level bond he el up. >> thanks very much. that's our report. we appreciate your time writ new on j >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- mindy kaling, comedian jim jefferies, a special appearance by david spade, and music from dan croll. with cleto and the cletones. and now, till the end of the program, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching.

thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for the beautiful reception. that's very nice. i appreciate it. by the way, in case it slipped your mind, i'm going to remind you that midnight is approaching and we are minutes away from april fool's day. so don't forget to turn your friends' clock back an hour. [ laughter ] you know, april fool's day kind of sneaks up on you. it's easy to forget to come up with an idea of something good to do to your loved ones. and then once they realize what day it is in the morning it's too late. but if you're up now, you're watching while your husband or wife or kids or parents are asleep, you have the upper hand. i mean, it's almost -- [ laughter ] it's almost like they're asking you to do something to them. good to come up with your own thing. i like to come up with custom pranks specifically tailored to the individual. i like to expose their fears, their weaknesses, et cetera. [ laughter ] if that's too much to think about, here are a few april fool's ideas for tomorrow morning and tonight that you can do and they're easy. they're using things around the house.

you can fill a sock with baby powder and hit them with it. [ laughter ] cut the butt out of their pants. [ laughter ] shake their bed and pretend like it's an earthquake. that's a good one if you're in l.a. [ laughter ] switch out their shampoo with soup. [ laughter ] this is good for kids. this is a cute one. replace, take all the breakfast cereal out of the box, replace it with golf balls. [ laughter ] paint their toe s.nails while they're sleeping, then post the pictures on their facebook page. [ laughter ] send a middle of the night text to their boss that says "you up, dummy?" [ laughter ] replace all the money in their wallet with ham. sliced ham. [ laughter ] sign your grandma up for tinder. [ laughter ] and sign your grandpa up for grinder. [ laughter ] and if you do, share the joy by getting video of that and uploading it to youtube with the title "hey jimmy kimmel, happy april fool's." that way we can find your video and we can play some of our favorites on the show tomorrow. and of course our lawyers ask me

to ask you not to harm anyone or damage any property while conducting this social experiment. meanwhile, i'm planning to crazy glue him to the toilet tomorrow after lunch. [ laughter ] if you happen to get it on video, upload it to video with the title "hey jimmy kimmel, happy april fool's." that way we can find it. and make sure you put -- check your youtube account. you get messages on that. for a message from us. and happy april fooling. guillermo, do you pull april fool's day jokes? >> no, no. >> jimmy: you do not? ever? >> no. >> jimmy: nothing on your family? >> no, nothing. >> jimmy: may >> jimmy: tomorrow nothing? >> maybe i'll try. >> jimmy: i don't want to force you into anything. we had a cluster of earthquakes. friday night a 5.1 magnitude earthquake and a bunch of its friends hit la habra, which is about 25 miles south of us here in hollywood. earthquakes are god's reminder that you shouldn't be sleeping in a bed from ikea. [ laughter ] it's true. of course it's big news here whenever there's an earthquake. there was a reporter from our

local channel 5 right next to our theater when the quake hit, and you can see here, he was on the street, people were pretty shaken up. >> probably about ten minutes transpired, i saw on social media there had been an earthquake. i immediately ran into this coffee bean right here and asked the workers behind the desk. they didn't feel a thing. i then walked over to the baja fresh just around the corner here. they too did not feel a thing. we're -- anybody out here, did you feel the earthquake, sir? >> i didn't feel a thing. i was on the road. >> did you feel the earthquake? >> i was on the road. >> everybody was on the road here. okay. >> jimmy: okay. good report. he saw on social media there was an earthquake. nobody felt it. [ laughter ] but he went out and -- so please keep us in your prayers. [ laughter ] down in orange county they definitely felt it. there was some damage to homes and businesses. this is a video. school musical was under way just a few miles from the epicenter. drama students at brea linda high school were in the middle of a production of bye-bye birdie when the not so big one

hit. ♪ [ screaming ] >> ladies and gentlemen, please stay seated. please stay seated. please stay seated. please remain -- ladies and gentlemen, it is an earthquake. >> yes. the good news was no one had to sit through the rest of "bye-bye birdie." [ applause ] busy weekend in college basketball. the final four is now set. it's an unexpected group. guillermo might even win our office pool. you know that, right? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: what are the combinations that you will win the office pool? >> wisconsin win and -- what's the name of the other one? >> jimmy: he puts a lot of thought in this. [ laughter ] you come to our country. we put you on tv. and now you're winning our office pool. >> how do you say?

uk? >> jimmy: oklahoma? what? >> the one who's playing florida? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: never mind. if you win, are you going to keep working here or -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: -- are you going to retire? you will stay. okay, good. wisconsin won their spot in the final four by beating arizona saturday night. that did not go well in tucson. hundreds of angry wildcat fans spilled into the streets after the game. some of them threw bottles and fireworks at police. the police responded by firing pepper balls into the crowd. and people like -- watch this guy. this guy -- not that guy. but this guy. he just keeps moving forward like general zod. and then of course they violently tackle him to the ground. [ cheers and applause ] someone's been watching too much of "the walking dead" is what's happening. [ laughter ] some news organizations described it as a riot. i don't know if it was a riot. no one was seriously hurt.

there were only a handful of arrests. and it was over by 10:00. that's not a riot. [ laughter ] look at this. people were taking selfies here. [ laughter ] if you're able to take selfies, it isn't a riot. it's like a diet riot maybe tops. i want to take a moment to wish a happy birthday to batman. batman yesterday was the 75th anniversary of the first time batman appeared in a comic book. he spent a quiet evening at home watching netflix with robin. i love batman. he's a unique superhero. he's the only one that really ever took a stand against clowns. [ laughter ] you know? and now he's 75. which explains why he wears his belt up around his nipples. [ laughter ] this is incredible. one of the poor bastards that works here had to wash "the 700 club" every morning. and i'm glad he does because this morning pat robertson, who's the host of "the 700 club," this is a guy who's been around forever, he ran for president once, he's promoting afinancial segment they had coming up later in the show, a segment featuring a rabbi.

i'll let his words represent themselves. >> welcome, folks. we've got a tremendous program today. how come jews have more money than a lot of people? how come they're successful? we have a rabbi that's going to tell us the secrets of financial prosperity. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how uncharacteristically generous of him. [ laughter ] so that happened. the real opening day for baseball today. 13 games across the country. my new york mets began the season just the way i imagined they would, with a 9-7 loss to the nationals. [ laughter ] playing mets baseball already. we thought it would be fun to honor the start of the new baseball season, by playing a game called "will they catch it?" it works like this. we sent my cousin sal on hollywood boulevard. he threw pop flies to random passers-by. we've done this before, to great success. and the way the game works, we'll see sal throw the ball, we'll stop the video, and then we will all try to guess whether

or not that person makes the catch. all right? let's begin. >> hey, ladies. first of all, i'm married. so don't think of doing anything stupid. secondly, can i throw you a baseball? >> sure. >> okay. good. grab a glove. all right. you still have your bags. that's a good sign. here it is. it's up. >> jimmy: and? will they catch it? [ audience responds ] a few yeses. mostly nos. >> oh. right through the legs. >> jimmy: all right. who else? >> can i throw a ball to you? and can you catch it? come on. put a glove on. you can do it. don't be scared. how else are you going to learn? here. put this glove on. put this on. put your hand in there. all right, lady, you ready? >> jimmy: will she catch it? [ audience responds ] most everyone thinks yes.

let's see. >> nice catch! [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's harder when you have a visor like that. all right. next. >> what the hell are you supposed to be? an astronaut. where are you from? >> space. >> oh, you're from space. okay. grab a glove. i'm going to throw you a ball. already, crazy lady. i don't know what you're doing, but i'm going to throw you this ball. it's -- >> jimmy: will the astronaut from space catch it? [ audience responds ] let's see. >> good throw. >> jimmy: i don't know what that was. >> you've got the dodger hat on, right? >> you know it, baby. >> can i throw you a baseball? the braves? how about both of you grab a glove? come on. we can do this together. all right, fellas. fight for it. okay? it's up there. >> jimmy: will they catch it? [ audience responds ]

we're about 50-50 on this one. >> oh! wow! take that. [ applause ] >> jimmy: stole that one. all right. next. >> spongebob. >> yeah. >> if i threw you a ball do you think you could catch it? >> oh, yeah, probably can. >> all right, spongebob. this one's yours. it's up there. >> jimmy: will spongebob catch it? [ audience responds it ] no. >> no. >> jimmy: and finally -- >> oh, boy. do i have a baseball for you. can i throw you one? >> yeah. >> all right, lady. now, if i hit you in the face, i'm really, really sorry. here we go. >> jimmy: will she catch it? [ audience responds ] we're mixed on this one. >> yes! good catch! [ cheers and applause ]

all right. there you go. all right. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. when we come back, david spade has something special for us. mindy kaling is here. jim jefferies is here. and music from dan croll too. it will be good. come on back. ♪ alright, that should just about do it. excuse me, what are you doing? uh, well we are fine tuning these small cells that improve coverage, capacity and quality of the network. it means you'll be able to post from the breakroom. great! did it hurt? when you fell from heaven? (awkward laugh) ...a little.. (laughs) im sorry, i have to go. at&t is building you a better network. it's more than itchy eyes and sneezing it's annoying sinus pressure and tough nasal congestion

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. mindy kaling, jim jefferies, and dan croll are here. are any of you familiar with the term "conscious uncoupling"? [ cheers ] this is a phrase that's been getting a lot of attention since last week, when gwyneth paltrow

and chris martin announced they're separating. gwyneth called their separation a conscious uncoupling, which i guess is supposed to mean it's an amicable, blame-free split. i don't know. i still blame myself. [ laughter ] i feel like i could have done more to help them. but the phrase was apparently coined by a psychotherapist named katherine woodward thomas who was rewarded for her creativity with a spot this morning on the "today" show. >> last week's estimate between actress gwyneth paltrow and coldplay front man chris martin is getting more attention for the way it was described, conscious uncoupling, rather than the split itself. >> katherine woodward thomas coined this now famous phrase. good morning to you. >> good morning. >> okay. not even a week ago you're minding your own business. yes, you have this concept. you were doing some seminars on it. gwyneth puts it in a statement. and then what happens? what's the last week been like? >> oh, it's been amazing. first of all, i just want to say how sorry i am for gwyneth and chris that they're going through this. but things -- i just am so grateful to them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you for going

through this horrible break-up so that the world will pay more attention to my nonsensical psychobabble. [ laughter ] because you know my book is number 6 now on the amazon personal transformation charts. [ laughter ] oh, before we go further, i want to introduce you to a new employee. it's somebody we just hired behind the scenes here at the show. it's time for new employee spotlight. we have it? please say hello to our new segment producer david s. there he is. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. welcome. welcome. it's great to have you here. >> hey, daddy. >> jimmy: just call me jimmy. it's fine. >> i just thought since everyone who works here is related to you i should call you daddy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, jimmy is good. david, explain what your job here is. >> great. well, jimmy finally ran out of

underqualified relatives to give jobs to, so he asked me to produce the guest interview segment. >> jimmy: that's correct. and tell them what the segment producer for guest interviews does at a talk show. >> i sit down with the guests before the show and then i hash out some cute personal stories that they can tell when they're out here about their stupid kids or their dumb vacation. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: right. it's called preinterviews. and i understand you did a preinterview with julie bowen from "modern family." >> yes, i do. >> jimmy: well, first of all, let's see how he did. >> miss bowen. hi. >> hi. >> excuse me. i'm sorry. do you want me to come back? >> no. are you the producer? >> yeah. >> nice to see you. i'm the segment producer. >> you look really familiar to me. >> no. >> yeah. were you ever on tv? >> no. not recently. [ laughter ] i get brad pitt a lot. from my mom. i'm kidding. i'm being facetious. let's get started. i mean, we've got a lot to go over.

and we're going to have some fun. you are great. and jimmy's great. you are great together. and you have great chemistry. it's going to be a great show. >> great. i think we've got great covered. >> we do. you're so fast on your feet. you're so good. stuff like that. that's what we want out there. do you have any stories? what do you want to talk about? gem has stuff but what do you want to talk about? >> actually i have a good story. a couple of friends of mine and i were out at night. it was at a bar -- >> can i stop you? >> yeah. >> this isn't poopy humor, is it? i'm just guessing. because he doesn't like scatological like diarrhea jokes. >> no. actually, it's not. it's not really that poopy. >> i just want to let you know. we want to be upbeat, upbeat, fun, fun, fun. fun show. anyway, jules. let's get back to -- >> it's julie. >> wow. okay. julie, huh? >> uh-huh. >> okay. if we've got an attitude problem, we have ann vanderpump

circling the building. >> i got it. >> she's on the housewives something. what's the last letter? i don't -- >> ny? oc? i don't know. could i get back to my story? because i have you this one i think you're really going to like. >> by the way, what are you going to wear? >> what am i going to wear? >> not something with your boobs out. because we're not trying to make a love connection here. overall, i would just say don't flirt too hard, don't throw yourself at him. don't give him your number. don't act like a whore. i'm just saying this just -- this is like tough love. you sometimes come off whory on talk shows. like this is agents and publicists telling me this. i'm trying to be your friend. i'm just making you aware of it so if possible you could tone it down. >> maybe no deodorant. >> yes. >> no problem. >> because he's a guy and you're a marginally attractive woman -- >> hey, maybe i could just tell you what my story is because i have a good story. >> do you have a story that will go viral? >> i -- yes. >> do you have a big story? >> wait a minute. i do. >> finally, we've stumbled into

a nugget. >> okay. i've got one. >> okay, good. finally. >> i'm saving it for arsenio. >> you [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i like it. >> thank you. hey. >> jimmy: david spade. good for you. thank you very much, david. >> thank you, buddy. >> jimmy: that's so good of you to do. you know, david has a new comedy special. he's not just out here -- >> for my health. >> jimmy: for his health or benevolence. it's called "david spade my -- good-bye, david. it premieres may 4th on comedy central. what just happened? did david get the hook? i hope he's all right. jim jefferies is here with us. we have music from dan croll. and we'll be right back with mindy kaling. [ cheers and applause ]

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>> jimmy: tonight on the

program, his show "legit" airs wednesday nights at 10:00 on fxx. the very funny jim jefferies is here. he's australian, so be accent-ready. and then, his new album "sweet disarray" comes out tomorrow. all the way from england, dan croll from the at&t stage. you can see dan croll at the el rey here in l.a. this friday. tomorrow night, david duchovny will be here. from "the walking dead," duneye gurira will join us. we'll have stand up comedy from pete davidson. and later this week -- emma stone, manny pacquiao, from "scandal" jeff perry. we'll have music from school boy q, and on wednesday night, former president bill clinton will be here. question number one -- eight years in office, did you look at the files on the ufos? i'm going to find out the answer to this. [ applause ] our first guest tonight is the most powerful mindy in all the world. her popular show "the mindy project" returns with new episodes tomorrow night on fox. please welcome mindy kaling. [ cheers and applause ]

well, hello there. >> hi, jimmy, how are you? >> jimmy: good to see you. and congratulations. you are -- well, your name is on the cover of "vogue" magazine. [ laughter ] >> i'm on the cover. >> jimmy: you are on the cover. with the west -- the westashian family. >> very controversial cover. >> jimmy: yes. very controversial. why was it controversial? i don't know what goes on in fashion. >> what's so nice about it was that i feel like more people bought it because of the controversy. >> jimmy: i bet, yeah. >> and i'm like, whoa, who's that smoking hot babe? >> jimmy: yeah. look at that. [ cheers and applause ] there you are reclining, in repose. >> this makes me be like why do i ever smile?

i'm always grinning. it's better to look like no one can please you. [ laughter ] and look at me like laying like that. >> jimmy: you do look dangerous almost in that. >> right? >> jimmy: yes. >> like one of those women that sleeps with james bond like to kill him. >> jimmy: that's exactly what you look like. you look like you're about to murder a british spy in this photograph. [ laughter ] >> can we just say the thing about the cover was i feel like my name like -- i'm like photobombing it. like there's this big controversy and i'm like but look, i'm here. i didn't piss anybody off with my marriage. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's the shape issue also. and the fittest women on earth. the whole thing. does that make you feel like a role model of some kind? when you're in the shape issue. >> by the way, i'm one of the fittest women on earth. that's like an olympian or something. >> jimmy: oh, it's the fittest woman on earth. i read that wrong. >> maybe they didn't look very hard for the fittest women on earth. if they're like mindy kaling. i'm fine. i'm doing good. i'm just look -- >> jimmy: you brought a

photograph here. why did you bring this photograph? this is a red carpet -- >> so the thing about the issue, which was so nice, i got a lot of tweets and nice like "you go girl" comments and tweets to me because of this interview i did in "vogue" where i said this thing that didn't seem controversial at all to me, which is that i am a woman who i'm always trying to lose a lot of weight but i don't want to be skinny. and people were like that's so great that you've said it. and i didn't think that was so weird. that's like every woman i know feels that way. >> jimmy: yeah. of course. >> but it's like -- i don't know. i wear these outfits and stuff. >> jimmy: uh-huh. like this. >> and it's like this weird -- i live in -- because i'm not skinny but i'm an actor, which is virtually -- that never happens in the world, regular size people and actresses. it's good. it's nice. but i also am like the recipient of a lot of kind of backhanded compliments about it. where people are like, it's so nice that mindy kaling doesn't feel she needs to subscribe to the ideals of beauty that other

people -- [ laughter ] and i'm like, i do subscribe. they're like it's so refreshing that mindy feels comfortable to like let herself go and be a fat sea monster. [ laughter ] and i'm like, i -- by the way, i like run and work out. it takes a lot of effort to look like a normal slash chubby woman. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the way they talk about it, they're like she's a pioneer because she's like -- she's glued to her sofa. [ laughter ] this new style. showing a little midriff. and unless you have problems, for most women that's like a nice little area right under your bra. people were like oh, first of all, some people were pretty mean about it. but some people were like, she's

just so courageous. [ laughter ] aren't surgeons courageous? >> jimmy: like a firefighter. >> do you face any of that stuff as a snan. >> jimmy: i get backhanded compliments all the time. and i don't think they're even compliments. they're backhanded remarks is what they are. "wow, you've lost a lot of weight." yeah, i -- no, you've lost a lot of weight. you were very heavy. [ laughter ] i wasn't that heavy, i -- you know. i was kind of normal. no, no. i can see it in your face. [ laughter ] >> yeah. you're like i bought my suits at a regular store. i wasn't like -- i didn't -- >> jimmy: it's kind of -- in a way, and you don't know how to react because it might be a compliment. it's hard to find it in there, wherever it is hidden. >> and it's like you know my show, i like date guys. it's a dating show. trying to find love. if that like makes girls feel like you can be normal and get

married and have sex, which largely tv tells you you can't do, then great. but you also are like -- you don't want to be the face of like stay puft mpuft marshmallo people. when you're a narcissistic vain person and you want to be a role model it's constantly -- yeah. >> jimmy: speaking of dating guys on the show, and of course it's acting. but is that like a perk? because i think if a guy was doing that -- >> it is the single best thing about my job. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is it really? >> i feel sorry for you -- wonderful job. i feel sorry for you. you can't organically kiss the actresses who are on your show. i have the best deal worked out in the world. >> jimmy: and you get to decide what goes on. >> oh, my god. i kiss some actors. and then they leave. i get to find out about march madness and all that crap i don't care about. they come on the show.

we smooch. and i find that largely guys are like psyched to be able to do that when they're acting. they're like oh, cool, my wife can't get mad at me, this is paying the bills. >> jimmy: yeah, right. [ laughter ] absolutely. of course they do. it's a little break in the monotony is what it is. you were in -- you were at south by southwest -- >> i've got a question for you by the way. >> jimmy: you're not. our more a pimp. >> i'm a pimp. >> jimmy: you're a pimp. the actors you're bringing in are the prostitutes. let's be honest. >> yes. i'm a -- what is it? human trafficker. >> jimmy: yes. [ laughter ] >> of men. handsome men. it's okay. they don't get human trafficked that much. >> jimmy: what are you looking for, while you're human trafficking these guys in and out? i mean, who's your ideal -- what's your ideal man? >> i think it's like handsome. smart and rich. it's everybody's. i mean, that's what everybody -- funny. i think like funny is the best. i just went to austin. >> jimmy: yeah. we were there too. >> yeah.

amazing. you were there the whole week. >> jimmy: yeah, it was great. >> i went when it was raining the entire time. so to me austin's like seattle. i went there. i was like i'm going to meet my husband here because austin, it's like artsy but it's texas. so i was like, oh, an artsy cowboy. that's who i want to marry. like an artsy guy who like eats steak. you know? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there aren't that many of those, are there? >> no. i love artsy guys. but the problem is in l.a., i eat -- like i was saying, to keep this i run like three miles a couple times a week. but i eat like a guy who's 6'3". so i have to do it. and i thought like, that would be kind of cool. austin seems like a place -- but i didn't meet anyone. >> jimmy: you didn't meet your husband? >> i just ordered barbecue room service. [ laughter ] and i watched "anchorman 2" and ate like a barbecue sandwich on my bed. >> jimmy: so it was like will ferrell is your husband. and he's just kind of the guy you're describing in a way. >> it was nice.

you're making it sound sadder than it was. [ laughter ] it was pretty sad. >> jimmy: to me it sounds ideal. it doesn't sound sad at all. keep bringing those men in, slobbering on them and sending them on their way. >> i don't know how i came across this evening. i feel at one point i said i'm a human trafficker. >> jimmy: i think you did. yeah. >> first indian woman ever to be a human trafficker. but i'm not. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think we know you're not. [ cheers and applause ] that's one thing i've always said about you, mindy. mindy kaling, not a human trafficker. not at all. "the mindy project" airs tuesday nights 9:00 on fox. new episodes are back this week. we'll be right back with jim jefferies. mindy kaling, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by new vaseline men's spray

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back. still to come music from dan croll.

our next guest is a comedian from australia who was so funny they asked him to leave their country. he is here with us now with a show called "legit," you can watch it wednesday nights at 10:00 on fxx. please welcome jim jefferies. [ cheers and applause ] good to see you again. >> thank you for having me back. >> jimmy: i enjoyed our time together last time you were here. >> i did as well. but i have to give the public an apology for last time i was here. >> jimmy: to whom? >> last time i was on the show -- my mom's grotesquely fat, right? and last time i mentioned that and she took offense to it. >> jimmy: you did, yeah. >> i didn't think she would watch the show. she watched it and she goes, "i watched the jimmy kimmel show." my mother was on a luxury cruise and she got deep vein tlom bose

sxis had to go to the hospital. it's a blood clot you get in your leg from not moving. people get it on economy flights. my mother got it on a luxury cruise. that's very rare. all right? [ laughter ] and so my mom goes, you have to go back on the jimmy kimmel show and tell america you're a liar. [ laughter ] i said but it happen. she goes i did not get deep vein thrombosis on the boat. i got it at home. they diagnosed it on the boat. [ laughter ] i would like to tell america that i'm a liar and my mother got a disease from not moving at home. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: i'm glad you cleared that up. i also like the fact that your mother has a deeper voice than you do when you imitate her. [ laughter ] is this the first time your parents have been upset with something you've said about one of them? >> not particularly. yeah. the next episode of "legit" that's airing on wednesday we taped -- my dad who's played by george latham, he's taken to a

brothel, and that's loosely based on a real story. so i assume i'll get another call on thursday. >> jimmy: george lazenby was james bond. >> for one movie. >> jimmy: so your dad has to be excited about that. >> my dad went down to his long bowl club and he goes, i'm james bond, i'm james bond. [ laughter ] and they all went, are you roger moore? no, not him, no. sean connery? no, i'm not bloody sean connery. he wouldn't do my son's tv show. [ laughter ] the other one. timothy dalton? my dad rings me up and says can you spell his bloody name for me? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: last time you were here you just had a son. >> i had a son with a girl that i'd known for two months who played a prostitute on my show. [ laughter ] and we're still together. >> jimmy: you are. oh. >> my son now is like 16, 17 months or something. and -- [ laughter ] i love him, and i like his mother a lot. >> jimmy: you do?

[ laughter ] >> even when the child's like 16, 17 months old you're still getting to know the person. my girlfriend used to be a model in miami back in the day. she's not now. i didn't get the model years. [ laughter ] what happened was it turned out she led a lot more exciting life than i've ever led. and it pisses me off. like we're in the car. this is the exact conversation. we're in the car. my son's asleep in the back. madonna's on the radio. and my girlfriend goes, "oh, i used to party with madonna." and i went, you what? she goes, oh, i used to party with madonna. she had a house in miami and we used to go to her house and party. like madonna had these big parties and you were -- she goes, no, no, me and madonna and like another person or -- i said, well, how did you know

madonna? and she goes, well, i used to date the center from the miami heat. now, soon as you -- soon as you find out that the mother of your child used to date an nba center, even if this guy's mildly in proportion, then -- now i know why the birth was so easy. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i am sitting and feeling inadequate. she goes what do you mean? she says he was best friends with dennis rodman. dennis rodman used to date miami -- >> madonna. >> madonna. >> jimmy: well, i think you might be right on that one. >> he used to date madonna. and she goes we used to go to her house and get all messed up. and then she goes, one night one thing led to another. and then i went, shut up! [ laughter ] and i slammed the foot on the brake.

the kid starts crying. she goes what's wrong? i go "i know what one thing led to another means. you're all having sex." she goes, yeah, that's what happened. [ laughter ] [ applause ] she goes, why are you upset by this? i said i don't want a picture of my girlfriend having sex with madonna's muscular male body with dennis rodman in the corner just licking his lips going, mm, mm. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't? >> that stains the relationship for me. then she gets angry at me. she goes what do you care for? she goes you party way more. i say that's not true. i've gotten wasted way more often just by myself. [ laughter ] but i am in no way -- like you know what it's like, guys that look like me and you. you're better-looking than me. >> jimmy: no. >> struggling comedians. before you make it. struggling comedians, we don't party. >> jimmy: no.

>> we get messed up. but -- >> jimmy: we eat. >> yeah, we eat. i'll tell you what partying's like. it would be like seven guys at 5:00 in the morning, we're all sitting around a coffee table looking at each other. one of us is talking conspiracy theories. [ laughter ] and the rest of us are talking about where women might be. and one of us has come up with a plan. and the plan goes like this. well, nurses will be finishing their shift soon. [ cheers and applause ] and if we all just stand at the front of the hospital, they'd probably appreciate seven funny guys. i think i partied like my girlfriend used to party once in my life. it was once at like a porno thing in vegas. it was at a back room where security just bring you women and they go no, no.

and they drag them away. oh, what did i do wrong? i just turned 30. and then that happened -- that doesn't happen to guys like me. it happened to me once. and it's amazing. when a man parties that hard, you wake up with a bit of remorse. you just go oh, my god, i partied so hard last night, i spent $4,000. when a woman parties that hard, she wakes up and goes, oh, my god, i partied so hard last night, i made $4,000. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: jim jefferies, everyone. the show is called "legit." it's very funny. watch it wednesday nights 10:00 on fxx. we'll be right back with dan croll. [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. rethink possible. [ grunting ] i'm taking off, but, uh, don't worry. i'm gonna leave the tv on for you.

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most people don't know how to choose a new dentist. that's where we come in. we've helped over 8 million people find the right dentist, and we can do the same for you. call 1-800-dentist today. ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. rethink possible. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank mindy kaling, jim jefferies, david spade, and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, this is his album. it's called "sweet disarray." it comes out tomorrow. here with the song "from

nowhere," dan croll! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ every now and then i fall every now and then i lose control ♪ ♪ but in your eyes i see your thoughts surrounding me ♪ ♪ and i've a little bit of thought for you ♪ ♪ 'cause every now and then i fall a bit behind every time i stare into your eyes ♪ ♪ 'cause every now and then i fall a bit behind

every time i stare into your eyes ♪ ♪ with your thrills i find it's not hard to be left behind so i'll run and ♪ ♪ you'll hide we know better than to stay outside you're cold and you're awake ♪ ♪ you said i should never have stayed but there's no better place for me ♪ ♪ 'cause every now and then i fall a bit behind every time i stare into your eyes ♪ ♪ 'cause every now and then i fall a bit behind every time i stare into your eyes ♪ ♪

♪ 'cause every now and then i fall a bit behind every time i stare into your eyes ♪ ♪ 'cause every now and then i fall a bit behind every time i stare into your eyes ♪ ♪ every time i stare into your eyes every time i stare into your eyes ♪ ♪ every time i stare into your eyes every time i stare into your eyes ♪ ♪ chrpz hrpz

[ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline." tonight, inside the model factory. this small corner of the planet gave us gisele and alessandra. >> she's a natural. >> what's in the water here? now everybody's rushing to cash in from toddlers to teenagers. but they can't all make it. plus, ruffled feathers. the patriarchs started this scandal over race and sexuality. now the women of "duck dynasty" are fighting back. >> if one of your grandkids came home and said i'm gay -- >> their answers may surprise you. and instant hero. this cop rescues a cat, and now he's facing a flood of online