"jimmy kimmel >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, tom hiddleston, gillian jacobs, judge james, this week in unnecessary censorship, and comedian sam jay! and now, no need to worry, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to the show, i'm jimmy. thanks for watching, thanks for coming. very nice. welcome to one and all, we have visitors tonight from near and far. i thought we might start the show with a little bit of

geography. do you like geography? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so here's a map of the united states. it's the most sexually diseased states. now, as a general rule, the state with the most stds is traditionally whichever state where "the bachelor" is shooting, but not in this case. california finished 16th, which is better than i thought we would do. you know, charlie sheen lives here. but the number one most sexually diseased state, is fortunately, not attached to us. it is right there, alaska. [ applause ] and the reason they have the most stds in alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you're wearing mittens? [ laughter ] guillermo, you're wearing mittens. >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: you have a condom in your hands. give it a try. to give you an idea of how

difficult this is. even practiced in this, this afternoon, right? >> yeah. can i use my teeth? yeah, you can use anything, but don't bite into the you, you know. i don't want to have to heimlich you here. so you can see what i'm saying. are you still working on that? >> yeah. >> jimmy: when you get it open, put it on and we'll see how it looks. >> all right, sure. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: the most, i don't know if you can see, but the top state for std-free is new hampshire. congratulations to new hampshire, followed by west virginia, maine, and vermont. vermont is 47. they're really making the most of this. vermont, they're even using these new stats to help boost tourism. ♪ vermont ♪ it's the place to be if you don't want to get an std ♪

♪ and it won't hurt when you pee ♪ ♪ vermont ♪ come to vermont ♪ we'd love to see you ♪ we won't give you herpes or gonorrhea ♪ ♪ just maple syrup and lots of skiing ♪ ♪ no blood in your times when you pee ♪ >> we have low rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and even crabs. ♪ ♪ make vermont your destination ♪ ♪ when you pee here, there's no burning sensation ♪ ♪ vermont, we're vt, not vd >> i'm bernie sanders and i approved this message. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's the only burn i feel. anyway, it's funny, but it's a serious thing. and the center for disease

control reminds you, still the best way of contracting an std is to get really into dungeons and dragons in high school. you get that thing open yet, guillermo? >> not yet. >> jimmy: president trump is working to drum up support from republicans for the obamacare replacement they've been working on. tonight he invited a hundred of them to come bowling at the white house. for real, it's a pizza and bowling night, part of what they're calling the president's charm offensive. he can be very charming and very offensive. so he puts those together. unfortunately, the white house bowling alley only has two lanes, so i don't know how much bowling will happen. bowling is a traditional activity for the president of the united states. it goes all the way back to harry truman. there's richard nixon. president clinton bowling. president bush throwing the ball. president obama all bowling in suits and ties. the really take-away here, they need to design a presidential

bowling shirt, you know, with a spare force one on it, a team logo. [ laughter and applause ] oh, thank you. thank you. trump has made it known that he doesn't want the new health care bill called trumpcare, the president is a humble man, he doesn't like to put his name on things. and paul ryan, the speaker of the house said this, the reason obamacare doesn't work, is because it makes healthy people pay for the care of sick people. isn't that how all insurance works? my car is fun, iine, i'm not pa for the people who got in an accident. it's like saying the lottery doesn't work because only one person hits the jackpot. anyway, last night, the president and first lady had dinner with ted cruz and his wife heidi, which that must have been -- after all the lyin' ted

and -- you know how the government could make some money, put it on pay-per-view. i would gladly pay a hundred dollars to watch donald trump and ted cruz eat dinner together. it would be the best episode of celebrity wife swap ever. you remember melania trump, the model who is locked in the tower and talks bilike borat? 52% of americans have a favorable opinion, men more than women. men base it on google image search results. if there's one thing donald trump loves, it's people with better ratings than him, he's not going to tolerate that. in addition to my work as a talk show host and hairstylist, i'm also a beloved tv judge. from time to time i hear cases with my trusty bailiff, who has given up. real litigants put their

disputes in very good hands, these hands, the man known as judge james. >> this is the plaintiff, scott davies. he rented a private one-bedroom apartment from the defendant, only to discover on moving day that the unit was merely a living room. he's suing for $1,400. this is the defendant, daniel devore. he maintains the plaintiff was aware of the living arrangement, but changed his mind. it's the case of the justice of the lease. >> raise your right hand. >> what you are about to witness is real. the participants are not actors. they're actual litigants with a case pending in civil courts. both parties have agreed to drop their claims to have their case decided here by judge james. >> you can be seated. >> you can sit down. the lady has been swear this. >> very good.

before we begin, i'd like to congratulate you, guillermo. guillermo has been named bailiff of the month. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, thank you. >> okay, all right. scott davies, you are suing daniel devore, for $1400, the amount you paid to rent a room, and later you discovered it was just a living room, correct? >> yes, your honor. >> mr. devore, you say he just changed his mind, and he decided to sue. >> that's correct. >> mr. davies, let's start with you. >> i found the craig's list ad, i don't know which one he gave you. you'll see there, it doesn't say den at all. it says private room. i met him at his office, gave him wish. he gave me the keys and immediately i went to the

building, they only got me into the living room. so i called him and said, i think you forgot a key. he basically started to manipulate the situation, telling me, that's the space i rented, and if i'm not familiar with the laws in california, if you give somebody cash for a room in california, that's the room you're getting. >> mr. devore, what happened? >> i had two ads going at the same time, and it wasn't a living room. it was a den and a private room. one was $695, one was $895. he's just showing you the one ad. >> do you have the other ad? >> believe it or not, i do not have the other ad. >> there you go. that's the only ad, sir. >> you know, little brother, you better give me a second while i'm speaking. >> i've been listening to you all day. >> we got two rooms, campbell's a witness. >> come on, big brother, you're not organized. >> listen, little brother -- >> do you guys think of each other as brothers? >> well, he calls me brother. >> like you said, you had to

call your mom that night. >> i'm a big mama's boy. i'm not afraid to admit it. >> i love your mom too. >> i bet you do. [ laughter ] >> what is this you're showing me? it's all black. >> that's the ad i ran for $695. >> why can't i read it? >> you're sweating there. >> order in the court. >> yes. >> tell him to quiet down, looks like a little terrier running around the court. >> shut up, fat boy. >> come over here and tell me to shut up. >> hold on real quickly, you are no longer bailiff of the month. you can't let this go on. >> did he move in, campbell? >> he did move in. >> he stayed the night. >> so you are living in the house now? >> yes, sir, i am. >> are you in any danger?

>> i hope not, your honor. >> campbell, are you currently under the influence of marijuana? >> say something, campbell. >> campbell, say something! >> help me out here, man. >> campbell, are you going to do anything? >> say anything, campbell! are you alive? what the frik? >> jimmy: seen more personality in a can of soup. all right, i'm going to go to my chambers and maybe have a snack and then i will come back and rule on this case. >> will judge james side with little brother or big brother? will guillermo have to say adios to his best bailiff award? and is campbell, mmm, mmm, wasted? when we return. >> jimmy: we'll take a break, when we come back, the

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight on the show, gillian jacobs is here, comedian sam jay is on the way. first i want to wish happy birthday to barbie the doll, she turned 58 today. 58 years old. old enough that we should probably start calling her by her real name, barbara. sadly barbie didn't get the one thing she wanted today, which is for ken to have genitals. still having trouble with that over there? >> yes. >> jimmy: i like that you're

still working on it. >> i want to open it. >> jimmy: you'll get it open. let's go back to the courtroom for the shocking and legally binding conclusion to judge james. >> this mistreated mama's boy said he received the run-around. this loud-mouth landlord disagrees, and this red-eyed witness thinks it's all a dream. judge james is about to rule. let's listen. >> be seated. it's a good thing you guys don't live together, because you really don't get along. i think you can understand, mr. devore, that without the ad, you really don't have any evidence. i will say, my primary concern here is for the welfare of campbell. campbell, are you here under duress? >> no. >> do you know what duress means? >> i do. >> i have reviewed the evidence, i rule in favor of the

plaintiff, in the amount of $1,378.68 minus one night's stay in mr. devore's den. arrest everyone. [ laughter and applause ] >> all right, judge james has rendered his verdict. both sides came out clean. let's talk to the defendant. how you doing? >> good, how are you? >> judge said you failed to present evidence of a previous ad. >> well, he rented it, but sorry we couldn't show judge james what he needed to see. >> campbell, earlier you said you were not under duress. you want to blink twice if you're in trouble? [ laughter ] all right, we'll take that up with the authorities. on the next judge james -- >> what is the purpose of this meditati meditation shrine? >> to meditate on. >> you're very picky for a guy

who doesn't button his shirt, i'll tell you that. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: one more thing, it's thursday night, time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week, whether they need it or not. it's this week in unnecessary censorship. >> three days after an explosive claim by president trump that president obama bleep his [ bleep ] during the campaign. >> i have lost hope completely and my mind is closed. this presidency is fake and [ bleep ]. your thoughts? >> i know you always [ bleep ] me, but do you ever [ bleep ]? >> never, ever. >> it's not the fire in your belly, you have to have the pleep ble bleat bleat in your throat. >> just to swallow so much. >> i want to [ bleep ] president trump. i want to [ bleep ] vice president pence. and i want to [ bleep ]. >> good to see you.

are you going to [ bleep ] this weekend? >> that would be no. >> i had barbecue with your mom. >> so have i. >> i [ bleep ] your dog, bro. >> i [ bleep ] your dog. >> i've had so many [ bleep ]. it's hearda to keep track of all 135 of them. and counting. >> jimmy: happy birthday, barbie. guillermo? >> what! >> jimmy: guillermo? i appreciate you trying to open it, but the moment has passed. if this would have happened in bed -- >> if i were in bed, i wouldn't have all this -- >> jimmy: you don't wear mittens when you're make love? >> no way! >> jimmy: the things you learn. tonight on the show, gillian jacobs is here, comedian sam jay is here,and we'll be right back with tom hiddleston.

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jack: the cheese, plus hot and salty fries and a refreshing drink for jack: just $4.99. yup, i took the combo and made it a bigger jack: deal. like how ben franklin made flying kites a bigger deal. jack: or how astronauts made a sunday drive a bigger deal. jack: or how egyptians made triangles a bigger deal. sfx: back-up warning beep jack: so, if you want to go big, you know where to go. jack: nice ride. jack: my $4.99 double jack combo. jack: only at jack in the box. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight, from the very funny show "love," which can be binge-watched or consumed in

moderation on netflix, gillian jacobs is here. then, she is a comedian, you can see her live may 18th through the 20th at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas, sam jay is here. next week, we have a great show next week. next week, "bachelor" nick and his mystery bride to be, or not, on monday night after the finale. dax shepard will be here, matthew perry, tim allen, milo ventimiglia, michael pena, chef thomas keller, paul shaffer featuring jenny lewis and shaggy. we will have mash-up monday music from ok go, and the go go's, and our announcer dicky barrett brings boston to los angeles as the mighty mighty boft -- bostones. dicky, are you ready? >> dicky: i'd better phone the lads. >> jimmy: you better. and i have to practice on my clarinet. and cleto, i looked at the

notes, and they were too high. very low masculine notes, okay? >> yes. >> jimmy: okay, very good. our first guest tonight -- still in the jacket? >> yeah, it's cold. >> jimmy: our first guest tonight is the god of thunder's brother, who is about to share a screen with the world's most famous giant primate, "kong: skull island" opens in theaters tomorrow. please welcome tom hiddleston! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you look very nice. >> so do you, sir. >> jimmy: so you had the big kong premiere last night across the street. >> right across the street. >> jimmy: did you stay and watch the movie with the audience? >> did i. first time i've seen it with a big crowd. >> jimmy: that was your first

time? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and that's fun, isn't it? >> especially a film like this, which is a roller coaster ride, and you get to hear people jump and gasp and throw popcorn in the air. it's really fun. you don't get that on set. >> jimmy: you know this, i don't know if people know this, but a lot of times the actors when they go to the premiere, they pretend to be going to the movie and then they sneak out the back door and they don't see their movie and i never understand that, because that's supposed to be -- that's the point of doing the movie. >> that's true. to turn up and watch it. >> jimmy: you had a premiere in mexico last week? >> last weekend. it was great. >> jimmy: this is interesting. i want to ask you about this. here you are in [ laughter ] did you travel with the sombrero, or was that something that was given to you when you got to mexico? >> no, so there was a big premiere and thousands of fans who turned out to say hi. and then in the middle of on the red carpet, somebody just

reached across and handed me this sombrero, which i thought was a huge honor. >> jimmy: and you just said, hey, i'm going to put it on. >> yeah. and then, i worked with guillermo dell toro. >> jimmy: oh, yes. >> from crimson peak, and they love him. and then they sang me a song. guillermo, can you help me out? they sang me this song called -- >> jimmy: who did? >> the mexican fans. i put the sombrero on and they all started singing. it's called -- sbrk speaking in spanish ]. >> yes. >> do you know what that >> yes. it's the night sky. we can sing it together if you want. >> jimmy: oh, that would be beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] >> i don't know the words. >> jimmy: this should be lovely. >> i don't know the words to this.

♪ >> is that the tune? >> no, that's the way -- >> jimmy: that's as close as he gets. [ singing in ♪ >> jimmy: guillermo, you gotta sing into the microphone. [ laughter ] that's kind of why it's there. oh, forget it. go back over there. [ applause ] >> you practice next time. >> we will. i have something to tell you in spanish. [ speaking spanish ]. >> exacta. muy trabajo. >> which is, i haven't forgotten the gorilla suit. [ laughter ] because the last time i was here, i was in a gorilla suit. >> jimmy: you're gorilla-themed

in general. is king kong a gorilla or an ape? >> i don't know that actually. people say he's an ape. >> jimmy: yeah, they do say ape. >> i called him a monkey once and it didn't go down well on twitter. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, people get very specific about that sort of thing. they love when you're wrong. do you speak other languages? your spanish was shaky. [ laughter ] >> i speak a little french. >> jimmy: oh, do you? okay. >> but only because i've worked there a lot. >> jimmy: i see. >> so i studied it a bit in school. >> jimmy: did you go to boarding school? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's not such a big thing here, boarding school. if you're bad, you go to boarding school here. your parents have had enough of you. >> maybe the same is true in the uk and i just didn't know. >> jimmy: was it an all-boys school? >> yeah, it was. it was kinda mixed and then it was all boys in the teenage years. >> jimmy: i see. just when you want it to not be all boys.

>> yeah. i always say boarding school is like a mixture of harry potter and the great escape. >> jimmy: okay. >> without the magic or the second world war. >> jimmy: but broomsticks. >> plenty of broomsticks. but the friends i made are close to this day. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> because you're lumped in there together and you try to think of crazy things to do. i remember, i was 8 or 9, and you're in dormitories of ten boys. and you're all kids. so it's like, what are we going to do tonight? we're going to dorm raid. which means, you get your pillows, after lights out, get the pillow at the end of the case, make it a kind of club, and go and start a huge pillow fight with the next door dormitory, and the winner is determined by how many pillows you destroy. basically. >> jimmy: i see. you want to destroy your own pillow? >> you just want there to be feathers everywhere and -- >> jimmy: bleeding? >> preferably. you never forget those. >> jimmy: boys are the worst.

you shouldn't put a bunch of 8, 9-year-old boys together. it turns into "lord of the flies" immediately. right? >> kind of a "kong: skull island." >> jimmy: we're going to take a break and we'll see a clip when we come back. tom hiddleston is here. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [hello moto] snap on a jbl speaker. put a 70" screen on a wall. get a 10x optical zoom. get excited world [hello moto] moto is here. the moto z with moto mods. get a moto z play droid for only $10/month. no trade-in required.

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♪ [ speaking foreign language ] >> now there's a man worth talking to. >> jimmy: that is tom in "kong: skull island." why wouldn't you want everyone to witness that? if i had shot anything like that, i'd watch it on a continuous loop. >> people coming into their

house, would you like a cup of tea, and -- >> jimmy: and yeah, hey, there's me, look at that. so you guys shot that in hawaii, australia, brie larson was here last night. >> why have a weekend when you can have a breekend? >> jimmy: you went on them? >> yes. we went go-carting and i'm terrible at it. just really slow. >> jimmy: that surprises me. >> safety first. >> jimmy: a lot of that is you have to get a good car. you have to scout the cars before. >> well, maybe. one thing i did, i learned to surf. >> jimmy: in hawaii? >> i'd never been surfing before, and i was like, if you go to hawaii for nine weeks, i should learn how to speak. >> jimmy: did you get up? >> i did. >> jimmy: did you have a guy teaching you? >> i did, yeah. >> jimmy: did it make you feel like a child?

[ laughter ] >> just being taught how to do stuff. >> jimmy: learning things at a certain age, it's a little bit emasculating. >> that's true. >> jimmy: did he hold your back and stuff like that? >> well, the most emasculating and humiliating aspect of it, because it's all about the paddling, as anyone surfing will know. you're paddling away and you get up on the board, and you're over joyed, and you're like, did i get the paddling right? i was behind you giving you a push. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they put a wax figure of you in madame tussaud's wax museum. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what do you think about it? i think it's a very good likeness of you. do you feel -- >> in this particular form, it looks a little small. >> jimmy: this is not actual size, tom.

>> i mean, look, it's amazing. >> jimmy: it is crazy, right? >> i haven't come face-to-face with it. >> jimmy: oh, you haven't seen it in real life? >> no. >> jimmy: you gotta get this for your house when they're done with it. >> i feel like it's "back to the future" when marty mcfly comes face-to-face with the other version of him from another time. >> jimmy: what's wrong with that? call the pizza guy and that would be hilarious. >> just leave him standing up. maybe i can get the kong head as well. >> jimmy: yeah, you could have the whole museum for yourself. >> when i became an actor, i never thought that's something that would happen. >> jimmy: and it did. >> there must be a wax work of you. >> jimmy: i am my own wax figure. >> you're now an animator, there's like a cog in your -- >> jimmy: yes, i'm at home right now sleeping. [ laughter ] tom hiddleston! "kong - skull island" opens in theaters tomorrow. we'll be right back with gillian jacobs.

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welcome back. you know our next guest from "community," from "girls," and now she has her own it's called "love," season two is available now on netflix. please say hello to gillian jacobs! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm doing well. i heard you just had a foot surgery. but you seem to be -- your speed is good. you're wearing heels. >> i was practicing masking my slight limp for you tonight. >> jimmy: do you mask a limp, or do you exacerbate the limp? because sometimes it's fun to go with it. >> if i had more panache as a person, i feel like i could exaggerate it, but i'm kind of a dorko i have to mask. >> jimmy: you were on crutches for a while? >> i was on crutches.

>> jimmy: what happened, exactly? >> i discovered a lump underneath my toe. and because i watch a lot of dr. pimple popper online -- >> jimmy: yes, i watch that. >> he's really great. i knew it was a sicyst because was mobile under the skin. >> jimmy: is that the determination? >> that means it's a cyst. so i went to the podiatrist and i said, i think i have a cyst because it's mobile under the skin. and they looked at me. and i'm like, is that right? actually it is. he said you have to have surgery. and then he said, you also have a bunion and it's time for you to get custom orthotics. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> it's been coming my whole life. my mother and my grandmother, if you saw their feet, you knew it's coming. my poor mother, i say such

terrible things about her on talk shows, but she doesn't have great feet. >> jimmy: what's true is true. >> i'm so sorry, mom, i've done it once again. >> jimmy: do people ask her to see the feet? >> now they will. the last time i was here, you showed a video of me harassing my mother and asking her why she named me gillian and not jillian. and people say, i saw you on jimmy kimmel, but i only showed one of her eyes in my video, like she was my hostage. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you inherited the feet, it's her fault. >> i get to make fun of her on national television. >> jimmy: so they're okay now? >> they're fine. >> jimmy: what kind of orthotic shoes are you going to get? because they have some really nice ones. >> really? >> jimmy: have you seen the ones that are mauve with a big velcro flop that goes over them. you could start a thing. >> he gave me a list of two

shoes that i should buy. >> jimmy: that's not a list by the way. that's two. >> a shoe and an option. i googled them, i showed them to my boyfriend, and he's like, i can't, i can't. it's out. >> jimmy: what are you going to do? >> i think i might get the clogs that chefs wear. have you seen those? >> jimmy: yeah, that's a good idea. >> you wear them? >> when i'm cooking. but nobody likes them. it's not like, hey, that looks cool. what's going on, oh, i use them when i cook. >> chef keller looks good in them. >> jimmy: he has crocs. >> it's not that dire. >> jimmy: if it does, maybe amputa amputate, that's probably the best way to go. second season of your show comes out at like midnight. which is perfect because my wife and i just finished watching the entire first season last

weekend. i enjoy watching it. you play a character who has a lot of issues, maybe not problems. problems. >> problems. let's -- >> jimmy: go through some of her problems. >> all right, let's. she's an alcoholic. >> jimmy: yes. >> she's a drug addict. she has poor impulse control. she is a slacker at work, and she's a sex and love addict. is that enough? >> jimmy: she also has maybe rage issues as well. >> definitely. i tip a lot of things over in the second season. >> jimmy: oh, in the second season? >> oh, yeah. i think at one point i knock over a rack of children's tuxedos. so a lot to look forward to. >> jimmy: and who is your co-star in this show? >> paul west, who is also one of the crete creators of this show. >> jimmy: he's a nerd. >> yes. >> jimmy: like a full-out nerd. i was telling one of the nerds who work in the office, this guy paul is such a nerd that our nerd could play him in the movie version of paul's life.

like he's more of a nerd than regular nerds. >> he's a super nerd. >> jimmy: he's a super nerd. he's very funny. i feel like i've just insulted him now. >> he's not here. it's okay, paul. >> jimmy: paul and your mother are going to be upset after this show. >> paul and my mother are enraged. >> jimmy: and you don't drink or anything? >> never in my entire life. i've never had a drop of alcohol. never done a drug in my life. when i had this surgery, it was a minor surgery, i came out and the nurse was like, here's your oxycontin. and i'm like, i've never even had a vicodin, i can't take this. she was like, take it, it's fine. i'm like, this is how problems start. >> jimmy: did you take it? >> no, i'm holding. some of my friends were way too excited about this. >> jimmy: right now, somebody's kicking in your front door at home. >> i think i gotta flush it for everyone's sake.

>> jimmy: maybe not flush it. because, you know, then it's in the water. >> i never thought about that. the fish are going to get so hi. >> jimmy: throw it in the gold fish bowl. it's very good to see you. the show is very fun. season two of "love" is available right now on netflix, gillian jacobs, everybody! we'll be right back with sam jay. greg said, ok it is time to tell you something. dad, i'm not gay i'm transgender. that's as confused as i've ever been. if your parents don't get you and think you're weird, i love you and want you to be exactly who you want you to be. having gigi happy, is more important than me having old greg. i wanted to be the real me.

♪ ♪ ♪

>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. our next guest is a very funny person who you can see performing at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas may 18th through the 20th. please welcome sam jay! >> yeah. what is going on, guys? man, this is truly amazing, dude. they have a room back there for me, my name is on the door. i took a bunch of poses in front of it for instagram. bunch of hash tags, like step up, get your money together. feeling good. i got a hundred likes on the pictures, so this doesn't really matter right now. this could go either way. [ laughter and applause ] that's where i'm at, be yourself, live in your moment,

embrace your stereotypes. stop being people that shun stereotypes. they're the best thing. they can help you, man, if you play them up right. like people think black people are hostile. i use that to my advantage all the time. i ride the bus and the train, i blast music out my headphones, i look left and right real crazy while i do it. i bark every once in a while. no white people sit next to me for miles on the bus or the train. it's the most peaceful ride of my life, because i don't got to deal with your boogie boats and sail boards, silly stuff you bring on public transportation. it's 3:00 in the morning, is that a canoe? what is this dude doing? we think all asians know karate. if you don't know, asianman, throw up a leg, get out a jam. white women, you guys cry and get whatever you want. beautiful. it's so dope. i wish people cared when i cried. i do it more often.

no one cares, man. because as a black woman, i'm still doing that oppression, we shall overcome cry, where you get all stiff and the one tear rolls down. and you don't know if she's holding in a fart or crying. when white women cry y'all break down, your bodies go limp, your hair goes everywhere. it's like, she needs help, right here! it's amazing, dude. because when you embrace your thing, you can use it to help other people. that's the beauty of it. i was at a comedy festival, hanging out with my home boy, because he's a man, i look like a man, we're both black. and we smell like weed. we were smoking weed, okay? so i'm trying to hide it. dunking and dodging security. this white lady walked up, she said, i would love to smoke with you, i would even like a cigaret cigarette to mask the smell, if you would let me. >> i feel like we acquired white woman shield. you invisible to cops, security

folks and otherwise nosey white folks. [ laughter and applause ] thank you. and that's where we're at, man. we want to be a better country. i was on the cruise when i found out trump was the president. we were in the bahamas. and people were like, we're never coming back! and i'm like, that's not how cruises work. but it was a boat divided. as soon as the election results came in, there were people that were happy, i understood. people that were sad, i understood. but there was one lady that was confused, she was missipissing off. how could this happen in america? we were ready for a white woman president. i was like, really? a year ago we weren't even ready for female ghost busters. and that's not even a real job. i don't know how ready we were, lady.

chill out. [ laughter and applause ] but i think as liberals, we should have been better, we should have been nicer to old white men. i'm saying it. nicer to old white dudes. we been a bully to old white dudes. we can't accept the win. we won, even with trump, there's gluten-free every applebee's. we won. it's over. hey, old white dude, hey, you dummy, you were bad to blacks, you were bad to gays, and you were bad to women. you smoked on planes. now guys are going to kiss guys on the street and bacon kills you. shut up, i don't want to hear your thoughts. but white people contributed to society. not just the bad. slavery, bad. everything they did to black people after slavery, bad. but airplanes, dope! airplanes are undeniably cool,

man. that's a white guy way of thinking. white guys got this weird need to dominate and dominate huge. only a white guy looked in the sky, saw a bird and was like, i should be able to do that, why not me? hey, y'all have been [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: sam jay! i'd like to thank my guests and apologize to matt damon. nig "nightline" is next. goodnight! ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

♪ this is "nightline." tonight, killer on the loose. a small indiana town shocked by the murder of two teen girls. >> this horrible crime has torn a whole in our families that will never heal. >> a possible suspect's image and voice caught on camera in the victims' final moments. >> down the hill. >> reporter: and 400 miles away, an eerie coincidence. >> everything just started coming back to me. >> could two double homicides have been carried out by the same man? plus, pandora rocks. james cameron guiding us through the new avatar theme park. >> that's when you know you're in an alien world. >> where you can fly on the back of a banshee, and eat and drink