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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  June 19, 2014 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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newscast at 4:30 tomorrow morning. >> right now eric bana on >> right now eric bana on "jimmy kimmel >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, nba champion tony parker. this week, and music from linkin park. and now in all likelihood, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome to the show. thanks for coming.
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don't think i don't appreciate it. this saturday is the official first day of summer, june 21st is the -- it's the summer solstice. it's when the sun shines bright like a diamond. it's the longest day of the year. if you see someone roller blading by in hot pants and a belly shirt, wave hi to me. you know how they say if you see only one movie this summer or read only one book this sumer? that's what i'm going to do. i'm going to see one movie, read one book. why push myself? tonight we'll be spending one of our few remaining nights of spring with linkin park. [ applause ] and also eric bana is with us. and from the san antonio spurs, tony parker is here. [ applause ]
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tony helped the spurs win the nba championship on sunday and he's here tonight to brag about it. of course, there's a lot of celebration in san antonio after the spurs won it. i like this video to serve as a lesson to fans of any team that wins a title. [ honking horns ] >> oh, [ bleep ]! wounded penguin, he waddled into the night. the washington redskins lost a legal battle yesterday. they've been under a lot of pressure to change the team name because it's a racial slur. we got used to it, but it's a racial slur. they may be forced to abandon it, whether they want to or not. yesterday the team lost their federal trademark. the u.s. patent and trademark office canceled the trademark
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because they say the name red skins is disparaging to native americans. now the team doesn't have exclusive rights to it. anyone can use the name for commercial purposes which could cost them hundreds of millions of dollars. but the owner of the team vowed he'll never change the name. i guess he either doesn't agree or doesn't care that it's offensive. a lot of people are with him on that. i was thinking about this. i have a simple way to make this work for everyone. may i have a pen? very good. do you have anything bigger than that? all right. here we go. hi, guillermo. i'm going to solve this right now, okay? [ laughter ] all right? now they're the fredskins. [ applause ]
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and now no one can be offended. >> the hell we can't! >> jimmy: i was not expecting this. why, it's fred willard. >> yes, i'm fred willard. you're darn right and i'm here on behalf of freds all over the world who are saying we're no longer going to stand for this hogwash. >> jimmy: i didn't mean to offend. >> we are all freds and each one of us is as unique as a snowflake. >> jimmy: okay. aren't you making a big deal out of this? >> a big deal? you're saying it's no big deal? don't you try to run away from me, jimmy kimmel. i'm here to tell you, you tell that to all the freds who are supposed to be here for this protest. in fact, they had prior engagements, which is besides the point. i'm talking about your fred savages and fred mercury.
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soon you'll forget him. >> jimmy: he passed away, yeah. >> and fred flintstone. >> jimmy: he's not actually real. >> you'll find out how real they are when you hear from our lawyers. right now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going back to your green room and fill my pockets with tootsie rolls. you still have those? >> jimmy: we do. >> i love them. >> jimmy: they're almost like chocolate. >> do you still have the big ones? >> jimmy: we do. they're soft, too. >> you almost feel you should. be eating them. stop trying to distract me and win me over! all i have to say to you is, goodbye and i'll see you in court. and jimmy, one more thing, good luck with the baby. >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> fred if it's a boy, or a girl. who knows today? who cares? [ applause ] >> when does it end?
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the humanity. >> jimmy: i don't know. [ applause ] i felt like i was in a fight for a minute there. you know, brazil was -- i don't need this anymore, brimming with enthusiasm as the world cup continued today. how long is this going to go on any way, the world cup? christmas or something? england lost today to uruguay. was that a big upset? >> yes. >> jimmy: i watched greece play japan today. that was a fun game for the announcers. like, gets it past nagatamato. they earned their money today. this is a highlight from the game between colombia and the ivory coast. it's time for our world cup play of the day. ♪
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: kim kardashian is getting her own video game. lit be available next week. a virtual version of you gets to accompany kim around hollywood to "hit the hottest clubs, flirt, and fall love." you can wear fashion styles, send gifts and see who can become the bigger celebrity. or you can read a book. [ laughter ] if you're just sitting on your couch doing nothing all day, aren't you already playing the kim kardashian game? [ applause ] meanwhile, mattel just introduced a new barbie doll
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called entrepreneur barbie. barbie is ready to make a bold business move and strike out on her own to achieve her career dreams. it's about time. she's like 80 years old. she comes with a -- you can see the tiny little smartphone and tablet computer, so you can look forward to fishing those out of your kid's nose in the near future. and she has her own linked in page. i already spend like, i don't know, half the day ignoring linked in requests for my friend. now i have to ignore them for my daughter's toys, too. and entrepreneur, not a career. it's the job your cousin who sells weed claims to have at thanksgiving dinner. [ applause ] i've been thinking about lately these toys, because as fred mentioned, my wife is having a baby this summer. we don't know if we're having a boy or girl. we assume it's one or the other. but you never know. i have two older kids. they're in their 40s now. one of them is older than i am. it's been a long time since i've
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took care of a baby. you forget almost everything. so to brush up and to get some advice on how to raise a child, i asked a child to help me figure some things out, a 6-year-old girl named ila. we had a very enlightening conversation. ♪ hold old are you? >> 6. >> jimmy: so you've been a kid for a while now. how long? >> i have no idea. >> jimmy: but you were a baby once? >> yeah. everyone was a baby once. >> jimmy: that's true. what i'm hoping for is that you can give me some information and teach me how to be a good dad. because my wife is having a baby. okay? >> okay. >> jimmy: and i was just wondering what you think, like what to you is a good dad? what does a good dad do? >> well, my suggestion is like changing the diaper.
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>> jimmy: myself? >> yes. >> yuck! i don't want to do that. >> well, you're not going to like eat the poop. >> jimmy: yeah, i am. >> yes, you are. >> jimmy: what am i supposed to do with it, throw it against the ball? >> you're supposed to wipe the butt. >> jimmy: i'm not going to do that. whose butt? >> the baby's butt. >> jimmy: the baby doesn't want that. the baby should learn to wipe his own butt. >> he don't know well, because they don't have a smart brain. >> jimmy: do babies come with brains or is that put in? >> they do come with brains, they're just like they don't know better and they're like squirming around. >> jimmy: are they dumb? >> no, they're not dumb! >> jimmy: they can't even wipe themselves. that doesn't sound very smart to me.
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>> you're going to have to do it yourself. that's what grownups do. >> jimmy: i don't want to do that. >> first, you'll have to open the diaper. and then you're going to have to get a wipe and wipe the butt. >> jimmy: will you show me how to do it? because i have a baby doll. >> okay. >> jimmy: here's a baby doll. is this the right way to hold the baby? >> nope. >> jimmy: how should i do it then? >> you should do it like that. >> jimmy: okay. >> when they're 1 years old, hold them by the butt. >> jimmy: that's good. okay. so here we go. >> no, no. >> jimmy: i'm holding him by the butt. >> no, no, no. >> jimmy: oh, other way, okay. now, this butt that i'm holding him by, this is where the poop comes out, so this i don't want to touch. >> you're going to touch it with
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a wipe. so like your hands are going to be clear, but you're going to have to wash them. >> jimmy: so put the baby right here? >> yeah, and then there's a diaper on, so like you're going to pull the sides. then open it up. >> jimmy: right. >> and there's poop. it's chocolate. >> jimmy: it is? hold on, i don't know what that smells like. i'm still not sure if it's chocolate or not. >> you're eating the poop. >> jimmy: i shouldn't do that with the real baby? >> no, because it's real poop. you don't want to eat poop and get all sick. >> jimmy: you're right. now what do i do? >> you're going to get a wipe. >> jimmy: right. >> and then you wipe it like that. >> jimmy: uh-huh, uh-huh. >> and then you're going to lift
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the baby up. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> then you're going to wipe this part. >> jimmy: with your hand? >> no! with the wipe. >> jimmy: i don't see you using a wipe, i see you using your hand. >> there's no wipes here. >> jimmy: oh, look there, wipes just came in. >> thanks, dad. >> jimmy: so you wipe the butt. i have a good idea. what if there's extra poop, put it in the baby's hat, right? >> no, no, no! >> jimmy: oh, sorry. >> put it in here. then we're going to roll it up and throw it in the trash. >> jimmy: here, i'll take it. let's see. i know, we'll throw it at the wall. >> jimmy: no! the trash, the trash. remember, i told you earlier the trash! >> jimmy: but then the trash guy has to pick it up. hi doesn't want this. >> no!
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>> jimmy: this is hard to figure out. >> momma mia. >> jimmy: i'm going to tell my wife ila taught me how to change the baby when it had a dirty diaper. you take the diaper off, you get some wipes, you eat the poop, you then wipe the baby's butt, then you throw it at the garbage man as he's driving by. right? >> no, no! >> jimmy: i think that's what we do. >> n-o, no! >> jimmy: i'm going to be a very bad parent. so are you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: one more thing, thursday night, it's time where we bleep and blur things. it's this week in unnecessary censorship. >> harrison ford would be off
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his feet after breaking his [ bleep ]. >> for the last two years, mexico has been [ bleep ]. >> quiet could squeeze off a little [ bleep ] off to the west. >> there's not many teams in the world that you get [ bleep ] in the mouth like that. >> including [ bleep ] in your horse. >> you're acting so hard yesterday. i've been sore all day. >> you started scoring so many runs, i didn't want to [ bleep ] that up. >> the government here in iraq is a [ bleep ] government. >> the one thing you can do is try to [ bleep ] if you find yourself in the wild. >> reporting live, i'm tony [ bleep ], abc four news. >> when we say we'll [ bleep ] you, we mean it. >> i want to [ bleep ] on water. >> me, too. >> are you thinking what i'm thinking? >> oh, yeah. let's go!
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>> right up your [ bleep ]! >> we don't know anything about [ bleep ] [ bleep ]. >> it can't be that hard. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, from the san antonio spurs, tony parker is here. we have music from linkin park. and we'll be right back with eric bana.
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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the program. on sunday, the san antonio spurs beat the miami heat in five games to become nba champions for 2014. tony parker is here with us. [ applause ] and with their new album called "the hunting party," linkin park brought to you by at&t.
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nice guys. we have a great lineup for you next week. the legendary bob new hart will be here. gary oldman will join us, zach brath, roseanne bar, and more music from st. paul and the broken bones, tech nine, and spoon two. so join us next week. our first guest tonight is more australi australian than a koala bear. starting july 2, you can see him in the new movie "deliver us from evil." please welcome eric bana. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ eric, you got in from australia when? >> yesterday. >> jimmy: okay. >> i didn't try to do this silly thing of coming in today.
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i didn't want to come in looking like i was half drunk. >> jimmy: right. you're now fully drunk and ready to go. it is winter there now, as summer -- is winter just about to start there? >> we're right in the middle of winter right now. so it's time for me to leave and come and do shows like this. >> jimmy: gotcha. so you escaped the winter. you stay one step ahead of winter at all times. >> i try to film all my films in the australian winter. so just to break the back of it. >> jimmy: how many kids do you have? >> i have two. >> jimmy: and so i'm just curious, i know this is a stupid thing and probably seems stupid to you. so summertime happens during like christmas time. >> december/january, yeah. >> jimmy: so christmas in the summer, which seems very strange, even though that's essentially what we have here. so do kids go to cramp for christmas? >> we don't have that tradition.
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we can't get rid of our kids. they just hang around. we don't have camps to handball them off to. so they're just around for eight weeks. >> jimmy: there's no camp in australia? >> we have bush fires and stuff. it's not ideal, you know. they go on camps, my kids go to a school that pride themselves in having tough camps, but they send them out in the middle of winter where they freeze their asses off, but summer they don't have that tradition. >> jimmy: i never went to camp. plus each like lady bugs are poisonous over there, right? >> it is pretty bad. the good thing is, the stuff that you think will kill you won't. so i always like messing with people if they come down, because the huge spiders like the huntsman and the daddy long legs are harmless. so i always pick them up and i
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say to people the big stuff you can see is totally fine. the little stuff that you can't see is the stuff that will kill you. >> jimmy: that's relaxing. that sounds truly terrible. i don't know if i would be able to sleep there. but you seem to be alive. i don't think most people realize you started as a comedian on television. >> stand up and many years of sketch comedy, which is -- my career was kind of upside down. there's a whole generation of people in australia who refuse to take me seriously. and then there's a whole generation of teenagers who have never seen my funny stuff. >> jimmy: so they have a hard time buying you in serious roles because like oh, there's the funny guy. >> yeah, the stupid guy from the last 20 years, we've seen him do all those stupid characters. you don't have to buy it, i don't care. it's cool. it's all right. i'm happy either way.
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>> jimmy: did you make a conscious decision, like will you do it and then continue to do sketch comedy at all? >> i would never say never. i miss the sketch comedy more than the standup. my kids are peeved off with me because they love it when dad gets angry because that's the only time i'm funny. my son is like, you should do standup again. i said i can't be bothered. he's like, i'll follow you around and jot it down. but it's not going to happen. >> jimmy: how old is your son? >> he's 14. >> jimmy: oh, and he wants you to do it. maybe that will be something he does. do you follow basketball? we have tony parker is here tonight. >> not much. i follow australian rules football. i played a little bit of basketball when i was a kid, because my mum didn't initially
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want me to play football and banned me from football. my brother was pretty good. he came to america and played for a year at a high school. he's a big guy. >> jimmy: how big is he? >> like 6'7", 6'8". >> jimmy: you seem like you're pretty tall. >> i always thought i was short. >> jimmy: how tall are you? >> 6'2" and a bit. i need to add the bit because my brother is 6'7". >> jimmy: so you're little bana? it sounds like a rap name. have you considered recording a rap album? we're going to take a break here. we're going to write a rap album and when we come back we'll release it. little bana is here. we'll be right back.
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what was the message he had for you? [ indiscernible ] >> you speak latin, huh? what do you think of this? [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's a scary movie.
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i watched it today, and i get scared at scary movies. >> that was just someone auditioning. >> jimmy: it's based on true events, they stay. do you believe that these were true events? >> i can't afford to. i had to just try and blank that out. it's based on a real guy, ralph starchy, who was a detective in the bronx. and it is based on a collection of his experiences. he went on in his retirement to be an assistant in exorcisms. and he does this for real. and he wrote a book about it, and we developed it into a screenplay. and he's so much fun to play. >> jimmy: do you think people get possessed by the devil? [ laughter ] >> ummm, i -- my view on this in all seriousness changed somewhat during the course of -- >> jimmy: it did? >> it did. i hate to say i went in quite
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skeptical and i was privy to some materials in preproduction which were not nice, which were not comfortable at all to watch. i wish you hadn't brought that up. let's cut to that clip. >> jimmy: what kind of preproduction materials are you talking about. did the devil come to you? >> when you do this kind of movie, crazy stuff is going to happen. absolutely nothing scary happened to me at all during the entire time. the scaredest i got is i like to ride, so when i wasn't shooting i would be on my bike around new york. one day there was an accident and there was an emergency service vehicles, and i'm waiting for it to clear. and i hear -- hey there, eric. like what the hell.
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it was a guy on a fire struck. and he's like, waving through the window. he's calling my name. >> jimmy: one of the things i thought was interesting is in the movie, you guys are in the bronx zoo and some of these animals become possessed. i don't think i've seen animals possessed by the devil before. >> including a monkey. >> jimmy: i was love to have a monkey possessed by the devil. >> come in pretty handy. we got to film in the bronx, which was very cool. it was amazing, and yes, seriously, when you get involved in a project like this, you don't want to believe any of it. but it's definitely opened my eyes. >> jimmy: you believe that the devil possesses monkeys? >> i believe that some monk yils have been possessed. >> jimmy: maybe all monkeys have been possessed by the devil. >> i think baboons. they have that edge to them.
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>> jimmy: the movie came out great. and joe mchale is playing a cop. >> he plays my partner. so much fun. he's like a -- he's obsessed with knives, you know this, right? >> jimmy: yes. he bought me a sword as a wedding gift. >> no. >> jimmy: yes, which is kind of a weird thing to have. i keep it away from my wife suffice it to say. when a devil monkey comes into the bedroom, though, not going to have a head for long. very good to have you here. eric bana, everyone. watch the movie. we'll be right back.
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♪ >> jimmy: tony parker is here and linkin park. this is my purse. here's what we're going to do. who has a purse here in this section here? very good. are you willing to do something? stand up and hold on, i've got a microphone in here. what is your name and where are from you? >> mary from toronto. >> jimmy: you've got some good
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stuff in this purse? >> hopefully. >> jimmy: here's what i like to do. i get to pick one thing out of my purse and you can pick one thing out of mine, but we can't look. whatever i take i want to keep it. is that all right? >> yes, yes. there's two pockets in it. >> jimmy: open one pocket and i'll look away and i will then reach in. there's nothing sharp in there, is there? >> maybe. >> jimmy: maybe a satanic monkey in there? and i'm feeling something. and oh, what is this? good. i'll wear this, because i do wear makeup. and now it is your turn. so don't look. just reach your hand in there, and pull something out. okay. look at that. it's the at&t samsung galaxy with a rugged design that will stand up to your active
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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the program. music from linkin park. just because your name is lebron or deandre does not make your
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french. our next guest is, and on sunday night, he rode that frenchness to his fourth nba title. >> parker, beautiful hesitation. incredible turn around. parker, six straight for tony parker. >> jimmy: from the san antonio spurs, please welcome tony parker. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ well, congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you guyed played very, very well. after four of these, has it become old hat to you? >> it feels great. >> this one must have felt especially good i would imagine. >> yeah, this one was very special because of what happened last year. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was very tough, maybe the worst loss of my career. it was a tough one, and to be
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able to come back and have the opportunity to win it again feels very special and by far my favorite one. >> jimmy: and you really hate the miami heat, true? >> no, no, i didn't hate them. i have a lot of respect for them. it's not easy to win two championships and go to the finals four times. i just wanted to get another opportunity to beat them. i didn't feel that comfortable going to miami. i hated the hotel. there's too much bad memory and the restaurant. so i didn't want to end up ending my career and hate going to miami. i feel great now. i want to go to miami now. i love miami. >> jimmy: even more importantly, congratulations. you had a little baby boy here. [ applause ] during the playoffs. that's a lot of pressure to be in the playoffs and to have a baby at the same time. >> it was tough. it's a great feeling. >> jimmy: that's a great picture.
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>> unbelievable experience. >> jimmy: is this at your house? >> yeah, that's my house, like in my trophy room. >> jimmy: oh, of course. >> i stole the trophy the night of the celebration. yeah, true story. i was like, i want to keep the trophy tonight. so i left with it and everybody was calling me like, tony, did you take the trophy? yeah, yeah, i'll bring it back tomorrow. i just wanted to take a picture with josh. i wanted to have a good memory, so i took it. >> jimmy: what the heck, what are they going to do, arrest you? you did win the trophy. what if your fiance had gone into labor during a game, would you have missed the game? >> i got lucky. she went in the night before we played game five. it's 9:00, she's like, i've got to go. i'm like, what you mean?
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he came three weeks early. so i'm racing on the highway, and we go to the hospital and finally at 11:15, he came and it was a great feeling. and the whole night in the hospital, and i twisted my ankle the game before, so i was doing treat, putting my ice and everything and touching the baby. doing everything at the same time. i went the next day and played a great game. >> jimmy: you had a great game, right. you led the game in scoring. congratulations. >> i played on adrenaline and a lot of emotion. >> jimmy: thanks to little josh there, i guess. you have a massive comic book collection i'm told. you have marvel, what is your thing? >> i'm a big movie fan. so in australia, they have a company where they make life-sized statues. so i got everybody. >> jimmy: the hulk was just here by the way. >> i know, i saw him. >> jimmy: you have a life-size hulk? >> yeah, full-size.
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>> jimmy: why wouldn't you name your son peter parker by the way? [ applause ] >> any fiance chose. by the way, we're getting married in august. >> jimmy: that's nice. and this is your car. you have the car from "back to the future." this is really your car? >> it is. >> jimmy: do you drive it? >> i do. >> jimmy: this is the inside of the car. >> my teammates always make fun of me. >> jimmy: gee, i wonder why. do you love the movie? >> yeah, i love the movies. i'm a big fan, obviously. so my future wife, she knows about that. so for my 30th birthday, they got together with all my friends and they bought it for me. >> jimmy: wow. that's pretty great. >> so i was in shock. i was like, are you kidding me? it's pretty cool.
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>> jimmy: your coach, gregg popovich, does he -- for those that don't know, let's play a little clip of him to give people a sampling. >> five games, five blowouts. how do you explain that? >> you're serious? you really think i can explain that? >> in simplest terms. i know you can. the question is, will you? >> good lord. >> jimmy: i happen to find that amusing. i love it when he does that. does he talk to you like that? does he yell at you and what not >> my favorite moment is, we're up 20 with 1:00 left, and he's still screaming at me like running plays. i'm like come on, pop, we're up 20. i think we're going to win the championship. >> jimmy: i don't know if you've
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seen this, but -- why the hell aren't you at practice? get off your little french bottom and get out on the court. does this bring back bad memories? >> pretty bad memories. >> jimmy: winning a championship wasn't enough, you have to parade out here like a circus poodle. you know where tim duncan is right now, he's at home drinking milk. this would look good in your home, don't you think? right alongside the hulk. >> no, i don't want him. [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, congratulations on the title and the baby and everything. very nice to have you here. stick around, everybody. we'll be right back with linkin park.
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cheeseburger.my usual ultimate you can have that. or-two new versions of the ultimate cheeseburger. one has sliced jalapeños and creamy ranch sauce, the other has sweet and tangy barbecue sauce and grilled onions, plus double meat and cheese like the original.
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new versions...? two new versions! now, this was just a training video, but these twists on my ultimate cheeseburger will blow people's minds. is that guy ok? >> dicky: jimmy kimmel concert
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series is presented by at&t, mobilizing your world. >> jimmy: this is their new album, called "the hunting party." linkin park! [ applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ i've heard it said a thousand times ♪ ♪ but now i know ♪ that you don't know what
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you've got, you don't know what you've got ♪ no, you don't know what you've got ♪ ♪ until it's gone ♪ until it's gone ♪ until it's gone ♪ ♪ you're safe and sound, your father made you strong ♪ ♪ suddenly you realize that i was wrong ♪
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♪ ♪ you don't know what you've got until it's gone ♪ ♪ until it's gone ♪ until it's gone ♪ ♪ until it's gone ♪ until it's gone
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♪ until it's gone ♪ until it's gone ♪ because you don't know what you've got ♪ ♪ no, you don't know what you've got ♪ ♪ no, you don't know what you've got ♪ ♪ no, you don't know what you've got ♪ ♪ until it's gone ♪ until it's gone ♪ until it's gone
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[ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline." tonight, no way out. the undercover prisoner 106. entering solitary confinement in a maximum security prison. >> this is prison. we're not here for being nice. >> he didn't do the crime, but he's about to do the time alongside the most dangerous criminals in america. why is he risking it all? plus, high style. while you're waiting for your flight, they're waiting for your cash. >> it sparkles. >> millions of passengers spending billions of dollars in terminals and pampering themselves with yoga, spa treatments. >> your flight

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