tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 9, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
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we appreciate your time. >> thank you for joining us. right now on jimmy kimmel live, ryan gosling. >> see you tomorrow. "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, ryan gosling, dave salmoni and animals, plus it's mash-up monday with music from flo rida georgia line. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching at home.
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thanks for coming. very nice. i hope you had a good weekend. i hope moms had a great mother's day. i hope the dads passed the test. it is a test, you know. very much. i went to the supermarket early sunday morning to get butter milk which is gross. it comes out in chunks. as i pulled out, guys were coming out of the drugstores with the drugstore flowers and the stickers, and all i could think was you're in trouble. those will not be well received. i thought i nailed mother's day this year. i thought i did a very good job. in the morning my wife and mother and sister got massages. i made a fantastic brunch. waffles, eggs, homemade biscuits. the flowers showed up on time. my wife loved the gifts including a bathing suit which is a tough one. you can start a war buying your
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wife a bathing suit, but it fit perfectly. i wrote a nice card after she said did you get me a card, but i did write the card. don't forget the card. they really want that card. i'd rather have a bathing suit, but women do love a card, and i wasn't done. i made a dinner reservation a couple of weeks in advance. we didn't have to beg and wait. it was going well. until dinner. the only bad thing about mother's day is having children, it turns out. i took some photos. this is our daughter, jane. she's 22 months old. jane decided to make my wife wish she had no kids on mother's day. she wouldn't sit still. she had no crayons. there was no highchair. look. one of those moments where should we leave before the food? she did not let us relax. we didn't have dessert.
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i waved the guy over. we got the hell out of there. on the way home, because i'm not a good parent, i decided to reward jane for her behavior and stop and get ice cream, and look at that devilish -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: it is cute, but that smile says i win. so i almost passed the mother's day test. if it weren't for the card and the kid, i would have. not only do you have to get a card and write something nice. now you also have to write something nice on facebook. you're expected to post a picture of your wife with the kid looking happy. it's hard to find, and you have to write a nice thing, happy mother's day to my amazing wife, without her our family would be dead, and god help you if you post a picture she doesn't like. did you do this for mother's day, guillermo?
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>> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: did you get her a card? >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: did you write something in it? >> guillermo: i wrote happy mother's day, i love you from the bottom of my heart. >> jimmy: is that really enough? that's enough? [ applause ] >> jimmy: and she was happy with that? >> guillermo: well, i also put thank you for giving me a wonderful son. you and my son are the best. >> jimmy: oh, all right. all right. well, that's what i should have done. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i forgot. my wife said didn't we have this conversation last year, and i went i don't remember. anyway, we have a show for all the moms and dads tonight. ryan gosling is here tonight. i saw his movie "nice guys" which is really funny.
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ryan is here to promote that and remind us that not all men are created equally. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: also dave salmoni and his number of wild animal friends. we've never done this before. tonight we're going to let them loose in the studio audience. [ applause ] >> jimmy: we'll see where everyone ranks on the food chain. on top of that it's mash up monday. we mash two bands together. we've done this with fall out and boys to men. warren and kenny georgia. tonight we combine the country band florida georgia line with the rapper flo rida. that will be fun. i'll tell you this. hillary clinton had a good mother's day weekend. she won the caucuses in guam on saturday moving her another inch closer -- the guam caucuses are
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different. the winner gets a bag of mangos. winners there aren't eligible to vote in the election. they only vote in the caucus which doesn't mean anything. it's like letting your kids sit on your lap while they drive. it's not really driving. meanwhile, donald trump is the last man standing for republicans. in west virginia there's a primary tomorrow. he spoke in front of a group of coal miners. he knows his audience. >> if i take hair spray and spray it in my apartment which is all sealed, you're telling me that affects the ozone layer? yes. i say no way, folks. no no way. >> jimmy: are a lot of coal miners using hair spray? do they use it before the helmet on or after? [ applause ] >> jimmy: all right. this is from the -- i don't know if you've been watching the noib
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playoffs. the cavs swept the hawks four games. an accomplishment that was overshadowed by a commentator who provided us with our unintentional joke of the day. >> he's one of the best we have in the league. either right-handed or left-handed, get down in there, shirk off the defender. >> jimmy: a very aggressive style of offense. how many of you saw the new captain america movie? [ applause ] >> jimmy: a lot of people saw it. it made $179 million over the weekend. the fifth biggest opening ever. i liked the movie a lot. the characters, great, the story was great, and the action sequences. you have to hand it to the stunt people who get almost no credit. one of them in particular, the stunt person who doubles black widow, i thought did an
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incredible job. you can't tell who is who because it's almost seamless. pay close attention here. see if you can spot the stunt double. >> new york. washington d.c. okay. that's enough. >> people are afraid. >> we need to be put in check. >> i know we're not perfect, but the safest hands are still our own. they're coming for you. >> you're at the one that needs to watch their back. ♪ >> on the roof. >> this is not just a civil war. this is a captain america civil
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salmoni. he brought some ferocious and not ferocious beasts. what is that? >> there is a baby down here. >> jimmy: i didn't see the one on the bottom. >> they're both sneaky. >> jimmy: and that's like kind of a monkey and. >> hi, folks. will ferrell here. [ applause ] >> hi. how are you? hi. [ cheers and applause ] >> will ferrell here with another slice of the knife guy. >> jimmy: hey, will. it's will ferrell, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: will, it's great to see you. what's going on? >> it's pretty clear what's going on. [ laughter ] >> you're screwing up my qvc knife show again. >> jimmy: i'm not screwing your show -- we've gone through this
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already. i do a show here every monday night. it's a thing that we do all the time. >> yeah, and clearly so do i. okay? >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> my show features state of the art steel at rock bottom prices. [ applause ] >> yeah, all right. does yours? >> jimmy: no. we don't have any steel at all, but we do have -- we rent this place. where were you for the last 30 mondays? >> the knife guys have been doing a cosco road show. and yes, it went gang busters. which is a good thing. >> jimmy: okay, good. >> and if you don't mind, i have some blades i'd like to move. >> jimmy: i actually kind of do -- >> how many times have you wanted to cut up a quality piece of meat but your dull rusty knife simply isn't cutting it?
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pretty common. stop looking at me. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i just -- >> where's my beef assistant? all right. come on out here. [ cheers and applause ] >> i just wanted to say. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, you're a little bit early, ryan. this is not the time. >> shut up. i'm sorry. >> why are you ruining our show, jimmy? >> a lot of passion. >> jimmy: i'm not ruining your show. you're actually -- >> she says he doesn't know we do our show here. >> again. >> jimmy: i had no idea you were planning to do this. >> wow, you got a lot of nerves, kimmel. these knives can kill people and i'm just the man to do it. >> hold on. let's not kill him with knives. let's sell him some knives,
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partner. in fact, let's sell everyone some knives. all right? [ cheers and applause ] >> knife guys. everyone who is anyone knows that the best steaks in the world are, of course, trump steaks. but you can't cut something classy with something trashy, so a top steak, you need a trump knife. >> yeah. >> wow. wow, will. that trump knife is huge. >> it is a good-sized knife. >> that's a great knife, and i know because i know all the great knives. >> yes, it is, and sharp like the man himself. >> jimmy: can i ask a quick question. does donald trump know you're doing this? >> do i tell you how to do your job j kimmel?
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do i? >> jimmy: no. >> no, i don't, and mr. trump, he doesn't know about this because she's super busy making america great again. he doesn't again. >> shut up, jimmy. >> shut up. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. >> okay, donald has a lot on his plate. but you won't when you use your official trump knife. watch as they effortlessly glide right through t-bones, top sirlo sirloin. fillet mignon. >> jimmy: is that a gold steak? >> it's gold. it's a lot of griszl. >> jimmy: maybe the knife needs to be sharpened. >> are you the knife guy? no. we're the knife guys. >> we're the knife guys. >> knife guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> here we go. [ cheers and applause ]
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it's a good trump steak. >> jimmy: he's choking, will. >> what? yeah, duh, jimmy. he's choking. thankfully choking is a breeze for joke knives. okay, i'm going to cut a small but deep hole in your trachea. don't worry. i saw this on dr. quinn madison woman. >> jimmy: don't do that? >> stop knit let me cut my friend's throat open. >> jimmy: let me try something first. do you mind? are you okay? are you good? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: is everything all right? >> get out. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i got caught up in your body. >> thanks for ruining our whole thing, jerk. >> jimmy: ruined it? i saved your life. >> come on, ryan, let me get you
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some of that free booze backstage. zblid co >> jimmy: come on. guys, you forgot our steak. you forgot your gold steak. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a great show tonight. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, it is mash-up monday with flo rida georgia line, dave salmoni and his wild animals are here, and we'll be right back with ryan gosling. what are you doing? sara, i love you, and... [phone rings] ah, it's my brother. keep going... sara, will you marry... [phone rings again] what do you want, todd???? [crowd cheering] keep it going!!!! if you sit on your phone, you butt-dial people.
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>> jimmy: tonight, he's a great animal lover and gets along well with people too. our friend dave salmoni is here with animals. dave brought a lion cub, a hyacinth macaw, and a -- giant yellow snake. then, it's mash-up monday as florida georgia line joins forces with flo rida to form "flo rida georgia line" from the samsung outdoor stage. tomorrow rustle ceo and music
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from dead and company. a please join us for a big week. >> jimmy: our first guest is an oscar and golden globe-nominated actor with a helluva mustache in his very funny new movie with russell crowe. "the nice guys" opens in theaters may 20th. please welcome ryan gosling. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you doing? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: are you still pretending to be mad or -- very good to see you. calm down. >> i'm sure you get this
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everywhere. >> i have to admit something. >> jimmy: okay. >> i didn't try this suit on before i came out. and i realize that it's -- it's so tight. no. it's wildly inappropriate. i feel like i'm going steady with these pants. >> jimmy: would you like to put my view mug in a place where i can protect you? >> no. i don't want that to be the view. >> jimmy: i got you. by the way, i have no idea what to expect for your movie. i didn't know if it was a comedy or -- i saw the posters. >> can you put the -- >> jimmy: do the opposite. i think it will get us better ratings. >> i'm sorry. >> jimmy: are you capable of --
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>> this is a classy joint. i took it to the gutter. >> jimmy: are you physically able to cross your legs? >> i can't feel my calves. i don't know if that's good. >> jimmy: well, i can, and i don't even know what that means. >> i asked for it because i'm dressed this guy. >> jimmy: no one would have noticed. don't let that make you self-conscious. >> you'll take that out? >> jimmy: well edit it out. you and russell crowe are funny. have you shown it to an audience and seen the reaction? >> kind of. i saw ten minutes with an audience. they kind of enjoyed it. >> jimmy: why did you leave? >> russell and i got asked to leave by the studio. we didn't tweet enough, we were reprimanded. i guess we're coming out against "angry birds". apparently we're getting crushed by "angry birds". we have to find a way to combat them, and we were like -- i
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mean. >> jimmy: ironically -- >> how do you outtweet an angry bird? where do you go for that? doesn't that involve an army of boss pigs or something in how do we fight them? >> jimmy: you don't. you co-exist. that's the only way to do it. >> we're trying. i was tweeted and he said i'm a crowe. you're a gosling. we're two of the angriest birds i know. >> jimmy: have you known each other a long time? you seem to have good chemistry on screen. >> we didn't. >> jimmy: you hung out while you're shooting the movie? >> one time. i did it once and i learned my lesson. >> jimmy: what happened? >> he generously invited everyone to a bar he bought out. there was a game of the rug by team that he owns.
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the rabidos. >> jimmy: rabid? >> no, like a rabbit. rabbit-oh. >> jimmy: oh. >> he's going to hate that. but that's why -- >> jimmy: we'll edit that out too. don't worry. >> thank you. >> and so we were there to watch a game and he gave everybody hats, and i sat down next to him and he had a big ice chest of ginger beer and a ice chest of vodka, and he just kept pouring my drinks and i was like, i have to do this. you know? i'm going to work with this guy. i have to just try and at least go one for three. >> jimmy: yeah, okay. >> and he's like watching the game and as he's explaining it, he's not only explaining what the rule is, but also he's like the rug by whisperer. he's in their heads and knows how they're going to move and when. he knows everything, and it's freakish, and i'm getting more and more soupy as the night goes
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on and by the end of the night i'm like, i look around and everyone is wearing white hats and i feel like i've fallen down the rabbit hole. i look at the tv screen, and russell is on the tv accepting this trophy and he has his arm around me in atlanta. >> jimmy: what? >> and i said, thank you for a lovely night. and i got to get home. just get home. i got home and in the morning i got to set and they were like yeah, that was a taped game. >> jimmy: wow. hey, we're going to take a quick break. before that i want to mention our mutual friend don rickls turned 90 yesterday. i was wondering if you phoned him yesterday. >> no, because i know it makes you look good and me bad. go for it. you called him and what
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happened? >> jimmy: well, i called him and left him a message. he called back later in the day to yell at me for not calling him on his birthday, and disregarding the fact that he was returning my telephone call. i'm curious what reaction you will get from him when you call him maybe days later? >> it will probably be how did you get this number. honestly, i don't have his numbers. i only know him through you. he is such a lovely man. >> jimmy: he is. >> when my little girl was born, he sent me a gift certificate for toys r us. >> jimmy: did he really? >> yes, and he said don't worry. you'll get another job. kids are expensive. >> jimmy: ryan gosling. we'll be right back. i have a blog called "daddy doing work", it's funny that i've been in the news for being a dad. windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. school, grocery shopping. my face can unlock this computer.
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they? >> jimmy: they did not. you have a clip from the film. you need to set this up in some way? >> let me ask you this. do you really want to see a clip? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i think it helps for the people to give them a sample of what the movie is. >> then if you do see it, maybe we could just act out the clip. [ applause ] >> jimmy: okay. all right. >> what do you say? >> jimmy: i'm totally into it. where are you going? your make is hanging off of your ve very tight pants. what if he never comes back? oh, here he is. look at that. oh, okay. all right. very good. you got a cookie jar? >> yeah. i got props and i highlighted them for you. >> jimmy: oh, a part for me. great. awesome. okay. >> i think we need an audience
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member. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: whose role are they playing? >> they're going to play russell crowe's part. >> jimmy: we need an audience member. i can do it. i can play rustle ceo. forg -- russell crowe. forget it. just pick an audience member. okay. there we go. >> what's your name? >> it's my lucky day. i'm karen. >> i think you're going to make a wonderful russell crowe. i'd ask you jimmy, but you don't have the gravitas. >> jimmy: karen, i'm sure will be better. >> this does not work here. i don't know what's going on. all right. yes. let's get that microphone under karen's bra. very good. >> jimmy: hello. how are you?
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>> good. i'm a huge fan. >> jimmy: that's nice. thank you. thank you. what should i do? >> i think you should read the stage directions. >> jimmy: all right. okay. should i start now? do we need somebody to yell action? >> let's set it up. karen, you're russell crowe in this scene. he's confronting my character, holen, and jimmy will read the stage directions. >> this is my first acting gig so -- >> you can't be worse an russell. [ crowd awing ] >> jimmy: they're friends. they hung out one night. >> yeah. >> he stands back on the edge of the bar trying to stand up. >> you gave up your client. >> i made a discretionary revolution. >> no, you gave her up, i asked you gave her one question. and you gave me all the information. >> but i thought that's what you
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wanted. >> jimmy: he reaches into the cookie jar to grab the gun. he grabs the gun. he grabs the wrist with one hand and uses the other hand to punch him in the face hard. the gun goes away. [ applause ] >> now i'm very sorry you didn't get the message. >> i get it now. i dig it. >> jimmy: he crawls across the floor for the gun but jackson kicks it away. kick it away. kick it. >> karen. >> jimmy: jackson gets on top of holen and. [ cheers and applause ] she grabs his left arm from behind. he grabs his left arm from behind. [ cheers and applause ] >> my jacket's too tight. >> no. no. >> jimmy: it's the next page,
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karen. >> what about now? oh, i think i have to turn the page. >> jimmy: karen is pregnant right now. >> i think i need it back. >> no. >> jimmy: jackson pull's holen's arm zblsh. >> just tell him you had a spinal fracture of the left radium. >> jimmy: jackson break's holen's left arm. [ cracking sound ] >> jimmy: and scene. nicely done, karen. >> thank you. >> jimmy: beautifully done. take a bow. >> let's see how this compares to the real clip. here it is. >> i made a discretionary revelation. >> no you you gave me all the information. >> i thought that's what you wanted. >> what? >> oh. >> now, i'm very sorry that you
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didn't get the message. >> i dig it. >> oh. >> what about now? give me your left arm. >> huh? >> your left arm. give me your left arm. >> no. >> yeah, come on. >> no. no. >> all right. look. when you're talking to your doctor just tell him you have a spiral fracture of the left radius. >> no. >> deep breath. [ cracking sound ] >> jimmy: "nice guys" opens in theaters may 20th. ryan gosling. we'll be right back with wild animals. ♪ wait, you shot that? she calls it, "onions." it's beautiful. put this on our homepage now. can i have three tickets for "onions" please? this was like seeing the onion on a molecular level. this is talent. why are we not representing it?
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>> jimmy: my, dave. sorry i would love to ghive youa hug, but you have a lion on you. >> while you're here. >> jimmy: no. have a seat. i can't be safe. i can't be safe. >> you're an expert. you great them by bumping heads with him. >> jimmy: what do you mean? >> you're going to go like this. like that. >> jimmy: i can't. i'm on the other side. i can't turn him around. >> you'll be great. turn there. let me get us seated. i'm going to watch. have his seat supported a little bit. >> jimmy: oh, god. >> you're okay. now, it's an african lion. i know you're about to ask me questions. >> jimmy: what part of africa are you from? >> all over. >> jimmy: he wants you. >> push him over. >> jimmy: what do you mean? what is the first rule?
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don't put the lions on me when you come out here. >> i thought you were so comfortable with lions now. you're like the face of lion conservation. >> jimmy: yeah, but i don't want them on me. he's an adorable animal, and i know i look like an idiot, but he could kill us. >> at this size, probably not. as you can see, i'll show you his claws here. >> jimmy: yeah. >> those can go deep in their skin if they need to. >> jimmy: if they need to. >> show me those teeth. >> jimmy: you're bleeding every time you come out here and it doesn't make me comfortable. >> as long as it's me and not you, i feel like i'm doing after my job. >> jimmy: have you ever done the lion king thing where you lift him up over your -- what's his weight? he doesn't like it. >> you hear the growling? that's just him talking. he's in love. he's a lover. >> jimmy: is he really in love? >> he's a big guy, he's going to be about 550 pounds, this guy.
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>> jimmy: oh, wow. don't bring him back then. and when do they turn where they don't think this is fun and cute? >> well, around -- >> jimmy: now you're embarra embarrassing me. now we have a nice young woman taking this. >> jimmy: okay, now the lion is getting agitated. >> he doesn't want to leave. >> jimmy: my daughter was just like that at dinner last night. that's something else. >> when they get bigger, they get a little more aggressive. >> jimmy: that's a bird. that's nice. >> a little calmer. >> jimmy: that's a nice thing to have. is that real? is this an angry bird? i know that -- >> grab one of those nuts. any one. the bigger ones are better. i'm going to give him to you. i know you love animals. >> jimmy: why am i getting -- look at the scratches on your body. >> up flat. you won't lose a finger that way. >> jimmy: please don't take a finger. >> now, put your hand up here.
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try to put it next to his foot. >> jimmy: foot? he doesn't want it. >> he wants it. >> jimmy: he's not hungry. >> let me try. >> jimmy: you try it. i told you he's not hungry. does this thing talk and say curse words? >> he could. >> jimmy: he likes it. he's got it in his mouth. >> my favorite thing about these guys is their beak is strong enough to break a broom handle. >> jimmy: that's your favorite thing about him, huh? your number one favorite thing about the animal? >> isn't that a cool fact? >> jimmy: it is, but not a fact i want -- >> it's the strongest beak in his family. >> jimmy: great. congratulations to you. >> he's one of the most endangered animals on the planet. >> jimmy: really? >> this guy is really suffering because of loss of habitat and poaching. the feathers are sought after because they're beautiful and the rain forest is obviously -- he's angry. >> jimmy: he's an angry bird.
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he would make a great hat for a british person. >> do you want to try to hold him again? >> jimmy: i don't. >> you do the whole segment like this. >> jimmy: i didn't realize. my body language. i'm relaxed. he wants an eyeball. be careful with that thing. please bring something that is not terrible out here. >> guillermo, come on over here. >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> jimmy, i need you over here. >> jimmy: bring the bird back. >> where's the head, guys? >> jimmy: the head's right there. where's the head? >> come on around. >> jimmy: where's the head. >> guillermo, take one head. jimmy you're going in the middle. unless you want the head. >> jimmy: i don't want the head. >> come around here. >> jimmy: is this one that crushes your body? >> yes. >> jimmy: maybe i do want the head. >> this is a python. a regular colored one would be green and brown. you sure you don't want to hold the head? >> jimmy: i feel like i'm in a
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britney spears video. this is very heavy. how many purses could you make out of something like this? >> if you keep talking purses, i'll give you the head. they're constrictors. those are the big muscles it wraps around. >> jimmy: is this one of the monsters on your show? >> it is. we have a special on burmese pythons. >> jimmy: what do you feed them. >> he can eat anything five times larger than his head. >> jimmy: who decides which animals are part of the zoo and which animals are food for the zoo animals? >> we typically try to keep the live animals alive. >> jimmy: what a great segment. thanks, dave. this is a lot of fun. come back again soon. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: dave salmoni! "monster week" begins may 26th on animal planet. and when we return, mash-up monday with flo rida georgia line.
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ryan gosling, will ferrell, dave salmoni and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next but first, it's mash-up monday with flo-rida georgia line! ♪ baby you a song you make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise ♪ ♪ yeah when i first saw that bikini top on her she's poppin right out of the south georgia water ♪ ♪ thought oh good lord she had them long tan legs couldn't help myself so i walked up and said ♪ ♪ baby you a song you make me wanna roll my windows down
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and cruise ♪ ♪ down a back road blowin stop signs through every little farm town with you ♪ ♪ and this brand new chevy with a lift kit would look a hell of a lot better with you up in it ♪ ♪ so baby you a song you make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise ♪ ♪ open up the champagne pop it's my house come on turn it up ♪ ♪ hear a knock on the door and the night begins cause we done this before so you come on in ♪ ♪ make yourself at my home tell me where you been pour yourself something cold baby cheers to this ♪
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♪ sometimes you gotta stay in and you know where i live yeah you know what we is ♪ ♪ sometimes you gotta stay in in ♪ ♪ welcome to my house baby take control now we can't even slow down we don't have to go out ♪ ♪ welcome to my house play that music too loud show me what you do now we don't have to go out ♪ ♪ welcome to my house welcome to my house ♪ ♪ morning comes and you know that you wanna stay close the blinds let's pretend ♪ ♪ that the time has changed ♪ ♪ keep our clothes on the floor open up champagne ♪ ♪ let's continue tonight come on celebrate ♪
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♪ sometimes you gotta stay in and you know where i live yeah you know what we is ♪ ♪ sometimes you gotta stay in in ♪ ♪ welcome to my house baby take control now we can't even slow down we don't have to go out ♪ ♪ welcome to my house play that music too loud show me what you do now we don't have to go out ♪ ♪ welcome to my house welcome to my house welcome to my house ♪
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this is "nightline." >> tonight as twisters tear through america's heartland we take yo to ground zero. we're with some of the best storm chasers in the business. ch why they do it and the cutting edge technology they news to cap capture these pictures. and how you can stay safe in a storm like this. and how to marry harry. he's totally single and here in the states tonight. we go inside our real life princess class for a hopeful single women. and this is why harry is really here tonight.
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