all right that's our report. appreciate your time. i'm dan . jimmy kimmel live to like to wish a happy birthday to chainz. >> from hollywood, it's jimmy kimmel live. tonight, michael keaton, van jones, and music from lone bellow. and now we should also mention, here's jimmy kimmel! hi, everybody. thank you for watching.

[ cheers and applause ] we have a lot to get to tonight some of the very silly things happened since we saw each other last. first an important health announcement. pay attention to. this sitting for long periods of time, even if you regularly work out, run or whatever, sitting is a primary cause of pre mature death. this is a big problem, well, if you look around, we have like 200 people here. the only one standing up is me. by the end of the show, you will all be dead from sitting. and i don't know what i'm going to do about. this i love sitting. i really do. however many years sitting cuts off your life, i feel lying it's worth it. i sat last night and watched football games. you know, the chargers celebrated their first game as a -- really? i just find it hard to believe. that's all. they lost to the broncos last

night. the vikings beat the saints in minnesota. the highlight from that game happened after the game. the former saints coach turned analyst jim mora cammed week one off in a very lively way. >> let's get back to our crew in minneapolis. the later it gets, the less patient coach gets with fletcher ander shariff. >> he just said, the later it gets, the less patient you get. >> tell scott he's full of -- bleep. >> we're live. it's okay. that was live. that was live. let's just move past it. okay. let's just move past it. >> are you serious? >> yes. we're serious. let's hear from -- >> no need to apologize. he loved it. thank you, jim. [ cheers and applause ]

hillary clinton's new book came out today. it is called what happened. that's not a joke. that's what it is called. this is why hillary lost. a real president doesn't write books. they write tweets. according to the description on amazon -- it's going on get worse than that so settle in. they say this is her most personal memoir yet ochblt hillary clinton would have to specify that her memoir is personal. it's a memoir. the book is 512 pages long. that's the adult version. she also put out a version for kids. a children's book. this is it. would you like me to read it? it is call loser the pooh. can i get some music or something? ♪ >> once upon a time not too far ago, november 9, to be precise. piglet was skipping through woods when he happened the on lizzy the pooh eating a giant

jar of feelings. what's wrong? i was supposed to be the first pooh president. i had been preparing for this since i was a cub. all the polls had me winning. so how did you lose, questioned piglet. well, i was better prepared in the debates, i had years of foreign policy experience as secretary of state and i won the popular vote in a land slide. i'll lost, said piglet. that's great. yes, but i never hosted a reality show or put my name on vodka or grabbed a heffula by the woozle. and she let out a big sigh and stared into the distance. well, at least i'll never have to deal with that loud orange lunatic ever again. and suddenly out of nowhere, she heard a loud noise. it was a loud orange lunatic. oh, no, moaned piglet. who, who, i will going on make america tho great again it will

be ridicerlous. and eeyore is going to pay for it. the end. meanwhile in washington, congratulations are in order for hope hicks who today game new white house communications director. she replaces anthony skairm who returned to his former job harassing waitresses at hooters. hicks is now the third white house communications director in less than eight months. trump goes through them like he goes through buckets of kfc. just one after the other. tomorrow night, the form he white house press secretary sean spicer will be here. i want to get his take on this. senator ted cruz, did you see why he is in the news? last night his personal twitter account, liked a hard core porn

video. for real. has the screen grab of the post he liked from an account called sexual posts. it was from a had gen reference named stepmom porn. as he family values guy. iffon he had done something this perverted he during the campaign, he might be president right now.during the campaign, he might be president right now. this is especially funny because he is the one who had a law banning sex toys. so he is a lot of fun. the post was up a long time. it figured a long time to figure it out. according to the spokeswoman, the tweet has been removed he is and being punished for being a very naughty boy but i have to say i love this stuff. let's go through the possibilities of how the could have happened. i have four theories. up in one, someone on his staff was browsing porn on twitter and accidentally liked it. number,two his twitter account was hacked. number three, ted himself was

looking at the porn. his wife heidi fwlaukd and he accidentally hit the like button while he was trying get his pants zipped up. or number four, ted lost the presidential election. he's been bullied by trump. he didn't get a are cabinet position. he is tired of being the up tight person from texas. screw it. i watch porn in public right now. this is who i am. so senator cruz this morning claimed that an aide with access to his account was responsible and that this happened inad vert endly. >> it was a staffing issue. and it was inadvertent. it was a mistake, not a deliberate axle. >> is this person going to be terminated or discipline in the any way? >> we're dealing with iter internally. but it was a mistake. it was not malicious. >> will this person continue to have access to your social media? >> that is still being

discussed. >> is this person you? because that sounds suspicious. i really honestly don't think it was ted cruz. i don't think ted cruz looks at porn. i think he masturbates to poor r people without health care. but you know, some of his supporters are concerned this has become a big story. they're so concerned, one of his super pacs release ad new ad today that i think makes it very clear where ted cruz stands on adult entertainment. >> ted cruz is hard at work for the people of texas. yet the liberal media is so desperate to undermine him they're claiming he liked a porn video on twitter. for those who question ted cruz' character, we ask you, does this look like a man who watches porn on his phone? >> do you know what? let's go ahead and use another

picture. >> is this the face of a man who masturbates -- wait, wait, hang on. get the other. >> do you really believe this froins educated man is so unaware of how to indulge his sexual urngs in a healthy way, he memorized the nail of a twitter porn handle so he could come back later and watch the videos without following the account itself? no. you don't. because it's not true. ted cruz. never masturbates. for america. i'm ted cruz and i touched myself last night. >> what? oh, my goodness. that's -- [applause] >> you know what? ted cruz porn name is? it's ted cruz. we're going to take a break. when we come back, i'll tell but the new iphone in the way you've never heard a new iphone explained to you before. so stick around.

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welcome back. michael keaton, van jones and music from the lone bellow. last night i shared a clip from a sign language interpreter for governor rick scott over the weekend warning residents about hurricane irma. the interpreter's nail is sam harris. in case you haven't yet seen his work, he's the guy on the right of the screen. >> have you ever watched how a storm works? it flows in fast, very fast. then it flows out. you will not survive thought storm surge.

this is a life threatening situation. if you've been ordered to evacuate, you need leave now. do not wait. evacuate. not tonight, not in an hour, you need to go right now. >> so last night we showed that clip and we asked if anyone knew sam. and sure enough, someone did. we got in touch and with us in our audience tonight, all the way from palm harbor, florida, say hello to sam harris and his wife sherry. [ applause ] sam, i thought it might be fun, come on up. i thought it might be fun to have sam help with the monologue tonight. so i'll go ahead with the monologue and just sign it up like crazy, okay? are you ready? here we go. apple today, that's the company, not the fruit, by the way, apple today held a big announcement event where they unveiled three

new iphones. the iphone 8, the 8 plus and the special ten-year anniversary edition of the iphone, the iphone 10 which goes for $999. they could have charged $1,000 but they said you know what? let's give our loyal fans a break. okay. there we go. the iphone 10 comes with everything the iphone has but it also includes an amazing new feature that takes $300 more out of your account. i have a feeling i'll be out of a job at the end of this. people are raving about it. it has a faster processor, glass, on the front and back. so there's literally no way to drop it without breaking some part of the phone. the biggest innovation for the iphone 10 is it can recognize faces. which, that will be a problem in los angeles. we change our faces every three weeks or so.

i don't know -- honestly, i don't know if i want a phone recognizes my face. i need a phone that recognizes other people's faces. like i go to a party, i'm like, hey, josh, mine drop. good to see you. it comes out september 22nd. the 10 comes out november 3rd. the feature i'm wondering about is, this is something i noticed the other day when i was downloading an app. i'm sitting there. i'll be honest, i was on the toilet and the download stopped right there. okay? and that's when i realize that had when the app is about, i don't know, a sixth of the way downloaded, it looks like hitler. you see what i mean? it has the hair, it's aid. on h-- adolf hitler on my phone. i showed it to my wife.

i'll be damned if it doesn't look like hitler. let's look at i one more time. that's hitler right there. i don't know why i would see this and no one else does. i found no mention of this online. i googled it. to test it we went out on the screen today. we showed people a screen grab to see if anyone else saw what i saw. >> who does this look like? >> i don't see anybody. >> a person. >> god help us. >> it doesn't look like known to me. >> donald trump. some floppy hair like over the top on of the. >> jack in the box. >> patrick swayze. >> the robot from star wars. >> oh, it looks like the dude

from operation. you know the game operation? >> who does this look like? >> sylvester stallone? >> i can see that. >> hugh hefner? >> that could be the hair. and -- >> who does this look like? >> i don't know it. >> take a look. look long and hard. >> like hitler maybe. >> right! >> jimmy: that's right. it changes. what this? that's hitler. see, we finally learned something on the show. hitler? okay. good. i don't know am i more delighted? guillermo, did you know that? maybe one day hitler sign will

mean guillermo instead. wouldn't that be quite an honor? >> that would be perfect. >> jimmy: all right. thank you, sam, for interim rhetting that nonsense. tonight over show we have music from the lone bellow, van jones is here. we'll be right back with michael keaton. ♪ sfx: t-mobile mnemonic sfx: t-mobile mnemonic sfx: t-mobile mnemonic

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>> jimmy: hi there, welcome back to the show. tonight, he is an author, van jones is here and then new album is called walk into a storm. it comes out friday. the lone bellow from the mercedes-benz state. a little insight into television. these albums are empty. and they don't even make albums nip. tomorrow night we have, what a great guest, the u.s. open worker sloan stevens will be with us, music from 21 savage and sean spicer in his first television interview since being released from kaicht so please join us for that. and then on thursday, stephen colbert, music from dustin lynch. please join us for all of.

. first first guest tonight is one of the best actors we have. we have a lot of them. his new action thriller is called american assassin, it opens in theaters friday. please welcome michael keaton. [ cheers and applause ] welcome! >> how are you? >> jimmy: good. how are you doing? >> i'm all right. >> jimmy: was it work or a fishing trip? >> called dumbo.

>> jimmy: was it animated? >> mostly. yeah. some version of that. i'm not sure how it is working. >> jimmy: who plays dumbo? >> me. i play dumbo. >> jimmy: did you see spiderman? >> yes. i was spiderman. i just showed up for working. >> jimmy: it is and confusing. you were batman. not spiderman. you were not birdman. you were not easternman as far as i know. >> eye not sure who i am. >> jimmy: thank goodness we have imd. so you were with tim burton. >> in london. to see you. >> jimmy: to see me. >> partially.

and promote this movie and i want to say something about that in a minute. i had a little window there and my friends and i do this trip every year. we fish in british columbia, an extraordinary place. >> jimmy: you go fly fishing for -- >> steel head. it is a salmon that spends time in the ocean and then hands down, this is the greatest. >> jimmy: this is the fish that lives in the salt and the fresh water. >> yes of the. >> jimmy: it does not limit itself to one type of water. >> it is very open minded. >> jimmy: it swings both ways. and then you try catch it. >> yes. >> jimmy: and we were fairly successful. i want to show you something and tell you how much i love you, to show you this. this will prove how much i love you and what i had to do to go o

through. before i show this -- >> jimmy: beautiful comic timing. you shot this. >> and i'm flying it. no. >> jimmy: that's awesome. that is beautiful. >> check this out. all these fish are through here. isn't that awesome >> jimmy: you can see the fish? >> no. i can't see the fish. >> jimmy: i don't know. >> so now we're out in the ocean. so all the way up here, there was a rain storm and it was very, it was very dangerous. and i was -- >> jimmy: was it very dangerous? >> yes. and i was risking my life to be here. >> jimmy: to do this. >> no. to be here. >> jimmy: to get in the helicopter. >> yes. otherwise i am out there. >> jimmy: i appreciate it but don't ever risk your life to be

here. >> can i take two seconds? hyping the movie and everything. we have to take a second. i was watching this guy do the sign language which is hysterical and it makes us think about how unbelievably lucky we are, fortunate we are, we have to think about those folks in texas and all those people in the keys and florida. >> jimmy: the bahamas, the caribbean. it is funny to be talking about my little trip when folks don't have it so good.>it is funny tot my little trip when folks don't have it so good.>it is funny to about my little trip when folks don't have it so good. it is fu about my little trip when folks don't have it so good. all of us are thinking about you you a of >> jimmy: you don't have to feel guilty for going on a trip. >> i don't? >> jimmy: no. it's all right. i should call you a lot. should i feel guilty about this. >> jimmy: the answer will be no to everything. >> are you sure? >> jimmy: yes of the you play dumbo. unbelievable. who is playing dumbo?

is a person playing dumbo? >> yes. >> jimmy: gauillermo, how did yu not get part? you're so cute and round. you would be perfect. dinero is playing dumbo. >> jimmy: i would believe it. not robert deniro. dave deniro. a lot of great actors. it is really, honestly, so fun to be working on this film. but i'm in scenes with danny devito who i've known for a long time, from batman returns. [ cheers and applause ] >> and allan arkin. >> jimmy: he's great. and danny devito is great too. >> yeah. have you ever worked allan before? >> no.

but i got a call out of the blue once. i had been since i don't know how long, a giant allan fan. out of the blue i get a call from him. i get on the phone and i'm thinking, gee, hi, he's kind of, how are you? talking and i'm going, i'm thinking, why is he calling me? i'm trying to be polite and having this conversation. he's going on for like seven minutes. we're talking about stuff. and i'll thinking i love arkin. i'm not sure why he's calling me though. then i started to get suspicious. >> jimmy: why? >> because i think, this ain't allan arkin. be kevin pollack does the best allan arken. and somehow he found out that i was a big fan and he got my

number and he called me. and i mean like dude, it was like ten minutes. hey! >> jimmy: hysterical. >> it was awesome. unbelievable. >> jimmy: did you think it was funny? >> oh, yeah. i'm trying to act like such a jerk. i had like 90 questions the in-laws alone. oh, yeah. oh, yeah, it was a great experience. >> jimmy: maybe kevin pollack is the one who liked the ted cruz twitter. >> what was it, they're handling it side? >> jimmy: they said it was a staffing issue. >> then they were hanning internally. the only person handling it internally was the would on the bed. the only person. ♪ >> jimmy: michael keaton is here. he's been in the woods, everybody. we'll be right back.

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>> you thought so?

>> nobody turned up? >> are you going to turn it off? >> am i supposed to feel sorry for you? >> never, personal. >> jimmy: that's right. i always say that. i said that to one of our producers this afternoon. i choked him with -- wasn't the sail they know. it was an extension cord. >> that's pretty bad. you're really kicking ass in this movie. that's fun, right? >> so fun. you get to beat up stunt men who could totally kick your ass. you get to throw them around like you could do this.

>> jimmy: it's like a dreel you have when you're a kid. like the big kid, if he could only pretend i would beat him up. >> and i'm a grown man and i get to do it. totally ridiculous. >> jimmy: you're fishing, going around with dumbo. that kid is good too. >> he is really good. he is the new action guy. >> jimmy: he's the new teen wolf. >> okay. >> jimmy: that's a good show, teen wolf. i'm not talking about -- >> that's a good show? do you have a job where you have to say those words? >> jimmy: yeah. you know what? your kids know what's going on with teen wolf. >> sure. speaking of kids, how is that son of yours? >> jimmy: he's doing great. i told you -- he's ready to

fish, i think. >> he's cute. exactly like you. >> jimmy: irvin red letter. >> you're going to talk to him later about what's going on down in florida. he is a tremendous guy. i used to be involved with him in the children's relief fund. >> jimmy: he can help me transition into a woman? >> how great was that interpreter by the way? >> don't give his phone number out. >> no no. >> jimmy: he's working children? >> yeah. you're going to meet him. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. >> am i leaving? >> you don't to have leave but we have to bring out van jones. >> jimmy: i think i you'll like him will. >> van goes easy can of the. >> jimmy: vangogh zizi. >> eye a fan. you have to get tough. >> jimmy: we will tell him in the turnover. michael keaton.

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>> jimmy: our next guest is a best selling author, political commentator, white house staffer, as far as continuing only person ever to quote ll coo j lyrics on cnn. please welcome van jones! ♪cool j lyrics on cnn. please welcome van jones! ♪ >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. michael keaton thinks you're not tough enough but you seem pretty tough to me. >> the people on fox news are pretty tough. >> jimmy: they're very argumentative in general. is that in real life as well? >> a little bit. i think part of what's going on is the country is so divided, you can have somebody on me. i'm on the left side of pluto. okay? you ask me make america great, i will tell you it is the dreamers

working hard every day. transgender folks in the military risking their lives. muslims make america great. every muslim you know has a job or a business. i'm on the left side of pluto. but if you say one thing that isn't just smashing on republicans, then people say you're soft. i think we are almost in like a civil war at this point. >> jimmy: do you have friends who are republicans who you socialize with? >> tons. >> jimmy: are there prominent republicans? >> newt gingrich. >> jimmy: he seems like one of the worst people on the whole planet. >> he is not. this is what i'm talking about. >> jimmy: i'm just thinking him specifically. a terrible person. >> aid tv show with newt.

called cross fire. we disagreed on almost everything. >> jimmy: his cross fire was setting one on fire, right? >> no, not true, thank you. >> jimmy: i couldn't resist. >> newt taught me something which i believe the rest of the country would follow and believe. he said your 90% enemy can be your 10% friend where you agree. whenner we agreed is that the criminal justice system is totally out of control. where we agreed is the opioid problem is being handled badly. i'll fight you on 99 things but the one or two things we agree on, let's work together. and we've gone before congress to work on it together. that's what we're supposed to do. >> jimmy: newt seems like a very smart guy who says very stupid things sometimes. when my son had an operation, he

said any child with a heart situation, you can bring them into the hospital and they'll take care of then. completely ignoring follow-up care, the multiple operations, all that stuff. idiotic. >> jimmy: where we disagree, we have to fight. part of the problem is, there's life and death issues. what's happening with these dreamers, you have the dreamers. 800,000 trusted manager's government. they gave manager's government their information. they went through all the back ground checks. now america is turning on them. that's not just bad for the dreamers. that's bad for the country. so we can't be apologetic. we have to fight hard. but the one or two issues we agree on, we can work on. >> jimmy: i don't disagree with that. that's a bad precedent for americans and how we deal with other countries and everywhere across the board. you made a very generous

donation. you and your staff to children's hospital. i appreciate it. >> that statement, you've heard it a million times. the statement you made about your son changed politics. you have people now that say it doesn't neat jimmy kimmel standard yargs do it. i've heard senators say that. you've moved the country forward. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i feel like some of these senators, like bill cassidy seems to be headed in the wrong direction. he's a guy who coined that phrase and who actually promised that it would meet a certain set of criteria. and it seems like what i've seen of his plan, that none of these, it does not meet that criteria. >> democracy is not an app that you can download and hope for the best. it takes hard work. the reason i love being on cnn,

which is real news, by the way. part of the reason i love being on cnn, we get a chance to talk about stuff that really, really matters. to me, one of the things that matters, we talk about the hurricane a little bit. do you know who we left behind in the hurricane? >> jimmy: who? >> prisoners. americans are so big hearted, so passionate, we were able to evacuate animal shelters. we battened down the zoos. we air lifted dofs out, which we should do. but we left the prisoners behind. the founders said no cruel unusual punishment. if serve going to come together in a crisis, everybody should mean everybody. let's not leave anybody behind in a storm. >> jimmy: it's shocking what happened. in texas and all those people left behind. and it's easy. people say, they're criminals.

>> hey, listen, people to go jail for all kinds of reasonsful you go to jail for bouncing a check. it's not about the person who got convicted. bits the society. who are we going to be? they said no cruel and unusual punishment for a reason. it is so easy to go down that road and the british have done that. so there's stuff we agree over in america. most people in america know the criminal justice system doesn't work. most people know the opioid epidemic which is killing people across america, killed prince, i want to fight on the stuff we can fight on. >> jimmy: you might be the only person in the world who is friends with newt gingrich and prince. a hell of a dinner party. >> yeah. i don't think -- >> jimmy: as you know, i think you're great at what you do.

van jones, on cnn, fighting with people all the time. we'll be right back with music from the lone bellow. the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. vo: whenever a craving hits, vo: jack's got your back. jack: somebody craving my smoky jack burger? vo: the smoky jack burger combo for $4.99. vo: hickory-smoked bacon, smoked cheddar cheese, vo: all on an artisan poppyseed bun. vo: plus fries and a refreshing drink. vo: all for just $4.99. man: thanks, jack! jack: you're welcome. vo: the new smoky jack burger combo for just $4.99.

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the jimmy kimmel live concert series, presented by mercedes-benz of. >> jimmy: i would like to thank michael keaton. van jones. "nightline" is next, but first the new album, walk into a storm. it comes out friday. here is the song, "time's always leaving." the lone bellow! ♪ ♪ time's always leaving heading out my door saying goodbye pacing

my floor i can't seem to tell♪ ♪ her but i wish she would stay time's always leaving let her go on her way time's always leaving♪ ♪ never takes off her coat packing her bags never leaving a note seems i'm always♪ ♪ believing she'll stay for the night time's always leaving before i can tell her to stay stay i'm not through♪ ♪ with her yet i'm afraid of the morning morning and i dread the sunset time's always leaving♪ ♪ sneaking peeks at her watch always whispering sweet little lies 'bout her thoughts♪ ♪ always saying everything's gonna be alright but time and time again i give up the fight and♪

♪ tell her to stay stay i'm not through with her yet i'm afraid of the♪ ♪ morning morning and i dread the sunset oh time won't you stay you're all i've got left♪ ♪ i'm a man on my knees man on my knees begging you please begging you please♪ ♪ if you just have to leave oh take with you my regrets ♪ i slip away put the♪

♪ blame on her i slip away put the weight on her i slip away slip away♪ ♪ with her now oh i slip away put the blame on her i slip away put the weight on her♪ i slip away slip away with her now i'll tell her to stay ♪ stay i'm not through with her yet i'm afraid of the morning morning and i dread the sunset♪ ♪ oh time won't you stay you're all i've got left i'm a man on my knees man on my knees begging you please♪ ♪ begging you please

if you just have to leave oh take with you my regrets i slip away put the♪ ♪ blame on her i'll slip away with her now i slip away put the weight on her i'll slip♪ ♪ away with her now i slip away i'll slip away with her now i slip away put the♪ ♪ blame on her i'll slip away with her now i slip away put the weight on her i'll slip away with her now♪ ♪ i slip away oh oh oh i slip away put the blame on her i'll slip away with her now♪ ♪ i slip away put the weight on her i'll slip away with her now i slip away oh oh oh♪ ♪ i slip away put the blame on her i'll slip away with her now i slip away put the weight on her i'll slip♪ ♪ away with her now i slip away oh oh oh♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

this is "nightline." >> tonight -- stars align for the hand in hand hurricane relief benefit raising funds for the victims of harvey and irma. we are in the florida keys where that's the say 90% of homes have been destroyed or damaged. plus a sick life. as a glittery pop star she looked healthy. but now tlc with robin robts, opening up about her lifelong battle with a chronic disease. >> i was told i would never live past 30. >> and it's a hit. the steven king thriller scoring scary box off numbers of how hollywood f