>> have a great night. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, ricky gervais -- from "dancing with the stars", nene leakes -- and music from kongos -- with cleto and the cletones! and now, not a moment too soon, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ]

>> jimmy: thank you very for coming. today happens to be my wife molly's birthday, which is exciting because, especially exciting to me because there's only one more year and she can drink legally. she's 36 today. and of course, she got a lot of facebook messages wishing her a happy birthday. and one of the messages she got on facebook this morning was from my aunt fran, my cousin sal's mother. you know everyone has that relative, usually an aunt that posts immediately and incessa incessantly 1,000 times a day on facebook. she's posting and liking so much you can't even figure out how she does it? it's like she -- it's as if she's hired a team to work around the clock helping her weigh in on everything. well, in our family that person is my aunt fran. she's involved with every tiny little thing. she posts so many pictures and videos, if you only knew her on facebook, you would assume she was a meth head. but she's not.

she's my aunt. she once made me an owl out of macrame and it hung on my wall for many years in my bedroom. today my aunt fran sent my wife a message and said happy birthday, molly. in this crazy world out there, so glad my nephew found you. very sweet, right? and she linked that to a music video for a song called "molly" which was also very sweet. with that said, this is the song she dedicated to my wife on her birthday. ♪ do you know where i can find molly ♪ ♪ she makes me want to dance ♪ dance, dance ♪ dance, dance ♪ dance, sdans, ♪ dance, dance ♪ dance, dance ♪ please help me find molly

>> jimmy: semipornographic lesbian techno video about molly, the dangerous synthetic amphetamine. so happy birthday, molly. good golly, that would have been a good one, right? thanks to my aunt fran who has posted a video of me already saying this on her facebook page. a been a from south africa, kongos is here. also tonight, the new season of "dancing with the stars" a real housewife of atlanta, nene leakes is with us tonight. and the very funny ricky gervais is with us. i loved him, but a grown man named ricky, i don't know about that. adult men should have adult names, right, dickey?

>> that's right, jimmy. >> jimmy: we were almost obliterated by a giant asteroid today. according to nasa, a 100-foot wide asteroid came within 216,000 miles of earth at around 4:00 eastern time. the asteroid actually got closer to the earth than the moon. then the moon got all jealous and went through the earth's text messages. it seems far away. actually closer than john travolta got to pronouncing idina menzel's name right. they said if an asteroid that size were to hit the earth, the energy from the impact would be greater than that of a nuclear weapon. but really we're not in any great danger until aerosmith writes a song about it. but it was a close call for some of you in our studio audience waiting outside tonight. this asteroid just came through and wow. you're so lucky it just crazed

the top of your heads and that it was made out of foam rubber. $44 million was the budget on that. [ applause ] now you're patronizing me. you know, whenever an asteroid passes by earth, i like to curl my body up in a funny pose for archaeologists to dig up 10,000 years from now. today i was like this. i'm sure by now whether you're daiting or not, you know about tinder and grinder. these are apps that help single people find other single people to do a little something i call "it." they're very popular. and now there's a new app called, and i'm not sure how to pronounce it's pell 3 nder. it helps people coordinate threesomes. finally.

you don't want to deal with all that red tape. how does that work? you got a match and a match? and what's next? an app for people who want foursomes? this to me, i don't know it sounds like a great way to find someone to steal all your valuables in the middle of the night. i prefer to arrange threesomes, at the farmer's market every weekend. an overwhelming majority, only one person voted against it to decriminalize the possession of small amounts of marijuana. it used to be if you were caught with a joint in washington, d.c., you would get six months in jail, but if this gets signed into law, anyone charged with having an ounce of marijuana or less will be subject to a $25 fine. which is not -- it's not bad.

[ applause ] >> i want to show you who started that applause. our stage manager alex. in case we miss any cues tonight, you know why. thank you, alec. >> jimmy: public opinion on marijuana seems to be ever meda tv commercial started airing in new jersey. they put the ads there. the ad is for a website called marijuana doctors.com. what they do is hook marijuana prescribing doctors up with patients in states where it's legal. they connect them like grinder or tinder for pot users. it's stoner is what it is.

guillermo, trademark that right away. never mind. this is the commercial they made to promote it. >> yo, you want sushi? i got the best sushi. i got the finest sashimi you've seen in years. >> you wouldn't buy your sushi from this guy. why would you buy your marijuana from him? >> jimmy: i don't know. truth be told, if a person was high enough, he probably would have no problem eating sushi from that guy. coat sushi? awesome. it's a lot safer than pants sushi, i will tell you that. today is ash wednesday. otherwise known as hey, you have something on your forehead day. it's the beginning of lent. during lent, christians are encouraged to give up something we like for 40 days to prove that god doesn't want us to be happy and everything we love is a sin. but last night was mardi gras, the last day of the two-month

long street fest louisiana. there's a doctor in baton rouge who's been warning people to be careful handling the beads that are thrown at mardi gras. they can be covered in in debris. when women are flashing with beads, their hands are preoccupied with their shirts. the beads end up on the street and you get them in your mouth and your eyes and you die. hopefully there's a new product on the market that will make next year's mardi gras a far more sanitary affair. >> catching mardi gras beads can be a real headache until now. introducing boob pands. it allows you to pull up that shirt while boob hands do the work. thanks to its patented design. it can support up to 1,400 pounds of beads while maintaining comfort and a sexy shape. boob hands. $19.99 plus shipping and handling.

also great for baguettes. >> jimmy: that's what i got for my wife for her birthday. to celebrate the oscars this year, we made a series of star-studded movie trailers based on famous youtube videos. we'll have that coming up. >> portions of jimmy kimmel live is brought to you by michaels arts and crafts. visit michaels for everything rainbow loom.

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>> every year on oscar sunday we have a special after show. we try to get the biggest stars in hollywood to do ridiculous things for us. this year we stopped film adaptations of popular youtube videos. we remade charlie bit my finger, david after dentist, sweet brown and keybhord hat cat and hamster on a piano. lots s os of interest things h behind the scenes. we compipiled interviews into ts fascinating look inside the film-making process. >> is this real life? >> is this real life? >> charlie bit me. >> charlie bit me! >> what?

>> he is your brother. >> was my brother! >> yeah, i love working with meryl. she's very hands-on. very hands-on. >> i don't know which one was liam and which one was chris, but i just know they're both hot as [ bleep ]. >> hey, kid. is your name barack obama? >> it is. it was easy for me to play the role of president obama. because we were both born in africa. ♪ hamster on a piano >> it's not so difficult to play bears. i've played cats. but hamster, that's a challenge. >> it's a rainbow all the way across the sky! >> i didn't even know what it was about until i showed up and

i was pretty disappointed when i got here, i'll be totally honest. i thought it was a skittles commercial. >> he is coming for you. >> in the original charlie bit my finger video, there was no monk. i had to pull [ bleep ] out of midair. that's why they call me the magic man. >> i can't feel my face. >> let me tell you something, i have a hyphen as well. i have a hyphen. >> i have a hyphen in my name, too. that's my name. >> you know, jennifer jason leigh. neil patrick harris. samuel l. jackson. >> i don't have three names. i have two names and an initial, bitch. >> oh, charlie, that really hurt. >> you know, i heard mum saying

to dad, [ bleep ] i wish we never had liam. >> she wouldn't say that. >> not my mom. and dad said it, too. probably the [ bleep ] if i had to choose one son to die, it would probably be you. i couldn't believe he said it either. >> shut your mouth. >> nope. it will continue to talk, this mouth. >> i'm going to sleep with your wife. >> what? >> it's all about the snap. oh, no you didn't. oh, no you didn't. but just the whole time, that's what was going through my head. oh, no you didn't. you see? ♪ >> what drew you to the project? >> my accountant. he told me i needed to work. >> i learned a great deal, like

how to -- they talk me how to light my farts. >> ben, he likes to be called sir ben. i called him benny. he had a fit. anyway, the question was asked -- >> oh, please call me ben. feel free. >> sure. that's not what he said. call me sir or don't even be in the room. >> i call him benji. like a [ bleep ] dog. benji. >> some films you do for the material. and some you do for the fun. but some films you do because jimmy kimmel shows up at your house crying his eyes out like a little bitch. >> at some point in your career you're going to make a film where people are going to ask themselves, what the [ bleep ] is he doing? this is that for me.

what the [ bleep ]. >> kimmel has been really the pinnacle of the demise of my career. >> people say there's no great roles for black people in the movie, but this movie is evidence for that. >> it's bull [ bleep ]. i don't have time for this. >> what was the best part of doing this movie? >> this dope ass white jacket. i'm keeping this [ bleep ] when the shoot is over. >> the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing me to do this piece of [ bleep ] and like that, my career was gone. >> whoa! >> jimmy: i wish i could answer that question. thanks, everybody. tonight on the show, soon-to-be dancing star nene leakes is here. we have music from kongos and we'll be right back with ricky gervais.

>> it's me guillermo. see jimmy kimmel live in austin. i fight ninjas in my new movie. yeah. so i got the new nokia lumia icon. it's got 1080p video, three times zoom, and a twenty-megapixel sensor. it's got the brightest display, so i can see what i'm shooting -- even outdoors, and 4 mics that capture incredible sound.

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program. starting march 17th you can see her foxtrot, samba, and if you're luckymaybe even mambo, on season 18 of dancing with the stars. nene leakes is here. and then, with music from this album called "lunatic." making their television debut, kongos from the at&t stage. they're from south africa by way of phoenix, arizona. tomorrow night, aaron paul will be here, from scandal bellamy young will be with us. we'll have a new episode of our version of scandal telenovella "escandalo" and music from jetta too. and next week we're all piling in my dodge astrovan and taking the show to austin, texas for the south by southwest festival. celebrating the three m's: music, movies and meat. you can get all the information on those shows at

kimmelinaustin.com. our first guest is one of the funniest people in america and he's not even american, but he's here. his new movie alongside kermit, piggy, and tina fey is "muppets most wanted" it opens in theaters march 21st. please welcome ricky gervais. how are you doing? >> good. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you here. i have to tell you, maybe i told you last time, but probably once every couple of month, i watch this bit you did on comic relief in england. where you pretended to be in africa. and it is one of the funniest things i've ever seen in my life. it's on youtube. it's unbelievably funny. i watched it again today. i enjoyed it and laughed like an idiot the whole time. >> i make nothing from that. that goes to charity. >> jimmy: isn't that always the

way? i know you've had -- >> but thanks for watching it. >> jimmy: you've been performing as your character from the office from the original version of the office -- >> or "the office" as we call it in england. >> jimmy: you get that a lot here. it's funny because no one thought that show was going to work after your "the office" and then -- >> now people think i ripped off steve carrell. >> jimmy: do you ever run into that situation? >> yeah, it's fine. i do get the check. >> you've been playing big shows, big sellout shows. >> yeah. most people's favorite episode of "the office" the original office, that little english one that i did years ago, before steve carrell made it famous was episode four where brent got his guitar out. and, you know, there's a guy going through a bit of a mid life crisis. and i wrote a few songs, you know, and now i've written a few more and we've taken them out on the road.

i'm a fan of pop star myself. but it's still nice having a band behind you playing songs. >> jimmy: what's more fun than that? >> you know, we're big kids and we wish we were rock stars. so yeah. >> jimmy: all the comedians want to sing and all the singers want to be comedians. >> yeah, it's all mixed up. >> jimmy: you really were in a pop group. what year was this? i assume this was the '8s. >> it's 30 years ago. and i've got the same [ bleep ] hair cut. >> jimmy: when something works. >> what you're thinking is what happened? aren't you? >> jimmy: no, i'm anying you were a very handsome devil when you were gay. i don't know.

what kind of band was this? as if i have to guess. >> guillerm . >> it was a grunge band. we were trying to be a bit david bowie. >> jimmy: i see. what about this guy? >> what is that in pounds? i don't know. >> jimmy: i have no idea. what happened to this guy? >> i hope he got fat, too. immediately after that picture was taken, i discovered cheese. >> jimmy: you're better off with cheese. >> cheese is amazing. >> jimmy: you tweet a lot about cheese. >> i love cheese. this happens to everyone. what am i there? 18, 19, i thought i can eat what i want. i'm never going to get fat. >> jimmy: look at this. wow. i was the same way. as skinny as a rail.

then i don't know what happened. >> people think i'm embarrassed of how i looked then. no, that just reminds me of how i look now. you said something on your twitter account that would be a metaphor. you were talking about -- do you remember this about the cats and the -- oh, yeah.twitter laser walight, a wall and a million cats. it's like a social experiment for me. but it's also quite worthwhile and you try stuff out. also as an observational comedian, you have to g b aware of what's happening. i used to have to meet these maniacs.

now i can meet these people in institution safely from my hampton mansion. i feel like i'm investigating these crazy people in the world, and good luck to them. i feel like i'm agent starling but i don't have to get semen thrown in my face. >> jimmy: you have a beautiful way with words. >> am i allowed to say that? >> jimmy: i don't know. it's a medical term. well, i don't know, everything is a medical term. >> apparently you're allowed to say [ bleep ] but you're not allowed to talk about things going into [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: you'll hare allowed tl somebody [ bleep ] but you're not allowed to refer to the body part as that. >> oh. can you talk about things coming out of [ bleep ] because i've got loads of stories.

>> jimmy: i don't think so. >> i know a lot of doctors and they tell me some crazy stuff. i tell you. so you're allowed to say -- >> jimmy: it's very complicated and they're very secretive about how it goes. once on the show, we decided to show a picture of michelangelo's david. we zoomed in and zoomed to find out at what point it switched from art topography. and it turns out it's right when the penis is the only thing in the shot. you just get closer and closer. >> out of context. >> our standards and practices people blurred michelangelo's work on the show. the other time they blurred a stick figure, they blurred out the nipples in a stick figure.

>> so you can say [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: anything you want to try out? well, yeah, no, but -- because some words, they're okay in context, but i could say stick and i could say bang and i could say vainneiny, but if i say vei [ bleep ] -- >> jimmy: the combination. >> all context. some things sound rude and they're just not. spam sandwich. that sounds like a and it's not. i just like spam sandwich.

tradesman entrance. tradesman entrance around the back. it sounds so -- >> jimmy: we used to have a shop in las vegas where i grew up that said al's donuts in the rear and it made me laugh every single time. al was on a weird diet. well, we're going to take a break and talk about the mu muppets. that sounds dirty. we'll be right back. you get 4 lit's new at&t's network...ilies including unlimited talk unlimited text ...and 10 gigs of data to share. 10 gigs? 10 gigs. all for $160 dollars a month. you know, i think our family really needed this. it's really gonna bring us closer together. yep. yep. yep. yep. yep. yep. introducing our best-ever family pricing for instance, a family of four gets 10 gigs of data

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>> listen up.

you're hot. you're having a moment. but what is inevitable about a moment? it ends. >> i don't want this moment to end. >> that's why we have to capitalize on this moment with a capital c, yeah? i want you to conquer the world, do an international tour. show a global audience what you can do. >> yeah. >> wait a second, guys. i would love to do that, too. but we've barely gotten together. >> i'm inundated with offers for management. one direction, u2, cirque d cirque du soleil. >> wow, that's a good list. >> jimmy: what kind of restaurant has seating for 75 muppets at one table. >> that's the sort of party i want to go to. just loads of muppets. >> jimmy: did you watch the muppets as a kid? >> i did. i loved it. i had older brothers and sisters. ifts a kid, i thought it was my show and they were watching as

well. oh, it was on two levels. when i saw guys like john klees going on it, i thought okay, i get it. i watched "the muppet carol" once or twice a year. >> jimmy: even not around the christmas season. >> oh, around the christmas season. >> jimmy: because that would be just weird. >> christmas carol is the only way you could improve it is with muppets. >> jimmy: did you like working with the muppets? >> so much better than working with people. no, i loved them. i talked to them. i had to remember they weren't human beings. i'm a big kid. constantine is the new kid on the block who is an evil russian frog. he's like a mate. i wonder what he's doing now. he's in a bag in a box somewhere. i come back, when i go out and i have to do that. and at one point there's like

100 extras. you know, the extras aren't allowed to look at me in the eye. they're all standing there right. and constantine there and i'm just saying what did you have for lunch. he said i had chicken. he said was it good? he said it's okay. what did you have. i looked at the extras and they're all going -- just looking at me chatting to a frog. >> jimmy: somebody's lost a mind. >> the crusade don't tell him it's not a real frog. >> jimmy: it has to be real. you have to play it that way. >> i never really lost my suspension of disbelief. >> jimmy: by the way, your show derek on netflix is great as well. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: it's the kind of show you can actually get teared up watching. >> yeah. i think it sort of surprised people that it was more dramatic. >> my parents cried all the way through the whole thing. and they loved it, too. >> that's lovely, thank you. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here.

i wish you the very best with the muppets. ricky gervais. we'll be right back with nene leakes. >> portions of jimmy kimmel live is brought to you by michaels arts and craft. visit your local michaels for everything rainbow loom. ♪ ♪

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>> jimmy: welcome back. our next guest would already seem to have an advantage over much of her competition on "dancing with the staffers" in that she's got a wealth of reality tv experience and a first name made up of important leg parts. the battle for the mirrored ball trophy begins march 17th here on abc. please welcome nene leakes.

>> hi. >> jimmy: it occurs to me you're too tall to dance on "dancing with the stars." >> no, i'm not. who noticed that. >> jimmy: i just noticed that. >> i have long beautiful legs. i'm perfect for dancing. >> jimmy: do you have dancing experience? >> well, aye had some experience when i was in my 20s. i was an exotic dancer. and i have soul, hohn knney, so going to bring it. >> jimmy: if you do some exotic dancing, you could give lynn goodman a heart attack potentially. >> i plan to win a lot of the men votes. >> jimmy: do you have a strategy going into this thing? >> you know, my strategy is to bring a lot of soul, bring a lot of personalty. which i don't think all those olympic athlete people have. >> jimmy: no, no. because they're raised in, like, a little ice dancing community.

and they never get to speak to people. it's true. they're raised in igloos. >> i want to bring soul and energy and pop. >> jimmy: but you have to really practice. your dance partner is a very nice guy, tony. but they're doing a weird thing this year where they switch your dance partners at some point during the season. >> yes, i've heard. >> jimmy: i mean, that's a little bit strange, i think. you get used to somebody. >> well, i think, when i heard it, i didn't like it. but i figured, i will be with max. because everybody else is too short. >> jimmy: interesting. so my only issue is, i think max is a drill sergeant, so i really got to think about, you know, i love tony. so switching to max is -- >> jimmy: you guys have been practicing, you and tony. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: how much? >> four hours a day. >> jimmy: i want to know because i gamble on this stuff. have you had an opportunity to

see anyone else dance? >> no, i haven't had the opportunity to see them dance. i've seen them walk. >> jimmy: billy dean williams. how is he going to do? >> radioi think he'll do okay. i think he'll win a lot of ladies votes. he's a smooth operator. >> jimmy: he's lando also. he's going to get a lot of nerd votes. drew carey. >> ehe's super funny. he's lost a lot of weight. he's got permty as well. -- personality as well. >> jimmy: he's gong to be a problem for you. what about these guys? oh, wait a minute. i meant to say the olympic ice dancers. do you think it's fair that olympic ice dancers, gold medal winning olympic ice dancers are allowed to be a part of the dancing competition. >> to me it's not really fair because they're professionals. i just won the olympics.

they're skinny, they're young. you know, i think, no. but you know what i did see, i don't think they have soul. >> jimmy: i think you're right. they know how to do everything on skates. but you've got to do this in heels. >> jimmy: i don't even think they have souls. now this is a tough competitor. she swam around the world and strangled a shark to death. >> i think she's a great competitor. i think all of these people who are athletes, they have the endurance and stuff. so it's not fair. >> jimmy: what about her. she was winning on the wonder years. >> she's cute. i think the guys will like her because she's cute. >> jimmy: here's another cute tee, sean avery. >> people like him. they like his butt a lot. but can he shake his butt, though? >> jimmy: i don't know. y . >> i don't want you to start bething on the athletes.

the only thing the athletes have is muscles and endurance. they're very stiff. >> jimmy: what about coordination? >> maybe a little bit, yeah. a lot of them have a lot of footwork, but they're really stiff. >> jimmy: not all of them. emmitt smith won. there have been a few athletes. >> the hockey, and the skating people. >> jimmy: what about this guy from big time rush? james maslow. >> he's cute. >> jimmy: another ghie. cody simpson. >> he's young. >> jimmy: what about this guy? >> he's cute. are you a fan of his. >> yeah. >> jimmy: he's a producer on our show. candace cameron from "full house." >> i think she's do okay. >> jimmy: and this is the real wild card here. a paralympic snowboarder.

she's going to be dancing with artificial legs. how do the judges give her anythingless than a 10? >> i don't know. i don't know how she's going to do it. >> jimmy: you're going to have to take her out. you're going to have to do something. maybe even -- >> she's an athlete as well. >> jimmy: you're going to have to fake some kind of debilitating injury of your own. >> jimm >> i won't do anything like that. >> jimmy: then i won't bet on you. >> i'm begging for your vote. listen, i am going to bring it, okay? i am going to bring it. >> jimmy: okay. oh, that looks good. that does look good. if you bring it then you'll be set. good luck. we will be watching you. that's some diamond you have there. >> i'm very married. >> jimmy: when you get married

twice to the same guy you get a doubly sized diamond? >> yes, you do. >> jimmy: nene leakes, everybody. here on abc. we'll be right back with kongos. >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by at&t. rethink possible.

>> jimmy: i'd like to thank ricky gervais, nene leakes, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. nightline is next, but first, their album is called, "lunatic" here with the song "come with me now" kongos.

♪ ♪ come with me now come with me now ♪ ♪ whoa - come with me now i'm gonna take you down ♪ ♪ whoa - come with me now i'm gonna show you how ♪ ♪ whoa - come with me now i'm gonna take you down ♪ ♪ whoa - come with me now

i'm gonna show you how ♪ ♪ afraid to lose control and caught up in this world ♪ ♪ i've wasted time i've wasted breath ♪ ♪ i think i've thought myself to death ♪ ♪ i was born without this fear now only this seems clear ♪ ♪ i need to move i need to fight i need to lose myself tonight ♪ ♪ whoa - come with me now i'm gonna take you down ♪ ♪ whoa - come with me now i'm gonna show you how ♪ ♪ i think with my heart and i move with my head ♪ ♪ i open my mouth and it's something i've read ♪ ♪ i stood at this door before i'm told ♪ ♪ but a part of me knows that i'm growing too old ♪

♪ confused what i thought with something i felt ♪ ♪ confuse what i feel with something that's real ♪ ♪ i tried to sell my soul last night funny he wouldn't even take a bite ♪ ♪ far away --- .i heard him say come with me now ♪ ♪ don't delay --- i heard him say come with me now ♪ ♪ far away --- i heard him say come with me now ♪ ♪ don't delay --- i heard him say come with me now ♪ ♪ whoa - come with me now i'm gonna take you down ♪ ♪ whoa - come with me now i'm gonna show you how ♪

♪ afraid to lose control and caught up in this world ♪ ♪ i've wasted time i've wasted breath ♪ ♪ i think i've thought myself to death ♪ ♪ i was born without this fear now only this seems clear ♪ ♪ i need to move i need to fight i need to lose myself tonight ♪ ♪ whoa- come with me now ♪ whoa - come with me now i'm gonna take you down ♪

. tonight on "nightline," moment of crisis. with only minutes until disaster, these bystanders race to save three children. >> she went straight into the water. >> stuck in a car with their mother who is inexplicably drive into the atlantic ocean. >> what are they thinking about, man? >> why would she do this? and did the rescuers get those kids out in time? >> plus, this is the moment that could change everything for 17-month-old alex. for six months, we follow a family on a desperate search to give their child the gift of hearing with an