>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- chris hemsworth. artie lange. jimmy's youtube challenge and music from jane's addiction. with cleto and the cletones and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> thank you. thank you. thank you. i'm glad you're on time.

[ cheers and applause ] >> today is one of my favorite days of the year. the monday after daylights saving time ends, it's the best workday. this morning i got up before the alarm went off. i got to work early. i taught a pilates class on the way in. i felt like i was in a commercial. i love it when we set the clock back. there is one negative. it marks the beginning of a four month period of my clock on my microwave being an hour wrong. we have some great guests for you tonight, chris hemsworth is here. specifically to make us feel bad about our bodies. and then, and then we will all feel good again courtesy of the great artie lange.

and as if that wasn't enough, we have muse frik jaic from jane's addiction. we also have our youtube challenge. you will not be disappointed with this year's submissions. if you enjoy watching kids lose their mind over tootsie rolls, stick around. the ipad came out on friday. it's the ipad air. this is what i think is the most interesting thing about it, it's just a box full of air. there's nothing in it. apple wanted to see what they could get away with and we fell for it again. you have to figure out what to d with your old ipad. as a public service, here is our tech correspondent and parking lot correspondent guillermo. >> the new ipad air is out. if you're like me with an old

ipad, i will show you what to do. first you pick it up. second, you throw it in the trash can. i'm guillermo. you're welcome. don't forget to visit my page for all the information. thank you. [ applause ] >> little known fact that guillermo is also in charge of the obama care website. >> and bolt has a new book coming out this weekend. he said during the ten days he was in beijing, he ate 1,000 chicken mcnuggets. he would eat 40 nuggets for lunch, 20 for lunch and 40 for dinner. 100 nuggets a day and he won three gold medals. it's weird. i have also eaten 100 chicken mcnuggets in one day and i didn't win any gold medals.

yesterday at the new york city marathon, if any mcnuggets were consumed i have a feeling they went into the mouth of the runner you are about to meet. >> people all over the world taking this very important step, particularly for the people -- >> seventh new york marathon, tenth overall and i'm running it so my friend's mom can get medical marijuana in florida. >> okay. interesting. that's what you call a runner's high. do you know the name joel osteen? he's the pastor of a massive church in houston. he tweeted the following. he said a true friend walks in when everybody else walks out. a true friend doesn't rub it in when you make a mistake, they rub it out. and by the way, doesn't even

need to be a true friend. it could be a random stranger you meet by a dumpster or something. when he realized what he had said, he deleted the tweet but the damage had been done. first of all, he actually gained about 15,000 new followers after the tweet and his quote has been immortalized on one of the inspirational posters. tell you what, i will never run out of time for that picture. "dancing with the stars" had a special guest star. cher is one of the most popular singers of all time which is good. based on her appearance tonight she does not have a bright future as a reality score judge. >> would the judges please reveal their scores. cher. >> cher? >> oh! >> not a name tag. a number.

if only she could turn back time. i hope you had a fun and festive halloween. i had a lot of left overcandy. every day when the mail man comes, i hand him some and tell him his costume is great. there was a big halloween celebrati celebration, and a half a million people filled the street s it is one of over 40 nights of the year that you can see half naked people in costumes. some of those costumes that were not creative managed to be entertaining. >> from the scary to the sweet to the skimpy, everyone was out to impress at the annual halloween carnival. >> all the footballing and soccering. >> and baseballing, too. >> don't forget the hockeying while we're at it. you know, with so many color

characters out celebrating we thought it would be a good opportunity for fun. so we sent a camera crew right into the middle of it to ask people for their thoughts on a renowned actress. eliza ducane. not only is she not dead, we made her up. that didn't stop revelers from becoming mourners in tonight's edition of lie witness news. >> it's a super fun night but you probably heard about the passing of the legendary actress eliza ducane. >> it's always sad when one of the greats leave us. >> what did you like about her acting? >> her acting was real. she was one of the last real actors, you know? it came off really well. >> it was real and timeless? >> it was. >> what was it about her style

that stuck out? >> classic hollywood. >> what about her acting? what specifically set her apart? >> the tears. when ever she gave a scene where she cried. >> everything, like, that she gives out, it's freedom. >> for me, as a young gay man, eliza ducane, she was somebody that i looked up to and aspired to and i thought if she can come from the humble roots that she came from and be a hollywood star, i can come out. >> why do we have such classic beauties like her. >> what was her acting like? >> that's actual acting. i saw part of the movie. i didn't see the whole movie. >> what was it about eliza's aking style that you like. >> a very professional actress.

she felt every character that she could feel. and like -- i'm sorry. i can't even do this right now. >> the star quality that will last a while? >> it already has. from when ever she looked like that, if you see a movie with her in it, she has already lasted that long. >> what do you think of the death of eliza ducane. >> i know that she loved weed. i would love to enjoy with you maybe in the future. >> like i don't know if you have ever had the celebrities that you feel like you know and understand. >> right. >> i felt like if i would have met her i would have been her friend or something. i feltd like we would have been hanging out all the time like i can relate to her. >> like you knew eliza ducane. >> i really do miss you. i wish you would will showing your talent to all of us.

>> eliza, you will always be alive in our hearts. >> couldn't be a better day to honor her and her acting ability. she was awesome. >> may god bless you always and you are imprinted on us in this lifetime. may it always and never be forgotten. >> you are an amazing classical beauty that teaches me to never give up and always push and make it possible. >> are you aware that eliza is not a real person. >> no. >> fake. [ applause ] >> a tragedy whether it happened or not. we're going to take a break. do not run off. maybe the highlight of our broadcast year, the results of the halloween candy youtube challenge, plus we've also got chris hemsworth,

artie lange, and music from jane's addiction. so come on back. [ cheers and applause ]

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>> with hi and welcome back. first, i want to talk about kids. for kids, halloween candy is a sacred thing. for a lot of them it's the first time they ever earn anything. we had an idea for a massive prank that parents could pull on their children. i asked parents to pretend their alt all of their child's halloween candy. and upload it to youtube. this is the third year we have done this and we got an avalanche of great responses. it took us the whole weekend to go through them and we did. without further adieu, the candy

monster strikes again. >> last night we ate every bit of your halloween candy. >> no! >> why did you do that? >> why? >> it's all gone. >> you just ate all of it. >> i'm sorry. >> look at you look at you look at you. it's not funny. >> we ate it. >> all gone. >> give me my candy!

>> i'm so sorry. >> i hate you! >> i was just kidding. >> that's not very nice. >> we got hungry. >> you know what i'm going to do with you? spank you. in your butt. >> why? >> the candies. all my candy. >> i'm sorry. >> it's okay.

>> do you want to go finish your cereal? >> yes, please. >> all right. go finish your cereal. >> daddy ate it all. >> your mom ate all of your candy. >> you are not nice. >> we're really sorry. >> we accidentally ate all of your candy. >> we accidentally ate a lot of halloween candy. >> did you -- did you eat all of it? don't tell me you ate all of it. >> honey, you know we should cut

down on sweets anyway. i want you to eat more healthy. >> you can eat your healthy stuff because you're fat. >> i ate all you guys' candy. >> but you don't even have a gallbladder. >> we ate all the candy. >> are you serious? >> you expect me to -- >> i don't care. >> sit down you're naked. >> guys guess what? >> we're just kidding. all the candy is in the laundry room. >> i ate all your candy. >> why? >> because i was hungry. what? what?

>> your mom ate all of your halloween candy. >> it's okay. >> yeah? okay, thanks. >> thanks for letting us eat your candy. >> you're welcome. >> do you love us? >> i don't like jimmy kimmel any more. >> say jimmy kimmel, my mom ate all of my halloween candy. >> who's jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy kimmel told me to do this. >> he did? >> he told me to eat all of your candy. >> what? he doesn't like me. >> he doesn't like you? >> no he doesn't. >> i spent two hours walking around the whole entire neighborhood getting candy. >> just kidding. >> mom! why did you do that every

halloween? >> i ate all of your halloween candy yesterday. you want to call her? she's at school. >> tell her to come home and bring me me my candy. >> she can't. she ate it. >> that [ bleep ]. >> out of the mouths of babes. thanks to all of the kids and their terrible parents who pitched in and made that possible. tonight on the show, artie lang is here. we have music from jane's addiction. and we'll be right back with chris hemsworth. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the program, he has a fascinating and hilarious new book called "crash and burn." the indestructible artie lange is here. and then, they are newly-inducted to the hollywood walk of fame, celebrating the 25th anniversary of their first studio album, "nothing's shocking," jane's addiction from the sony outdoor stage. tomorrow night, vince vaughn will be here, mark consuelos will be with us, and we'll have music from st. lucia.

and later this week, dr. phil, rob lowe, erin andrews, columbus short from "scandal," and music from florida georgia line and nine inch nails. their first television performance i'm told -- on our show. and also, i have something very special to share with you. a week from tomorrow, the annual "favorite things" issue of "o" magazine will hit newsstands. and i have the honor debuting the cover of it here for you this evening. it features oprah wearing a beautiful vera wang gown. and when you open it up you'll see she has a special little elf helping her out. that's right. move over beeswax body butter and french vanilla scented candles, there's a new favorite thing in town and his name is me! this is not fake. i know people will think it's fake. this is the real magazine. i've only appeared in "o" magazine one other time.

and it was in a print ad for a male support bra. just goes to show you, dreams really do come true. thank you oprah for almost putting me on the cover with you. there i am on the inside. oh, hello there. all right. our first guest comes to us from asgard by way of australia. he once again takes up the biggest hammer home depot sells to vanquish villains and protect the planet in "thor: the dark world."

>> i accept your surrender. anyone else? >> jimmy: "thor: the dark world" opens in theaters friday, please say hello to chris hemsworth. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ all right. i heard your hurt your hand? your hand is swollen. what happened? >> i dislocated my finger. this one. >> how did you do that? >> a friend of mine does a lot of brazilian jujitsu and i don't. he was showing me a thing or two and i fell back on it.

the knuckle was sitting like half an inch down. >> did you get an x-ray? >> no, my friend grabbed it and put it back in. >> oh, okay. >> it is rather swollen still. >> are you one of those guys that never goes to the doctor? >> if i had time i would have but i had to come see you. >> i'm glad you came here instead. you have been in london shooting a new ron howard film. do they celebrate halloween in london? do they dress up? >> it's certainly gotten bigger than it used to be. we don't do much in australia. >> do you see little thors running around there? >> i was at the airport and this little kid was dressed up running around me braking things. his mother grabs him and says look it's the real thor.

he turns around and says no it's not. i thought without the outfit i'm nothing. >> he's more thor than you are if he cease dressed up. so you're on this crazy diet right now? >> yes. a bunch of sailors in a wh whaling ship get struck by a whale. and they basically begin to die and eat each other. basically a romantic comedy. so right around 500, 600 calories a day. i had a cheat meal a couple of minutes ago. >> what did you have? >> a bit of pizza. >> how many slices? >> about ten. that's just once a week and then you feel really guilty.

you never heard 15 burly guys talking about their calorie count and what they should and shouldn't eat and what their cheat meal is going be. >> that sounds the worst thing ever. >> you can consume that in a milk shake. so it ends up being a couple of small salads and protein and you go to bed hungry and you have a fasting period of like 15 hours like you stop eating completely. and then you have little meals. >> you should be skinny for the next thor movie. like a really scrawny starved thor. >> it would be a character piece, wouldn't it? >> i know you're a powerful man. now i'm hoping that your hand doesn't ruin this. we have some super heros in our neighborhood ourselves. we have working men and sometimes women who also work

the streets as super heros in costume. don't we got ahold of one of the strong arm carnival games. i wondered if you would accept this challenge. would you like to take on some of our hollywood boulevard super heroes? >> i will. >> and here we go. come on over here. here it is. by the way, that's being kind, i will add. look at that? luckily you're doing this because we made your face on it. stand right over here and we're going to bring out our competitors. guillermo you're going to keep score? >> yeah, jimmy. >> each will get one swing to try to make it ring the bell. let's welcome our first gust, spiderman.

>> hi, spiderman. >> spider man's got his own la clippers gloves, too. now spider man you have been working out for how long? >> about three years. >> have you ever had a situation where you have had to put your strength to the test? >> of course. of course. i'm ready to jump in and be a hero any chance i get. >> your chance to take on the mighty thor. are you ready? you get one shot at this. >> all right. >> most of those muscles are foam rubber. i know that for a fact. we're going to see how this goes rchl you ready? >> ready. >> all right. dig in and let it happen. as hard as you can. what do we have guillermo? >> 10. >> okay. you have a ten. thank you spiderman. i will take that from you. captain america. captain, come on out.

don't you usually wear a mask? what's with the fanny pack? >> it's part of the gear. >> how long have you been out on hollywood boulevard? >> about a year. >> how's it going out there? >> pretty good. could be better. >> he is brimming with enthusiasm. let's hope you are as strong as you are excited. here we go. tap in. captain america! what do we have there guillermo? >> 11. >> another beautiful rendering. thank you, captain america. stand back there. use your shield. are you ready? >> i'm ready.

>> can i use my own hammer? >> you have your own hammer? of course. bring out the hammer of thor. there we go. [ cheers and applause ] >> one handed, too? >> i got a busted hand. >> here we go. [ applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: chris hemsworth! "thor: the dark world" opens in theaters this friday. we'll be right back with artie lange. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by gillette. ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is one of the funniest people i know. he is a comedian, a radio host and a noted author too. his second book is called "crash and burn." please welcome artie lange. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> here comes the fat four! >> look at that. how are you? look at you. >> chris is the only one who gets laid when he holds it. no one else is getting laid when

they hold it. i want some vagina. you can't have any. i'm thor. no, you're a fat guy i want some vagina. >> you're destroying my desk. >> i'm sorry. >> oh my god. >> how are you? how you doing? how's everything? put that hammer down. you make me nervous. >> i feel fantastic. chris stole one of my stories. i, too, was doing brazilian jujitsu. >> is that right? >> oh yeah. >> are you on any kind of health regimen right now? >> oh yeah. it's funny. i had a bit of pizza. and he said ten pieces and i was like that's breakfast. it's funny.

when he's not doing drugs, do anything not to do drugs. have as much sex as you want. go overboard with eating. sex and food. well guess which one i did? i stopped doing coke and i have been having sex like every day. the only reason i got sex is because i had coke. i mean, it has been the victoria secret model after another, banging away. so i just ate until i'm morbidly obese. i don't do drugs but i have diabetes. something's going to get you. >> you're engaged now. >> i'm engaged. i got engaged. >> congratulations. >> did you know -- >> the difference between me and

chris, it's insane. we're not in the same species. >> i feel like it's a catalog come to life. >> try not to look. >> i got engaged. she's a wonderful girl. i used to date a lot aftof ital girls from new jersey. when they got mad they sounded exactly like andrew dice clay. when they would get mad they would be like you fat bastard, what am i going to do with you? she's very danty and nice. >> she's not i-tallian. >> no. her family are classy nice people. they're very nice to me, but i just don't think i was the one they had in mind for their daughter. >> maybe not. >> when their daughter was in high school when someone said who's your dream guy, we want

like, ifdom dellowese were on heroin. like if newman from seinfeld had a drinking problem. >> are you still gambling? i can't do anything. i'm one of those people that can't do anything. i can like barely breathe. breathing leads to bad stuff. >> don't do things. >> first of all, it's probably the funniest book about a suicide. >> it's upsetting. you were nice enough to stay in touch and text me once in a while. >> hi, i just threw up on some caviar, who are you? >> spring stooen actually called you. >> and this is is a classic example of how i disappointed

people. he was concerned about me and he spent an hour on the phone with me. out of the blue he called me. that's the power of the howard stern show. i'm like, yeah, i'm fine. it's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. listen, call me any time. i always thought it would be funny. i called them every day. hey, you want to go shopping? can i bring my guitar over? you want to do cross fit today? but a year later, i see him in paris. i always said i went to go see him in concert and i met him. i got a chance to finally thank him. i hugged him and said i beat heroin. i'm clean and soeber and your phone call meant a lot to me. he gave me a big hug and said i'm glad. keep up the good work, man. no lie, 20 years later -- 20

hours later, 20 hours later i was in the paris lock up for public drunkenness. i got mad and i started drinking the next night and i took a swing at a paris cop, which i would never do if i was soeber and they took me into the psych ward of the jail and they put me in there. i thought what if bruise hears about this. i just said i'm clean and sober. >> bruce would be very upset. >> on my tombstone it would say he disappointed everybody. >> i don't want to talk about ep at thes with you. >> should you ever believe people with a drug addiction that they are doing well? >> no. >> we have no idea -- >> i'm obviously fine. >> let's not go that far.

>> the van is holding. it's very good this year. i am delight ed he needs the money. we will be right back with music from jane's addiction. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> i'd like to thank chris hemsworth, artie lange, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, celebrating 25 years since their first record -- "nothing's shocking." here with the song, "stop," jane's addiction. ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ save the complaints for a party conversation the world is loaded it's lit to pop ♪ ♪ and nobody is gonna stop

no one no one no way ♪ ♪ gonna stop, now go farm people book wavers ♪ ♪ soul savers love preachers lit to pop and nobody is gonna stop ♪ ♪ ♪ one come a day the water will run no man will stand ♪ ♪ for things that he had done hurrah ♪ ♪ and the water will run

one come a day the water will run no man will stand ♪ ♪ for things that he had done hurrah and the water will run ♪ ♪ will run will run gimmie that