tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC January 2, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PST
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i'm dan ashley. >> and i'm dion lim. right now on jimmy kimmel, david on from hollywood -- it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- david duchovny. from the bachelor, arie luyendyk jr. and comedian dusty slay. and now -- we're back. here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks for watching. thanks for coming. we are back to work after a long break. that was very nice. we were off for what, like 16
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days? i was sick for 15 of the 16 days. i've had a cold since september of 2016. it's non -- i don't use tissues anymore. i had to move to paper towels. i have a roll of paper towels like the heisman trophy under my arms. is anyone else here sick? on behalf of the rest of the audience, thanks for coming. the good news is the bachelor, there's to way i can give him anything he didn't already get in the hot tub. i would like you to allow me to be the first to wish you a happy and healthy new year. i don't know how we'll top 2017 but we're going to try. i was thinking about this today. babies born in the year, if you were born in the year 2000, you're now old enough in 2018 to not bother to vote. isn't that something? i did my new years resolution a
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little differently. this year i made them for other people. they say it's better to give. guillermo, i have a pretty good idea what your new year resolution was. >> what is it? >> jimmy: guillermo posted this on facebook. you can see he wrote -- [ cheers and applause ] what kind of gym is this where they don't require a shirt, by the way? >> i took it off for the picture. >> jimmy: you wrote good morning from the gym. fall in love with the gym. falling in love with the gym? >> well, i kind of like the jill now. >> jimmy: and i like this, too. we are about results. 2018. too much job to be done. hispanic stay strong. is that an arm or a chicken leg or a shrimp? i don't know. who is we? do you have a trainer or are you
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sculpting that body on your own now? >> no. i hired a trainer. >> jimmy: what is your trainer's name? >> cecil. >> jimmy: you got a trainer named after a salad that's not healthy. >> cecil galdona. >> jimmy: not that dog trainer caesar. >> no, no. latino. >> jimmy: whatever the case, that's one of the sexiest before pictures i've ever seen. he wrote, happy new year, my wonderful friends. where did this happen? are you getting acupuncture? what's going on? you and a poinsettia and -- where was >> there's a mexican sushi restaurant. >> jimmy: that's the best. what? >> yes. half mexican, half sushi restaurant. >> jimmy: wow! >> so my wife sent me to go get
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food. i went to get food and when i was getting -- when i was getting the food, i know a bar tender. he goes you want a margarita? i go yeah, sure. i drink a margarita and he says your food will be ready in a minute. i said can i have another one? so i had another margarita. >> jimmy: so you had dos margaritas while you were waiting for your food. >> no, i had three. >> jimmy: it helps the mexican sushi go down when you have three. well, happy nuevo he wasn't the only one on new years eve. cnn sent a reporter to colorado where marine is legal.
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>> reporter: there's a little bit of a purple haze. they call this magic bus the cane bus. what do you call it? >> like a lazy susan. >> reporter: like a lazy susan, it makes getting hi easier? we're here at the medicine man. i think i got a little high. i'm trying to remember where i am. >> jimmy: you're not on fox news. that's i know. i don't know where you get those but -- if somebody has an extra blazy susan, send it here. president trump was in palm beach for the new year. they were in marlg and look with a great time they had. it's like someone just told him he still has to be president in 2018. on the night of christmas, he tweeted, that was fun, happy holidays but back to work. then after tweeting, he golfed
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seven days in a row. it was like his version of hannukkah. it was supposed to only last a day but instead it lasted a week. it was a miracle. trump has now played golf -- [ cheers and applause ] a record 91 times since being president which is once every four days. i don't mind it. i think it's good for him. he took some time off. he almost seems like new man. minutes ago, he tweeted, north korean leader kim jong-un just tweeted, the nuclear button is on his desk at all times lflt someone please inform him i too have a nuclear button but it is a much bigger and more powerful one than his and my button works. that's right. happy new year, everybody! we have two maniacs with nuclear warheads bragging about who has the bigger but the object.
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trump tweeted eight times before 8:00 a.m. i know it's early but this could be his tweet of the year. he wrote this morning since taking office, i've been very strict on commercial aviation. it was just reported that there were zero deaths in 2017. the best and safest year on record. great job. not since harrison ford was president have we felt so protected on -- what's clearly, he didn't even read the report which was about commercial aviation around the world. i don't know if he thinks he's president of the world now. if we're talking about the united states, it's true, there were no deaths in commercial aviation in 2017 which is great. do you know which other years had no fatalities? 2016, 15, 14, 12, 11 -- in fact, the last one was in 2009. so thank you, president trump, for being so effective can, you actually went back in time.
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what won't this man take credit for? by the way, it's only 2nd! i might need to be put this aheima iaheimer barrack -- a hyperbari sleep chamber. >> a double overtime game. they'll play alabama for the national championship on monday. it was a great game. unfortunately the rose bowl i was watching was "the bachelor" last night. last night we had the big season premier of the bachelor. you have all these resolutions, read more, speak a fortune language, and then day one. it's the bachelor and you're on the couch. this year it is arie luyen dyk.
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he was the runner up on the season and somehow they found 29 women who desperately want him. usually on the show they'll have a couple of ladies with the same name. this year we have twobeckas, two brittney's, and we have this. >> what's your name? >> lauren. >> nice to meet you. >> there's another lauren. >> i've met two lauren's. >> nice to meet you. >> you're lauren too? >> yeah. we have they laurens. >> hi, ladies. >> the four laurens of the apocalypse are on the bachelors this year. now we're down to only three laurens which is manageable but still too many. the bachelor shouldn't be harder to follow than "game of thrones." what a group of women this is.
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this was my favorite moment when becca m. asked a softball question that arie knocked it out of the park. >> what are three things that make you excited to be alive. >> three things. excitement. >> excitement makes him excited. i think it does for all of us. it will be a long nine weeks. any way, arie is here with us. and as is tradition, i will predict which woman it will be. last year i predicted bachelor nick would pick vanessa, and by that, i mean my wife has picked it. my wife has picked four of the last five. over the next five weeks she decides she wants to be friends with her and have her move in to our house. and then the show ends and we
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can't even remember any of their names. did any of you play this hq trivia over the break? if you haven't played it yet, you're going to. a wedding i went to, the whole wedding stopped. you can win money if you answer 12 questions right. some of the questions are hard. but some of the questions, some of them it's shocking when they reveal the answer because you can see how many people got it wrong. let's look at the questions. r2-d2 is a droid that appears in which popular film franchise? not everybody got it right. some think it was a bond villain or a muggle. here's another one. which of these critters is not a beetle? 377 people said the rhino beetle was not a beetle even though it was the only choice that has the word beetle in it. wasn't like one of those was
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ringo. a trick question. i got mention in the one of the questions. the question is, who is the current host of the tonight show? jimmy kimmel, jimmy fall honor mckenzie fallon? i'm not upset that there are all the people that don't know the name of the show. what puzzles me is the 2270 people who chose mckenzie fallon. is that even a person? it sounds like an outdoor apparel catalogue. but it is very popular. it is almost as popular as the game we're going to play next. a miracle struck. when the clock struck midnight, the sale of recreational marijuana became legal and just like that, millions of fake cases of insomnia were cured. marijuana is now fully legal for
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recreational purposes. hundreds lined up to play. they delivered to it your house. and by the way, real stoners don't like up in front of a store on the day it becomes legal. real stoners line up maybe four days later if they even remember. we came up with a game to play. we're going out to the streets. one of the people you're looking at right now is high. shockingly, two of them aren't. when we come back, we'll rye to guess which person it is as we play quote who's high." who's hi" " (chris) the very first time i met bruce i saw on his lapel he's got a purple heart. (bruce) we started talking about the service. i outrank him. (chris) [laughs] yeah. meals on wheels reaches so many people. it's impactful beyond anything i've ever done in my life.
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i mentioned earlier the sale of recreational marijuana is legal here in the state of california. we're playing a game which we have cleverly titled who's high? in front of our theater, cousin sal, you're not high, correct? >> i took a few things. >> jimmy: some people we found on the street, one of those people has admitted that he is high or she is high. the other two are not. i have to figure out with your help which one is high. okay? does everyone understand that? let's meet our contestants. all right. sheryl is already trying to figure out how to work a
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microphone so you're suspect number one. where are you from? >> ontario, canada. >> jimmy: is marijuana legal there? >> not yet. >> jimmy: when will it be legal? >> july 1st. >> jimmy: okay. your eyes look very clear. well, maybe not. all right, well -- it's very christmassy in your eyeballs. what do you do for work there? >> i'm an aspiring youtuber. >> jimmy: that's not a job! aspiring youtuber? the account is free. you don't have to aspire. all right. let's meet our next contestant. what is your name? >> danicko. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> charleston, south carolina. >> jimmy: may i have a look at his clothing, please? what kind of tree is that?
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is that palm? oh, wait a minute, that's a palm tree. all right. what do you do for a living? >> i'm a land survey or. >> jimmy: do you get drug tested at work? >> never. >> jimmy: all right. all right. and let's keep going to contestant number three. and your name is clay. where are you from? >> louisville, kentucky. >> jimmy: what do you do for work there? >> well, i make pizza. >> jimmy: oh, boy. wow, that's perfect. let's take a look at clay's eyes. yeah. and just for fairness sake, let's to go danicko. would you mind removing your sunglasses for just a moment so i can have a look and see what's going on there? all right. now -- who is laughing hardest
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right now? >> i think the dog is, jimmy. >> jimmy: all right. i am going to say, i feel like dan dloik is putting it on a little bit. i'm going to say sheryl. are you high? >> no. >> jimmy: you are not high. all right. clay, are you high? >> nope. >> jimmy: this is how narrow it down. what's your dog's name? >> simon. >> jimmy: simon, are you high? danicko, when did you last smoke? >> at 20. >> jimmy: you mean in april or this afternoon? >> for y4:20.
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>> jimmy: all right. we have prizes for everyone. thank you very much. let's bring three more in there. i want to give it another shot. i feel like i need to redeem myself. my weed-ar is a little off. three more contestants. all right. les no, way les is high, right? >> no. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> oklahoma. >> jimmy: were you pulled into this begrudgingly? >> i was bored and didn't have anything else to do. >> jimmy: all right. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: in the middle, your name is jane? jane. where are you from? >> i'm from chattanooga, tennessee. >> jimmy: you're from tennessee. you seem very clear-eyed. and now finally our third contestant is -- >> craig.
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>> jimmy: all right. craig, what do you do for work? >> i am currently laid off. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. it's craig. >> no. >> jimmy: it's not you? >> negative. >> jimmy: well, it can't be less so it must be jane. >> no. >> jimmy: it's les. >> what can i say? >> jimmy: wow! les, come in here. i would like to you enjoy the rest of the show with us. >> i have to bring my grandson with me. >> jimmy: wait a minute. you're with your grandson? oh, no! >> i'd better not. let's get child protective services on the line and bring les in here. do you have prizes? >> yes, i'll giving everyone a snow globe. thank you for playing. come on in, les.
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tonight on the show, the bachelor is here. dusty slay is with us and we'll be back with david duchovny. ( ♪ ) with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. life made more effortless through adaptability. the perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. ( ♪ )
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>> jimmy: hi, and welcome back. tonight, the most eligible bachelor on this or any network. arie luyendyk jr. is here. i have many questions for arie and he will have no answers for me. then, a very funny gentleman who will be headlining the charleston comedy festival in south carolina starting january 19th. dusty slay is with us. tomorrow night, jessica chastain will be here. sean "diddy" combs will join us. we'll have music from brandi carlile. and later this week - kobe bryant, armie hammer, khloe kardashian, jason clarke. plus, music from they and prophets of rage. and look who has wandered in here. >> how are you? >> jimmy: les! i have to tell you something. i feel a lot better about the grandson thing now that i see that this is your grandson, right? >> yep!
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>> jimmy: were you guys at the game yesterday? you said you're from oklahoma. >> yes, sir. >> jimmy: and then it didn't go as well as you hoped you turned to drugs. >> it happened a long time ago. >> jimmy: have you smoke with your grandpa before? >> no. he's good. >> i don't drink or smoke. >> jimmy: you sat there while your grandfather got high? >> i have to make sure he gets home okay. >> jimmy: wherever he goes, he's going to be okay. well, hang out, les. >> look what you get. it pays to get hi. you get a [ bleep ] snow globe.. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you hang out right there. i'm going to introduce our first guest. feel free to hang out. if you have any questions for david duchovny, he'll be right here. long before robert mueller was the most talked-about member of the fbi, we had a mulder. a fox mulder who is back,
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alongside gillian anderson for an all-new season of "the x-files." it returns to fox tomorrow night. please welcome david duchovny. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'm good. i recognize you. 1983, ninth street and avenue b. you owe me a nickel bag of weed, buddy. >> no guarantees. >> jimmy: i don't think les knows this is happening right now. welcome. it's very good to see you. >> nice to see you. >> jimmy: how is your life going? >> everything is good. >> jimmy: are you one of those guys, i know you're from new york. did you ever go out in times square and celebrate?
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>> god know. >> jimmy: who would do this? who would ever go out there? >> nobody from, no is out there in times square. my family didn't really celebrate new years eve either. we were not a very celebratory family. no touchdown dances, nothing. i remember i got invited to a party on the upper east side. i was on the lower east side. and i just assumed, i showed up at like 6:00 p.m. for a party. it was snowing and i saw there was nothing going on in the house and i ended up walking on the upper east side for four hours in the snow before i saw signs of life in the house. >> jimmy: that's one of the saddest things i've ever heard. >> one of my nicknames in high school was hay seed. i seemed like i was from the country. >> jimmy: the kids called you hay seed? >> the coaches. >> jimmy: do you want to lay
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down and get into this? i find this very surprising. from time to time celebrities will come on the show and they're fans of the bachelor to find out what's going on. you watch the bachelor. >> jimmy: i have watched it. you have watched it or do you watch it? >> i do watch it. >> jimmy: and why? who got you into this? it the couldn't have been something you did on your own. >> no. it was my daughter and i. she was about 14, four or five years ago, we started watching together. i would watch it for clues to what kind of guy she would gravitate toward. she didn't know that i was watching it for that reason. i would be in silent judgment of her picks. like she would say that guy is so cute. and i would be like -- i would be thinking, it's more than just good hair. a relationship is based on more than just good hair.
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>> jimmy: that's right. when you watch her, do you try to steer her away? >> you have children. >> jimmy: well we didn't have this. my kids are 26 and 24. like maybe we got a little of jersey shore and they weren't attracted to anybody on that. but i have little kids now. we don't watch the bachelor yet. >> it will be going on forever. >> jimmy: it probably will. is there one bachelor in particular that she liked that you didn't like that she liked? >> yes. >> jimmy: who was that? >> i think his name was jordan rodgers. >> jimmy: aaron rodgers' brother. >> he had fabulous hair. my poor young daughter was mesmerized by the flip of his hair. i didn't trust the guy. >> jimmy: trust no one. that's right. >> i'm sure he's a lovely guy. >> jimmy: i'm sure. >> please don't condemn me. >> jimmy: and your daughter liked him so you naturally did
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not. >> jimmy: do you watch the bachelor? >> no. this is getting heavy. you guys can go. you don't to have hang out. you can take off. thanks for coming. >> you could have a pilot at abc tomorrow. >> i was kind of hoping i would take the seat behind the desk. >> jimmy: they say les is more. >> i hear that a lot. >> jimmy: very good. there's les and his grandson. his grandson might be a nice catch for your daughter. you know? he has good hair. david duchovny is here! ♪ ♪ ♪
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for -- is point exterminating humanity. >> jimmy: that's david duchovny tomorrow night at 8:00 p.m. >> originally, that line as written was you want to see me snap? and i said to chris carter, it feels a little wrong. >> jimmy: off? >> yeah. why don't i have a gun? that's the kind of creative input that i give. >> jimmy: it's a give and take. >> a collaboration. >> jimmy: a perfect way of putting it. when you started, you know i've loved the "x-files" since the beginning. were you at all skeptical about taking this role? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: why? >> honestly, i thought a show about aliens, you're going to see an alien or not in the first couple elpisode is over. >> jimmy: but it turned out to be about a lot more.
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were you auditioning for other shows? >> yes. for every show that would have me. at that point, i was like, right before that i had great disappointment. i had auditioned for a show called full house a couple years earlier. and i had actually auditioned for all three parts. they configure out how to use me. all they could figure out -- >> jimmy: all three. so bob saget, and john >> and the olson twins. >> jimmy: and you wanted that. >> i wanted to eat. i would go home and be told, you're not that guy. go in for this guy. not that guy. go in for this guy. not that guy. go home. >> jimmy: did you get the "x-files" right away? >> no. it was shortly after that. maybe a year or two after that. i can't remember exactly. >> jimmy: but even then, you were wondering, what's going on?
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even though you were almost uncle jesse. i don't know if i want to get involved in this alien show. >> yeah. i had booked this other job that was going at the same time they were going to shoot the pilot, and stupid, i told them i would do this tv movie. and casting, a guy named randy stone who has died since, a good friend. he said i will tell you if you do there show, you'll never need work again in the rest of your life. and i've only said that to one other person, woody haralson for cheers. and i said he was [ bleep ] next time i see him. >> jimmy: there's no way he'll remember. >> obviously. >> jimmy: legalized marijuana way before it was in california. >> it would be a great gag if he told every actor that you'll never have to work again in your
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>> jimmy: last night on the season premiere of the bachelor our next guest met a bekah, a bri, a brittany, a brittane with an "e", and a record-breakin&-p. he puts his heart on the line again, as the bachelor, every monday night here on abc. please welcome arie luyendyk jr. arie? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it is very good to see you. you're the bachelor. who did you pick?
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don't make us go through this again. we're going to find out eventually. just tell us. i have everybody backstage crazy right now. >> i have a pretty good poker face. >> jimmy: can you tell us when was the last time you saw the person you picked? >> i cannot. >> jimmy: that's interesting. usually the bachelor will say, we've been holed up in a hotel room or something like that. >> no. i want to keep it -- it's difficult. i can't tell you anything. it's hard. i will say though, it was an amazing experience, obviously. >> jimmy: well, sure, you have to say that. it's part of bachelor law. >> i know. i did fall in love. >> jimmy: okay. with one of the women on the show? with two women. two of the women on the show. >> jimmy: so you have a threesome going. that's exciting. wouldn't that be something? are there rules that say you have to just pick one? or can you peick couple? >> no.
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you do have to pick a couple. >> jimmy: like the five on the couch. i'll take a couple of you. >> you do have to pick one. >> jimmy: and your terminology is interesting too. you say unfortunately. because if you were really -- there's something really going on, you would be a little more quaushs the words. >> no, no, it's a very difficult process. obviously you could see i was very nervous on the first else episode. a couple jokes went right over my head. >> jimmy: you're a real estate agent. correct? you work in scottsdale, arizona. is this helping your business? >> no. it is a little awkward. i did an open house the other day. and someone talked about this and said you're the bachelor? and the conversation became just about that. i drove someone around and i realized, she's not buying a house. she just wants to hang out so i think this might be creating a problem for me.
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>> jimmy: i'm going to tell you who you picked. then we'll study your face and see what your reaction is. my wife has worked very hard on this. she made me wait right until showtime to tell me who she thinks the winner will be. we've narrowed it down to four. starting with tia. she gave you a little wiener when she met you. she's frye the town of wiener. she's raven's friend. i'm ashamed of myself for knowing these things. she's an arkansas girl, a physical therapist. you will not pick tia but you will keep her around for a while. yes? number two. chelsea. you gave her the first impression rose. she is very attractive, aggressive, clearly going to be the villain so you need to keep her around for a while. you won't pick her but you'll keep giving her roses so she can antagonize everyone in the house. chelsea.
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i think we may have learned something there. becca m. you said she's beautiful. you seem excited to be around her. she's a rock childer. she made the other girls cry in the appropriato which means she'll be around for a while. and you don't see a woman with short hair very much. becca m single in your final four. and the winner, perhaps your wife, although i don't think so. becca k. despite a weird start, making you get down on one knee, you liked her. she seemed to be the most normal. no major red flags. you seemed into her when she was reading questions from her mom and pretendsing her mother is interesting. that's a big thing to do. you also gave her the first rose in the ceremony which means she's probably the one whose name you reynold off the bat. i believe you will pick becca k!
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oh on, man. maybe you won't pick any of they will. i would like to see you in a threesome with these twoful are these the final two? did you pick two glaebeccas? how confusing would that be? >> or easy. >> jimmy: or easy. i hope whatever happened there turned out well and i hope people stop wasting your time when you do open houses. do you put cookies in the house? >> i do everything. >> jimmy: he does everything. he's the bachelor monday night on abc. and we shall return with comedian dusty slay.
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like jack's one-of-a-kind breakfast pockets for $2 each. three of jack's famous tacos and a small drink for $3! or a classic bonus jack combo for $5! it's like i tell jack jr., it's all about big values, jr. prices. >> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny man with a great comedian name. you can see him headline the charleston comedy festival in south carolina on january 19th. making his television debut, please welcome dusty slay.
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>> all right! all right. all right. well, i grew up in a trailer park which wasn't that fun. so i'm not sure why they call it a park. you know what i mean? there wasn't no rides in there. there's a lot of money out there. a lot of different kinds of money. you know there's like old money, new money, drug money, blood money. we didn't have any of that. what we had was good money. that's when your parents buy you something you don't like, they go "we paid good money for that!" good money buys the worst stuff too. it's never anything good. good money buys like air brushed t-shirts with your name on it, from the county fair. i had a lot of t shirts with wolves on them growing up. my mom thought i'd look good in a wolf t shirt. she was like the more wolves the better. put them all over that thing.
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maybe put a little moon on that thing. give that wolf something to howl at. i had a hat growing up that just had my name airbrushed across the top. just said "dusty," right across the top. that's just so i wouldn't get kidnapped. kidnapper sees that hat he's like, "nah his family ain't got no money. just give him the candy. just let him have the candy. he probably ain't had candy in a long time." i'm out there trying to get in the van. they're like, "no, no. we are kidnappers." i'm like, "i know, i'm a kid. trying to get napped up in here. i live in nashville, tennessee now. i live in nashville and last december we had a tornado warning and i was listening to the radio and they were telling us what to do during the tornado warning based on what kind of house you live in. they said if you have a house
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with a basement, go into the basement. if you live in a house without a basement, go into a bathroom or a small room. and they were like, if you live in a trailer park, we want you to go to a neighbor's house or go outside and lay down in the ditch! that's the real news. they were like "listen, we don't know what to tell ya. hell, you made some bad decisions along the way, now you've got to deal with this." they're like, "yeah i know it's raining out there and that ditch is going to be full of water but just get down in it. yeah it's december, it's going to be cold. you're probably going to get sick, but just get down in there." i like that they think that there's a ditch located next to every trailer park. like it just comes with it. every trailer park gets their own tornado ditch. no trash in this ditch unless it's white trash. we're having a good time.
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i like that the other option they gave you was to go to a neighbor 's house. i don't know what kind of trailer parks they know about, but at the trailer park i grew up in, my neighbor also lived in a trailer. it's like they just wanted us to meet up in one, maybe weight it down. that way the tornado couldn't carry it away. we weren't real poor though, we just didn't have everything, you know? like i never got ice cream growing up. my mom used to just pour milk into a bowl, then she'd call me into the room and go, "well, you're too late." all right. thank you very much. thank you. [ applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to get you some ice cream. dusty slay will be headlining at the charleston comedy festival in south carolina on january 19th. i'd like to thank david duchovny, arie luyendyk jr. and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. nightline is next. goodnight! [ cheers and applause ]
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this is "nightline." >> tonight hundreds of powerful women joining forces, launching the new time's up movement. a call for the end of sexual harassment. how women are seizing the political reins. plus, social star gone too far. the youtube star famous for shameless stunts. but vent sburg a so-called japanese suicide forest and filming a dead body. the apology that some say is not good enough. and truth in lies. controversial figure skater tanya harding revealing shocking
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