"jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, chef gordon ramsay. from "undateable," bridgit mendler. and comedian beth stelling. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel!

>> jimmy: thank you for coming. thank you for watching. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: i'm glad for your enthusiasm. did you know today's national pancake day? president obama this morning pardoned a pancake on the white house lawn. his wife won't let them eat them. national pancake day was established back in 2006 by ihop. which means it's an international holiday. they gave free pancakes to anyone that came in, which is a scary thing to do now that marijuana is legal in 23 states. a waitress could lose a hand. but hey, i have an idea. let's see in our virtual studio audience celebrated national

pancake day. fire up our wall of america. these people are watching the show from their houses, their offices, wherever -- hello, everyone. how you doing? >> hi. >> hello! >> jimmy: see, they're all talking at once. let's start with sharon from manassas, virginia. how are you? >> how are you? >> jimmy: did you celebrate national pancake day? >> actually, i didn't. i went to the gym today. >> jimmy: you did what? >> i went to the gym today. >> jimmy: to the jail? >> gym, gym, to work out. >> jimmy: so instead of pancakes, you chose exercise. what do you do for a living, sharon? >> i am a sexual health

edutainer. >> jimmy: what does that mean . >> i help keep married women married. all women help and educated about their sexual health. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: is ts like "fifty shades of grey," does it throw a handcuff in the works there? >> it has helped our business tremendously. >> jimmy: well, congratulations. happy pancake day. let's from gainesville, florida. >> go gators. i wanted to take my mom, but she thought there was a catch like we had to tip the waiter our something, so we didn't go.

>> jimmy: you wouldn't want to do that. you're going to florida right now? >> yes. yes, sir. >> jimmy: what are you studying there? >> i'm studying production. i want to be a sports caster. >> jimmy: harold, please, please tell me that you celebrated national pancake day. >> no, i did not. sorry. >> jimmy: unbelievable. why not? >> because i was eating barbecue today for lunch. >> jimmy: you were eating barbecue. that's a good reason. what do you do for a living, harold? >> i'm a general manager of a semi-professional football team. the west texas drillers. >> jimmy: the west texas drillers. i never heard of that. do you get big crowds to come to the game? >> oh, yeah. big crowds, big crowds. >> jimmy: the drillers, huh? >> yeah. and our mascot looks a lot like

you, jimmy. >> jimmy: does it really? >> yes, i have a bobble head of him right here. >> jimmy: let me have a look there. yeah. it's a dead ringer. why is he wearing a baseball batting helmet for a football team? >> that's a hard hat. he's a driller in the oil field. >> jimmy: oh, i see. i see. maybe we'll hook him up with sharon, and they can get some sexual education going on. all right, well, thank you, harold, so nobody celebrated national pancake day today. if you want to be a part of the wall of america, it's easy. you go to jimmy kimmel live.com and all the information is there. oh, thanks. that's the wall of america. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: it's weird, right? and you know people are going to be naked on that thing eventually. [ laughter ] in bakersfield, taco bell started testing a new dessert

item called captain crunch delights. warm doughnut holes filled with sugary cream and rolled in captain crunch. they really know how to capture the flavors of old mexico. taco bell is essentially what you get if you gave a stoner a research and development team. captain crunch delights come in packs of two for $1. or 12 for $4.49. to me they look like something you would feed a baby clown. this is what happens when people start thinking outside the bun. i'm sure you heard by now, leonard nimoy, our beloved mr. spock passed away last week. which is a huge loss for us in the united states. in canada, where he is not even from, they've been paying him unusual tribute, they've been drawing on their $5 bills like this.

they call it spocking. and the idea is, you draw some spock ears and hair and eyebrows on the guy, whoever that guy is. i'm not sure. spocking, by the way, is not illegal in canada, although it could incur the wrath of kong. someone wrote "live long and prosper" on this. that one's a nice work of art. that's very well done. it's something canadians have been doing for years. i can think of no better way to honor the life and legacy of leonard nimoy than by defacing canadian currency, perfectly logical. are any of you in on tindr? it's a very popular dating app. it's free, but they have a new premium service called tindr plus.

it has a rewind feature that lets you undo accidental swipes. if you like somebody you swipe them. and it lets you connect with other people in other cities. in other words, it's a full-fledged prostitution ring. it will cost you $9.99 a month, and if you're 30 and up, it costs $19.99 a month, in you were already not depressed about being single. there's a new one for kids called tindr garden. it seems unfair to charge people more. it encourages people to lie more about their age than they already do. let's put that up. name, beverly. on weekends can you find me at jo ann's fabric store.

age 25. this one's name is harold. i'm passionate about life and looking forward to spending my golden years with a lady who feels the same, and he's 18. and about earl, i've got two prosthetic hips and ready to dip. age 21. [cheers and applause] the good news is, they still get the senior discount at hometown buffet. this might be the best signoff to a newscast that i've ever seen, and it comes courtesy of paul majors. >> remember, we're always on at cbsla.com. join our street team. good not everybody. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what the hell was that? [cheers and applause] did a swarm of bees fly up his

pants? i have to say, i've watched that nine times and can't come up with any explanation for why that happened other than paul majors might be crazy. speaking of crazy, there's a photo of a weasel riding a woodpecker that's been online today. this is it. some people see a brown weasel. others say the weasel is blue and black. the photograph was taken at a park in london on monday. apparently the weasel's uber driver canceled and the woodpecker showed up. put that up again. a lot of people are saying that's very sweet and ah, like they're the leo and kate of the animal kingdom, but the wildlife experts say the weasel's pro probably trying to kill the woodpecker. usually you would only see that if you were hallucinating on

mushrooms. here's an incredible piece of security video from lexington, kentucky. woman was working at her family's tobacco shop. two men tried to rob the shop and got a hell of a lot more than they bargained for. >> reporter: it was just another night for zara behind the counter clerking out customers. then you see two men walk in slowly. they have masks on and their heads are down. one walks up from behind and demands cash. he has a gun. the he opens the cash register but sets the gun down, giving her an opportunity to take control. >> i pointed it to the second guy. run or i'll shoot you. >> reporter: he leaves his partner in crime behind. now it's adele and the other man. he attacks her. the two wrestle. adele says she shoots the man in the shoulder. he's now begging for his life. the 21 year old told the man she would let him go if he promised to leave the money alone. but as you can see, he goes

right for it. >> he broke the deal we had. >> reporter: the man takes the drawer full of money and heads for the door, but not without a fight. adele grabs the man and the two tangle up. the man eventually gets away, but without the money. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: that's something else. joining us now on the big screen, the hero in that, adele. that was incredible. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> jimmy: so tell us what happened. >> i was just, my mom had left to go do something, and she had just left for like an hour. and at 10:00 we locked the door because she been robbed in the first week of january, so i had locked the door at 6:50 and a customer was inside, taking about ten to 15 minutes, and i decided to walk away from the door. meanwhile, i was taking a customer, giving him his change

for $100. before i could do anything, two guys came in, and i look up, and they're going towards the office, and i was about to walk up to them and tell them you can't go that way. turns out, they turn to the register and started demanding money. >> jimmy: wow. had anything like this ever happened to you before? >> no. >> jimmy: had you ever fired a gun before? >> no. >> jimmy: how much money were we talking about here that you put your life in danger for? >> $1500. >> jimmy: $1500. and where did you learn to fight like that? >> my brother and my sister. >> jimmy: you fight your brother and your sister. i'd like to see you take on -- [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: i don't know if you're aware of this, the news just came in. but they caught the guy. >> oh, yeah, my neighbor just told me. >> jimmy: your neighbor just told you. and apparently, he's potentially involved in a number of other robberies. so really, you took down a serial, a potential serial

robber. that's pretty amazing. [cheers and applause] outside our street here in hollywood, we have a bunch of guys dressed up as super heroes. they do nothing! here you are dressed up as a normal college student, yes? what are you studying there at college? >> i think biology, but i want to become a trauma surgeon. >> jimmy: oh, so then you can operate on people that you've shot. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's good. i know it's only the beginning of march, but do you think you'll be employee of the month at this store? you don't think so? >> no. >> jimmy: do you have a message for anyone who is planning to rob your store? >> don't do what the guy did. don't put your gun down. >> jimmy: don't put your gun down? okay, well, that's good advice. thank you, you're a very brave -- don't ever do that

again, okay? all right. very good. that's zara mo don't go away. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, we have comedian beth stelling. bridgit mendler is here. and we'll be right back with gordon ramsay. so stick around. i'm louis, and i quit smoking with chantix. i told myself for so long that i needed to quit smoking. i would quit then i'd go right back to it. chantix absolutely helped me quit smoking. along with support, chantix (varenicline) is proven to help people quit smoking. chantix helped reduce my urge to smoke. some people had changes in behavior, thinking or mood, hostility, agitation, depressed mood and suicidal thoughts or actions while taking or after stopping chantix. some people had seizures while taking chantix. if you have any of these, stop chantix and call your doctor right away. tell your doctor about any history of mental health problems, which could get worse while taking chantix or history of seizures.

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>> jimmy: hello again. tonight, from the show "undateable," bridgit mendler is here. then later, a very funny woman, her name is beth stelling will stand up and do comedy. tomorrow night, we have quite a show with vince vaughn, mike tyson, and music from drew holcomb and the neighbors. and thursday, naomi watts, reggie miller, and music from carly rae jepson. >> jimmy: our first guest tonight puts the f in chef - he cursed his way across the atlantic to criticize our crab cakes and insult our soups. his show, "hell's kitchen" airs tuesday nights at 8 on fox. please welcome chef gordon ramsay. [cheers and applause]

♪ >> good to see you. >> jimmy: very good to see you. and happy national pancake day. did you go to ihop and get free pancakes today? >> no. i love pancakes, but we celebrated that last month in the u.k. >> jimmy: you have your own national pancake day? >> shrove tuesday. [ bleep ]. they're thinner. yours are quite thick. >> jimmy: thank you. >> i didn't say they're more delicious. >> jimmy: what does shrove mean? >> i don't know, but it's something mum used to say. >> jimmy: i'm always surprised when you show up, because first of all, you're very strong. your handshake alone is intimidating, and physically, i

find it offputting that a chef is in such excellent shape. >> thank you. >> jimmy: because to me, the message is i will not eat my own cooking. >> no. come on. that's a good point. i was a fat chef once. >> jimmy: you were? >> i was overweight. i think we all put a little weight on somewhere in our life, huh? >> jimmy: yeah. >> you have ever been pudgy? >> jimmy: i am right now! you should see -- >> i'm always a little more cautious. so i eat well, but i train hard. >> jimmy: you do the triathlons. are you still doing that? >> the i-man. i managed to coach my wife into doing one. in hawaii, literally, i'm going to do an i-man. >> jimmy: that must be annoying to her because you're off by yourself training and how many miles, like you're spending hours a day i would imagine. >> we train together now. so a little competitive.

last saturday we took all the kids for a swim in malibu. got our wet suits on and had this amazing swim. jack and i were hanging out. and he said dad, where are the girls, where are the girls? and it was like 20 minutes later tily and holly. >> jimmy: can i be honest? i didn't understand any of the last sentence. it was all shrove tuesday to me. >> we go for this amazing swim in the ocean. you don't want to hang about in the ocean. >> jimmy: yeah, there's sharks in the ocean. >> hurry up. so it's awkward. >> jimmy: how old are your kids. >> the twins are 15. 16. >> jimmy: are they excited to be a part of the exercise with you? >> they don't curse. >> jimmy: how is that possible? is that their way of rebelling? >> no, i tried to teach them some sign language. so i said, look, cursing is not smart. it's an industry language, and

sometimes daddy lets it slip. so i cover with some nice alternatives to curse words. so rather than saying the word [ bleep ], which is not nice. shiitake. >> jimmy: like the mushroom. >> it's not nice saying the word [ bleep ], so we say the word fructose. >> jimmy: really? >> ass, asparagus. >> jimmy: i don't think that one needs to be amended. at school, that's okay with the teachers? >> no. last parents' evening i couldn't make it. i don't think it's the right word when you say mushroom [ bleep ] shiitake. mushrooms are delicious. now [ bleep ] off. >> jimmy: you're not in the pta is what i'm guessing. >> no, but they always ask me to cook at that dinner. so it's always like a busman's

holiday. >> jimmy: you must get hit up all the time like your kids' friends' parents. oh, yeah. we'll ask gordon to put on a big dinner for us. and you're like, oh, fantastic. >> [ bleep ]. i'm busy. >> jimmy: do your kids enjoy your cooking? >> they're pretty decent little chefs. >> jimmy: oh, they are? >> i think it's an important life skill, something to learn to go forward. >> jimmy: isn't it a funny thing that this is one of the basics. >> yes. >> jimmy: as far as life goes is eating. and yet so few people bother to learn how to prepare food or enjoy it. >> yeah. it scares the hell out of me. three times a day, seven days a week the rest of your life you'll eat. >> jimmy: at least. for me, at least. >> so, yeah. teaching them to cook properly i think was fundamental. a weekend now is a lot more competitive, because they cook for us. and tilly, our youngest.

she's amazing, she's got a little bit of me in her. >> jimmy: do scottish people really eat haggis? >> a traditional haggis is bloody delicious. >> jimmy: i would try it. do your kids like it? >> you know, they used to, growing up, because i warned them, that's what they've got to eat. eat it! so now they've got a little bit more discerning palates. >> jimmy: are they l.a. kids now? or do you feel like you've lost them? >> megan's 16. it's a bit difficult. yeah. they sort of start looking at boys in a different way. twins, they're still by my side. and matilda, that's my little sous chef. so we haven't lost them yet, although there's a lot more sleepovers creeping in, which i get a bit nervous about. >> jimmy: if i was the parents of the kids sleeping over, i'd

be nervous about it. >> they skype me. piss off. i'll pick you up. >> jimmy: don't worry, soon there will be tracking devices in all our children and we'll know their whereabouts all the time. >> with three girls, i think it's harder. guys are robust. girls are a little more delicate. >> jim: well, as a father, you worry a little more about the girls. >> i'm more concerned they're going to date a chef. that's the bit that scares the crap out of me. >> jimmy: and you know that is absolutely going to happen. >> and i'm going to [ bleep ] his ass. >> jimmy: when he asks for her hand in marriage, you'll probably take one of his, yeah. >> yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: gordon ramsay is here. we'll be right back. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by smooth and crunchy butterfinger peanut butter cups.

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there's no dip win that bowl.oing? they're pringles tortillas. they're so good they don't need dip. can i have some from your bowl? please. hmmm. not bad right? think i'll have some more. that's a double dip... you double dipped. pringles tortillas. so good you don't dip 'em you air dip 'em. pringles!

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>> jimmy: welcome back. guests. more with gordon ramsay. >> jimmy: gordon ramsay! "hell's kitchen" airs tuesday nights at 8 on fox. >> jimmy: you told me you made 500 episodes. >> we celebrate our 5 hundreth episode on fox. >> jimmy: a remarkable achievement. i can't believe there are chefs left out there yet to be yelled at. and they know what's going to happen. >> yeah, but they are getting better. >> jimmy: is that good for you or bad for you?

>> no, it stinks. >> jimmy: you want them to be bad. >> when you get down to the top five, top three, you're a bit of a chef behind the scenes. >> jimmy: i cook at home, but i'm certainly not in the league of any of those guys. >> i'll start backtracking. every time we come on the show, you say how good your food is. >> jimmy: i did make spaghetti for you one time. you did not say it was decent. you said it was great, and i took a whole bunch of photos. he revises history. >> i would like to put that to the test. it's a very simple exercise we do for all our chefs. before we learn how to cook, we need to learn how to taste. how good out of ten do you think your palate is? >> jimmy: i eat a lot of stuff, so i think a ten maybe. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah. >> we're going to do a taste test. >> jimmy: i don't know what's under these, and by the way, i doesn't like this idea at all. because i feel like you're going

to pull out a goat's penis and put it in my mouth. >> i wouldn't do that. >> jimmy: yes, you would. >> i wouldn't do that to you. >> jimmy: guillermo, you come over here. i need you. let me just remind you of something, you're adorable and funny and all that, but what's your number one job here? >> to protect you. >> jimmy: thank you. [cheers and applause] >> we share the same gym by the way. >> jimmy: do you not? he can't swim! you guys go to the same gym? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. >> finding nemo. >> put that on. let's start off with something simple. >> jimmy: guillermo, you go to the gym? >> in ten minutes i do. >> let's start off with something easy, okay? this thing should honestly be straightforward. open your mouth, please? wow. that's a big mouth. here you go. first one. let's start off with something simple. take your time. >> jimmy: mm-hm.

>> now you should know that one instantly. >> jimmy: yeah, this one is very, very. i feel like i ate this today. >> right. what is it? >> jimmy: it's so weird when you're blindfolded. give me another one, will you? >> are you kidding me? >> jimmy: i'm hungry. >> open up, please? excellent. come on. >> you should be able to smell that. >> jimmy: by the it's a little bit spoiled. taste that yourself and tell me that's, if that's any good. >> they're english. you should know this by heart. >> jimmy: it's a strawberry, but not a good one. it's a, you know what it is? it's a march strawberry. >> stop being so [ bleep ] fussy. >> jimmy: i have a perfect palate. what are you going to do? guillermo, will you rinse my tongue, please? >> we don't have any water. >> open wide. easy one. very easy. there you go. this one you should get. seriously, come on. >> jimmy: yeah, that's very familiar. it's a really weird thing.

>> really? jimmy, come on, please? >> jimmy: i'm thinking. >> it should be instantly, come on, straight-away. >> jimmy: i move slowly. >> it's melting in your mouth. come on. roll it round. >> you want another one? >> no, don't encourage him. i don't want him waiting on this. no. >> jimmy: i'm trying to smell it. >> you don't stick it up your nostril. >> jimmy: oh, is it one of those taco bell -- >> jimmy kimmel, come on, please! >> jimmy: i don't know. >> five seconds. >> jimmy: i don't know what it is. >> cheddar cheese. come on! >> jimmy: it's warm, and it's mushy, so it threw me off. i'm not used to having spoiled cheese in my mouth. >> here we go. third one. this one you should get instantly. >> jimmy: i know every one of

them i should get instantly. >> open wide. >> jimmy: okay. this is a hot dog. [cheers and applause] >> this one's -- >> jimmy: that, i know. i hope it's a hot dog. >> this thing has a little bit of cream in the middle. you're going to love this one. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> in you go. mm. >> jimmy: oh, that's a twinkie. [cheers and applause] >> this is embarrassing. this. >> oh, my god! >> don't say anything. he's supposed to be blindsided. >> jimmy: remember, what is your number one job, guillermo? >> to protect you. >> here we go. and in you go. now that, just the texture. >> jimmy: >> mm-hm. mm-hm. it still tastes like the twinkie. >> and then? any ideas? >> jimmy: no, give me one more

of those. >> okay. this one's a little bit special. >> jimmy: oh, no. i don't want the special one. >> the special one for a special man. >> open wide. >> jimmy: what was that, your tie? >> that was a bison's penis. >> jimmy: it wasn't bad. >> it's a sour worm. >> jimmy: what do you mean a sour worm? oh, oh. what was this? >> chicken! >> jimmy: oh, i thought it was turkey. see? we'll be right back with bridgit mendler. ♪ ♪ [woman] who is this guy? must be a movie star. [kid] i bet he's a super spy.

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>> jimmy: our next guest is a former disney channel star which, after gordon ramsay, must be a great relief for our broadcast standards department. she joins the cast of "undateable" when it returns for season two later this month on nbc. please welcome bridgit mendler.

[cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: i apologize if my breath smells like chicken and hot dogs and cheddar cheese, et cetera. do you cook yourself? >> i do. and i was just watching that backstage, and that looked miserable. >> jimmy: it wasn't miserable. but it was weird. actually, we have one left, if you want to take a -- there is one more item. would you like to do this? >> yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: you don't have to do the whole blindfold thing. just cover your eyes. and let's see, no, but you have to cover your eyes. >> oh, oh, oh. all right. >> jimmy: i know you'll probably be able to guess if you see it, all right? [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: all right. hold on. i got to prepare it, so it's good. make sure it's nice.

okay. >> sounds really ominous right now. >> jimmy: i know it seems weird, but here it comes. it's going in your mouth, and there it is. and tell me without looking what you are eating. >> it's a pancake. >> jimmy: it is a pancake! [cheers and applause] national pancake day. congratulations. >> is it really national pancake day today? >> jimmy: you haven't been paying attention to the show, have you? >> i'm just saying because i thought it was like two weeks ago. >> jimmy: every day in a way is like national pancake day, but today is the official national pancake day. and we celebrated it with a 18th of a pancake you just ate. >> because i made pancakes like at midnight a couple weeks ago. >> jimmy: do you have a medical marijuana license? sometimes that's the cause for

confusion in that area. >> i wanted it to be the day. >> jimmy: you used to be on the disney channel show "good luck charlie." kids probably chase you around and go nuts about it still today, yes? >> yes, a lot of kids have watched. i'm very thrilled about that. >> jimmy: where did you shoot that show. >> sunset >> jimmy: is it fun for you going to work as a kid every day? >> it's great. one day i was on set at l.a. center studios and a mom on the show, lee allen came up to me and said ryan gosling was on set that day, not on our set, but on "the" studio. >> jimmy: on the lot. >> so that was a big thrill. >> jimmy: did you get hold of him? >> no. >> jimmy: did you see him? >> no. but i heard. rumor has it he was there. >> jimmy: can i tell you

something? ryan gosling has sat in that chair before also. >> can i keep the chair? >> jimmy: you can take the cushion home, but we're going to need the whole chair. i should have fed you some of the chair to see if it tasted like ryan gosling. are you in college now? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you go to where, usc? >> yes. >> jimmy: what are you studying there? >> anthropology. >> jimmy: really? why? >> well, i'm interested in it for one. and i think it kind of relates to acting in the sense that, you know, understanding different people, where they come from, but it was an accident, if i'm going to be honest with you. >> jimmy: it was an accident to sign up for that major? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how can that be an accident? >> well, usc was the only school i applied to. i was a little late in the game. and my friends had all been in college for a little bit. i was, you know, late to it. and i was doing the application

all on my own. i think i, like, didn't really understand how it worked. i put down like five different things that i would potentially want to be in as a major, and i got my acceptance letter, and it's like, you're in anthropology, so. >> jimmy: because you're probably the only person that checked that box. they're like, oh, my god, we got one! >> it's me. >> jimmy: wow. now is it true that your mother goes to college with you? >> we. well, it's not like we carpool. >> jimmy: she's a student. what is she studying? >> she's in city planning. she's in a doctorate program. she's an architect. >> jimmy: do you find it annoying that she goes to college with you? >> no. >> jimmy: really? >> i think it gives both of us street cred. >> jimmy: do you hang out together? go to parties and chill in the dorms? >> we're really disappointing. we're really boring. no. like i've never car-pooled. i car-pooled one time, and

besides that, i just go to my class and i go home. >> jimmy: really. you never see her on campus or anything like that? >> no. she did, she was the one that showed me around campus the first time. >> jimmy: she did. >> she's like this is my hood. this is where you could be going. these are the restaurants. >> jimmy: do you think she a little maybe weird about the fact that you're going to her school now? >> she hasn't mentioned it, but maybe she's just thinking it. >> jimmy: maybe it's one of those things when you get dropped off by your mom, like drop me off at the corner. she's doing it to you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you're on the show "undateable." you were not on the first season of the show, right? >> no. no, no. >> jimmy: you've triumphantly joined in the second season, and who do you play? >> i play candace, an optimistic new waitress. >> jimmy: she's a waitress. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you're an actress playing a waitress. usually it's the other way around. >> and to be honest, it was a bit of a foreign world to me,

but i've been wiping tables, cleaning glasses and pretending to use the register. >> jimmy: very nice to meet you. the show is called "undateable." >> jimmy: bridgit mendler. the second season of "undateable" premieres march 17th on nbc. and we shall return with comedian beth stelling. ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by smooth and crunchy kimmel live" are brought to you by smooth and crunchy normally people wear pants. yeah that's why i'm hiding, captain obvious. not very well. i found you immediately. you know what else is easy to find? a new hotel with the hotels.com app. i don't need a new hotel room, i just need to get back into this one. gary? it's wednesday gary! i know that janet! hotels.com is more helpful than janet. it's back, olive garden's buy one take one, starting at $12.99.

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>> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny woman whom you can see live at the south by southwest festival in austin from march 14th to 17th. please say hello to beth stelling. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> thank you. thank you so, so much. >> it's so good to be here! instead of getting married and having kids. i've had a great week. i went to ikea, bought a family. it's already falling apart. i did it because i was feeling left out. my two older sisters have started families back home in ohio. a lot of people in ohio don't realize that you can put all of your things into a bag, and leave.

[ applause ] just scoot right on out. i want kids. i just don't know if i have time to come home and let them out. it's something you have to consider, you know. my mom is still home in ohio. she's very uncomfortable with anything sexual. i think it's because she's a virgin. she's been with sprint for the last 70 years and she had this little jitterbug flip phone thing that stopped working so she took it to the sprint store and was like, "my phone is broken." "and they were like, "you dropped it." she said, "i never." my mom didn't drop it. she keeps it in her quilt purse wrapped in a quilt, in another quilt. her phone rings and she's like, "see ya later!"

"hello!?!" and then no one's there. so mom asked, "how much is it to replace?" and they said, "$200." and she said, "i paid $29." they were like, "well, with the rebate and everything --" so she goes, "i just need to go home and think about it." which only a 63 year old woman can do. spend three days without a phone just to figure out whether it's cost viable. then she calls me from the landline looking for advice and i said, "yeah mom, just figure out how much longer you have left." on the plan, you monsters! so you don't have to pay to get out of it. she calls sprint back from the landline and they said, "yeah, we can answer that for you. we just need you to answer some security questionso get into your account." my mom said, "okay." and sprint goes, "who was your childhood best friend?"

my mom answers, "margeaux." sprint goes, "no." my mom goes, "was it gail?" and they were like, "no." "trudy?" "ma'am, you can really only answer this so many times. why don't you think about it and give us a call back?" my mom calls me again from the landline and she's like, "this is bogus." i was like, "it is bogus." i got her all fired up. "screw sprint, mom. screw sprint!" my mom said, "don't cuss." so she calls sprint, "i am going to be leaving your company. i am going over to my daughter's company, at&t," like i own it. and sprint goes, "okay, we're sorry to hear that. we're sprint." then my mom responds, "well, can i know who my childhood best friend is?"

thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thank you. >> jimmy: beth stelling. south by southwest in austin from march 14th to 17th. we'll be right back. ♪ "what is it that we can do that is impactful?" what the cloud enables is computing to empower cancer researchers. it used to take two weeks to sequence and analyze a genome; with the microsoft cloud we can analyze 100 per day. whatever i can do to help compute a cure for cancer, that's what i'd like to do.

♪ >> jimmy: i'd like to thank first of all beth stelling. i hope your mother gets that whole service issue of cleaned up. south by southwest. we will be there at the same time. it's beth stelling, everybody. i'd like to thank gordon ramsay, bridgit mendler and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. he will be rescheduled on a future show. nightline is next. thank you for watching. goodnight. ♪

this is "nightline." tonight, beating the bullies. world series champ curt shilling knows how to throw a fastball, but he was not prepared for what happened when he tweeted about his daughter. how this mvp dad went after the online trolls and the consequences for some of the commenters he exposed. he came from detroit to fight isis, all by himself. a christian in northern iraq. how this soldier of christ is now recruiting other americans to join the fight. it seems so simple in the movie. but in real life,