>> abc 7 news continues on line twitter facebook mobile device. next newscast 4:30 tomorrow morning. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- john stamos, comedian todd glass, and music from ok go, with cleto and the cletones and now, ready or not, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. thank you very much. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming.

[ cheers and applause ] let me tell you something. i don't know -- i have no way of knowing if it's for me or the air-conditioning. but i appreciate it either way. i really do. welcome to the barren desert wasteland known as southern california. you know, we're in the middle of a drought right now. it seems like it's never going to end. it's not rained in the city of los angeles since april 11th, 2006. [ laughter ] and they say it's getting worse. farms are drying up. lawns are going unwatered. even our governor is brown. [ laughter ] i didn't think you'd get that, to be honest. [ laughter ] you know, they say our only hope is for justin timberlake to cry us a river. and you know he won't. [ laughter ] the state water control board is now imposing restrictions on water use. they do this in times of drought. you can't wash sidewalks or driveways and you can't wash cars without a shutoff nozzle on the hose. if you do, you could be fined up to $500 a day. but here's the thing. here in l.a. there's only one

guy handing out fines. there's one man who drives around checking for this stuff. his name is rick silva. for real. he's the sole member of the l.a. water conservation response unit. [ laughter ] can you be a unit if you're just one person? so look out for rick. i don't understand. why is it we have 40,000 meter maids making sure we have our wheels turned the right way when we're on a hill to the curb but only one guy keeping an eye on the water? water is more important than wheels. and by the way, i'm going to admit, when i'm on a hill, i never know which way to turn the wheels. [ laughter ] i can never remember. i look at all the other cars, and i go with whatever -- the majority rules is how i do it. so if you live here or you're here for a visit, remember, we have a water shortage. so please don't wash your face. [ laughter ] if you are a nerd or currently have a nerd living in your basement, you know that comic-con is this weekend down in san diego. [ cheers and applause ] we have a special sneak preview for you tonight. the very talented masterminds at

"wired" magazine, legacy effects, stratus and the stan winston school have created a robot monstrosity. they call it the giant creature. and my cousin sal is outside with it right now. that is the giant creature. [ cheers and applause ] that is the cousin. now, correct me if i'm wrong, sal, but the creature's 13 feet 6 inches tall, weighs 2,000 pounds. and does it have a name besides giant creature? >> yeah. its name actually is kenneth kestenbaum. it's a jewish name. you can check if you want. >> jimmy: wait a minute, isn't that one of your friends from college? isn't that his name? >> oh, that might be it, you're right. >> jimmy: all right. piloting our creature tonight is guillermo, our parking lot security guard. where is guillermo? oh, he's in there. okay. there you are. hi, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: i'm good. do you have a license to drive one of these, guillermo?

>> not really. >> jimmy: you're like a giant chupacabra in that thing. tell us, what can the giant creature do, guillermo? >> this giant creature can do a lot of things. eat, drink, and fart. >> jimmy: all right. thank you for the comedy, guillermo. guillermo, i want to put the creature to the test and play a round of simon says. all right? >> okay. >> jimmy: you know how simon says works? >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: wow. this could scare the hell out of the immigration guys down there. [ laughter ] >> very funny. >> jimmy: all right. now, guillermo, let's get some people there, cousin sal. i want to play simon says. >> come on in. >> jimmy: preferably kids. okay. good. >> we have some kids. >> jimmy: kids, you know how to play simon says? >> turn to the camera.

>> jimmy: yeah, turn around. i assume they know how to play simon says. now, guillermo, for the first round don't say simon says. just tell them touch your toes so we'll eliminate people right away. the kids can't hear me right now. all right? so just say touch your toes. >> touch your toes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh. all right. all right. >> you're out. >> jimmy: we only nabbed one of them. all right. next one. simon says -- what else should -- simon says put your hands on your hips. >> simon say put your hands on your hips. [ laughter ] >> sal: i couldn't understand him from here either. >> jimmy: i don't know if we can blame the kids. tell them to touch their toes again. >> touch your toes. >> touch your toes. >> jimmy: all right. >> oh, i'm sorry.

you're going to have to go. >> jimmy: sorry, blondie. all right, lrvet. i think i've had enough of this game. hey, the creature -- tell the kids to gather around the creature because the creature does a pretty cool trick. okay. kids -- they can't hear me. gather around in front of the creature. >> get closer, kids. thank you. >> jimmy: all right. ask the kids if they're hot. >> kids, are you hot? >> are you kids hot? yes. >> jimmy: all right. >> move back a little. >> jimmy: wait a minute. looks like you're holding back a sneeze, doesn't, it creature? >> okay. hold on. ah-choo! ha, ha, ha, ha. i got you, kids. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are going to comic-con in san diego this weekend.

you can see the giant creature there. guillermo not included. maybe guillermo wasn't the best choice to operate the monster. [ laughter ] do you watch the show "orange is the new black"? [ cheers and applause ] it's a show about life inside a women's prison. and apparently the popularity of the show has made it fashionable for non-criminals, for people on the outside, to wear orange jumpsuits, to wear them as clothes. i've never seen anyone wearing one, but a sheriff in michigan is apparently so concerned that civilians will now get mistaken for inmates he's changing the color of the uniforms in his prison to avoid confusion. inmates in saginaw county will now wear black-and-white striped jumpsuits. black-and-white striped clothing used to signify a much more depressing life sentence, which was being an employee at foot locker. [ laughter ] but now -- and apparently, the inmates are upset. they don't like the new black-and-white uniforms. they like the old orange uniforms. some of them are so mad they're vowing never to be incarcerated again. [ laughter ]

but stories like this are like catnip for local news because there are a lot of different ways you can play with a headline involving orange is the new black. unfortunately, though, in this case they all chose to play it the same way. >> a michigan sheriff says orange is no longer the new black in his jail. >> a michigan sheriff says orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black. >> orange is no longer the new black in his jail. >> jimmy: what a coincidence that is. it's almost like they're not writing their own news copy. as far as i'm concerned an orange jumpsuit won't be fashionable until an olsen twin wears one to starbucks. [ laughter ] this is a story that's kind of funny but also kind of sad.

in 2004 a pine tree was planted in griffith park, not too far from here in los angeles, to commemorate the life of beatles guitarist george harrison. but the tree is dead now because it was eaten by an infestation of -- anyone want to guess? [ audience says "beetles" ] that's right. beetles killed the george harrison tree. it's like don henley got attacked by eagles. it's like if hootie was eaten by a blowfish. [ laughter ] is that enough? it's like if meatloaf choked to death on meatloaf. over the weekend a strange thing happened. a baby came out of my wife. it was totally unexpected. [ cheers and applause ] it's a little girl. her name is jane. and a lot of people have been asking me why i had another kid in my mid 40s. and the truth is i was running out of things to instagram. and this fills the spot. so jane came into the world a 12 days ago. one thing, you know -- we paid for the delivery, for the whole hospital bill with

frequent flyer miles. [ laughter ] we're very happy because jane slept six hours in a row last night. or at least i think she did. i was also sleeping. [ laughter ] could have been doing anything, i guess. but this video, i have it on youtube today. this is what happens when you doze off with budding graffiti artists in the house. >> this is what clara and luke did while we were sleeping. we finally started to clean it up. it was much worse in lucas' room. there's the baby. >> jimmy: she's in jail now. you know, i think if your kids do something like that you should be allowed to sell them on craigslist, right? [ laughter ] it's been a long time since i've had a newborn in the house. so just before my daughter was born i thought i'd ask for parenting advice. i could have asked friends or family members or a doctor or something.

but instead i turned to the people who know children best. other children. and the result was this very educational chat with a very responsible, very serious 7-year-old boy. ♪ >> jimmy: what's your name? >> darren. >> jimmy: how do you spell that? >> v-e-r-e. >> jimmy: i've never heard that name before. and how old are you? >> 7. >> jimmy: okay. so you're a kid, obviously. and i'm not, obviously. in fact, i'm looking for advice as far as how to be a good father goes. okay? i want to be a fun father. i want to be a father that all the other kids in the neighborhood wish they had. i want to let the kids do anything they want. even if it's really dangerous. what do you think about that? >> well, i think you shouldn't let them do dangerous stuff like -- >> jimmy: what if the baby wants to throw knives at balloons? [ laughter ]

>> i'm not sure about that because babies don't use knives. >> jimmy: well, this baby's going to be a knife thrower. [ laughter ] >> maybe you should get little knives. >> jimmy: cute baby knives. yeah. that's a good -- >> but i'm not sure you should do that. >> jimmy: oh, really? i want her first word to be the f-word. >> you shouldn't use that first word. i would say like -- well -- it's not really a bad word, but it is kind of bad for little babies. but the first word i would use is like shut up. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: shut up? the first thing the baby should say is shut up? >> so for the first year she should say shut up. and then the next year something a little -- >> jimmy: progressively worse. >> one year badder. like one -- >> jimmy: building up to the f-word. >> yes. >> jimmy: at her high school

graduation. >> or maybe college. >> jimmy: or maybe college. >> the f-word is a really bad word for little kids. >> jimmy: all right. what are some other words that i should not say around the baby? >> b-word. >> jimmy: the b-word? what is the b-word? >> it's just like pitch, but you say "b." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: horrible pitch. >> no. >> jimmy: yeah, that is a bad one. >> no. like b-i-t-c and then the last one -- >> jimmy: b-i-t-c? bitc? >> this is the last time i'm telling you. b-i-t-c, and then there's the last word like for pitch. >> jimmy: oh, p. b-i-t-c-p. who do you think should teach

the baby to fight? >> the dad. >> jimmy: the dad should. yeah. because i was thinking and let me know if you think this is a good idea. that if i teach my baby to beat everyone she sees up, just to start beating people up -- >> no. >> jimmy: -- then nobody will bully the baby. like wait. let me show you something. watch. let me show you something. so that's what i want to teach the baby. >> you shouldn't teach it that. >> jimmy: why not? >> like if she wants to be a nice baby -- >> jimmy: right. >> you should teach him nice stuff and -- >> jimmy: but i have to teach the baby to steal. >> no. >> jimmy: why not? >> stealing is way bad because -- >> jimmy: what about lighting fires? >> i just want to get to the point. because babies don't do bad stuff. and you -- >> jimmy: this one does.

this is a bad kid. this is a really bad kid. >> i'm trying to do this. my voice hurts. i'm telling you the last time. [ laughter ] don't be really mean to babies. they're just born. >> jimmy: i'm not going to be mean. i'm going to be very nice to my baby. but this baby's going to be a real character. a real tough customer. >> they don't do anything. not even drink wine or like something else. that's not how you do that. >> jimmy: i said nothing about wine. i don't know where you got that from. [ laughter ] did you drink wine when you were a baby? are you drunk right now? >> you know who's trying to treat the baby to be drunk? >> jimmy: who? >> is you.

you're trying to treat the baby to be mean. i'm trying to tell you to be nice to the baby. do you know what i mean? do you know what i am talking about? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think we just have philosophical differences about how to raise a child. which is okay. it's okay. well, thanks for your time. and i'm going to -- you know, i'm going to think about the stuff that you said to me. okay? and i'm going to ignore it, but i'm going to think about it. [ laughter ] all right? thanks a lot. your shoe is in the street. >> liar. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: don't worry. he found his shoe. and we hired him as our nanny. thanks, vere. tonight on the show todd glass is here. we have music from ok go. and we'll be right back with john stamos. so stick around. [ cheers and applause ]

so what ya got on deck? skyfall. lean in, then some pinterest, you? twitter. minecraft and then some hunger games. boom. wow, you guys are all set, huh? oh yeah, new amazon fire phone. it comes with amazon prime - tons of cool stuff for no extra charge.

really? it comes with amazon prime? yeah, there's so much to watch. i've been on this earth nine years, i've never seen anything like it. the new amazon fire phone, with a full year of prime included. exclusively on at&t.

can you t! that's our new interactive speaker wall. 'sup? thinks it's a speak-ing wall. this can even dim your lights. your 3-d--printed girlfriend will love that. real mature. there you go. a laser drone for cats. i wish i had lasers. i don't. pew pew pew... the new radioshack is finally here. the store of your past is now the store of your future. come see one of our remodeled stores and save 50 percent off skullcandy headphones. or get a 20-dollar gift card with air raid speaker purchase.

>> jimmy: tonight on the program, a very funny man with an interesting and funny new memoir. it's called "the todd glass situation." the one and only todd glass is here. [ cheers and applause ] todd is dyslexic, he had a heart attack on stage while doing stand-up. and he came out of the closet at age 48. i'd known him for ten years. i had no idea he was gay. i had dinner at his home. we made love. i still had no idea. [ laughter ] so todd has an interesting story. it's in that book. and then, this is their ep called "upside out." the always exceptionally entertaining ok go from the at&t outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, oh, what a show we have tomorrow night. chef gordon ramsay will be here. bobcat goldthwait will be with us. and we'll have music from common. and on thursday, from "the leftovers" on hbo, justin theroux, angie harmon, and music from 5 seconds of

summer. so join us for those programs too. our first guest tonight is a veteran actor of stage and screen and i will admit, a man whose poster is still on my bedroom wall. his new movie is called "my man is a loser." it opens on v.o.d. and select theaters friday. please say hello to john stamos. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i assume that's -- [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you very much. jimmy, congratulations. >> jimmy: thank you very much. i appreciate it. >> i'm so happy for and you molly. baby jane. you have a new baby. >> jimmy: i know. i know. >> i spent a lot of time and

energy finding the perfect gift for young baby jean -- jane. >> jimmy: jane. yeah, yeah, yeah. spent a lot of energy getting the gift. not that much on her name. [ laughter ] >> i think this is the perfect gift for baby jane. >> jimmy: oh, look at that. this is the perfect gift for baby jane. it's a -- what? it's a rockin' uncle jesse doll. [ cheers and applause ] let me see what else -- wait a minute. >> if you look at the front there's a guitar and all that stuff. i have to get my glasses because i'm 92. i was at a party last night. we had a premiere of "my man is a loser." a sexy young girl came up and said you want to see my tongue ring? i said hold on a second. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: can i tell you? that's never happened to me. >> no? >> jimmy: i've never had a sexy girl -- >> it says warning, this product contains small parts. [ laughter ] i didn't like that. >> jimmy: i don't think that reflects on you. >> congratulations. >> jimmy: you really want me --

i feel like this is your nest egg and i'm taking it from you. >> no, no. i'm so happy for the two of you. and i've started a new service. a nanny service. >> jimmy: you have. oh, you have business cards. >> look at that. any time you and molly want to go somewhere -- >> jimmy: look at that. >> jane is safe with me. you can go for two or three weeks. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you will go to any lengths to lure women into your trap, won't you? >> i'm very good with kids. >> jimmy: yeah, i'll bet you are. have you ever changed a diaper? >> my own or -- >> jimmy: anyone's. >> i don't think i have. >> jimmy: you don't think you have. well. i don't know if you're qualified, then. i have to say. did you ever change any of the diapers on "full house"? i guess you wouldn't. that would be weird if you were changing children who aren't yours diapers. >> dave liked to do the diapers. >> jimmy: is that right? dave coulier liked to change strangers' diapers. you sent me some photographs. you said you e-mailed them to me. i don't think i ever got these pictures. >> you're talking about the

pizza oven? >> jimmy: yeah. >> jimmy has like 17 pizza ovens in his house. one in the bathroom. one downstairs. i always wanted a -- first of all, i idolize the guy. >> jimmy: obviously. >> i wanted to cook. and i wanted a pizza oven. but it's been a complete disaster. >> jimmy: why has it been a disaster? first of all, you don't look happy doing, it which is a problem. >> it's not supposed to smoke that much, is it? >> jimmy: well, it depends on what you've got in there. is this in colorado or here -- [ laughter ] >> in the backyard i was out of town and i thought i want to get a pizza oven like jimmy kimmel. i called my housekeeper and said get a pizza oven. it's the size of a church. it's a big -- you know, you can pray to it. but i've had not one edible -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a pizza? >> and everybody knows let's go to stamos's house for [ bleep ] pizza. i'm not kidding. it's [ bleep ]. we go -- >> jimmy: this is really what happened? >> and these are all different nights. >> jimmy: they are? >> yeah. hey, stamos, can we have some [ bleep ] pizza?

>> jimmy: it didn't look like it came out good. >> no. >> jimmy: how are you doing it? is there something -- >> clearly wrong. >> jimmy: yeah, well, wrong. >> and i call him too, or e-mail. i say what am i doing here? >> jimmy: i don't think i've gotten any of these. lighter fluid is not good for the pizza oven, no. >> you have to keep it -- you have to get at that time a certain temperature. then it has to stay at that temperature. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but i haven't quite figured that part out. >> jimmy: and yet you don't need to make a whole round pizza to get women to come to your bed, do you? you can feed them -- you could feed them the shreds of any kind of garbage and yet they still display their tongue rings and -- [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm here to dispel this rumor. you and howard, i love you guys, and you always say such nice things -- >> jimmy: howard stern? >> yeah. but this is really not me. and this connects with the movie "my man is a loser." it's about two married guys and they go to their single guy to help spice up their relationships. the difference between this movie is it's not like i'm taking the vegas to have sex with strippers. i want -- i believe in the

institution of marriage. and the character -- >> jimmy: the character. you personally do not. >> no, no. [ laughter ] completely non-biographical. believe me. but no, i do, honestly. in my real life i do. that's the point i'm getting at. you get caught up in living this -- so guys like you can live vicariously through me. but the truth is -- [ laughter ] the truth is -- >> jimmy: my pizzas are beautiful, by the way. [ laughter ] >> you need the pizza. i don't. [ laughter ] kidding. >> jimmy: hey. i wish you were kidding. [ laughter ] but it's absolutely true. >> i am so happy. i would -- i would switch my life in two seconds to have a beautiful wife like you do and a baby and -- >> jimmy: she'll go to you. i mean -- [ laughter ] it wouldn't even take two seconds. >> that's sort of the theme of the movie. the love is right under his -- and it's about the grass is not greener. and i've been on both sides.

i mean, my character has been on both sides. i have as well. and you find a nice lawn like molly. you water it. you fertilize it. you take care of it. does it make any sense? >> jimmy: well, the fertilizing part is weird. [ laughter ] >> you've got to throw some [ bleep ] on it once in a while. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's take a break. i want to dig deeper into your -- because i don't believe this for one second. john stamos is here. his movie is "my man is a loser." we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] olive garden's buy one, take one, starting at just $12.99. it's back, but not for long.

choose from a variety of entrees to enjoy today. like new creamy citrus chicken, and take home a second entrée free! buy one, take one starting at just $12.99. at olive garden. ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ you can ring my bell [ male announcer ] sometimes you just need to spice things up. ring my bell. ring my bell. [ male announcer ] new oscar mayer deli fresh bold. made with 100% turkey breast and real cajun spices. who would have thoughtw masterthree cheese lasagnabold. would go with chocolate cake and ceviche? the same guy who thought that small caps and bond funds would go with a merging markets. it's a masterpiece. thanks. clearly you are type e. you made it phil. welcome home. now what's our strategy with the fondue? diversifying your portfolio? e*trade gives you the tools and resources to get it right. are you type e*?

uh, hi. i'm here to drop off my password? . i'm sorry, i'm just here to what's the password. uh,synergy? datafication! gamification! university of phoenix has had alumni at every fortune 100 company... ...so we can help open the door to your future. go to phoenix.edu to get started today.

hey pal? you ready? can you pick me up at 6:30? ah... (boy) i'm here! i'm here! (cop) too late. i was gone for five minutes! ugh! move it. you're killing me. you know what, dad? i'm good. (dad) it may be quite a while before he's ready, but our subaru legacy will be waiting for him. (vo) the longest-lasting midsize sedan in its class. introducing the all-new subaru legacy. it's not just a sedan. it's a subaru. how are you going to take what learned in your single life and have us apply it to our married life? you have sex with beautiful strangers, and we make waffles at 7:00 a.m. >> because everything i say, everything i do when it comes to women, is about connection. you understand? you, my boys, have lost your ability to connect with your wives. >> you're right. i can't even connect the cable.

>> i hate my life. >> you won't hate yourself after i'm done with you because i'm going to bring back everything you lost. >> like my manhood? >> jimmy: that's john stamos in "my man is a loser." michael rapaport too. [ cheers and applause ] >> again, what i liked about this, you give them tips to nourish their relationship. bring back the spontaneity, be funny, all the stuff you have. >> jimmy: and yet you say in real life you don't feel that way, in real life you'd rather be in a stable situation. maybe we should put you on "the bachelor." that's where to find love. [ cheers and applause ] >> in all honesty, i've accomplished everything i've ever wanted to do in life except for having a baby. that's really what -- the only thing that -- >> jimmy: it's really easy. i could show you how to do it. >> okay. [ laughter ] it's easier than making pizza. it really is. [ laughter ] >> burned another baby, damn it. >> jimmy: are you going to go on tour with the beach boys this summer as is your tradition? >> yes. i just did about 20 shows. and then i'm off promoting the movie a little bit, then back on the road next week. >> jimmy: what do you like more,

acting or playing with those guys? >> the beach boys have been the highlight of my life. you know, but i'm very fortunate that i can do different things. television, movies, broadway. the theater's been really one of my -- >> jimmy: you've done a lot of things. >> well, i'm 72 next month. [ laughter ] it's the yogurt. i put it on -- >> jimmy: it's working. >> yeah. but that's my favorite. i got to do a play last year with james earl jones, which was -- >> jimmy: oh, wow. darth vader. >> yeah. you hear that beautiful voice. and he was just one of the most wonderful gentlemen on the planet but he was very flirty in a cute way. >> jimmy: with you? >> yes. we'd be doing like the curtain calls. >> jimmy: am i james earl jones? >> no, you're me. >> jimmy: why are we holding hands? >> why not? curtain. i'm james and he's me. and we bend down. "there are some beautiful boobies in the third row." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. >> swear to god. yeah.

and we'd go down to his dressing room and he had a stool. you know, he was the voice of mufasa, right? >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> and we had this running gag. he did it once and then i would tee him up each night for it. there was a crowd and he goes bring all your friends down. i said, james, there's no room for this young lady to sit down. he goes, "well, sit on my face." >> jimmy: what does that have to do with mufasa? >> oh, sorry. didn't i say? on the stool there was a painting of mufasa. [ laughter ] swear to god. every single night. and he would come in and he'd look at me like wait for the straight line. james, there's nowhere to sit. "on my face." >> jimmy: john stamos, everybody. the movie's called "my man is a loser." it will be available on v.o.d. and in select theaters on friday. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world.

can i hel? i'm looking for a phone plan. it has to be a great one, and i don't compromise. ok, how about 10 gigs of data to share, unlimited talk and text, and you can choose from 2 to 10 lines. wow, sounds like a great deal. so i'm getting exactly what i want, then? appears so. now, um, i'm not too sure what to do with my arms right now 'cause this is when i usually start throwing things. oh, that's terrifying. at&t's best-ever family pricing. plans for 2-10 lines, 10 gigs of truly shareable data, starting at $130 per month. ♪ome into the sears labor day event. where you can shop more award winning appliances than anywhere else. ♪ plus save 40% or more on appliance super buys... like 42% off this kenmore refrigerator. and 43% off this kenmore laundry pair. ♪ get free delivery on all appliances over $399. sears. performance starts here.

♪ an extraordinary burger with heaps of jalapeños...ered ...now for just two dollars. they also discovered the phenomenon of "economnomnomics" nomnom... nom? mcdonald's dollar menu and more. it's economnomnomcial. some drinks are hardly refreshing. i think we'll grab a redd's wicked apple. (trailing off) haaa new redd's wicked apple refreshingly hard. has this kind of passion, this kind of innovation, engineering, design and performance... been available... for this kind of price. the 2014 cla from mercedes-benz. see your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz

financial services.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: some very exciting news. the rockin' uncle jesse doll just got a bratz doll pregnant. so congratulations. [ laughter ] todd glass and music from ok go are on the way. but first let's see what gabourey sidibe has for us tonight on "gaby."

>> hey, there, jimmy. tonight we have josh hartman, quinn beneath paltrow's wheatgrass and baba swami johnson. plus i hit the streets for a brand new edition of "gabbing with gaby." >> what's a pancreas? >> what? >> a pancreas. [ laughter ] >> we may never find out. all that and more tonight on "gaby." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, gabourey. we look forward to that. we'll be right back with todd glass. [ cheers and applause ] there's a reason it's called an "all you can eat" buffet... and not a "have just a little" buffet. because what we all really want is more. that's why verizon is giving you even more. now, for a limited time, get more data! 1 gb of bonus data every month with every new smartphone or upgrade. our best ever pricing with the more everything plan and 50% off all new smartphones. like the htc one m8 for windows or android. built to inspire envy.

come get your more with verizon. you knowfine barbecue,merica? good times and zero heartburn. ♪ and that's why i take prilosec otc each morning for my frequent heartburn. because it gives me... zero heartburn! prilosec otc. the number 1 doctor-recommended frequent heartburn medicine for 9 straight years. >>you can't beat zero heartburn. prilosec otc. one pill each morning. 24 hours. zero heartburn. [ femdegree improved too those taking steps to improve, with new degree motionsense. the only antiperspirant that releases extra protection as you move, to keep you fresher long after secret fades. [ cheers and applause ] protection improved so you can do more. ♪

♪ you can ring my bell [ male announcer ] sometimes you just need to spice things up. ring my bell. ring my bell. [ male announcer ] new oscar mayer deli fresh bold.

made with 100% turkey breast and real cajun spices.

nds] [ male announcer ] new oscar mayer deli fresh bold. the wait is over for even faster internet. xfinity is now doubling the internet speed... ...on two of our most popular plans. xfinity continues to innovate, bringing you the fastest, most reliable internet...period. xfinity internet from comcast, now double the speed.

>> jimmy: still to come, music from ok go. our next guest is a comedian, podcaster, and now book writer. "the todd glass situation" is his story of being jewish, dyslexic, closeted, and very funny. it is a tale for all todds everywhere. please say hello to comedy's national treasure, todd glass. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[ cheers and applause ] it's so rare that anyone gets a standing ovation on this show. >> how does it happen? don rickles, me, and maybe the president. >> jimmy: not the president, no. just you and don rickles. that was incredible. and here i am thinking almost none of these people have any idea who you are. [ laughter ] todd, why did you call the book "the todd glass situation"? >> well, honestly? >> jimmy: yeah. >> because the first title they wouldn't let me call it. >> jimmy: what did you want to call it? >> genuinely the title was if i could only meet a girl. all i wanted to do was meet a girl with a terminal disease. that would confuse people. but then the subtitle was "and other stupid things i said to

keep the closet door shut," which would sort of explain it. because my theory was when i was 21 -- it had nothing to do with making fun of anybody with a terminal disease. you know i would never do that. >> jimmy: you'd be the last person in the whole world to ever do something like that, yes. >> is that i had a pathetic plight of trying to stay hidden, that if i could meet a girl who had a terminal disease, i would fall in love with her, then she'd die and when i was 90 i'd be like i never could meet another girl like karen. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so that would be my -- that would be the answer. >> jimmy: people would fall all over themselves loving you for something like that. >> yeah. i didn't think about the actual person dying. >> jimmy: yeah, well, you know. it's not like you could have saved them. [ laughter ] you decided a couple of years ago in your late 40s -- >> hey, jimmy, why you got to say the age? strike two. >> jimmy: to come out of the closet. >> i'd like to not interrupt you. or to interrupt you. i'd like to toughen the words up a little. instead of saying come out of the closet, it sounds a little feminine. i like to say busting out of the shed.

[ laughter ] yeah, that's right. i'm still a man! look at that. a lot of body hair too. by the way, before the show i saw john stamos. the people backstage. i was like looking in the mirror before i came out here. i go did john stamos look in the mirror? they go -- [ nodding ] >> jimmy: how could he not? >> exactly. >> jimmy: with a face like that. >> so i'm sorry. what were you going to say? >> jimmy: i don't know what i was going to say. i do know you have a lot of friends or comedians, obviously. who said the funniest thing to you when you came out of the closet? of all your friends. >> well, i know you're going to think i'm just saying this but that's what we were just talking about backstage. i'm like, well, jimmy texted me something so funny. and this is not the best outcome. i don't remember what it was. but i remember thinking that's a good one. but spade called me with a very funny message. david spade. and he said, "todd, listen, i know i'm your friend." he goes, "i shouldn't even have to say this."

he goes, "i don't care." he goes, "i know a therapist, he can help you." [ laughter ] and then he goes, "listen, maybe i can make this work for me." he goes, "do you know any -- maybe, you, me, and do you know any black people? we could walk around the mall, maybe i could get some good press out of this?" >> jimmy: i have to say was surprised by this, but when i go back and kind of look back at things i shouldn't have been surprised. but the thing that really struck me most about you, and my girlfriend at the time, both of us, which we could not get over how well decorated your house was. [ laughter ] we went to your house for dinner. we're like his house is beautiful. the furniture is nice. everything is so great. he's living there with another guy. his roommate. you'd think these two slobs would have a real mess on their hands. [ laughter ] i swear to god. we'd talk about it all the time. >> i know. one of the things that was funny is like a friend of mine told me, my friend daniel, he goes, i thought todd's a pretty successful comedian. why does he have a roommate?

i'm like, is that what people are saying? i'd rather admit i'm gay than have a roommate at my age! >> jimmy: todd's not doing so good. >> why does he have a roommate? >> jimmy: but you bought the house. i figured, well, you know, some kind of financing thing. something was going on. little did i know. gay. but i have to say i'm very happy for you. i really was. because that must be such a difficult thing to go through life like that, pretending around your closest friends, to have to pretend like that. even strangers you kept it from. >> well, yeah.h0fc it's a lot of plate spinning. it really is a tremendous amount of plate spinning. and you think to yourself, i got comfortable in this. i didn't want it to be my identity. so i was a little nervous. but it hasn't become my identity. but now we're promoting a book obviously i'm talking about it. but we would get into the most ridiculous -- hiding it from people who didn't care. we had a situation on our block where there was a -- the police had to knock on every door because they had to evacuate the neighborhood which was because there was sort of a bomb scare

right after 9/11. so the police knocked on our door. me and chris saw that the police were knocking on the door. he runs into the spare bedroom and messes up the bed. and we're not stupid. like, we get it. like, this is so pathetic. when they call it a bomb scare, there's something a little fishy here. [ laughter ] the funny thing about the extra bedroom was there was always luggage and stuff all over it. and my friend lynn would come over every time who knew about me, knew about my situation, which is what i called it. he knew about my situation. he would always -- but every time the joke got funnier and funnier. he would go, god, you have to take all that stuff off that extra bed every night, don't you? s [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is something. now you also tell some stories that have nothing to do with that kind of stuff including a great story, which is i love, something i definitely would have done. you used to drive around in what looked like a police car. >> oh. a friend of mine -- well, i did it before we even had a police car. but a friend of mine when we were like 20 bought an old cop car.

but it looked real. >> jimmy: a crown vic or something? >> a crown vic. but it wasn't one where they spray-painted lapd on the side. you know, that's obviously an out of service lapd car. this one looked real. and when i was 20 i looked 40. i looked 40 my whole life. [ laughter ] so we would literally pull people over. and by the way, i get it now as a full-grown adult how dangerous that is. but i didn't when i was younger. so one day we -- i talk about this in the book. we pulled somebody over. i go up to the car, and it's my -- i swear to you, this is a true story. it's my principal. [ laughter ] it's my principal. which by the way, when you tell stories from a long time ago sometimes you're worried the crowd's doing math. wait a second. why is he 20 if he's in high school? well, that's another -- that's in the book, too. [ laughter ] but he goes, it was mr. yoakum, if you're out there. he goes, turns to his friend, i don't know who he was driving to school with, i don't know what his situation was -- [ laughter ] but he goes, "that's one of mine."

i'm like, oh, god. i thought -- i tried to -- i remember with detail what i said to him when i was in his office two hours later. i go, "i knew it was you. you think i'd just like pull random people over?" [ laughter ] but that's what i did. >> jimmy: well, the book is called "the todd glass situation." buy it. read it even. it's available now. see todd this weekend at the helium comedy club in portland, oregon and august 2nd at the comedy cabaret in bucks county, p.a. thank you, todd. todd glass. we'll be right back with ok go. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world.

jenny jenny carlos alex carlos good morning burrito team! we set out to make a bigger, tastier breakfast burrito and i think we nailed it. introducing bigger, better breakfast burritos. the grande sausage, packed with hash browns, sausage, and creamy sriracha sauce and the meat lovers, sburritos so big, they make severything look smaller.a warm guerrero tortilla.g, they make

the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world. >> jimmy: i want to thank john stamos, todd glass, the creature and his creators. i want to apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is up next. but first, this is their e.p. it's called "upside out." here with the song "the writing's on the wall", ok go! ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ listen i know it's been hard

you know it's no different for me ♪ ♪ we're less than a zero sum game now and baby we both know that's not how it's supposed to be ♪ ♪ the writing's on the wall it seems like forever since we had a good day the writing's on the wall ♪ ♪ but i just want to get you high tonight ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ and i just want to see some pleasure in your eyes some pleasure in your eyes ♪ ♪ i go too hot and you go too cold and we both fall apart ♪ ♪ then you bring your mind to

rest against mine but the mind has no say on affairs of the heart ♪ ♪ the writing's on the wall it seems like forever since we had a good day the writing's on the wall ♪ ♪ but i just want to get you high tonight ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ and i just want to see some pleasure in your eyes some pleasure in your eyes ♪ ♪ ♪ then you bring your mind to rest against mine but the mind has no say on affairs of the heart ♪

♪ the writing's on the wall it seems like forever since we had a good day the writing's on the wall ♪ ♪ but i just want to get you high tonight ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ and i just want to see some pleasure in your eyes some pleasure in your eyes ♪ ♪ i just want to get you high just want to get you high ♪ ♪ just want to get you high ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ even if it's the last thing we do together ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh even if it's the last thing we do together ♪

[ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline." tonight -- >> my name is peter theo curtis, i'm a journalist in the city of boston, massachusetts, usa. >> taken by terrorists. his mother speaks for the first time about what it really takes to get a prisoner out alive. with lives on the line it's big business. possible blood money. we're going inside the world of the hostage negotiator. takeout takedown. think you're getting a great deal delivered? >> you give them your credit card information and nothing comes because it's a thief. >> potential predators have all kinds of ways to get their hands on your money. watch when authorities say these two were caught red-handed on camera. who is