>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, dax shepard, from "the x factor", kelly rowland, and music from smallpools. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you for watching. thank you for coming.

thank you for taking time away from your holiday preparations to be here. i want to say that i went to a costume party this weekend. my cousin sal has a costume party every year. almost nobody wants to be there because nobody wants to dress up. you have to dress up. it's a costume party and nobody wants to wear a traditional costume everybody wants to be clever so you spend the whole night looking people up and down and finally going. i'm the waiter who brought the ricin to the table on "breaking bad" and i'm like oh, right. i'm a pirate. i did this all night saturday night. there was a big protest in washington d.c. on saturday. thousands of people gathered to rally against nsa surveillance. it comes amidst new reports that the nsa has been monitoring

communications of 35 leaders. she is one of our closest allies so needles to say she was not happy about this. she called president obama to give him an earful and it takes a lot ogto get those ears full. if the nsa agents are like most men they are probably only pretending to listen to what she was saying anyway. the nsa has been wiretapping years but obama didn't know about it until this summer when he ordered them to stop. here in the united states they claim that the spying programs do more good than harm and that their primary objective is to protect us and they make a pretty purr swersuasive case. >> fbi, do not eat that pie. >> we have reason to believe that the condensed milk used in

that pie is expired. >> yep. it expireded. >> how did you know? >> we live in your pantry. >> why? >> also you're out of berry burst cheerio. >> don't answer that. say it again? copy that? it's your step sister. >> isn't this an invasion of my privacy? >> it is. but now you don't have food poisoning. >> and you do have 5,000 dollars. >> who are these people? >> these men are here to protect us. >> he's not your son. he's a camera. >> we need to take him in. >> i nursed him. >> mommy, mommy, mommy. >> i nursed something. >> the nsa and the fbi. we're watching the [ bleep ] out of you. [ applause ]

>> they ought to take all of the guys who are so good at hacking into the phone calls and put them to work fixing health care.gov. we need to reallocate our nurds. they lost connection with their data server. the latest in a long line of problems with the site. president obama signed a temporary measure that supposedly will make it easier to sign up. anyone who gets to level 350 on candy crush gets obama care. they changed their home page. remember the woman who used to be on the front page? this is her. now if you can log on you instead will see this woman. trying to lower expectations. the original picture is what they call a stock photo which is a generic photograph you can buy to use it for whatever you want

to use it for. that woman had no idea she would become the face of obama care. she just posed for a random picture years ago. i think it's dangerous to pose for a stock photo. we spent $10 for this stock photo and now we can do whatever we want to this t-shirt. i don't know what this guy's name is, all i know is he has sex with ferrets. it's right there. that can't be worth the 200 bucks he got paid. this is great. there is is a new fishing show premiering on the mexico travel channel. the host is is a guy named ritz. he takes a chef fishing with him and then they cook the fish. watch this. >> did you see what happened to that? he took it out of your hand.

now that is something! >> watch this again here. >> it's a seal who steals. i think we humans just got bumped off the top of the food chain. singer chris brown is in trouble again for allegedly punching a man in the face. he had a concert about 4:30 on sunday morning. chris and his body guard were arrested after getting into a skirmish. the victim claims he was photo bombing a picture that chris brown was taking with fans. he was rewarded with two punches one from chris brown and the other from his body guard. the good news is at least chris brown is getting into fights with men now. i think that's a step in the right direction. [ applause ] thumbs up. i have one personal thing i want to mention. last night my wife and i were talking about the way i hug our

female friends. when i hug a woman, i try to make as little body contact as possible. i don't want them -- hugging is a weird thing. you're basically saying it's nice to see you. let's awkwardly touch bodies for three seconds. i give a little hug and then i give a pat pat pat to cap it off and let the person know that the hug's over. my wife declared that offensive. how that's offensive, i don't know. i can think of 10,000 more offensive ways to hug a woman. i can go straight in with the tongue. so then my wife singled out our friend dax shepherd. i don't doubt that dax is is a bad hugger. i thought it would be fun to conduct an experiment this is not a contest but an experiment.

please welcome hugger extraordinary dax shepherd, everybody. [ applause ] >> i have been waiting 38 years to be recognized as a great hugger. thank you, molly. >> it made me feel bad about myself so i decided we will have a little experiment. we have got three blindfolded women. >> back hugging or front hugging? >> either way. whatever you want to do. >> my cousin who never has anything negative to say, that is her waving right there. this is

you're going to be the host here. think of this as you show. >> okay. let the experiment again, all right? all right. hi, lady. what's your name? >> patty. >> patty. how you doing? >> great. >> good. >> are you ready to do this? >> absolutely. >> all right. hugger number one. >> not too much. don't touch. i don't have too much time. all right? hugger number two? wow. don't go crazy, man. don't go crazy. all right. which one was better number one or number two? >> you want to do it now? >> number two. >> number two. >> all right. [ applause ] >> congratulations, jimmy.

>> thanks dax. >> now let's move to number two. >> what's your name? >> kimberly. >> how you doing? >> i'm good. >> you ready to do this? >> oh yeah. >> hugger number one? >> all right. she's married. hugger nurnl two? all right that's good. number one or number two. >> number two, definitely. >> wow. wow. all right. now let's go to the last one. hi. >> hi rr you ready to do this? >> i am. >> hugger number one? >> all right. all right. hugger number two? all right. that's it. >> i worked on my technique.

>> i went under. >> which one was better? number one or number two? >> it's really hard. you both did great. >> did one of the hugger's write your check? >> i'm going to go with number one. they were both great. now i'm nervous. >> why did you go with number one. >> please tell me it was you. >> hold on. i'm in charge of the game. hold on. all right. >> why is everyone still blindfolded? >> because you went ahead of me. i have to say that. ladies, remove your blindfold, please. >> okay, sorry. >> okay. you chose number one. why did you choose number one? >> strong, muscular hug. >> that wasn't me. >> dax was number one. >> you did one of these with dax. i did not get. >> number two, you chose number

two. >> two, yeah. >> why? >> it was such a good hug. the first one was hey, i don't know you but the second one was like i love you. >> i have a feeling you will not be working here soon. number two was jimmy. >> number two is jimmy. >> that's wrong. you got it wrong both times. >> both times they picked dax. but you will still be working here. >> what about you? >> i picked number one. >> that was me, your cousin. >> all the hugs came from guiarmo. >> group hug right here. >> we're going to have dax shepherd and music from

smallpools, so come on back. ♪ (phone ringtone)

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dax shepherd, kelly rowland and music from smallpools coming up. i guess i'm not a good hugger. halloween is is a night where adults hide in the dark and acting like they are not at home. if you get a full sized candy bar, that is is a big deal. i have never seen that happen.

not when i went trick or treating. i think it's a myth. in the neighborhood where i grew up if you gave out full sized candy bars, people would smash out the windows. american will spend more than $360 million on halloween greeting cards. who sends cards? that is a very, very thoughtful grandma. maybe too thoughtful. we spend a lot more on candy. we spend over $2 billion on candy for halloween. there is an enormous candy store right across the street from us. they have everything. it's called sweet and the people at sweet were sweet enough to let my cousin sal cause a little bit of candy chaos just in time for the holiday. enjoy. >> hi, how you doing? i'll ring you up here. what is this?

a little glass thing? where are you from? >> new zealand. >> you seem like a guy who likes free things. would you like some samples. >> yeah. i will give them to my grandchildren. >> do i have to eat it here? >> just open your shirt a little? here. here. come up closer. for your granddaughter? >> yeah. your pocket is too small. >> yep. >> all right. >> i got to wear this on my head? >> yep. put it on your head. you got it? and you got the glass? >> i have got the glass. the money. >> put these in your mouth. one more. come on. okay. you love free stuff. all right, take care.

forgot that one. >> well, not any more, it looks like. >> all right. thanks man. all right you guys, check this out. are you kidding me? >> i'm over it. >> are you kidding me? >> i'm over it. >> do you girls like candy? they do, right? let me see. >> wow. >> all right. cotton candy. skittles. you girls related at all? >> yes. >> whoa. wait a minute. you two are the 529th and 530th

customer of the day. do you know what that means? you get 30 seconds to fill this bag with however much candy you want. and you get to keep whatever's in the bag after 30 seconds. you ready? ready, set, go! take the bag. take the bag. go, go, go! 20 seconds. 10 seconds. three, two -- with the bag. with it. let's see what you got. oh! well, your time is up. let's see what you have in the bag. oh. i'm sorry. you get nothing. you get exactly nothing. you know what? i feel bad. here. take this bag of pixie stix.

it's your problem now, mom. bye now. [ applause ] . >> jimmy: tonight on the show, kelly rowland is here. we have music from smallpools. and we'll be right back with dax shepard. ♪

yeah, i dream about bacon. [sfx] wham! so i'm bringing back the blt cheeseburger combo. a juicy jumbo beef patty loaded with hickory smoked bacon and melting cheese plus fries and a drink for just $4.99. but this isn't a dream. it's just a video from my last birthday party.

>> welcome back. the newly-anointed judge from the x-factor, kelly rowland is here. and with music from their self-titled ep, smallpools from the sony stage. tomorrow night, jennifer garner will be here, david arquette will be here, and we'll have music from arcade fire. and later this week, ben kingsley, mindy kaling, joshua malina, rob delaney, and music from no no no and rob zombie on halloween night. >> jimmy: our first guest is a there seem to be a lot of people upset with me. i was talking to a group of 5 and 6-year-old kids about a bunch of things and during that segment, one of the kids said something that offended people. i thought it was obvious that i didn't agree with that statement but apparently it wasn't.

it is most certainly not my attempt to upset anyone. >> you are here to turn frowns upside down. >> that's right. no other reason. thank you. [ applause ] >> our first guest tonight is is a very talented actor, writer, and director. people magazine voted him daxyist man alive. you can see him on the show "parenthood". please welcome dax shepherd! first of all, big congratulations. you and your now bride, kristen bell, got married what? two week as ago now? i had a feeling something was up when you sent me an e-mail asking if i was an ordained minister.

>> that's a pretty good clue. >> either you wanted to get married or there was an exorcism. >> i hope i call you one day with an exorcism request. >> please do but don't call me to exercise. >> which seemed to be a crucial effect. >> one i think on build and technique. what i saw you do is that's what is happening. you really get in there. >> well, i do. there is two elements. one is i read an article that if you hug for longer than three seconds it releases oxitocin. this is real. that's the good feeling hormone that moms have when they have a baby that makes them dumb and happy. i said just so you know, the baby is crying much louder to me than you. times the volume by 8,000 because i don't have oxytocin.

i am sober and that's all i have left. >> really? >> yeah. so if i get in there and really set up shop and hug for 25 seconds, that's 22 seconds of oxytocin. step one, get after that. and i can't believe that you don't want your body to be flush with the women because that's all i want from the second i wake up. >> yeah. but i was used to not touching women for a long, long time in my life. all through my school years. there is a lot of not touching women. it's where i'm most comfortable. >> it's like home base for you. >> i'm weirdly more comfortable hugging men than hugging women. >> you may have a fear that you may inadvertently get an erection were with the guys or women? >> with the women. because you're not afraid at all with the guys is my assumption

since you married a female. i witnessed it. >> it's really not that. i don't want them to think that i'm getting weird pleasure out of it. >> why? everyone should be getting weird pleasure out of it. it's a freebie. it's all we have, people. you have sizzler, hugs -- >> costco. >> how much did your wedding cost you? >> i'm a frugal person. your wedding, when i was there, there were helicopters overhead. it felt like an episode of machine. and you were marrying hot lips hoolihan. not that i was counting your money but i was counting your money because it was flying out the window. if they were setting it on fire at the place. >> they had salad bowls full of

money that they were serving to people. >> and we all appreciated it. >> we went to the beverly hills courthouse. $142 out the door. >> really? >> $142. i don't -- i don't yet have a ring so that will -- >> that will cost you. >> i am going to follow your course. you got your ring at costco. >> i got both of my rings. the one i originally got and the one i got again. $340. >> come on. >> not bad, right? >> that's twice the cost of my wedding. that's a weird proportion. >> what about kristen's ring? >> that was expensive. >> but you didn't get her a wedding ring? >> she as a beautiful ring. as hot as she is and talented, very lazy.

thank god she has really good insurance. >> did this cover -- >> some friends of ours came to the court. and it was just kristen at the courthouse. the world's worst wedding. how many people can say they threw the world's worst wedding? thank you guys. >> our housekeeper has broken three vacuums in the last six years. it drives me crazy. you can't -- you have to ram them into other expensive things to break it, right? that's just the canary in the gold mine. clearly there is other stuff around the house that is damaged. >> she's strong. >> so i was very mad at her. this was just three weeks ago. she broke another vacuum.

i go to costco. the line is way too long and i'm late for work so i'm like i just got to buy a new vacuum. i got the exact same vacuum. i'm leaving. so i grab the vacuum out of the trash and i return it. the register comes and this guy just starts shoveling money in my hands. 120, 140, $210 i got back from the $99 vacuum because in the last two years that's how much the basement has fallen out of the vacuum prices. had we invested in vacuums from co costco. >> you paid for the wedding with that vacuum. >> i did! i got a free wedding! >> jimmy: more with dax shepard when we come back. ♪ music plays

♪ music plays ♪ music plays ♪ music plays

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of the week. feel free as many as you want to send. >> i'm glad you appreciate it. are things going well? >> they're good. i got myself into a really embarrassing situation this season. there is is a costume designer on the show who picks out the wardrobe for the characters and if you see stuff you like in real life she wants to know so she can get it for your character. i was online looking at converse. i sent an e-mail to diane, diane, i like these three converse. could you see if you could get them? i think they might give them us for free. i get an e-mail back, yeah, i'll look into it. next e-mail, we're all set they should be delivered in a month. okay. great. i get to work and the wardrobe person says what shoes do you want to wear today and i said how about the converse that we got and she goes i don't know what you're talking about. i say the converse that i e-mailed you about and you got for me.

and she goes that didn't happen. i said i have the e-mail. i will show it to you. diane, nbc universal. she says, that's not my e-mail. i sent a random employee at nbc universal, hey, i like these shoes, get them for me. here's a link. p.s., they will probably give them to you for free. like they're going to do us a favor. this person works in human resources or something. i somehow was on a chain e-mail that this poor lady was on at some point and it came up when i typed in diane and i say that makes perfect sense. i immediately e-mailed her and said hey, i thought you were the costumer. she's like no problem, the shoes are here. for months she has probably been at dinner parties, you know that actor on our show? he's an [ bleep ]. but now i just want to e-mail

folks at nbc and be like hey, i found some sunglasses i like. hey, have you seen these new diesel jeans, these are awesome. 32 waist by the way. >> it's going to be worse when you take them back to costco. >> jimmy: dax shepard! "parenthood" airs thursdays at 10pm on nbc. we'll be right back with kelly rowland.

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once wrote something on a sheet of paper ♪ the challenge always accepted. and the calling forever answered. ♪ introducing the all-new 2014 s-class. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> dax shepherd. our next guest shot to fame as a former destiny's child. a new job as judge on the x factor. please welcome kelly rowland.

>> did you see how long that hug was? >> he released all kinds of oxycotin in you. >> it was amazing. >> he is is a better hugger. >> why don't you give a tighter hug? >> i'm going to try. you're very thin. i feel like i would break you. >> i might like the tight grip, though. >> how are things going on the x factor? you got like a new panel there. it's you and demi lavato, simon cowel. what is going on with simon? >> you tell me. he is the biggest diva. it's three women up there but

simon is the biggest diva. you know the nice little powder light area? simon has more stuff on his little trays and -- like lotions, mint, hair spray, jell, the perfect push up machine. i'm like excuse me. >> is that why his nipples are so very erect all the time. >> maybe. i think he's always cold. or he is just doing this or something. >> have you ever caught him making his v deeper? i imagine he gets those shirts and he's like not nearly deep enough for me. >> i wouldn't be surprised. >> those undershirts are like the ones my dad would refuse to part with. they just get saggier or droopier. >> this man has too much money. somebody please get him a shirt. >> maybe a sweater would be

good. a turtle neck. >> he still might cut it into a v. >> when you were coming up in the music business did you ever think about being on a competition show? did they have that? >> they had star search. do you remember star search? we had star search. ed mcmahon was the host. >> wait a minute. what were you? 2 years old at this time? >> no. >> how old were you? >> you're totally letting me tell my age. i'm 32. [ applause ] >> i still feel like it doesn't add up. >> can you stop? just stop. basically, we were about 12 years old. maybe 12 and 13 years old. myself and beyonce. it was other members of the group at that time and basically we lost. we went up against this 30 something-year-old rock band who were great and we were actually better. basically what happened is they read girls town receives three stars and whatever the band's

name receives four stars. whatever the band's name received four stars. so the curtains close. we really lost bad. so as soon as we got back to the hotel room they were like you guys can go to disney world and we was like okay, let's go. >> you don't remember the name of that band, huh? what does that say about star search? it was like there was a flawed system. they rejected destiny's child and okayed some band that we never heard of. >> i'm sure that they're floating around here somewhere. >> they're always watching us, yes. now the x factor you were a judge in the uk -- is that the original version? >> yes. >> how are the contestants different? >> we have all the crazies. all the crazies want to be in america. they want to come up there and

not know the song. they want to sound like they are calling for cats and dressed in rainbow costumes and they are dilutional. this woman came up here and was like i am the queen of such and such and simon said where are you body guards? don't you have like people with you? so we start asking questions and then you see the devil horns come out and she's like i'm going to kill you. >> you don't challenge the queen. you get your head chopped off. so we really are crazier than other countries? it seems like a perception. sometimes we watch the shows on bbc where they try to make americans look like a bunch of imbusils, and it turns out that is just what we are. >> we are a bit crazy. i must admit. >> simon let's them continue singing, just calling for cats,

all of them just waiting outside to come in. >> how quickly do you know that somebody is terrible? do you know instantly? >> yes. >> can you tell before they begin to sing? >> no. >> no, really? >> if only there were some sort of warning system. but as soon as they open up their mouths, it's almost like who are your friends? why your friends telling you to come on here to make a fool of yourself. it's just ridiculous. >> that's exactly what i would do to my friends. you have a beautiful voice. you should definitely go in front of simon. and now paulina rubio is a new judge? >> i love pow pow. >> is that what you call her? do you have trouble understanding what she says? >> sometimes. in real life, it was one time she was talking to a contestant and she said i think you should

do this rah rah of music. and simon goes if only there were like those bubbles above our head that told what we were thinking. because he goes drama? i said germa? simon said what? she said genre. we didn't know what the hell she was saying but she just sounds adorable. >> that's all that matters. do we have one of those over here? [ applause ] >> the world series this week. the x factor is going to air on tuesday and thursday instead of wednesday and thursday. kelly rowland, everybody.

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>> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony >> jimmy: i'd like to thank dax shepard, kelly rowland. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. nightline is next, but first, the song is called "dreaming" from their self-titled ep -

"smallpools" [ applause ] ♪ i see the place that we've been locked together ♪ ♪ together like we were something more ♪ ♪ and it felt like maybe we could last forever ♪ forever but you led 'em to our ♪ ♪ hideout ♪ forced their way inside now they want us to surrender ♪ ♪ us to surrender but i could go all night ♪ ♪ right here between their crossfire we'll send em up a message ♪

♪ i'll send a message sayin' give it up give it up ♪ ♪ we've got no place to go caught up in the rodeo ♪ ♪ oh no, please god tell me we're dreaming ♪ ♪ we've got nowhere to run they've all got loaded guns ♪ ♪ oh no, please god tell me we're dreaming ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ah-ah-ah ♪ ♪ please god tell me we're dreaming ♪ ♪ wait for the dust to settle down around us ♪ ♪ around us then stick to what we know ♪ ♪ i think the air is finally safe to breathe again ♪ ♪ to breathe again the world is in your ♪ ♪ palm now so take a breath and calm down ♪

♪ cuz you have been selected you've been selected a few will ever find out ♪ ♪ and if you don't see why well ♪ ♪ at least you've got your nest egg ♪ ♪ you've got your nest egg so live it up live it up ♪ ♪ we've got no place to go caught up in the rodeo ♪ ♪ oh no, please god tell me we're dreaming ♪ ♪ ve got nowhere to run they've all got loaded guns ♪ ♪ oh no, please god tell me we're dreaming ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ah ah ah ♪ ♪ please god tell me we're dreaming ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ah ah ah ♪ ♪ please god tell me we're dreaming ♪ ♪ then give it up give it up ♪ ♪ oh whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ oh whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ but you led 'em to our hideout ♪ ♪ forced their way inside now they want us to surrender ♪