>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, ashton kutcher, from "12 years a slave", sarah paulson, and music from the head and the heart, with cleto and the cletones. and now, i just thought i would let you know, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm host of the show.

thanks for watching. i know a lot of you are here just hiding out from the cops, but that's fine. you be cool, isle be cool. it will be cool. an estimated 700,000 fans lined the streets to cheer the super bowl champion seahawks. they say it was the largest gathering in the history of the city of the seattle. i think 700,000 is more people than live in the city of seattle. i don't know about parade. didn't anyone consider it might hurt the broncos' feelings. we have malcolm smith and the notorious richard sherman will be here. and by the way, should mention, today was also the victory parade for the puppy bowl. but that was -- that wasn't a big deal. just a bunch of dogs dragging their butts across the carpet. in other sports news, the winter olympics begin tomorrow. so get ready for two weeks of bob costas sitting by a fire. you know, ticket sales have been

slow for the olympics in sochi, mostly because the olympics are in sochi. which is a town i had never heard of until three weeks ago. as of two weeks ago, there were still 330,000 tickets available. most of the analysts attribute this lack of interest to the bureaucracy in russia and the threat of terror attacks at the games. maybe people just don't like the winter olympics. i mean, how many way can you go down a hill? through flags, not through flags. sitting on a sled, laying on sled. we get it. you're going down. even though the games are starting tomorrow, they're still building ho etells. three of the nine hotels they built for reporters weren't finished yet. and the ones that are finished are in bad shape. one photographer said the hotel he's staying in had stray dogs roaming the halls. i'm not kidding. it's like the opposite of room service, right? a writer from the ""chicago tribune"" tweeted this picture

of the tap water of the faucet in her room. that could hurt their yelp review. she said the front desk told her, do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous. that's great. and this is one of the rooms the canadian hockey team is staying in. three players per room. i hope it's three players per room. it's like goldilocks. even the bobsledders are like, t isn't it a little cramped. when you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell. meanwhile, supposedly, they spent $51 billion preparing for the games. and no one seems to know where it went. there's still a lot of construction that hasn't been done, and this is planned for the opening ceremonies. ♪

. >> jimmy: no more cigarettes. they're projected to lose $2 billion a year as a result of this decision. they say it's, quote, the right thing to do for our customers and our company. in their path for better health. i go to cvs all the time. if they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling cheese wiz, circuit peanuts, little debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth. it's a great thing, though, about -- the great thing about cvs is you could buy the products that give you diabetes and buy the diabetes medicine all in one spot. i do give them credit, it's not easy to walk away from $2 billion to do the right thing. but ceo of cvs believes people

come before profits. and that's why he's fired. why you might not be able to buy cigarette, rest assured you can still roll an entire pack of it yourself with the three foot long receipt they give you for buying a box of tic-tacs. if you're a facebook user, have you seen the look back videos? i guess to celebrate, facebook made these minute-long personalized minute montages using your photos and status updates. they have music playing along. it's like mark zuckerberg made an in memorium video for each one of us. they're fun to watch. but when you think about it, it's pretty sad that we're sitting there wasting time looking back at all the time we wasted on facebook. e6r7b has been sha everyone has been sharing these videos. even some celebrities like bruce kardashian jenner.

♪ >> jimmy: justin bieber is still on a tear.

justin and a group of ten friends were on a private jet headed spoth super bowl. and they harassed the flight attendant to the opponent where they had to hide in the cockpit. and they were smoking pot to the point where the pilot had to put on oxygen masks. the best part of the story is justin's dad was on the plane smoking and harassing along with the rest of them according to the report. so for all of the folks asking where the hell are this kid's parents? now we know. when the plane landed in new jersey they were met by dea agents and police. they didn't find any drugs on board, but bieber admitted he was smoking pot and drinking. luckily for him, the flight crew decided not to press charges. they were free to go and do this in new york. apparently justin met a young lady. here's the thing. everyone treats justin bieber like an adult. he's not. he's a kid. he's still breast feeding for god's sake. give him a break.

system very exciting news from north carolina today. "american idol" season two runner-up announced he's runner upping for congress. i didn't know this, but north carolina turns out to be one of only four states that elects their congressmen via karaoke. it's true. he is seeking the seat currently occupied by renee elmers. he said he decided to put his entertainment on hold to do it. i feel like putting his entertainment on hold was a group decision made by all of us. but he posted a five-minute long campaign video to youtube today. and he said some interest things. >> so much of who i am was shaped in those early years and it's part of why i decided to run for congress. i've been fortunate in my life. and if you only know the part of the my story that begins with a golden ticket, something that still seems unbelievable to me even to this day. you might wonder what would qualify me to run.

>> yeah. >> well, it starts with a life i know all too well. >> do you have any salsa? >> if i got one small present, i would make it a present i would cheri cherish. >> clay, clay, clay, clay, clay, clay. clay! i need salsa. >> at least not like the kind you see on tv. >> wow. come on, clay. i need salsa, man. boring. >> jimmy: i like his running mate a lot. that's going to be good. i would like to see more "american idol" contestants running for office. governor sanjia has a nice ring to it. it's national weather person day. schools, roads, government buildings all cloes closed in the northeast because of the

winter storm. more than 3 flights were canceled today. governor christie advised residents to stay off the streets. not that he knows anything about any kind of problems on the streets. it's the first he's hearing about it, he just wants everything to be okay. you got it? a lot of my family back home in new york is very unhappy about this. i don't understand what the complaining is about. i saw a disney movie about everything being covered in ice. it seemed like a magical time of singing and princesses. it was 64 degrees in hollywood today. but people are dressed like they're hiking to the top of mount rainier. people are walking around in parkas and beanies, which is very insensitive to our friends in the northwest and mid east. i sent my cousin sal out to get people to answer for their crimes. >> i'm sorry i have on a sweatshirt. a vest, a sweater and a collar

shirt and a tank top. and under armour. because i'm an idiot. >> he's an idiot. >> i'm so sorry but it is 65. i have my scarf, my wool coat inside of it. sorry. >> you don't need it. >> no? >> all right. doesn't that feel better. refreshed. >> good. our camera man is salivating right now. what a pig. apologize to everyone on the east coast. >> put out to everyone from the east to the west. to the whole world, to the whole planet, to all the human kind. yes. i do. from my heart. >> apologize for what you're wearing. >> sorry for what i'm wearing. forgive me, please. >> yeah. and also that your hair is very long. >> and my hair is way too long. >> and that you have the chest hair of an orangutan. >> yeah, yeah, that, too. >> and that your eyebrows barry, barry refrain from connecting. come on. >> yeah, i know.

and i guess i'm sorry about that, too. >> i don't approve of this. and everyone in the east coast and midwest, they don't approve of it either. you have a jacket and a scarf. and you have the dog, practically naked, you know. >> i need to get a jacket for him. he's not used to this kind of cold. >> this is animal cruelty. give me the dog. you can't have this dog. >> no, no, my baby. wait. he has my dog! >> he better be kidding. >> can i have my dog back? >> jimmy: that is what happened. hey, we're going to take a break. we're going to knock on someone's door and give them $1.5 million cash. and hopefully they will be excited because if they're not, we're taking it right back from them. ashton kutcher, sarah paulson

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>> jimmy: instead of buying commercial during the super bowl, esurance got a spot after the super bowl game to give money to one lucky person. we're going to hand that person $1.5 million in cash. and here to help me with that, to give esurance's money away,

please welcome john krazinsky. you do the voice for esurace, right? >> i do. >> jimmy: have you ever given away $1.5 million before? >> no, i have not. >> jimmy: what would you do if you were to win? >> honestly? i would give half to you. i really love you that much. >> jimmy: i would buy myself a whole bunch of cars. my aunt chippy is live outside the winner's house right now. hi, aunt chippy. now, aunt chippy. i know this is an impossible request, but for the moment, you're going to have to keep your voice down. >> i'm so excited. i'm going to wet myself.

>> hi, aunt chippy. >> jimmy: john is here, too, aunt chippy. do you remember john from the wedding? >> what? yes, yes. hi, john. >> look at that. that's the money. you have the money with you. >> run! >> i'm trying to keep it dry. >> now, that's real money, right? >> yes, it is, jimmy. and those eyelashes, are they real? >> they're going to fall off because it's raining on us. >> jimmy: oh, it is. we can't say the exact location for safety reasons. but is that more or less money that you put in video poker machines living in las vegas. >> i made an investment. i kept the economy up. >> jimmy: all right. now john, what do we know about the winner whose door we're going to -- >> his name is john. he lives in northern california. but for his protection, we can't say where. 24 winner street. he's 29.

recently married. and he has a baby on the way. so he says. >> jimmy: how do we explain the camera truck outside of his house. >> we told him there are six potential winners and there are vans and cameras outside all of those houses and we'll pick one of them. but that's not true. there's only one camera crew and only one aunt chippy. >> jimmy: this is an historic life. this is the first time you've knocked on somebody's door and they'll be happy to see you. >> that's not nice. >> glad it's not your door. >> jimmy: are you ready? >> i am so excited and so ready. let's go and change this man's life. >> jimmy: okay. hopefully for better. all right. now, you go ahead and head towards the door. who is this guy with you? >> oh, i got all good looking guys, don't scare them away, jimmy. >> jimmy: all right, head to the door now. this is pretty exciting.

>> is that your house? >> jimmy: funny if you answered the door somehow. [ dog barking ] >> that's not the door, is it? the door is open. oh, a vicious animal. >> hi, is john here? >> come on out, john. come on, john. i'm aunt chippy from jimmy kimmel show. >> yeah? >> come on out. come on out. >> oh, my gosh. >> come on, come on. >> leave the dog inside. it's okay. >> jimmy: hey, john. john, can you hear us? >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is jimmy kimmel and john krazinsky. >> john, it's not a big deal, but you just one $1.5 million.

>> no! >> yes, yes, yes. [ applause ] >> it's real, it's real. >> and there it is right there. >> that's real money. >> jimmy: john, what's going through your head right now. >> i have no idea. that it's not real. >> i almost want to smell it. it's like monopoly or something. >> you should smell it. >> jimmy: yeah, smell it. it's yours. do whatever you want. make love on it. >> be careful going down the stairs. take a step down. take a good look. >> jimmy: oh, wow, you really are expecting a baby, aren't you? >> wow. yeah, we really are. >> inless than a month. >> we just thought it made the story better, but you're serious. >> jimmy: i think this is the

definition of the word dumbfo d dumbfounded. >> we are so happy for you. let me give you a hug. >> jimmy: well, yes. collations. . >> jimmy: john, how many tweets did you send? >> one. one single tweet. >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> imagine what one tweet can do to change the world. >> how did they pick him? >> how did i win? >> jimmy: it was random. is there any chance you'll name this child after aunt chippy? chip? >> potentially. i was actually thinking jimmy. >> jimmy: either one would be fine. >> but it's a girl unfortunately. >> jimmy: is there anyone you would like to tell go to hell? >> i don't think so. >> jimmy: you don't think so? that's good. congratulations to you guys. [ applause ]

i will say this. one of the negatives about pulling pranks on people all the time is that no one ever believes you when something like this happens. >> i thought i won. that's why you brought me. >> jimmy: you did a good thing. on the show, sarah paulson is here and music from the ahead and the heart. we'll be right back with ashton kutcher. i'm saving a ton of time by posting them to my wall. oh, i like that one. it's so quick! it's just like my car insurance. i saved 15% in just 15 minutes.

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, you know her from many films and tv shows, including "american horror story" and best picture nominee "12 years a slave." sarah paulson is here. and then - their latest album is called "let's be still" the head and the heart from the sony stage. [ applause ] >> jimmy: we have a big show for you tomorrow. the whole cast of the movie the monuments men will be here: george clooney, bill murray, cate blanchett, john goodman, bob balaban, and even matt damon will dare to show his stupid face on the program. if he thinks i forgot what happened last time, he's got another thing coming. you know what i'm talking about. our first guest tonight went from being a dumb guy on "that

70's show" to becoming a very smart guy who now owns about three-quarters of the internet. you can watch him work every thursday night on "two and a half men" please welcome ashton kutcher. >> we love you ashton! >> you're so skinny. you're so thin right now. you're like my cousin that i see at family reunions, pot lucks and stuff. every time i see you, it's like a different state of jimmy. and you're so thin right now. >> jimmy: don't worry, old jimmy will be back. >> are you just working out? >> oh, no, no. you want to know the truth? i starve two days a week. i'm note jo not joking.

on monday, i had a tangerine and two pickles. and on super bowl sunday, i had everything in the whole world. how you doing? >> you're so skinny. i don't even recognize you. >> jimmy: don't worry, i don't have any diseases. nothing contagious. >> you look really healthy. i'm happy for you. >> jimmy: you're as beautiful as the last time you were here. not one bit of your sparkle has worn off. >> thank you. >> jimmy: what's going on with you business wise. are you still on 30 different boards of directors? and owning things and having meetings and all that stuff? >> i try not to be on boards. >> jimmy: why do you try not to be on boards? >> boards is a large time commitment. >> jimmy: is it really? >> usually it's just like updates of, things are going this way and -- it's not really -- i find boards to be a bore. >> jimmy: you're part of uber. is uber everywhere or is it just

in l.a. and new york? >> it's global. we have -- so i have an investment fund. i'm a managing partner in an investment fund. we have investments in early stage start-up technologtechnol. uber was one of the first commercial technologies we invested in. >> jimmy: it's a great thing. this is a good step towards eliminating drunk driver because they'll come pick you up. just press your button on the phone. >> the problem with the cab, right, is you've got to give the guy the address. half the time if you're really drunk you don't know where you're at. it's pretty simple. just open it up, push a button and a car shows up and picks you up. and it's growing. i mean, it's global now. there's only some city where is there's some bizarre old, like antiquated legislation that doesn't allow it to exist there. which is basically like mafioso, like, village mentality of we're not going to let the new guy come in. like in miami, it doesn't exist

because of some dumb regulation that says it can't exist there. for a while in denver, they wouldn't have black cars in downtown. but -- >> jimmy: racism? >> no -- >> jimmy: oh, i mean, you mean actual blind cars. sorry, i got on another track altogether. it's february. >> with, like, uber cab or air b&b or any of these new peer to peer networks, you have old school monopolies and incumbents and old school governments that get kick backbacks from various people that don't want the new guy to come in. so they try to kick them out of their city. but the people are going to have what the people want. the people say they want uber. >> jimmy: what are some of these other businesses that you start up that you've been involved with that we might know? >> well, there's quite a few of them. well, one that i think i heard that you liked was a company

called washeyo. >> jimmy: i don't know about that. what is that? >> it's on demand laundry service. so for guys that, like me, who don't like to do laundry or dry cleaning. you push a button, schedule a time, they come pick it up. >> jimmy: is it the uber guys. a trunk worth of detergent. they could iron a few thing, too. something to think about. >> jimmy: do people pitch you ideas all the time? >> i get pitched quite a few. >> jimmy: does your family do this to you? no, it's not from my family. but there's these hacker conventions where folks go to sort of start-up companies. and there's always a pitch. i got one where a guy was, like, listen, there's, like, four square and that track where is you're at, right? and twitter tracks what you're doing right now. i want to track what you dreamed last night. and so you wake up in the

morning and everyone will post what they dreamed. i'm like i don't even remember what i dreamed. and if it was a good night i really don't remember what i dreamed. >> jimmy: can i tell you something, i think that's a good idea. i don't know it's a terrible idea. >> it's not a bad idea but i just don't know how excited people are going to be to use it. i don't know what the value of the data stream would be. >> jimmy: if we realize that 10 million people had the same dream about an earthquake or a death star or something. >> that could be hyper valuable. >> jimmy: maybe we could prepare ourselves. >> have you ever sat in a room and, like, just been hey, what did you dream last sniegt. >> jimmy: i ket gget bore recou my own dreams. unless they're sex dream thence it's a whole different thing. and by the way -- >> and now with the new thin jimmy, the -- >> jimmy: sure. they must be numbering in the dozens. you were the best man at your brother's wedding over the weekend. is that when that happened? when you're the best man at the

wedding, are you really the best man? or do you have a team of assistants that handle this stuff? >> no, no, i do the thing. my brother's wedding was a bachelor party that was converted into a wedding because there was a destination -- what's the deal with the destination bachelor parties and the destination weddings. we're flying oall over the place. it's getting a little aggressive, i think. i've been to a couple of them. >> jimmy: i'm explain it to you why there's a destination bachelor party. so you don't have to go home smelling like hooker. so he converted his bachelor party into the wedding. which was great. >> jimmy: he did? >> yeah. it was on the beach, really beautiful, really nice. but my brother still lives in the town where we grew up. all our high school buddies wither there. and it's weird when you run into your high school buddy, how quickly you revert back to high school.

because within, like, three hours we were playing -- you know that hallway game where you hit each other in the nuts. we were playing that game in, like, three hours. we've got drink and you're guarding. you have to guard the thing. >> jimmy: like a soccer player during a penalty kick for hours. you're sitting there. how do you hold a drink wheny you're doing this? >> jimmy: it's cutting into your uber business. how is "two and a half men" do you still feel like the new guy? >> it's the third year i've been there. i feel like i'm at home now. i thought it was going to be easy. to jump back into sitcoms. and it actually took me more time than i thought it would to sort of just get my sitcom sea legs again. and get back into the rhythm. and i feel like the show has really got a nice stride right now. >> jimmy: every day when you go into work, do they say thank you for not being charlie.

>> i'm trying to, like, skew towards where charlie was at where he left. i'll just try and edge in there. >> jimmy: you kind of owe him. because whatever you do -- >> a public plea right now with charlie. just shut the [ bleep ] up. seriously. it's three years later and you're still blowing me up on twitter? come on, dude. really? >> jimmy: there you go. charlie, leave the kid alone, for god's sake. ashton kutcher, everybody. we'll be right back with sarah paulson. time to complete your bachelor's or master's degree and prepare for a new career.

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♪ they lived. ♪ they lived. ♪ they lived. ♪ (dad) we lived... thanks to our subaru. ♪ (announcer) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. >> jimmy: our next guest is a star of both the golden

globe-winning and oscar-nominated movie "12 years a slave" and the golden globe and emmy-winning tv show "american horror story." basically, if it wins awards and upsets you, she's in it. please say hello to sarah paulson. [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's nice having you here. i get scared from scary stuff. >> me, too. i'm a bit of a wuss. >> jimmy: me, too. more than just a bit, actually. >> me, too. >> jimmy: it gives me bad dreams. >> it gives me bad dreams. >> jimmy: and there's no app to tell people about it. >> i was terrified kind of honestly by my father with the scary movies because i had a young dad. he was like 30 years old when i was 11. and my sister was 9. and he really just -- i think a young dude wants to watch what a young dude wants to watch and it

was "a nightmare on elm street." yeah, this seems good. this seems like a good thing to be watching when you're 11. >> jimmy: so you have a very bad father. >> he's a bad dude. >> jimmy: does he watch this "american horror story"? >> he does. i think out of just, you know, really exciting support for me. >> jimmy: i see. >> which is nice. but last year on the show in particular, i had a terrible amount of horrifying things to do. like i had to kind of stimulate some business with myself. >> jimmy: very familiar with that. yes. >> then i had to simulate some business with a man's business. while people were watching and everything. it was really just awful and it was on the tv for everybody to see. i got a facebook message from my dad being like dear sarah, that was the most riveting, i couldn't -- i was like dad, this is a little creepy.

i think he meant because, you know, i had a lot of dark twisted stuff to do. >> jimmy: the whole imagery is not what you want to hear. >> riveting? dad, why is your facebook profile picture blurry. let's just get it -- >> jimmy: maybe your dad should get off facebook. >> he could have just called me and said good job. i don't know why it had to be on the facebook. >> jimmy: good job is a nice thing to say. >> and why the word rivets while my hands with in my pants. >> jimmy: the show is set in new orleans. do you shoot it there or pretend? >> we shoot it there. >> jimmy: do you like it? >> it's a spooky city. it would not be for you. >> jimmy: i've been scared for different reasons. mostly the vomiting guys carrying me around like their prisoner. "12 years a save" won a golden globe. you i assume will be going to

the academy awards. >> i do think i am. which is very exciting. i've never had that experience. >> jimmy: were the golden globes fun? >> it was fun because you get drunk if you're doing it right. i decided to forego the champagne because i thought it would not make me drunk enough, quickly enough. >> jimmy: is that right? >> i think i needed to cut right to the -- >> jimmy: because it's only a four-hour show. >> i thought i would have to go to the bathroom a lot. i got a double tequila. and they take your food away eventual eventually. i didn't have the airline chicken or nice cold salmon to eat. i drank my tequila. then got another one. a double. we won the best picture and everyone goes up there. i was the drunkest person you've ever met. >> jimmy: especially considering the content of the film. >> whoo! oww! it was just not -- it was not good.

bam! we won! whoo! is. >> jimmy: in your face. >> in your face, "gravity. i was drunk. and we had to do a live thing on good morning america in the winner's room. that was also equally as terrible because i was three sheets to the wind. so what is it like to play this very dark woman? this very -- and i was like it's awesome. and she was just like, this is really -- i mean, it was live. there was nothing i could do about it. >> jimmy: who gave the acceptance speech? >> steve mcqueen, our director. very thick london accent. he called me the betty davis of america. and i was like betty davis is american. >> jimmy: maybe he meant the betty white of canada. it's possible.

>> i would have taken that, too. >> jimmy: i would have pointed to you and made you give the acceptance speech if i was him. >> this is amazing, man. whoo! >> jimmy: do something weird for the oscars. it's gong to be fun. >> i'm going to bring a flask. >> jimmy: bring an iv drip. and intoxicate yourself the very fastest way. i think that's a really good idea. >> congratulations on all your success. the tv show is american horror story, sarah paulson, everybody. the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony.

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>> jimmy: i'd like to thank ashton kutcher, sarah paulson, john krasinski and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first, this is their new al album "let's be still" here with the song "another story," the head and the heart.

♪ ♪ these are just flames burning in your fireplace ♪ ♪ i hear your voice and it seems as if it was all a dream i wish it was all a dream ♪ ♪ now i see a world a world turning in on itself ♪ ♪ are we just like hungry wolves howling in the night ♪ ♪ i don't want

no music tonight ♪ ♪ can we go on like it once was ♪ ♪ every time i hear another story ♪ ♪ of the poor boy lost his head ♪ ♪ everybody feels a little crazy ♪ ♪ but we go on living with it ♪ ♪ yeah they go on living with it ♪ ♪ these are just flames burning in your fireplace ♪ ♪ i hear your voice and it seems as if it was all a dream i wish it was all a dream ♪ ♪ can we go on

like it once was ♪ ♪ can we go on like it once was ♪ m every time i hear another story ♪ ♪ of the poor boy lost his head ♪ ♪ everybody feels a little crazy ♪ ♪ but we go on living with it ♪ ♪ yeah they go on living with it ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh yeah ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ i'll tell you one thing we ain't gonna change much ♪ ♪ the sun still rises even with the pain ♪ ♪ i'll tell you one thing we ain't gonna change love ♪ ♪ the sun still rises even through the rain ♪

♪ can we go on like it once was ♪ ♪ can we go on like it once was ♪ ♪ everybody feels a little crazy ♪ ♪ (can we go on) (like it once was) ♪ ♪ everybody feels a little crazy ♪ ♪ (can we go on) (like it once was) ♪ ♪ can we go on

like it once was ♪ >> tonight on "nightline." taken. one woman's journey to find her son, taken from her by the catholic church and given for adoption. it's an ongoing saga. "nightline's" cynthia mcfadden talks to the real life philomena. tonight, we meet the pope. can. >> extreme parenting. would you encourage your 8-year-old to do this? ? or this? pressuring kids to win at any cost. the parents and coaches pushing pea wees to dangerous limits. >> i don't care if you don't