. all right, that is our report, if i'm rejected again, i will be heartbroken, so i hope she says yes. >> jimmy: oh, my god. that was incredible! this is gonna be a great season. can you imagine getting to date nick? >> yeah. >> definitely. >> jimmy: no, but seriously. just imagine. living in that mansion with all those other women, drinking chardonnay at the cocktail parties, seeing nick's abs up close, sticking your tongue down his throat -- >> yeah. we can imagine. >> jimmy: wearing 19 different beaded evening gowns, crying in the back of a limo, getting chlamydia in the hot tub -- >> yes! we can imagine! >> jimmy: wait a minute. i just realized something. are we on a two on one right now? >> hm -- >> we are. >> but you aren't. >> you're not.

>> come on ladies. it's time to make your fantasy sweet. >> oh, yeah. [ applause ] >> tonight. get ready for an episode of "jimmy kimmel live!" unlike anything you've ever seen before. featuring the most shocking, unbelievable monologue in late night television history. an interview with joel mchale that will leave you speechless, for decades. a conversation with bachelor nick that will change everything you have ever thought about anything in your entire life. and then, kaitlyn and andi sit down with nick and jimmy for a chat so explosive, you will literally die. and finally, one of these men will be going home. actually, all of them will be going, because they don't live here. it's all happening tonight, on a very special "jimmy kimmel live: here for the right reasons."

and now, here to begin this amazing journey, rosetradamus himself, jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. this is an amazing journey. welcome to the new year. that's very nice. we are back to work. i hope your vacation selfies got a lot of likes over the break. i'll tell you something. it's always funny coming back and asking your co-workers how their vacation was even though you saw every moment of it exhaustively documented on instagram. we are back in the nick of time. literally. tonight on abc the season premiere of "the bachelor." the bachelor, nick viall is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] i'll say it will be nice for him to be on a show where not everyone is trying to have sex with him all the time. for those who don't know the

story, before becoming the bachelor nick was on "the bachelorette" two times which is unusual. he was on one season of "bachelor in paradise." this is his fourth tour of duty. this time, he has vowed to give america a happy ending, and yes, we will have to pay extra for that. [ laughter ] so believe it or not, this is the 21st season of "the bachelor," and the biggest season. this time, there were 30 women to choose from. it's funny, you know, if a mandates 30 women on tv, it's a reality show. if he does it in real life, it's a cult. [ laughter ] the women they picked this year, it's a diverse group, and it really is great, it shows young women, that when it comes to love between two people, it doesn't matter what race you are, what job you have or where you come from, so long as you are under 110 pounds and have medium to large-sized breasts. you can find love. [ laughter ] my wife is so excited about this show. i consider my wife to be a very intelligent, balanced woman. she doesn't go overboard. she is appropriately enthusiastic in every situation,

until this show comes on. [ laughter ] then she turns into -- you know that guy at the raiders games who paints his face black and he has skulls with spikes? coming out of him shoulders? that's my wife when "the bachelor" comes on tv. i keep a taser tucked in the sofa just in case she turns on me. she loves it. my favorite part is i like the first part when the contestants pull up and introduce themselves. these women get out of the limo, which by the way they kind of make it seem like each woman has her own limo, she's traveled there from the airport. that's not how it works. there's one limo that circles around like an airport shuttle. they are standing at a bus stop waiting for them to get picked up. anyway. i like the part when they have all 30 women come up one by one. to meet the bachelor, tell him they want to be with him. it's like the bunny ranch but with a wedding at the end. and almost all of them feel the need to do something funny to make an impression on him. >> i hear you like a good hump. >> wow.

i don't think i've ever seen a camel before. >> where are we going with this? >> i need you to turn around for me. >> you're leaning in my book. [ speaking foreign language ] >> so do you know that girl wearing underwear? >> i don't. >> neither do i. >> whoo, pig suey! >> oh, my god. >> i'm so excited to meet you. and i dolphin-itally can't wait to go inside. >> jimmy: you're dolphin-itally not making it past week three. [ laughter ] that was a woman named alexis. she is an aspiring dolphin trainer who wore a costume. it sparked what might be the biggest controversy of the new year so far. >> oh, my god. a shark! >> i'm a dolphin. >> oh. >> she is in a shark costume, but she is a dolphin.

>> i just love dolphins. >> that's a dolphin and not a shark? >> i'm a dolphin. >> i keep thinking it's a shark. are we sure? it's a dolphin? >> there's a debate whether she is a shark or dolphin. >> jimmy: obviously, she is a dolphin. sharks don't make that noise. [ laughter ] by the way, she got a rose. which had to make the women who didn't feel very good about themselves. the big twist tonight, the big drama was that nick didn't seem to recognize a contestant named liz, even though they apparently met at a wedding and had sex six months ago. she got out of the limo and he just kind of looked puzzled. and then we saw a season preview rith a lot of the other women crying about this. apparently, they found out and they were sobbing. i don't know if they thought he was a virgin going into this or what. [ laughter ] if i was the bachelor, right at the start of the show i'd make an announcement. listen, everybody. i want this to be fair, and all of you to be treated equally, so i'm going to be having sex with

everyone in this house. [ laughter ] chris harrison included. [ laughter ] so if you have a problem with that, go be on "survivor" or something like that. some of these women come in maybe because nick has been on "the bachelor" 15 times now. some of them are actually -- they're starstruck when they meet him, like justin timberlake walked in the room. they are in love with a guy they have never met, which, you know, is a recipe for a strong long-term relationship. [ laughter ] probably the most aggressive of the women was corinne who repeatedly said, i run a multimillion dollar business. of course it's her father's multi-million dollar business. and corinne has something i doubt any other 24-year-old woman living in america has. >> hi. i'm corinne. i'm 24 and live in miami. corinne's world is glamorous. i live with my family and i work with them. we are together 24/7. can you have raquel get me my snacks? that would be great.

>> okay. >> and there's my nanny, raquel. she does everything for me. thank you so much. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she has a nanny who brings her cucumbers. which as far as red flags go is downright maroon. [ laughter ] i mean, but corinne is in. she got a rose. we also met raven tonight who owns a fashion boutique in arkansas, which is funny, but she also -- [ laughter ] she appears to be very down to earth. >> i'm raven gates, and welcome to arkansas. i have an amazing family. i have an amazing life except i'm lonely and i want love. nick is very attractive, and i know he has had his heart broken. >> jimmy: oh, my god. you hate to -- [ laughter ] that's so raven. nick sent eight women home tonight. we are down to 22. nobody wants to go home, but

here's the thing. if none of the women go home, who would be around to teach us pilates? they need to get back to work. [ laughter ] i love the jobs on "the bachelor." it's four real jobs and then 20 that they made up. like vip cocktail waitress. "twin" was a job on the show. i noticed that an inright side nat number of the women on the show are dental hygienists. we made up a game. "bachelor" fans -- it's time to put your intuition and aptitude for trivia to work. dental hygienist or not? [ cheers and applause ] shannon from season 13. was she a dental hygienist or not? shannon was a dental hygienist. from season 19, mckenzie. was she a dental hygienist or --? no? the audience says no. and yes, she was a dental hygienist. all right. we go back to season 15, and

ashley herbert was -- the audience says yes. some of the gentlemen say she was a dental student. although by now she's probably a dental hygienist. in a way everyone was right. next up, monica from season 16. dental hygienist or not? we are split again. monica was a dental consultant. which is not a hygienist. they just talk about teeth. they don't do anything, and finally, from season 20, mandy kramer. mandy, dental hygienist or not? mandy was a dentist! not a dental hygienist. stop being so sexist. it's 2017. women can be dentists now. and that was "dental hygienist or not." [ cheers and applause ] i will say this. it didn't seem so great on tv, but if you play it on nitrous oxide it's a lot of fun.

the best job hands down is aspiring dolphin trainer. the dolphin girl who accidentally dressed as a shark was the breakout star of the night. in order to further her career in marine biology, we paired it the audio with tonight's premiere of "the bachelor," we paired it with the old hannah barbera tar toon "jabberjaw." and it works. >> i have a shark, and she thinks she is a dolphin. that's a concern. >> i'm excited to know you more honestly. i'm in a dolphin [ bleep ] suit. >> i mean, it's a shark. >> i want to be the first dolphin to get a [ bleep ] rose tonight. >> so that's a dolphin and not a shark? >> i'm a dolphin. >> i keep thinking it's a shark. [ making dolphin noise ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have to take a break. when we come back, mariah carey gave quite a performance on new year's eve, and i'll share my thoughts on that, and we'll be

back with bachelor, nick, kaitlyn, andi and joel mchale, so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ only at&t offers you all your live channels and dvr on your devices, data-free. it's entertainment. your way. hurry in for olive garden's just $10.99. italian dinner, start with unlimited soup or salad and breadsticks. choose your favorite pasta and sauce combination. top it off with a delicious dessert. that's three courses for just $10.99.

only at olive garden. when i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. liberty did what? yeah, with liberty mutual all i needed to do to get an estimate was snap a photo of the damage and voila! voila! (sigh) i wish my insurance company had that... wait! hold it... hold it boys... there's supposed to be three of you... where's your brother? where's your brother? hey, where's charlie? charlie?! you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you. liberty stands with you™ liberty mutual insurance

hashtag stuffy nose. hashtag no sleep. hashtag mouthbreather. just put on a breathe right strip. it instantly opens your nose up to 38% more than cold medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. breathe right. new aveeno®... don't just eat yogurt... wear it. daily moisturizing body yogurt. enriched with the nutrients found in greek yogurt, intensely nourishes skin for 48 hours. aveeno®. naturally beautiful results®.

the goalie has studied every one of your shots. she knows you're going for her left corner. she even teases you, calling the shot. but her legs are the ones trembling, not yours. time to shine. orbit. heavy, labored breathing heavy, labored breathing

coughing breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask covered california. it's more than just health care. it's life care. >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back to our special "bachelor" post show. autopsy. joe mchale and bachelor nick are on the way. kaitlyn and andi are here, but first, the new year is here. finally, you know, it's funny. people keep saying i'm so glad 2016 is over. if you didn't like how last year turned out, you're going to hate this one. [ laughter ] i mean really. according to -- they did one of these polls from meares. the number one new year's resolution for 2017 is to be a

better person. exercising and losing weight is tied for second. losing weight is -- it's too hard. i decided to shoot for -- this year instead of weight, i'm losing blood. [ laughter ] i'm going to -- it's a lot more doable. guillermo, i saw your new year's resolution on facebook. >> that's right. >> jimmy: let's put that on the screen there. my resolution for 2017 is do more yoga and meditation. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> it's good! >> jimmy: you meditate? >> yeah. i want to be relaxed and happy, you know. >> jimmy: do you sit down and meditate? >> i do. >> jimmy: you know that's napping. that's not meditating. [ laughter ] how often do you go yoga? >> uh -- [ laughter ] . . >> once. >> if you do it twice this year you'll have achieved your goal. >> that's right. >> jimmy: do a yoga position for us.

what that is? >> i think the share position. i don't know. no the share position is like this. >> jimmy: the share position? >> yeah. like a share. >> jimmy: do downward chihuahua. let's see what that looks like. >> what? >> jimmy: never mind. [ laughter ] good luck with that. >> all right. >> jimmy: i had a weird thing happen over the break. my amazon alexa, you know, that thing fell in love with a hatchimal. they ran off together. i'm out 300 bucks. [ laughter ] [ drumroll ] >> jimmy: thanks. this is funny. my daughter who is 2 1/2 years old has conversations with alexa. like corinne with her nanny. the cucumbers. apparently this is a common thing. this is an interaction between alexa and a young boy that is basically every parent's worst nightmare about the future come to life. >> alexa, play ticker ticker. >> oh --

>> you want to play a station for porn detective -- [ bleep ], [ bleep ] -- >> alexa, stop! >> jimmy: oh, yeah, alexa with three xs. [ laughter ] this is fun. this is from the auburn georgia basketball game. it was a time-out near the end the game. players from georgia found themselves in a huddle with an unexpected new teammate. >> 1:39 to go. allen harper is -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a team player right there. for both teams. mariah carey ended 2016 on a rough note. did you see her on "dick clark's new year's rocking ryan seacrest eve"? on the off chance you missed it, here's a little sample of the wreckage that was. ♪ when you left i lost a part of me ♪ ♪ is that so hard to believe ♪ come back because we belong

together ♪ ♪ times get rough ♪ who is going to talk to me on the phone until the sun comes up ♪ ♪ there ain't nobody better ♪ oh, baby, baby, we belong together, baby ♪ ♪ when you left >> jimmy: she lipped -- she just forgot to sync. [ laughter ] if you think about it, that was the perfect ending to 2016. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] next time, she should put peanut butter in mariah's mouth the make it look like she was doing something. she claims she was sabotaged by producers, or maybe it was by someone who was so upset they had to hear her christmas song a billion times last year. she says she believes someone at dick clark productions did some

to boost ratings. for real. she thinks they deliberately messed with her earpiece, which is such a crazy theory, some people think she might be positioning herself to run for president of the united states. [ cheers and applause ] mariah carey wasn't the only confused person in times square. we had this individual. ♪ come back, baby please because we belong together ♪ >> wearing novelty glasses that say 2007. maybe we found a time traveler. it was all very -- it was a confusing night. somehow that confusion even managed to befuddle gloria esstefan. >> come on, new york city, where are you? it's almost 2007! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] we have a lot of fun in store

tonight. it is our very special bachelor special. we're here for the right reasons. "the bachelor" himself is here. kaitlyn and andi are here, and we'll be right back with joel mchale, so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ even when you know where you're going... ♪ it still matters how you get there. ♪ the lexus line of luxury suvs. giving you the power to make your own way. ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

anything with a screen is a tv. stream 130 live channels. plus 40,000 on demand tv shows and movies, all on the go. you can even download from your x1 dvr and watch it offline. only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. download the xfinity tv app today.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back friends and lovers of love. it is a night of intensely manufactured romance. the bachelor, nick viall, is here. nick will be greeted later on by two women who dumped him on television, andi and kaitlyn will be here. tomorrow night on the show will be at our regular time with taraji p. henson will be here, from "fences" jovan adepo. we will have music from mike posner, and later this week, kevin costner, joel edgerton, k. trevor wilson. music from fantastic negrito and andy richter, whom you know from conan, is here to promote his new game show which is based on a game show from our show. it's called "big fan." next monday night at this time, matthew mcconaughey and green bay packers quarterback aaron rodgers will go head to head with their biggest fans to find out who knows more about matthew mcconaughey and the packers' quarterback, aaron rodgers. that's next monday here on abc. starting at 10:00 p.m. [ cheers and applause ]

our next guest has not been a bachelor for 20 years but he loves helicopters and hot tubs more than anyone i know. his show is called "the great indoors." it airs thursday nights on cbs. he's hosted the people's choice awards on january 18th. please say hello to joel mchale. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> thank you. >> jimmy: welcome. welcome. thank you for coming. happy new year to you. >> thank you. happy new year. should we clear this shark/dolphin [ bleep ] right now? >> jimmy: what's your opinion? >> it's a [ bleep ] shark costume. [ cheers and applause ] i asked them to pull up the stupid -- show the picture. those are gills. sharks breathe water.

to stay alive, they must move the water through them or they die. dolphins breathe air. thank you. >> jimmy: wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> you're welcome, america. thank you. >> jimmy: i had no idea you knew so much about the sea. >> i do. thankfully -- i'm an oceanographer. >> jimmy: i didn't know. >> i'm going to fix that right now. >> jimmy: you hosted "the soup" how long? how many years? >> 36 years. >> jimmy: wow. >> i was fired by kim kardashian. >> jimmy: what? >> yep, yep. >> jimmy: is that right? >> she and her ass showed up in my dressing room, and it was, like, we're not all going to fit in here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that was good-bye. >> that was good-bye last year, yeah. >> jimmy: was "the bachelor" a big part of the show? >> never showed a clip. it was a huge part because abc has a real hit in "the bachelor." but it wasn't -- because i always called it, oh, look at the parade of unstable sluts

trying to get a date. >> jimmy: that was the original title. [ laughter ] >> and then there was "the favor of love" came out with flavor flav, which that's what it was. [ laughter ] "the bachelor," they all pretend they want to fall in love. what's more scary is they think they actually will find it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you think they are pretending -- i think they actually -- >> i think you're right, which is really frightening. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but we -- my favorite bachelor was brad womack who chose no one. i was, like, greatest, most sensible person. ever. >> jimmy: you're right, that's right. >> then they brought him back and he chose someone. >> jimmy: you're right. >> i also love jake because he looked like he should have starred in "american psycho." [ laughter ] he was terrifying and he and nick do the same thing, which is they talk while smiling. if you watch -- hopefully you have seen it. if you watch nick, he is coming out here, and they have almost finished shaving down his body

as you saw in the opening. [ laughter ] that soft core porn he shot right before he did "the bachelor," he'll be, like, yeah. you're pretty, too. i love your dress. it's really great. it's a great dress. it's great. [ laughter ] and a puppet will appear from behind him. >> jimmy: i haven't noticed that, and now i won't be able to focus on anything else now. [ laughter ] >> it's great to be here, and i can't believe it. this is amazing. >> jimmy: what about "the bachelorette"? who is your favorite? >> of all time? >> jimmy: all-time, going back to the 1800s. >> okay, i'm going to go with myrtle -- no. i'm going to go with kaitlyn. there was, like, five named kaitlyn. >> jimmy: well, i guess, yeah. there must be a lot of kaitlyns. you mean the one here tonight? >> i don't care. [ laughter ] i want to point out that chris,

the host, he is just always on the verge of bursting out laughing. [ laughter ] because they're, like, this is a real big deal. >> jimmy: i'm headed to the golf course. >> and i saw it because they sent me an advanced copy of the show, so ha ha ha. two people in this episode said, you know, my friend submitted me for this, and that is just [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: you don't believe it? >> no. because here's how these shows work. sure, okay. your friend might have gone, you should go on there, and the number of hoops to get through and hurdles to jump through to actually appear on the show, you have to make a real effort. >> jimmy: you probably have to give your social security number. >> absolutely, but when they walk -- there's tests. there's all sorts of interviews. they want to make sure you're super-hot and unstable and weird. [ laughter ]

so don't -- "bachelor" contestants, from now on stop saying your friend did this. >> jimmy: that's good advice. >> everybody knows you were the weirdest, hottest person in your high school, and this is exactly what we expect. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think you have given these "bachelor" contestants and us, for that matter, a lot to think about. >> i'm glad i can do that for you. >> jimmy: in a way, you have ruined the show for everyone. congratulations, joel. >> you're welcome. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. >> i'm sorry that i have not stopped talking for the last four minutes. >> jimmy: no, believe me -- >> i used to just make fun of these shows and this is a real therapy time for me. >> jimmy: glad you could get this off your chest, and spare your wife while she is trying to watch the show. >> your segment producer asked, does your wife watch? i was, like, nope. she does not watch television at all. >> jimmy: really? you could say anything you want about her right now? >> i can. she grew a tail last year, and she could slap me in the face with it and i didn't know it was coming.

>> jimmy: you're hosting the people's choice awards. [ cheers and applause ] you led your own applause there. >> thank you. yep. it's pretty much the biggest deal in hosting this year. >> jimmy: that is what they -- >> is there anyone else on stage right now hosting a bigger deal award show? >> jimmy: but that is -- >> you're hosting the oscars. >> jimmy: but that doesn't -- [ cheers and applause ] that doesn't minimize that you are hosting "the people's choice awards." >> yes, it does. it does minimize it a bit. mine's more important obviously. >> jimmy: have you started working on "the people's choice awards"? >> no. i'm going to show up and do it. >> jimmy: really? >> no. yeah we've started putting together -- you better be working on yours. >> jimmy: don't worry about me, i'm under my desk working on it. that's yes appreciate you talking. >> did you get nervous when you heard the news you were chosen?

>> jimmy: i almost threw up, yeah. i had a migraine headache for nine hours. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah, no kidding around. >> wow. then that passed and you're like, okay, it's showtime. you were so good hosting the emmys that you have -- >> jimmy: all right -- thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> that here -- >> jimmy: we should be showering together at this point. >> you're going to have a hard time topping that. i get -- i don't know how you -- i get nervous right before. i feel like, oh, this material's going to be funny. >> jimmy: then you see people you don't know staring at you. >> yeah, and i go, oh, crap. you say, imagine everybody naked, which doesn't make any sense. >> jimmy: no. >> then people ask you what you're doing being silent onstage. you're like, i'm imagining people naked. >> jimmy: right yeah. >> and it's weird. >> jimmy: it's terrible advice. >> it doesn't make sense. >> jimmy: you could get sexually excited and start humping people. [ laughter ] >> much like that girl on "the bachelor" who rode a camel in. >> jimmy: very well done, there you go. >> you saw that?

you guys know about the girl who rode the camel? >> jimmy: we saw that. >> the abc producers are like, this hump joke is going to be huge. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: use it on "the people's choice awards." >> i might. >> jimmy: joel mchale, the people's choice awards january 18th on cbs. and "the great indoors," his very own television show. joe mchale. we'll be right back with the bachelor nick! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ could you just be supportive? it's my first day. did he just say "first day?" i think he said "first day." yeah... that guy is not exactly dentist material. he's not. luckily, this guy is five stars. really? and handsome. get me outta here. we know just the place. no matter what you need or when you need it, check yelp first.

babdo you want any?p. no thanks. i have a salad. there's nothing like a bowl of campbell's chicken noodle soup... and salad. made for real, real life. so if ydead battery,t tire, need a tow or lock your keys in the car, geico's emergency roadside assistance is there 24/7. oh dear, i got a flat tire. hmmm. uh... yeah, can you find a take where it's a bit more dramatic on that last line, yeah? yeah i got it right here. someone help me!!! i have a flat tire!!! well it's good... good for me. what do you think? geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.

at planters, we put fresh roawhich has its drawbacks.an, guys, know anything about this missing inventory? wasn't me! the cheeks don't lie, chet... irresistibly planters. not to be focusingo finaon my moderatepe. to severe chronic plaque psoriasis. so i made a decision to talk to my dermatologist about humira. humira works inside my body to target and help block a specific source of inflammation

that contributes to my symptoms. in clinical trials, most adults taking humira were clear or almost clear, and many saw 75% and even 90% clearance in just 4 months. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. ask about humira, the #1 prescribed biologic by dermatologists. clearer skin is possible. (laughs) here it is. ♪ hey dad!

wishes do come true. the lincoln wish list sales event is on. get exceptional offers on the lincoln family of luxury vehicles. the final days of the lincoln wish list sales event are here. get a new 2016 lincoln mkx with zero down and a complementary first month's payment. why does your tummy go "grumbily, grumbily, grumbily"? no more questions for you! ooph, that milk in your cereal was messing with you, wasn't it? try lactaid, it's real milk, without that annoying lactose. good, right? mmm, yeah. lactaid. the milk that doesn't mess with you.

>> jimmy: hello, we're back. with our post-bachelor special. our next guest is the most sexually active man on television. he is the man of the hour with a lot of important decisions to make. please say hello to the bachelor, nick viall. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: now i'm going to have to watch. see if you're smiling. >> i'm going to try not to smile the entire time. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: only joel can make smiling into a bad thing. >> very self-conscious now. >> jimmy: good to see you. how are you doing? >> i'm well. >> jimmy: things are good? >> yeah. >> jimmy: who did you kiss on new year's eve? [ laughter ] >> my mom. >> jimmy: did you really kiss your mom on new year's eve? >> no. >> jimmy: you did not. did you kiss anyone on new year's eve? >> i did not. >> jimmy: you ruined the show. we know what happened now. >> sorry. >> jimmy: although maybe geographically -- is it safe to say you are not single now? you are in a relationship? >> i don't think i can say anything. >> jimmy: you can tell us. [ laughter ] >> you promise not to tell anyone? >> jimmy: we'll keep it just between the 202 of us. yeah. >> all right. so i picked -- >> jimmy: i know who you pick. i knew before you even got signed up to do this who you were going to pick. that's why they call me rosetradamus. >> okay. >> jimmy: it's an ability that i -- >> i could pick someone and i have a track record. >> jimmy: that has happened to

you before. the important thing is who you pick and not how it turns out. we know what happens after the show ends. [ laughter ] you're on the magazine with the rip down the middle. that's how it goes. [ laughter ] >> you're laughing. >> jimmy: i want to ask about a couple of the women on the show. first of all, liz, who is the woman that you met -- she was what? the maid of honor at a wedding. >> she was. >> jimmy: you met her? at the wedding? >> i did. >> jimmy: then you went to her room or your room? >> i don't remember. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't remember. so after you -- you consummated your like, i guess, you said, can i have your number? and she said no? >> yeah, i mean -- she kind of gave me the whole, let's just leave it alone. so i was like, okay. >> jimmy: was that -- i mean, i would think that would shake me to my core. >> i was -- i was okay with it. >> jimmy: you were okay with it? >> i respected her decision,

and -- >> jimmy: uh-huh. wow. you're good at this getting dumped thing. i mean really it's like -- [ laughter ] you're the best at it. >> it's like, whatever. >> jimmy: are you like this -- have you ever been fired from a job? >> no. >> jimmy: that will be easy for you too. how do you still have a job by the way? how is that possible that you are still working? >> i have been able to do some other stuff as a result of being on so many times. >> jimmy: you're not working at that job anymore? >> i don't do the software thing anymore. >> jimmy: no software. >> i'm lucky enough to have my own. >> jimmy: all hardware from now on, right? that liz -- did you recognize her? when she got out of the limo? >> i recognized her right away. >> jimmy: you did. >> yes. at that point i think 14 other women showed up, and i was, like, that's liz. >> jimmy: right. >> she walks up and just has this grin, but didn't say anything. so i was just -- i'm thinking to myself, on the off chance that i am wrong, i didn't want to be, like, nice to see you again. and her say, nope. not me.

so i was, like, okay. i'm pretty sure this is liz, and she went with the whole i'm going to see if he knows me. i was caught off guard by it, i didn't know what to do. and she walked in, and i was, like, i know that's liz. >> jimmy: yeah. oh, wow. and you couldn't text her because you didn't have her phone number. >> yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so one of the other women was corinne, who really was very aggressive with you right away. one of those interrupting things. >> she was fairly assertive. it's fine. >> jimmy: do you like it, when they interrupt, when they say, excuse me, isn't that off-putting in a way? >> why? no. i did my fair share of that. >> jimmy: you're okay with that? >> i like a lady who knows what she wants. >> jimmy: you like an adult woman who has a nanny? [ laughter ] >> you know, the thing is, no. i didn't know right away. took a couple of weeks.

>> jimmy: oh, they didn't tell -- you don't get to see -- >> you don't know, right? her intro. it was brought to my attention by one of the other ladies as a potential red flag. she was, like, i need to let you know corinne has a nanny. while i appreciated the potential red flags as a grown woman having a nanny, i thought, huh. what are the benefits? [ laughter ] if this works out, do i also get the nanny? >> jimmy: i think you would get the nanny, yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] that's smart. all right. so we're going to take a quick break here, and we're going to meet two faces from your past. two women you may remember. in fact, they are -- andi and kaitlyn are here. >> very exciting. >> jimmy: yes. [ laughter ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: you're welcome. bachelor nick, everybody. we'll be back with andi and kaitlyn. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

(vo) it's that time of year again. when you realize you still didn't get quite what you wanted. that's why verizon has the best deals of the year on the best network. like a free smartphone when you add a line or switch. no trade-in required. choose from the samsung galaxy j3, the lg k8 or stylo, or the the motoz play. all free. and as if you needed another reason, switch to verizon now and get up to $650 to cover your costs. there's still time to get exactly what you want at verizon. during the final days of it'the ford year end event.ve hurry in for the best deals of the season on ford, america's most awarded brand. with the most 5-star ratings... and the highest owner loyalty... giving drivers what matters most. that's how you become america's best-selling brand. just announced, get $1500 total cash on select models, on top of the best offers of the season. hurry, the final days of the

ford year end event end january third. i will nevi wnevereverair again. wash my hair again now, i fuel it new pantene doesn't just wash your hair, it fuels it. with the first pro-v nutrient blend, making every... ...strand stronger don't just wash your hair fuel it fuel your hair. because strong is beautiful.

♪ ♪ something powerful happens when you filter. ♪ because when you filter out the bad... you're left with...the good. in life. and in water. choose the cleaner, better tasting world of brita.

choose the filtered life. ♪ 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good ♪ ♪ and it feels so good ♪ oh yeah ♪ and it feels so good but when we brought our daughter home, that was it. now i have nicoderm cq. the nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release technology helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. it's the best thing that ever happened to me. every great why needs a great how. when i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. i just snapped a photo and got an estimate in 24 hours. my insurance company definitely doesn't have that... you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™ liberty mutual insurance

life... is unpredictable. life is deaths. and births. sickness and health. love and heartbreak. and covered california is there for it all. not just to help keep you well. but to make sure the cost of being unwell doesn't ruin this whole life thing. because it's more than just health care. it's life care.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're back with bachelor, nick. our final guests this evening are two of the reasons nick is still living with strangers in a strange house. they are former bachelorettes who asked him not to put a ring on it. please welcome andi dorfman and kaitlyn bristowe. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ well, this is awkward for everyone but me. >> i disagree. >> can i just say thank you for not picking me? >> yes, you can. >> you're welcome. and thank you. >> you're welcome, thank you. >> i have something to say before we even get started. because the last time i was on this show, you bet me -- you made me put my hand on a stack of "us weekly" magazines to swear that i would still be

together with shawn b. after a year. and we are. >> jimmy: all right. [ cheers and applause ] guess what? guess what? i happen to have partly in 50s, $1,000 for you, and give shawn b. his half of his money. >> i will not. but anyways. i wanted to challenge you because we will walk down the aisle. so i was thinking double or nothing. >> jimmy: oh! >> i've got my attorney here. >> jimmy: i see. >> i would advise against it, but, you know. >> i followed my lead once, and i regret it. >> jimmy: i'll go double or nothing on you getting married. >> you want to? >> jimmy: yeah, i will. >> and maybe -- i won't give any to joel mchale because he's a [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ] >> double or nothing. >> jimmy: tunnel or nothing. we'll see. how long until you get married? >> give us, like, another year. >> jimmy: another year? >> yeah. $2,000. we did just meet a year and a half ago.

>> jimmy: when was the last time you, any of you, any combination of you, saw each other? >> this is so awkward. >> i don't think so. >> i feel great. feels great. >> it's been a -- >> they were at the wedding. >> jimmy: oh, the wedding where liz -- did you know about that liz thing going down? >> who's liz? oh, yeah. >> jimmy: that's what he said. >> the maid of honor. >> yeah. i recall. i was doing sober january, and so i left. >> you were not fun at that wedding. >> i sucked and i was, like, boo. this is boring because i'm not drinking and i went home early. >> jimmy: andi, were you there? >> i was, like, the single girl, and they were up on the bridesmaids and apparently maid of honor. >> i don't know if i was up on anyone. >> it was an interesting morning after. >> jimmy: do you contact each other or anything like that? >> not a ton. >> we do. >> yeah. we talk every once in a while. >> we run into each other. we're friends. >> yeah.

not friends like we are. >> yeah. >> we're friendly. >> i mean, this is so awkward. might as well text it out. >> jimmy: it's great, i'm loving it, i'll be honest with you. >> i was going to say. this is gold for you right now. >> jimmy: it really is. >> i feel like i'm not a part of this. i'm happily engaged, it's been a year and a half. >> way to rub it in. >> jimmy: i want to do another post show for the three of you after this. >> sure. >> jimmy: that would be the greatest thing possible. >> i get it. >> just don't invite joel mchale. i saw him backstage, and i was, guess what? i don't like you. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> i may be your favorite, but i don't like you. >> jimmy: he did say you were his favorite. >> yeah, just -- >> jimmy: he knew. he knows what's going on. >> mchale said, that's your real name? >> jimmy: wow, who would have known that all anger would be directed at joel mchale. [ laughter ] >> it's working out for me. >> jimmy: you owe joel is what happened here. >> take that money and give it to joel. >> jimmy: we're going to take a quick break, and see two things when we come back. number one, we're going to see

me predict the final four. and you guys can say what you think about nick's final four. and number two -- >> shark. >> jimmy: we'll show you a clip from nick's new show here on abc. >> dolphin. >> jimmy: it's our post-"bachelor" rose-stravaganza. we'll be right back.

nick viall was jilted on "the bachelorette" twice, and then failed on "bachelor in paradise," and now things are going to be different. >> see you later, nick. >> see you on the group date! ♪ all by myself >> no tears. no screaming. no bickering. no fighting. no drama. no women. "the bachelor: home alone." >> hi, nick. s. >> hey, nick. >> nick! nick!

>> give me that rose! >> the bachelor: home alone." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what a dolphin sounds like. we're back with nick and andi and kaitlyn, and it's time for me to pick my final four. let's pay special attention to nick's face. first, to whom you gave the first impression rose, i believe rachel the attorney will be in your final four. yes? >> i say yes. i like her. >> jimmy: you say yes? >> you usually are right, so i'm going to go with you. >> jimmy: thank you very much. next, danielle l. showed a lot of cleavage, yes? >> yes! >> i think if they brought their "a" game and "d" cups, they are in. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. next, corinne. >> who has "d" cups? >> jimmy: she has a nanny, which

appeals to nick. he kissed her on the first night. they're setting her up to be the villain, which means she will be on the show very close to the end. >> she seemed sexy and sassy. he might like her. >> great tv. >> yeah, she's sassy. >> jimmy: you would know. there's corinne. finally, the winner of "the bachelor" season 21, vanessa! [ cheers and applause ] vanessa will win. >> are you smiling? >> i always smile. >> jimmy: what do you say? >> i always smile. >> you're smiling. >> jimmy: there you go. nobody has to watch the rest of the season. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you all for being here. thank you for sharing. nick. i wish you a lot of luck. i wish all of you a lot of luck. watch "the bachelor" monday nights on abc. thanks to joel mchale, andi and kaitlyn, and we apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. good night!

this is "nightline." >> tonight, diva disaster. mariah carey ringing but not singing in the new year. ♪ we didn't have a soundtrack for this new year's baby it's okay guys ♪ >> damage control after a major music malfunction on live tv. >> we're missing something but it is what it is. >> emotions running high before the ball dropped. who dropped the ball? what she's saying tonight. >> i want a holiday too, can i not have one? competitive pole dancing? the sensuous art has gone from strip to sport. hundreds of athletes training year round to do tricks that will make your head spin. and an arms race for the championship. and a little taste of a