame" comes out august 27th - here with the song, "beware"- with some help from jhené aiko - big sean! ♪ when you said it was over you shot right through my heart why you let these -- ♪ ♪ tear what we had right apart ooh --- i was so mad i should've seen ♪ ♪ this coming right from the start you should beware beware - beware ♪ ♪ of a woman with a broken heart praying to a sky all black ♪ ♪ looking at the stars like they finna talk back looking at my phone like she finna call back ♪ ♪ but last night i feel like probably ended all that cause by now she woulda sent a text in all caps ♪ ♪ then another one tryna take all back

saying -- you i miss you or i hate you so much ♪ ♪ cause girls only say hate you to the guys they love i know i know i know the highs the lows ♪ ♪ it comes and goes you say be real i try i don't cause you take anything and just make it everything ♪ ♪ kept my phone on silent ever since you got a ring funny right and i never cheated i mean maybe ♪ ♪ once twice but one time don't change everything she ask why i don't feel the same i'm still the same ♪ ♪ she's still insane and now she's saying when you said it was over you shot right through my heart ♪ ♪ why you let these -- tear what we had right apart ooh i was so mad i should've seen this coming right ♪ ♪ from the start you should beware beware beware of a woman with a broken heart okay skeet smoke sleep ♪ ♪ call miss text woke spoke lie feel lisa ewww time kill months still i got somebody baby mama ♪ ♪ calling me daddy i drank too much please call me a cabby

penthouse after party ♪ ♪ --want that addy --they can ride with us crawl in a caddy third row is when you ♪ ♪ call i hit cancel really i hit answer -- i hate when that happens phone in my pocket ♪ ♪ for the whole night and you heard -- screamin' til my phone dies then she text me like why ♪ ♪ you still talk to my mama how the --you run around with condoms why you make me ♪ ♪ get this tattoo man --his tattoo you the reason i wasn't single in college ♪ ♪ what all because i had you -- don't even have you how am i suppose to get past you ♪ ♪ and she called the next guy spillin' some real -- now they problems he got to deal with ♪ ♪ when you said it was over you shot right through my heart why you let these --tear what we had right apart ♪ ♪ ooh i was so mad i should've seen this coming right from the start you should beware beware ♪ ♪ beware of a woman with a broken heart when you said