"jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- sofia vergara from "shameless," emmy rossum and music from yuna. with cleto and the cletones. and now, hang on, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for being here from far and wide to be here tonight.

i hope it's getting warmer wherever you live. the freezing weather is starting to ease up. everyone constantly reminding each other to stay pardon me finally paid off. in new york, temperatures went from the teens to the 20s today. so breakout the tube top and flip flops, i guess. things are improving. they say if your tongue is froze ton a pole right now, don't worry, you should be free by sunday. this is interesting. the cold spell, when all is said and done could cost the economy $5 billion because people weren't able to go to work or to stores. they were forced to stay home and make videos of themselves throwing pots of boiling water in their backyard. notice how everybody does that? and yet no one is brave enough to stand there and take that boiling water that allegedly will turn to snow before it hits. people are starting to get stir crazy. becky's mother lives in oxford, maine. every 20 minutes her mother,

whose name is peggy, would text her to tell her how cold it was in the house. all day, which was annoying. sobeck i can came up with a plan to keep her busy. she told her mother that the weather updates that she's doing would be perfect for a bit we're doing on the show called the ther-mom-eter. she said everyone would do this on the staff with their mothers. get a piece of string. she did. she said make a thermometer necklace. she did that and she put it on. and becky asked her mother to walk around the house and report how cold it is in each room of the house and send us video of that. and here's how that turned out. >> it's 52 freezing degrees by these teapot.

ther-mom-ometer signing out. >> i've seen a lot of things in my life. i think that's the first indoor weather report i've seen. let's see what's going on in in another area of her home. >> we're at home. heat wave. no more 35-mile-an-hour wind chill factor. now it's 15-mile-an-hour wind chill factor and it's still cold in here. >> there's a wind chill in the house. like mom versus wild. she did like ten of these. you want to see one more? >> thermomometer again. i thought i would try here, take a little nap, but it's freezing in this room. so this isn't going to work either. i'm going to go back to the fireplace. thermomom thermomometer signing you have a. >> never believe anything your

daughter says again. i think we found a new al roker. dennis rodman was in north korea today to help celebrate the 31st birthday of kim jong-un. i guess he was like kim jong-un's birthday cloud. he managed to talk ten american basketball players to join him to play an exhibition game against a north korean team. say what you want about dennis rodman, he's a really good boyfriend to kim jong-un. he's really good. 14,000 north koreans gathered at the pyongyang indoor stadium to celebrate and watch the game. and look at this. look at this crowd really. just going. that's the game. and the crowd goes wild. that's their investigation of the wave. i thought this was nice. not only did he fly out to play in the game, dennis even sang to kim jong-un. which is difficult to do when you have a mouthful of kay

jewelry in your tongue. but he persevered and treated the knot krnorth korean dictato this beautiful rendition of "happy birthday" ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ happy birthday to you we, he died doing what he loves. but when all is said and done, it was kim jong-un's best birthday ever. there was a basketball game, his wife got the new torture me elmo. a lot of fun stuff. you know why kim jong-un had his uncle executed? i think last week. according to the official statement, his uncle, quote, had improper relations with several women, was wined and dined at back parlors of restaurants, was

ideologically sick, used drugs and squandered foreign currency at casinos. which sounds like dennis rodman's resume. it's like his wikipedia page. but i guess for dennis it's fine. last night, piers morgan asked senator john mccain to weigh in. i think this is what john mccain calls the straight talk express. >> what do you make of dennis rodman? there's a sort of thought that's being reckless and naive here. others think any kind of dialogue with north korea is better than nothing. where do you sit? >> i think he's an idiot. >> all right. >> it's nice to see a basketball plaper fall in love with a kim who isn't a kardashian, isn't it?

we have lots of fun in store tonight. after great singer named yuna. also emmy rossum here and the beautiful and hilarious sof sofia vergara. her co-star on "modern family" instagramed this video just before the holidays. and it would appear that sofia has written a completely original christmas song. ♪ ♪ jing in the rain it's raining happy year ♪ >> jimmy: when sofia is here later, i want to get those lyrics printed out. the consumer electronic show is going nonlas vegas this week. one of the many new products they've unveiled is from intel called nursery 2.0.

it's a little plastic turtle that in cases a computer chip with wifi and blue tooth you attach it to a baby's clothes and lets you know that your baby is warm, live and breathing. which i believe used to be called parenting. and if there's a glitch, you can reboot your baby by pressing on its nose for three seconds. i like to think i had a happy childhood but when i realize my parents never turned me into a wifi enabled computer hub, i can't help but feel robbed. the product is expected to launch in mid 2014 and humanity is expected to come to a stop about 11 months after that. if you're going to the movies this weekend, i definitely recommend seeing the new spike jonze "her." it's set in the not too distant future. joaquin phoenix plays a guy who falls in love with his virtual assistant. scar lot johansson plays the voice of that assistant. but apparently spike jonze apparently cast someone else in that role.

an early trailer just leaked online. i don't know, i like this one, too. >> welcome to the world's first artificially intelligent operating system. we would like you to ask you a few questions. >> okay. >> are you social or anti-social? >> i guess i haven't been social in a while. >> how would you describe your relationship with your mother? thank you. please wait as your operating system is initiated. >> hi. my name is teddy ruxbin. i enjoy talking to people. >> you're too funny. >> can you and i be friends? >> i love the way you look at the world. it's been a long time since i've been with somebody that i felt totally at ease with. >> i'm horny.

>> jimmy: i knew he would make a comeback eventually. oh, i'm being told we have a breaking weather report. let's go to peggy in oxford, maine. >> i'm looking for some place to keep warm. i thought i would try the fireplace for a while, but i'm not doing very well. not having much luck. try someplace else. thermomometer signing off. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. when we come back, sofia and i have a little presentation for you. plus emmy rossum and yu in ta. so stay close. and now my journey across the country has brought me to the lovely city of boston. cheers. and seeing as it's such a historic city, i'm sure they'll appreciate that geico's been saving people money for over 75 years.

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. >> jimmy: first, an item from our goods friend. last night, jake was talking about a new book written by former defense secretary robert gates. and in doing so provided us with our unintentional joke of the day. >> "the new york times" and "the washington post" got a hold of gates' new book "duty." >>. >> jimmy: an important note. you should always say the title of your book allow before you publish it. you know what the most dangerous neighborhood in the country is right now? the comments section on every web page. people are so unbelievably harsh with these comments. i oef spent many sleepless nights thinking about the

terrible things big nuts 55 said about my double chin. no sane person would ever say the kind of things that they write online to someone face to face. if you did, you would get killed. and to illustrate this tonight, we collected real internet comments that people posted about me and about one of my guests tonight. and i'm going to invite her out here now so we can read them to each other outloud. please welcome sofia vergara. [ applause ] >> how are you? >> jimmy: right there, sofia. those are for you. these are for me. are you ready to do this? >> i'm nervous. >> jimmy: don't be nervous. these are real things that people wrote.

we culled them from various websites. i will read comments about you, you read the comments about me. and by eel trade off. go back and forth. >> okay. i hate jimmy kimmel. he has pointy eyes and a gaped mouth that never really closes. >> jimmy: yeah. that one i actually agree with. >> that's not that bad. if only sofia vergara was a mute, her voice rings in my ears. >> i've been said worst things than that. >> jimmy: one about me? >> i have never liked kimmel and i still don't. he's such an unfunny creep. >> jimmy: sofia vergara has an amazing body, but the face, not so much. >> i find kimmel to be the most

smug, unlikable host in the late night. i don't see how anyone can stand to watch him. >> jimmy: sofia vergara has a man jaw. lol. it's just something that annoys me. girl is ugly and has a more annoying voice than fran drescher. >> jimmy kimmel is a [ bleep ] who isn't funny at all. sometimes he makes me want to kill him literally. >> jimmy: sofia vergara, has anyone checked for a penis. i -- these -- these are from the internet. >> for sure bigger than yours.

>> jimmy: we're going to regroup. sofia vergara, everybody. i'm going to put some ice on my face. tonight on the show from "shameless" emmy rossum is here. music from yuna and we'll be right back with sofia vergara. i think.

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program you know her as fiona from the show "shameless" which debuts its fourth season this sunday on showtime. emmy rossum is here. and then this is her album -- it's called "nocturnal" yuna from the sony stage. tomorrow night, kristen wiig will be here, nick kroll will be with us, and we'll have music from lord huron. so please join us for that. our first guest tonight is a former dental school student who realized quickly that mouths are disgusting and instead became a very successful emmy and golden globe nominated actress. she plays gloria on modern family and serves as executive produce owner the show "killer women" which airs wednesday nights on nbc. please welcome sofia vergara.

>> jimmy: you have a very strong right cross. >> did i hit you too hard? >> jimmy: it's fine. i just like being touched by you. >> that was light actually. >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: i saw on your twitter feed -- by the way, i want to thank you -- >> what did you see? >> jimmy: i saw you in a bikini. i like that. by the way, a lot of people don't feel like we deserve to see them in a bikini and -- but you know that we want to see you in a bikini. >> but imagine at this age i don't take for granted when i look good in a bikini. i want the world to know i'm still -- you know? i don't know for how much longer i can hold it all together. >> jimmy: i'll let you know. i'll let you know.

the internet will let you know. >> that's for sure, exactly. that's a good test now. you send a picture. they react good, then you're good. >> jimmy: i'm always interested in your vacations and your life in general because you do not travel alone. far from it. you always have a very big group of family members, maybe some friends thrown in there, too. how many people went to mexico? >> no, it was six people. it was very intimate. my boyfriend and my mother, my son, my cousin, my nephew and me, of course. it was an amazing vacation. mexico is always fun. we speak the language, we love the food. we have fun. >> jimmy: were you there for new year's, too? >> no, we went for christmas in punta minta. >> jimmy: that's in mexico. >> yes in mexico. >> jimmy: what about new year's? you were there for new year's eve?

>> no, i went to florida for new year's. because my son, yeah, my son went to colombia, so i went to florida to relax. >> jimmy: did you have the whole group with you there? >> no. the whole group -- no. i had my other group waiting. my son left, my mom left, i had another group. >> jimmy: that's good. you always need to have -- >> kind of like family. >> jimmy: your television family, one of them i feel betrayed you by posting a video of you -- >> you know what, i didn't know he was recording that. and i was trying to, you know, be funny with them. i didn't think that he was going to do that. >> jimmy: let's show that again. i just want to get some clarity here. ♪ upon the day ♪ jingling in the raining ♪ it's raining happy year

>> i wanted to be fancy but i don't know the words of that. >> jimmy: i think what you said was jingle in the raininess. >> it's not the words that what mattered, it's the attitude, the cheerfulness, the christmassy. >> jimmy: right. i think you should record a christmas album next year. i would love to hear that. >> i have many other songs. maybe next year. >> jimmy: what's going on with your boyfriend? now, he is a very handsome guy. seems like a very nice guy. >>fianc yaancfiance. >> jimmy: where did you live? >> l.a., miami, florida. >> jimmy: is he a rich guy? >> what kind of question is that? >> jimmy: of course he's a rich guy. >> of course. >> jimmy: what does he do for a

living? what is his background? >> it's a food topping that you put all over food. like hot dogs. and, you know, for barbecues. i love it. >> jimmy: so you shake it on your food. >> you shake it and you eat it. >> jimmy: oh, that sounds good. >> that would be another song on the christmas album. and do you guys have arguments? if you do, does he ever win any of those arguments? >> no, of course not. that's another weird question. you know, we don't have much arguments because it's very difficult for me to fight in english. so i just hit him and i walk away like i did with you. >> jimmy: where did you guys sneet. >> at one of the awards shows four years ago. it's going to be our anniversary. it's fun, fun time.

everyone is like when are you getting married? it's like you know, i think it's very sexy to be engaged. it's even sexier than being married. >> jimmy: plus what business is it of theirs? why are people in such a rush for people to get marry pd . >> i don't know, i already did it before. i had my son. i got the big wedding with the dress and the thing. and i don't have time right now to plan a big thing. i do nothing, just him and i or i do something huge. >> jimmy: nothing is not going to work. well, you have the golden globes coming up. congratulations, you're nominated again for fourth time. >> i'm very excited. i love the awards shows. >> jimmy: at the emmys, you brought -- how many people did you bring to the emmys? >> 22. but this time i can only bring ten because they don't allow you -- like at the event. but anyways -- >> jimmy: you can only bring ten. that's a lot of onlies. >> i'm including in those, me and nick.

we don't count so it reelsly like eight people. >> jimmy: do they know that they're not coming? >> they know that i cannot bring people to the golden globes. but i love enjoying with them, you know, the emmy sts a lot of fun for me, too, because i bring all my cousins. we do our makeup together. you know, i -- i use covergirl. and covergirl makes it, like, easy for me to do everybody's makeup. >> jimmy: you do it yourself? >> i can do it better than anyone. >> jimmy: really? maybe you can cover up the bruise on my face later. get a little covergirl on me. >> i can put on covergirl on you. it's something that i enjoy a lot to do makeup. >> jimmy: i've always wanted to be a covergirl. >> you only need a little bit of mascara and you be ready to go. >> jimmy: i don't understand what you said but i'll take it.

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>> jimmy: we are back with sofia vergara. not only is she a star on "modern family" you're also executive producer of the show "killer women." >> yes. it's an idea we got because it's a very successful show in latin

america, argentina, mexico. and so i wanted to bring it here. and we have a great cast. tri s t tricia is the main character molly. i think people are going to like it. it's woman that kill. and the interesting thing about this is women are not like men. when they shoot you, they shoot you once. no, woman, they come with everything. they empty the gun on you. and if they're going to, like, stab you, they don't just stab you once. we stab 50 times. and they were given a story about cently a woman who hit the husband with the car. she not only hit him with the car, she went over him. when we do a job, we do it right. not that i'm encouraging any of this behavior. >> jimmy: of course not.

cable and everything, it seems like there's a whole underground swell of women killing men shows that are becoming very, very popular. >> maybe it's time to teach them a lesson. >> jimmy: do you sit in an office. do you review notes, go through the scripts and decide who to hire? >> i sit in "modern family" set all day. but, you know, the magic of now with the, you know, the internet and the phones you can communicate and, you know, i worked a lot with them, of course, i'm not really like a producer myself. i have a great team of people. my manager is the one that took over that part of the business. but i help a lot with the casting, which is very interesting for me. i love to see the actors. and, you know, it's a very good experience for me. >> jimmy: when you run into somebody that you chose not to cast -- >> they don't know that i didn't choose them. you think i'm crazy? i'm behind the scenes. >> jimmy: i heard that "modern

family" is going to shoot in australia. >> i know. we're going to go next month. i've been there already. i love australia. >> jimmy: you have? >> yes. kangaroo. bald eagle? no. i think it tastes like chicken. maybe it was chicken. >> jimmy: i don't know if it's legal. >> maybe they lie to me. it should be illegal, no? >> jimmy: if it was legal, would you eat a kangaroo? >> no! >> jimmy: guillermo, go get us a kangaroo. we're going to eat it here. >> it sounds like a good idea to bring the people to the country, no? >> jimmy: it does sound like a fun idea. you went on vacation up in sun valley and now you get a little working vacation, too. >> we're going to have so much fun. every time we travel we have a great time. >> jimmy: how many family members will you bring -- >> i'm only bringing -- my fiancee i'm going to convince

him to come. i think i'm only going to bring two people. >> jimmy: you'll have a whole new australian group when you come home. >> i'm going with the whole cast. we enjoy each other. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. congratulations on both shows. "killer women" airs tuesdays at 10:00 p.m. on abc. we'll be right back with emmy rossum. the making of a bombshell starring new bombshell volume from covergirl. featuring the exclusive bombshell boost system. extreme volume meets an intensifying topcoat. and tada. a bombshell is born. with 10 times more noticeable lashes. nothing gets attention like a bombshell. [ male announcer ] for big sexy bombshell lashes new bombshell volume from easy, breezy, beautiful covergirl. get it! flaunt it!

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>> jimmy: if by the end of the weekend, you're sick of your family, grab the remote control, turn the volume up really loud and watch our next guest cursing at hers. she stars with william h. macy on "shameless," sunday nights at 9:00 on showtime. please say hello to emmy rossum.

>> i'm sure you're aware of this. but you're on the cover of "esquire" magazine. there you are in the corner there. >> this wasn't even supposed to be on the cover. it was supposed to be an inside spread. i heard i got the cover. i was so excited. i called my mom and she's like a typical new york mom. she's like, oh, my god, i'm going to the bodega to the newsstand. she said you're not really on the cover. i said kind of. she said it's very small. i said technically i'm there. >> never get your girlfriend a pet she doesn't know she was getting. that's very good advice. >> she was more excited that my quote was next to dr. dre's. >> jimmy: she was. >> she was like he is very important. your proximity to dr. dre makes

you very important. i was like thanks, mom. >> jimmy: does she think it was dr. drew maybe? >> or dr. oz perhaps. >> jimmy: she was like he makes those beats headphones. i was like mom, how do you know this? you're so weird. >> jimmy: they have really saturated the market, i guess. well, that's nice. what did you do for the holidays? >> i went to london. very christmas y i. >> jimmy: it must be beautiful at christmas time. >> it was gorgeous. >> jimmy: was it a good trip? >> you know, it was a holiday so it was fraught with drama. >> jimmy: what kind of drama? >> i've always want fod ed to g stonehenge. i got on one of the red tour buss with all the german tourists and the yugoslavian tourists. >> jimmy: we have them here tonight. >> hi the germans. >> jimmy: and the kid behind you playing his ps 90 x right behind you. we drove three hours to

stonehenge to pull up there and they're like yeah, we're closed. >> jimmy: how do you close a bunch of rocks in the field? >> i don't know. but the viewing to get close to it. we could see it from the highway. they did say you can go to the gift shop. which is like -- so i just drove three hours in a bus full of tourists -- >> jimmy: you would think the bus would call ahead and figure that out. >> i got my 20 pounds back. >> jimmy: did you give them a bad review on yelp? >> yelp.co.uk. no, i didn't look that up. >> jimmy: it's not too late to do that. what else did you do? >> i road an insane roller coaster called the blizzard. which is in hyde park. it's part of this christmas market and it's a huge turbine. i went on this trip with a guy i started dating. and he loves roller costers and i hate roller coasters. i wanted to seem like i'm cool, i can throw down. >> jimmy: or up. >> or throw up, exactly.

he was like i want to go on this monster ride the blizzard. wow, that sounds like fun. of course, you know, i'm having heart palalpitations, a nervous wreck. it's a turbine and it spins you 20 feet in the air and you're doing this while it's spinning. it's great, you can see all of london. blah, blah, blah. of course, they're strapping me into the thing. and i'm like did you hear a click? did it click? is it supposed to make a click? i was such a wreck. >> jimmy: did you get sick from it? >> i got ptsd. i'm not even kidding. i got off the ride and it was like a christmas market so there were a bunch of disney balloons. i was like ahh! i freaked out. it was bad. and then i got food poisoning the next day. >> jimmy: it sounds like a wonderful trip. >> but the hospitals are amazing there. free health care. >> jimmy: in england they have free health care. >> they don't even ask you for your i.d. you give your name, your

symptoms, they look you up to a bunch of fluids. they say just leave when you feel like it. you pay nothing. >> jimmy: you paid nothing at all? >> i paid nothing at all. they treated me for hours and i paid nothing. it was amazing. >> jimmy: maybe they're making up for stonehenge for you. >> they better. >> jimmy: "shameless" looks like a fun show to do. you're screaming and yelling. >> it's raw, wild, working class, and it's got an edge to it. it's really fun. >> jimmy: and william h. macy. he's been here a number of times. he's a fantastic -- i mean, do you feel like you learn stuff from watching a guy like that when you're working with him? >> yeah. he's incredibly free and uses his imagination and is really fun to play off of. but our characters hate each other. i play his daughter and he plays -- >> jimmy: terrible, terrible. >> worst father ever. we don't have that many scenes together. in fact, occasionally we'll pass

each other in the trailer and be like are you on this show? nice to see you. >> jimmy: you guys are in all the promotional materials together. >> we see each other for press. >> jimmy: that's the only time you get to see each other. congratulations on the success of the show. four seasons is pretty great. >> yeah. who knew. >> jimmy: and the new season stards sunday night. shameless, 9:00 on showtime. emmy rossum, everybody. [ man ] yo buzz! drop that beat! remix! ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ ♪ ♪ you got that medley crunch

♪ go! go! buzz! ♪ go! go! go! buzz! ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ ♪ clusters, flakes ♪ that medley crunch, crunch! ♪ clusters, flakes ♪ that medley crunch, crunch! go! ♪ ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ ♪ hey! you got that medley crunch ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ you've got to try this sweet & sour chicken helper. i didn't know they made chicken. crunchy taco or four cheese lasagna?

can i get another one of those actually? [ superfan ] hey, america, we're here to help. ♪ this is the creamy chicken corn chowder. i mean, look at it. so indulgent. did i tell you i am on the... [ both ] chicken pot pie diet! me too! [ male announcer ] so indulgent, you'll never believe they're light. 100-calorie progresso light soups. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank sofia vergara, emmy rossum, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. he will be rescheduled at a later date. ""nightline"" is coming up next. but first, her album is called "nocturnal" here with the song "falling," yuna!

♪ it's been a long day i can't seem to keep up with it ♪ ♪ i want to fall asleep so i don't have to remember ♪ ♪ don't have to call me i've turned my phone off let the pillow zipper take my heart ♪ ♪ no don't have to

check up on me i'll be all right ♪ ♪ i turn off the lights and swim into the night ♪ ♪ i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling ♪ ♪ i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling ♪ ♪ falling falling for you i wanna forget all this burden on my back i want to fall asleep ♪ ♪ so i don't have to remember don't have to call me i've turned my phone off let the pillow zipper ♪ ♪ take my heart no don't have to check up on me i'll be all right i turn off the lights ♪ ♪ and swim into

the night ♪ ♪ i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling ♪ ♪ i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling ♪ ♪ falling falling for you rain will start to fall i forget it i forget it all ♪ ♪ rain will start to fall i forget it i forget it all rain will start to fall ♪ ♪ i forget it i forget it all rain will start to fall i forget it ♪ ♪ i forget it all don't have to call me i've turned my phone off ♪ ♪ let the pillow zipper take my heart

no don't have to check up on me ♪ ♪ i'll be all right i turn off the lights and swim into the night ♪ ♪ i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling ♪ ♪ i keep falling i keep falling i keep falling ♪ ♪ i keep falling falling falling for you ♪ ♪ she thinks she's all alone and all her hopes are gone ♪ ♪ and so i wrote this song so she can move along ♪

can't you tell that she's walking on air ♪ ♪ yeah she's got light in her face she don't need no rescuing she's okay ♪ ♪ yeah she's got life in her veins she don't need no rescuing she's okay ♪ ♪ no s-o-s needed no rescuing she's fine out there no s-o-s needed ♪ ♪ no rescuing she's fine out there

yeah she's got life in her veins ♪ ♪ she don't need no rescuing she's okay ♪ ♪ she looks into the sky and all her tears are dry she kiss her fears goodbye she's gonna be alright ♪ ♪ when things were bad it was beyond repair she was scared she couldn't handle it ♪ ♪ when things were bad but now she's glad can't you tell that she's walking on air ♪ ♪ yeah she's got light in her face she don't need no