patrick harris. hope you have a great night, we will see you tomorrow. >> neil patrick: the t from the t from the t -- >> you're on in five minutes. five minutes, thank you. >> neil patrick: okay, listen. we have all worked really hard to prepare for tonight. it hasn't been easy with a new host but i'm really pleased with where we are. i want you to go out there, have a great show, just know if any of you screw up anything and make me look bad, i will literally destroy you. okay? let's go, have fun, let's go! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live" with special guest host neil patrick harris! tonight, armie hammer, timothée chalamet, from "the crown," vanessa kirby, and reptiles and bugs with jules sylvester. and now, here's neil patrick harris!

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> neil patrick: hey, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] nice to see you. i am your guest host for the night. my name is neil patrick harris. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. you may know me from a little show called "how i met your mother." [ cheers and applause ] my current show i'm doing is, "a series of unfortunate events." [ cheers and applause ] netflix. binge it. i'm also in the upcoming movie "downsizing" with matt damon coming out on the 22nd. very exciting.

[ scattered boos ] easy, easy. if you're wondering if matt damon is as bad as jimmy says, the answer of course is yes. [ laughter ] he's garbage. [ laughter ] jimmy asked me to host for him, i immediately said yes. i thought he meant at the oscars. [ laughter ] but -- i guess it's too late to go back now. no, in all seriousness, i'm very happy to fill in for jimmy tonight. i am thrilled. his son billy's heart operation was a success. [ cheers and applause ] he is recovering very well. jimmy told me today that the respirator is out. he is eating. he is smiling. so all good news. we are sending lots of love to all the kimmels. [ cheers and applause ] billy is a brave little boy. and it's heart-wrenching, literally. and i'm so glad he's doing well. i would do anything for jimmy, i

love him and i love attention. [ laughter ] i guess i just love hosting things. i've hosted the tonys four times. [ cheers and applause ] i've hosted the emmys twice. i've hosted the oscars. i even worked part-time as a host of the applebee's in harlem. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and bt dubs, the chicken wonton tacos, are half price at happy hour. so save some money. i'm what's known in hollywood as a triple threat. i sing. i dance. and i don't sexually harass people. [ cheers and applause ] there's only one of us left. [ laughter ] all day people have been asking, neil, you're hosting a late

night show, are you going to make fun of the president? of course! [ scattered applause ] i'm required, you have to sign a thing when you come in if you're going to host, you have to make fun of the president. i'm not going to make fun of his politics. i'm not going to pick apart his policies on health care or taxes. i will let other people do that. i am, however, going to make fun of the super weird way he spoke during a press conference this morning. listen to this. >> finally i asked the leaders of the region, political and religious, israeli and palestinian, jewish and christian and muslim, to join us in the noble quest for lasting peace. thank you, god bless you, god bless israel, god bless the palestinians, and god bless the united states. thank you very much. [ laughter ] [ applause ]

>> neil patrick: is he wearing dentures? [ mumbling ] the only way that would sound weirder is if we slowed it down to make it seem like he's drunk. and with that i present tonight's edition of "drunk donald trump." [ tape slowed down ] >> god bless israel. god bless the palestinians. and god bless the united states. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> neil patrick: take it easy on the manoshevitz, dotty. oh, talking about politics, i do want to mention this video from a pennsylvania house state government committee meeting yesterday. and i think this really sums up how divided we are in this

country right now. a democrat casually touched the arm of his fellow republican committee member, then things got very uncomfortable. check it out. >> there is a better way to do this, guys. we don't have to proceed on this one. i hear ya, i understand. there's some hard feelings with -- >> president bradford, look. i'm a heterosexual, i have a wife, i love my wife, i don't like men as you might, but stop touching me. all the time. like keep your hands to yourself. like if you want to touch somebody, you have people on your side of the aisle that might like it, i don't. >> okay. chairman, chairman -- okay. we're officially off the rails. >> neil patrick: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] first of all, you don't turn gay if a gay person touches you. [ laughter ] we're not like zombies. and by the way, the guy who touched him, he isn't even gay.

he's straight. and he's married with four kids. if your issue with him is with him touching you, why are you bringing up sexual orientation? have some class. you are a state representative. and with all due respect, which is none, the only thing that you are representing with this behavior is bigoted dumb-assery. [ cheers and applause ] what else is happening? it's a tense time in l.a. as i'm sure you've seen, major brush fires happening in southern california right now. more than 80,000 acres have been burned. tens of thousands of people have been evacuated from their homes. this is what the 405 looked like this morning. the 405 freeway. you know how people say driving in l.a. is hellish? today was literally hellish. that is crazy. i see it, when you see it from a helicopter shot, but when you're looking, that is insane. so anyway, thank you to all the firefighters who are out there

right now. [ cheers and applause ] our thoughts, our prayers, are with everyone affected tonight. stay safe out there. for all of those who have been displaced by the fires and need a place to stay, guillermo says you can crash at his place. yes? >> guillermo: that's right, yeah! >> neil patrick: you're cool with that? >> guillermo: yeah, i'm cool, come to my house. i got plenty tamales for everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> neil patrick: all right. what's your address? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: 28 -- something. >> neil patrick: 2080 something? >> guillermo: yeah. >> neil patrick: put that in uber, it just takes you there. >> guillermo: it's in the valley. >> neil patrick: that's all you need to know. >> guillermo: yeah, that way. >> neil patrick: that way. hey, the holidays are fast approaching. you guys getting into the christmas spirit? [ cheers and applause ] done your shopping?

i spent the holidays the way everyone else does, i put on a nice robe, some slippers, grab a mug, a hot cocoa, and i pass the time by screaming at my servants. [ laughter ] guillermo, how many servants do you have? >> guillermo: only one. [ laughter ] >> neil patrick: what happened to the other one? >> guillermo: i don't know, they went back to mexico. [ laughter ] >> neil patrick: sorry about that. whole other story there. this is the time of year parents take their kids to the mall, put them on santa's lap, they hope that they cry to get an amazing facebook pic. you guys want to play a game? [ cheers and applause ] my segue. jimmy has a santa-related tradition at this show and i am proud to uphold it tonight. the game is this, i will show you a photo of a child freaking out. you will guess if that child is sitting on santa's lap or

getting a flu shot. ready? time to play "santa's lap or flu shot?" [ cheers and applause ] i love it. all right, here we go. look at that, look at that. sad, angry baby. what do you think? oh, wow, there's a lot of strong opinions. we're sort of divided 50/50. let's see, is it santa's lap or flu shot? santa's lap. got it? think you figured it out? let's try again. all right, we have a headband. is that pain? is that holiday trauma? all right, let's see. that was santa's lap as well. wow. oh, yeah. flu shot, oh, that's pretty unanimous. and you're right, it's a flu

shot. that's weird though. i would be crying too if everyone else was laughing at me in that shot, the parents. all right, what about this one? i love how convinced you are. but it really could be one way or the other. let's see. that was santa's lap. wow. both those kids hating on santa claus. wow. all right. oh, look at this one. flu shot? i'm getting a lot of flu shots, a few santa's laps. let's see. santa's lap. on a woman who looks like helen hunt. oh, my. oh, dear. i mean, this girl's really upset. she's passing a stone. from something that's happening. flu shot you think? no, you think santa's lap? let's see what it is. boom, you're right.

you guys are good at this game. oh, her brother looks super happy. here's our last one. flu shot or santa's lap? santa? some santas, some flu shot? let's see the answer. it's santa's lap and a flu shot. wow, wow. that's unfortunate. do they do that these days? is that how they get it to happen? all right, thanks for playing. we're going to take a break. be right back with armie hammer, don't go anywhere. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ (chris) the very first time i met bruce i saw on his lapel he's got a purple heart. (bruce) we started talking about the service. i outrank him. (chris) [laughs] yeah. meals on wheels reaches so many people. it's impactful beyond anything i've ever done in my life.

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and happy owner at leisureland estates. are you having a good time? yeah? so what do you think of my place? just wait till you see what's inside. ♪ ♪ >> jeff, you've got to stop inviting guests over without telling me. i finally just got in the tub to relax after such a busy day. first i took a tennis lesson and had a massage. >> nice. >> then after a gourmet lunch with the girls, well, we couldn't help ourselves so we popped into that new jewelry store downtown. >> oh-oh. loge? what's that going to cost me? >> neil patrick: that's me in the great new movie "downsizing" in theaters december 22nd. this is the only time a matt damon movie will ever be promoted on this show. [ laughter ] if you're just joining us, this is "jimmy kimmel live" and i am your guest host for the evening, tracee ellis ross. [ cheers and applause ]

tonight on the program, from "the crown" on netflix, vanessa kirby. [ cheers and applause ] and then, he packed his prius full of snakes and drove over here to both frighten and enlighten us. reptile expert jules sylvester is here. [ cheers and applause ] i'm told jimmy hates when they do animals segments on this show but i'm looking forward to it because i am not a gigantic baby. [ laughter ] make sure to watch the show tomorrow night as well. melissa mccarthy will be hosting with guests octavia spencer, dave franco, and hansen. so that will be fun. [ applause ] our first guest is a superb and versatile actor whom you can see in the critically acclaimed new movie "call me by your name." it's in select theaters now. please welcome armie hammer. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> neil patrick: how are you? >> i'm well, thank you very much, how are you? >> neil patrick: i'm fantastic. it is nice to have you on the show. >> it's nice to be on the show. >> neil patrick: i have one request, don't call me jimmy. >> you got it. i'm thrilled jimmy is not here. >> neil patrick: really, why? >> i've done the show a few times. i think seven times or something like that. and every time i manage to put my entire foot all the way into my mouth. >> neil patrick: really? how so? >> i -- one of the times i actually announced our child's gender. >> neil patrick: oh. >> which we were not doing. >> neil patrick: oh. >> i once also embarrassed myself by telling drunk stories about vodka. it was an issue, yeah. >> neil patrick: drunk stories about vodka? that sounds like fun. >> it was great, it was great. also they ended up sending me a case of vodka afterwards. [ laughter ] >> neil patrick: which vodka is this? >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> which camera?

ba lug ga gold line vodka. just saying. just saying. >> neil patrick: beluga gold line vodka! >> bows of us, two cases. it was a disaster. >> neil patrick: we'll try and buck the trend. speaking of your unborn daughter. daughter? is the right sex? >> they've both been born at this point. >> neil patrick: thank goodness. your daughter has a familiar name. your daughter's name, if i'm not mistaken, is harper grace. >> yes. >> neil patrick: that is my daughter's name. [ laughter ] >> do you think that's an accident? by the way -- so you had the name first. [ laughter ] this is true, this is true. >> neil patrick: it's true. our daughters have the exact first and middle name. >> and also -- >> neil patrick: what the [ bleep ], man? >> i know, i know. they also have the same initials. hammer and harris. >> neil patrick: that's true. >> so really we just stole everything, basically. [ laughter ] we went full "single white female." >> neil patrick: oh, really, what's next? >> well, you'll see. [ laughter ]

>> neil patrick: harper grace hammer. >> yep, yep. >> neil patrick: sounds like a superhero. >> it does, it does. that was like part of the reason we chose it. and we chose it before we found out what your daughter's name was. and i distinctly remember a moment where my wife was pregnant, she called me, she goes, what the [ bleep ]? to borrow your words. and i was like, what? she goes, do you know what neil patrick harris' daughter's name is? i was like -- honestly i don't. she goes, it's harper grace. i go, that's fun. she goes, that's our name! i'm like, i don't know, i'm pretty sure their daughter was born first, so maybe it's their name and we kind of usurped it, i don't know. >> neil patrick: we have had great luck with harper grace as a name. but i'm sure you have as well. >> so far, so good. >> neil patrick: it's a beautiful name. you've been working a ton, are you taking time off? have you gotten to do anything fun, relaxing? >> no, no, not really. it's been work. it's been fun. we've been kind of out promoting this movie now. >> neil patrick: you have the movie coming out.

then you also are about to do a show on broadway. am i right? >> yes. i'm so glad you mentioned this. i wanted to talk to you. i need pointers. i've never done this before. >> neil patrick: this is a big deal. tell everyone, you're making a broadway debut? >> it's true, i'm going to do a play in broadway called "straight white men." directed by anna shapiro, written by yung ji li. it's an amazing opportunity and i have no idea what i'm doing on stage. if you have any pointers or literally any advice at all. >> neil patrick: um -- act good? [ laughter ] >> that one might be tough. >> neil patrick: what is the play about? i could give you some pointers. >> i mean, it's -- it's basically about the concept of, you know, toxic masculinity and what it is to be a straight white male and the things that are expected of you from that. that whole kind of thing -- >> neil patrick: when was the last time you were on stage? >> never. literally never. >> neil patrick: you've never been on stage?

in the small little theater or anything? >> all of my training is stage based. i did the stella adler training and stuff. so i've been on stage in front of an acting class but never on stage in front of people. so -- >> neil patrick: wow. >> what do i do? >> neil patrick: i think the great thing about a play is that -- the great thing about theater is that everyone watches it and lives it from a to z all the way through. so you will get caught up in it. and the one piece of advice i would probably give is to be very careful and protective of your voice. because i've done musicals before where you have to be careful of your voice. a lot of the people go and start shouting in a play, not realizing that they need to shout almost as if they're singing, because doing that eight times a week and getting intense suddenly two months later, you're totally hoarse and you can hurt your cords. pay attention to your throat. >> that's good. >> neil patrick: there's too many jokes after saying "pay attention to your throat." [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> neil patrick: especially given your film.

"call me by your name." a clip with armie's costar timothee chalamet when we come back, stick around. we'll talk about this amazing movie. of doing things their own way. history they age every drop of jim beam twice as long as the law requires for a true kentucky straight bourbon.

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i like the way you say things. i don't know why you're always putting yourself down, though. >> so you won't, i guess? >> you really that afraid of what i think? you're making things very difficult for me. [ cheers and applause ] >> neil patrick: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm your guest host neil patrick harris here with armie hammer. our next guest recently won the gotham independent film award

for breakthrough actor co-staring alongside our first guest in "call me by your name." please welcome timothee chalamet. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> neil patrick: thanks for coming. >> hey, everyone. >> neil patrick: i'm so excited to have you both here. this movie is the number one movie that i'm dying to see. i haven't seen it. and i've heard nothing but outstanding response for it. >> oh-oh, expectation is too high already. >> neil patrick: can you tell everyone a little synopsis of it? >> sure. i'm not as good as at this as armie. tell me if yoda scribe it in a good way. "call me by your name" takes place in northern italy play a 17-year-old precocious book-smart kid whose father has a visiting graduate student come every summer this year it

happens to be armie hammer. who wouldn't fall in love with this guy right here? we fall in love. >> am i right? >> a love affair ensues. >> nailed it. >> neil patrick: i can't wait to see it and i hope everyone does. you're also in getting great notices for "lady bird," right? >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> yes, that's fine, that's all well and good, we're here to talk about "call me by your name." if you don't mind. >> he's got two big movies that are out. >> the "lady bird" contingent over there. >> neil patrick: you haven't acted much in big feature film roles until this, two gigantic roles going on. >> certainly not in lead capacities. apologies to everyone in the audience who's like, who the hell is this guy right now? >> neil patrick: are you getting recognized a lot when you go out? >> i -- no. [ laughter ] i got paparazzi'd for the first time the other day. >> neil patrick: you got paparazzi'd? >> it's a verb. how do you say it when it happens? >> [ bleep ]. normally. >> neil patrick: what does that

feel like? that must be weird. >> yeah i was like shocked. i like looked behind me. i don't know, it was super weird. yeah. >> neil patrick: coming out of a restaurant or whatever, you ate, then all of a sudden someone's out and it's as if you've done something terribly wrong. they're snapping pictures and they're aggressive. >> there was like one guy. [ laughter ] probably thought i was freddy highmore or something. [ laughter ] >> neil patrick: you're better looking. >> you can't say that on tv, no. [ laughter ] >> he's the host, he can say whatever he wants. >> neil patrick: i can today. wait, i mentioned you were named breakthrough actor of the year at the gotham independent film awards. congratulations, what was that night like? >> this is going to sound cheesy but it was one of the greatest nights of my life. and i don't know, i guess -- i went with my mom, i didn't think it was going to be the most fun

plus one but it was, it was a really great time. >> you can't say that on tv. [ laughter ] >> which camera's mom? love you, mom. >> she just turned it off, don't worry. >> yeah, she's not watching us. so -- it was like -- it was just totally surreal. i didn't realize what a big thing it was going to be. >> neil patrick: you get a speech? >> i got to give a little speech and i shouted out cardi b in my speech. >> neil patrick: cardi b? >> it was a new york event. i'm a new york guy. i felt like it was due diligence to thank any and all new york artists that inspire me. and the next day somebody had messaged her that this kid had mentioned her in a speech. and, you know, she acknowledged it. so there's an infinitesimal part of cardi b's brain that knows i exist. [ laughter ] >> she fully slid into your dms. >> neil patrick: you guys are on the press tour talking about the movie. what was it -- tell me a little

story about what it was like working with your director. he's supposed to be amazing. i heard you shot things in sequence? >> yeah. >> neil patrick: which is unique. you shot from the beginning all the way through to the end? >> yeah. >> neil patrick: was it -- you were in a little italian city. and were you kind of living the performances and the roles? >> yeah we definitely were. we were sort of like sequestered. you talk. >> a couple of exceptions there. living the roles, no, not everything, not everything. [ laughter ] all right, take a couple of seconds there to make sense, that's all right. you describe it better. >> i don't know, all i know is i went to italy thinking, i've got a cursory level of italian, this is going to be fun, i got this. we ended up going to a restaurant, i tried to order a steak in italian. and i messed it up terribly because they brought me a raw steak. i don't mean like cook it a little, it's raw in the middle. they brought me a steak that had never seen a heat source. >> neil patrick: no, no. >> straight cut from like the

muscle, a piece of steak. and i was so ashamed that i wouldn't own up to it so i just sat there and ate an entire raw steak. >> neil patrick: wow. >> yeah. >> neil patrick: when in italy. >> yep. there you go. >> eat raw steak, yes. >> neil patrick: congratulations on the movie, i cannot wait, i hope it gets great acclaim and you guys are amazing. thanks for being here. "call me by your name" is in select theaters now. armie hammer and timothée chalamet everyone! we'll be right back with vanessa kirby! [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you are a city city wall, city wall ♪ ♪ ♪ she could be dancing down a hall, dancing down a hall ♪ ♪ we're turning heads, we're turning heads, ♪ ♪ we're turning heads, oh yeah and nothing can stop us now ♪

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>> neil patrick: welcome back, everybody. i'm neil patrick harris, tonight's understudy for jimmy kimmel. our next guest plays princess margaret, the rebellious royal sister of queen elizabeth, on the golden globe-winning series "the crown." season 2 premieres december 8th on netflix. please welcome vanessa kirby. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hello. >> neil patrick: gorgeous, nice dress, that's fantastic. >> thanks, neil. >> neil patrick: we have something in common, this is my first time hosting a late-night talk show, this is your first time on a late-night talk show.

>> my first talk show ever. [ cheers and applause ] >> neil patrick: so be kind. >> my mom said, whatever you do, don't swear. [ bleep ]. so sorry. sorry, mom. >> neil patrick: where are you from? >> i'm from wimbledon, actually. >> neil patrick: are you, cool, that's fun. >> yes, tennis. americans love that. i like never go. i can hear it from my house, though. i can hear the scores and stuff. i'm hopeless -- >> neil patrick: you don't play? >> my dad gave up. i play like that. gave up on me a long time ago. he said it was like a flying frying pan. i never got past the frying pan. >> neil patrick: what is the frying pan? you're not supposed to use a frying pan. >> it's a move. i only went up. i'm not coordinated at all. >> neil patrick: no? >> no. >> neil patrick: was your dad a tennis player? >> he is. you know what his team's called? he's quite proud of it. it's called the old peculiars. >> neil patrick: the old peculiars? >> i've never met them but i have a vision of them. my dad is very embarrassing. >> neil patrick: he's embarrassing? >> yeah, he's an embarrassing dad. >> neil patrick: embarrassing

dad? how so? i want to hear these stories. >> well -- [ laughter ] he's a urologist. right? so he kind of looks at that all day. >> neil patrick: right. >> so like sunday lunches and stuff, i mean -- it was a hot topic in our house. >> neil patrick: a hot topic in my house too. [ laughter ] >> is it? yeah, it was like -- he just, you know -- yeah. so he has like license to talk about it like most of the time. >> neil patrick: about? >> it's a thing. >> neil patrick: about weiners and heehaws? >> my sister brought her first boyfriend to the house, the first thing he asked was, are you circumcised? for no reason. i mean, why? why do you need to know that? >> neil patrick: that would be awkward if you had a date and brought your date over. >> yes. it was. it was always risky. there was like a -- it was a hazardous risk. >> neil patrick: he could be a good wingman. [ laughter ] >> a very good wingman. do you know my sister and i --

he turned into a fangirl in random, spontaneous moments. like at "the crown" premiere, he fangirled the casting director for no reason, he got starstruck. he beelined for her. i'm like, dad, dad. he wants to be an actor or something. he had like one proud moment where he played marc anthony and he never let it go. >> neil patrick: maybe he just wanted to see her penis. >> do you? [ laughter ] >> neil patrick: so wait a second. yes. [ laughter ] >> it's out now. i did it, i did it. >> neil patrick: you are currently working in production on "mission impossible 6." >> i am, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> neil patrick: that's exciting. so are you engaged to tom cruise? [ laughter ] isn't that how it works? >> i move very fast. yeah.

no, it was -- i'd met him once. there was rumors that i was engaged to him. >> neil patrick: i was kidding, you're serious? >> oh, yeah, did you not know that? >> neil patrick: no. >> that's so weird. neil. yeah, no. they came up like -- yeah. >> neil patrick: you're not engaged? >> no, no. no, i have a boyfriend. he got all the cousins, are you okay? do you need to come over? i think they thought i'd run off with tom cruise. >> neil patrick: what's it like working on a big movie like that? is it super fun? >> yeah, it's amazing. it's different. tom is so nice. knows everyone's name. i forget everyone's. really bad. but he's -- yeah he's lovely. >> neil patrick: how is "the crown"? it's a magnificent show and you're wonderful on it. [ cheers and applause ] are you filming that at the same time? are you still in the movie and the series? >> no, we're finished. they've recast all the actors now. i love margaret so much, it's too much. but i did really want to carry on.

i said, i will smoke a thousand cigarettes, i will age overnight, what do you need me to do? yeah, we hand it over to other people now. >> neil patrick: do you have a lot of people that come and talk to you about the royal family now? >> i mean -- people ask. they come up, how do you think -- how does harry feel? i'm like, [ bleep ]. >> neil patrick: how does harry feel? [ laughter ] >> i think they think we're an authority on it. sometimes it's like, well, i think he's feeling great. i think roast chicken moment was amazing for him. it's like because i play his aunt on some show, like ridiculous -- >> neil patrick: really happy with meghan. >> and they look happy, right? how cool, because margaret didn't get to marry the person that she really wanted to. >> neil patrick: what are your thoughts on meghan markle? >> not many, actually. [ laughter ] i think she's great. they're in love. that's cool, isn't it? what are your thoughts? >> neil patrick: i don't know, it seems like she's a hollywood actor person, all of a sudden she's going to be in the royal family.

she seems super nice in everything that i've seen, and he's such a lovely guy, i really hope they're happy together. but i don't have intel like you do, you're on a tv show that talks about the royals. [ laughter ] >> i have the intel. i think the show is great, you have a fantastic career ahead of you. congratulations on being on your first talk show. [ cheers and applause ] season 2 of "the crown" friday on netflix. vanessa kirby, everybody! we'll be right back with jules sylvester and his animals! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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>> neil patrick: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm your guest host neil patrick harris. the show's going pretty well so far so let's tempt fate and bring out some deadly animals.

here with snakes, spiders and so much more, please welcome reptile expert, jules sylvester. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> neil patrick: everywhere you do you bring out snakes? >> all the time, here's a present for you, have that one. >> what are these? >> deadly coral snakes. no, they're not. these what are they call sinaluan milk snakes. in the movies we make them deadly coral snakes. they look the same except the colors are reversed. red and yellow, killer. red and black, you're okay, jack. red and black, you're okay. >> neil patrick: why are they milk snakes? >> apparently somebody saw them in a field, a cowherder was stealing milk and he blamed the snakes. milk snake. he was the one that milked the snakes. i don't know if you remember "snakes on a plane." these guys were the baby snakes that came out when they pulled the airplane back and killed the captain. that's them.

[ laughter ] >> neil patrick: do you want to apologize to samuel l. jackson? [ laughter ] >> actually, there's another movie in ohio last week, working with walton goggins? really good actor. [ scattered cheers and applause ] >> very, very intense. he played the people who run around the church and pick up the certificate pets, hallelujah. >> neil patrick: i used to go to a bar called milksnake. a different type of bar. [ laughter ] >> that's just wrong, dude. >> neil patrick: oh, it was right. it was right, jules. what else do you have here? so beautiful. >> thanks, mark. can you get that from him? >> neil patrick: a pleasure. what's next? >> world's largest spider. >> neil patrick: oh! >> the goliath bird-eating spider. >> neil patrick: oh, wow. >> this comes from the amazon. what you do is get them -- that's the hardest part. >> neil patrick: what this is called? a tarantula? >> a goliath bird-eating spider. >> neil patrick: bird-eating spider? >> yeah. >> neil patrick: what is this going to accomplish? [ laughter ]

get back! >> no, boy. relax, relax, everything's fine. >> neil patrick: no! i don't like this at all. >> he's really mean. he's got fangs underneath there. stay, sit, roll over. he's trained, see? he's got fangs half an inch long. if he bites you they go right through to the bone, six pounds per square inch. >> neil patrick: if he bites me do i turn into a birdeating superhero? [ laughter ] >> you'll run screaming. i'll see if i can get him raised up a little there. i've got to turn around so the camera can see. no, no, that way, buddy. >> neil patrick: no, no, that way, buddy! [ laughter ] no, i don't like this at all! >> it's kind of fun, isn't it? >> neil patrick: no! >> i do this every day. this is real fun. let's see if i can see the fangs. >> jimmy: let's see the fangs. >> up we go. good boy. no he's not going to play the game. anyway, take my word for it -- really big fangs. we'll put him away. >> neil patrick: okay. yeah, get something nicer.

[ applause ] bird eating? >> right. these are giant scorpions. one's from china, one's from vietnam. i don't know which one is which. i don't speak the language. [ laughter ] here's what you do. put your palms up like that. palms like that. okay, whatever you do, don't scream. stay. here we go. and -- stay, sit. you are now a scorpion trainer. that's how that works. >> neil patrick: wow. [ applause ] >> they can give you a terrible pinch and a sting, really, really hurts. >> neil patrick: these would make great stocking stuffers. >> wouldn't they? once. >> neil patrick: once. why is its tail ready to strike me? >> you'll be fine. i got it there. >> neil patrick: ow! >> i don't know if you can see the -- hang on to that one, he's fine. i think that's the vietnamese one. here we are. i don't know if you can see that

close up. get my thumb behind it there. there we go, that's it right there. that thing, when they had the massive pincers. the rule of thumb is, if a scorpion's got great claws it has a light clout at the back, it means the venom is not that toxic. skinny claws, the venom is very toxic. one or the other. rule of thumb. i've never been stung but i imagine it really hurts. >> jimmy: i imagine so. >> they turn around, they can give you a good pinch. that really hurts. oh! everybody goes hah! it's really kind of funny. >> neil patrick: then they go oh! >> oh! put those up. one more beastie coming out. >> neil patrick: one more beastie coming out. oh! wow. wow. >> oh, don't trip. okay. you need to come around the front here. >> neil patrick: i want to see this, this is cool. wow. >> back, back. >> neil patrick: back, okay. are you talking to me or the

snake? >> you duck your head. all right, here we go. and he's all yours. >> jimmy: oh, my. [ cheers and applause ] >> put your hand underneath. you're a branch, you're a branch, you're a branch. >> neil patrick: like brit brit at the vmas. [ cheers and applause ] >> now this fellow is a papuan python -- he comes from new guinea. he can take you out in 15 seconds flat. >> neil patrick: maybe 20. no it's fine. it's kind of tickling downstairs. i like it. [ laughter ] >> he's about full grown. only about ten years old. he'll get another foot or two bigger than this. >> neil patrick: what does it eat? >> anything he wants, cannibalistic. keep him away from other snakes. snakes, spiders, lizards, frogs, mammals, anything he wants, he eats. >> talk show hosts?

[ laughter ] >> just the slow ones. he's got 30, 40 large, spiky teeth in there. >> neil patrick: now you tell me. >> see how he constricts? bites, punches, down you go one, two, three. count to 50. then you die. >> neil patrick: feels so strange. i kind of like it. this is awesome. >> hold him with the other hand. there you are. look at that. that's a work of art. [ cheers and applause ] >> neil patrick: thank you, jules, this is amazing. we'll be right back! hopefully i'll be alive.

>> neil patrick: that's all the time we have. i'd like to thank armie hammer, timothee chalamet, vanessa kirby, jules sylvester, and jimmy kimmel for letting me borrow his show. melissa mccarthy hosts tomorrow and stay tuned for "nightline." goodnight! [ cheers and applause ]

in tanzania, children hunted for the color of their skin. >> they think they're not human. >> victims of ignorance, greed, and superstition. their body parts sold by witch doctors on the black market. >> the attackers broke into the house and went for baracka's arm. >> from the unspooes speakable cruelty, unexpected saviors. juju chang on a journey that began eight years ago in africa with a woman risking it all to keep those persecuted safe. >> the police told me, you will be killed and we're not going to be there to protect you. >> while in america a big-hearted heroine giving them hope. >> they call you the saint of staten island. >> people shouldn't feel that you need to be a saint to do good things. >> and the doctors