>> from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight kristen wiig. from comedy central, nick kroll. this week in unnecessary censorship. and music from lord huron. with cleto and the cletones. and now, not only that, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much.

i'm happy to say that the polar vortex that's terrorized much of the united states and canada this week is just about gone. thanks to my efforts. you're welcome. i have to admit, i'm kind of s disappointed in the polar vortex. it's a pretty unsuccessful vortex if not a single person gets pulled into a different dimension. while temperatures are gradually increasing in most places, it is still very cold. in fact, if you live in an area where temperatures are still below zero, it's important to know that it's because god has forgotten you and all is lost. when a big storm like this hits it meaning our nation's weather reporters get sent out into the snow to tell us how cold it is. this is from cleveland. they did something funny. they built an outdoor news desk made entirely of ice, which was a good idea until this. >> it's been a time to turn to science and enjoy the extreme beauty of the ice.

>> this is kind of fun. channel 3 is showing off our ice anchor desk. she has a few other fun things for us out on the back patio. hi, robin. >> stop collaborate and listen. rob is in the back with a brand-new invention. it's an ice desk forming tightly. ice, ice baby. >> vanilla ice just killed himself so he could roll over in his grave. and while that was terrible, somehow it actually got weirder and worse. >> i did not know we were getting a weather rap from you. thank you so much. >> you know your news name, right? >> what is it? >> vanilla ice. >> jimmy: that's not how nicknames work. you don't just call the beperso

the name of the person that sang the song. right, guillermo? >> guillermo: right, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you. this is something. an exciting new piece of technology has been born here in los angeles. maybe the most exciting piece of technology ever. this is currently residing in a mobile station not too far from here in west hollywood. it is the burrito box. it's a burrito vending machine. or as guillermo calls it, a hot burrito bending machine. right? an easy way to tell if you're stoned out of your mind is you're buying burritos out of a vending machine. it comes out with guacamole on the side, sour cream, hot sauce. i guess this is for people who are too much in a hurry to wait 40 seconds attack co beto taco .

we got a hol of a burrito box and we're going to demonstrate it for real how it works in a few minutes. we got it this amp. guillermo has already gotten his head stuck in it four times. >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: and new jersey governor chris christie has had a bad couple of days. he's embroiled in a major scandal involving lane closures near the george washington bridge. one of his top aides allegedly ordered the lane closure to retaliate against the mayor of ft. lee to refuse to support governor christie's re-election. a lot of people got stuck in terrible traffic. ambulances had a hard time getting through. blocking off bridges, you know, intentionally. to put that in perspective, that's what bane did in the last batman movie. it's a big dale. and this morning, the governor held a press conference. he apologized. he said he was misled by members of his staff and announced his deputy chief of staff had been

fired. while i would never accuse governor christie of lying, one thing he said did seem a little fishy to me. >> let me tell you, everybody. i was blind sided yesterday morning. i was done with my workout. >> jimmy: right? he could have said he was on his roof putting ribbons on his unico unicorn, it would have been more believable. the scandal could damage christie's chances of getting the republican nomination for president in 2016, but he'll probably bounce back. he seems like a pretty bouncy person. a waitress in oregon got an unusual tip from a couple of customers at the twisted fish steak house last week. she served them dinner and drinks. and at the end of the meal, they left her an envelope, not stuffed with money, stuffed with metham mphetamines.

police followed the couple to a nearby hotel. they found what appeared to be a little meth lab inside. this is a picture of the two alleged drug kingpins. cute couple. i feel bad for the waitress. not only didn't the waitress get a real tip, it's a little insulting, right? wait, you're not a meth head? oh, i'm sorry, i just assumed from your teeth. my bad. last night, the people's choice awards were held at the nokia theatre here in los angeles. oh, are you the people who vote for that crap? the awards show where the people decide who wins. if the people decide to ever give an award to most awkward award show banter, may i consider for your consideration, ms. heidi klum. >> hi. i have a question. have you ever had a fear that you're in the club and you listen to a music and you're really getting into it and you're one of those people and

you feel like there's nobody there. kind of like that. >> yeah. that's much more fun than dancing like there's no one around when there actually is. >> but there are tons of people here. so anyway. here are the nominees forartist >> jimmy: the most important thing is they're very attractive. after two decades of trying to lower the birthrate, iran is actually encouraging family to have more children to try to boost their population. they have a plan to give a gold coin to any family that has a baby. maybe we should send dennis rodman and his former squad of nba players straight from north korea over there. they'll get that birthrate up in no time. right now their population is around 80 million. their supreme leader wants to get it up to 150 million. he wants more pregnancies, he

should start by legalizing alcohol over there. they're very serious about this. countries need young people to boost the economy to take care of the older people when they retire. and they're hoping to give the birthrate a kick start with this fake commercial we made. >> interested in having a baby? would you rather just focus on your careers? what if i told you i would give you a gold coin, then when you be interested? introducing gold coin for baby. gold coin for baby pays you one gold coin for one baby. >> hi. i'm alan thicke. if you're iranian and of child bearing age, you might qualify for the coin for baby program. it's simple. just have a baby and you'll get a gold coin of your very own. gold coin for baby. >> i'm so glad we got this cold. i mean had this baby. >> yeah, having this gold -- i mean baby has changed

everything. >> do you see how good it is? it's real good. >> gold coin for baby. >> gold coin for baby, sponsored by the islamic republic for iran. >> and me, alan thick, celebrity baby maker. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. when we come back, we have this week in "unnecessary censorship." we're going to show you the burrito box in action. kristen wiig, nick kroll and music from lord huron, too.

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>> jimmy: we have a camera out on hollywood boulevard. we have a new segment for you tonight. tonight we're going to ask random people out on the street, what is the most interest thing about you? my cousin sal, it's really simple. i will ask a pedestrian what the most interest thing about them is if i do find them interesting, tell them what everyone will get. >> each will get to take home their very ownburrito vending machine. >> jimmy: no, they just get a burrito. not the whole machine. all right, well, let's meet our first pedestrian. hello there, hi, what's your name? >> melanie. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> los angeles. >> jimmy: from right here in los angeles. now what is the most interest thing about you? >> i was raised amish growing up. >> jimmy: that is interesting. where did you grow up?

>> in farmington, connecticut. >> jimmy: and i'm guessing that your family doesn't approve of the changes you've made? >> no. we broke amish in seventh grade. my parents got divorced and they were like f-f. >> jimmy: did both of them decide not to be amish anymore? >> well, my mom was always just crazy. so they was like we wore ruffle dresses down to the toys. we baked our own toys in the oven. >> yeah, it was like three to five hours to make fife dolls. >> she churned her own lip piercings. >> jimmy: wow ear not amish anymore. that's for sure. all right, i have to say. that's interesting. i mean, this is something the amish cannot do. they cannot use a burrito box. i think there were five different kind of burritos

there. you can pick which one you like. we'll go meet somebody else. is it there already? oh, good, you get an old burrito. >> let's meet our next contestant. what is your name? >> my name is brian. >> where are you from? >> farmington, connecticut. >> jimmy: isn't that where she's from? >> well, originally. that's where i still currently live. >> jimmy: are you there together? >> yes, i'm actually visiting her. >> jimmy: well, that makes more sense. you're not amish, are you? >> no, i am not. >> jimmy: all right, what is the most interesting thing about you. >> the most interesting thing about me is that i was actually born with one extra set of teeth, so i had a third tooth in the roof of my mouth that i had to have removed surnlically when i was 11 years old. and it was shaped like a fresh water pearl. >> jimmy: what did you do with

it? >> i have no idea. i think i threw it out or something. >> you threw it out? >> it's somewhere. i have no idea. >> it's in one of those burri burritos. >> jimmy: was it painful to have it removed? >> i have no idea. i was on a lot of anaesthesia. >> jimmy: all right. well, i find that interesting. you get a burrito. the burrito box. get your burrito. just have whatever you like right there. go through the process. okay, good. all right. who else do we have out there? come on over. >> how's it going? >> jimmy: what's your name? >> i'm jason wool. i'm right here in los angeles. >> jimmy: i can see that. now jason, what is the most interesting thing about you? >> the most interesting thing about me is that i've performed

at over 50 bachelorette parties. >> jimmy: as what? a stripper? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yep. it's been a lot of fun. i recommend every guy should try it once. >> jimmy: yeah, i'm sure they would be thrilled if i walked through the door. first stoning at a bachelorette party. so do you still do this? >> occasionally, yes. only when it's in beverly hills or bel air or something like that. >> jimmy: oh, why there particularly? just for the money? >> yes, yes. and the fun. and bigger houses, classier. >> jimmy: and may i ask an indelicate question. do you make love to the -- >> not the brides. >> jimmy: the grooms? >> they're not there. they're in vegas. >> jimmy: well, that's interesting. we're going to send you over to the burrito box.

the burrito box. that's a pretty good name for a male stripper. all right. you get your hot and delicious burrito there. and let's mean one more person and find out what the most interesting thing about -- what is your name? >> my name is kaitlyn. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> pinetop, arizona. >> jimmy: that's a very small town, right? >> very small. i'm glad to be out. >> jimmy: do you live here now? >> no, i go to school in tucson. and it's our winter break. so i'm seeing l.a. and stuff. >> jimmy: very good. what's the most interest thing about you? >> i'm unusually gifted at sewing. >> not good. thanks for play, though. >> jimmy: and there you go. no, you don't get a burrito. she doesn't get a burrito. i'm sorry, you have to be interesting. and that is not.

thank you to all our participants. and thanks to god for vicinitying the burrito box, too. it's thursday night and it's time for our weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things where wl they need it or not. it's this week in unnecessary censorship. enjoy. >> the polar vortex. it's [ bleep ] cold out there. really, really [ bleep ] cold. >> get the [ bleep ] out of los angeles. >> i bleep a lot of people as president of the united states. >> i would like to thank my parents for continuing to instill in me that no [ bleep ] is too big. >> can you imagine a [ bleep ] load of people going to antarctica. >> from one [ bleep ] to another [ bleep ]. hi. >> wait until he hears he can't have his [ bleep ] at the super bowl. >> i can attest to the fact that it is brutally [ bleep ] cold

here in buffalo. >> 55 on saturday. this is unbelievable. mother [ bleep ] make up your mind. >> i would like you to [ bleep ] your father's [ bleep ], please. >> the [ bleep ] of the [ bleep ]. >> i can't tell >> jimmy: we'll be right back with kristen wiig. >> portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by covergirl. easy, breezy, hashtag bomb-shelling!

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♪ turn around ♪ every now and then i get a little bit hungry ♪ ♪ and there's nothing good for me around ♪ ♪ turn around ♪ every now and then i get a little bit tired ♪ ♪ of craving something that i can't have ♪ ♪ turn around, barbara ♪ forever i've been praying for a snack in my life ♪ ♪ and now i have a brownie ending all of my strife ♪

♪ i finally found the right snack ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: tonight on the program a young man with a lot of gusto. from "kroll show" on comedy central, nick kroll is here. and then with music from this album called "lonesome dreams," lord huron from the sony stage. we've got a good line up for you next week. joseph gordon-levitt will be here, as will matt leblanc, chris pine, kevin costner, kenneth branagh, harry connick, jr., gregory porter, michael kiwanuka, the fray and more. much, much more. not that much more, but a little bit more. our first guest is a ridiculously talented woman whom you know from "anchorman 2," "bridesmaids," "despicable me

2," "anchorman 2," "saturday night live," "saturday night live 2" and now a hilarious new mini-series called "the spoils of babylon." watch it thursday nights at ten on ifc. please welcome kristen wiig. >> jimmy: hue are you doing? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: you've been so n so many things lately. "secret life of walter mitty." "the spoils of babylon"

"anchorman 2." i didn't know you were in "her." >> my voice. a choice that joaquin phoenix has phone sex with. i just want my dad to know i did that. don't see that one. >> jimmy: i'm planning to take the audio from that and inserting it into "despicable me 2." >> i've never done anything like that before. >> jimmy: you play a phone sex. >> yeah. it was just funny doing it because, smiek would come in and just like yeah, improvise and pant and beli[ bleep ] sorry, d. >> jimmy: when spike comes in and tells you to do something like that you do it or you run. >> or you do it. sorry. >> jimmy: did you record that with joaquin. were you in the next room?

>> no, they had already shot that and edited it. and i just kind of came in. >> jimmy: i see. i have to admit, i was impressed by it. you really, really made an impression on me. and i think when people see it they will be delighted to know -- >> except for my dad. >> jimmy: did you even meet joaquin then? >> no. but i like to tell people we worked together. but really -- >> jimmy: you did kind of work together. in "the spoils of babylon" this show, i thought it was very, very funny. thank you. thanks. i'm sorry. >> jimmy: something wrong? >> oh, many i gosh, i have a phone call. i kind of double booked tonight. i went -- this is going to sound really crazy. i went online and met this guy. and we have a date tonight. so i told him he could come here. i hope that's okay. because i didn't want to cancel

on him. i didn't want to be rude. >> jimmy: oh. yeah, it's fine. we'll get him in here. >> hi. sorry. >> hi. nice to emeet you. >> jimmy: you have not met before. >> no. >> jimmy: what's your name? >> david. >> jimmy: hi. how are you doing? good to have you here. so this is your first date then, i guess? >> yes. >> jimmy: well, i guess you probably have -- i don't know if you want to get to know each other. you probably have a lot to talk about. well, you must have a lot in common because of the okay cupid profile. you must have matched up somehow, right? >> we just clicked on -- >> he's cute.

>> jimmy: what about movies. what kind of movies do you like? >> well, david, i like interesting, fun movies. like a feel-good. you know when i come out of the movie theatre like a happy person. >> i like horror movies. violent ones. a lot of blood and death. i like satan. like if there's a devil baby. oer a devil animal. anything with satan. i like satan. >> jimmy: all right. >> you're into that? all right. >> jimmy: what about tv shows. kristen was on "saturday night live." >> i don't own a tv. my mom doesn't let me have a tv after what happened. my mom lives with me in my room. with my aunt.

in the same bed. but that reminds me. i brought you a gift. it's lipstick if you want to put it on. >> you have lipstick? >> put it on. >> i'm okay. thanks. thanks. i'm having a really nice time. >> jimmy: well, hey. we have that thing to do. >> oh, that thing. oh, i forgot. we have to go to this thing for the orphan charity thing for the l.a. -- for the -- >> jimmy: for the orphans. >> i'm so sorry. i totally forgot. we have to go. >> jimmy: but i have to stay. i have to finish the show. okay. >> you could go. you have your thing.

>> i don't have a thing. >> jimmy: you do. you have a thing. you should go to your thing. guillermo would you -- >> it's nice to meet you. >> jimmy: can you help him get to his thing? >> maybe we can do this again some time. >> jimmy: let's talk about your project. >> yes, let's do that. >> jimmy: is that your phone i hear? >> yes. it's going again. oh, he texted. i feel bad. oh, wait. he sent me a picture of his penis. and a picture -- i think that's a butt hole. >> jimmy: yeah, i think it is, too.

that is what it looks like. guillermo, what does that look like to you? yeah, like a butt. yeah. >> jimmy: why don't we take a break right now. >> i'm so aware that my dad is watching. >> jimmy: you're an orphan now. kristen wiig is here right now.

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>> jimmy: that is a very, very funny show. you can probably do a better job of explaining it. >> a lot of screaming and a lot of hair. >> jimmy: it's a parody of those -- >> it's like an old fashion miniseries. "winds of war." very overly dramatic. and we have a crazy cast. >> jimmy: it's an unbelievable cast. >> tim robbins plays my dad. >> jimmy: will ferrell. kind of the narrator. will flarrel. >> jimmy: he's actually better than will farrell. >> it's based on a fake book that will eric johnrosh wrote. and will ferrell plays eric johnrosh. >> jimmy: in a very funny scene, they set up a bunch of kiosks in airports for the book that does not exist. they had empty kiosks.

you get to the airport looking for this book that's apparently popular. but the truth is it's just a stand. there's nothing there. >> they did a whole funny thing with that. t >> jimmy: the whole thing is very funny. it's called "spoils of babylon." thank you very being here. don't forget to take your lipstick with you. kristen wiig. >> hello. i'm guillermo. are you beautiful? do you want to share your most sexy glamorous self with the world? isle show you how. it's called bombshelling. 'm here with my assistant, the very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very beautiful sofia vergara. >> how are you, guillermo.

>> thanks for doing this with me. >> no, thank you. i'm not ready yet. i need to get ready. you can't do it. >> i've got it. relax. >> i'm a covergirl, i know what i'm telling you. sexy, sexy, sexy man. that's nice. >> there you go. >> covergirl helps you flaunt your sexiest self, no matter who you are. covergirl presents the making of a bombshell starring new bombshell volume from covergirl. featuring the exclusive bombshell boost system. extreme volume meets an intensifying topcoat. and tada. a bombshell is born. with 10 times more noticeable lashes. nothing gets attention like a bombshell. [ male announcer ] for big sexy bombshell lashes new bombshell volume from easy, breezy, beautiful covergirl.

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it means trying something new. [ woman ] just, that uncertainty of what's to come. [ man ] just kidding. ♪ can you please stop doing that? ♪ [ woman ] you walk outside, and it's cement and broken glass. and this is just like... the opposite of that. ♪ >> jimmy: you know our next guest from "the league" and "parks and recreation," and personally he lives next door to you and sometimes comes to your house. he has his own show called "kroll show," season two of which premieres tuesday at 10:30 on comedy central. please welcome nick kroll.

i know you just got from new york where the polar vortex was. >> we flew right through the polar vortex and it is dangerously cold out there. it is scary. a little trick coming from new york, if it ever gets cold like that out here in the midwest, just a little trick i learned growing up. if it's ever freakishly cold, you put on one more layer of clothing. >> jimmy: interesting. >> there you go. >> jimmy: you should be on the news giving tips. you live in l.a., though? >> i live in l.a. >> jimmy: do you like living here or are you one of those guys that miss new york? >> i miss new york, but l.a. has some perks to it. they've legalized medical marijuana here. >> jimmy: yes, yes. what fake illment do you have that you -- >> well, i went to a -- i don't smoke pot, but i went to a pot doctor and i yelped my pot

doctor. i was like 13 reviews, he seems legitimate. >> jimmy: is this true? >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> everybody is on yelp. so i went in and literally, i walked into the room. there's this fat old dude and he's got his feet up on the table and hive i walk in and he goes oh, you ever wake up from, like, a bad nap? and i was like oh, doctor. he's like so what's the problem? he's like what's your ailment? i was like i don't know [ bleep ] sleepy. he's like all right, there you go. and i got it. then i went back and got it renewed this year. different doctor, younger, in sweat pants. >> jimmy: really? >> seeing a doctor in sweat pants is, like, one of the most depressing things you can ever see. and this guy, it was sweat pants that were, like, a seven-hour

real housewives of atlanta marathon sweat pants. this guy is going deep. and he's like what's your problem. i was like, you know, anxiety. and he's like from what? i'm like work. he's like what do you do? i'm like i'm an actor and comedian. he's like do you ever appear in films that come out an amc movie theatres? and all of a sudden i panicked. i don't know if it was a trick question or if he had gotten a gift card. because he's a sad, deprezzed pot doctor in sweat pants. like he's getting free movies wherever he can. i'm like i got to go. >> jimmy: it all worked. things are going great for you. you play a lot of characters. most of them, is it fair to say, idiots? >> yes. >> jimmy: yes? >> yes.

they would be hurt to hear you say that. >> jimmy: don't tell them. >> it's crazy. i do this thing with my friend jon dailey called [ bleep ] thank you. it's like these two guys. they're the worst. but i was look, there's ads all over l.a. now for a show on e! call eed "rich kwids kids." it's the same show and but it's for real. >> jimmy: you should get an executive producer credit on that. do you know kristen wiig? >> our paths have crossed a bunch of times over the years. >> jimmy: and did you ever -- were you ever on "saturday night live"? >> i auditions for snl. >> jimmy: you did? >> probably four or five years ago. i went in and it's a nerve wracking process.

>> jimmy: i bet. >> it's your life long dream. you grew up watching "saturday night live." for comedians there's no other show you would ever want to be on. so i went into the audition, i was really excited, the stage manager is pack stage. all right, you're going to go out there, say hi to lorn and the writers and then you're going to look at camera and start. got it. nailed this. no problem here. and i go out and i say hi to lorne and then i start my audition and lorne says they're not here. and by the way, did you hear my michael lorne impression? he's like what do you mean? i was like the writers are outside. and i said oh, are they outside talking about how awesome i am? he's like no. i was like all right, cool. so then they -- the stage manager comes out and says i'm so sorry, so sorry, come

backsta backstage. he's like you've got to wait. their on a bathroom break. okay, all right. backstage. there's like a crew dude eating a big italian sub and says are you going to do jon lovitz? i was like no, i'm going to do lyle lovett. >> jimmy: why did he ask you? >> i don't know. i don't know if he thought i looked like jon lovitz. i said i'm goek to do the love child between jon lovitz and lyle lovett. he said save it for the stage. i had one freshman of jeff goldblum. that's the only impression i can do. >> jimmy: is it a good one? do it a little bit. >> jimmy, let me see your hand.

soft. fingers. >> jimmy: that's pretty good. and disturbing. season two of "kroll show" premieres tuesday night at 10:30 on comedy central. when we come back music from lord huron.

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[ male announcer ] don't wait for awesome... totino's pizza rolls gets you there in just 60 seconds. ♪ >> jimmy: i'd like to thank kristen wiig, nick kroll, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first their album is called "lonesome dreams." here with the song "ends of the earth," lord huron. good night. ♪

♪ oh there's a river that winds on forever i'm a-gonna see where it leads ♪ ♪ oh there's a mountain that no man has mounted i'm a-gonna stand on the peak ♪ ♪ out there's a land that time don't command i wanna be the first to arrive ♪ ♪ no time for pondering why i'm a-wandering on while we're

both still alive ♪ ♪ to the ends of the earth would you follow me there's a world that was meant for our eyes to see ♪ ♪ to the ends of the earth would you follow me if you won't i must say my goodbyes to thee ♪ ♪ oh there's an island where all things are silent i'm a-gonna whistle a tune ♪ ♪ oh there's a desert that's size can't be measured i'm a-gonna count all the dunes ♪ ♪ out there's a world

that calls for me girl i'm heading out into the unknown ♪ ♪ wayfaring strangers and all kinds of danger please don't say i'm going alone ♪ ♪ to the ends of the earth would you follow me there's a world that was meant for our eyes to see ♪ ♪ to the ends of the earth would you follow me if you won't i must say my goodbyes to thee ♪ ♪ i was ready to die for you baby doesn't mean i'm re