>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- zoe saldana. mike birbiglia. and music from toro y moi. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you for making me so -- did you give to charity today? i hope so.

it was giving tuesday, annual event that encouraging americans to donate to charity so we don't feel bad about black friday and cyber monday. we should do this the tuesday before black friday when people have money. they didn't. it's a good idea. a lot of people participate, including our former governor, in the state of governor, arnold say what you want about him. he's charitable. one time, he even gave his maid a baby. [ applause ] but this year he's holding a raffle to benefit after school all stars. this is an organization that provides free after school programs to kids who need it. go to the website and for $10 you can ride in arnold's personal tank driven by arnold himself.

he has a tank. of course he has a tank. i didn't know he had a tank. we looked it up, and sure enough, that's him in the tank. if you win the raffle, you and a friend will be flown to l.a. where you will drive around the streets in the tank crushing every small vehicle you see. by the way, that was his gardener's car. if you have been dreaming about riding in a tank with arnold you have weird dreams. >> and president obama spoke today in defense of the affordable health care act. he said it's a disaster and he's sorry he tried. interesting fact, did, you know, the speeches he's made about affordable health care is greater than the number of people who have signed up for it? the president said despite the initial problems, it's working better now and going do continue to improve. a million people visited on

monday. mostly to see if they were covered from injuries suffered at walmart on black friday. only about 50,000 people can use the site at a time. that caused problems. why only 50,000 people can use a government website without trashing it, but 4 million people can watch a kitten try to get its head out of a bag, no problem. some people got through the process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the navy. they ship out next week. elsewhere -- according to washington post, this congress, our 113th congress is on its way to becoming the least productive congress in modern history. or if you're a glass half full kind of person like i am, the number one most unproductive congress in modern history. congress passed 55 laws so far

this year. the previous low was 88 back in 1995. maybe we just have all the laws we need. maybe we don't need anymore, speeding, jay walking. is crack illegal? it's easy to criticize congress, but they happen to be divided almost evenly among party lines and creates gridlock. it's not like they didn't do anything this year. even if the only thing they did all year was this, i think it's a pretty productive year. >> in september, congress approved a grant for the minuteman missile historic site in south dakota to include additional parking spaces. the 113th united states congress. bad at creating jobs. good at creating parking spaces at stranger historical monuments in the middle of nowhere. >> jimmy: well, maybe we should move to canada. canada is -- canada seems like

it's a lot of fun. this is from the western hockey league game on sunday. the calgary hitmen hosted the tigers at the scotia bank dome, sounds like nonsense. it was the 19th annual teddy bear toss. they ask fans to throw fans to throw bears on to the ice after they score a goal and they collect the soggy bears. it's a nice idea and nice to see. >> and he scores! he did it again. back-to-back years. mr. teddy bear pavel. 1-0, calgary. and he's making snow angels in all the bears. >> and the bears are flowing. >> that may be the best

celebration i have ever seen in all my years of calling teddy bear tosses in the western hockey league. >> jimmy: well, that's a lot of years of calling them. they needed 11 zambonis to clean it up. i like to see a game where they throw real bears on the ice. in other canada news, i want to give you an update. this is one of my favorite of the year, the windsor sculpture garden got a good deal of international attention in october when someone trimmed a bush into this ship. some thought it looked like a penis. i think it looks like a turtle, but i'm clean of mind and body. so the city trimmed the bush immediately because they were embarrassed, and this, made it look more like a penis in a way. he was upset the city destroyed his work, so he struck again with this. and they immediately trimmed that one too. he waited, he bided his time, and suddenly the penis bush bandit struck again. >> there was lettering at the famous penis bush site, and

somebody made it at at site, we were made aware. the letters were done very, very good. and, you know, why people want to do that and don't use their energies on beautifying the city in other ways, i can't explain it. >> it's not meant to be explained, meant to be enjoyed. there are now three cops dressed as shrubs waiting to be circumcised again. oh, thank you. i read something about the pope today. pope francis was talking to parishioners, about jobs he had before he was pope. he swept floors, he worked in a chemistry lab, and best of all, he was a bouncer at a nightclub in buenos aires. that is some career path --

he went from deciding who gets into a nightclub to deciding who gets into heaven. i can't imagine the pope saying you can't go in, total sausage party in there. go get ladies and come back. i'd like to wish you a happy seventh night of hanukkah. to our jewish viewers. one more gift for the kid and you are done. i haven't put my tree up yet. i buy a lot of gifts for christmas. it occurred to me that kid's gifts today are so much better than anything we had when we were kids, the play stations and the ipads, the ieverything. we have lincoln logs. these were logs, they come in a -- like a cylinder about the size of cigars, little indentations cut out, and you can stack them in the shape of a cabin or fence. it was exactly as much fun as it sounds. even when i was 5 i knew lincoln logs sucked. and guy frees the slaves, we name the world's crappiest toy

after him. people are looking for recipes or anything else, and no one is full of more advice than my aunt chippy. my aunt chippy has a lot to share. we asked her to answer questions from our viewers in the special holiday edition of dear aunt chippy. >> dear aunt chippy, i love all the food around the holidays. me too. but maybe a bit too much. what can i do to avoid looking like a fat [ bleep ] by the time christmas is over. martha. martha, what you need is soap in your mouth you little jerk. how do you mention food, christmas and fat [ bleep ] all in the same instance. i don't understand this [ bleep ]. how you can desecrate the

holidays with your filthy [ bleep ] mouth. i don't give a [ bleep ] if you never eat, and i don't give a [ bleep ] if you ever have another christmas. but watch your [ bleep ] language. if you have a question for me, please e-mail me at dear aunt chippy at gmail.com. >> jimmy: hard to hear the irony. we'll take a break. we have something special planned when we come back. there was an epic dance off at a detroit pistons game a couple weeks ago. that's all i want to say about it. just trust me, we have that, zoe saldana, and mike birbiglia and music from toro y moi. so please come back! ♪

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so i got the windows nokia tablet. it's, well, impressive. it's got the brightest hd screen, super-fast 4g lte, so my son can play games and movies almost anywhere, and it's got office for school stuff. but the best part? i got the lumia 928 for my daughter for free, with the best low-light smartphone camera this side of the north pole. dad for the win. mm! mm! mm! ♪ honestly, i want to see you be brave ♪

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♪ i picked it out in a snap ♪ what made it genius ♪ was the camouflage wrap ♪ that's my kind of holiday ...are the hands that do good things for the whole community: the environment, seniors, kids, and animals. that's why we created the share the love event. by the end of this year, the total donated by subaru could reach 35 million dollars. you get a great deal on a new subaru. we'll donate 250 dollars to a choice of charities that benefit your community. it feels good to be a helping hand. ♪ last minute deals on toys and gifts. ♪ ♪ that's my holiday, ♪ that's my kind of holiday. ♪ wrap it up, pop, lock and shop, ♪

♪ buyin' presents that i forgot. ♪ ♪ that's my holiday. >> jimmy: welcome back. zoe saldana and mike birbiglia and toro y moi are coming up. but first, this is good. last month, the detroit pistons hosted the knicks at the palace of auburn hills. pistons won, but people remember this. ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ everybody move move ♪ now everybody ♪ move ♪ that's good. i love that. why don't we have people in our audience dancing like that? you should be ashamed of yourself. and guillermo, and the security guard's dance for people's entertainment. >> i don't dance. >> jimmy: we need a security guard who can dance on this show. like that guy right there.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ to takes two to make a thing go right ♪ ♪ it takes two to make it out of sight ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm at the microphone ♪ baby ♪ go now and see what i do ♪ it takes two to make a thing go right ♪

♪ it takes two to make it out of sight ♪ ♪ it takes two to make a thing go right ♪ ♪ it takes two to make it out of sight ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very nicely done. these guys flew in from detroit to be here with us tonight. the dancing usher is shannon. what's your last name? >> sails. >> jimmy: and our fan is antoine alexander. that was great dancing you guys did. >> thank you. >> jimmy: how old are you? >> 11.

>> jimmy: 11 years old. and you, shannon? >> 46 years young. >> jimmy: do you always dance when you're working as an usher? >> yes. >> jimmy: the rivalry continues here. are you known for that? you're the dancing usher? >> i'm the dancing usher. i'm an usher first. and i like to dance. >> jimmy: i think of you as a dancer first. >> jimmy: do you think of yourself as a child first or a dancer. >> it's a mix. it's a mix between dancer. >> jimmy: what grade are you in? >> sixth grade. >> jimmy: have the kids at school seen the video? and seen what happened? >> yes. >> jimmy: do they like it? >> yeah, i went to school last wednesday and it was crazy. >> really? you haven't been to school since wednesday? it's a good thing you're a good dancer. now did you feel that a challenge had been issued by shannon when he started dancing? >> yes. >> jimmy: you did and responded. have you ever met before today?

>> no. >> we have not met before. >> jimmy: do you feel like -- is there still a rivalry between you. >> oh, no. >> no. >> he think he won. >> i did win. >> jimmy: well, i think you're both winners here. or at least we are. the only loser is guillermo. thank you for coming out. you should take this act on the road and challenge each other at arenas all over the united states. i'll manage you. we'll think about it, all right? antoine and shannon, right? give us a little more. we have a good show, mike birbiglia is here and music from toro y moi. right back with zoe saldana. ♪

♪ (beeping) ♪

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exceptionally funny man with a funny new comedy special, my girlfriend's boyfriend, mike birbiglia is here tonight. and the music from this album, it's called anything in return, making their network television debut, toro y moi. that's spanish and french combined, right? >> right, jimmy. >> jimmy: tomorrow night benedict cumberbatch and r. kelly will be here together at last. and on thursday jason schwartzman, from "scandal" guillermo diaz, and music from jake owen. you know our first guest from "avatar", "star trek: into darkness", "pirates of the caribbean" and other independent films. her latest finds her alongside christian bale, casey affleck, and woody harrelson "out of the furnace", opens in theaters friday, please welcome zoe saldana. ♪

you look fantastic i love that dress. >> thank you, thank you. it's so funny. i -- i'm not a pink lady. >> jimmy: me neither. >> but pink is a good color for the guys. >> jimmy: i like it. it's -- it's inviting. >> okay. all right. i'll wear pink more often. >> jimmy: congratulations. you got married since the last time i saw you. >> thank you. and congratulations to you too. you got married. >> jimmy: thank you, it's not a competition. we don't need to go around and get married -- >> where did you get married? >> jimmy: about an hour away from here in the desert. and you? you don't know. wow. must have been fun. >> in england. can you top that? >> jimmy: no. >> so it is a competition. >> yeah, well, yes, it's a competition and i've lost.

>> no, it's really nice and bohemian and you eat or organically. >> jimmy: kind of look your upbringing, your mom was a hippy right? >> she was a convenient bohemian. it meant, she has all three of us girls were feminine and reach the age where you want to buy beauty products, she bought a book off a garage sale, it was a 60s book about how to make home recipes and dying your hair with rum. to oatmeal and egg facials, things like that. >> jimmy: go back to that, you dye your hair with rum -- put rum in your hair? >> yes, in the tips to make it super wild. soak the ends with rum and go play volleyball in the sun. and in the dominican republic it's so hot. and i remember one time my neighbor came by to check up on us because my mom was working

and called up my mom, listen to me. i went to check up on the girls and zoe smelled like alcohol. so my mom is calling me, indiana called, and she said you smelled like alcohol. so were you drinking it or putting it on? i'm like i was soaking my ends. she was like, bye, bye, bye. >> jimmy: you'd walk around smelling like a drink all the time. >> pretty much. >> jimmy: does it do anything to your hair? >> it did. it did. i looked like -- yeah, it would bleach it. really auburny and sometimes really light. >> jimmy: what is christmas like in the dominican republic? the same as here? >> if you ask a dominican born and raised there, yeah, it's totally similar. it's so not. i was raised in new york, raised with santa claus and the reindeers and not the three wizards or the three wisemen and

the three magicians who come in the with the camels. you don't open presents on the 25th. you have to wait until the 7th of january. >> jimmy: really? the 7th of january? >> but you get to open more presents. >> jimmy: why? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: a sale after christmas? >> no. because -- i don't know if it's according to when baby jesus was born. some believe he was born in december and others in january. but in reality, he was born in march. >> jimmy: how do you know this? >> because we didn't have the same calendar. look at me as if i'm like from the past. whatever. they didn't have the same calendar. their year was shorter. so that meant they based their year on the lunar -- the moon positions. and they, you know, it says that jesus was born on this moon position and that was in march or april or something. >> jimmy: oh, who told you this? >> my mom. >> jimmy: your mom.

was she tugging on her hair when she mentioned this? >> yes. >> jimmy: i guess we have no idea when jesus was born. it would make sense if he was born in a warmer month because of the sandals and everything like that. >> but you know something -- first of all did it ever make sense to you that baby jesus was visited by this big german dude called papa klaus. >> jimmy: hole on -- hold on, i never heard that. >> jimmy: who's bubba klaus. >> santa clause. >> jimmy: jesus wasn't visited by santa clause. >> he's called other things. >> jimmy: we don't know. we are here. we don't know. he's st. nicholas, i know in some places, and kris kringle in other places. but i don't think he visited jesus. >> he was not in the desert. he would have died of heat

exhaustion. he would have been overheated. dehydrated. >> jimmy: he has the reindeer. >> look at big red suit, he would have never lasted in the sahara. >> jimmy: in bethlehem, that's a bad spot for him. >> the yard of beard he would have. he never would have lasted. >> jimmy: you're saying that it doesn't make sense. >> i'm not saying that. >> jimmy: the part that doesn't make sense to you is the visiting jesus thing, because apparently he was too busy making toys or whatever. to me, it's how he's able to deliver, however, many million gifts. >> that always got me. >> jimmy: you thought about that stuff as a kid. >> it tormented me. >> jimmy: i didn't think about anything. i saw -- fonzie jumping over a shark on a jet ski. that's what tough guys do. in the 50s. >> it worried me. it really worried me. all of us at the same time, would it really matter if i'm naughty? he might not even get to me. and, you know, he was that thing

about coming early from school and catching your mom with tape in her mouth taping your present. you're like wait a minute, that was santa. >> jimmy: you're cynical. >> you're going to understand this soon. it's confusing to me too. i'm going to bring my mom. >> jimmy: yeah, bring her here. next time you come, bring her. >> she gets upset. every time she watches the show, she says we don't talk like that. grandma and i don't talk like that, you make it seem we're stupid. it's so not true. my mom is such a rock. >> jimmy: bring your grandmother. >> she would never leave. she would be standing there. >> jimmy: can she do security? >> she can sing. maybe guillermo can have a little partner over there. i want to say that this movie out of the furnace is excellent. i saw it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's not light. >> no. it's not. >> jimmy: this dress is no indication of the film.

>> i know. i know. but it's very good. >> which is why i wore it. the movie is no reflection of what i'm wearing. it's a feel-good movie, though. >> jimmy: no, yeah, not really. not unless you're a real lunatic. >> i'm not even going to say that. because i worked with amazing actors and amazing director, but it was the kind of movie, i would walk into the hair and makeup trailer and i would be like hey. nobody was talking. everybody was like in character. i'm just like oh, my god, this is so awesome. >> jimmy: it isn't what you call a fun movie. >> no, i didn't have anybody to talk to. i'd be signaling to the -- the dp mass, anybody, costumes. nope, everybody was in character. >> jimmy: you got to bring your relatives just so you have someone to talk to. >> my grandmother, so true. she would have been great in the

movie. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. please give your family my best. zoe saldana, out of the furnace opens friday. ♪ the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. james, you're my rock, can you keep it together? ♪ sally, look at me. i need you to step it up, okay? we don't want the petting zoo all over again. i can't make any promises. ♪ wow. i never doubted you guys for a second. [ male announcer ] at&t makes you the hero this holiday season with iphone5s for zero down with at&t next. ♪ ♪ i picked it out in a snap ♪ what made it genius ♪ was the camouflage wrap ♪ that's my kind of holiday

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about trying or adding a biologic. this is humira, adalimumab. this is humira working to help relieve my pain. this is humira helping me through the twists and turns. this is humira helping to protect my joints from further damage. doctors have been prescribing humira for over ten years. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. for many adults, humira is proven to help relieve pain and stop further joint damage. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal events, such as infections, lymphoma, or other types of cancer, have happened. blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure have occurred. before starting humira , your doctor should test you for tb. ask your doctor if you live in or have been to a region where certain fungal infections are common. tell your doctor if you have had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have symptoms such as fever,

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with our radioshack price match guarantee. get great deals on the best brands at radioshack. ♪ i've got ♪he power cuz i live like i want, huh! ♪ ♪ ain't listening to you, i only listen to my heart, huh! ♪ ♪ ♪ try try try try try to lift up the weight ♪ ♪the world is wild at heart ♪ give it to me now

♪ >> jimmy: our next guest is a comedian, actor, filmmaker, writer and all-around talented guy. his newest comedy special "my girlfriend's boyfriend" -- let that title sink -- in is available now on itunes, netflix and dvd please say hello to mike birbiglia. ♪ >> thank you. >> jimmy: look at that, you come bearing gifts. how long has it been since you were here? >> i got you a gift for your wedding. >> jimmy: that's nice. >> congratulations, jimmy got married. i don't know if you guys follow these things.

>> jimmy: i married zoe saldana. i don't know if you heard. she doesn't know, but it happened. >> last time i saw you, you were not married, you came out to dinner, came to the show. >> jimmy: it was great, really great. >> and this summer, i wanted to tell you straight, our cat, ivan passed away, it was sad. he was 17 years old. we asked our yoga instructor where to go because we wanted a cleansing experience. she said you should go to ohi valley in california. it's a religious experience and beautiful play. we called the valley inn and they were booked for the whole weekend. i said every room is booked. and they said, yeah, this one guy booked a hotel for the whole weekend. i was like what [ bleep ]. who would book a whole hotel for

a hole weekend in this place. so we go to the hotel, sunday after the weekend was over and we're in a yoga class, and no one's in it. no one -- just me and my wife and the instructor. no one's at the hotel. after class, i said where is everybody, i heard this place is so popular and no one's here. and he said, well, you know. and i said no. i don't. and he goes, you know. and he points to my wife wearing a jimmy kimmel live t-shirt. and we go, no. we don't know. and he goes you're here for the jimmy kimmel wedding, right? and that's when we realized that we weren't invited to your wedding. and the -- above and beyond that, like, if we were invited, can you imagine if we were wearing the jimmy kimmel live

t-shirts at the jimmy kimmel wedding. and they're with the groom. and the bridal party has the molly t-shirts. >> jimmy: i'm so sorry. i knew you were upset about the cat, i would leave you alone. >> we got you a gift, we got you some yoga mats. >> jimmy: these will come in handy, thank you. that was really nice. >> and then we got you some t-shirts. >> jimmy: all right. those are both the same. look at this. how nice. i see. thank you. anything on the yoga mats? or those are blank. that's very, very -- >> if we're having a party, you can spy on it nearby and wear those t-shirts. >> jimmy: that sounds perfect. that'll be lovely. i'm sorry, do you do yoga? >> why would you question that? you don't think that i look like i do yoga.

>> jimmy: you don't look like a yoga guy. >> are you questioning that i do yoga? >> jimmy: okay you do. how often? >> a few times a week. my wife convinced me to do it last year. it's not for male humans. >> jimmy: no. >> i don't know -- it's not designed for male humans. i think it's designed for spiders. and cats. and maybe female humans. but not male humans. and then they -- and you know this because you're in class and they give you female-specific instructions. the other day i was in class and the woman said, you're going to want to reach your hand back to your bra strap and lift up your leg, but not if you're on your period. i'm not sure that applies to me at all. i'm only a -- >> jimmy: most of it, anyway. >> i only had my period once,

and i'm not sure that's what that was. >> jimmy: and you do this together as a couples thing? >> we do. it's a point of contention. because my wife is a late person. i don't know if you have this with your wife -- >> jimmy: mine's not bad, but i like to be on time. >> i think there's a delineation between late people and on time people, what they don't realize is that we hate them. >> jimmy: it's true. they make us feel like jerks. >> yeah. the reason -- the reason that we hate them is that it's -- it's so easy to be on time. you just have to be early. and early lasts for hours. and on time just lasts a second. >> jimmy: you're right. >> then you're late. i always try to teach my late friends with using sounds. i'll be like early, early, early, on time, late! >> jimmy: does that work? >> it's a --

>> jimmy: i find that wives love it when you try to teach them things. they can't get enough of it. yeah. >> there's a lot of push and pull. the other day i was going to yoga class, and my wife said wait for me. and i'm not ready yet. and i said no, i'm not going to do that because you're a late person and i'm an on time person, and i don't want that entering into our marriage because it's going pretty well so far. and she said fine. passive aggressive for late people. and she said but save a mat next to your mat in class for me. and i said cloe -- her name's jen. and i said i'm not going to do that because -- because i don't -- i have more allegiance to my fellow on time people than i do to my own wife. and i get to class, and i feel

bad, right? and so i put down a mat and then i put down a mat next to my mat for my wife. and all these people are coming into class, and this woman is like do you mind if i put it right here? i'm so polite i don't even finish sentences. and this woman says do you mind and i was like -- class fills up, 100% full except for the empty mat next to my mat because my wife never showed up to class that day. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> class ends, empty mat, all the people can assume is that my wife is dead. or that i have invented this fictional concept of having a wife so i can have a double-wide super mat. it's possible. that's just my side of the story.

if my wife were here, yeah, but you're not telling them -- excuse me, ma'am, that's a show going on. i've done it before, i'll do it again. >> jimmy: i want to tell you, we saw you do this live, it's absolutely terrific. it's really, really funny. it's called by girlfriend's boyfriend. i promise you, it's great. and if people -- if people purchase this, they get a christmas card from you? >> we made a my girlfriend's boyfriend's christmas card. we did this. it's happy holidays from mike birbiglia and his girlfriend and her boyfriend. we'll send that to you free if you purchase tickets to my tour that starts? 2013. >> jimmy: in january in east lansing, michigan. mike birbiglia, everybody.

we'll be right back with toro y moi. ♪ the jimmy kimmel live concert series brought to you by sony.

>> jimmy: i'd like to thank zoe saldana, mike birbiglia, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first this is their album "anything in return" here with the song "say that" toro y moi. ♪ ♪ tell me you won't ever give

up ♪ ♪ she owns my love but i've got her now ♪ ♪ she's alright i'm all right ♪ we're all right we can't go back ♪ ♪ say that you'll always remind me ♪ ♪ cause i can't decide if you are my love ♪ ♪ i know i can't always be home but ♪ ♪ i never left don't think like that ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ tell me you won't ever give up ♪ ♪ she owns my love but i've got her now ♪

♪ she's alright i'm all right ♪ we're all right ♪ we can't go back ♪ say that you'll always remind me cause i can't decide if you are my love ♪ ♪ i know i can't always be home but i never left don't think like that ♪ ♪ ♪ she's all right ♪ i'm all right ♪ we're all right ♪ we can't go back ♪ she's all right ♪ i'm all right ♪ we're all right

♪ we can't go back ♪ say that you'll always remind me cause i can't decide if you are my love ♪ ♪ i know i can always be home but i never left don't think like that ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ she's all right ♪ i'm all right ♪ we're all right