a ♪ >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, bill hader, fitness guru richard simmons, and music from alpine. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody. thank you for watching.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i -- i know most of you are here for the air conditioning. but i welcome you nonetheless. what a show we have for you tonight, the very funny bill hader is here with us. a band from australia, which is the place where they make kangaroos. alpine is here [ cheers and applause ] we will get a visit from richard simmons, too, richard might be -- and i say this in the best possible way, he may be the craziest person. i say this in a good way. he brought barbie dolls -- what did he say to you? >> he said to guillermo, he goes guillermo, i just want to make sweet love to you on a big plate of carne asada, and then i left. and he goes look at this guy.

you shouldn't eat for an f-ing year. i was like thanks. >> jimmy: something to think about. and he made fun of our announcer dickey's hair, what did he say? >> i'm not sure. it was brief, but it was wonderful. your rug, he mentioned rug, i kept moving, jimmy, i just kept moving. >> jimmy: he said he wanted to walk his feet through -- >> tip toe through my rug. >> jimmy: this is lovely, and this is in a span of about four minutes. he is a nut. i say this, i admire richard simmons, not just his passion to helping people lose weight, but also, wearing the same outfit for the last 40 years. so richard will be here -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know, they -- they announced the new cast of dancing with the stars this morning. as is the custom, president obama introduced the new cast at

a press conference on the white house lawn. this will be the 17th season of dancing with the stars, still no stars, actually it is not true, the celebrities trying for the crown, leah remini, bill engvall, amber riley from glee, bill and i, the science guy, and corbin bl corbinbleu, who is either a star for shampoo -- oh, i almost forget, snooki will be there. he said if she wins the trophy, she will hollow it out and live inside of it. so that will be fun. there will be changes to dancing with the stars, the results were on monday, and tuesday, instead of two shows, they will have one two-hour episodes on monday nights. and i think they're also cutting

the cha-cha down to just one cha. so that is a good idea. you know they say if it ain't broke don't fix it. something like that. and the nfl season starts tomorrow night. the super bowl champions, ravens, and broncos -- i had a weak moment the other day. i wanted to watch golf for half an hour, it is depressing. it is not really the golf that is depressing, it is the commercials that come on. it is the life insurance and the erection pills, for a man it is a terrible look into the future. and sport's reporter aaron chesluk was covering the pga tour event, the title's sponsor helped to earn aaron the excellence in reporting. >> players teeing off started the douchebag championship --

>> jimmy: i know that was a mistake, but i would actually watch a douchebag championship. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for your support. senator john mccain got caught in an embarrassing moment yesterday. a photographer from "the washington post" caught him playing poker on his phone, during the first public hearing on the potential action in syria. caught playing poker on his phone. sounds like something anthony weiner would have been caught doing. and while some believe it may be inappropriate to play a video game while the committee is deciding whether or not to kill people and decide to star a war, i say the man is 114 years old, john mccain, we should be impressed he is even wearing pants. never mind the assault -- in england, newly released records show that last year alone more than 300,000 attempts were made to access pornography using

computers located within english parliament. with all of those pictures of margaret thatcher hanging on the wall, how can you not? i guess that explains why the queen is always wearing gloves. some said it was not all that, they believe the ads were pop-up ads for people going on porn sites, and the ads -- so it is probably only 100,000 attempts to access porn. our politicians don't look at porn at work, our politicians make porn at work. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there is -- this is an incredible story, a chimp in russia, his name is john, solid name for a chimp, by the way. john is famous in russia because he drinks alcohol and smokes cigarettes.

i guess he worked in a casino and he made friends with the cocktail waitress, i don't know. so he put john in rehab to get him to quit smoking. here is a good way to get a chimp to quit smoking, stop giving him cigarettes, it is not like he can run to 7-eleven to get cigarettes. apparently that didn't work, so they took him to rehab, and dr. drew apparently got through to him. so they took him to the zoo where he lives, for anyone who thinks we didn't evolve from chimps, take a look at this. this is the chimp we're talking about. he is smoking. endorsing. i don't know what he is doing there. embarrassed, i guess? about something. there he is wearing a shirt. and finally, well, you know what? that is exactly what i look like before i go to bed. right before i go to bed.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: with the other smoking chimps. people are still talking about miley cyrus, with her performance on the show. no classical ballet training whatsoever. still, she went through a very raunchy routine with teddy bears, and a finger, it was weird. she says people are over-thinking it. and maybe she is under-thinking it. a lot of people were upset by her performance. she was a child star, and in fairness, she is not a child star anymore. and it is mtv, it is not a disney parade. i thought we would show this clip to my aunt chippy, she loves popular music. we sat her down today, showed her the tape and here is what she thought of the whole thing. >> hi, it is aunt chippy, we're here to take a look and see what

they're talking about with miley cyrus, let's see what is going on. i don't know what teddy bears have to do with the -- she comes out sticking her tongue out. great, you look great. stick your tongue in your mouth, you little schmuck! she has not even got a nice hairdo, she looks like [ bleep ]. she has not sung one word yet. not one word yet! she is not that great a dancer either. all she does is stick her tongue out. charming. you're charming. it's a shame you made yourself a name doing something decent, and now you got to be a pig! you're a pig! it is like a thing nowadays that

we got to see who is the biggest animal pig, blob, slut -- gabone in the world? is that what it has come to? you know, i can't stand it that all she is doing is touching herself. i think this is called senior citizen harassment. what music will do to me. you make me watch [ bleep ] that i wouldn't watch in my own living room. and you make me watch it [ bleep ] and i got to even talk about it. i have more respect for the madam of the brothel, she is passing herself off as a madam. the madam says at least i have girls working for me and they're honest about it. this one is passing herself off

as a singer, and she is nothing but a little twerp, she should get her butt beaten by her father, i know who he is, billy. he should tell her, stay home, you can do that. [ bleep ] start being a parent [ bleep ] and the other [ bleep ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: don't encourage her. thank you, aunt chippy. we need to take a break, when we come back we have our confusing question of the day. this is extra confusing. it involves miley cyrus and syria, plus, bill hader and music from alpine, so stay up. [ berman ] applebee's 2 for $20 menu is one app and two entrees for only 20 bucks. abc's "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by applebee's. see you tomorrow.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone, welcome back. bill hader, richard simmons and music from alpine are on the docket. i would like to wish you happy new year to the people who are jewish. i don't know a lot about it, regular new year but brisket, a lot of the writers here are jewish, it left me in a tough spot, they had to leave early at sundown, so i asked guillermo to write me some jokes. did you write me some jokes? >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: all right, you have one here about john mccain, this is how much john mccain cares

about syria, good start. playing poker -- and his phone. john mccain playing videos games. i am wondering if he is going to remember to take his medicine. i hope he is not thinking to send naked picture from his cell phone to his wife, like anthony wein weiner. a new season of dancing with the stars, dancing with the stars starts, new season cast, snooki polizzi, you even put her last name? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you know her last name? >> yeah. >> jimmy: she should be in pre school instead of dancing. it is -- avi has gone too far now. they don't let kids dance, if i were in charge of dancing with the stars, i should put amanda bynes, lamar odor?

snoop lion -- >> well, snoop dog, he changed his name. >> jimmy: it will be like dancing and rehab together. one more, miley cyrus's performance at the vmas, boring, i would rather watch soccer for 24 hours or listen to my mother-in-law problem. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: she wants to make historic, but she fails u.s. world history. i don't think she know what history mean. okay, just one tip in the future, should this ever happen again, which it won't. >> okay. >> jimmy: you have to write them from my point of view. >> oh, okay. >> jimmy: my mother-in-law speaks english. >> yeah, i know. >> jimmy: but thank you, though, happy roshashan, are you jewish? you don't want to offend anyone, thank you, guillermo. >> you're welcome. >> jimmy: you know, there are a lot of big stories as we just heard going on right now.

unfortunately, we don't have time to cover all of them. so to remedy that, we went out on hollywood boulevard today and asked pedestrians a bunch of different things at once. we asked pedestrians, do you agree with president obama's decision to seek approval for military action against miley syria in response to twerking of civilians, using vmas? now, would you have an answer to that question? i don't think i would. but some people did. and here is our confusing question of the day. [ cheers and applause ] >> do you agree with president obama's decision to seek congressional approval for military action against miley syria in response to twerking of civilians using vma? >> you know, i have mixed feelings on that. i believe we need to do something and don't need to wait

too long. but i think we all need to be in this together and there should be no second-guessing on what we're doing. >> do you agree with president obama's decision to seek congressional approval against miley syria in response to twerking of civilians using vma? >> personally, i don't agree with that, because he is the president. he should not ask any approval from congressional office or whatever. >> i agree, agree. my answer is -- pretty much took the words right out from my mouth. >> do you agree with president obama's decision to seek congressional approval for military action against miley syria in response to twerking of civilians using vmas? >> yeah, i mean, i do, i think that a decision that you know -- that he backs up, and you know, i think it will help with the situation. i didn't -- know that question on that. what does that really mean? >> well, you know, it is about

president obama's decision to seek congressional approval for military action against miley syria in response to twerking of civilians using vmas? >> oh, okay. like so -- okay. i don't understand the question. >> but do you agree? >> yeah, yes, i do. >> do you think it is appropriate that john mccain was seen twerking during a senate hearing? >> it was just a performance, you know, i don't really care about it. it is like a performance, and it is whatever, pretty much. >> that is just john mccain being john mccain. >> exactly, that is my point. >> what scares you the most about vmas? >> everything. >> what reminds with hug me? >> sorry. >> what rhymes with hug me?

>> what is the question? >> what rhymes with hug me? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, richard simmons will be here, we have music from alpine and we'll be right back with bill hader. so come on back. hi, i'm cherry. and i'm here to talk about your bums. these are bum-wipes. do you think that would be quite an interesting addition to your dry routine? yes. so you like using them? i do. because you feel... ultimately clean, i guess. you're welcome to borrow my container. it's new, look at that. would you ever use these? i think i should. would you like to have a go? yeah, we could do that. it's awesome! [ cherry ] nothing leaves you feeling cleaner and fresher than the cottonelle care routine. so let's talk about your bum on facebook. where to next?

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, tonight on the program, a living legend in the world of fitness who i believe just might be my biological father. richard simmons is here. we have music tonight by a band from melbourne, australia, which is fun. their debut album is called "a is for alpine." alpine, from the sony stage. tomorrow night, jane lynch and jerry o'connell will be with us. and we'll have music from 2 chainz. and we have a new show for you on friday with celine dion and jim o'heir from parks and recreation, who often get confused for each other. it's a shame we couldn't get celine dion and 2 chainz here together. >> jimmy: our first guest is a very gifted performer. he tickled us in secret places for 8 seasons on saturday night live and you can hear him now as flint lockwood in the new movie "cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2."

it opens in theaters september 27th, please say hello to bill hader. [ cheers and applause ] >> hi! what a nice audience. >> jimmy: they're very enthusiastic. you almost didn't make it here tonight. >> i almost didn't make it. i just got in two hours ago. >> jimmy: i glad you did make it. what was going on? >> i was at seth meyer's wedding at martha's vineyard. >> jimmy: did somebody go awww. >> he is off the market, ladies. seth meyer's wedding, i was supposed to leave monday, but all of us kept getting fogged in. it was like every morning at the martha's vineyard's airport, the

entire cast of snl, we were all there and then we got fogged in. >> jimmy: sounds like a potentially terrible movie, actually. >> it was, starring jet li! we're at a place called the hobnob inn. and they had amazing scones at tea time. >> jimmy: oh really. >> which were phenomenal, and tuesday, the flight got cancelled again, and we were like -- no, kristin wiig was like, let's get on the ferry. and i was like i kind of want to go back to the hobnob inn and have scones, and it was a little like "the shining." i was like i'm glad to be back, and they were like you've always been here. >> jimmy: now, did your wife and

kids go with you? >> no, my wife was stuck with both kids so that was a great conversation. it was like hey, honey, i got to stay at martha's vineyard another day. and then seth meyer loved it too, he just got married. and i was like buddy, guess whose plane just got delayed again. would you and your lovely bride like to join me for a 10:30 screening of blue jasmine? no, we're good. >> jimmy: were you a huge movie nerd growing up? >> yes, i was a huge movie nerd growing up, almost more than comedies. when i did "snl," i got more jazzed when the directors came, like when steven spielberg came and did the director's cast, i was freaking out. oh, thank you [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: they may have been clapping for steven spielberg. >> they were like jaws -- thank you, i directed that. >> jimmy: now, did you talk to him? >> yes, but i was nerdy, i talked to him about other things, it was pretty cool you did christopher lee, and he was like i see what you're doing. >> jimmy: oh really? >> no, he was incredibly nice, and martin scorcese was there, and he was so awesome. and i was like, can i hug you? >> jimmy: did he allow hugs? >> and i was kind of like, it was awkward, he is so little -- >> jimmy: you worked in a movie theater, i used to live in tempe, arizona -- which movie theater. >> i worked as an usher at the movie theater, the crazy thing was remember the movie "he got

game," with spike lee and denzel washington, people constantly had sex during "he got game." they were like two people are having sex in the back of the theater. he got game again, it was like throw a bucket of water on them. it was like guys, guy, guy, some guy is like if i stop right now i will die. no, we can't stop, i'm so sorry. >> jimmy: which movie, specifically? >> it is about basketball, there is something about that movie and basketball. it was like the "50 shades of gray" of the late '90s, i was like what is going on. >> jimmy: now the last time we were on television together was a telethon in new york, do you remember this? the night to benefit the stars, autism -- and we have a clip, let's show that clip. >> oh, boy. hey, kids, if you're watching

it. oh, my god's sakes. >> jimmy: yeah, that was volunteervodka that -- >> did you see tom hank's face, tom was like, do not come over here, buddy -- yeah, there was stefan and the whole thing about jet doing shots of vodka, and i looked at zack, he looked at john stewart. >> jimmy: if you did that on an elevator, i would probably do that. >> oh, good to know. >> jimmy: when we come back, we go from vodka to spitting, to children's movies. bill hader is here. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony.

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trying to learn to swim so they can attack lady liberty! >> wait, you're doing this alone? >> well, yeah, but please don't tell dad. if he finds out, he is going to want to come too. >> well, i'm coming. >> what? no, i promised i would go alone. >> there is no talking him out

of this, is there? >> no. >> sam, it is going to be deadly dangerous. >> that is why we'll need help. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i noticed you, while we were playing the clip -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: during your lines, your mouth was moving. >> my mouth was momentarily moving along with the lines. i did that so many times -- that long line -- >> jimmy: how many times would you do a line like that? >> i would say over multiple sessions, over multiple years at least 100s of times, over and over and over. >> jimmy: that is too many, isn't it? >> yeah, and your brain doesn't want to accept that. and i would like come home or do a session for meatballs and then go do a session of "snl," and look like jack nicoleson after a

session of one flew over the cucoos's nest. i would say things over and over and over, like come on, let's go, guys, or come on, let's go! let's go. and they would be like bill, that is great, can we do a series of another hundred? >> jimmy: you were very funny on the show of james franco. did you enjoy that? >> yeah, yeah, that was real nerve wracking because i had never done anything like that before. >> jimmy: your first roast. >> it was not so much as people saying things about me, but a comedy audience. >> jimmy: a fight going on. >> and everybody was like is he going to make it? but yeah, it was a lot of fun i played this character, the president of hollywood. with a suit on. hello, everybody.

>> jimmy: did james franco have fun at the roast? because it is hard to tell with him. >> james -- i haven't talked to him about it at all, and seth rogen was kind of working with all of us. and so i showed it to james, talking about it. we're about to go out. and james says hey, what happens at these things? he never saw these before, he goes wait, are they going to just bust on you or me -- i was like you are the weirdest guy -- >> jimmy: did you know him previously? >> oh, yeah, i was the assistant on the james dean movie, when we played james dean, so i would bring him red bull and candy and cigarettes every day, and he would thank me as james dean, he was like okay -- >> jimmy: he is still drinking red bull, as if that existed in that time. >> i invented this.

and then -- >> jimmy: this is going to be huge. >> yeah, he was like i invented this thing. i invented my camera, i drove here. >> jimmy: hey, have you ever met richard simmons before? >> i just did. >> jimmy: hey, do you want to say hi to him? >> yeah, i'm a little tired. >> jimmy: this will be good, though, your wife will be madder. >> yeah, she will be with both kids watching me and richard simmons, it will be great. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with richard simmons. [ cheers and applause ]

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[ cheers and applause ] bill hader is here, >> jimmy: our next guest is a curly-headed, svarovski crystal-studded ball of inspiration in the shortest shorts on television. he is here tonight because he loves us, please say hello to richard simmons. [ cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: richard simmons. the music ran out, richard.

>> i am -- >> that is what it looked like in the back of "he got game". >> jimmy: you're wearing pants, what is going on with you? oh, my god. i -- >> it's like -- >> jimmy: that will give you a paper cut, how are you? it is very good to see you. how are you? what is going on with -- you're not dressed in your normal theme! >> he married someone else. >> jimmy: what are you wearing here? what is this? you got a lot of buttons on that jacket. >> why don't you push them! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm not looking for

trouble. >> i know, i'm going to behave. >> jimmy: how is everything? >> i'm blessed. >> jimmy: your life is good? >> yes. >> jimmy: you have been working on a music career, i understand? >> yes. >> jimmy: are you allowed to cry? >> it is very overwhelming. >> jimmy: is it? >> yes, it is, look at all of these nice people here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i heard you were working on an album of duets. >> yes. >> jimmy: and you are lining up very famous people to sing with you? >> katy perry. >> jimmy: katy perry, who i happen to have a picture of -- >> that is not me, that is jane fonda dressed as me. >> jimmy: she agreed to sing with you? >> no, but if she does, i'll just sing both parts. >> no, but if she does, i'lli ag with you?

>> no one. >> jimmy: who would you like to sing with you? >> bonnie raitt, michael buble. >> jimmy: very serious singers. >> okay, we don't have to have a serious singer, now listen to me. i want to sing with you! >> jimmy: what is going on? >> i need to have a plane -- >> jimmy: what do you think of stones as far as health goes? >> they go right to your ass. >> jimmy: well, you look pretty good. [ cheers and applause ] >> i want to sing with -- >> jimmy: you want to sing with -- pit bull? >> i want to sing with -- okay,

i wrote 29 songs. >> jimmy: 29 songs? that seems like too many. >> and i did -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is you and katy perry there. how many workout videos have you made? >> 70. >> jimmy: 70 workout videos. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but we have one of your new workout videos, and well -- let's roll that clip, shall we? >> hi, it is me, richard simmons, and you will love my brand-new workout, twerking to the oldies, twerk off those pounds to good-time rock and roll. you have to get moving, i brought my friends from twerk desoleil, you will meet mad marty, dizzy dottie, and

grandpa, once you get the hang of it, the sky is the limit. >> order two and get richard simmons's twerk-off shorts absolutely free on vhs. >> twerk it! [ cheers and applause ] >> besides doing this, i work with a charity called "hope unlimited". >> jimmy: why are you crying already? >> i went to an orphanage where they didn't have water and i dug a well. is that funny? >> jimmy: it seems like it's a terrible orphanage -- it is not funny when you don't have water -- what are you doing? >> nothing. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what is going on? >> this is happening!

>> jimmy: tell me more about the orphanage! wow. oh, my goodness. wow! [ audience cheers ] >> oh, man -- >> jimmy: richard, is there something you're trying to tell us? what is -- what are you -- is this what you wore to the orphanage? >> you know, that is not funny. >> jimmy: you don't think that is funny. >> no. >> jimmy: well, let me know what

is funny. >> seriously, how many of you do charity work? [ singing ] >> jimmy: i don't know what is happening, everybody. richard simmons, everybody. be right back with alpine. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony.

the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony. >> jimmy: their debut album is called "a is for alpine." playing the song, "gasoline" from melbourne, australia, alpine. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ there's gasoline in your heart there's fire in mine i know i'm never gonna light you but ♪ ♪ there's always night time there's a light i've found in your eyes that i've never found in mine i ♪ ♪ know i i could never ever

show you but there's always night time knowing i wish it wasn't ♪ ♪ just the night time knowing i wish it wasn't just the night time knowing i wish it wasn't ♪ ♪ just the night time ah ah ah ah ah there's gasoline in your heart i could have your fire ♪ ♪ i know that this is momentary imagine it's night time knowing i wish it wasn't just the ♪ ♪ night time knowing i wish it wasn't just the night time knowing i wish it

wasn't just the night time ♪ ♪ ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah how how can you feel ah ah ah ah ah ♪ ♪ ah ah ah ah ah can you feel ah ah ah ah ah i wish it wasn't just the night time i wish it ♪