whoa! captions by vitac -- barrett: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight... and now, take it easy, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] oh, thank you very much. oh, you're all very nice. hi. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming.

and i'll say, you sure picked a-a great night to join us. we have -- we have quite a show for you tonight. the leader of the free world and spicoli are here on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. sean penn is here to promote his movie "the gunman." president obama is here to promote a project he's been working on called the united states. it's exciting for us. we've never had a sitting president on the show. we had two former presidents, president clinton and... was morgan freeman president, or was that a movie? okay, we had one. so this is two now. if you told me when i was like 14 years old that one day, i would interview the president on tv, i-i would have said, "that's great. uh, will i ever get to see boobs?" i was very single-minded. you know, there's been, um... [ cheers and applause ] thank you. there has been some controversy surrounding obama's appearance on the show tonight.

on monday, we announced the president would be here. this morning, i got a letter from 47 republicans telling me not to sign any deals with him. so i guess that peace agreement with matt damon is off. the republicans who signed that letter that they sent to iran have been getting a lot of criticism, including from members of their own party. but here's the thing. what are they supposed to do? uh, it -- the letter clearly said, "copy this letter and send it to nine enemy governments, or it will bring your country bad luck." they had no choice. you don't mess with st. jude i think is what i'm trying to say. it's fitting that the president is here on a thursday, which, of course, is "scandal" night here on abc. i was -- [ cheers and applause ] a show about the white house. by the way, i was on "scandal" tonight. they had me interviewing fitz's new vice president. i, uh, played myself. i really nailed it, too. i followed myself around for months. i wanted to learn everything about what makes me tick, and i did. i always wondered, though, what it must be like when the president and the first lady watch "scandal" together. i mean, when, like, there's a scene

where fitz cheats on his wife, does the president have to look at michelle and go, "boo. i don't like that at all"? [ chuckles ] security's been very tight all day today. you guys who are here in the studio know that. anything that could be considered to be a weapon had to be left in plain sight for the secret service to examine, uh, which, since this is l.a., included gluten. we had pizza all over the place, but... it was serious, though. a bomb-sniffing dog came into my office today, for real, a belgian shepherd named pistol. great dog. he was a very happy dog. he obviously has no idea what happens if he ever finds what he's looking for. [ chuckles ] but, then, do any of us, really, i guess? even guillermo had to step up his security game today. look at guillermo. is everything -- [ cheers and applause ] you look tough. you look serious. is everything secure? [ whispers indistinctly ] code four! okay. code four.

what about the perimeter? is the perimeter secure? [ whispers indistinctly ] everything is code four, jimmy. okay. by the way, he's not wearing those sunglasses because he's with secret service. he's wearing them because he's hung over today. [ chuckles ] he's with the secret "cerveza." [ laughing ] yeah. yeah. right. that's right. part of the reason why president obama is here in town tonight is to do fundraising. you know, he's very serious about helping sasha and malia sell all their girl scout cookies. the cost of attendance at the dnc fundraiser obama is going to later is $33,400 per couple for dinner. and that's with limited breadsticks. you know, if the president really wants to raise some money, he should just throw on a superhero costume and take pictures with people in front of the chinese theater across the street, 'cause that's where the money is. [ cheers and applause ] you know, from time to time, maybe once a week, we go out onto hollywood boulevard to ask people, regular people, passing by for their opinions on events that did not take place.

and since the president is here, we decided to focus specifically on him. we sent a camera crew out on the street today to ask pedestrians who claim to be up on current events about a bunch of obama-related news we made up. and this is a special presidential edition of "lie witness news." [ cheers and applause ] man: tell us your name and where you're from, sir. toby morose from cincinnati, ohio. i'm sure you're aware, president obama very upset with joe biden. should he have removed biden from office after he made the now-legendary "your mama" joke to vladimir putin? uh, no. i feel that he should. did you think it was funny? i thought it was. where were you when you heard him make that joke? i believe i was... at my house. uh...yeah. i-i thought it was hilarious. you remember the joke? uh... your mama's so fat -- yeah, yeah, yeah. ...she has to go through a revolving door on two trips. [ chuckles ] yeah, yeah.

nothing wrong with a little comedy. everybody's talking about it. everyone's seen them. what are your thoughts on president barack obama's new earrings? um, i think they're pretty cool. he's gonna look hip. yeah, hopefully, he's not doing it for the young voters. he's doing it for himself. um... where did you see it? on tv. let me ask you, what is your take on president obama's decision to name dennis rodman ambassador to north korea? i don't think he has the experience for that position. i think the current ambassador's doing a great job. we have really excellent relations with north korea right now. it doesn't need to be changed. were you surprised when you heard him announce that? [ sighs ] i can't say i was surprised, but... i guess a little disappointed. where were you? i was, um... making some soup. what kind of soup? it was, um, clam chowder. so, do you think it was irresponsible for obama to not have his newborn son marcus circumcised? uh, no, not at all. i feel like that's a personal choice on behalf of parents.

and that is -- that's something that is between you and your significant other, and that's it. that's how i feel, so... but isn't marcus also sort of our child, since he's the president's child? mm, no. i don't believe that. he may be a public figure, but it's not our child. good. you saw the picture of him? [ chuckling ] yeah, yes. adorable, isn't he? yes, totally. what was your reaction when you heard that president obama was gonna be having a sleepover with kim jong-un? oh, wow. uh, i remember that it was pretty funny. um, i was just really surprised, and i thought -- i saw some pictures earlier, and so i thought that was interesting. what were the pictures like? um, they were just, like, in bed together, and, um... they looked like they were having a lot of fun. yeah. they watched a movie on netflix, right? yeah, i think they watched "titanic." i'm not sure. that's what i saw on twitter, so, yeah. congratulations, president obama, on your new son, marcus. enjoy the time you have with him. and you don't have to circumcise if you don't want to. [ cheers and applause ]

it's true. [ chuckles ] it's terrible. i didn't even get the obamas a baby gift. i feel... by the way, traffic here in l.a. is all jammed up today. and everyone in town is mad at me, because normally here in l.a., we zip through traffic without any problem at all. whenever a president travels, they have street closures. they -- they have to do that for security. and, of course, it slows things down. and it also makes the guy in your office who rides his bike to work every day even more annoying than he usually is. and that's just locally. online, the people who already don't like the president are criticizing him for coming here. president bush would get the same thing when he did tv shows. it's the nature of the job, i guess, especially now that we have twitter. but i think it's important to remember that presidents are people, too. and from time to time, we give celebrities a chance to read some of the mean things people tweet about them. and tonight, we extended that same courtesy to our commander-in-chief. and with that said... [ cheers and applause ] it's time now... for an all-president-obama edition of "mean tweets."

[ "hail to the chief" playing ] [ cheers and applause ] [ rock guitar chord plays ] [ laughter ] [ "everybody hurts" playing ] well, rw surfer girl, i think that's a great idea. [ laughs ] that's pretty good.

you know, the lol's redundant when you have the "ha ha." [ laughter and applause ] can i just say something? yeah, jimmy. i think that's mean. and i don't think there's anything wrong with the jeans you wear. [ sighs ] jimmy, i think they've got a point. whew. have you been working out? mnh-mnh. oh. [ chuckles ] [ cheers and applause ] shame on all of us. we have a great show for you tonight. sean penn is here. and we'll be right back with the president of the united states. [ cheers and applause ]

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[ cheers and applause ] welcome. hello, everyone. tonight, i am, uh, thrilled that he's here with us. his new movie, uh, which is called "the gunman," opens next weekend. sean penn is here with us tonight. he is great. by the way, i want to mention next week, all week long, we return to austin, texas, for the south by southwest festival. the whole country if not the world will be focused on austin. all the new music, movies, technology -- it's all there that week. but i go for the beef, to be honest with you. i go for the big smoker full of beef brisket. we'll be live at the long center along with kevin hart, matthew mcconaughey, julia louis-dreyfus, brad paisley, tony romo, spoon, willie nelson, and we've just added none other than kanye west to the lineup. we have a -- we had a great time there last year.

uh, hope you will join us again for the shows this year. it's south by kanye west this year. our first guest tonight made history by becoming the first kenyan-born muslim socialist ever elected to run this country, and he flew here tonight on a really awesome plane. please welcome the president of the united states, number 44, barack obama! [ cheers and applause ] [ "sweet home chicago" playing ] thank you. thank you guys. kimmel: there's your song. [ chuckles ] band's sounding good. yeah, of course. they're good. absolutely. they wanted to make you feel at home. thank you, gentlemen. how you doing? thanks for coming. i feel good. how come you're so much higher than me? is this...? well...

it's kind of a power-play. you notice this?eah. it does seem particularly ridiculous right now. it does, yeah. but that's okay. no, i'm glad you feel good about yourself. [ cheers and applause ] well, maybe -- listen. if they legalize marijuana in washington, d.c., you can be higher than me. [ laughter ] how are you? thank you for coming. i feel good. thank you. you did a great job with "mean tweets," by the way. you know -- [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] i-i have to say, though, uh... those weren't that mean. i mean, look. i-i've got to tell you, you should see what the senate says about me all the time. i mean, that was -- that was some piker stuff. do you ever physically tweet yourself, or does somebody do that for you? i do not physically tweet in general. there -- there are times where they, uh... i'm responding to, like, a particular issue, we're trying to get something out, and, you know, i'll get on there so that i'm interacting with young people or something like that, on a special event.

generally speaking, i-i got some other stuff to do. do you text? uh, i don't text. i e-mail. uh, i still have a blackberry, because i can't -- i-i, uh... [ man claps ] one guy has a blackberry. one who's always like -- [ laughter and applause ] the one old guy there -- look at him. [ laughter ] he's -- he's my age. he's my age. it's like, somebody my generation. that -- uh, you know, we -- we -- i-i can't use, uh, phones with recorders in them. so... oh. a lot of the newfangled stuff, for security reasons, i don't get. do you have hillary clinton's new e-mail address? uh, i can't share it with you, but... i don't think she'd want you to have it, frankly. she specifically mentioned that she did not want me to have it. she specifically said. she said, "you know what? you're going on 'kimmel'? if he asks for the e-mail address, no way. you have young kids. and, of course, every parent has to talk to their kids about going on social media. but you, especially,

must have to say to your daughters, "don't go -- don't do anything. don't post anything. don't ever do anything." don't do that. don't do that. i mean, look, they -- they all have, uh, their -- their smartphones. and they're texting with their friends. they're doing all the stuff that teenagers are doing. um... oh, boy. yeah. [ laughter ] uh, michelle and i try to emphasize to them that they don't want to be, uh... on tmz. in the news. yeah. right. yeah. yeah. i would imagine. so, by the way, speaking of the news, i-i want to mention something to you. last -- last night, um, very late last night for you in washington, d.c. in ferguson, two police officers were shot. thank goodness they're -- thankfully, they're okay. they're at home now, and they're out of the hospital. and especially -- you gave a beautiful speech in selma last saturday talking about these very subjects, about civil rights, the past, present, the future of civil rights. is -- does that make it especially painful for you

when something like this happens? obviously, we don't yet know what happened. uh, our thoughts and prayers are with the officers and their families. and, thankfully, as you said, they're gonna be okay. um, what was beautiful about selma was reminding ourselves that real social change in this country, uh, so often has happened because ordinary people are willing, in a nonviolent fashion, to make their voices heard. and, you know, i think that what had been happening in ferguson uh, was oppressive and objectionable and was worthy of protest. but there was no excuse for criminal acts. and -- and whoever fired those shots uh, shouldn't detract from the issue. they're criminals. they need to be arrested. and then what we need to do is to make sure that like-minded, good-spirited people on both sides, law enforcement who have a terrifically tough job,

and people who understandably don't want to be stopped and harassed just because of their race, that we're able to work together to try to come up with some good answers. and i think -- i put together a task force after the original ferguson event had taken place that had police officers, police chiefs, and some of the organizers of protests both in ferguson and in new york -- young people. and they came up with some terrific recommendations and found that there's a lot of common ground. and what we have to make sure of is that, uh, the folks who disregard and disrespect the other side, people who resort to violence, that they're marginalized and -- they set us all back. they do. yeah. yeah, and -- but they're not the majority. and in the same way that you can't generalize about police officers who do an extraordinarily tough job, overwhelmingly, they do it professionally. you can't generalize about protesters who, it turns out, had some very legitimate grievances. the justice department report showed

that they were being stopped -- african-americans were being stopped disproportionately, mainly so the city could raise money, uh, even though these were unjust, and -- i can't imagine how frustrating that must be. i mean, i get crazy, and i'm not joking, about -- when i get, like, parking tickets i feel are unjust. and to be put in a situation like that -- i-i do, really. like, my wheels are not turned properly, and i feel like they're just trying to make money off of me. they're not obeying the spirit of the law. well, and what was happening in ferguson was you had city government telling the police department and -- that -- "stop more people. we need to raise more money." folks would get stopped. they'd get tickets. then they'd have to wait in line to pay it. take a day off work. folks would lose their jobs. in some cases, they were thrown in jail because they didn't have enough money for the fines. and then they'd get fined for that. uh, and, you know, so there was a whole structure there,

according to the justice department report, that, uh, indicated both racism and, uh, just a disregard for what law enforcement's supposed to do. and as i said before -- uh, i said this at selma. uh, it is not unique, but it's also not the norm. and we've got to constantly, when we're thinking about issues of racial progress or any kind of issue, recognize that things get better, but there's still more work to do. and we shouldn't be complacent about the very real existence of problems out there. but we shouldn't despair and think nothing's changed. uh, if -- if people of goodwill, which is the overwhelming majority of americans, are working together, these are problems we can solve. the president of the united states is here. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]

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♪ we are back. sean penn is still to come. president barack obama is with us. thank you again for being here. so, this is something i feel like, if i was the president -- and it's unlikely that that is ever going to happen.

you never know. if i was the president -- it was unlikely that i was gonna be president. the moment i was inaugurated, my hand would just -- it'd still be hot from touching the bible, and i would immediately race to wherever they have the files about area 51 and the ufos. and i'd go through everything to find out what happened. right. did you do that? [ sighs ] that's why you will not be president. [ laughter ] uh, 'cause that's -- one of the reasons. 'cause that's the first thing that you would do. um... [ both laugh ] it's at the top of my list. the aliens won't let it happen. you'd reveal all their secrets. [ laughter ] they -- they exercise strict control over us. now, you know there are a lot of people that are gonna examine your facial expressions here, um, every twitch, everything, and say -- i know. and, of course -- so, did you look? did you see? did you...explore? i-i can't reveal anything. oh, really? yeah.

because president clinton said he did go right in. and he did check, and there was nothing. well, you know, that's -- that's what we're instructed to say. [ laughter ] yeah. that's right. all right. so, when you're at home, can you -- like, can you run down to the kitchen in your underpants in the middle of the night if you're hungry? i mean, i could. i-i don't. you don't. no. is someone in the kitchen at all times? like, if you wanted a sandwich in the night, would you have to wake someone up? yeah, i wouldn't wake somebody up to have a sandwich. you're allowed to go in the refrigerator on your own? i am. i am. there's a refrigerator, and there's silverware. when was the last time you actually cooked? uh, now, it's been a while since i cooked. it has been a while. i-i won't lie about that. do you ever drive? i cannot drive. i mean, i -- [ laughter ] i'm able to drive. is it because you don't have a birth certificate? yeah, exactly. i, uh...

[ cheers and applause ] in kenya, we drive on the other side of the street. actually, the last time i drove, uh, a former staffer came by. and he comes through the south lawn. and he's got, uh, one of these new electric cars. at the time, they were new. yeah. and he was very excited about it. and i said, "well, let's try it out." so i... [ chuckles ] i just grabbed his keys, and we just go out. it's parked right in front. and i start circling the south lawn. and the secret service, they're -- no matter what you do, do not let him out." and they, uh -- they were pretty upset, so... they call you renegade, right? they do. yeah. is that their -- yeah. because you're tooling around in an electric car, topping speeds of 30 miles an hour. yeah. yeah. i-i think we hit 35. yeah. if you have to go to the dentist, do you go to the dentist, or does -- no. dentist comes to me. dentist comes to you.

do you have the chair, the tools? are you spitting on the floor? everything is all there, set up. everything is there? yeah, in the basement. i didn't know. i showed up. i said, "you know, i think, you know, i've got a cap that's loose." "sir, here we are." do you reset the clocks when daylight savings time happens? no. somebody else does that for me. somebody does that for you. will you get rid of daylight savings time, or at least... [ cheers and applause ] get rid of the part where we have to wake up earlier? you can leave the other one. well, see, this is a california thing, 'cause you guys are always getting sun. yeah. in the east coast, you don't mind losing that hour, 'cause that's a signal that spring is here. we only care about ourselves. and it makes you feel good. there is something i do want to ask you for help. this is something that i've been working on. you know, you're not the only one that's civic-minded. i-i know. i go to drugstores or the supermarket. right. and this, for instance, is a receipt from cvs. this is a receipt for one snickers bar.

[ laughter and applause ] let me see this. let me see this. this seems, to me -- excessive? yeah, to be excessive. now, there's the snickers bar up there, and the rest are just coupons and junk. can you do something about this? [ cheers and applause ] you know, uh... actually, 25 cents off batteries... barack obama is here. i'll keep this. you keep that and work on that. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]

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partially asking people for money, which seems like you should stop doing. you're only here another two years. who cares? you know, it is not for me. i know it's not for you. even more reason not to do it. [ laughter ] the, uh -- you know, we got to, uh, keep folks going. uh, you know, there's gonna be another election. and the main purpose, really, is just to make sure the people turn out. i mean, the last election, we had about 1/3 of eligible voters voting. and, you know, just trying to work harder to figure out how we can get people engaged. we had an election here in l.a. last week, i think. and something like 8% of the registered voters voted in it. well, and i talked about this this weekend at selma. you know, you have folks who risked their lives to make sure we all had the right to vote. we give away our power all the time. and, you know, everybody's so frustrated with washington, uh, including yours truly. we're also very busy with facebook. you have to -- i mean, that's really -- but the point is, is that the reason washington does not work

is because 2/3 of... 2/3 of us who should be active, aren't active. and as a consequence, uh, special interests and big money ends up, you know, moving a lot of the agenda, driving gridlock, and, so -- speaking of money, you have a student aid bill of rights. that's something that you're very passionate about, because it wasn't so long ago that you were still paying off your student loans. still paying them off, absolutely. and, look. i was in georgia tech earlier this week and talked to a big crowd of students about this. and i suspect there's some folks in the audience who are concerned about this, as well. we have -- [ cheers and applause ] everybody understands that the economy is now based on your skills, your knowledge. and the reason america ended up becoming the economic superpower that we did was because we were the first to have universal public high schools.

and we had the g.i. bill. and so we had the best trained workforce. and young people understand that. the problem is, it's also becoming more and more expensive. and so what we've said is, in addition to the work we've already done to make student loans cheaper, to expand pell grants, to set up a repayment program so that young people who want to go into teaching or some other helping profession aren't priced out of it because they've got to pay off student loans, we -- there are other things that we could do to lower costs. and we're asking people to sign up for what we're calling a student aid bill of rights, to take a series of steps -- colleges, state legislators, congress, all to work to make sure that college is more affordable. and one of the things we're doing is proposing the first two years of community college should be free for everybody, because it should be just like high school. and we can do it. does this include -- does this include people who have existing student loans?

well, one of the things that we're doing there is to try to help them refinance. because a lot of them take out loans, let's say 15 years ago, when interest rates were a lot higher. and the same way that you should be able to refinance your mortgage and lower your costs, you should be able to do that with student loans. you can't refinance a student loan? and right now, a lot of student loans don't allow -- a lot of the rules don't allow you to refinance. wow. i did not know that. there you go. see? hang around me, you'll learn something. [ laughter ] but you won't let me hang around you, because you have all these secret service guys all the time. no, no, no, you -- i can be very annoying. you'd be surprised. we'll have to pat you down periodically. have you, uh -- oh, well, that's nice. [ laughter ] have you seen the movie "fast times at ridgemont high"? uh, well, i was talking to sean backstage. and he's a year older than me, so we're basically, you know, the same generation, and... and? did you see him? i did. i -- and i thought he looked better blond. [ laughter ] no. all right. the --

that is a -- that's a classic. i lived it, man. i didn't just see it. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] we -- we're going to austin, texas, next week for south by southwest. austin is a great town. one of the best towns in the country. i agree with you. great music, great food, great people. so, kanye west is gonna be on our show on friday next week. that's great. and he was quoted yesterday, he said -- this is a quote. he said, "i understand i'm a servant with my voice, with my ability to build relationships with amazing people, speak to amazing people, call elon musk out of the blue, or call obama out of the blue." and then he says, "obama calls the home phone, by the way." are you talking to -- are you having conversations with kanye? i-i've met kanye twice, the first time when i was a senator. and he was with his mom. and he had just gotten big. he's from chicago... right. so they wanted to meet. [ cheers and applause ] and, you know, he was very soft-spoken, very gracious. that sounds like him. and it's -- no, no. he was. i mean, he was a young guy,

and hadn't quite, you know, uh, come into his own. and then about six months ago, uh, he came to an event. and -- look, i love his music. he's incredibly creative. um... i don't think i've got his home number, though. you don't have his home number. all right. well, i'd love to put the two of you together. i-i do love his music, though. he's -- it's terrific. well, thank you so much for coming. good luck with your fundraiser. thank you, jimmy. president barack obama. thank you. thank you very much. we'll be right back with sean penn. [ cheers and applause ] ari,no i'm relaxed.le. you've been retired less than a week and you're miserable baby, i have loved every day. every minute every second if you want to go back to work, i understand. i'd feel like a failure. i'd need some sort of sign. maybe that don juan over there is your sign. ♪

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[ cheers and applause ] hi, there. we are back. our next guest tonight might very well be the best actor there is. he's a two-time oscar winner and legitimate humanitarian with an excellent new movie called "the gunman" which opens in theaters march 20th. please say hello to sean penn! [ upbeat rock music playing ] [ cheers and applause ]

thanks for coming. thank you. thanks for sliding over for the president tonight. i appreciate it. yeah. yeah, he prepared me for the -- he did? did you talk to the president at all? me and barry were talking backstage. you did. [ laughter ] was -- you know, i know there's a background check. everyone who works here, we all had to do a background check. did they make you do a background check, as well? i -- i would assume so. yeah. well -- well, the fact that you're here, maybe no. maybe, um... [ laughter ] have you ever seen, like, the results of one of these background checks? because i never have. i have no idea what might possibly be on this thing. i'm reluctant to read anything about myself, so... do you not -- you don't read about yourself at all? well, sometimes, things -- you know, you have those really good friends

who want to share some lovely things that people say about you. those people are not your friends, by the way. that's one of the first thing -- yeah, when people send you -- that's a weird thing that people do. like, "oh, look at this terrible thing someone wrote about you." yeah, it's an odd amusement for them, i suppose. yeah, i suppose so. you grew up here in california. i did. which is kind of odd. i always think of you as this citizen of the world. and, you know, thinking of you growing up here in l.a., in santa monica or whatever, it just doesn't seem like it fits, necessarily. but tom cruise told us a great story once when he was here. he said that when he flew to l.a. for the first time, you picked him up at the airport. that's true. i think that's true, yeah. you were pals at that time, and...? yeah, we had made a movie together. uh-huh. you made "taps" together, right? yeah, basically the first movie that i ever did. and we had just spent a bunch of time together in valley forge, pennsylvania. and he came out to, um, you know, start what was a hopeful career. yeah. it worked out. yeah. yeah. [ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ] and i think he said that you guys drove around. like, you took him on a tour of the stars' homes. that's not true. that is not true? no. we -- i took him to lucille ball's house. oh. yeah. it wasn't to stars' homes in general. it was lucille ball's house. specifically lucille ball? yeah, because a friend of mine, a very -- there was another -- it was because the brother of "miami" steve van sandt from -- yeah. sure. okay. he was in the movie with us, with tom and i. he was out here. billy van sandt. okay. and, i mean, generationally, it didn't make much sense. but this guy was a fanatic lucille ball guy. really? yeah. he was our age. and, uh... [ laughing ] so i thought it would be fun to watch tom see his fandom of lucille ball by going along with stalking lucille ball's house.

lucille ball was living there at the time? yeah, i didn't crawl -- look through the window or anything like that. you didn't do it. and did billy have a big reaction to the fact that he was in front of lucy's house? he'd been there many times. [ laughing ] oh, really? wow. i wonder if that will show up on your background check. mike tyson was here, uh, last week. and he told me a story about you. he said you and your wives at the time, madonna and robin givens, you guys went on a double date with mike tyson and his wife to see "pee-wee's big top." [ laughter ] that's true. that is true. [ laughter and applause ] that's the best double date i ever heard of. yeah, and i think mike and i both -- i -- we had had a few drinks before we went to the movie. okay. he said that, too. yeah. and i'm not good with having a few drinks before a movie, 'cause i like to have another drink.

and, so, i think the two of us nodded out within two or three minutes. and i-i really liked the first movie, you know? right. "pee wee's big adventure." yeah, and so i was looking forward to seeing it, but i didn't. and neither did mike. so as the end credits came up, we kind of woke up... and then both spent the night defending that we had not fallen in love with the leading lady in the movie from our seats. we didn't see her. oh, your wives thought you -- yeah, they were both -- i guess she was quite sensational and charismatic. uh, but i didn't see it. oh, wow. and neither did mike. but there was a lot of suspicion. [ laughter ] is that something that you encountered frequently? a lot of suspicion? yeah, a lot of suspicion, yeah. yeah, from madonna. [ laughter ] wow, that's something else. i can't even imagine what people must have thought when you guys sashayed into that theater. i can't even imagine you going to a movie theater,

to be honest with you. we got away with the whole night. we went to dinner. we went to drinks, to the thing. we went to the dinner, where we got suspected. and, no, we didn't have any issues that night. one of my favorite memories of a movie of yours, i remember -- actually, cleto, who's our band leader, and i, we saw "bad boys" together. and, uh, you -- you filled that... [ chuckles ] [ applause ] you filled that pillowcase with batteries? oh, they were coca-cola cans. oh, coca-cola cans, that's right. yeah, from the vending machine. and beat the crap out of that guy. i've always wanted to do that... [ laughter ] [ laughing ] ...to somebody. the movie "fast times" -- when was the last time you saw that movie? uh... i think it came on television once about eight years ago, and i think my kids -- it would be 8, 10 years ago, i think. so, your kids have seen it? yeah, they've seen it. and do -- i mean, that must be crazy to see your dad playing that character. it was crazy for me to see

their dad playing that character, yeah. we have a clip, just for those who may, by some ungodly reason, have not seen this. sorry i'm late. it's just like this new schedule's totally confusing. i know that dude. mr. spicoli. that's the name they gave me. hey, you're ripping my card. yes. hey, bud, what's your problem? no problem at all. i think you know where the front office is. you [bleep] might be the greatest two words ever put together on film. [ cheers and applause ] do people say -- do people say that to you a lot? you [bleep] yeah. yeah, but i don't know that it's related to that. [ laughter ] sean penn is with us. the movie is called "the gunman." we'll be right back.

[ cheers and applause ]

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[ liquid pours ] you asked me here to give me some information, so give me information. here's the information right here. it appears your old friends and -- and -- and me are on a congressional subpoena list. shouldn't be long before we have interpol on our backs. "into events in kinshasa, democratic republic of congo in 2006." well, that was only a matter of time. i see cox is on the list. what about reid and bryson? well, that's a -- that's an interesting part of the story. i found obituaries for both reid and bryson. of the three shooters, you're the only one left. that is "the gunman" starring sean penn. i like that movie a lot. thank you. very exciting. you play a special forces -- former special forces operative? is operative the correct term to use? uh, an operator with a private contracting firm,

a private military firm, yeah. and this is not based on a -- on a true story? no, though most of the narrative has -- anchors in parallel things that are very close. right, yeah. you are enormously muscular in the film. and if you were to disrobe right now, i'm sure we would see that you are indeed very muscular. [ cheers and applause ] is that from working out? is that how that happens? i'd love it if we could work out together. i think it would be a great thing. we -- we could do that. but i have a qu-- are -- britt or kaitlyn? uh... oh, interesting. wow. you're abachelor" fan? i never would have guessed this! oh, my goodness. my -- you -- my head just exploded. i thought maybe, yeah. britt or kaitlyn. yeah. wow. well, i have did say they both -- they both have their good qualities. do they? yeah, they do. i don't know. i really don't know which side i'm on. and believe me, it gets discussed in my home. do you watch "the bachelor"? do you and charlize watch "the bachelor"?

i assume you're watching with her, or else -- if you're watching it alone, this is real weird. [ laughter ] we argue about whether or not we should fast f-- i don't really want to hear the conversations. uh-huh. [ laughter ] what's left? i just want to -- the flower exchange? [ laughs ] i want to know the decisions. you want to know -- yeah. yeah. is he -- he gonna decide on this one or this one? and i want to see somebody cry. [ laughter ] and then see somebody get ecstatic and then see them cry. but no, it's -- who do you like, britt or kaitlyn? it's gonna have to be kaitlyn. it's gonna have to be kaitlyn. [ cheers and applause ] britt's scary. you could be on the penn tell-all special. that would be something -- wow, that's unbelievable that you're watching "the bachelor." i had no idea. i still can't believe they got matthew mcconaughey to be the bachelor and call himself something different.

that's right. hey, you, uh, just directed a movie. and charlize is in it. and your son hopper is in it, as well. was that a fun thing for you, or was that...? it was great. yeah, it was? we started shooting -- well, it's principally charlize and javier bardem. but my son is playing a helicopter rescue pilot. so we started shooting in south africa. he was here at van nuys airport taking helicopter lessons. and by the time he got to south africa, he flew us to set. wow. yeah. so, it was exciting. wow. president obama can't even teach his kids to drive. [ laughter ] that's the limitations of the job. well, it's very good to see you. thank you for coming. the movie's called "the gunman." go see it. it opens march 20th. sean penn, everybody. thanks, sean. thanks to president obama. thanks for watching. good night. . >> how much would you pay for a

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