we appreciate your time. i'm dan ashley. >> i'm ama daetz. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- kurt russell. comedian jeff ross. and music from van halen from hollywood boulevard. with cleto and the cletones. and now,here's jimmy kimmel!

♪ [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: i'm glad you feel that way, because we have a very good show for you tonight, our send night of music from the newly reunited van halen. [cheers and applause] we had an incident last night. we shut down the whole street for van halen's first ever live televised performance with david lee roth. and this is something that we've been working on for months. it's a major operation to close the whole block down. 6,000 people showed up. for blocks, people were out there for hours, people came in from other countries just to see them. and not one minute after they got on stage, something

immediately went wrong. david lee roth was twirling this pole, a mettal pole. i don't know what it was. it was happening so fast. there's david spinning this thing like a baton. and you can see here in a second, in slow motion, it hits him in the nose, right there. >> oh! >> jimmy: he actually clips his nose and moves the nose. the world of baton twirling is very dangerous. so he came off stage, he said excuse me one second. our medic was trying to stop the bleeding. there was a good deal of blood, david just wanted the guys to put duct tape on it and send him back out. maybe i'll use a bandage instead since i have them. and he put the bandage on and came back out and finished the show. and immediately after the show he went to the hospital and the doctor put 14 stitches in his nose. do we think this is

also joining us, from the new movie "furious seven", kurt russell is here. and last night on comedy central, the roast of justin bieber, jeff ross. [cheers and applause] did you see the roast last night? did any of you watch it? >> yeah! >> jimmy: he really ran justin bieber through the wringer. and apparently some of the most brutal jokes got cut out. and he will share some of them. and we will not cut them out. we will cut them in. by the way, tomorrow, in case you forgot is april fool's day. these are the important things you learn from watching the show, otherwise you wake up undefended. april fool's day is a day of

mischi mischief. and we are celebrating that with a new youtube challenge. i ask you to record the fun and post it to youtube so we can put it on the show. this is from when we asked people to spray their dad with a hose for father's day. >> hey, jimmy kimmel, this is me spraying my dad with a hose. >> [ bleep ]. >> damn you! son of a -- [ bleep ] you're grounded! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: this is from the following father's day, when we told kids to serve their dad breakfast in bed the >> note happy father's day to you ♪ >> you got to be kidding me! >> jimmy: so anyway, you can see what i'm talking about.

so last night i issued a new youtube challenge for april fool's day. and what i'd like you to do, i'd like you to get video of your husband, wife, roommate, nightstand from tinder, be obvious about it, shoot video of them while they're have be coffee. once they take a sip of that coffee, say april fool's, maybe ask how it tastes. just wait. and then i would like you to immediately upload the video to youtube with the title, "hey, jimmy kimmel, i did nothing to the coffee". and be on the look out for a message from us to your youtube account. and if we get that going we'll put our favorites on the show tomorrow. it's "hey, jimmy kimmel, i did nothing to the coffee." think of it as a rare opportunity to enrage somebody for no reason at all.

radio shack, in february they filed for bankruptcy because no one had gone in there to buy anything in like nine years. but now as part of their bankruptcy transaction, they're reportedly selling their customers' personal information, even though their privacy policy explicitly stated they would not share or sell your personal information. if they have it, they're telling it. they claim that a lot of big corporations do this, and it's just business. i know they don't care anymore, because they're probably going out of business. but i have to say, considering the fact that they promised to keep our information private i am surprised about how brazen they're being. >> by now you've heard that radio shack has filed for bankruptcy. >> we're in our final days. we're down but not out. >> we've got one more plan, and it's a whopper. >> we're going to sell all of your personal information, all of it. >> you could have continued to

support us. come by occasionally and bought something. cd player, lights, walkie-talkie, even a bag of miscellaneous wires. >> we had everything you needed to build a robot. >> everything. and now you're going to pay. >> that's right, america. you [ bleep ] with the wrong person. we have your names. we have your addresses. we have your phone numbers. >> we have records of everything you've ever purchased. remember that remote control helicopter you were so excited about in '96? >> we do. the flashlight. >> the batteries, double-a, triple a, sounds like a big drawer of vibrators. >> yes, a big drawer of vibrators. the biggest drawer of vibrators around. you got questions? too bad, we got everything else.

[cheers and applause] >> jimmy: you know sears is coming for us next. a big reason why radio shack doesn't have customers anymore is amazon, the website, not the jungle. amazon has a new feature. amazon customers can now hire people to do chores and odd jobs for them, called amazon home services. you can hire a painter, a handyman, there are more than 700 categories of service. it's amazing. if you have a clogged toilet, you go on the site, they put a plumber in a box and they ship him out the same day. you can get music lessons, voice lessons, if you're getting a divorce, you can hire someone to break the news to your kids. didn't know you'd take if so personally. you know, between the shopping on amazon, the streaming video

and home service, it has never been more tempting to turn into a howard hughes hermit person who never leaves the house again. in england, princess kate started her maternity leave. isn't her whole life maternity leave? they are expecting their second child. and a popular thing to gamble on over there in great britain is what the baby's name will be. you can bet on this legally. there are places you request go. i guess it's the british version of filling out a bracket. they will have a girl name alice, four to one odds. other names with good odds, charlotte, 11- 2, victoria, 12-1. you pay a dollar. h this is how the royal family makes their money. they send someone down with a few million pounds on victoria,

and bam. william and kate have not revealed if they're having a boy or girl. if it's a boy, it should be pit bull, right? if it's a girl, kesha, righ [ applause ] nothing says i have a gambling problem quite like betting on the name of a baby. easter is coming on sunday. americans are expected to spend $16.4 billion on easter this year. which is just as jesus would have wanted. easter is, you know, easter's the most important holiday of all the christian holidays, but it doesn't have anywhere near the pop culture support that christmas has. not even close to halloween. there are no easter songs, no classic easter television specials. but we do have this easter passion between a bunny and a

cat. [ speaking in foreign language [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's how peeps are made. i like how the other cats are like, at it again. mcdonald's next month is going to test a new thing. all-day breakfast at their restaurants in san diego. which means stoners now have absolutely no motivation to get up before 10:30. this is, it's good for mcdonald's customers, but i have to say, i think it's sad for the workers. it seems to be the most fun part of the job was telling people breakfast was over. has anyone ever had pancakes and french fries together?

what would happen if you did? i think you'd probably a gremise. we came up with a simple game with a simple rule. it's called don't talk into the mic and win $10. we point a microphone at someone and tell them not to talk into it. if they obey that one rule, they win $10. but it's not as easy -- well, here we go. ♪ >> excuse me. don't talk into this mic and win $10. >> yeah, sure. >> don't talk into this mic and win $10. do you understand? you got the rules of the game? >> well, just in what you -- >> excuse me, sir, can we talk to you for a second? don't talk into this mic and win $10. >> what? >> excuse me. don't talk into this mic and win

$10. >> do i got to -- >> oh, so close. don't talk into this mic and win $10. >> oh. >> if you don't talk into the mic you win $10. you want to try again? are you ready? >> [ bleep ]. >> don't talk into this mic and win $10. you want to play? do you guys want to play the game? >> yes. >> sorry. you just lost. don't talk into this mic and win $10. do you understand the rules of the game? what's your name? you understand the rules of the game? >> yeah, you said -- >> oh, so close. excuse me, sir? don't talk into this mic and win $10. that's all you have to do. do you understand the rules? >> yeah, don't talk -- >> yeah, sorry. you just did though. >> sir? >> yeah. >> don't talk into this mic and win $10. >> uh-huh. >> excuse me?

don't talk into this mic and win $10. >> do you want to play? do you understand the rules? all right. what's your name? >> mckay -- >> oh, you lost. thanks for playing. don't talk into this mic and win $10. do you understand the rules? don't talk into this mic and win $10. do you understand? is it clear? tell me the rules. what are you looking all right. [ ding ding ding [. >> congratulations. you did it. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, we have music from van halen. jeff ross is here. and we'll be right back with kurt russell. abc's jimmy kimmel live brought to you by aflac. ahhh- ahhhhhh. liberate your spine...

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[cheers and applause] >> jimmy: tonight, the roastmaster general himself, jeff ross is here. last night, he roasted justin bieber on comedy central. and now there is an army of 11-year-old girls who want his blood. then later, their new album just came out today. it's called -- -- "tokyo dome: live in concert."

our second night of two nights with van halen from the chevy stage on hollywood boulevard. tomorrow night, dwayne johnson will be here, rihanna will be here, we'll have music from death cab for cutie. and on thursday night, jason statham and music from brian wilson. [cheers and applause] our first guest tonight is a movie star who has collaborated with everyone from quentin tarantino to walt disney. that's what they call "range." he teams up now with vin diesel and dwayne johnson for "furious 7." it opens in theatres friday. please welcome kurt russell. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: very good to see you. >> you too. >> jimmy: boy, what's going on

with your face? you got a lot of -- >> [ laughter ] this is what happens when you do a tarantino western. you're a bounty hunter. >> jimmy: you know, when you're a bounty hunter, you want to stay low profile, so you get facial hair like the lorax. how long does it take to grow something like that? >> i did this western before this, which is a real graphic western, and i needed to be the sheriff, and i needed turn of the century, so i needed like some facial hair of some kind. i thought i could start it there and let it grow for quentin's movie. i've had this now for way too long. >> jimmy: are you sick of it yet? >> i was sick of it after the first week. >> jimmy: what does your family think of it? >> all that matters is goldie, and she hates it. she likes the way it looks, but

she doesn't like the way it feels. >> jimmy: you remember that rent's too damn high guy? does a professional stylist do that? okay. that's the guy i was talking about. >> sam >> jimmy: this is injuyour seco time working with quentin tarantino. did you know him before working with him? >> i met him one time at some event with goldie and kate. and it was funny. during the course of the evening w we started telling stories, and he was a blast off the bat. i told him a story of when i was a little boy and my mom and dad were at the drive-in theater. it was a marilyn monroe movie. the movie starts off. and my dad can feel me, i was

like 3 or 4, sliding up. and i just got on his shoulder and went like this. and he put, at the end of "kill bill", i was watching the credits, and it said thanks to kur kurt russell, and i asked him about it. and he said you told me a story. >> jimmy: i have a feeling you'd do a pretty good quentin tarantino. he's crazy in a very good way. >> literal is like going to work on this pirate ship that you're sailing, you know, sails are full. the seas are rough. and you just charge forward. and do battle with somebody. it's just a blast. i mean, he's literally one of a kind. and i just, i feel like -- >> jimmy: he knows so much about movies. >> that's unbelievable. he knows everything everybody's

ever done. >> jimmy: did he tell you things you didn't need to remember about yourself? >> all the time. but it's not just the knowledge of what he knows. it's the day, the day itself. there's a lot of music on the set. the whole crew is hand-picked, and they love each other, and this cast we are working with is just tremendous. >> jimmy: who is in the crew? sam jackson. i could go around the room. i'm chained to jennifer jason lee. the then we got tim ross, michael madsen. i don't have time. >> jimmy: a lot of the gang that he typically hires. >> yeah. and some, some new, some new blood. it's a blast. >> jimmy: tomorrow is april fool's day. do you get involved in nonsense like that? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, good. all right. >> yeah, i do. >> jimmy: i always feel dumb when, i make it the bain of my existence. >> no, i know what you mean. i'm up on that. >> jimmy: do you do things to

people? >> my favorite target is my mom. she's doing great. she's 87 years old. last year i called up with a very different voice, and i said, mrs. russell, this is james jones from the united states tax board. and we notice here that you're in arrears here about $500,000. and she said what? who is this? and i got her good for about five minutes. >> jimmy: oh, she believed it? >> she said this is just stupid. i'm not paying it. and she said well, you have to pay it or you'll go to prison. and she said, well, then i'll go! that's my mom. >> jimmy: does anybody in your family try to get you back? >> they never have. >> jimmy: you don't make a ton of movies. you're very selective about what you do, and it seems to me, people have told me stories that you have a lot of fun. >> i do. i enjoy life.

>> jimmy: you're making wine now? >> i make gogi wine is something that i started and i used to take bike trips with goldie in burgundy. and i wanted to learn to make a world-class pinot. and it was really weird, because the way we, i originally found it was in 2007, doing troop with tarantino. and i was driving the car and i'd wait with the walkie-talkie. the place i waited at, i looked to my right and there was this beautiful vineyard. it turned out, it's the first triple-certified vineyard which makes for a very clean wine. >> jimmy: all the wine is filtered through your mustache? >> but it's a great wine. and it's been really well received. and as a matter of fact i'm going up to santa barbara to do

the wine and food festival that benefits the jewish child foundation. and my wine got chosen to be the featured wine. >> jimmy: that's great. >> if you're not doing anything -- >> jimmy: what's it called again? gogi? why is it called gogi? >> that was my nickname as a kid. and every vintage has a different nickname of a family member. mine started out as go-go. and it turned into gogi. and one day, my dad said gog, and goldii turned ar >> jimmy: more with kurt russell after this. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy

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like it or not, you live in that world now too. >> you want to know how to kill a shadow? you just shine a little light on it. if you get the god's eye for me, i've already got authorization for you to use it. you go from the hunted to the hunter, and there's no place on earth shaw can hide from you.

>> jimmy: that is kurt russell! [cheers and applause] vin was here last night. >> oh, was he? >> jimmy: he loves you. >> he's a fan, isn't he? >> jimmy: he is. >> he was a great surprise for me. very rarely do i work with actors that surprise me in this way. it happened with sly -- stallone. i just thought that vin was like toreto. he totally sold me. he's the nicest guy, smart, loves acting, loves doing different roles, but he plays that guy so, so realistically, so authentically, that i was like, wow. >> jimmy: the muscles and -- >> yeah, and he could do something very different. i was also very jim pressed with the relationship. you know, that much time can

create a lot of. and they were really more than friends. extremely brotherly, and i was fascinated to watch the movie. you get some of the most insane action i've ever seen. it's unbelievable. >> jimmy: it's one of those movies that, people in the theater are going to love. >> it's kind of crazy great. but the thing about it at the end, the tribute and honor with which they presented paul, i thought was -- >> jimmy: it was very sweet. >> it really grabs you. >> jimmy: you're ruining the movie. >> well, i mean, it's just, yeah. >> jimmy: now i'm nervous for you. because vin told us last night you are going to, you have a part in at least the next movie, if not the next two movies. >> all what happened was, when i worked with tarantino, i was in tahiti. this time i was in canada.

and i said let's talk about it. we did. and i said, if we can make the character something that maybe a mystery that kind of an idea of what vin wants to future that this character could be a part of. and we created a mystery man. you never know his name. >> jimmy: you don't know if he's a good guy or bad guy. >> and we don't. and that's what's fun and exciting about it. and if it goes on, we'll try to come up with something to top this, which i tell you, it's going to be hard to do. >> jimmy: i like to see you, i like to think of when you do finally shave you'll do it in that old, western style where you get in the tub, maybe with the hat on. >> i will do that for you. >> jimmy: let's do it. we'll take a bath together. [cheers and applause] we'll be right back! this is my body of proof. proof of less joint pain. and clearer skin.

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[cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: hi there. we are back with important information for anyone who uses a phone for anything. did you know motorola lets you customize your devices? >> yes, i knew that.

>> jimmy: with motorola motomaker.com, you can customize your moto x, your moto 360, you can even customize your selfie stick the way you want to. you can choose from leather or wood. >> you can? >> jimmy: yes. you can. >> i wish i knew that before i made my own selfie stick. >> jimmy: you made your own selfie stick? >> yes. >> jimmy: what did you make this out of? >> rope licorice. >> jimmy: you made a selfie stick out of licorice? >> yes. >> jimmy: how does it work? >> let me show you. let's take a selfie. hola, moto x, take a selfie. say cheese. >> cheese! >> jimmy: it's perfect. guillermo, you're a genius! >> i know. >> dicky: motomaker, where you can customize your moto x, 360, and even your moto selfie stick. check it out at motorola.com/selfiestick. not available in licorice.

>> jimmy: we'll be back with jeff ross. [cheers and applause] ♪ you're qualified for this job? stop punching me. i'm not punching you. please! no, no, not the fish. don't touch me. don't throw me out!

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♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: our next guest is a former model turned comedian, without whom a celebrity roast would not be complete.

last night you saw him roast justin bieber on tv, and you can see him live with dave attell on the ball busters tour at the house of blues in vegas may 15th. please say hello to the roastmaster general, jeff ross. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: very good to see you. you were great on the roast last night. really. very, very funny. >> that was a good roast. >> jimmy: did you wake up this morning to a bunch of death threats from 10 year old girls? >> you know, the

vicious. >> jimmy: should we just have them kill isis? >> sometimes it's because somebody's been a cocky little guy la [cheers and applause] >> bieber. >> jimmy: i don't know if people would have been more excited about you roasting, like, bin laden than people really were looking forward to this, did you do anything to prepare besides writing jokes? did you do anything different this time, preparing for this roast? >> well, i hung up pictures of justin bieber all over my house. i went into full roast mode. and that's all i think about. i call him the king jaffrey of pop. and i went into his ex-girlfriend, selena gomez. >> jimmy: where did you run into her? >> at a party at my agent's house. >> jimmy: you have an agent? >> yeah. [ applause ]

>> jimmy: sorry, i'm still in the roast thing. >> you're in roast mode, i get it. i get it. thanks for dressing like an off-duty police officer. >> jimmy: so you run into dough m gomez. >> i said excuse me, i'm on a mission to roast justin bieber and i need some advice. and she said tell justin the truth. the truth always worked for me. >> jimmy: oh. did it really? >> i guess he likes pinky and her hoo-hoo or something. [cheers and applause] i don't know what the truth is, but -- >> jimmy: so last night, some of the things, i think you referenced auschwitz, auschwitz. >> it's not an ice cream sandwich, jimmy.

i did a joke about how justin bieber went to anne frank's house. and afterwards he said she would have been a belieber. i said if she had heard your music, she would have ubered to auschwitz. and this morning i wake up, and i get a twitter message from auschwitz. it's like they're using this for marketing or something. >> jimmy: did you really? >> i swear. >> jimmy: what did they say? >> they said there's some length to visiting that location. >> jimmy: i think you should go. >> i think everybody should go visit once in their life, including justin bieber. it's amazing how global this s i'm getting tweets in every language. people who don't have anything to eat in their country are tweeting me, like, be nice to justin! be sensitive! and i searched my name this morning, just jeff ross, the

word no chill. >> jimmy: what does that mean? >> it means that i have no mercy. and thousands of people think i'm reckless. >> jimmy: that could be the name of your next special by the way. >> reckless. >> jimmy: or no chill. >> i like that. >> jimmy: speaking of your next special. i love this. you went to a county jail and did a show for the county inmates. >> in texas. >> jimmy: which jail was it. >> brazos county jail. >> jimmy: are those the inmates? >> well, they think i'm their lawyer. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: how did you even get in there in the first place? >> i begged them to let me into jail to do a show. because i feel like a county jail is perfect. everybody's coming out of that jail into society. i'm a believer in second chances. that would be an interesting way to look at crime in america.

roast criminals. so i went in there, and my first joke was, where are my murderers at? and three guys in the front row raised their hand. and i'm like, whoa! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: maybe they should have been in the back. >> i asked the jailers why they put the murderers in the front. and they said, well, if there's a riot, they'll be easy to get out of the room. i wanted to wear an orange jumpsuit out of solidarity. and they said no, if there's a riot, we need to find you. i said i'm going to be the one passed around like a stiff. >> jimmy: how did they receive you? i imagine they don't get a lot of stand-up comedy? jail. >> it was sheer pandemonium. >> jimmy: i bet. >> it was crazy. >> jimmy: how many shows did you do? >> i did two shows for the guys and one for the women. >> jimmy: who was more

receptive? >> they were both amazing, captive audiences. no walk-outs. the women i found to be more vulnerable, and they all, i did the speed roasting bit where anyone who wants to come on stage can get speed roasted. and the women were very open to talking about their kids, or waiting for them on the outside. one lady told me she had two boys waiting for her when she gets out in 18 to 24 months. i said that must be really tough calling the babysitter telling them i'll be out in 18 to 24 months, help yourself to whatever's in the refrigerator. >> jimmy: that's kind of sad. >> it was heavy. none of us are perfect. we all do dumb stuff. i've drank and drive, i've cheated on my taxes, i've shot suge knight. >> jimmy: if you see him at the house of blues in

may 15th. >> live from brazo county jail will be on comedy central. >> jimmy: we shall return with music from van halen. >> dicky: tonight's concert is brought to you by chevrolet. find new roads.

arthat's why xfinity is perfect for me.. with millions of wifi hotspots all over the place including one right here at the shop now we can stream all things fast and furious. you've done it again, carlos!

with the fastest in-home wifi and millions of hotspots, xfinity is perfect for people who love fast. don't miss furious 7, in theaters april 3rd. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> dicky: tonight's concert is brought to you by chevrolet. find new roads. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: i apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time for him. but first, their album live in concert came out today. van halen! [cheers and applause] ♪

♪ >> there used to a club right behind the chinese theater called the master's club. and hundred to be a comic or adventure star. and they used to say to the masters, we laugh to win! baby, yeah! ♪

♪ >> how many of us, how many of you used to, we used to play around the corner at gazari's. remember when it was gazari's? then it was the key club. now it's hollywood boulevard!

♪ ♪ got it bad got it bad got it bad i'm hot for teacher ♪ write'em up ♪ ♪

♪ >> how do we sound so far? [cheers and applause] live on the boulevard, baby, doin' fine! it's kimmel time. ♪ ♪ got it bad got it bad got it bad i'm hot for teacher ♪ ♪ yes i'm hot ♪ ♪ yes, i'm hot >>i'm burnin' up out here!

[cheers and applause] >> oh! ♪ [cheers and applse] ♪

this is "nightline." tonight, fear and the flds. is convicted child rapist warren jeffs still wielding power from prison? in an exclusive interview, a local lawman details how the polygamist preacher intimidates not only the church. what happens? real-life gone girl? she disappeared from her boyfriend's home and reappeared unharmed, claiming she was kidnapped by criminals still on the loose. tonight new developments in the