dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, tim robbins. espn's bill simmons & jalen rose. the clip of the year. and music from haim. with cleto and the cletones. and now, dashing through the snow, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ jimmy kimmel live [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

[ indiscernible ] >> jimmy: happy holidays. only six days until christmas. i am wrapping a lot of gift right now. i am not good, i am terrible at wrapping gifts. i discovered something great last night. you don't need to wrap the gifts. get a can of silly string. go to town. it is better than wrapping. it coats the gift. what a magical time this is. on christmas eve, santa flies all around the world giving expensive presents to the rich kids. crappie cheap stuff to the poor. he is a real jerk that guy. i saw some kids getting their pictures taken with santa over the weekend. a tradition that roughly 2% of children enjoy. 98% scream bloody murder. i don't know who started this. it doesn't make a lot of sense. the man that terrified you at the mall the one we handed you over to, in the middle of the night he is going to come down our chimney. we did this last year, a lot of fun. thought we would make it a tradition. i will show you a photograph of

a screaming child's face. you will guess if they're getting their peck schicture tah santa or flu shot. time to play "santa's lap or flu shot?" little boy. all right, on santa's lap or a flu shot? >> santa! >> jimmy: let's find out. he is on santa's lap. that's right. the mother is about to eat him. next up -- this little person. santa's lap or flu shot. most people say flu shot. and it is -- you are good at this. yeah, that's right. all right. an action photo. santa's lap or flu shot? santa's -- let's see. that is right. santa's lap. wow. next.

santa's lap. left's find out. santa's lap. and -- sorry. you don't win anything by the way. it's just -- it's just the pride of getting it right. who else do we have? all right. this little kid. it is flu shot. ha-ha-ha. next. santa's lap or flu shot? santa. all right. well, let's see. no. unless that is santa. no, no, no. we have two more. this one is -- santa's lap? you are just playing the odds now. that is. our keyboard player jeff avenue savenue

-- jeff avenue son. one more, santa's lap, or flu shot? which one is senate -- which one is that? flu shot. most people see flu shot. and it is, oh, that's not. all right. there we go. you know -- not a terrible idea. kill two birds with one stone. and let santa give flu shots to the kids. they're already crying. thank you to all of the parents who sent us pictures. we appreciate that. what's that? yeah. tim robbins. there is a situation down in tim robbins dressing room. do we have a camera? let's see what is going on down there. >> help. help. >> oh, tim. >> jimmy: this is nothing to cheer for. what happened? >> my tongue is stuck to this frozen poll? >> jimmy: your tongue is stuck

to a frozen pole. why did you put your tongue on the frozen pole. >> why did you put a frozen pole in the dressing room. >> so i can get it pumped into my dressing room. [ bleep ] [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: did you bths other tod the sign? the one right there. >> i didn't see it, the pole was in the way. >> do you go around randomly sticking your tongues to things? what did you say? >> guillermo double dared me. >> jimmy: say that again. i don't think i understood you. >> guillermo double dog dared me new do it. >> jimmy: guillermo, did you double dog dare him to put his tongue on the frozen pole? >> guillermo: yes, i did. >> jimmy: i am really sorry about that. good, the firemen are there. no, [ bleep ], [ bleep ], no!

>> jimmy: tim what's wrong with you. the second biggest lotto, 8, 14, 17, 20, 39, and 7, the winning numbers. seems so obvious in retrospect. there were two winning tickets. one from san jose, the other from stone mountain, georgia. after taxes each winner will receive $120 million. hardly even worth it, really. the winner from georgia bought her ticket at the gateway newsstand in buckhead, atlanta. martin savage went to the newsstand this morning to interview the owner of the store. in cam cal tlifornia the owner store, gets $1 million. in georgia nay get nothing. used to get $25. they don't get that any more. unfortunately, mr. savage was

unaware of the fact. >> you know by selling the winning ticket there is also prize money for you. >> i know, i don't know how much, long time, $25,000. >> it's a lot more than $25 t. >> really? >> it is about $1 million. that you get. >> oh, really. oh, my gosh. oh, my god. i never handle that much money. >> jimmy: and you still don't, unfortunately. that is -- cnn should have to pay her the $1 million, right. she should at least get an anderson cooper tote bag. some reparations. here is more outstanding newsmanship. being a reporter, it is not an easy job. you have how to come up with stories when there aren't any. but carrie drew from the local fox channel in new york yesterday went above and beyond call of duty, filing this hard hitting report that makes its way into tonight's edition of "how is this news?"

>> the when it comes to coffee, starbuck's usually gets it right when it comes to spelling your name correctly on your cup, not so much. i'm carrie drew in the east village. i will have the story coming up. >> jimmy: well i will stick around for that. finally -- someone has the balls to tear the lid off cups. i guess. i don't know. quite an expoe sase. there is no i, my name is brian with a y. having trouble with a gift idea for a loved one. believe we can help. the best products, your friend and namely will love most. unquestionably are the products you see advertised on tv. the products sold on television in the middle of night some of the practical elegant gifts you can buy a person. best part you don't have to go to the store. order them picking of the phone. for your convenience we went through all of them. all of the tv infomercial products for 2013. we collected the best of the best. compiled them into this our

annual as seen on tv gift guide. >> tired of coming home to a mess every single day. introducing the bull's eye pee pads. designed so your dog only pees in the center. >> wheres your umbrella during rain and snow. introducing the amazing umbrella. >> a towel between the toes or waiting for the feet to dry to put shoes on is a hassle. and time consuming with the tippy toes towels, simply place your toes in the towel. slide it from end to end while drying the rest of your foot. >> slipping on the ostrich pillow envelops your head in a cocoon of comfort. find a place to sleep. and nap away. >> making eggs makes a mess. what you need is the rollie egg master. the fast, easy, pan-freeway to make perfect eggs every time. >> introducing bacon bowl. the easy we to make delicious edible bowls out of bacon.

>> you love deserts. recipes can be complicated and take so long to make. hi, kathy mitchell here with the new dump cakes cookbook. >> when you got to go, you got to go. go pilot. the portable, like proof, urinal for everyone in the family. >> online password. there are too many. who can remember? introducing password minder. the personal logbook takes hassle out of password. password has been designed to organize and safely store password. >> i don't have to worry anymore about security or identity theft t i have all my password in one place. it's all great. >> jimmy: all right. that last one was -- almost like an address book. you know? but for pass words. we're going to take a break. when we scum baccome back we'lle the finalist and winner for our 2013 clip of the year. the best clip of the whole year,

saying a lot. a lot of great clips, plus, robbins, bill simmons and jalen rose are here.

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♪ i picked it out in a snap ♪ what made it genius ♪ was the camouflage wrap ♪ that's my kind of holiday ...are the hands that do good things for the whole community: the environment, seniors, kids, and animals. that's why we created the share the love event. by the end of this year, the total donated by subaru could reach 35 million dollars. you get a great deal on a new subaru. we'll donate 250 dollars to a choice of charities

that benefit your community. it feels good to be a helping hand. ♪ thank you grandma for the dolls. ♪ ♪ i love it! ♪ i'm ninja kicking through the halls. ♪ ♪ i love it! ♪ mom's posting pictures on your wall. ♪ ♪ that's my kind of holiday. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, welcome back. the show started. i was thinking about things. tim robbins, bill simmons, jalen rose, and music from haim will grace your television screen shortly. here is this show. i don't know if you know this. we have a whole team of people who are in a room searching for the greatest clips from tv and the world wide web. so that way we bring them to you. their names are tom, jake, joe, jesse, greg. they watch tv all day and night for us. they're miserable unhealthy people.

they really are. at the end of each year, we go through all the great clips. we pick the best of the best. then we select one of them. one that rises above them all. with that said it is time to present the award for clip of the year. 2013. [ cheers and applause ] the nominees are -- ford out of focus. >> people are against it. excuse me, guys. hey! >> welcome, a.j. >> your news leader in high definition. >> gay [ bleep ]. >> good evening. you may have seen our newest, a.j. -- seek north dakota news and he'll be joining the weekend news team as my co-anchor.

tell us a little about yourself, a.j. >> thank you. i'm very excited. i graduated from west virginia university and i'm used to, you know, being from the east coast. >> okay, well, welcome aboard, a.j. >> thanks. a fatal atv crash happened yesterday in williams county -- >> monkey in a snowsuit. >> flute news. >> a jackson county teacher takes from the wild and turns it into something wonderful. photo-journalist brad rice shows us how a forestry instructor

gets his students to make and play the flute -- actually -- >> scared boss -- ♪ ♪ doesn't really matter to me ♪ to me >> arggghhh! >> [ bleep ]! >> and rhubarb lady. >> [ bleep ] nobody owns this. >> why don't you? >> why don't you? where's your name, bitch? where's your name, where's your are your [ bleep ] name on this, bitch? >> where's yours? we're not stealing. >> you call them, bitch, you call them, sweetheart. [ bleep ].

>> [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> why don't you go back in there and lose some weight, you big fatass? >> jimmy: those are your nominees. the winner for clip of the year, 2013. is -- oh my goodness. scared boss! [ cheers and applause ] here to accept the award for scared boss. the scared boss himself, paul lewis. hello, paul. congratulations. >> thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> i felt that little monkey was cute. i want to take this opportunity to thank jimmy kimmel and his staff. you guys are awesome. my bosses at work. clark and hendrick at colonial wine shop. jake dell, j.t. -- >> arrgggh!

>> no way! no way! >> there's j.t., the guy who did the scaring. very nice. let's look at that again in slow motion. there he is. >> unbelievable. >> you guys are bad. >> oh my goodness, it's rhubarb lady. >> [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: we're going to go to commercial break. congratulations. well done, j.t., rhubarb later. tonight on the show from espn, and we'll be right back with tim robbins!

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, bill simmons and jalen rose. and then talented group of young women from here in los angeles, their album, "days are gone" haim from the sony outdoor stage. tomorrow night will ferrell will

be here, adam scott will join us, and a much-anticipated performance from music legend christopher cross and news legend ron burgundy. together for the first time. our first guest tonight is an oscar and golden globe-winning actor and founder of the la theater group the actors' gang, which to this day, has yet to lose a fight to either the bloods or crips; he is part of an incredible new mini-series called "the spoils of babylon." it premieres january 9th on ifc. please say hello to tim robbins. >> are you okay, all right? >> i'm okay. >> jimmy: i forget how tall you are. when i see you in person. i think this is a big man. >> yes, sir. >> jimmy: i didn't know your dad

was in the folk group the highway. >> yes, back in the early 60s. moved us all to greenwich village. >> jimmy: michael row your boat ashore. >> cotton fields. a hit. toured for six years. dad did, six, seven albums with them. >> jimmy: your dad was he the manager of the gas light in new york? >> co-manager of the gas light for a while. after, after the highwaymen finished we were living in the village. he kind of helped run the gas light cafe on mcdougal street. >> jimmy: most what i know, a bar essentially. >> they actually couldn't serve alcohol there. >> jimmy: a terrible bar. >> people snuck flasks in. >> jimmy: i know from cohen brothers, inside lou and davis, a lot of the movie is set in the gas light. off awe have you seen the movie yet? >> i haven't. i saw a picture of the set. a little taller.

gaslight was in the basement. the set they needed room for their cameras. i really can't wait to see it. such, i love those guys so much, cohen brothers. can't wait to see what they have done with my childhood. >> jimmy: how strange they would make a movie about your dad's place. that its a weird thing, i guess. >> yeah, really exciting, actually. >> jimmy: did you spend a lot of time there? >> i did. toed to hang out with my dad there, a lot. i used to answer the phones. take reservations. help out making signs and stuff. so. >> jimmy: did you, did you watch the acts, or were you there in the daytime? >> i saw great people. doc watson. sunny terry, livingston taylor. cat stevens, richard pryor when heap was starting out. >> jimmy: richard pryor was there. how old were you when richard pryor. >> 11 years old. >> jimmy: you must have learned a lot of things? >> well, actually dad skikd kic

out that night. i snuck in. listening. laughing my head off. my father saw me, said, uh-uh, not tonight. >> jimmy: that is a shame. were you a well-behaved kid in general? a good kid? >> i was raised a street boy catholic. >> jimmy: okay. >> i was, you know, a lot of, well, altar boy. >> jimmy: i was also. >> really? did you ever do anything illegal back in the sanctuary. >> jimmy: no, never. >> never sipped a little red wine? >> jimmy: no, no, no, never did that. did you? >> maybe a little. maybe a little. >> jimmy: i group in las vegas. and our wine came in a box. even then i knew it was beneath me. so, wait a minute. is this before it is consecrated. >> no, i would never drink consecrated wine, no, no.

in the refrigerator. >> jimmy: i see. all right. you and altar boys. >> just a little sip. >> were you friend leap wily wi priests at the church? not what i mean? >> yeah, exactly. i will tell you a story. there was one priest in particular, took the altar boys on a field trip to times square. >> jimmy: oh no. >> we went to seep a movie. it was "deliverance." >> jimmy: you did not. how old were you? >> 10, 11. >> jimmy: what? took you to see "deliverance." >> took us to see "deliverance" all i could think after the movie. he must have thought "deliverance" meant religion. other that or one of the guys that you hear about. >> a shotgun on the movie poster of deliverance. >> squeal like a pig. >> jimmy: that is something else. >> little scary. in retrospect.

at the time it was a little weird. >> jimmy: didn't mention anything about it at the end. don't tell your parents, we went to see this particular movie? >> he didn't say that. >> jimmy: wow, that was something else. do you remember his name? >> father denter. if you are out there. >> jimmy: father denter. >> what the hell were you thinking? >> jimmy: by the way, i watched your, watched your mini-series, spoils of babylon. really great. unbelievable. >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: we will talk about it in a minute. the cast you assembled for this is, incredible. i mean it's like, i mean, well we will tell you when we come back. tim robbins is here, the spoils of babylon, premieres. avo: the volkswagen "sign then drive sales event is back. which means it's never been easier to get a new passat, awarded j.d. power's most appealing midsize car, two years in a row.

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>> you kids eat your squirrel stew. work tomorrow. you need your strength. >> i'm tired of squirrels. onions and squirrels. it's all we ever eat. i want cake. >> eat your stew. there will be plenty of cake when the well comes in. a >> that well ain't never coming in. >> didn't you say that, girl. there is oil in the ground. i will get it. you know god put me here on this earth for of a reason. to extrapolate that oil. >> i'm not so sure you are using the word extrapolate properly. >> you see these hands?

this nation was built by hand like these. honest hand. mosty african, and chinese. >> that is tim robbins in the spoils of babylon. you play dad to the kids. the kids grow up to be kristen wigg and toby mcguire. >> they're brother and sister, not blood brother and sister. they're hopelessly in love with each other. >> jimmy: an uncomfortable relationship between the two. you brought a photograph. >> of the original selfie from 1987. it's also a photo bomb. it's me and the pope. pope is right there. >> jimmy: the pope mobile. a classic. you invented the selfie. unbelievable. >> yeah, i did. >> jimmy: you teach acting

right? at actor's gang. >> i do. yes. yes. >> jimmy: an event. don't know what we'll gain from this. something that is going on now through end of the year. >> of the queen family's very special holiday special. songs, dances, aerialists magicians, a lot of fun. holiday show. >> jimmy: i was wondering, you do teach people off to act. a great thing to do when you are a successful actor. to give back. if you could teach a little something to those of us who are not actors. because the at christmas time. one of the difficult thing thousands when you get a gift. you've don't like the gift. you want few pretend you do like the gift. what i look to do is give you a gift. then you teach us, how we can react realistically. >> oh, all right. >> jimmy: you understand? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i have a gift here. it's not a great gift. but here you go. and then you show me how you will diet. >> thank you. >> you are welcome. >> i'm sorry i didn't get you anything. >> don't worry. >> really sweet of you.

thank you very much. >> you're welcome. >> really awesome. really great. >> jimmy: a little something for you. i thought of you when i saw these. >> they're socks? >> jimmy: yeah. >> you got me [ bleep ] socks? really? >> jimmy: well. >> really? [ bleep ] socks. >> jimmy: i feel like you are missing the point of the exercise which is -- >> they're socks. [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: now, tim? tim. cut. cut. all right. that's not what we -- >> is that what? >> jimmy: not really. not at all.

if it's fine. tichl r tim robbins. you can sit down. tim robbins. thank you for the lesson. spoils of babylon. january 9th. on inc. right back with bill simmons and jalen rose. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ thank you grandma for the dolls. ♪

♪ i love it! ♪ i'm ninja kicking through the halls. ♪ ♪ i love it! ♪ mom's posting pictures on your wall. ♪ ♪ that's my kind of holiday. you've got to ask yourself, are you... ready to take life seriously? because serious it's not always easy but it comes with serious benefits. ♪ all hail to the drinking man. go back to sleep angus darling. ♪ i've got ♪he power cuz i live like i want, huh! ♪ ♪ ain't listening to you, i only listen to my heart, huh! ♪ ♪

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>> one of our next guests played in more than 900 nba games. another has watched more games from that. from nba countdown on espn and grantland. welcome bill simmons and jalen rose! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: for those who don't know. bill used to be a writer here on

the show. now you have your own media empire. >> before you were famous. >> jimmy: not really. but i knew you before you were famous. now you guys have become -- not just, i don't know if you know this, jalen. bill talks about you all the time. i think bill is in love with you. >> this is my good friend. modern day, nick nolte and eddie murphy. >> jimmy: i wonder if you realize how much bill loves you. i wonder if that feeling is mutual. >> that feeling is mutual. this gentleman has done a lot for me. we have become good friends. we give people what they want. where is jacoby. >> after your star ascended past me, i had to make due. >> jimmy: i think you paired up well. you guys have chemistry. how did you become a duo in the first place. >> i started stalking this gentleman, actually. i'm serious. he started grantland.com, a fan of his work. wanted to do a pod cast on grantland. went to a post espy's party.

made sure i watched him. he had a couple of glasses of wine. i approached and talked about my pod cast idea. he said call me monday. at 9:01, a.m., monday. i called him. >> jimmy: and the rest is history, i guess. >> you are going to say everything, right. the good thing about jalen. he says everything. >> jimmy: you guys hang around off the air, not working a lot. >> we are traveling, like a lot of times stuck in these cities. doing games, like, west, finals, memphis, san antonio, he leaks to eat. i like to eat. so we ended up hanging out. going to gus' fried chicken. all kind of places. >> jimmy: gus' in memphis. who pays when you go out to dinner? >> we split the check. >> tough to get a check from jalen. >> jimmy: interesting, go to down home places or fancy places as well. >> we go anywhere.

especially in the nba. we went to prime 112. we went. lobster tempura. four pound. >> jalen will order lobster from any menu. doesn't matter where it is. mcdonald's. he's getting the lobster. he tries to cover himself by saying make it well done. if it is well done. >> jimmy: you get the lobster well done. >> grilled well done. absolutely. the tail. you know they have a, mcdonald's in canada. serves lobster. got to get over there and check it out. >> jimmy: do they. you will go to canada for that? >> yes, indeed. >> jimmy: wow. do you carry a bib around when you go to these things? >> no, sir, i keep it clean. >> jimmy: on grantland, the website. bill animated some of your great stories. one of the stories, that, that i think, probably the big hit out of, out of your stories, is the story of what happened between you and patrick ewing. tell us that story? >> he is going to kill me. patrick ewing, hall of fame

basketball player for the knicks, i was on the pacers, in the 90s there was a rivalry. they fraphrased it, they didn't like us. we got into an altercation. they were traveling after the game. i was walking through the airport. of all things i see a tv/vcr says pat ririck ewing. i will call my childhood friend. we're going to put this tv in the trunk and going home with us. >> jimmy: a tv that he used to review game tapes. if he is not studying, maybe we are getting an edge. >> you took the tv? >> i took the tv. making millions of dollars. i stole the tv. took it to my house. had a speaker with the name on it. >> sticker patrick ewing. he kept on the tv. >> jimmy: is he aware, now that you told the story that you did this.

>> he is aware. and his coach at the time, jeff van gundy, assistant responsible for getting that to him. jeff and patrick are beth looth looking for me. >> do you have the item? >> no. do you have the vcr? >> mine wasn't historically stolen from patrick ewing, or believe me it would be right in there in my home. have you stolen anything from bill? >> have you stolen anything from me? >> jimmy: i love that you can fire jalen. when did this happen? bill, tell me, true or false. i heard a story from a mutual friend of ours, he was watching the red sox game with you. you can narrow it down. i don't know itch yf you know t story. watching game six of the red sox. your son, 6-year-old, ben comes home from soccer practice. walks in. you say, ben get out you are bad luck.

and ben leaves. >> he left. >> jimmy: that is true then? >> yeah. it's true. it's true. and bad luck during the playoffs. i did what we needed to do. >> people forget the term, fan is short for fanatic. bill simmons is a sports guy. >> dad is short for daddy. >> you remember when i worked here in the 2003 playoffs. i wore the same t-shirt 17 days. >> jimmy: that is different than scarring your child. when you were just getting into the nba just starting to make a lot of money or maybe you made some in college. >> oh! i was not implicated in any wrongdoing. just for the record. >> jimmy: what did you, what did you spend your money on? did you go crazy? buy anything fun? >> one of the dumbest purchases i made was a phone, in toronto,

canada. just shopping, having a great day. >> jimmy: they have lobster at mcdonald's there. >> i ate french. i was on an international flight. walking through the mall, struggling in the standings. i got a lot of money. i will buy the cell phone. now the cell phone is supposed to be the rolls royce of cell phones. it cost $15,000. >> jimmy: wow. >> what are you going to do with an international phone, ten plugs and you never truly travel. it was literally a dumb purchase. >> jimmy: that's the worst, huh? >> you still have it. bring it in. >> i still do have it. >> jimmy: that you hung on to. meanwhile, the vcr combination. double-header christmas day. working on christmas. >> quintuple header. we are on tv on and off for like 12 hours. get a little groggy. >> jimmy: will you call home to tell your son he is bad luck?

>> 100%. >> jimmy: bill simmons, jalen rose. watch on christmas day, here on abc. we'll be right back with musical guest haim!

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jimmy: i'd like to thank tim robbins, bill simmons, jalen rose and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. nightline is next, but first, this is their album "days are gone" here with song "forever" haim. ♪ hey hey you remember me remember love remember trying to stay together my time you took it all ♪

♪ and you tried to see you tried to bring yourself up without involving me it isn't fair to have your way ♪ ♪ to try and get up and go now can't you see it isn't fair to have your way i'm trying to get your attention ♪ ♪ and i need you to know that hey you hey you can't you make this sane i know i know i know you ain't the one to ♪ ♪ play the game now i know now i know i'm never gonna go your way if you go now i know i know no no no forever we tried to make it right ♪ ♪ but together we saw the end in sight i'm tired of fighting the good fight if you say the word then

i'll say goodbye forever ♪ ♪ i see you and me forever i'll try for you and i no i never believed in their insight just another good reason to get it right ♪ ♪ i don't want to turn around so come on baby come on and try to let it out let it go we're still the ♪ ♪ same so come on baby trigger the sound figure it out let's get back to where we started out hey you hey you can't you make this sane i know i know ♪ ♪ i know you ain't the one to play the game now i know now i know i'm never gonna go your way if you go now i know i know no no no forever we tried to make it right but ♪ ♪ together we saw the end in sight i'm tired of fighting the good fight

if you say the word then i'll say goodbye forever ♪ ♪ i see you and me forever i'll try for you and i no i never believed in their insight just another good reason to get it right go go go go get out ♪ ♪ get out of my memory no no no not tonight i don't have the energy go go go go get out get out of my memory no no no not tonight ♪ ♪ i don't have the energy forever we tried to make it right but together we saw the end in sight i'm tired of fighting the ♪ ♪ good fight if you say the word then i'll say goodbye forever i see you and me forever i'll try for you ♪ ♪ and i no i never believed in their insight just another good reason to get it right forever we

tried to make it right ♪ ♪ but together we saw the end in sight i'm tired of fighting the good fight if you say the word then ♪ ♪ i'll say goodbye forever i see you and me forever i'll try for you and i no i never believed in ♪ ♪ their insight just another good reason to get it right forever we tried ♪ >> thank you, guys! i love you, jimbo! ♪ ♪ you know i'm bad at