"jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, selena gomez, ben stein, and music from palma violets. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you for watching.

[ cheers and applause ] glad you could be here today.ñi a night for beard week, you know, it is fun yes, i have been calling it beard week all week, i am not sure it is technically a beard, one of my friends told me i looked like i dipped my face in a vat of iron. and i grew this the old fashioned way, with rogaine. hey, speaking of beard, i bet edward snowden is getting to work on one. he has been living in the moscow airport for more than a month, trying to find a country that will grant him asylum. today he entered into russia, getting his card stamped. the russian government granted snowden asylum for one year, he previously was offered asylum in bermuda, the bahamas, key largo. besides that, he was also granted asylum by venezuela, bolivia, and nicaragua, but it was going to be impossible for

him to get to any of those places because his american passport was revoked. maybe in a year he will pose as a russian bride and come back to the united states. his whereabouts are currently unknown, he could be anywhere, in one of those russian nesting dolls. but it shouldn't be too hard to find him since everyone in russia, almost everyone has a dash cam in their car. are you aware of it? because there is so much corruption involving the police, a lot of people have the dash cams in their car so they can tape everything they see while they drive. let's go to the russian dash cam and see if we can spot edward snowden. [ [ noises ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> i guess we won't see him. i know, you know, it is only august, but i believe i may have identified the number one youtube video of 2013. this actually got pulled off youtube today because of some rules they have about abusive language. a woman had rhubarb growing in her yard, and she had it by her fence, a neighbor was in the act of digging it up. and that led to this very level-headed exchange. [ bleep ].

[ bleep ] >> why don't you grow your own? >> this is not your [ bleep ] property, go somewhere else. >> well, what property -- >> go mind your business. >> no, you just don't know -- [ bleep ]. >> do you? >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ], off the property, this don't have your name on it, what is your name [ bleep ]? what is your name on that property? [ bleep ] it is anybody who wants to take it, yes, it is. >> okay, if it is anybody's property why don't you come up here and mow it? >> because my lawn mower is [ bleep ]. >> is that what rhubarb does to your voice? [ cheers and applause ] >> i don't know what the history is between the two, i guess there is some back story. but the harang did not end with that. >> go back inside. this doesn't bother you a bit. you got the [ bleep ] don't try to copy it. you try to claim everything.

>> like you have -- >> you call it, [ bleep ], call it [ bleep ], what are you? >> shut your mouth. >> why don't you go back in to your house [ bleep ]. you big [ bleep ]! >> i think i might be in love. i don't know, i think we may have found our next ambassador to the united nations. now somehow, we were able to track the rhubarb lady down, and we have her with us, via satellite. is she there? hello, can you hear me? can you hear me? >> get out of here, get out of here. >> hey, it is jimmy kimmel, and i want to talk to you about the video. >> it is -- go back inside. >> i am inside, may i ask, what was the rhubarb for? >> to serve up your [ bleep ], to get another bottle of wine,

you lesbian! >> hey, is that a pie you're making? a rhubarb pie? >> no, it is a [ bleep ] pie to shove up your [ bleep ]. >> maybe we should do a cooking show. >> well, maybe you should think about shutting the [ bleep ] up. well it has been delightful speak to you, ma'am. >> screw you, go kill yourself. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what was her name? you know what? i have a name for her. we'll call her rude barb. yesterday, a congressional oversight committee called for the tsa to take action to deal with employee misconduct issues. a new report from the government accountability office said the tsa had a 26% spike in misconduct cases between 2010 and 2012. the chairman of the subcommittee said the employees needed to cut down on the napping, the stealing, the tardiness and the disrespect. or at least the stealing. i would start with the stealing and go from there.

the report shows up to 50% of tsa agents at some airports were not doing their job standing around in small groups talking about what movie they saw last night. in january, two tsa agents went to jail for stealing $40,000 out of a bag at the airport. to jail to stealing a thousand dollars out of a bag at the airport. the tsa may be the only law enforcement agency in america that commits more crimes than they prevent. meter maids with tasers, but as long as they keep our skies clear with nail clippers and tooth paste tubes, i'm okay with it. and hawaii has a new service that they hope will reduce the homeless population, called return to home program. what they do is buy the homeless people a one-way ticket back home. which i don't know how you can go home, if you're homeless. and how can you even tell who is homeless in hawaii? no one wears shoes. but if you're homeless, the state will pay for your plane ticket and transportation to the airport. the hard part is trying to get the shopping cart in the

overhead compartment. and if homeless people don't want to fly, they will pay for them to go home on a cruise. it is just what the cruise industry needs right now, now with homeless people. i wonder -- you know, i wonder if rude barb has anything to say about this. can we get her back up -- is she still connected to us? rude barb? it is jimmy again. >> yeah, no [ bleep ]. >> what do you think about hawaii sending homeless people back home? >> is that how you got here you hobo-looking [ bleep ]. >> no. barb, have you ever been to hawaii? >> i pick my food out of a gutter. do i look like i've been to hawaii? although i'm sure, i banged don ho in the men's room of a crackle barrel last night. >> don ho died five or six years ago, oh, what is that noise? is that the pie?

is the pie ready? >> no, that is my reminder to tell you to go [ bleep ] yourself! >> okay, thank you. will do. [ cheers and applause ] >> this was interesting -- uruguay, guillermo, which is it? >> your way. >> your way? i'll do it my way. whatever it is called, uruguay is becoming the first country to fully regulate the distribution and sale of marijuana. they passed the legislation after 12 hours of debate, it could have wrapped up in an hour but they stopped to play x box. it has been legal there for years, but now they're making it legal to grow and sell it. you know, cocaine has been the issue for so many years, i think consider marijuana a vegetable. i think they put it in the

school lunches. and in the news, snowden, and hawaii, we decided to ask people a question, the question is now that uruguay has been the first country to regulate marijuana, do you think edward snowden's rejection of bolivia and asylum should entitle him to asylum in russia if they allow him a ticket to the united states? now, there is no way to answer the question well, but as we find time and time again as people stare into the barrel of a camera, they always offer something up. as we said, it is time for the confusing question of the day. >> so now that uruguay has become the first country to regulate marijuana, do you think edward snowden's rejection of bolivia and asylum should entitle him safe passage in russia if the u.s. allows him a free ticket to the united states? >> what? wait, so marijuana is legal in

uruguay, but you want to go to hawaii? >> now that uruguay has become the first country to legalize marijuana, do you think they should entitle him amnesty to russia if the united states provides him a free ticket to the united states? >> i do, i think that makes perfect sense, hawaii should provide him a ticket regardless, since he doesn't want to go to venezuela, he should go to ecuador. because they have weed, which is always the way to go. >> that makes perfect sense. >> it does. >> now that uruguay has become the first country to regulate marijuana, do you think edward snowden's rejection of bolivia should allow him asylum in russia if they allow him a free ticket to the united states? >> you say marijuana is legal? let them smoke and chill. i mean, that is what it is. if it is legal, what it is. >> now that uruguay has become the first country to legalize marijuana, do you think edward snowden's rejection should allow

him amnesty in russia if hawaii provides him a free ticket home to the u.s.? >> that could include other countries following their foot steps, i think that is a good decision for him if he promotes the marijuana claim. and if he follows through with it, it could lead to other discoveries that our nation and world can further discover. so i do believe that he should do that. >> and what exactly is that? >> legalizing or promoting the marijuana, so he could become a free member of the homeless -- [ laughter ] >> are you thinking of running for office some day? >> oh, yes, definitely, i would definitely go after my college and future. learning experiences, i think i would have a lot of -- definitely a lot of advantages

that could entitle me towards a further -- further -- um, leader of america or any country in general. >> from what you just said, i think you're perfectly qualified. [ cheers and applause ] >> somehow, the confuser has become the confused. i don't know what country he is going to run in, but let me know, because you got my vote, pal. we're going to take a break, we have a lot to come, selena gomez, ben stein, and palma violet. and this week in unnecessary censorship too, so don't go anywhere. portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by sony.

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>> jimmy: welcome back, selena gomez, ben stein, and the palma violets are here to entertain you. this is hard to believe, but there is a game show in pakistan, well, it is called -- well, that is kind of hard to believe. it is "the price is right" of pakistan, the show is broadcast for seven hours a day during the

month of ramadan, hosted by ryan seacrest. but the key difference in this show and "the price is right" in pakistan they give out babies as prizes. they sent them right down the planko board. these poor babies don't even know they're part of the game show, they don't even know where they are. it is not unlike gary busey on "the apprentice." they were looking to adopt on the show, and they surprised them with babies. but what if they lost? would the babies go back behind door number one? hey, let's run this by rude-barb. can we get her back on the air? is she there? rude barb? >> what? >> jimmy: what do you think about the game show that gives

babies away? >> what is this, a [ bleep ]? >> jimmy: do you have children? >> screw that, i did make a -- boom that was so big they had to cut it with a coat hanger. >> jimmy: that was just horrible. just terrible. >> i'm sorry, fancy man, oh, look at me, look at me, i got pie on my face, oh, anthony weiner showed me -- >> jimmy: rude barb, where do you live, i'm curious? >> i live in a little town just outside go [ bleep ] yourself, just outside [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: thank you, rude barb. guillermo -- [ cheers and applause ] guillermo, i think i found you a partner. >> jimmy: oh, by the way, i wanted to ask you things about what you tweeted. he said don't apologize and then do it again, i would try myself and then do it again. what do you mean by that? >> well, i always make a mistake. >> jimmy: what mistake did you make?

>> talk bad about my mother-in-law. >> jimmy: oh boy, what did you do? is she staying with you, your mother-in-law? and does she read twitter? >> no, somebody told her. >> jimmy: oh, somebody told her, and then he wrote this, that crush that never goes away. angelina jolie, maybe in that other life. twitter is guillermo's third language, now you said your mother-in-law was there, and upset with you, and now you're tweeting about angelina jolie? >> well, that is my crush, angelina jolie. >> jimmy: and you felt you needed to share that? >> well, my mother-in-law doesn't care. >> jimmy: all right, okay, does your wife read your twitter? >> yeah, she does. >> jimmy: you make it sound like you dated angelina in high school? >> maybe in my other life. >> jimmy: one more thing,

thursday night, time for our tribute to the fcc, where we bleep and blur things, this week in unnecessary censorship. [ cheers and applause ] >> also had a [ bleep ] on the pope's statement when he said who am i to [ bleep ] gay people. >> weiner, getting smaller, let's play hard ball. >> it is a very gritty movie, you want to take a nice hot shower after watching parts of this. >> with weiner, you say what is this guy doing this. other than stroking [ bleep ], back to you. >> i was never against the [ bleep ], just against doing the [ bleep ]. >> i'm laughing the whole time i'm [ bleep ] their -- >> you agree to what you can. along the way. and if they buy that [ bleep ], you may be in business. >> what was your smart thing?

>> i have [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> i'm sure we both with [ bleep ]. >> hahahaha. >> there is a lot of people walking around with bulging disks, and get an mri, all of a sudden you think the disk that is causing the pain -- >> they're crazy little creatures that live inside of us. we're going to have to jump, shake, ship them out ♪ >> we're going to have to jump, shake and ship them out. we got to jump, shake, ship them out ♪ >> yeah, yeah. >> we got to jump, shake, ship them out. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the show, ben stein is here. we have music from palma violets. and we'll be right back with selena gomez, so don't go. [ cheers and applause ] ,,

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duhamel, duha is here.

we have music, bak making their television debut all the way from london, it is called palm a violets. and next week, harrison ford, jason sudeikis, music from mayor hawthorne, joan jett and the blackhearts, so join us then. >> jimmy: our first guest tonight is having a very good summer. she turned 21 years old, her new album called "stars dance" just debuted at #1, and on august 30th, her movie "getaway" opens in theaters, and not just any theaters, movie theaters. please say hello to selena gomez. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, i don't know why i do that to myself, i can't move. >> jimmy: well, yeah, when you

try the dress on you're standing, and then you can't sit. but you look great, it is worth while, and it will only be a short period of time. congratulations, you have the number one album, that has to be an exciting thing. [ cheers and applause ] >> i know, i can't believe it. after four albums, i can't -- i'm really -- >> jimmy: is this the first one that debuted to number one? >> yes. >> jimmy: well, who broke the news to you? >> well, somebody screen shots it to me, i didn't believe it, i thought it was a joke. like five people or ten people, i had to call my mom, to find out if it was true. so everybody knew before me. >> jimmy: mom knew? >> we -- yes, nobody decided to tell me. >> jimmy: mom knew? was jay-z angry -- not one of those shootie rappers, because this could be trouble for you. did you ever go buy your own cd? the record store? >> i have, i was 15 or 16, and

bought it with my grandparents, it was really exciting. >> jimmy: did you make sure it was positioned in the front of the row? and that sort of thing? yeah, of course you have to. >> i honestly did, i was so excited. >> jimmy: did you cover your face when you went through the checkout line? >> no, nobody cared. >> jimmy: your grandparents must have been excited. oh, and you had a big 21st birthday. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: did you have a big party? >> i did, yeah, i had a really big party, it was really fun. >> jimmy: how many people were invited to the party? >> i invited 100 plus one, so they invited their plus ones. >> jimmy: so about 200 people. >> and did you have a theme? was it like a -- >> yeah, i wanted it to feel like you were in a genie's bottle. so i had pretty curtains and candles and belly dancers. >> jimmy: really? >> yes, i had girls dressed up as mermaids, and i was so fascinated by them, i basically spent the whole party with them

the same night. yeah, i thought it was so hard -- were they swimming? or just kind of sitting? >> everybody was like giving them shots, i was like what are you doing? >> jimmy: we got a dead mermaid on our hands, did you get a lot of presents? did people bring you gifts? >> yeah, i'm an ambassador of unicef, so i asked -- >> jimmy: did they listen? because i did that at my wedding and nobody listened. they kind of just gave me gifts anyway. >> they did the alcohol, a lot of that for my birthday. >> jimmy: because you're 21. although the truth is now that you can buy it, who cares? you really wanted it on your 16th birthday. >> basically. >> jimmy: you wanted a big jug of vodka on your 16th birthday, anything that could get you drunk. and now you're going to go on tour.

will your mom be coming on tour with you? because i know she used to tour with you? >> yes, my mom just had my first baby sister, my sibling, so she will be at home. >> jimmy: oh, that is good, did you somehow intentionally impregnate her -- >> they wanted a baby for a while. so my step dad really wanted -- >> jimmy: that is a big age difference. >> yeah, i'm the person who cuddles with her, sleep with her, anything that happens, she throws up. i'm like mom, hey, but i'm not very helpful. but she is so cute. >> jimmy: yeah, it is not your responsibility, your mother is the one who did this. now, you're in this movie with ethan hawk, did you even -- do you know who he is? >> yes, i love ethan hawke. >> jimmy: and you're in this movie called "getaway". in it you try to get away?

>> yes. >> his wife gets kidnapped. and he used to be a pro race driver. >> he has to use abilities and this voice, this character is telling him what to do to get his wife back and he ends up stealing my car. i'm like this punk kid, and i have to help him on the way. >> jimmy: well, we have a clip here. let's take a look. >> look out! >> what are you talking about? >> you're not making yourself very hard to find! >> you're really not helping. >> stop! great. >> jimmy: there you are. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it is called

"getaway." where did you shoot that? on the 405? >> jimmy, jimmy, i got a question for selena! i got a question for selena! >> jimmy: hey, i'm right in the middle of an interview. >> shut up! hey, selena, long-time fan. first time caller! and see the way they placed your character, alex's best friend harper finds out you're a wizard, my question is, what is it like to sit next to a smelly guy like jimmy? i'll take my answer off the air, she is all yours. >> jimmy: all right, i don't even know why i let him in -- selena gomez, her cd, number one in the country. "getaway" opens in theaters. august 30th. thank you, selena. you do not have to answer that

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[ cheers and applause ] jimmy: welcome back, our next guest is now or has been a presidential speechwriter, professor, author, actor and emmy-winning game show host all in one lifetime. please welcome beautiful ben stein [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm great, how are you? >> jimmy: good, it is good to see you, how long have we known each other? >> since you were a kid, close to 20 years. >> jimmy: yeah, pretty close to 20 years, we did a game show together. >> yes, a wonderful game show. you were the reason it was on for -- >> jimmy: not true, but thank you -- you were wearing the sneakers, the same pair of sneakers -- >> you can't blame a guy for crying --

saved every penny. >> jimmy: you made a major announcement on facebook a few weeks ago that i wanted to ask you about. i have it here, it said hey, everyone, i have a public service announcement, i am coming out of the closet, i am an a-one homosexual, i am so relieved to invite my man -- now what happened? off my chest -- now, what happened? >> i am not gay. i have never been gay. and this is -- >> jimmy: a little bit -- >> a little bit. and this was a hack job. and i didn't even know a thing about it. and i was driving up to malibu, and a very beautiful woman that i know slightly in malibu, very well actually in malibu. and she called me and said i'm so excited for you, it is so wonderful. and i said what are you talking about? she told me about it. and when i got out and looked it up on line i found out i had all of this fan mail, they said we always liked you but now we like you even more.

[ laughter ] >> and i had an e-mail from a friend whom i've known since 1961, high school, in montgomery high school, in silver springs, maryland. and he said i can't believe, all the girlfriends, you have been married twice, what is that all about? you have been hiding it all this time? i said no, it is a hack job, the response was so amazing, i think i should become gay. >> jimmy: i think my favorite one is, this woman, laurel, said my son came out in college, bless your heart for coming out. don't ever hide from us again. >> well, you don't need to be a weather man to know which way the wind blows, and it is blowing from west hollywood. >> jimmy: tell us something about ben stein that no one knows. >> well, my wife knows this, that i have seen the 3-d 2013 version of "the great gatsby" in

theaters, and if it were playing last time i saw it was a couple of blocks from here at the chinese, i would go see it again tonight. and i would see it every night of my life. >> jimmy: the great gatsby. >> i love it, it is my favorite, and gone with the wind, and skyfall -- and then -- >> jimmy: okay, so maybe you're a little gay for leonardo dicaprio. >> it is not leonardo, it is the guy who plays the criminal jewish gangster, whose name is wolf schein, and he grabs him and says, my boy, you just smell so good. i just love that character. >> jimmy: i don't think baz lerman saw it that many times and he directed. that is a terrific thing to know about it. >> well, i have seen sky fall 20 times, gone with the wind at least 20 times and blade runner

at least 20 times. >> jimmy: i know what i'm going to get you for the holidays, a dvd player. i think it will be -- >> i have a dvd player and i'm going to get a 3-d player to watch gatsby in 3-d, because i think -- >> jimmy: wow, there is something very strange about that. don't you think? >> have you seen it? >> jimmy: yeah, i did, i liked it. one time was enough. >> it is about the intersection of love and money, and that is a big intersection, like the intersection of the 5 and the 101. that is a big intersection. >> jimmy: now, as i mentioned we worked together on a game show. and you now have a game show that is based on the format from -- >> from a foreign country. >> jimmy: our game show, they did it in a foreign country. but in this case, you kind of are going the other way. >> right, we're importing the basic format, i think it will work in the country. >> jimmy: and this is the

pakistani game show, it will be on this network, in fact, i believe we have a clip. >> ben stein is back with an all-new game show. >> i'm so excited. which founding father is generally considered to be the author of the declaration of independence? >> thomas jefferson. >> that is correct. you get a baby. he is one of my favorites. >> one host, 5,000 babies, winner takes all. the babies. >> what great lake shares its name with the large canadian province? >> lake ontario. >> exactly right. >> you win two more babies. >> don't worry, i have plenty more. >> win ben stein's babies, followed by an all-new baby wipeout. gaa gaa goo goo. only on abc. [ cheers and applause ] >> i didn't want to spend my lifetime being bored. >> jimmy: of all the many things

you have done over the course of your career what do people bring up most to you? >> ferris bueller. >> jimmy: does that get lame? >> no, i love it. a few months ago i was on an airplane, i always give speeches, i was sitting next to a man who said oh, my gosh, my name is really bueller. and people are always teasing me about ferris bueller. i said that is great, i have to sleep, it's a long flight, we're going to new york, he would not shut up about that the whole time. but other than that, i love it. i walk to my destination, and people say bueller, bueller, say bueller, bueller. and i still don't get why it is funny, but i love it. it is like having won the lottery. >> jimmy: give it to our audience, just for the heck of it. they have to be quiet. >> all right, in 1931, the republican controlled congress

in an effort to stop the, anyone, anyone know the -- the great something -- great depression, passed into law the holly smooth tariff act, which, anyone raise -- but the main point is, i'm looking for ferris bueller, and i say adams, adamowsky, bueller, bueller, bueller. bueller. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ben stein, everybody. we'll be right back with music from palma violet.

>> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. shhhhh! in our day, we didn't have u-verse high speed internet. yeah, our babysitter didn't have a million ways to serve mom up on a silver platter. we had to count sheep to fall asleep. and i always worried that i was creating an overcrowded sheep farm. in my head... never looked like that farmer took proper care of those sheep. too much? a little. [ male announcer ] connect all your wi-fi-enabled devices with u-verse high speed internet. rethink possible.

the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. >> jimmy: their album, "one-eighty," is out now. they are here all the way from england, making their u.s. television debut with the song "best of friends," palma violets.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i see alaina in the distance shouting out a word ♪ ♪ and she runs through persistence oh her mind is so absurd ♪ ♪ oh love oh love ♪ jumping jolly 'til the end i wanna be your friend ♪

♪ i wanna be your best friend ♪ i don't want you to be my girl ♪ ♪ i wanna be your best friend ♪ i don't want you to be my i don't want you to be ♪ ♪ well well well i see witness wendy ♪ ♪ her short hair and her pistol boots ♪ ♪ oh man she's always ready to take that line and finally shoot ♪ ♪ oh lord oh lord ♪ jumping jolly 'til the end i wanna be your friend ♪

♪ i wanna be your best friend ♪ i don't want you to be my girl ♪ ♪ i wanna be your best friend ♪ i don't want you to be my i don't want you to be my ♪ ♪ i wanna be your best friend ♪ i don't want you to be my girl ♪ ♪ i wanna be your best friend ♪ i don't want you to be my i don't want you to be my ♪ ♪