>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- sir ben kingsley, rob delaney lie witness news and music from nonono with cleto and the cletones. and now, at long last, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming.

[ cheers and applause ] very nice. i appreciate that. a big night, big sports night in america tonight. the baseball in particular game six of the world series. boston, the red sox/cardinals. not only was it game six it was ferret night at fenway park. first 10,000 fans in attendance went home with a ferret. the game is happening. still 0-0. >> 0-0 when i first came out here. >> jimmy: dicky is from boston. you can leave if you want. your work here is done, right? [ cheers and applause ] it happens every once in a while. you know tickets for tonight's game cost more than any baseball tickets in history. average price of a seat, average price was $2,000. so you could sell your car and

buy a pair or grow a disgusting beard, pretend you are on the team and sneak in. $2,000. i wouldn't spend $2,000 on a ticket to see celine dion. sorry, i revealed something about myself. the fans at fenway park are pretty crazy. but they're crazy in their homes too. this guy was so passionate during the game, his friend had no choice but to get it on video and post it to youtube. >> that was a strike. >> come on! oh, my freaking god! are you [ bleep ], [ bleep ]! come on! unbelievable! >> jimmy: that's his inside voice. that's the -- he is even scaring the fish in his home.

the cardinals were very late getting into boston last night. mechanical problem delayed their flight. they had to sit on the tarmac in st. louis for six hours. didn't get in until 11:00 p.m. ironically the team named after a bird, had trouble flying. the team named after socks. resting in bed. president obama want to boston, due to boston traffic, what his health care traffic did to the web. if the cardinals won tonight, game seven will be on halloween, which, how great would it be if the players dressed up for halloween? imagine -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wouldn't that be good? i know they're already in a kind of costume. look to see batman hit a home run off frankenstein. a version of this happened at san diego state. san diego state aztecs baseball team half annual halloween practice game where all the players dress up look this. it is an informal game.

a guy dressed up as, a baby. a very serious baby too. this is probably the best one. this, this -- this is a group of five players as the jamaican bobsled team. [ cheers and applause ] i think that's five outs. one play right there. ha-ha. quintuple play. halloween is tomorrow. that can mean one thing. candy corn's time to shine. this is -- does anyone like candy corn. nobody likes it. it's like -- it's look a candy corn. the origin of halloween is interesting. i don't think most people are aware of this. halloween began 2,000 years ago when the ancient celts real ied few of their kids were diabetic. and halloween was born. a lot of kids will be trick or treating tomorrow. when kids walk up to a

stranger's house and demand candy. they're cute. when i do it, i'm drunk. we are doing something fun for halloween this week. it's, halloween candy youtube challenge. we have done this the past two years, i ask those of you watching at home to pretend you ate all your children's halloween candy and videotape that. we have had hundred of great responses. and millions and millions of views over the years. things like this. >> there is always next halloween. >> no! no candy! >> where is my bag of candy that was out there? where is my candy! >> just kidding. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's fun. like a little roller coaster for the kids from the inside. so we are doing it again this

year. i would like every parent within the sound of my voice to trick their children, upload to youtube, "hey, jimmy kimmel i told my kids i ate all their halloween candy." we will run the submissions next week. preemptive punishment for when our kids eventually put us in a home. oh, i have some -- [ cheers and applause ] i have some potentially troubling news for wine experts. a worldwide wine shortage right now. experts say demand rose for wine by 1% this year worldwide. supply fell 5%. resulted in an undersupply of 300 million cases warning if the trend continues by 2020 the world could be, sober, i guess. could be out of wine. if we're out of wine then how will the next bachelor tricking the will known thinking he is straight? the problem for us too. it is really hard to kind of

imagine all the negative effect a wine shortage could potentially have. for instance without wine this is what the fourth hour of the do day show would look like -- "today" show would look like. ♪ >> maybe time for gina to make a come back. one of our guests is the hilarious, wonderfully strange, rob delany, a twitter account. his tweets are weird. people love them. i love them. people are confused by them. we thought it would be fun to head to the farmer's market, down the block, asking people if they may not have heard of rob to read his tweets aloud. here they are. tweets of rob delany's read by senior citizens. >> roses are red, violets are

blue, daffodils are yellow, mike is a [ bleep ]. >> which do you think was softer yoda's balls or roy orbison's neck waddle? >> when you go out of the room i ask your dog what you look like taked? >> wal-mart, i was wrestling with byron last night and made vanil vanilla -- >> hope i get to kiss a frog butt this weekend. >> which mumford is the dad? >> i am a fat idiot and everyone in my condo association hates me. >> whenever i post a fitness tip and you pieces of [ bleep ] don't redwight, i don't know why i didn't write it on a banana peel and throw it in the sea. >> life is like a box of chocolates. >> i saw sir ben kingsley throw

a frozen checken at a little boy. >> and my daughter was killed by a bear yesterday when he tried to offer it toilet paper, you son of a [ bleep ] -- [ cheers and applause ] >> and candy, very important subject this time of year. a lot of nonsense going on with trick or treating nowadays. halloween is simple. kid knocks on the door. you give them candy. that's it. some people don't understand that. that's why this group of concerned children has come together tonight to help set everyone straight on the night before halloween. please welcome the jimmy kimmel live children's choir. ♪ we go from door to door ♪ hoping to collect candy that's what this bag is for ♪ ♪ so when your handing out the treats there's something we suggest ♪

♪ ♪ please make sure it's something sweet consider this request ♪ ♪ save the toothbrush for yourself ♪ ♪ put the apples back on the shelf ♪ ♪ don't even bother with the snacks ♪ ♪ and shove those pennies up your butt ♪ ♪ save the toothbrush for yourself ♪ ♪ put the apples back on the shelf ♪ ♪ don't even bother with snacks ♪ ♪ and shove those pennies up your butt ♪ everybody! ♪ save the toothbrush for yourself ♪ ♪ put the apples back on the shelf ♪ ♪ don't even bother with the snacks ♪ ♪ and you can shove me up your butt ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: beautifully done. thank you, kids. point well taken. we need to take a break. we will be right back. we have a new edition of lie witness news, and it is a good one.

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>> jimmy: welcome back. sir ben kingsley, rob delany and nonono's music.

i feel compelled to share this. an update. there is a sculpture garden in windsor ontario. a bush looks like this. the city cut it into this shape. because a mystery botanist cut it into this shape which they found objectionable. always a shame when governments repress artistic expression. after laying low for a while the sculptor struck again with a new bush that is right next to the old one. and, yet another triumph of tenacity. there are three undercover cops hunkered down dressed as shrubs waiting to pounce. that they did on purpose. this i think was an accident. a new church in illinois, christian science society of dixon, some a saying when you look at it from the sky from a satellite view it resembles a -- familiar shape of some kind.

christian science, look at things that might be a little jewish too. the best part is this is how god sees it from above. what is that? that's where people gather to worship you, lord. kidding it is a parking structure. funny that people even think about this. when i saw this picture, to me if you added some colors, and you know you paint the end parts white it looks like a rainbow with two cloud on either end. i don't have my mind in the gutter like the rest of you. what i really want to know who typed the words church and penis into google earth to accidentally find this. and one more item of note. this is an interesting product. a japanese company has a new iphone accessory called sente, a device plugs into your phone and releases the smell of your choice whenever you got a message. which is, it is great for,

people who love their phone but, just wish it could be more like a candle. so every time you get a text message or e-mail your phone will have a puff of scented air. the device costs $35. each cartridge which lasts 100 puffs costs $5. if you have $40 to make your text messages smell look roast beef, you probably have too much money. we wanted to see what americans thought of the scente, unfortunately, available in japan. instead we want out on to hollywood boulevard we, told people we had a scente on our phone. we didn't actually. just a piece of plastic. we told people if they named the smell, said a smell into the phone, whatever fragrance they named would, have a smell that would come wafting out of it. here is how that went on imaginary smell edition of "lie witness news." there is a new iphone application that emits a scent. you say a common smell into it. and it come out. want to give it a try. >> yeah, let me give it a try.

>> say common smell. >> common smell. >> say a smell? >> roses. >> roses. three, two, okay, it's ready. >> roses. >> it is coming out now. >> oh, my god. futuristic iphone. wow. are you serious? >> want to try another one. yeah, yeah. >> cinnamon roll. >> cinnamon roll. well, i'm be -- >> pick any scent, say it in there. >> orange. >> shut up. that's crazy. are you serious? it's like a scratch and sniff sticker without scratching. >> popcorn. >> wow. wow. that does smell kind of look popcorn. >> say a common scent into the -- >> weed. ha-ha, no. >> three, two -- oh, good.

try that. i am getting some of that. smell it? >> that's dope. >> what do you think? what does that remind you of? >> like, laffy taffy. purple laffy taffy. >> apples. >> go ahead. >> smell it? >> oh, yeah. you smell it? >> nor like apple pie. >> apple pie. >> coffee. >> two, one. now it's coming out. anything? >> can you smell the other people who i shoved this phone up their nose? come on. come on. >> there is a new iphone application that emits a smell. you say a certain scent into it. and give it a couple second. it will make that common scent. want you try it? >> yeah. >> say something, flavor, smell? >> purple. >> purple. >> three, two, one. give that a smell. does it smell like purple? >> yeah.

>> yeah. >> yeah. go ahead try another one. >> bread. >> bread. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the program, rob delaney, music from no-no-no. and we'll be right back with sir ben kingsley. don't go away. it's an extremely simple tool. but also extremely powerful. it could be used to start a poem. or finish a symphony. it has transformed the way we work, learn, create, share.

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program -- he is one of the funniest people on twitter. and now, he is one of the funniest people in books. the book is called "rob delaney: mother. wife. sister. human. warrior. falcon. yardstick. turban. cabbage." it comes out november 4th. rob delaney is here. and then with music from their debut ep, "pumpin' blood," not to be confused with pumpkin blood -- which is something you get when you make a jack-o'-lantern. making their u.s. television debut, nonono from the sony stage. we've got a big halloween show planned for you tomorrow night with mindy kaling, joshua malina, music from rob zombie and the return of our half and half halloween costume pageant. which i hope is half as much fun

for you as it was a nightmare for our wardrobe department. our first guest has two golden globes, an oscar, a grammy, a star on the walk of fame, a knighthood, six super bowl rings and four stanley cups. you can see him now in the new science fiction thriller, "ender's game." >> you can't absorb these losses, not a game where you can reboot and start over. not going to happen. you understand? >> yes, sir. >> do you? i have trained others, each ultimately a failure. >> all right, colonel, he understands. >> sir, i am not the first. >> no. but you will be the last. >> jimmy: "ender's game" opens in theaters friday. please say hello to sir ben kingsley. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪

>> jimmy: how are you? very, very nice to have you here. [ cheers and applause ] it's not often that we, especially, americans, we get to be in the presence of a knight. >> i soak it up when i can. american enthusiasm is beautiful. american enthusiasm. >> jimmy: is it not -- >> nothing like it. nothing like it. in the world. so unique. so unique. so, no. this is the first for you. >> jimmy: what's that? >> having me on your show? are you nervous? >> jimmy: i am terrified. because i know you can call the queen and have me beheaded if you want. >> no, no, only if you speak imof her. >> jimmy: i would never. >> no, no, it's odd. but actually, i do, it is part of my obligations as a knight to defend her majesty, so if

somebody is insulting toward her, i am obliged to smack them around the face. >> jimmy: are you? have you ever found yourselfen a situation like that. >> nearly. nearly. >> jimmy: what happened? >> i made him change his mind. >> jimmy: you did. >> i gave him the look. >> jimmy: yes, i think that would do it. >> it would. >> jimmy: you know what look would do it. the look you have in the movie "ender's game." >> isn't that beautiful? >> maury: if mike tyson had finished the job. you know? >> may i tell you about this? >> jimmy: please do. >> these -- these actually, i was quite privileged to wear these, seriously, ladies and gentlemen, because, they are tattoos, tomiko, the tattoo gives you the lineage of your whole family, your, your status as a warrior, in my case, my father's status as a warrior, all of his forebearers, all mapped out in the face. so when you, when you greet one

you know their history. not a lot of handshaking and sharing of family photographs. you stare at each other and read, read their faces. >> jimmy: like facebook on your face. >> there you have it. are you go! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and do they make it, do they make the design specifically for you or using some one else's design. >> it was designed for me. i let the guys get on it. i was invited to have a serious debate with the director, with the gentlemen, what i would prefer. what do i know just an actor. i am limited. i trusted them. i am sure that there was nothing insulting wri ining written acre like this guy is a nerd or something. >> jimmy: as long as they didn't insult the queen you will be fine. >> you are very right. >> jimmy: you have a new zealand accent in the movie. >> i recently gave some phoners

with the press, from australia and new zealand. so you tried a new zealand accent then. "you tried." >> jimmy: their evaluation. >> i think so. it was a new zealand accent. i didn't want it to be too strong. in his lineage, maybe how his father or grandfather talked, little touch, hint hutch it. >> jimmy: how do you do it, go to new zealand, friend? >> no, i wish. i have never, all of the lord of the lord of the rings films there. i actually wasn't in them. it its not me behind that beard. it is someone else. could have been me? >> jimmy: do you listen to tapes? >> i actually had dvds of the guys who were making the tattoos on faces and bodies. i love those dvds. they're beautiful. they're very beautiful. it is humbling actually to have a little window into another culture and be allowed to take a

little piece. i was quite privileged to be allowed to wear this, you know. you learn. i learned a little bit about that culture. >> jimmy: yeah, amazing to me. i couldn't do it. but is it something. >> you could. you could. >> jimmy: wear tattoos and shave my head. the part i couldn't do is the accent. something you feel look you were born with, you developed, combination of both of those things, could you do that when you were a kid? >> with respect to the gentlemen over here, i do have a musical ear, i was nearly part of the music industry, i enjoy cadence, rhythm, patterns of speech, that's how my musicalities translate. i collect rhythms and eccentricities of people's voices, stored away inside of me. and pop out. prescription do y >> jimmy: do you have something that you are thinking, you have stored inside of you you may use for a role. >> i will do a very unkind

impersonation of you at the party i am going to in a few minutes. >> jimmy: of me. no one has ever done it before? >> i don't mean unkind, i mean bad. a bad impersonation of you. >> jimmy: i will take whatever i can get. i would love to be impersonated by sir ben kingsley. it would be a dream come true. >> you are generous. >> when you cam to los angeles the first time, what year was that? >> my goodness, i was so lucky. my second job in the business with was the royal shakespeare company. >> wow. >> big cheese. i was in the taming of the shrew and as you look it two great comedies. we were invited to america. we were invited to the theater in los angeles. so, i was about 20. and, we flew in, i remember, at night, i looked down at the mixture of in los angeles, which is 70 miles long as you although, there. >> i don't.

i don't know anything. >> there are orange lights. and white lights. it looks like -- a carpet of jewels. it looks like, someone just unfurled their, you know, the black velvet pouch that they keep their diamonds and rubies and emeralds in. and spread it and said look at that. i remember looking out of the airplane window and seeing this jewel box laid out underneath me. it was thrilling. >> we have to take you to vegas. >> indeed. it's not the same. not the same. >> jimmy: do you feel like, you get that similar feeling now when you come here? >> every time. every time i fly over at night. i get that, i get that same buzz. >> jimmy: do you like it here? >> i love it here. >> jimmy: you do? >> yeah, because here it is possible to make dreams come true. it's, a city where dreams can come true. where dreams are made and come true. it's lineage of filmmaking, of the, of the great talent it has produced. it is a creative community.

i really love it. >> jimmy: hatch you met the super heroes outside our building? you might rethink the dreams coming true thing. >> no. >> jimmy: an honor and pleasure to have you here. sir ben kingsley, everyone. thank you very much. we'll be right back with rob delaney. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] so, maybe, we're just... hello! our son jeremy is in europe and his wireless company charges extra for data outside the u.s. so, we're getting huge bills. turn your phone off, jeremy. turn it off! if you see him, can you tell him t-mobile has coverage around the world with no extra charges. for crying out loud, jeremy, close an app! t-mobile's nation wide data covers over one hundred countries at no extra charge.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's not often you get to sit down with a music superstar, record producer, actor and entrepreneur all at the same time. so when you do, you must make the most of it. this is "3 ridiculous questions" with sean "diddy" combs. ♪ >> if you were to discover a big foot, who would you tell first? >> my mother. >> jimmy: how would that conversation go you think?

>> i'd be like, ma, i seen a big foot. >> jimmy: for $500 million, would you change your name to doody? >> for $500 million, i would change my name to doodoo. >> it feels real good. >> jimmy: i have often had that feeling. i want it so badly. >> when you feel that feeling, it feels good. >> no, you get that feeling. >> jimmy: why am i whispering now? >> you are making me feel very uncomfortable. >> jimmy: man you should have a drink. >> maybe you should have a drink. >> and to others. >> and to being blessed. >> ciroc amaretta vodka.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: if you're not

following our next guest on twitter, then you're wasting a perfectly good wi-fi signal. he has expanded well beyond 140 characters with this new book. "rob delaney: mother. wife. sister. human. warrior. falcon. yardstick. turban. cabbage." please say hello to rob delaney. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> how are you doing? >> very well, thanks. how are you? >> jimmy: doing well. i want to catch people up, people who may not know you. you started. unknown comedian. as i guess all comedians begin. >> fair. >> jimmy: you found twitter. did it speak to you? did you say this is what i was born to do? this is my launching pad? >> no, certainly not. because the, when you first heard about it, it was look a mass tech service where you

could be, like, i'm going to get a burrito. that was it. just seemed so stupid. so i didn't at all. and so, i signed up i heard other comedians were doing it. i posted a picture of myselfen my, in some of my swimming attire. >> jimmy: yes, i think we have that photograph. >> no, let's get in a little closer. how long has that been your, what do you call that, your profile photo? >> well the thing is, i thought twitter was silly. i know i will put up the worst picture of myself that exists. so i didn't take it for that. but i have that bathing suit because i live kind of near the beach. i will go swimming even in the winter and wear a wet suit. i will put that on under it. i was getting ready to do that one day. i friend of mine said, wow, you really look terrible. i said, i know. he said, why didn't i take a picture. i said that is a great idea.

and my wife was there. she is like, oh, no. >> jimmy: do you find it brings more people to your account or drives more of them away? >> i would say it is like a net zero situation. because, there are people who think it is fantastic. and they're in the bear community. and then there are people who will write me regular e , hey m i want to follow. you i scacan't be looking at th picture. >> jimmy: will you change it or will it always be? >> people who like it. people who hate it so much. and that brings me such deep peace. i will keep it. >> jimmy: you do enjoy that. i have to say, the book, first of all it is great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i expected it to be something that it isn't. i mean i expected it to be funny. it is funny. >> and it isn't funny? >> jimmy: it is funny. i think it's amazing that you are alive. >> i am fortunate to be alive.

>> jimmy: reading the book it is true. it is true? >> yeah, arguable, the book climaxes with me in a wheelchair in jail with four broken limbs covered in my own blood. that's true. that's how i used to party. and it wound up that way, i was in jail not far from here. little over 11 years ago. kind of examining myself in a hospital gouvenwn and in jail i wheelchair. i thought it is time to make some lifestyle changes. and no joke. as soon as i got out finished all my surgeries and legal requirements which you will amass when you live that way. it was one of the, not long after that. first open mike. hey, this is cool. this it better than that. >> jimmy: you went from wheel chair bound to literally doing stand-up. you were standing. enjoying it. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: like 1 million followers. >> we are approaching 1 million. >> jimmy: who is we? you are from boston, i know.

you sang the national anthem at dodgers game. did you, have you sang? >> the first time i did it. believe it or not in 2004 at fen way the year they won the world series after 714 years of not winning it. yeah, i had a friend who worked for the red sox. there is 180 games a year. so they can't get josh groban for each one. they have to get some schmuck. that's where i come in. >> you have a great voice. when i saw you were singing, i thought this is terrible. this is what happened to roseanne. this is going to be really bad. maybe i should call rob and say, don't do this. >> think about not doing it. no, it is true. beaver i ever started doing comedy, i thought that i might want to do musical theater. that's what i studied in college. my friend knew. i heard. i think i remember singing a show tune at one time or another. so she had me come in and audition. they were like, yeah, okay. okay, can't get anybody else. i didn't screw it up. they had me back. i have done fenway, dodgers a bunch.

>> nice thing about fans in boston. they're really forgiving. >> ha-ha-ha. >> jimmy: you would be gutted. bury you in several coffins. looking at scanning for my name. didn't find it. i did find bill cosby's name. >> yes, uh-huh. >> jimmy: he is the comedian bill cosby. >> one and the same. >> what is your relationship to bill cosby. >> tiny. our agents are in the same agency if i was going to go see him as paying ticket holder and fan. >> jimmy: when? >> two years ago. i mentioned title my agent. i guess casually, agent lunch table. he said to bill cosby. he summoned me. my wife and i came before his show, here in l.a., and pour 20 minutes it was me, my wife and him in a dressing room with him expounding on comedy and jello. it was -- it was -- it was amazing.

i mean it was like. >> jimmy: what did he share with you? >> the best thing that he said was -- he said, well it is important you have to keep your family above your comedy career. >> jimmy: a wonderf fuful imita. >> i'm known as a mimic. he said important thing to keep your family above your comedy career. then you can really be great, and have a long one. and i, he said, i said okay, great. he said repeat that back to me. i go, you got to keep your family above -- i giggled. he said say it again. and don't laugh. i was like, this woman is more important than my comedy career. he said, you are [ bleep ] right. then he want out and did his show. did a two-hour show. so great. and it was amazing. >> jimmy: is he familiar with your work? >> i have to believe that he isn't. because he is famously chaz ties ford being filthy. and i am a well known scumbag. he probably just thought, oh

well this kid is trying comedy. that my agent signed him by mistake. i will tell him what it is really like. and he will quit. i came in. i, right out of the gate, i don't seem like a monster. get to know me a few minutes. he thought i was some nice kid. >> jimmy: you are weird on the inside. that's what really counts. i am going to read the title. why is it called this? what is the story behind it? >> the reason i did it. did a tweet a couple years ago making fun of people's bios on social media. like celebrities. shortstop. well, you know i look to make my own barbecue sauce, father to tessa, age 4. like i don't care. you are a shortstop. so that's my version of making fun of that person. >> rob delany, mother, wife, and rob delaney, everybody!

♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

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>> jimmy: i'd like to thank ben kingsley, rob delaney and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, here with the title track from their new ep, "pumpin' blood," nonono. good night! ♪ ♪ ♪ hey ho on the road again moving on forward ♪ ♪ stick and stones want break our bones

we're in the car on the highway ♪ ♪ it's so magical this feeling like no one's got a hold ♪ ♪ you're a catalyst to your own happiness you know ♪ ♪ 'cause it's your heart it's alive it's pumpin' blood ♪ ♪ it's your heart it's alive it's pumpin' blood ♪ ♪ and the whole wide world is whistling and it's whistling ♪ ♪ hey ho on the run again drive is strong onwards ♪

♪ stick and stones want take its course you got the part in the front seat ♪ ♪ it's the best of worlds the feeling like nothing can go wrong ♪ ♪ you're the decider of the world that you will get to know ♪ ♪ 'cause it's your heart it's alive it's pumpin' blood ♪ ♪ it's your heart it's alive it's pumpin' blood ♪ ♪ ♪