[ speaking foreign language ] >> amigo! >> brother, how are you? >> are you ready to host the show, mr. shaquille o'neal? >> yes, i'm ready. >> good. >> all right, i'll see you out there. >> mr. shaquille o'neal, jimmy always give me a piggy back ride to the station. >> are you playing with me? >> no, i'm not a player. i'm a lover. >> all right, let's do it. ready? i got you. go. jump. jump! jump up! all right. >> ouch! faster. faster. >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live" with special guest host shaquille o'neal! tonight, mila kunis, from "criminal minds," aisha tyler,

and music from ty dolla $ign featuring yg. and now, here's shaquille o'neal! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> welcome to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm not jimmy kimmel. i am your guest host tonight. shaquille o'neal. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. tonight, abc goes from

"black-ish" to "shaq-ish." [ laughter ] before we get started, i have one rule tonight. if you don't laugh, i'll kick your ass. [ laughter ] got it? that goes for you too, ga-lare-mo. >> it's guillermo. >> whatever. [ laughter ] for those of you wondering where jimmy is, he's right here. [ laughter ] he was delicious. and he will be missed. [ belches ] all right. [ cheers and applause ] let's do a monologue. do you guys like impressions? that's too bad. because i don't do that. [ laughter ] hosting a late night show is a new thing for me. it's like when michael jordan decided to play baseball, except i'm going to be good at this. [ laughter and applause ] i have all the things you need to host this show.

a suit, a band, and a stupid, no-talent nemesis. jimmy has matt damon, i have charles barkley. [ laughter ] he's like a balder, fatter matt damon. [ laughter ] as you may know, i have a lot of nicknames. superman, the diesel, shaq fu, big daddy. but now that i'm a late night host, i came up with a new nickname for myself. arsenio tall. [ rim shot ] [ applause ] what about jimmy shaq-immel. [ rim shot ] i've got more. phil dona-huge. [ rim shot ] [ applause ] conan o'high-one. [ rim shot ] shaq paar. oprah win-free-throws.

[ rim shot ] anderson hooper. black say-jack. [ rim shot ] all right, that's enough. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] we're gonna have a good time tonight, but i gotta be honest, my day got off to a bad start. i woke up, had my morning bowl of fruity pebbles, and saw this messed-up story on the news. >> the oklahoma city thunder basketball team had a scare in the air. take a look at the nose cone here. something hit their flight during a recent flight and dented it. officials for delta airline think it was a bird strike. >> or shaq shooting a free-throw. [ audience moaning ] [ laughter and applause ] >> those bastards!

i'll never watch channel 5 again. [ laughter ] is everybody ready for halloween tomorrow? [ cheers and applause ] at my house we do things a little different. the trick-or-treaters have to dunk on me to get candy. "not in my house elsa!" [ laughter ] halloween candy is actually kind of a sore subject for me. they call it "fun size," but look at this. when you're my size, this isn't fun. this is bull [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] here. don't eat it all in one place. by the way, my kids are here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and, yes, all of them are over six feet tall.

today is "take your enormous children to work day." [ laughter ] we had to put them in the back row so they don't block any of the cameras. [ laughter and applause ] thanks for being here. love you guys. speaking of kids, you know how every year jimmy has parents pretend they ate all their kids' halloween candy? if you haven't seen it before, it goes like this. >> last night, we ate all your candy. >> why? >> because it was good. >> you ruined my life! >> we ate all your halloween candy. [ stomping ] >> mommy and i last night, we were watching a movie and we ate all of your candy. >> no!

>> here, step up, look at it again. all gone. >> i got really, really hungry, and i ate all your halloween candy while you were at school. >> how? >> what do you mean how? i ate it. >> i don't want to see you ever again. now go get a job. [ laughter and applause ] >> i'm sorry, but that's hilarious. well guess what, the youtube challenge is happening again this year. if you want to be a part of it, here's what you do. after your kids trick-or-treat, pretend you ate all their candy and record it. then put it on youtube with the title "hey jimmy kimmel, i told my kids i ate all their halloween candy." don't do anything stupid to put your kids in danger and look out for a message from the show. your video could be on tv later this week. how am i doing so far?

[ cheers and applause ] for me, this is super exciting. i'm halfway through my first monologue. i've already had a late night show for longer than magic johnson. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] [ double rim shot ] hey, do you guys want to see my favorite youtube video of the year? it stars a little kid who got very sleepy in a very weird place. >> johnny. [ laughter and applause ] >> we've all been there, buddy. i love that clip.

in fact, i love it so much, i bought the movie rights to that young man's story. take a look. >> based on the extraordinary true story of a baby sleeping in a toilet -- shaquille o'neal is "toilet baby." "rolling stone" raves, a powerful affirmation of the human spirit. "the new york times" writes, shaq's best performance since "kazam." and entertainment weekly said i just spent two hours watching a giant sleep in a toilet and i loved it. featuring academy award winner morgan freeman as the voice of the father. >> joey? joey, i need to use the toilet. >> paramount pictures and kohler kitchen and bath present -- >> why the [ bleep ] you wake me up? >> -- "toilet baby."

>> somebody help me out the toilet! [ toilet flushing ] [ cheers and applause ] >> your move, meryl streep. we got a great show for you tonight. aisha tyler is here. [ cheers and applause ] we have music from ty dolla sign featuring yg, and we'll be right back with mila kunis. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ my wish was a clubhouse, but we call it "the wish house." people visit national parks from all over the world. food tastes better when you don't have to cook it. he was just supposed to be my dog. i don't know why.

(vo) we're proud that, on behalf of our owners, the subaru share the love event will have donated over one hundred fifteen million dollars in just ten years. get 0% financing for 63 months on select models. plus we'll donate $250 to charity. ( ♪ )

-ahh. -the new guy. -whoa, he looks -- -he looks exactly like me. -no. -separated at birth much? we should switch name tags, and no one would know who was who. jamie, you seriously think you look like him? uh, i'm pretty good with comparisons. like how progressive helps people save money by comparing rates, even if we're not the lowest. even if we're not the lowest. whoa! wow. i mean, the outfit helps, but pretty great. look at us. wow. i mean, the outfit helps, but pretty great. oh, it's actually... sfx: (short balloon squeal) it's ver... sfx: (balloon squeals) ok can we... sfx: (balloon squeals) goodbye! oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasn't it? try lactaid, it's real milk, without that annoying lactose. good right? yeah. lactaid. the milk that doesn't mess with you. lines?an develop fine lines what lines? the chapstick total hydration collection. our advanced skin care formulas instantly smooth and transform your lips. chapstick. put your lips first.

(vo) more pokémon. more adventure. pokémon go. switch to sprint and get $100 in pokécoins free. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. ♪ little girl and boy land ♪ while you dwell within it ♪ you are ever happy there

daddy, it's christmas! ♪ childhood's joy land never let go of your dreams. the mercedes-benz winter event is back. lease the glc300 for $449 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. [ cheers and applause ] welcome back to

"jimmy kimmel live." i am your guest host shaquille o'neal. [ cheers and applause ] hey ga-lare-mo. i heard something during the commercial break. do you still have a cat? >> yeah. >> what was his name? >> kobe. [ laughter ] >> what happened to him? >> he was a very nice cat. good cat, but he died. >> i'm sorry to hear that. that's the first kobe i know that's ever passed. [ rim shot ] [ laughter and applause ] but anyway, coming up, she directed this wednesday's episode of her show "criminal minds." aisha tyler is here. [ cheers and applause ] and then, his album is called "beach house three." ty dolla sign featuring yg from the mercedes-benz outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] andy, widen out, widen out, show that hall of fame ring. [ cheers and applause ]

tomorrow night, dave grohl will be here guest hosting a big halloween show with kristen bell and alice cooper. [ cheers and applause ] on wednesday, my man crush, the beautiful, sexy channing tatum will be the host with his guests ellen degeneres and pink. [ cheers and applause ] and on thursday, your host will be jennifer lawrence with guest kim kardashian. [ cheers and applause ] but tonight, you're getting some alone time with me, baby. [ cheers and applause ] >> our first guest tonight is a big movie star even though she's only the size of my thumb. [ laughter ] starting wednesday, you can see her in the new comedy, "a bad moms christmas." please welcome the very talented mila kunis. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> what's going on! you've got some zingers tonight. >> well, thank you. >> i mean -- >> you look great. >> why, thank you. what's on your hand? >> this is my hall of fame ring. >> is it real? oh, that says yes. >> of course it's real. >> shaq, you can't wear that. that's not okay. [ laughter ] that's huge. >> i earned this. >> yeah, put it in like a safety deposit box. >> i know you're a laker fan, but are you a dodger fan too? >> uh, yeah. yeah, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] you guys, we have to rally. did you watch yesterday's game? >> no, i did not. but i heard about it. >> what's wrong with you? >> i'm a yankees fan.

[ laugh ter ] >> what do you mean, you're a yankees fan! >> i'm from new jersey. >> get him off, you guys. get out of here. >> how many dodger dogs can you eat? >> honestly? >> honestly. >> three, with the bun. >> with the bun? >> yeah, no problem. four, five, if i want to feel like [ bleep ]. but if i want to feel okay, three. >> are you loud in the stands? >> in all depends. i'm a mother. so i'm respectful of children. and if there's a child next to me, i will not yell profanities, but if there's no said child in my vicinity, yes, [ bleep ], i scream. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> now that you say that, i can remember hearing your voice at the lakers game. >> i scream so much. >> make a damn free-throw, shaq! bend your knees, shaq! hustle back on defense, shaq! >> you are really fun to watch, i gotta say. >> thank you.

so halloween is coming up. >> yes. >> you have a very important decision. do you go trick-or-treating, or do you go to game 7? >> it's not that hard of a decision. i'm going to game 7. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] here's the thing -- no, no, it's game 6, to be exact. but who's counting, clearly not a yankee fan. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] here's the great news about this, i have a 3-year-old, who has no concept of time. so we, in our neighborhood, had a huge halloween party this past saturday. so she got to go trick-or-treating, 200 kids showed up. it was like mazes and haunted houses and everything. so as far as she's concerned, she did halloween. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> do you like dressing up for halloween? >> i love it. i really do. do you want me to tell you what i went as this year? >> yes, tell me. >> this is what sucks about having a kid, because they tell

you what to do and you listen. you pick your battles and this is not one of them. i was trying to convince my daughter, don't you want to be like batman or superman, or something awesome? she's like, no, mom, i'm going to be cinderella. i'm like, ooh, gross. my kid is in a cinderella dress. beautiful, cute little thing. and i said, momma's going to be, i started naming off anything like han solo and whatever. and she's like, no, momma is elsa. i'm like, no, kid, mama's not elsa. this was six months ago. guess what momma was on saturday. >> awesome. >> momma was elsa. sucks, i had a blond wig on and everything. >> this is the last time i did halloween right here, i was a tree. [ cheers and applause ] >> is this cute? >> it's kinda cute. i don't want to say the word cute because you're giant and i'm scared, but yes, you were cute. [ laughter ] >> you saved your husband from

getting beat up. >> i did? >> yes. >> oh, no, i don't know where this is going, you guys. what did i do? >> i was a fan of his show. so when i finally meet him, let's just say it's on a friday. i said, you'll never punk me. bet $100,000. so he punks me the next day. i was so pissed, i was going to kill him. but then when i saw he was married to you, i let him go. >> he's a good guy. [ cheers and applause ] >> give him a hug and a kiss from me. >> i will, i will. i will say, he did try to punk me a couple times. prior to us being together. and he failed numerous times. so suck it, husband! [ cheers and applause ] >> so, have either of your kids ever fell asleep on the toilet? >> uh, no. i have to think about that one. i don't think so. she's maybe gotten a little sleepy. that was really funny. was this cgi or did they build a giant toilet? >> they built a giant toilet.

and it looked so nice, i told them to fedex it to my house, i'm keeping that. >> if you have to have a giant toilet, but that's crude, we're too highbrow for that conversation. >> i use a regular toilet. >> do you really? because i use a regular toilet and i'm a quarter of your size. >> i'm a big guy but i have a regular ass. [ laughter and applause ] [ rim shot ] >> you're giant. >> i know. >> what are you, seven foot? >> 7'1". >> that's tall, that's a different species of a human. [ laughter ] that's not me. go on. >> are those boots? >> thank you for noticing. yes. you guys, i am reliving my "pretty woman." >> can you stand up so we can see those? >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] this outfit, to me, reminded me

of julia roberts in "pretty woman," and i was like, this is classy. i will wear this on jimmy kimmel. and it's on hollywood boulevard, so i felt like it was most appropriate. [ applause ] >> you look awesome. more with mila kunis when we come back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ the beam family has a long history of doing things their own way. they age every drop of jim beam twice as long as the law requires for a true kentucky straight bourbon. so, four long years from now, i'll be back for this one. that's how jim beam makes history. how will you make yours? new jim beam vanilla. subtly sweet vanilla balanced with smooth jim beam bourbon. mix with cola for a cocktail that's completely in sync. resolution #1: binge more. join the un-carrier, and get four unlimited lines for only forty bucks each. plus, netflix for the whole family. on us. so, they get their shows...

let's go, girl! you're gonna love this bit! and you get yours. watch however you want. on your phone, tablet, or tv. for just forty bucks per line. with no extra charges. let's rock this joint! all on america's best unlimited network, t-mobile. ♪ is this for me? noooo! ♪ [alarm beeps] happy? wooo! ♪ let out your inner-child at the lexus december to remember sales event. lease the 2017 rx 350 for $399/month for 36 months. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. ito become dangerous.d for an everyday item new tide pods child guard pack. helps keep your laundry pacs safe and your child safer. align, press and unzip.

really? really? really? really? really? see zero in a whole new way. get zero down, zero deposit, zero first month's payment, and zero due at signing on select volkswagen models. now with the people first warranty.

if we want to do christmas our way this year, we're going to do christmas our way! >> no more perfect gifts, no more perfect decorations, no more perfect anything. >> [ bleep ] it. >> let's put the ass back in christmas. >> what? >> that didn't come out exactly as i plain planned it, but you guys know what i mean. >> we know what you meant. >> yeah, we got you. >> to taking christmas back! >> yes! [ cheers and applause ] >> welcome back. i am shaquille o'neal, subbing in for jimmy kimmel. i'm here with the lovely mila kunis.

so this movie is kind of a dirty christmas movie. can you say that stuff on tv? >> [ bleep ] yeah, you can. i mean, it's late night, so you can do anything. >> yeah, that's true. tell us about the movie. >> the movie is called "a bad moms christmas," it's a continuation of where the first one ended, which was less than a year ago because we produce fast. and the moms are met with their opposition, which happens to be their mothers. so you see our group of gals regress to being teenagers and you understand a little bit of why they are the way they are, based on who their mothers are. it's actually a beautiful story. it's funny. >> don't be mad at me, but i saw a bootleg version of the movie earlier. [ laughter ] >> of course you did. >> and i saw that you gave santa a lap dance and you cursed out kenny g. >> yeah, i did. >> were those life-long dreams of yours?

[ laughter ] >> you know what, i was so pleasantly surprised that kenny g. said yes. there's a really funny moment in the movie where kenny g. was our wish of who we could get, "somebody like kenny g." then forget it, let's go after kenny g. and i was like, if he says yes to this gag, he's my new favorite human. without spoiling anything, he has a really funny moment in the movie. he was so game for it and so awesome about it that i do applaud me some kenny g. and his good solid sense of humor. [ cheers and applause ] however, the lap dance was three in the morning in atlanta wearing coats. it was horrible. and there was like a little kid in the beginning, that ended up getting cut out. and she believes in santa because santa exists, in case there's children watching. so we had to refer to santa for 16 hours. santa, please get on your marks, santa. i'm not kidding. it's much harder than you think. >> right, i know. how old will your kids have to

be before you let them watch the movie? >> i don't know. i don't know. it's weird, because there's billboards everywhere in l.a. right now. in the billboard, i'm wearing a santa hat. my daughter has no clue what i do for a living. she thinks mommy gets hair and makeup done for a living and that's what i do. she comes to the hair and makeup trailer and she leaves. so she saw this billboard of me with a santa hat, and she's like, that's funny, why is momma wearing a santa hat? i'm like, i don't know. [ laughter ] i don't know how to explain to her what i do for a living. so i don't know when she's going to see any of my movies, because none of them are okay. [ laughter ] none of them. i clearly don't make movies for children, you guys. >> i read something very interesting. i heard that you don't buy your kids stuff for christmas? is that true? >> false. i will say this. of course i buy -- i'm not like anti-gifts. i just don't over-gift my child because --

[ gasps ] >> what did you do? what did you do? >> i'm shaq-a-claus. if you want me to get your kids some gifts -- >> no, no. [ cheers and applause ] you can go into business with shaq-a-grandparents over there and grandparents owe nally can all take care of business. she's overwhelmed with presents. are you looking at me like i'm crazy? what do you give your children? oh, no. >> everythingtheywant.com. >> you do, don't you? you do! you're such a sucker. >> i have six, three boys and three girls. they're here, they're actually up there. >> where? [ cheers and applause ] >> up there. say hi, at the top. >> those are your spoiled brats? >> yes. >> what's the last gift that y'all got? >> i don't know. >> just got a phone today. >> oh, yeah, a phone, i got it yesterday. >> i bought her an iphone yesterday. >> was your phone broken? >> yeah, the whole screen. >> that's okay, that doesn't count. that's fine.

>> she called me and i delivered in ten minutes or less. can you buy me a phone? sure. here's your phone, baby. >> does he ever say no? your kids are beautiful. they're very quiet, unlike you. [ laughter ] three boys, three girls? >> yes. three boys, three girls. >> are you guys all tall? >> yes, very tall. that's why they're sitting up top, so they don't block the cameras. [ laughter ] okay, explain to me about christmas. do you buy them birthday presents? >> no, i give them presents. i'm not anti-gifts, it's just that they get so many wonderful gifts from my family and my husband's family, that he and i give literally one present. and i know that story got taken out of control, like no presents for my daughter! my son is 11 months old, so he gets boob and he's fine. [ laughter ] [ applause ] that's right, boobs, we got them. i said boobs. >> okay. [ laughter ]

i have a great gift idea for your daughter. >> no. >> here it is. >> hello, i've been waiting for your call. >> i have so much to tell you. >> let's share secrets. >> wait until you see my new hat. >> i just love to go shopping. >> i do too! >> that's great. >> can i talk to her? >> do you like pizza? >> so much. >> yeah. i have something to tell you. >> what? >> i love you. >> i love you. >> batteries not included. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, my god, i hate you, first of all, but second of all, do you want to hear something really funny? my grandfather, who is like 94 and awesome will tell everybody, he's like, i knew that my granddaughter was going to make it after her telephone tammy commercial. [ laughter ] like to this day, my grandfather is like, i peaked.

that was the height of my career was telephone tammy. >> that was a great commercial. >> was this the producers? thanks, guys. >> no, that was all me. >> did you get one for your kids? ten minutes or less, telephone tammy. >> they don't like the cords. they like cordless now. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> "a bad moms christmas" opens in theatres wednesday. mila kunis everybody! we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ directv has been rated number one in customer satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. but some people still like cable.

just like some people like pre-shaken sodas. having their seat kicked on an airplane. being rammed by a shopping cart. sitting in gum. and walking into a glass door. but for everyone else, there's directv. for #1 rated customer satisfaction over cable, switch to directv and get a $200 reward card. call 1-800-directv. can this much love be cleaned by a little bit of dawn ultra? oh yeah one bottle has the grease cleaning power of three bottles of this other liquid. a drop of dawn and grease is gone.

feel the power of thenew power...smax. ...to fight back theraflu's powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms... fast. so you can play on. theraflu expressmax. new power. the great coke® taste ofyone coke® zero sugar. so we're not going to bring out the bearded man from up north to give it a ringing endorsement. no holiday hype person to convince you "it's the perfect gift." could we lose the lights please? thanks. the only thing that will make you believe coke® zero sugar

has great coke® taste, is trying it yourself. ice cold coke® zero sugar. try one today. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ it all starts with a wish. the final days of wish list are here. hurry in and sign and drive off in a new lincoln with zero down and a complimentary first month's payment. oh, no, you blinked. he blinked... dylan, is a patient at st. jude children's research hospital.

thanks to you, st. jude is leading how the world treats and defeats childhood cancer. and we freely share our research to help save kids worldwide. saw you blink! no, you blinked. nope, you blinked. i didn't blink. give thanks for the healthy kids in your life. visit stjude.org or shop where you see the st. jude logo. i could do this for a hundred years. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] welcome back, i'm shaquille o'neal in for jimmy kimmel tonight. my next guest is a very funny

actor and comedian. she also directed the episode of her show "criminal minds" that airs this wednesday. please welcome the very busy aisha tyler! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hello, hi. >> hello, beautiful, how are you? >> doing wonderful. how are you? >> i'm good. >> thanks for having me on your show tonight. this night, it's your show. but tonight it's your show. >> i've been on longer than magic johnson, so i'm happy. [ laughter ] >> a lot of people don't know, we work together. >> yeah, we worked together several times. >> when was the last time i saw you? >> we just did lip sync battle together last season. >> that's right. [ cheers and applause ] and, you know, i'm woman enough to admit that shaq beat me, but it was very close.

l.l. had to ask the audience twice, and then they just voted for the person with more meat on them. [ laughter ] he just had a foot on me. you know what i mean? just got a foot, extra claps. >> because we know each other, i thought you wouldn't mind if we shared a dressing room. this is me earlier. >> yeah, we are good friends. were we sharing a dressing room? >> this is me. oh, i see. [ cheers and applause ] >> well, i'm excited that we have photographic proof that you are a large man, but your ass is normal size. [ laughter ] because it's like -- it's like there's a black hole sucking the rest of your ass in towards the middle. [ cheers and applause ] like a little -- shaq, you got a fun-size ass, my friend. oh, now it's crazy. [ laughter ] >> we have something else in common. tell us about this photo right here. >> oh, my god. so this is a picture of me in the sixth grade, and i'm six

feet tall, and i've been that tall since second grade. and as you can see, this girl right here, seems like she's standing four or five feet behind me, she's hanging off my arm like a sloth. i'm so much bigger than she is, i'm dancing and she's swinging from my bicep. i was a giant, giant kid. >> this is me in kindergarten. [ laughter and applause ] >> and looks like you're jumping. you're just standing there while the tiny caucasian kindergartners, please, give us the ball, sir, may we have some more? it's weird, because when you're tall, mostly you're proportionate, but as in your case, you have a tiny bottom. and i have really tiny toes. whenever i get a pedicure, they're like, your toes are so small. so i wonder if your toes are normal size or fun size toes. >> you call those little toes? >> they're little toes. you can't see my baby toe.

i can't get them out of these shoes. they're welded to my feet. but my pinkie toe is like a math problem. you just look at it to see if it's there. >> mine too actually. you were a host on "the talk." for about six years. >> yeah, six seasons on "the talk." [ cheers and applause ] >> how am i doing? >> you're doing great. >> any advice? >> there are three rules to interviewing somebody. i did six years of "the talk" and five years of a podcast called "girl on guy," so i have one on one interviews, i put it to sleep, podcasts on itunes. great tips for you. i did 300 episodes of that show. the first thing is, if you don't know where to start, ask somebody where they were born. because everybody loves to talk about themselves. once you take them back to their childhood, they get warm feelings about how they dunked on all the tiny white kids in their school and then they gradually open up. [ laughter ] and then the second thing is, you want your guest to win. you know what i mean? you already won, because you're behind the table and you got

this big-ass hubcap on your hand. [ laughter ] you're already a winner. so you want your guest to win. that's your job. if they win, you win. high tide raises all boats. and don't forget to plug their [ bleep ], man. if they leave and you don't plug their [ bleep ], they'll be so mad at you. so plug their [ bleep ]. so that's my advice. and also give your ring away. [ cheers and applause ] >> everyone knows you're a very busy lady, you have a lot of jobs. so what do you want to plug first? >> oh my god, okay. i wish i was like an auctioneer and i could go really fast. i just directed my first episode of "criminal minds," it airs this wednesday. [ cheers and applause ] so much fun. you can see me every week on "criminal minds," on the ninth season of "archer," which starts in march of 2018 next year. [ cheers and applause ] streaming now on netflix, "whose line is it anyway" on the cw. all five seasons of my podcast "girl on guy" are on itunes now.

and i directed my first feature film, a thriller called "access." it is in rotation, at the portland film festival this weekend, the chicago international movie and music festival next weekend, in austin the first week of december. after which i'm going to have a stroke and die! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> so we know you directed your first episode. did you direct yourself? and are you easy to work with? >> oh, i'm a diva. i stomped away from my myself. i slapped myself in the face. no, i really love directing and a lot of other actors on "criminal minds" have directed. joe mantanyes directed. but the girl thing, i don't know if you find this in sports, but we're a team first, and everybody was rooting for me and they were super supportive. they put up with me while i was figuring it out. i've been directing for a while but first time on tv, feel your way through. but the actors on my show were unbelievable. and this is a kick-ass episode, i'm really proud of it. >> you play a fbi agent.

>> i do. >> did you know i'm a detective? >> i did know, you were sleuthing around the cushions of my bedroom. [ laughter ] dusting for fingerprints on my sofabed. >> watch the episode of "criminal minds" november 1st on cbs. we'll be right back with ty dolla sign and yg. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live!" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. four unlimited lines for only forty bucks each. nd get plus, netflix for the whole family. on us. so, they get their shows... let's go, girl! you're gonna love this bit! and you get yours. watch however you want.

on your phone, tablet, or tv. for just forty bucks per line. with no extra charges. let's rock this joint! all on america's best unlimited network, t-mobile. ♪ sourced entirely in france, for a character all its own. grey goose. give the world's best tasting vodka. nosy neighbor with a glad bag, full of trash. what happens next? nothing. only glad has febreze to neutralize odors for 5 days. guaranteed. even the most perceptive noses won't notice the trash. be happy. it's glad. wiback like it could used to? neutrogena hydro boost water gel. with hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. for supple, hydrated skin. hydro boost. from neutrogena

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ for those who know what they're really building. always unstoppable. hey, l'eggo my eggo. i don't see your name on it. really? ba bam! know the rules. keep your eggo. l'eggo my eggo. okay. (cough) it's just a cough. if you could see your cough, you'd see just how far it can spread. robitussin soothes in seconds and delivers fast, powerful cough relief for hours. (giggling) robitussin dm max. because it's never just a cough. nick is a logistical mastermind. when it comes to moving packages on a global scale,

nobody does it better. he's also an avid cookie connoisseur. dig in, big guy. but when it comes to mortgages, he's... less confident. fortunately for nick, there's rocket mortgage by quicken loans. it's simple, so he can understand the details and get approved in as few as eight minutes. apply simply. understand fully. mortgage confidently. rocket mortgage by quicken loans. ♪ mortgage confidently. ♪ give extra. get extra. kohl's intimates stock-up with 25 to 40% off all bras. kohl's has the biggest assortment from the best brands. so now is the best time to stock up for the new year. at kohl's intimates stock-up sale, going on now. kohl's. ♪

sourced entirely in france, for a character all its own. grey goose. give the world's best tasting vodka.

[ splash ] [ horn sounds ] dang! ok, i gotta run. hey, wait, there's something i need to tell you- dang. dang! dang! dang. dang. see zero in a whole new way. get zero down, zero deposit, zero first month's payment, and zero due at signing on select volkswagen models. now with the people first warranty.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live!" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> i'd like to thank mila kunis, aisha tyler and of course jimmy kimmel. dave grohl will be your guest host tomorrow.

"nightline" is next but first, his new album is called "beach house three" here with the song "ex," with some help from y-g, ty dolla $ign! ♪ ♪ ♪ i just text my main chick main i told her i ain't coming home home ♪ ♪ i just text my main chick ♪ main ♪ told her i ain't coming home ♪ home tonight hey mixing henny with the bombay -- it i done had a long day oh ♪ ♪ i done linked up with my old thing right time but the wrong place ♪ ♪ riding 'round with it on me oh got me thinking about all my old

days old days ♪ ♪ i been getting money four ways four ways r. kelly 12 play with the foreplay ♪ ♪ i know know i be up to no good baby i know know i'm just misunderstood ♪ ♪ i just text my main chick main i told her i ain't coming home ♪ ♪ home ♪ i just text my main chick ♪ main ♪ told her i ain't coming home ♪ home tonight i just text my main chick ♪ ♪ main ♪ told her i ain't coming home tonight ♪ how you living -- how you living i'm on jet skis ♪ give my last to these yeah leave your main squeeze for ♪ that's how you know when it's all bad all bad she call or text i could call back i could call

back ♪ ♪ but she imagine in her head i'm doing all that i tell her i'm not ♪ ♪ she like yg you a thot ♪ i know i be up to no good i'm just misunderstood yeah yeah ♪ ♪ yeah yeah a hundred times told her i was gon' stop but it's kind of hard when ♪ ♪ every night them bottles pop yeah yeah it's kind of hard when you're making your watch ♪ ♪ make all them nines and tens flop yeah ♪ ♪ i just text my main chick ♪ main ♪ told her i ain't coming home ♪ home i just text my main chick ♪ ♪ main ♪ told her i ain't coming home tonight ♪ i just text my main chick ♪ ♪ told her i ain't coming home tonight ♪ i just text my main chick ♪ ♪ told her i ain't coming home tonight ♪ home

[ cheers and applause ] >> all them ladies, make some noise one time. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you're looking for somebody somebody you can call on ♪ ♪ call on when you need it done right if you're looking for a real one so am i ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ so am i yeah yeah yeah i'll make this -- all for you ♪ ♪ girl you're looking for somebody somebody you can call on ♪ ♪ call on when you need it done right if you're looking for a real one ♪ ♪ so am i put it on her put it put it on her tongue yeah put it on her put it put it on her tongue yeah so am i ♪ ♪ put it on her put it put it on

her tongue yeah ♪ ooh yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ i need to see everybody's hands up ♪ ♪ ♪ said you wasn't comin' over but you happy that you came yeah ♪ ♪ yeah said you wasn't gonna drink but you happy that you did yeah ♪ ♪ put it on her didn't think you had a match but both of us lit yeah ♪ ♪ and you was just about to leave ain't you glad that you stayed yeah ♪ ♪ so am i put it on her put it put it on her tongue yeah put it on her put it put it on her tongue yeah ♪ ♪ so am i put it on her put it put it on her tongue yeah ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ wasn't coming over but you happy that you came yeah ♪ ♪ said you wasn't going to drink but you happy that you did yeah ♪ ♪ didn't think you had a match but both of us did yeah ♪ ♪ and you was just about to leave aren't you glad that you stayed yeah ♪ ♪ so am i ♪ put it on put it on her tongue yeah ♪ ♪ so am i yeah yeah yeah ♪ put it on her tongue put it put it there on her tongue yeah ♪ ♪ so am i ♪ yeah yeah yeah so am i ♪ ♪

this is "nightline." >> tonight, swimming with killers. we're on a journey to the coast of norway with an adventurer determined to expose the majesty of orcas to the world. and a former killer whale trainer getting the chance of a lifetime. >> we're ready to go swimming. >> why these predators are now at risk. ♪ despacito >> it was the song of the summer, song of the fall, nominated for song of the year. on look back with luis and his video costar, a former miss universe, how their viral sensation began as a love letter to women and their homeland. >> when i saw the video, everybody's dancing, everybody's so happy. and that's what you