dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, colin farrell, from "criminal minds" jeanne tripplehorn. and music from megadeth. with cleto and the cletones. and now you'd better believe it, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you for being here tonight.

you know, there are only eight days left until christmas, or 12 if you filed for an extension. i tell you, it's really amazing how popular baby jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on facebook. i finished my christmas shopping over the weekend. i know, i hate me, too. i buy a lot of gifts but i keep it simple. i go to gweneth paltrow's website and buy. and then pass them around. the holiday spirit is in fifth gear. santa con is an event at which everyone dresses like santa and goes on a pub crawl. it is in the name of charity but mostly to get drunk.

santas got in a fistfight. i don't know why they were fighting but they were fighting. i have no idea why. how do they know who is fighting? >> you talk about a santa fight? that's what you want. >> he's right. on numerous occasions when i talked about a santa fight, that is exactly what i wanted. the midwest and the northeast over the weekend. flights are cancelled, schools are shut down. some students are having to be home bullied. it wasn't great here in la. you should have seen the line outside yogurt land. it was around the block. i have friends who live in new york telling me they are tired of me talking about how nice the

weather is. so it was terrible here. it really was. it is difficult to come up with a creative idea for a holiday card. but the u.s. ambassador to finland? he is the son of the guy who founded orick vacuum cleaners. the place is now spotless. last year he got some attention when he sent this out. a special edition of the embassy holiday card featuring his biceps. people criticized it. that is him with four naked men in a sauna. more like the u.s. ambassador to funland, am i right? no? in case you're wondering, that's what ambassadors do. this is from the local nbc affiliate in wichita.

anchorman said something that i think many of us say at the end of our workday. he said it on live television. >> that is all the time we have for this saturday night. "saturday night live" is next with a new one with john goodman as host. we'll be back tomorrow after football. hope to see you then. [ bleep ] out of here. >> i'd like to see that become a trademark sign off. the west toronto church of god invited mayor ford to their church and not only did he show up, he wound up on the altar singing with the choir. we have video tape fortunately. he's the one on the right. look at the -- i call that move

the i'm the only white person in the gospel choir shuffle. nobody wants to be near him. the woman next to him is not looking at him and almost has like -- she's like turned away from him. after the service, he -- i guess -- it's great. he is beautiful. he did pose for pictures with some of the congregation after the service. the person who posted this picture tweeted it and said the mayor smelled like ganja. i always imagined him smelling like a 12 piece bucket of kfc. after he danced, the congregation wrung his shirt out and recreated noah's ark. have you noticed that when mayor ford pops up at these events he

is always alone. we have him flying solo last month. you see him surrounded by strangers. here he is at an nfl game. he is his own plus one. maybe his friends are there and he is just sitting on them. i don't know. another landmark weekend for the iranian space program. on saturday they reportedly launched another monkey in space. i say reportedly because there is always a chance they photo shopped the whole thing. in january, there is a photograph they say they sent into space but when people compared it to the photograph, it appeared to be a different monkey. here's the thing. if you're going to lie about the space program. send -- i would say i sent a giraffe into space. that's the rocket. they claim the monkey went 72

miles up and returned safely to earth 15 minutes later. that's him. >> and there it was, a safe return to earth by this tiny creature which received a hero's welcome back at the base. a team of young scientists who celebrated their success of building a safer and more advanced biocapsule. >> before he was launched in space, he was living in iran so it was a nice little break. okay. somebody sent it to me today, so i thought i would share it with you. this is video of a couple guys fighting in the canary islands. kicking each other and going at it. the police were nearby and they responded quickly. i don't know if somebody called or what. but the cop forgot one important -- he did stop the fight. as i mentioned earlier, the

holidays were in full swing. it can also be an especially depressing time of the year and that's where my aunt chippy comes in. we asked you, our viewers to ask aunt chippy for advice. we have received a lot of them so far. our newest installment of dear aunt chippy. >> dear aunt chippy. i want to do something special for my boyfriend this christmas because we have been dating for almost two months now. should i shave my hair down there into a candy cane shape or a cross. i want to be festive. love cindy, age 20. cindy? i don't think you should shave it at all. i think you should take the razor and cut your [ bleep ] throat with it. i don't know anybody who would really be interested in a candy cane and god forbid, much less a

cross on your vagina. nobody wants to see that. so either cut your throat or cut your wrists but get it over with because he ain't gonna marry you anyway. good night, cindy. if you have a question for me, please e-mail me at dear aunt chippy@gmail.com. >> can you believe i was scared of her when i was a kid? when we come back we have a very rare holiday music performance from megadeath. we've also got colin farrell, and jeanne tripplehorn. come on back. ♪ our plan is in place. ♪ we've rigged up a trap to catch sight of his face. ♪

♪ if only we could, just stay awake... ♪ ♪ ♪music plays ♪ the gifts everyone wants, powered by the network that brings them all to life. that's powerful.

verizon. [ male announcer ] we're saying thanks, all december long, with 2 of your favorites for just $2 each! the 6-inch cold cut combo or meatball marinara. $2 subs?! that's something to celebrate! subway. eat fresh.

that's something to celebrate! for his son. a tablet? a laptop? which 'twas the right one? his friends were no help so he sought a wise one in blue. the powerful hp split x2. it's a laptop and tablet. isn't that nice? papa comes home with the gift that gives twice. two gifts in one, 'twas a holiday triumph. indecision no more. au revoir and goodbye-umph. someone needs a candy cane and it ain't you. save on great gifts, like the hp split x2 at your ultimate holiday showroom. best buy.

>> hello there and welcome back. we have music from megadeth. there was no winner on friday night's megamillion jackpot drawing. once again, the amount of money you will definitely not win is now up to $586 million. if it stays at 586 million it would be the second biggest megamillions jackpot ever. does it seem that every jock pot is the second biggest jackpot ever? officials say it could break the all time record. the odds of winning are one in 259 million. i want to say congratulations to a group of eight people who work in a staple manufacturing plant. this is quite a tale. back in 1979 a guy here in la

was found guilty of murder and sent to prison until last month when a judge determined he was wrongly convicted. the only thing more amazing than this man's story is this man's name. >> a very emotional day for cash register. it is finally over. the judge making it clear, he is a free man. >> no reason to come into the courtroom. it is the best thing that could happen. >> being able to have the privilege of being able to represent mr. register. >> that last one has to be a typo. that's who should win the lottery. give it to cash register! [ applause ] guillermo, do you ever play the lottery? >> yes. >> did you buy megamillions tickets? >> no, tomorrow.

>> it wasn't high enough for you yet? >> to 600 million. >> if you were to win the megamillions lottery, would you continue to work here or would you quit your job? >> wow. i would keep working for you. [ applause ] >> would you be willing to submit to a polygraph test? if we have a professional come and hook you up to a lie detector, do you believe you would pass? >> yes. yes. i love working for you. >> you what? >> i love working for you. >> okay. all right. i almost believe him. i really do. one more thing, our musical guest tonight, the legendary band megadeth is here to perform super collider. this is exciting. they have a special something

ready for the holidays. i asked them if they would be kind enough to unveil it. for a band named megadeth, they are surprisingly agreeable. here it is new music from megadeth just in time for christmas. >> this holiday bring home the sounds of the season with megadeth. all of your beloved favorites in one special collection. ♪ frosty the snowman >> the little drummer boy. ♪ shall i play for you ♪ blah blah blah >> do you hear what i hear? ♪ do you hear what i hear ♪ do you hear what i hear

>> and many, many more. >> hi. wi ear megadeth. these are the carols we grew up loving. >> and you'll love them, too. >> or santa will kick you. >> in the throat. >> this unique collection also features a unique duty. ♪ i really can't stay ♪ baby it's cold outside ♪ i've got to go away ♪ baby it's cold outside >> no seriously, i have to go. i'm scared. >> thrashing through the snow. a very megadeth christmas. >> available at walgreens. tonight on the show, from >> that's con convenience nen. "criminal minds" jeanne tripplehorn. we have music from megadeth and we'll be right back with colin farrell. so come back.

i got the tree, open the door! ahh! there's a better way to save. he's not hibernating! because if you've shopped at sears, you may have valuable points waiting to be redeemed on millions of great gift ideas in stores or at sears.com. remember, points equal dollars. so hurry in and use them now before they expire. holiday a better way. sears. and i thought you were gonna eat me...

♪ i've got ♪he power cuz i live like i want, huh! ♪ ♪ ain't listening to you, i only listen to my heart, huh! ♪ ♪ ♪ try try try try try to lift up the weight ♪ ♪the world is wild at heart ♪ give it to me now

th'rtwfoju rebus. yodre.

that put you on their gift list? well say hello to aio! at aio wireless you can get an android smartphone free with activation. free android phone?!?! yes please.

plus, aio has a reliable nationwide network contracts. it's like the presents just keep coming! a wireless company that puts me at the top of their list? i'm in! stop by your neighborhood aio store or visit aiowireless.com. aio, a new way to wireless. jimmy: tonight on the program, from "criminal minds," the delightful jeanne tripplehorn is here. and then, to relax you as you drift off to sleep, with music from this album "super collider" megadeth from the sony outdoor stage.

[ applause ] this will be fun. mark wahlburg will be here, and we will have music from police. and will ferrell, phil similmon. and a special music collaboration between christopher cross and ron burgundy. our first guest is a golden globe winning actor who hails from a country that brought us red hair, dark beer, green clovers, pink hearts and yellow moons. his new movie, alongside tom hanks and emma thompson is called "saving mr. banks" it opens in theaters friday, please say hello to colin farrell. [ applause ]

>> how you doing? >> good. it's been a while, i think, since i've seen you. >> i've been told three and a half years. >> that's too long. how's your mother doing? >> you are still thin and handsome. i think you have lost a couple. the last two are the hardest? >> the last two are the hard ones. because it's like two whole pizzas. >> i may have blanked it out. >> or maybe she was just visiting. >> i think she was -- she was in the early stages. yeah. she used to make two trips over to ireland a year and three months was -- >> that was enough? >> yeah. i love my mother and having my stuff cleaned for me and drawers rearranged? she used to rearrange my

pornography material. >> did she? >> the covers were not subtle. >> talking about my band leader and i grew up together. i told a beautiful story of how he decided to have sex not in his parent's bed but any parent's bed and threw a wrapper from the protection into my parent's room. littered. >> the protection was littered on the inside? >> no, no, no. just the wrapper itself. it was not quite as horrible a story. and of course my mother found it immediately. >> but he must be commended for his responsibility. >> that's a good way of looking at it. >> how many children have you had since? >> two. >> you must have lost your virginity when you were like 8 or something? >> are we going the bill clinton

route or --? i probably made love to my hand for the first time when i was 11. >> that's very sweet. and you're still together. >> we see other people as well. the eternal threesome. my mother has since moved on. >> she's in someone else's drawers. she found herself a really nice man. she got married six months ago. >> oh, wow, your mom got married. did you have to throw her a wedding? >> a wedding was thrown in the back garden. was not thrown for far. just landed in the back garden. >> that's nice. >> they met a little over a year ago. and they lived in sin for about six months. i met him and vetted him and

asked what his intentions were and what his future looked like. >> how old of a man is he? >> 74. he's got a future mostly planned. >> and he answered all your questions? >> he did. he's a wonderful man and she's very happy. he dropped her back off on time every time i put a curfew on. a 5:30 in bed at her metamucil. and i vetted all of this material with my mother earlier. just so everyone knows, i really did. i made sure my lawyer was there. >> do you go home for christmas? >> usually. >> not this year? >> this year will be the first because mom will be here with joel. the first time we will be here. >> christmas in la. it's very christmassy here. >> bermuda shorts and vests? nobody should ever wear them. >> what do they do in ireland?

>> get drunk and fall asleep to 80s movies. leave your socks out, present under the tree and leave santa a glass -- a bottle of guiness. >> we leave milk and cookies. >> of course you do. you're puritanical americans. what about jell-o shots? a bowl or something. >> something classy. >> we used to, when i was a kid we would leave a bottle of guiness. >> as a kid, you would leave beer? >> it was grossly irresponsible. beer while flying. >> as long as you don't get the reindeer drunk you're okay. >> you hear air traffic control, there is a sled doing figure eights and donudonuts. >> is it snowing in ireland?

>> people come from all over the world, come home, the pubs are full. i miss it this year. >> you gave everything up, all the fun stuff? >> everything. drinking, smoking, breathing. >> do you enjoy your life any more? is it fun, still? >> as often as i used to. i do, i do. i have more fun now. >> you do? >> it's not as loud but i do have more fun now and i can be there for certain people in me life in a way that i couldn't have been before. >> do you feel a spoblresponsib the tradition? >> i feel like an absolute national let down. when you give up drinking as an irishman? i said in rehab that i'm not giving up the booze. i remember saying there's a harp on me passport.

>> i think you did the right thing. when we come back, you couldn't be in the mary poppins movie. "saving mr. banks is the movie. rinking man.♪ go back to sleep angus darling.

avo: thesales event "sis back. drive" which means it's never been easier to get a new 2014 jetta. it gets an impressive 34 highway mpg and comes with no charge scheduled maintenance. and right now you can drive one home for practically just your signature. sign. then drive. get zero due at signing, zero down, zero deposit, and zero first month's payment on any new 2014 volkswagen. hurry, this offer ends january 2nd. visit vwdealer.com today

eat right, not less. [ woman ] hi, this looks interesting! would you like to try some hot cereal? [ women ] sure! [ female announcer ] introducing special k nourish hot cereal. special k? wow! wow! [ female announcer ] made with superfoods... i can definitely taste the quinoa. i can't believe that's less than 200 calories. [ female announcer ] ...to help you truly shine. this is a way to be good to me. [ female announcer ] nurturing yourself. what will you gain when you lose? also available in nourish nutrition bars in the diet & nutrition aisle.

it's all your favorites and a whole lot more, like a 20-piece chicken mcnuggets -- just 5 bucks. more choices than ever before. that's the dollar menu and more. ♪

>> there aren't any. >> last night it was. >> yes, indeed. hurry, catch her before she flies away. >> there it is. collin ferrell in saving mr. banks. in the movie, you're better equipped to set up who you play. >> no idea. >> everything is is a flash back in the movie.

>> yes. i play the father of the character that emma thompson plays later in life, the woman that wrote the mary poppins series of books. >> and her father? >> her father in the script, i don't know much about him in real life. it was 1907 in australia. but the script was beautiful. he was a very gregarious alcoholic by the end. >> did you shoot that in australia? >> i wish. that is why i signed up for the gig. you could see the hollywood sign. my agent promised me i would get to go back to australia. i lived there when i was 18. >> were you sent to prison in australia? >> okay. >> i went on a one-year visa. we tried to get a visa to

america. australia seemed easier. unless you have killed somebody, australia is like come on over. >> australia seems more fun. >> we planned to see the whole country but we got so lazy. >> who did you go with? >> two of my old schoolmates from back home. >> do you keep in touch with the guys? >> paul is back home, stephen is in london. all of my old meats are back in dublin. they will call me and say ferrell, won't even buy for us any more. >> you're not on facebook? >> i signed up for viber. a free phone thing that you get texts and not have to pay. >> really? you're worried about that? abyour text bill? >> are you kidding me? >> are you a cheap guy? >> cheap ass.

>> is that right? >> i choose well. >> the boots are not ten years old? >> they are old boots. >> wow. that's something else. you're using free texting apps. >> yeah, for sure. i love a freebie. a free comb? >> where are you getting free combs? >> i was in a hotel about a year ago and in the changing room they had individual combs and they had leopard skin motif that my father used to have when i was a kid. >> you ought to hang out near the guys at the tsa. i bet you would get a lot of free stuff. >> those wanks? they take stuff. >> but they might give it to you. >> give what to me? >> whatever you want. >> that sounds wrong. >> i feel like we have opened a very rich vein. it is good to see you. collin ferrell, everybody.

we will be right back. the hall of success. here we honor the proud accomplishments of our students and alumni. people like, maria salazar, an executive director at american red cross. or garlin smith, video account director at yahoo. and for every garlin, thousands more are hired by hundreds of top companies. each expanding the influence of our proud university of phoenix network. that's right, university of phoenix. enroll now. we've got a frame waiting for you. you're talking to the guy who hasn't approved a new stapler purchase in three years.

but then i saw the new windows tablet, with a real keyboard, usb port, and full office. it's a tablet that works for work. plus, it's got apps and games, for after hours, of course. compared to an ipad -- way more value. these tablets are such a steal; i couldn't find a reason not to buy them. ♪ honestly, i wanna see you be brave ♪ i couldn't find a reason two hamster wheels..." ♪ "...and a rawhide enough for three." ♪ ho, ho, ho, ho... (female announcer) celebrate the joy in giving! save 20% on hundreds of items and save $2 on iams® dog food bonus bags and get 10% more free!

♪ ♪ ♪ verizon now has the gifts everyone wants. that's powerful. verizon.

...are the hands that do good things for the whole community: the environment, seniors, kids, and animals. that's why we created the share the love event. by the end of this year, the total donated by subaru could reach 35 million dollars. you get a great deal on a new subaru. we'll donate 250 dollars to a choice of charities that benefit your community. it feels good to be a helping hand.

s jimmy: you know our next guest from "the firm," "basic instinct," and "big love" among other projects but now she is focused squarely on fighting crime her show is called "criminal minds" it airs wednesdays on cbs. please welcome jeanne tripplehorn. [ applause ] >> it's very good to see you. >> good to see you. >> i was fortunate enough to see you perform with eddie vedder at a charity event, which was hilarious. >> the craziest thing. >> i mean, it was hilarious. it was really genuinely funny. we were so impressed by it, my

wife and i. how do you know eddie vedder? >> i met him years ago, over ten years ago. we were -- there were a whole bunch of us in toronto doing movies, camp canada, we call it. everybody goes up there to do movies. one night we met eddie vedder and he was in town with pearl jam. it was an incredible weekend. friday night, saturday night in his hotel room. he was singing and we were all laughing and it was the greatest weekend ever and then that was it. never saw him again. i went to a couple of shows. i had been to a couple of shows with my husband since then. and then he was playing that acoustic show, a solo acoustic

performan performance. can't wait. and about three days before the event, i'm making dinner and i check my e-mail. and there was an e-mail from eddie vedder. and he said jeanne, you know, it's been a long time. i've never forgotten what you did in that hotel room. >> and tell everyone what it is -- well. >> i forgot. so i had no idea what he was talking about. i am reading and like oh my god, what did i do? and he didn't forget. he said we have this benefit coming up and i saw where you were going to be there and if you can do what we did in that hotel room, i think it would be a great night. and he wanted me to do a version of the rolling stones "shatte d

"shattered" as julie andrews. >> as julie andrews. >> so we clearly had alcohol. i don't remember doing it. it was more mary poppins. >> it was one of the oddest and funniest things i had ever seen. you did a lot of the song as -- i thought it was mary poppins. >> it was more mary poppins. but i don't remember doing it. when you're in a hotel room with eddie vedder, you remember what he's doing. >> but you did it on stage and it was great. it was as if you do this at parties togy ies together all t >> it's in my wheel house of party tricks. >> oh, you have party tricks? >> yeah, when you're with a group of friends. >> you have certain go-to areas? >> yeah, i don't do mary poppins a lot. >> do you do imitations in

general? >> i'm an actor, yeah. >> who do you do? >> everybody. >> you do everybody? do gear yuillermo. do everybody in the audience. we will start on the left and work our way through. do you enjoy the holidays? >> i love the holidays and living in los angeles, i do break up the holidays with, you know, the holidays are a nice break in the weather pattern. >> it indicates a change. >> change is a coming. arbor day. but yeah, christmas came upon us a little early this year. i feel like hanukah and thanks giving and now i'm behind. and you're finished with your christmas shopping? >> i bought around 400 gifts and i did them all. but i bought everyone the same thing. >> i like that. i do like that.

>> i actually didn't. i bought a wide variety but i kind of -- i don't love christmas. part of it is -- i like christmas eve itself and christmas. it goes on for a really long time. >> how soon do you start? >> when does christmas start? >> you take that last bite of pumpkin pie, push away from the table, we wish you a merry christmas. we're off. >> i think i'm with your husband. >> he would be happy with a week before. >> that seems reasonable to me. i don't want to start listening to christmas music in november. >> i agree. some radio stations started early. i kind of dipped in. but it felt wrong. when we were driving home from thanksgiving i forgot my play list. in my i pod i have play lists

for every occasion. >> really? >> imaginable. but on christmas i have approximately ten play lists. >> he must be thrilled with that, then, your husband? >> yeah. yeah. >> did you compromise? >> i kind of start slow. i wanted to get my tree that weekend of thanksgiving. >> usual december, game on. now i try to introduce it slowly. i play a little christmas music here and there. i will throw a garland around and get it a little warmed up. >> if it was up to you, jesus would be a premie. >> yes. yes. >> merry christmas to you. does it end? when does christmas end for you? >> the 26th. we're out. >> i like that, too.

>> i like to start the new year light. >> you take the lights down, tree's down? >> yeah. it's like it never happened. unbelievable. wednesday night, 9:00 on cbs. right back with megadeth. >> i use papal to do al of my holiday shopping.

it's so much better than dealing with a bunch of crazy shoppers. paypal makes shopping so easy, i can shop on my own terms any time, anywhere. hey, hey! i'm trying to sleep. make your holiday shopping easier. download the paypal app today.

♪ i picked it out in a snap ♪ what made it genius ♪ was the camouflage wrap ♪ that's my kind of holiday

♪ thank you grandma for the dolls. ♪ ♪ i love it! ♪ i'm ninja kicking through the halls. ♪ ♪ i love it! ♪ mom's posting pictures on your wall. ♪ ♪ that's my kind of holiday. jimmy: i'd like to thank colin farrell, jeanne tripplehorn, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. nightline is next, but first, this is their album "super collider" here with song "kingmaker", megadeth.

♪ generation of the dark watch their lives decay persecuting their own kind there's nothing you can say don't ask anyone ♪ ♪ for help they won't know what to do if you try if you don't die you'll end up black and blue epidemic of addiction ♪ ♪ worshipping the pill drown them all with alcohol anything for thrills precious life goes up in smoke going nowhere fast ♪ ♪ the world is running rampant and you know that this can't last

i want everything that makes me feel all right ♪ ♪ that feels alive don't ask me why i want everything right before my eyes i can't deny i want to be the ♪ ♪ king kingmaker kingmaker searching for an answer but you see you're all alone mom and daddy's lights are on but ♪ ♪ nobody's home they glorify their tortured life they talk of days like this sentencing their ♪ ♪ children when they need to eat a fist narcotics

have enslaved them now it's coming after you pearls of wisdom hit ♪ ♪ the floor there's nothing you can do out of control you sell your soul so blind you couldn't see ten ♪ ♪ feet tall it made you crawl it's better you than me i want everything that makes me feel all right that feels alive ♪ ♪ don't ask me why i want everything right before my eyes i can't deny i want to be the king ♪

♪ kingmaker kingmaker i want everything that makes me feel all right that feels alive don't ask me why i want ♪ ♪ everything right before my eyes ni can't deny i want to be the king it makes me feel alive i want everything it ♪ ♪ makes me feel all right i want everything the things i can't deny i want everything ♪ i want to be the king [ applause ]