from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- jessica alba. comedian doug benson. and music from leann rimes. and now, first things first -- here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, thank you. welcome to the show. welcome, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the program. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. we have more to get to than we could possibly shove into one show. i hate to bring anybody down but i have a little pin to put in our collective balloon. "u.s. news and world reports"

released their annual ranking of the best countries in the world, and the united states, you know how we always say we're number one? turns out we're not number one. that honor goes to switzerland. switzerland was named the best country in the world. based on several factors including power, quality of life, economic influence, and tiny little army knife production. [ laughter ] the u.s. dropped from fourth to seventh. canada is number two. which i think means we're going to have to build a wall up there too, i'm sorry. [ laughter ] sweden came in sixth. one ahead of us, sweden. which, come on we got beat. >> by -- there's no way we rank below a country where you have to assemble your own furniture, i just don't buy it. meanwhile as our standing in the world drops former president obama couldn't care less. he's living the life of a third grade teacher on the first day of summer break. obama, his wife michelle, were spotted at the national gallery of art and much of bees made of this outfit he was wearing. which is totally sexist by the

way. wait, i don't know. it's something offensive. i'm offended, whatever it is. if i saw this guy pull up on a motorcycle, there's a 0% chance i wouldn't whip my shirt off and hop on the back. laugh li [ laughter ] looks like they even got new clothes for the secret service guy. this is a good look for president -- i could see him wearing this in a number of situations. he could be one of the avengers. he'd fit in right next to brad pitt in "fight club." he could be on "the bachelor." he could model for jcpenney. he could be one of those guys walking away from an explosion without looking back. which i guess is kind what was he is doing right now. [ laughter ] so -- [ cheers and applause ] trump's cooped up in the oval office, obama's walking around. remember how upset trump was about the size of the inauguration? the national park service released the official photos of

the events. this is obama's inauguration in 2009. this is trump's inaugural crowd. obviously too close to call. [ laughter ] national park service is going to be in a lot of the trouble for putting that picture out. i don't think they realize, all president trump has to do is add six letters and that thing -- becomes blacktop just like that. also in washington, d.c., house republicans have unveiled their much-anticipated new health care plan. this is the one that's supposed to replace obamacare. they're calling it the american health care act. here's what we know about it so far. the new plan stresses personal responsibility. which for too long americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their health care. according to this new plan, large employees, big companies, would no longer be required to provide their full-time employees with health insurance. if you hate working for a big corporation, don't worry, you'll be dead soon. [ laughter ] the plan is already getting criticism from both democrats and within the republican party.

some conservatives say it's subsidies make tight much like obamacare. a number of republican governors and moderates say its lack of protections make it not enough like obama care. gee, if there were only a plan that was right in the middle of those. [ laughter ] what would they call it? you know? white house stress secretary sean sporty spicer answered questions about the new bill and gave a demonstration how much better it is. >> this plan was jammed down everybody's throat. and the consequences took their plans away. it took their doctors away. it drove up costs. this plan allows more competition, more people to enter it. our plan in far fewer pages, 123. much smaller. much bigger. look at the size. this is the democrats'. this is us. you can't get any clearer in terms of this is government, this is not. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you can't? i think you can. i really do. let me get this straight.

small hands, bad. small crowds, bad. small stack of papers, good. [ laughter ] [ applause ] it's like he's writing melissa mccarthy's script for her. no one did a more eloquent job of advocating for it than representative jason shave chaifetz for utah. >> access for lower-income meshes doesn't equal coverage. >> well, we're getting rid of the individual mandate. we're getting rid of those things people said they don't want. you know what, americans have choices. they've got to make a choice. so maybe rather than getting that new iphone that they just love and they want to spend hundreds of dollars, maybe they should invest in their own health care. >> jimmy: if i give up my phone for health insurance, how will i call 911? [ laughter ] this was an astonishing way of presenting the new plan. it makes more cents when you see it broken down in this informative video. >> with the american health care act, there are no intrusive mandates or complex regulations. get all the health care you need

simply by not buying iphones. doctor's visit? don't buy this used 16 gigabyte iphone 5. ulcer? step up to not buying the all-new iphone 7 plus. open heart surgery? easy, don't buy 380 iphones and dr. dre solo three wireless phones in rose gold. don't know how many iphones not to buy? download the handy iphone calculator app. with the american health care act, the choice to not buy iphones is yours. patients must have enough money to pay for the phones they don't buy. the american health care act. the choice is yours. "i" or die. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i see. so president trump took a break from meetings and tweeting to surprise a white house tour group. this is the first day of public tours since his inauguration. and i don't know if he's planning to do this every day. it looked like it was a lot of

fun. you see here. he popped out -- there's hillary clinton on the painting by the way. i don't know how that got to stay up. he made her watch him do this. then he delights -- see, this is what he should be doing, saying hello to people like a walmart greeter. bringing people over. he brings a little boy over. gives hail little hug. watch this, the kid, cute kid, he said he had a word with the president. he said, hey, aren't you usually at mar-a-lago right now? then he pointed at his mother. then president trump told everyone to work hard. even though they're on vacation. there you go. it's not every day you meet a reality television star in the white house, it's exciting. i don't know if you've seen this. facebook, there's a new thing on facebook now, they're trying to crack down on fake news. so facebook users are now able to flag articles they believe to be false. as disputed. you can mark it "disputed."

the idea is let people decide what is and isn't accurate. facebook is great but you know where they need this disputed? tinder. [ laughter ] you're a 29-year-old entrepreneur/personal trainer? disputed. you know, we do our show here in hollywood right in the middle of hollywood boulevard. people of all types pass by our studio every day. this is an opportunity for us, for all of us, to put our people-watching skills to the test. we went out on the street and asked pairs of people, are you a couple, siblings, or strangers? are you a couple? brother, sister? sister, sister? or strangers? and the way this works, we'll see these two people, together we'll try to guess whether they are related and how. okay? here we go. let's play. >> what's your name? >> mike. >> alisa. >> are you a couple, siblings or strangers? >> jimmy: are mike and alisa couples, siblings, strangers? i'm going to have to go through

everyone individually and get your -- okay. here we go. let's see. >> we're strangers. i think we'd be good friends. >> do you think more than good friends? >> yeah, i think, yeah. >> jimmy: i thought they were siblings too. that happened today, they've already lasted longer than half the relationships on "the bachelor." next up. >> what's your name? >> anthony. >> tiffany. >> are you guys a couple, siblings, or strangers? >> jimmy: how are -- a couple? okay. a couple of siblings? mostly couples? let's find out. >> we're a couple. >> are you sure you're a couple? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: that unbelievably awkward kiss was all the proof we need. let's see another one. >> what's your name? >> mike. >> jeff. >> are you guys a couple, siblings, or strangers? >> jimmy: what do you think? all right. this one's mixed. i'm getting a lot of "couples"

here. >> strangers. >> strangers, yeah. >> jimmy: just two buff strangers with facial hair and sunglasses dangling from their shirts. who do we have next? >> what's your name? >> mark. >> chris. >> are you guys a couple, siblings, or strangers? >> jimmy: wow, everyone says strangers. okay. let's see. mark and chris? >> we're siblings. >> siblings. >> jimmy: i'm going to need a dna test on that one. i'm guessing their parents are more worried about one of them than the other. who is your next pedestrian pair? >> what's your name? >> lisa. >> phil. >> are you guys a couple, siblings, or strangers? >> jimmy: six guys are yelling siblings out there. let's see. >> we're strangers. just met each other. >> where do you feel it's going? >> probably in opposite directions on the street. >> right.

>> jimmy: all right, they can't all be love connections, i guess. one more. >> what's your name? >> andy. >> texum. >> are you a couple, siblings or strangers? >> andy and jackson, like the president. they are? >> couple. >> are you sure? >> jimmy: there may be some trouble in paradise happening there. all right. thanks for playing, everybody. that was "couples, siblings or strangers." it's a really great game. it's played at home. [ applause ] walk around your neighborhood and play it. this is exciting. every once in a great while we come across a clip that has it all. great music, undiscovered talent, a performance that fills you with pride in the country you love. and this is just that clip. ♪

>> jimmy: that is a chicken playing "america the beautiful" on a keyboard. the chicken is joku. we tracked her down in germantown, maryland. [ cheers and applause ] when we come back, hear the music from joku, the chicken, live. we'll be right back with that. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ alright, how's this for a tv show. sous chef. lawyer by day, prep-cook by night. also, his name is sous. no. sloppy joseph. a middle-aged man who's trying to get his life together, but he can't - he's to sloppy. huhhh - no! here you go. i got this. i get cash back so it's like everything's on sale. with the blue cash everyday card from american express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. everything's on sale! a home shopping show takes place on a sailboat. that's the one! banana boat dessert on me. look at you being all lactose tolerant. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express.

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>> jimmy: hello, everyone, welcome back to the show. jessica alba, doug benson, and music from leann rimes is coming. first, there is a pizza war raging right now. the world is divided. not just over politics. this war is over whether or not

pineapple should be eaten on pizza. social media for some reason has been ablaze with people weighing in on this subject. which seems to have started with this, someone on twitter named nuevo guac wrote, retweet to ruin a pineapple on pizza hater's timeline. i have no idea what it means. i read it 14 times today. it has been retweeted more than 120,000 times. people started commenting on this. this went all the way up to the prime minister of canada, for real. apparently a canadian invented the pineapple pizza. how embarrassed should hawaii be by that? they don't even grow pineapples in canada. the hawaiian pizza was worn in ontario in the mid '60s which i guess is why prime minister justin trudeau embarrassed himself by writing this. i have a pineapple, i have a pizza, and i stand behind this delicious southwestern ontario creation, #teampineapple. okay. just nobody up there is allowed to make fun of donald trump

anymore. pineapples do not belong on pizza. i don't care where you're from. [ cheers and applause ] any pizza with pineapple wasn't a good pizza. this guy booing, i want him not only thrown out, i want him beaten up in the parking lot! >> guillermo: all right, sure. >> jimmy: not yet, give it a minute. it's not even a pizza, it's a pizza-colata. anyone else in this audience likes -- you do? [ cheers and applause ] well, you know what? we're going to have to set the place on fire and start over again. [ laughter ] here's another weird pizza thing going on online. fortunately people are much less divided on this one. a few days ago a 20-year-old woman from dallas posted this. okay. none of you better defend this. [ laughter ] she's dunking pizza in milk. which sparked mostly outrage.

but some people actually voiced their approval of this repugnant abomination. after that pineapple pizza, this milk with pizza is the wave. listen, i get that it's funny and it's weird, it's fun to make people mad. but milk with pizza? pizza in milk is not the wave. pizza does not go in milk. i don't want people eating pizza with milk on the side. once you turn 15, stop drinking milk altogether, it's not for you. [ laughter ] people who dip pizza into milk, these are the people we should be deporting. [ laughter ] leave the mexicans alone. [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: right, jimmy! >> jimmy: thank you. all right, so before the break, those of you in our studio audience, our audience at home, had the chance to witness something truly miraculous. a chicken that plays piano. unaided. she puts beak to key and makes some of the most beautiful poultry-powered music the world has ever heard, i think. that was on video. the true test of chicken

greatness is how well a hen can perform under pressure. we're going to find out tonight. it's time for a special barn yard edition of "can they do it live?" [ cheers and applause ] as you see here, this is joku the chicken. now she pays tribute to the universe itself with a song, a song your children know, here is joku with her rendition of the classic "twinkle twinkle little star." ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: any time now. [ laughter ] joku? joku? joku's on us, i guess. oh -- ♪ i think joku's -- oh -- ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. and that's just -- it's not over yet. that was just the warmup. ladies and gentlemen, here she is with her big hit single, the reason she's here with us tonight, feel free to join joku in song as she honors our nation with the great anthem written by katherine lee bates, "america the beautiful." joku, please. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. oh, here we go. ♪

♪ ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: intermission? [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: wow. i'm actually tearing up right now. this is so beautiful. [ laughter ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: i think that's enough, right, everybody? [ cheers and applause ] that is unbelievable. joku the chicken. wow. that was truly beautiful. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] oh my goodness. oh my goodness, she laid an egg! she laid a red, white and blue egg! it's incredible, it's a miracle. joku, thank you on behalf of our nation. thank you very much. wow. what a show we have for you tonight. music from leann rimes, doug benson is here, and we'll be right back with jessica alba. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by oreo cookies. join the oreo dunk challenge by sharing your dunk for a chance to win.

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>> jimmy: hi, there. tonight, from the brand-new comedy central show called "the high court," doug ben seven is here. doug has a show on which he smokes pot, and makes binding

legal decisions. just like judge wapner used to do. may he rest in peace. then, her latest album is called "remnants," leann rimes from the mercedes-benz stage. tomorrow night, brie larson and kal penn will join us, and we'll have music from spoon. and on thursday, tom hiddleston, gillian jacobs, and sam jay. hey, i'll tell you something. there aren't many guests with the allure and charisma to follow a keyboard-playing chicken, but our first guest has a little something they call "it." she's an actress and the founder of the honest company and honest beauty, please welcome jessica alba. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: good to see you, you look fantastic. how is your life? everything all right? >> my life is pretty great. >> jimmy: did you get to meet the chicken backstage? joku? >> i'm not like a chicken per. >> jimmy: you're not?

>> i'm not really a bird person. >> jimmy: when you say that, what do you mean by that? like you wouldn't -- you'd never own a bird? >> i would never own a bird, a. b, i kind of feel like they should just be out in the world. and not like in a cage. >> jimmy: well, that chicken not in a cable, that chicken is on the road playing gigs. [ laughter ] so, you know. >> that's true. >> jimmy: we should all be so lucky. and half the audience who don't get to sleep on a bed, they sleep on the floor. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i want to ask you, you posted a clip on instagram, i think. and, well, before -- i know you know what the clip is. explain what the lead-up to this happening. this just is something that happened. this is not a setup. >> yeah, okay. so on the weekends my friends and i hang out. and we sometimes day drink.

we're like the white wine with ice in a cup. very sophisticated. >> in a cup? >> yeah, a regular cup, we don't want our kids to know we're drinking. you know? >> jimmy: kids never notice that stuff. >> mom, are you drinking? no, what are you talking about? so we're over there hanging out. it's a new house. so we were like, you know, looking at the hood and like who are your neighbors and trying to gossip about who's in the neighborhood. because she has like some like famous people. >> jimmy: i see, okay. >> and then i was thinking about getting this car. so i was like, do you want to see it and tell me like how like -- i don't like a mom car, it's kind of a mom car. they're big me the read on how mom car it is. so we go outside. and the cop drives by. a cop car. and then they back up. and i was like, oh, no. like we have alcohol, like are we going to get in trouble? >> jimmy: right, yeah. cops don't fall for that cup

thing. [ laughter ] >> i was like, oh, no. i was like, this is not a good look, a bunch of drunk moms. middle of the day. >> jimmy: so the video, the police officer gets out of the car. >> so he was like, oh, no, i backed up because i wanted to show you that i have you on my arm. >> jimmy: had you on his arm. >> so i was like, can i see it? then he said, yeah, but then he had to stop and take all things off. >> jimmy: he's wearing a bullet-proof flack jacket. >> he was wearing all the things and took it all off. >> jimmy: did you find this flattering? >> i mean, yeah! >> jimmy: yeah. >> i don't know, that's pretty cool. >> jimmy: who are the other people? who are your neighbors here on the arm? >> i have no idea. i was like, is this ex-girlfriends? what's happening? like what kind of -- what's the vibe? >> jimmy: yeah, right. because this is a guy with weapons in his trunk. >> yeah. and in other places. >> jimmy: are you sure he was just driving by? is it possible that --

>> he was like totally bugged out. he was like, oh my god. like is it you? he got it, you know, when he was in college. >> jimmy: was he at all embarrassed that he had you on his arm? >> he couldn't talk. he was a little bit nervous. >> jimmy: i would think so, yeah. >> he wasn't drawing that much. he was like sweating. >> you're in the shower with him, he's washing you. [ laughter ] >> i've been there for all those moments, i guess. >> jimmy: how long ago did you start your company, the honest company? >> five years. >> jimmy: five years ago. now it's worth like over a billion dollars? >> no. >> jimmy: that's what they say. here's how i know it's successful is they have it at costco. that's to me my measure of success. >> yes. >> jimmy: if they have something at costco, that means it hit the big-time. >> that was actually our first retail partner was costco. so we launched online. then we have some great retail partners and costco is one of them. nordstrom, target, we're launling vru and cvs. >> jimmy: it's all over the place now. did you ever imagine that your

life would take a turn where now you have to manage this big company? >> no idea. >> jimmy: did you want to do this? when you were a kid did you want to be a magnate of some kind? was that in your plan? >> nope. >> jimmy: have you ever even had like a job? because i remember you were on that -- [ laughter ] like 15 years old or something. >> i had a regular job once. >> jimmy: what was it? >> before the honest company. i was 10. 10, 11. and i used to -- i dressed up as a clown. and i would hold signs to get people to go see like condos. new condos. >> jimmy: wow. so you've had experience in business. >> yeah, i was like [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: how long did you do that job? >> it was pretty much the only way i could make money. my parents were like, you're not going to make money doing chores. doing chores is part of living your life in our house. so the only outside opportunity to make money was my uncle john. >> jimmy: your uncle. >> and he was like, i'll give you 20 bucks for the whole day,

110 degrees in riverside. to bring attention to my like new condo building or whatever. >> jimmy: yeah, really. see, that's where you want the police to pull up. >> right, right? >> jimmy: something's wrong here, and uncle john -- >> every time we'd get heat stroke, my brother and i, we'd drink castle coolers and funions and barf on the way home. worst job ever but it was my only opportunity to make money. >> jimmy: this is like the beginning of a t.e.d. talk, it really is. we'll take a break and be right back with jessica alba after this! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ grown man now. i don't want to pry... dad. but have you made a decision? i'm going with the $1000 in cash back. my son... ...a cash man. dad, are you crying? nah, just something in my eye. the volkswagen 3 and easy event... ...where you can choose one of three

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>> jimmy: we are back with jessica alba. she's a business mogul. really. who knows how much money you have. [ bleep ]. it's incredible how much money you have. >> everything's in the company. what are you talking about? i deal maybe one day you could become president of the united states with the way this stuff works, you know what i'm saying? [ cheers and applause ] buy a few hotels, one thing leads to another. >> you never know. >> jimmy: you got will.i.am to

do the music for your commercials. how did that happen? >> will and i doing this tv show for apple called "planet of the apps." it's basically a businessmen forship tv show for app developers. it's me, will, gwyneth paltrow, gary van der chuck. and so i was sitting -- my chair was next to will's doing the whole, you know, voting or bidding for these apps. i got to know him. and i was like, i'm doing my first branded campaign for the honest company, you're such a great brander and marketer, can i show it to you? and he saw it. and he was like, they're great but -- there's no -- like they can be a million different brands that make this, you need one like jingle at the end. with your brand. so if someone knows it's the honest company. wouldn't it be great if you had one piece of music that like tied them all together? so people know it's your company? >> jimmy: right. >> and it's an original piece.

and i was like, that sounds expensive. and as much as you are teasing me about having a lot of money, we really don't. >> jimmy: oh, that's what you told will? [ laughter ] >> no, we really don't. we're a tiny, small little company. >> jimmy: right. it's in costco and cvs -- >> no, but that's -- you know, it costs a lot -- >> jimmy: save the b.s. for will.i.am because it doesn't like on j.i.m. over here, but go on. >> so anyway. >> jimmy: will's about getting paid. >> i was like, that sounds expensive and we're still a scrappy little company. you know, i couldn't afford that. and he was like, oh, yeah, i'm not for sale, you wouldn't be able to afford it anyway, i want to help you because i believe in the honest company and i love what you're doing. and i was like, but it's like real work -- it's like real work to like score a bunch of -- there's 15 spots and all this stuff. and he was like, oh, yeah, i'll do it. and you know what, i have this

orchestra and these people that i know, they come in, we can do some orchestra stuff. >> jimmy: he has an orchestra? this is the will.i.am from black eyed peas? [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah. same guy. >> jimmy: the one i know who's been here? >> yeah, same guy, same guy. >> jimmy: wow. >> i walked in and i was like, are you really into it? and he said, yeah. and then so we created this branded campaign together. and you know, usually as an actress the only time you collaborate is when you're on set and you're working with a director and the actors and da da da. i never knew as a business person i would be able to collaborate. >> jimmy: you tricked will.i.am into doing free jingles for you. [ applause ] who knows who she will trick next? the honest company and honest beauty, jessica alba, our next president. [ cheers and applause ] be right back with doug benson!

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>> jimmy: hi, there. still to come, music from leann rimes. our next guest is a very funny man whose work can be seen through a thick curtain of smoke and funyun dust. his new tv court show "the high

court," airs weeknights at midnight on comedy central. please welcome doug benson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i don't want to get off on the wrong foot but are you wearing -- as a judge you're not supposed to wear the gown or whatever around. >> it's amazing is things you can get, though. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah, like front of the line at disneyland. it's pretty awesome. i got to vote faster than everybody else today. because i showed up in my judge outfit. i think i voted to make weed still legal. >> jimmy: there were two measures. >> there were two measures. the measures are so confusing. does yes mean no or yes? >> jimmy: it's confusing. especially because you appear to be completely high out of your mind right now. yes? >> right now? oh, jimmy, not on your show, are you kidding me?

i'm a professional. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did you smoke before you voted? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you did. >> because -- all those little circles fill in. you've got to punch the thing there. a lady had a dog. the dog was all over the place. it was different than last november. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> kind of a weak turnout. >> jimmy: you just got back from a cruise too, right? >> i did, i did. the 311. the very popular band with people who like the same things i like. >> jimmy: i see, yeah, right. >> and we -- [ laughter ] we went down -- that's right, back row. [ laughter ] we went down to cozumel. and back. from out of tampa. so that's, you know -- that's always a great way to start a cruise, get the hell out of tampa. [ laughter ] i'm teasing, tampa. order! odor in the court! it's a lot of fun.

because it's -- you know, it's a boat full of people that all enjoy the same band. and it's just a nonstop party. >> jimmy: is it? >> it's just an amazing four nights. >> jimmy: is it a good comedy crowd for you? >> also the ship, when it's rocking, if everyone smokes a bunch of weed, that's good for nausea. >> jimmy: that is. >> so nobody gets sick. >> jimmy: so that's the overall theme -- >> everybody was like, i feel i should get sick. >> jimmy: there's no cops or anything on the boat -- >> there might have been. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> i didn't notice any. >> jimmy: does the buffet get hit particularly hard with all those people there? >> the buffet is crazy. when you go into the buffet and leave the buffet, they have employees of the cruise line standing there with a bottle of disinfectant. like a spray bottle of purell. they say, washy washy! and you hold your hands out and they spray your hands, rub your hands together. then they go, happy happy! >> jimmy: really. >> yeah, it's a whole -- it's a

whole thing. >> jimmy: is this to prevent legion near's geets? >> sometimes when you're high you forget to fist bump everybody. it's nice to have freshly clean hands. >> wow. that sounds great. >> especially at the buffet. >> jimmy: this show, were you high when you came up with the idea for this show? >> i was high when someone told me the idea for this show. >> jimmy: i see. and they thought of you. >> and i said yes. >> jimmy: gotcha. >> i could adjudicate like anybody. just because i'm high doesn't mean my moral stance changes. >> right. now you hear the case. then you go in -- adjourn to your quarters. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: and you smoke with -- you have a different comedian there as your bailiff each time. >> we dlieliberate. which means we sit there and do a bunch of bong rips. >> you come back, these are real cases. >> these are real people with real problems! >> jimmy: you come out and tell them -- >> nobody cares more about them than i do.

because weed is a very empathetic drug. >> jimmy: is that right? >> i think so. >> jimmy: it makes you more compassionate? >> i feel bad when i was deciding that someone owed someone else a lot of money. because they fell asleep on their couch with a joint in their mouth and may or may not have burnt that couch. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: then burnt the couch. not only the -- >> i don't know, they could be liars. >> jimmy: there are many cases that have nothing to do with that. >> nothing to do with pot. i had a guy look after my dog, now i want it back, and he fell in love with my dog so he wants to keep it. >> right. >> the guy was absolutely convinced that the dog loved him and so was the original owner. so we just put the dog down on the ground. let the dog decide. >> jimmy: like a sitcom. >> like life, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: spoiler, who did the dog go to in the old or new owner? >> the dog went immediately to the old owner. >> jimmy: oh, really. >> to the very, very sadness --

the guy who didn't get the dog was extremely sad about it. >> jimmy: i would think so. >> he was convinced the dog would come to him. because he'd been feeding it for a few weeks. probably at the bottom of a well with some lotion. i'm not saying he was creepy, jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah. wow. this is some idea for a show. i mean, i think people are going to be very surprised when they see this. >> i think so. >> jimmy: i haven't seen anybody just smoking pot on tv before. >> not real pot. it's always the fake stuff. it's always -- they're always making themselves sick onner on laying go. >> jimmy: you have the real stuff. >> i smoke the real stuff, then i go on cruise ships -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you have it all figured out. i don't think you should -- can you smoke out of that gavel? maybe that would be a nice thing. >> we have one that's been customized. for me to smoke out of. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you've got it all figured out. >> i'm being professional here tonight on network television. >> jimmy: thank you so much, on

behalf of the disney corporation, we thank you very much. doug benson, everybody! "the high court" weeknights at midnight on comedy central. be right back with leann rimes! >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. has crazy low prices. do you know how we do it? - how? - bargainomics! say, if california has a bumper crop and produces too many oranges. or a winemaker in sonoma suddenly has 1000 bottles too many. we've got name-brand, top-quality groceries priced 40-70% off every day. bargainomics. that's our business model. and our business model is... delicious.

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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank jessica alba, doug benson, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next but first this is her album called "remnants," here with the song "long live love," leann rimes! ♪ ♪ i was tired of choking so i took your noose off my neck i got bored of ♪ ♪ lying face down so i wouldn't have to see you i got sick of crawling so you could be a big man ♪ ♪ i got tired of my balls being cut off 'cause you didn't have none you had a good run yeah ♪ ♪ didn't ya didn't ya

didn't ya babe ♪ ♪ now it's ashes to ashes and dust to dust so long live love i ain't ever given up on it ♪ ♪ long live love won't be long ♪ ♪ until i rise up long live love i ain't ever given up on it long ♪ ♪ live love won't be long until i rise up and i'll rise up ♪ ♪ so long live love love long live love ♪ ♪ long live love long live long live ♪ gonna wash your dirt off 'til i'm spankin' clean 'cause the real deal baby ♪ ♪ he's gonna look good on me i forgive myself ooh ooh ♪ ♪ for all the time i wasted on you if i learned anything baby i learned ♪ ♪ what a man ain't to do you had a good run yeah didn't ya didn't ya ♪ ♪ didn't ya didn't ya babe

now it's ashes to ashes and dust to dust ♪ ♪ so long live love i ain't ever given up on it long live love won't be long ♪ ♪ until i rise up long live love i ain't ever given up on it long live love ♪ ♪ won't be long until i rise up and i'll rise up so long live love ♪ ♪ long live love yeah long ♪ ♪ live love long live ♪ ♪ love yeah long live love ♪ ♪ love long live love long live ♪ ♪ love long live long live long live love ♪ ♪ love long live love long live ♪ ♪ love long live long live long live love ♪ ♪ i believe i believe i believe ♪ i believe i believe i believe long ♪ ♪ live love i believe i believe ♪

♪ love long live love i ain't ever given up on it ♪ ♪ long live love won't be long until i rise up long live love ♪ ♪ i ain't ever given up on it long live love won't be long ♪ ♪ until i rise up and i'll rise up so long live love love ♪ ♪ long live love long live love ♪ ♪ long live long live long live love love ♪ ♪ long live long live love i believe ♪ ♪ i believe i believe long long ♪ ♪ long live i believe i believe i believe ♪ ♪ long long long live i believe ♪ ♪ i believe long long long live ♪ ♪ i believe in love i believe i believe i believe ♪ ♪ long long live long live love ♪ ♪

this is "nightline." >> tonight, a teenager held for years on rikers island. >> i'm a mess. >> never tried, never convicted. driven to despair by solitary confinement. later taking his own life. now a rallying cry for justice in jay-z's powerful new documentary "time: the khalif crowder story." >> this is not like one case that happened, this is happening a lot. plus tween idol. ♪ at just 11 years old, maddie zoeggeler went from twirling on "dance moms" to starring in all the greatest music videos. racking up billions of views. >> the first time i showed her, she cried. ever since w