a.m. >> good night. from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." [ cheers and applause ] tonight, gary oldman. nathan fielder. the world's ugliest dog gets a makeover. and music from bleachers. with cleto and the cletones. and now, from this moment on, it's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. you're very nice. welcome. i'm jimmy. i'm host of the show.

thank you for watching. thank you for coming. i appreciate that. hey, quick personal question, if you don't mind. how many of you are single in our audience here tonight? okay. and how many of those that are single, how many are smart? well, it's good to know your limitations i guess. the reason i ask is because match.com is teaming up with mensa to create a dating site called mensa match. exclusively for people with genius i.q. scores. mensa and match.com say they partnered up because 80% of single people want to be with someone as smart as them. can you imagine sitting next to two people on a mensa date? [ laughter ] waitress, would you mind if we move tables? and this is interesting. as part of the announcement, they released a heat map to show

where america's smartest singles to live. according to them, the number one city is durham, north carolina. l.a. did not make the top 20. [ laughter ] here's a tip. i know you're all geniuses. but next time you make a map, try a non-herpes related color, like blue, to indicate where your singles live. online dating is fascinating to me. you hear crazy stories about it. you hear about people meeting up in strange motels. doing god knows what to each other. then you hear your aunt meets her husband there and his name is ernie. so, we thought it would be fun to use online dating as the basis for our question. we asked people have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? as a group, we ale try to determine whether they have done the deed with the help of the worldwide web. all right? let's begin. >> alicia lasso. seattle, washington.

>> have you ever had sex with someone on the internet? >> jimmy: what do you say? has alicia ever had sex? >> yes! >> jimmy: let's find out. >> no. >> because? >> because that's creepy. and scary. and disease fested. >> jimmy: disease fested? is that -- we'll let her slide on that. next up. >> i'm jim lewis from ohio. >> have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? >> jimmy: has jim ever had sex -- >> yes! >> jimmy: you can't always judge a book by its cover. >> yes. >> jimmy: you sure you don't want to take a second to think about that? who else do we have? >> my name is matthew from silver lake. >> have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? >> yes! >> jimmy: you're saying yes to everyone. [ laughter ] all right. let's find out.

>> i have not. i would never! oh, my god, i would not be able to do that. i have known my boyfriend for months. i would not be able to just -- it's not for me, no. >> jimmy: his boyfriend is a lucky man, i guess. and our next pedestrian is? >> i'm shawn from jupiter, florida. >> have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? >> no! >> jimmy: split pretty evenly here. let's find out. >> yes, i have. a few times actually. >> how was it? >> it was great. better than i thought it was going to be. >> jimmy: they held me down and put nickels in my ears. [ laughter ] he looked like tim duncan, didn't he? next up? >> adriana nelson from miami. >> have you ever had sex from someone you met on the internet? >> no! >> jimmy: let's not fight about it, guys. let's find out. >> actually, yes, my husband.

>> jimmy: what kind of sick person has sex with their husband? she looked like julia roberts, right? we have tim duncan and julia roberts. i think they shot "pretty woman" out there. maybe she's a hooker, who knows? who's next on our pedestrian list? >> i'm from chicago, but i'm now based in san francisco. >> have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? >> jimmy: has herbert -- never met a herbert before -- had sex with -- let's find out. >> no. no. no, i haven't. had sex with someone on the internet. no. >> jimmy: but i did buy this giant hat on the internet. i believe we have one more. >> i'm marcie from cleveland, ohio. >> have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? >> no! >> jimmy: most of the audience is saying no. a smattering of yeses. let's find out.

>> ummm, maybe. ummm, yeah. but of course, i knew the person a long time before anything like that happened, you know. >> how long did it last? >> well, with lesbians, you go for eight hours or whatever. so, i would say probably seven, eight hours. >> i actually meant the relationship. how long did that last? >> yeah, eight hours. >> jimmy: eight hours. [ cheers and applause ] eight hours. the world cup continued in brazil today. the big story of the world cup right now, maybe of the whole thing, a player from uruguay who appeared to bite a player from italy on the shoulder. if you didn't see it, here's what happened. luis suarez chomped into the italian defender. during yesterday's game. either that or he's a very bad kisser. one of the two.

but he's been suspended for biting twice before. so, fifa, the governing body for soccer, is studying the evidence to determine what action they will take, if any. uruguay is claiming the pictures showing bite marks were photoshopped. the old photoshopping. has that ever worked even one time? if fifa decides he did bite an opponent for a third time, they'll likely suspend him again. that to me is ridiculous. he's been suspended twice for biting. if he did it a third time, pull his teeth. [ laughter ] pull his teeth. [ cheers and applause ] what do you think, guillermo? >> i agree with you. >> jimmy: you know soccer. any way, there's a match today between bosnia and iran. it got off to an exciting start. in the fourth minute, iran came up with an amazing inbound pass we have deemed our world cup play of the day. ♪

[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: some international excitement. ryan seacrest has a new job, thank god. i was worried about him. [ laughter ] he just signed a deal with cbs to host and executive produce a fashion week special called "fashion rocks." the deal is notable because he now works for all four major networks, fox, nbc, host of new year's rockin' eve on abc, and now, cbs, too. in the television business, we call that a slut. [ laughter and applause ] but in the best possible way. while ryan seacrest is courting jobs, diane sawyer is giving hers away. it was announced today she will step down as anchor of abc

"world news," and that's a big deal, especially for us here. first barbara walters, now diane sawyer. i'm about to become the most respected news woman on abc. which is good for me. diane will leave in september. she'll be replaced by david muir, which means all three network news broadcasts will be anchored by white men. so, we did it. good for us. [ applause ] a piece of rock 'n' roll history was sold yesterday. bob dylan's handwritten lyrics for the song, "like a rolling stone," went up for auction. and got $2 million. paying $2 million for bob dylan lyrics is a good way to know bob dylan would have hated you in 1965. the reason they're so valuable is because if you buy them, you'll be the only one in the world who knows what the hell bob dylan is singing.

the most expensive rock music manuscript ever sold. the previous record was for $1.7 million was paid for the handwritten lyrics to the song "tequila." [ laughter ] there they are. well, there it is. you probably knew that, right? >> yes. >> jimmy: this is fun. while everybody was busy trying to like soccer, the world's ugliest dog was crowned in petaluma, california, this weekend. he's a 2-year-old mutt named peanut. and it's hard to argue with the judge's choice on this one. >> the world's ugliest dog is -- peanut. >> peanut, the 2-year-old chihuahua-shih tzu mix, bringing home the prize of the world's ugliest dog, beating out nearly 30 other pooches. >> i think he's cute. >> peanut spent nine months in a shelter, waiting.

finally, holly from greenville, north carolina, found him. and fell in love. >> jimmy: you see why. he's either the world's ugliest dog or world's prettiest rat. we're not sure. [ laughter ] can we see peanut again? wow. poor thing. you know who peanut kind of looks like? if you put them side by side. they have the same hairdresser. i'm happy to report that peanut is in the building tonight. the ugliest dog in the world is here. we tried to book the world's most beautiful dog. but he's summering on st. barts with heidi klum. we got hair and makeup and wardrobe to give the world's ugliest dog a makeover. take a look. ♪ ♪

[ laughter ] ♪ >> i think he's ready. >> jimmy: are you guys ready? [ cheers and applause ] please welcome, the former ugliest dog in the world, peanut. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you are so beautiful to me >> jimmy: hi, peanut. peanut, that's a dog you wouldn't mind having your leg humped by, right? holly, you're the owner. what do you think of the new look? >> i think it's gorgeous. >> jimmy: isn't it something? >> look at him. >> jimmy: he's like a whole, new animal. he's almost too good-looking now. he's like the bradley cooper of dogs.

peanut, i want to say, i hope this doesn't change who you are. it's what's on the inside that counts. don't go hollywood on us. let's show the before and after photos. i think you'll see that really -- the only difference is the bow tie, i guess. holly and peanut, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] tonight on the show, nathan fielder is here. we have music from bleachers. and we'll be right back with gary oldman. so, stick around. [ cheers and applause ] use these innertubes in the so, you're sapool?we can't sorry, sir. it's hotel policy. is it really hotel policy? i'm afraid so, sir. do it. how about now?

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the program, an exceptionally funny guy. his exceptionally funny show starts its second season on tuesday. nathan fielder. i saw the first two episodes. trust me, it's hilarious. and this is their brand new alb album, called "strange desire," which comes out july 15th. you can preview it. from bleachers on the outdoor

stage. we have a good show for you tomorrow night. bob newhart will be here. music from spoon, too. any actor who can play beethoven, dracula and sid vicious must possess great talent and an exceptional wigmaker. our first guest tonight has all of that. you can see him next in "dawn of p& apes." it opens in theaters july 11th. please say hello to gary oldman. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: i'm glad to see you. thank you for coming. i know you've had a very unpleasant day today. i think a lot of people expected you would cancel on us. i appreciate that you did not cancel on us and you came here tonight.

>> yeah. >> jimmy: you had a lot of apologizing that you did today because of a "playboy" magazine article that you did. an interview you did with "playboy." >> it was an article i did with "playboy." and i said some things that were poorly considered. once i had seen it in print, i could see that it was offensive, insensitive, pernicious, and ill-informed. and, well, you know, words have meaning. they carry weight. and they carry on long after you've said them. and i don't -- i don't condone or excuse the words i used in -- well, in any context. i just basically shouldn't have used them in any context.

but i did. and i have deeply injured and wounded a great many people. so, i -- i just want to -- i appreciate you having me here and extending your hospitality to put me in the seat once again. and it gives me the opportunity to say to those people that i, from my heart, i am profoundly, profoundly sorry and deeply apologetic. you know, especially to the fans, because they've been so incredible to me and very loyal. and i really feel that i let -- i let them down.

you know, especially to the younger fans, i should be -- as a public figure, i should be an example and inspiration. and i'm an a-hole. and i'm 56, and i should know better. so, i said to them, and i also say i extend my apology and my love and best wishes to the -- to my fan base. >> jimmy: i'm stuck on the fact that you call your fans team oldman. >> well, they've been pretty loyal. >> jimmy: can i be very honest with you? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i know i shouldn't. but i'm so happy tt someone has to apologize on this show. and it's not me, for once. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] so, thank you. >> i mean, have you ever been -- >> jimmy: oh, yeah, i do stupid things all the time. but i think it's important when somebody apologizes to accept their apology. like some people, nothing is

ever enough. and there's no end to it. and you could go on forever for some people. but it's obvious -- well, i guess, i don't know. you are a great actor. so, we cannot trust anything you say. [ laughter ] >> oh, no, trust me. >> jimmy: all right. so, yeah. this sort of thing, i think we now see it over and over again. and where you have to go on tv and apologize for something. but sometimes you get caught up and you start talking and then -- >> i just think that you -- we're public figures. and sometimes we're looked upon as social or cultural or political commentators. and i can't speak for other people. but i'm not, clearly. and i stepped out of my area of expertise.

and i -- and i -- and i just landed both feet in a hornet's nest. >> jimmy: yeah, in general, they say defending mel gibson is not a good thing to do in any way. i think i understand what you were trying to get at, though. you were talking about people being hypocrites. people love to jump up on their soap box and take shots at people for saying something, when you know a lot of people are saying -- not all of them, but a lot of them are. >> not all of them. but it just -- it just came over in a certain way. and for that, i'm deeply sorry. >> jimmy: well, let me make the most awkward transition possible and say, are you excited about "planet of the apes"? [ cheers and applause ] this is a whole planet of apes. >> i only -- i only ever wanted to talk about "planet of the

apes." and this thing, this news cycle, this event has, i think, sadly derailed what my initial purpose was. >> jimmy: it's not fair to the apes. it really isn't fair to the apes. >> they're furious. >> jimmy: and all the people you worked on the movie with, too. >> so, you've got the great people at fox. matt reeves, this incredible, amazing director. and the return of andy circus as ceasar. we have kerry russell, jason clark. we've got some fantastic actors. so, it is -- believe me, it's a relief to actually -- i desperately want to talk about "planet of the apes." >> jimmy: i do, too, because when i was a kid, i wanted to live on the planet of the apes. i had the action figures.

>> lunchbox? >> jimmy: i did have the lunchbox. i ware. i had the lunchbox. i had all the little guys. i just thought it was -- i don't know why it fascinated me so much that there would be a planet of apes. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that planet, as you know, turned out to be earth. >> it did. >> jimmy: it really did. >> jimmy: so, you guys, the apes -- >> yeah, i was -- i mean, i was a huge fan and when they asked me to be in the movie, i mean, i didn't even -- i did not take a new york heartbeat. i said, yeah. >> jimmy: the first one was great that they did. i liked that they made the apes the good guys, kind of, in the movie. that was an interesting move. these are the apes have in the movie. these are some of the apes from some of the original films, which, to me, this is -- there is something charming. i mean, i know they don't look like apes. >> that's bangers and mash.

>> jimmy: and peas, too. >> they weren't ordering spaghetti, obviously. >> jimmy: here's dr. zaus reading the newspaper. >> with a cigarette. >> jimmy: there you go. got the cigarette there. wearing his straw hat and smoking. did any of your apes smoke? >> no, no smoking apes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. you know what we're going to do? we're going to wash ourselves of the awkwardness. the one time people read "playboy" for the articles and you have to be in it. unbelievable. gary oldman is here. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]

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we are survivors. we have our guns. they are animals. we will push them back! drive hem out! and they will not get through these doors! >> jimmy: that is awesome. [ cheers and applause ]

that's exciting. i love the idea of apes riding horses. although, if i was a horse, i would be like, why can't we ride the apes every once in a while? that does look great. >> they are making another one. so, maybe i'll suggest it. >> jimmy: the horses will rise. i think this is interesting. the movie, you're promoting a new sport. is this a sport that you have invented? >> yeah. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, i would like to -- i would hope that it could become a franchise. >> jimmy: you brought some video. this is something -- it's not a team sport. it's an individual -- >> well, it may later develop into a team sport. >> jimmy: i like that. >> like a tag kind of team sport. >> jimmy: you brought some video. i think this is the first time you'll ever see this particular sport brought to us by gary oldman. take a look. >> i'm people's choice award

winner gary oldman. today is a fabulous day to do a little bit of stranger wrestling! hello, sir. what's your name? >> darren. >> nice to meet you, man. have we ever met? >> no. >> so, we're complete strangers? >> yeah, but i've seen your movies. >> yeah? what movies do you like i've been in? >> well, there's -- you like that movie? i was a voice in that one. stranger wrestling. going to take care of some more. hey, man.

you've go ahead of me. i'm waiting on a lot of stuff. >> are you gary oldman? >> yeah. >> sweet. >> how are you? you want to take a selfie with me? >> absolutely. ♪ ♪ smile. your drycleaning will be ready on monday. >> no, tuesday. >> tuesday. [ laughter ] hello. two beautiful, young ladies, would you like an autograph from a hollywood celebrity? >> you know what? you look like --

>> i'm gary oldman. from "sid and nancy." i got a pen. >> that would be wonderful. ♪ >> yeah. what a rush! well, that's stranger wrestling. i hope you had as much fun as i did. >> just get in the car. >> there's no need to ask me twice. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i think it's a winner. gary oldman, everyone. "dawn of the planet of the apes" opens july 11. we'll be right back.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, everyone. still to come, music from bleachers. our next guest, season two of his very funny show "nathan for you" premieres this tuesday on comedy central. please say hello to nathan fielder. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]

how are you doing? is it accurate to say that you enjoy puzzling people? >> puzzling? you know, maybe a little bit, i guess. i don't know about -- yeah, no, i don't know why i'm wasting so much time answering that. >> jimmy: i think i puzzled you with that question. >> yeah. >> jimmy: for those who know your work know this already. but you call them pranks? what would you -- >> this is kind of like a social experiment. i like to see -- to bring stuff out in people that's, you know -- i think a lot of times when you talk to someone, you try to put on this good version of yourself that's light and fluffy. and sometimes, nice to see the real person underneath. >> jimmy: yeah. so, you ask people to text what to their mom or dad? >> actually forget.

>> jimmy: you said -- >> yeah. they were going to text their parents, i got two grams for $40. and right away after, sorry, ignore that text. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: people did a screen capture. >> and they screen capped it and sent it back. >> jimmy: and these are presumably real interactions. i got two grams, 40 bucks. ignore that last text. wrong person. you're going to rehab. i'm not kidding. your mother and i are on our way to pick you up from college tonight. [ cheers and applause ] i could read a thousand of these. i'm only going to share two. this is another good one. grammer books. oh, i thought you were talking about the weed. lol.

>> it's great. some parents didn't have a problem with it. >> jimmy: last time you were here, you were in a bit of a fix because you opened your own coffee shop. >> yeah, dumb starbucks. >> jimmy: dumb starbucks. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it was all over the use. you just took the starbucks logo and added the word dumb to it. sticking to that parity law thing, huh? >> we got shut down by the health department. [ laughter ] it wasn't because of them. but it was kind of tough because i was making a tv show and running a coffee shop at the same time. so, it feels good now just to be making a tv show. >> jimmy: and you never did get in any legal trouble from that? >> no, the health department let us off. i think they had to scold us, but they also thought it was kind of silly. they tried to keep a straight face and do their thing. yeah.

>> jimmy: i gotcha. well, that's good. >> you said you were going to put in a good word with the mayor. so, maybe -- >> jimmy: i didn't have to. >> you didn't do that? >> jimmy: that was my prank on you. the idea of your show is, you go into a store or you contact an individual who runs a business. >> right. so, dumb starbucks, it was a thing i was doing for the show. there was a full story behind that, as well. that's not even, i think, the most inventive thing we do on the show. >> jimmy: you do do some inventive things. >> yes. we do a lot of things. i go and help these businesses with ideas. the key is to try to solve a problem that, you know, maybe they haven't thought of to solve yet. >> jimmy: like what sorts of problems? >> all right. so, on the show this season, i help a party planner. so, what's -- when you're manning a party, what's the biggest problem you encounter or stress?

>> jimmy: who to invite. >> right. so, who to invite to the party. there are some people that you probably don't want to come to your party. but you don't want them to know that they didn't invite you because if you don't invite them and you see them later, they might say, hey, you had a party and you didn't invite me. but you also don't want them there at the same time because you have one of those relationships where you just like them, you just don't want them to know that you don't like them. that's relatable, right? >> jimmy: i think so. >> so, because these days most invites are sent through e-mail or something like that, i hired a software engineer to develop this invite system where you can choose which e-mail invites go to someone's inbox and which invite goes to someone's spam folder. [ laughter ] so, the benefit of this is that if it goes to their spam folder,

they won't come. but if you -- if they confront you after the party and say hey, i heard you had a party, why didn't you invite me? you can say i did invite you, did you check your spam? and they think it's the e-mail's fault. >> jimmy: it's brilliant. [ cheers and applause ] if i was evite, i would -- >> oh, wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i know your mom and dad are here. they must be very, very proud of you for figuring this out. this they are. mom and dad. [ cheers and applause ] did you do terrible things to them growing up? >> terrible things to them? actually, well, they -- my dad did a terrible thing to me. >> jimmy: what did he do? >> kind of along those lines. maybe that's where i get some of this stuff from. >> jimmy: probably. >> my dad convinced me when i was a kid that the ceo of the company he worked for was 4

years old. [ laughter ] and it wasn't -- it was pretty elaborate. he got my mom in on it, and my sister, who is three years younger than me. he had a whole name, the guy's name was sidney bench. and he -- he has all these stories. he would come home with detailed stories every day. at first i thought it was a total joke and i didn't believe it. but after he was relentless about it. he would have these detailed stories like oh, he made this speech today in reference that he thinks lunchtime for you guys is like recess for me and no one laughed at the joke because it's a weird joke. so, specific stories like that, that aren't even good stories made me think, oh, this has to be real. and i believed it and i told all my friends at school that my dad's boss is 4 years old. they said, no, you're an idiot. i said, no, this is serious, for real. and he kept it going for months.

and i wasn't even that -- i was 14. [ laughter ] so, i wasn't even that young. i think i was just really gullible. i know i am kind of gullible. but he kept me going for months. i think he started to be concerned he would cause me psychological damage later in life. so, i think he had a conversation with my mom and told it to me. but he convinced me so well that when he broke it to me that it wasn't real, i didn't believe him. i said, no, you're just messing with me. then i was just embarrassed, because i told all my friends and i tried to never bring it up again. >> jimmy: well, i watched the first two episodes of the show. and the thing you did with the realtor, when you convinced her to become the ghost realtor, and sell houses that are ghost-free guaranteed is nothing short of magical. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and i recommend that you watch it. season two premieres tuesday at 10:30. nathan fielder, everybody. we'll be right back with

bleachers. [ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t, mobilizing your world. next week on "jimmy kimmel live" -- john stamos, justin thoreau, todd glass, abigail spencer, angie harmon. and music from ok go. common and 5 seconds of summer. and join us on monday with the cast of "guardians of the galaxy." all this on "jimmy kimmel live."

[ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, presented by at&t, mobiling your world. >> jimmy: i want to thank gary oldman, nathan fielder and i want to apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. this is their album, "strange desire." it comes out july 15th.

here with a song, "i wanna get better," bleachers! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ hey ♪ i hear the voice of a preacher from the back room calling my name and i follow just to find you ♪ ♪ i trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather ♪ ♪ and i've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause i frozen time between hearses and caskets ♪ ♪ lost control when i panicked at the acid test i wanna get better ♪ ♪ while my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines i was losing my mind ♪ ♪ 'cause the love the love, the love the love, the love ♪ ♪ that i gave wasted on a nice face ♪ ♪ in a blaze of fear i put a helmet on ♪

♪ a helmet counting seconds through the night and got carried away ♪ ♪ so now i'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars hey, i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i didn't know i was lonely till i saw your face i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i didn't know i was broken til i wanted to change i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i go up to my room and there's girls on the ceiling cut out their pictures and i chase that feeling ♪ ♪ of an 18-year-old who didn't know what loss was now i'm a stranger ♪ ♪ and i miss the days of a life still permanent mourn the years before i got carried away ♪ ♪ so now i'm staring at the interstate screaming at myself hey, i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i didn't know i was lonely till i saw your face i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i didn't know i was broken till i wanted to change i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪

♪ woke up this morning early before my family from this dream where she was trying to show me ♪ ♪ ♪ i've got to get better crashed my car because i want to get carried away ♪

♪ i didn't know i was lonely till i saw your face i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i didn't know i was broken till i wanted to change i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

this is a special edition of "nightline" -- >> tonight, murder in the sky. we're on the scene of one of the deadliest air disasters ever. >> the first thing that hits you is the absolute carnage of it all. >> new information about the investigation, as the portrait of the american victim emerges. how could this have happened? and how safe are you really when flying around the globe? plus, who fired the deadly missile? right now, the search is on for some of the most-wanted men in the world. >> outrage of unspeakable proportions. >> new evidence about how the passenger plane may have been shot down. and what this mystery vehicle has to do with it. can those