tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC September 9, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
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i don't care what your parents say, i'm proud of you. i stand before you tonight with a stomach full of quacamole and a hint of hot sauce behind my ears because the nfl returned this weekend. we bid our wives and families adieu. by the way, if you didn't do well in your fantasy league this weekend, don't worry, it's not real. it's meaningless. monday night football started tonight. the nfl is taking the new safety first initiative very seriously. unnecessary roughness carry a penalty of 15 yards. am i the only one who watches mostly for the huddles? huddles is my thing. there was a strange moment during fox's wrap-up show, the
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o.t. last night. erin andrews was covering the game and pay special attention to the guy on the left side of your skren. >> hello. you bruno mars will be the halftime performer, fox will be unveiling what other acts will be performing during the halftime show. hopefully i can meet them. >> like a hipster in the headlights. we move to the "today show" also in new york and see if anyone looks familiar to you there. >> good morning. >> you don't know what is going on there. >> exactly. >> little did you know that they could be used at the pool. >> i mean, it's like where's weirdo. that was nothing compared to the
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unusual young man who popped up deering an interview during saturday's game. >> we welcome you back. and what a pleasure to introduce marshall mathers. he is going to join me saturday night with our music info starting next saturday night. i want to take you to a world preview of one of his new videos called bezerk. >> eminem found himself in the middle of an interview. who better to promote ber zerk than brett? he kept referring to eminem as my friend. they own a vacation home together. they did have a small disagreement over which one of them was a legend. >> you're a legend. >> thank you. >> you are the legend. >> you are the legend. >> you are the legend. >> you are a legend, my friend.
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>> you, my friend, are the legend. >> that's a 15 yard penalty. another strange thing, dennis rodman left for north korea last week. unfortunately, he came back. he went to north korea for a second time to meet with his friend kim jong un. is it possible that kim jong un thinks that rodman is president obama? [ applause ] he said he is going to try to get kim to release an american citizen who has been locked up in a north korean prison camp. but you know how it is when you travel, how you get always get everything? so he didn't get him. rodman claims that he was asked to train the north korean basketball team.
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he said the players are hungry. not for players, for food. this friendship is beyond the imagination, really. not since hitler and sea biscuit has there been a more unconventional athlete dictator relationship. this is rodman's second trip this year. he is like that new friend you hang out with once and suddenly he's at your apartment every night sleeping on your couch. rodman held a press conference today. it was about as coherent as you would expect rodman to be. he believes he is an ambassador of some kind. and at one point seemed annoyed that president obama has made no attempt to contact him. >> guess what? syria, really? i'm being honest. guess what? this guy doesn't want to do one thing is have a conversation
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with you. that's it. so why are you afraid to talk to dennis rodman? you talk to beyonce and jay-z, why not me. i'm pretty important now. what's up now, obama? talk to me. >> i have no idea why he wouldn't want to talk to you. dennis rodman may not be our smartest foreign policy expert, but he is certainly our dumbest. one reporter asked him if he had kim jong un's phone number. >> you also said that we should give the marshall a call. do you have a personal cell phone for him that you can share with us right now? >> i have all of the logistics of him, the prime minister, everybody, i have all of their numbers. e-mails, everything. i'm not going to do that to you guys. guess what? i'm going to give you guys this one thing, it will be a best
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seller. he gave me the rights for me and him to sit down for one month and me and him is gonna write a book together. there you go. >> me and him wrote a book together. if they do wind up writing a book together, i am starting a book club and that will be our first selection. [ applause ] is it possible that his brain has been pierced? arizona senator john mccain made a surprising statement at a town hall event in phoenix. somebody asked him about marijuana and he said maybe we should legalize it. we are certainly moving that way. i respect the will of the people. sure, now that he is at glaucoma age, he's all for marijuana. but it's a rare progressive stance for a man who just recently discovered velcro. opinions appear to be changing in the united states. a survey released last week
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showed that drug use among teenagers went down but it went way up among people's aged 60 to 64. grandma didn't forget, she's stoned. drug use has more than doubled 50 to 54 and tripled between 55 and 59-year-olds although most of that is because of willie nelson. one pharmaceutical company is clearly trying to cash in. >> you know, at my age it's important that i get the fiber i need to keep my healthy and just a little [ bleep ] up. the same fast dissolving fiber rich supplement that you love now with a hint of thc. keeping your digestive system
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and your mind loose. >> ask your dealer if it is right for you. do not take it if you're on shrooms. it may result in a nagging suspicion that everyone is watching. may cause dry mouth and a profound sense of oneness. keep out of reach of pets, although that would be hilari s hilarious. stop taking if it lasts more than four hours. >> my toes are gone. they're gone. >> mari-musel, to help you shizzle. >> available at wall greens. join >> jimmy: we have a video called "worst twerk fail ever". a girl attempting to make a sexy video for her boyfriend. but she had trouble with the dismount. ♪
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i didn't know they made chicken. crunchy taco or four cheese lasagna? can i get another one of those actually? [ superfan ] hey, america, we're here to help. ♪ there's no subtext... just tacos. yeah, it's our job to make you want it. but honestly... it's not that hard. old el paso. when you gotta have mexican. >> jimmy: tonight on the show cedric "the entertainer" is here, we have music from holy ghost! before the commercial break, i showed you a video of a young woman who is now very famous for a video where her hap
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twerking made her famous. live from kansas city, kaitlyn, how are you? how are your yoga pants? >> my pants are a little burnt. >> why would you upload something which, i don't know, is kind of embarrassing? >> i did not want to at first, but my friend talked me into it. and here i am. >> when you put it online did you have any idea how popular it was going to become? >> i had no clue. this is literally like my first youtube submission i have done. >> now before we go any further, i think most people are wondering why the video stopped so suddenly? it seemed like there were more to see. why did it stop there? >> it got a little intense. i do have the rest of the footage. >> you have provided us with the rest of the video. i think it would be better if we
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>> it's all part of the job, ma'am. [ applause ] >> there you go. the conspiracy theorists on the internet who thought the video was fake, you're right. i'm also the guy who bit charlie's finger, by the way. we shot that video two months ago and posted it on youtube. we didn't send it to any tv stations, didn't tweet it. we just put it on youtube and let the magic happen and the magic, it got 9 million views in less than a week. this is not kaitlyn. tell everyone your real name. >> i am a stunt woman. >> you're a stunt woman.
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and we swore that name to secrecy. did any of your family or friends see the video? >> everyone saw it. i got like numerous facebooks. >> did anyone think it was real when they saw you in it? >> my ex-boyfriend from high school sent me this worried facebook message like oh my gosh, i saw this video. are you okay? >> do you think he's still in love with you? >> no, no. maybe. i don't know. >> we got a lot of interview requests for you. we didn't respond to any of them. even though the video is fake, that did not stop hundreds of news outlet's from showing it. some people blamed miley cyrus as if this is her fault this is is a sampling of the many media outlet's. >> we just had to shout out this video. apparently it's everywhere. >> first time i saw it, it now has 8 million views.
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the girl in this video was trying to make a sexy twerk video for her boyfriend. >> check out this twerker. girl on fire. >> watch how a twerking girl literally sets herself on fire. >> that girl was on fire. >> now the internet is on fire. >> dangerous side effect of twerking. >> apparently twerking is getting down right dangerous. >> this is is a major twerking fail. >> some are calling it the world's biggest twerking fail. >> this could be the most disastrous effect of twerking. >> this is how not to twerk. it ended in near disaster. >> i might catch on fire. >> i do believe the look on her face is -- >> did you have fun doing this? >> i had a blast. >> thank you for helping us deceive the world and hopefully put an end to twerking forever.
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stephanie avalon. trust no one. and everything you know is a lie. so tonight on the show, cedric the entertainer is here. we will be right back with america's cutest uncle, john stamos, so stick around. ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by "go rving." visit gorving.com to find the r-v that's right for you and find us on facebook for the chance to win your very own rv for your tailgate.
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that's a gre g value that'ha put right now thw 're 2 for jur anyoneyon a good moo m t off my law l clown! yosir, have exe llent watertepre >> jimmy: tonight on the program like meredith vieira and regis before him he is the new host of "who wants to be a millionaire," cedric "the entertainer" is here. and then with music from this new album, it comes out tomorrow, it's called "dynamics" holy ghost! from the sony stage. tomorrow night father-to-be simon cowell will be here, stacey keibler will be here, and we'll have music from gary clark jr. and later this week jake gyllenhaal, diana agron, tim gunn and music from the weekend and preservation hall jazz band. so join us for those shows, too. our first guest tonight is
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perched charmingly on the list of the world's most beloved greeks. he is an actor and handsome devil in general who joined forces to detail the deflowering of the famous on a new series called losing it. please welcome john stay mouse! [ applause ] >> they're having a stand off. happy birthday. you look -- >> 90? >> you do look great.
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it's hard to believe that you're 65 years old. 50 years old. >> i'm 50. i had a 50th birthday. and jimmy was camping apparently. >> no, i was fishing. >> same thing. same importance. camping, fishing, and my birthday. was that your honeymoon? >> no. no. >> parents, italy? we're going fishing. >> i will say i did try to take a fishing trip in the middle of my honeymoon and that got nixed. >> where were you? >> i was in italy. >> congratulations. >> i appreciate it. happy birthday to you. i heard it was a big great party. did you plan it yourself? >> originally we were going to do -- disney. >> disney already? >> you work for them so watch it. >> i know i do. but you love disney like a 4-year-old girl. it's unbelievable. >> it's like a peter pan
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syndrome. >> it is literally peter pan. >> they were so nice. i was like i'm 50 years old. enough with the disney. >> okay, good. yeah. >> so i had it at a nice hotel and had a big orchestra. i knew my schluppy friends would show up no matter where. >> who are your hollywood friends? >> i don't mean hollywood friends. our friend don rickels was there. he had just had back surgery. he was like only for you stamos. it was sort of a toast, roast thing. and then i had a big orchestra, which was great. >> is that a picture? i want to show that. that sums up your relationship with don. that is this. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> i think that is a sex crime you committed. >> who else was there? >> don was there. and i had a great orchestra. the way to not have it be a jam session is to have a big orchestra there. my best friends are the beach boys and they were on tour. so we changed the date. and so they said they were coming and said, you know, can we do a set? and i'm like, okay. yeah, sure. you're the beach boys. >> they asked you if they could perform. >> and america played. >> america? >> sister -- >> i know who america is. you had america at your party? >> and then, you know, he has been a friend for a little while is tom jones. >> tom jones. wow. >> and he said, again, like i
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just wanted to be able to come and have a good time. >> america never comes to my party. it's going to be hard to get me off of this. did he do horse with no name? >> i told him about your parties. the one big party that jimmy had, all of the sudden i was sort of the guy -- >> you were the jam leader. >> you were the jam master. i was the only guy and i had to play all the instruments. >> we didn't have america. the closest thing we had was mexico. and that's guillermo. here is a photograph. there is tom jones singing at your birthday party. [ applause ] >> it looks like he is singing or angrily eating a microphone. >> so my mom is obsessed with
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tom jones. >> of course she is. >> she was so excited. and i put a thing out like the week before, don't take any pictures with celebrities, don't touch them and my mom was just like grabbing his ass. >> your stepfather now. >> yeah. she was so proud that the next day she was like oh, tom jones got so mad at me. it was great. >> he got mad? >> yeah. because she was annoying. >> all right. i do want to ask about this. some of your friends are here. i see the great don rickels who is getting ready to say something terrible about you. johnny knoxville is enjoying it. who is this man? >> that's our shrink? >> your psychiatrist? you invited your psychiatrist to your birthday party? just in case something happened? did you want him to meet your mom and see what you have been
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talking about? >> i can't talk about it but he just showed up. >> he showed up? >> i invited him. >> that is not just showing up. did you think about that? did you think maybe i shouldn't invite my psychiatrist to my birthday party? >> i grade the psychiatrist. he said you should get a hobby, like photography. so i go in and take pictures of him the whole time and he's like enough. shrinks, if you have gone, they never get asked questions so i just ask him questions. and my friend is there for the real work. >> and you pay him? wow, that is weird. >> it was a beautiful night. literally the greatest night of my life. if you were there it would have been -- worse. it would have been fantastic. it was one of those nights you will never forget. i didn't know what to say.
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if you would have told me as a kid that the beach boys were playing at my birthday and that america and tom jones was going to sing and don -- >> you were 90 years old? >> no, but you know, you assume that -- i have taste, by the way. god bless him. i can hang out with justin and the younger guys but what am i going to learn? when i'm old i will teach the young guys. >> is this what you're moving towards? hanging around with justin bieber in your old age? we need to talk to your psychiatrist. you need to start asking him questions about your life. when we come back we will talk about your new show in which you ask your celebrity friends how they lost their virginity. john stamos is here. we will be right back. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony.
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and none of those other things. now that's real love. and so is that. new so good! from iams. learn more at iams.com. when her sister dumped me. grandpa was my dad a good athlete? no. oh dad, you remember my friend alex? yeah. the one that had the work done... good to see you. where do we go when we die? the ground. who's your girlfriend? his name is chad.
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>> she was going to lose her virginity that night. >> it was a lose your virginity party? >> she basically came to new jersey to see her friend, sue, and lose her virginity. >> and so they thought -- >> i don't know. how about jeff ross? >> because i'm 5% better looking than my friend. >> there is no way he is better
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looking. [ applause ] john stamos on the show "losing it." celebrities come on and they tell you how they lost their virginity. who is the 26-year-old actor you cast to play a young jeff ross? this is an actual photograph of jeff ross as a child. >> he does not look anything like that guy. he looks more like a hinkus to me. >> i have always been obsessed -- i didn't cast it. i came up with the idea. i was always interested in people losing their virginity. not the mechanics of it or the lascivious side but the feelings like, did your parents help you?
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how old were you when you lost your virginity? my parents -- >> need help? how did they help? >> meaning did your parents talk to you about losing your virginity? >> no. >> my parents gave me a book. it was like a key and a key hole. i have been chasing girls around with a key. >> how old were you when you got that book? >> 27. >> now how old were you when you lost your virginity? >> i was 17. >> and where were you? >> i was in the army. i was in las vegas. i was at siegfried and roy's house. >> you lost it to a white tig sn er? >> i don't want to give any details because there was another person involved. >> the white tiger?
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no, but it's face nate fascinat. >> his name was lib -- >> it didn't quite work. morgan sperlock is a genius. he is the right guy and yahoo! was the right place to do it. i couldn't get people to do it years ago. >> that's why it took so long. >> as you know, your part of it is the celebrity gods have kicked the chair under us, under our preciousness. we're not so precious. we're just like everybody else. >> except for you. look at you. i have a 50th birthday gift for you because i feel bad that i missed the party. and this is for you. you might not need it. but it's just for men.
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take the age out. the show is called "loosing it: with john stamos." we'll be right back with cedric "the entertainer." [ applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by "go rving." visit gorving.com to find the r-v that's right for you and find us on facebook for the chance to win your very own rv for your tailgate. only the best make their 2 for $20 menu, like the new honey pepper grill entrees. let's check out the action! they're flavorin', savorin' and more flavorin'. he could...go... all...the...way! he could...get... out of the way? ♪ help yourself. [ berman ] kick off game day in the neighborhood
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>> how you doing? how did you lose your virginity? >> i was twerking and i caught on fire. that's how it happened. everybody was like wait a minute. this guy is on fire. >> were you making people millionaires today? >> no. today was my kids' first day back-to-school. >> oh. >> i had to do the parent thing, you know, and drop them off. my son is eighth grade so he's at the top of the middle. so he's in the middle and he's just a little sad. he does a photo shoot and greets the rest of the kids. and then he's out of there. you got to do your history class and he's like i got a thing. i can't and my daughter, she's like in fifth grade. and they did uniforms this year. and she is a fashionista. that didn't sit well. >> did she customize it?
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>> she did her backpack. it was not going to be like just a skirt and a shirt. she had like a sparkly head thing on and long earrings. she was like bedazzled. >> you're a very fashionable guy. you always have the hat that matches nicely. it would make sense that your children would be the same way. >> they pick up on it. it's the little things they pick up on. like, you know, cursing. i didn't know i was teaching them that. but it's like funny and then they use it -- they're really good at the curse words. >> yeah. >> very slick. my daughter used the word chicken in an interesting way. and she was like no you chickens didn't. whoa. chicken please. yeah. yeah. >> i just remembered something about you. you were a teacher. you used to teach school. >> yes. i was a substitute teacher. i was, yeah, i didn't really
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have -- i never got the full credentials. i was that guy. but i was cool. i was like 22 and the kids were 18. i was a great substitute. i was like no, this is how you drink shots, guys. not like that. >> that's the best. sometimes the substitutes come in and they want you to learn and you're like we're not going to learn anything from you in an hour. >> not from the substitute anyway. so i would do things like i taught like social studies so anything that was on entertainment tonight the night before would be good material. you make it sound really serious. this is the last episode of dallas. what do you think about that? >> cedric the educator. >> they would have to really think about it. >> the show who wants to be a millionaire, are you patterning yourself after regis? do you look to the game show
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hosts of the past and present for inspiration? >> yeah. i loved all of them. like gene raybarn, and you know, richard dawson, who kissed a lot of people. i don't plan on doing that. the whole black man kissing everybody thing, you know? i don't know. you know? >> you think it will scare middle america? >> you know, you know. my lips are bigger. it's not quite as -- >> you should do that. >> i don't know. i don't know if it's quite as, you know, charming. >> is that what you're saying? >> oh, congratulations. i would take it a little far. >> okay. >> my good friend steve harvey, i asked him what to do. >> he has family feud? >> and steve just does what he wants to. i wanted to know should i have a game show voice?
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hey, welcome. >> i know what you mean. >> he was like don't do that. don't. don't. you know? >> i had that same thought myself. i hosted a game show many years ago and i thought maybe i should talk like a game show host and it sounded preposterous. >> you can never really turn it off. you order dinner and you're like all right. i'll have the steak, with potatoes! >> and who wants to be a millionaire, you have to know a lot of stuff. do you know the answers on -- like alex trebeck acts like he knows the answers to all the questions. >> i hang out with alex. he doesn't know anything. >> he doesn't know anything. >> you know, he get in the game show host fraternity. >> for real. you hang out with alex? >> me, trebeck,
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>> that sounds like a lot of fun. >> but where is chuck woolery? >> i want you to think about the kissing the contestants thing. maybe get a few of the contestants pregnant. >> that would be a whole different who wants to be a millionaire then? >> who wants to be a millionaire weekdays with cedric the entertainer. we will be right back with holy ghost! >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony.
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well, you've found delicious! ♪ ♪ if you wanna go and fly with me ♪ ♪ it's buzz the bee on your tv ♪ ♪ oh how did i get this way? ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ it is so honey swagalish ♪ so much crunch, can you handle this? ♪ ♪ the party in the bowl don't stop! ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ must be the honey! wow. college already. ( chuckles ) yeah. - ( engine starts ) - we gotta go. ♪ for all the truth that you made me see... ♪
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i love you. ♪ for all the joy you brought to my life... ♪ i love you too, daddy. ♪ you're the one who saw me through... ♪ and thanks - for everything. - ♪ through it all... - ♪ you were my strength when i was weak... ♪ - ( woman speaks ) a message from the foundation for a better life. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony. >> jimmy: their new album "dynamics" comes out tomorrow. making their television debut with the song, "okay" from new york city, holy ghost! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ surely you're joking calling me this late and sure i have misspoken ♪ ♪ especially as of late oh but the ten missed calls don't have the ring of last fall ♪ ♪ no no no not at all and surely you're joking and the punch line isn't far oh your not gonna take ♪ ♪ no i'm not gonna take it no we're not gonna take it on the road oh i'm not falling over ♪ ♪ but i'm not calling sober and i'm gonna take this when i'm home it's okay ♪
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♪ it's okay surely the critics will note the junior script and sure ♪ ♪ it's immature and lacks a certain wit oh but pulp has appeal it doesn't need to feel real ♪ ♪ no no no that's its deal and surely you're joking and the punch line isn't far ♪ ♪ oh your not gonna take no i'm not gonna take it no we're not gonna take it on the road ♪ ♪ oh i'm not falling over but i'm not calling sober and i'm gonna take
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this when i'm ♪ ♪ it's okay it's okay even though i know the blood is fake ♪ ♪ the third act starts and it gets hard to take it isn't over it isn't is it ♪ ♪ from here on in my inciting incident and even though i know the blood is fake ♪ ♪ the third act starts and love turn into hate it isn't over or isn't it ♪
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