jimmy kimmel live is next. >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, will forte, from "love" vanessa bayer, and music from dirty heads. and now, moving forward, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're very nice. hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for coming. thank you for joining us. on what was a powerful day of peaceful protest here in the united states. this morning thousands of

students took part in a national school walkout on the one-month anniversary of the shooting in parkland, florida. students from all over the country walked out of school and marched and called for tougher controls on gun sales and universal background checks. i'm proud of these kids. i have to say all of my accomplishments were wiffle ball related. i love that they're keeping up with that. i hope those students realize that in a lot of states you can register to vote before you turn 18. you can go to vote.gov to do that. because that's what really scares them. [ cheers and applause ] they love their offices and desks. students even marched in boston today despite the fact that a lot of the schools were closed because of snow. this is something. this is a paddywagon in boston that got an assist from the snow queen herself, queen elsa. it has millions of views on facebook. elsa from "frozen" using her powers to push a police vehicle out of the snow while no one

shooting it from the bar came out to help, by the way. [ laughter ] elsa did eventually get the thing going. and watch this. finishes in royal style with a little curtsy at the end. [ cheers and applause ] tell you what. if that is -- if that's a scene from "frozen 2," i can't wait for it to come out. melania trump has emerged from hiding. she hasn't been seen much since winter stormy daniels hit d.c. [ laughter ] but melania is back and planning to meet with representatives from twitter, facebook, google and others to lead the fight against online bullying. apparently the word "irony" doesn't translate from slovenian. [ laughter ] but all she has to do to fight cyberbullying is take a hammer to her husband's thumbs and phone. [ laughter ] but melania trump instead is -- [ cheers and applause ]

melania trump holding a summit to stop cyberbullying is like camille cosby calling a meeting with benadryl. it's making people woozy. but melania, she wants to begin with a discussion of how the companies have been addressing this issue so far. and then swap clothes with one of the attendees and sneak out as part of the group. you know, when i was a kid we didn't have this cyberbullying. in fact, when i used to have to get bullied by fax when i was a young person. but melania is very serious about this. so much so she just recorded this extremely emotional psa. >> the president and i have witnessed firsthand the compassion and commitment of americans. as first lady i face many important issues. but none has catched my heart more than the issue of cyberbullying and kindness online. it is important to set example for all children. whether they be little marcos, lyin' teds, sleepy-eyed chucks,

low i.q. crazy micahs, or overrated meryls. if we don't treat each other well online, we are no better than fat little rocket mans. may god bless you, even haters and the losers. hashtag sad. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know what? at least she's doing something. thank you, mrs. trump. thank you. donald trump and his fellow republicans suffered a major loss in pennsylvania last night. a democrat named conor lamb beat -- [ cheers and applause ] >> -- a republican named rick saccone in a district that trump won by 20 points, which was a big victory for the democrats. big loss for trump. trump pulled out all the stops on this one. he tweeted his support of saccone. he traveled to pittsburgh to hold a big rally for him. he even gave saccone's opponent a nickname. he named him lamb the sham. and still they lost. although the white house is calling it -- they're not saying it's a loss.

it's essentially a tie. but it's not a tie. [ laughter ] it's a loss. if it was a tie, it would be scotch-taped to donald trump's shirt and manufactured in china. [ applause ] by the way, i do want to get to that in a second. but this loss came only a week after the president made a very blatant attempt to woo voters in pennsylvania by calling for heavy tariffs on foreign aluminum and steel. trump as you know wants to focus on america. american-made products and goods. so i wondered, because i agree with that, how things were going on his family website, trumpstore.com. have you been there? because i'm sure eric and donald jr. take this american thing very seriously. these guys are red, white and blue to the core. they're like a couple of flags wearing hair gel, these two. and in case you wonder what they do all day, they run trumpstore.com. this is the trump family's official online store that features, quote, the very latest in trump branded merchandise, apparel, headwear, gifts, and much more. and you know my wife was yelling

at me the whole time i was on the site saying "don't order anything from that!" i ordered a bunch of stuff from it. [ laughter ] and this is what happened. this is what came. [ cheers and applause ] my order came, first of all, in this box with a note with a golden seal on the back. and the note i will read to you. it says, "thank you for being one of the first customers to shop our brand new online store." maybe i was the only customer. i don't know. [ laughter ] "we are thrilled to launch this exciting new endeavor, and we are grateful for your support. we hope you enjoy your purchase and will visit us again very soon. with best wishes, donald trump jr., eric trump." well, thanks for the note, guys. you're the best. first of all i ordered a white trump golf hat, which i don't know if you can see but it's made in china.

i got a coffee mug that says trump on it, which is made in thailand. i got a golf club cover which is made in china but decorated in the usa. and that's something. [ cheers and applause ] i got a trump signature duffel bag which is made in china. i got a trump signature shoe bag which is made in china. i got a blanket which is made -- guess where this was made. yeah. china. [ laughter ] i got something for my son, a toddler bib just like the one the president wears when he eats cheeseburgers in bed. [ applause ] made in -- you want to guess where this one was made? [ audience says "china" ] no, peru. this is a good item. the trump golf collector

medallion. this is a medallion you collect i guess and on the back it says "made in china." i got -- now, these are interesting. i got a gold bar coin bank. i looked all over this thing. i looked all over the package. no country of origin listed. and an official trump pet bandanna, which cost a lot more than this should have cost, but this also, no country of origin listed, which i think is illegal. in fact, i looked up requirements for country of origin marking on goods imported in the u.s. goods that are imported into the u.s. are required to have a country of origin marking such as the country of manufacture production or growth of any article of foreign origin entering the united states. for example, goods originating in china should be marked made in china. failure to properly report product origin can result in substantial penalties. companies can face up to $500,000 in fines per violation or double the loss or gain from

the violation related to -- this could be very expensive, not to mention this has got to be embarrassing. are they capable of shame? i mean, trump's whole platform is about supporting american companies. his company isn't even supporting america. you know what i'm going to do? i'm sure eric and don jr. didn't know about this. i'm sure this was a simple oversight. i'll just file an official complaint. [ cheers and applause ] and let them sort it all out. the important thing is that the president's sons ude and quse are making a lot of money -- [ laughter ] -- selling crap with his name on it. president trump made a lot of money here last night. he was in beverly hills for a fund-raiser. he raised $5 million for his re-election campaign. trump's not very popular in california. he only got about a third of the vote in this state. so there were a lot of protests. i have to say the citizens of l.a. get high marks for sign making. there were some really good

ones. we shall overcomb. you can't build a wall. your hands are too small. you're not welcome and we let pauly shore live here. go back to f-ing porn stars instead of america. take scott baio and get the f out. and a two-parter, you are what you grab and don't get us all killed because you have a small penis. [ cheers and applause ] good use of posterboard. it wasn't just protesters. a number of trump supporters came out of the woodwork including trump's number one super fan jake byrd. he's always a sight to behold. if you're not familiar with his work, this was jake bird at a trump campaign rally in dallas some time back. >> by the way, can you see in the back they have the best view. can you see it's really my hair? >> yeah! yeah! yeah! >> jimmy: that is jake. and when we come back, jake bird

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there, welcome back to the show. will forte, vanessa bayer and music from the dirty heads is coming. but first, as you know, president trump was in town yesterday, and so was our pal jake bird. jake shows up at all the bigly events. he was on the campaign trail, he was at the inauguration, and he was on the ground yesterday in beverly hills to chat it up with trump supporters and with those who do not. >> jake bird here! my dream came true. donald the president trump is in california! let's go celebrate with the rest of his fans!

not today! these little things are infrastructure. >> somewhere between 300 and 500 people have turned out here in beverly hills to protest president trump's visit to los angeles. now, an issue that's getting a lot of attention out here is the president's hardline position on immigration. >> donald trump is hollywood. and he is establishment. he's just as establishment as hillary clinton and any one of them. >> this guy gets it. regardless of if we have differences of opinion or whatever we can agree on one thing. o.j. didn't do it. >> the solution is for everybody to get out and vote in 2018 and flip the house and flip the senate and get us some democrats that can put a stop to his policies. >> this real housewife of beverly hills is right.

we need more global warming and not these snowflakes. what do you hate jobs and money and being great? what up? too much soy pancakes with your marijuana kombucha latte? >> i'm from indiana one of the greatest countries in our union. just came out here on a wing and a prayer trying to do acting. didn't work out. don't have the right body type, so -- >> wrong, wrong! you look terrific. don't you let anyone body shame you. you're from indiana. the state of michael pence. okay? we're not here for fake news. we're here for jake news. tonight's top story, which vice president has the most kissable thin lips? we'll find out after the break. it's mike pence. >> it's not important but stormy daniels going to put him in jail or something? that's wrong. that's really wrong. >> everyone's getting on his case about stormy daniels. in 2006 she was a lot hotter. >> yeah. >> i think he's trying to destroy the free press. he's undermining the courts. he's basically eating out the

democratic institution -- >> don't be gross. listen, we finally have a president who appreciates older adult film stars as much as me and this guy do. >> hundreds came out to beverly hills tuesday evening to protest the president's visit and make one thing clear. >> his ideas are not wanted in california. >> but that doesn't apply to everybody. >> everyone's mad that he's building a wall. this is not the first wall that america's built against mexico. two words. remember the alamo. daniel boone and david crockpot built a wall to keep the mexicans out, and it worked pretty good. i know a lot about history because i used to sleep in the library. >> he's not welcome in california. >> trump didn't want to come to california. he doesn't like to go to places that even used to be mexico. >> we don't want him to visit california. >> you're with the hotel workers? >> yes. >> oh. hotel workers are always getting beaten up by guests.

you know, we used to go to the beverly hills hotel, down the street. with stormy daniels. >> oh, okay. >> i'm not allowed in the beverly hills hotel anymore. but i use td to meet all the biggest stars there. remember? >> joe isuzu, everyone. florence henderson. >> these two really love each other. they're having a lover's spat. a lover's quarrel. >> that's right. if trump was such a bad guy, why would he have invited him over? kim jong un is a great judge of character. let me rephrase that. kim jong un is a great judge, jury, and executioner of character. >> and so is he and he. and he. and he. >> bingo! >> well, it's been fun celebrating but it's time to get over to the fund-raiser. time to put my face on. got to get golden for my golden idol. ♪ hooray for donnywood

[ cheers and applause ] >> i'm so tan! >> jimmy: jake bird, everybody. all right. tonight on the show we have music from dirty heads. vanessa bayer is here. and we'll be right back with will forte. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by the brewers at guinness, who want to wish you a happy st. patrick's day. please drink responsibly. esponsibly. wide world, ♪ ♪ from your brother to your sister ♪ ♪ to your best friend's girl, ♪ don't bring that bad day with cha, ♪

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if you're looking for anbloom incredible selection of the brands you love, this season's newest trends for a fraction of what you'd pay at department stores, ♪ you gotta go to ross >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight a young woman you know from "saturday night live." you can see her next on a netflix show called "love." vanessa bayer is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] and then their album is called "swim team." dirty heads from the mercedes-benz stage. you can see dirty heads on tour all this summer starting may 18th in chula vista here in

california. tomorrow night zach braff and nick robinson will be here. and we'll have music from our first guest is among the funniest people who are in this country and alive. his great show "the last man on earth" returns to fox on sunday night. please welcome will forte. [ cheers and applause ] how are you? >> i am so flustered and -- >> jimmy: why? >> i got here late. i barely made it. >> jimmy: really? >> i couldn't find my freaking pants. i was looking all over the place. and i remembered that i put them in the freezer. yeah. >> jimmy: why? >> because my washing machine is broken. >> jimmy: so does that refresh them? >> i have friends who just don't

wash their jeans so they don't fade. >> jimmy: oh. >> and my machine is broken. i've been on a trip. i didn't have a chance to wash my pants. i've only got like one pair of pants anyway. so i threw them in the freezer, said i'll try this out. it's such a dumb thing that i was -- of course i forgot they were in the freezer. >> jimmy: and when you put them on are they uncomfortable? >> frozen. i had to wait for them to thaw a little bit and it was like i'm going to be late. >> jimmy: can i feel them? yeah, they feel a little cool. they smell like peas. like snowbird peas. >> that's what i was going for. >> jimmy: i'm impressed you have rooms room in your freezer for pants. i would have no room. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: is this a show beard or a recreational beard right now? >> i can't really say exactly. we'd have a lot of spoilers with facial hair on our show but something did happen with my

hair, i had a big thick beard and several things happened. this is just like a personal beard. >> jimmy: that's personal beard right now. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i know you sometimes have to shave it. last time you were here you shaved an eyebrow off. you shaved both eyebrows off. >> that's the scariest thing. >> jimmy: i would think so. >> you get warned by everybody that like they might not come back. >> jimmy: how do they know that? who's doing this in the first place? >> i don't know. i think scientists must test it, i guess. but you know, you take a leap of faith. >> jimmy: for your art. you have to really. and these are not little toupees on your head. these are -- >> no. >> jimmy: these are the real deal. >> pretty scary when you first do it and they're coming back because it starts just growing back a little bit here. and you go, well, what about this part over here? you realize that eyebrows are just basically like combovers for your upper eyes. they start out here then they go

bloop. >> jimmy: yeah. little donald trump's on your head. you brought a couple of pictures, and i like to show them because you did bring them. oh, this is interesting because we just met a couple of guys in the audience who are on a father-son trip right now. and you went on a father-son trip. >> yeah. i just got back. >> jimmy: from a ski trip. >> big ski trip. that's me skiing. we went to this place called bald face in eastern british columbia. it's this amazing place where they snowcat you up to this fresh powder. >> jimmy: do you have to shave your eyebrows to go to that place? >> you don't. they take all sorts of brow hair. >> jimmy: it looks like you're a pretty good skier there. and you've got -- >> that's any dad. >> jimmy: what's dad doing right here? >> i realized that more than half the pictures i took of the trip are of him peeing in the snow. [ laughter ] but he is a legitimately good skier as well. >> jimmy: a skier and a p yesser. >> better skier than peer.

>> jimmy: what do you do -- you've got skiing. but in the off times. >> we do a lot of stuff. it was actually nice to have this time alone with my dad. we built it into a little week of -- we had a leadup trip where we went to portland. >> jimmy: really? >> and he is an amazing skier but his hearing is going -- he's 74. so he's still ripping it up on ski hills. but his hearing's kind of bad. so he started wearing a hearing aid. don't tell him i said this. but the hearing aid start breaking. sew didn't bring his hearing aids on the trip. we're in this place called mothers, this little brunch place in portland. and any dad, because he doesn't have the hearing aids, he doesn't have the volume control for parts of speech. so we're having this conversation and something made him think about this magruber sketch i did.

we always talk about magruber. [ applause ] something at this brunch makes him think about it, sew says, oh, yeah, remember boo laboeuf and he dropped his backpack and out comes this anal lube! [ laughter ] that level -- it was like he was talking in library tones and then for "anal lube" it was like the volume that somebody would yell at their kid if they were about to be hit by a tractor. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: tractor full of anal lube. >> i didn't tell him, i didn't have the heart to tell him, but everyone in the brunch place looked over. it was like "when harry met sally," the orgasm thing. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but there were like no people saying "i'll have what he's having." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is this like you regularly -- do you ever go on vacation without your dad or is this always a dad --

>> yeah. no, i only go with my dad. no, i'll go places. the last big vacation i took was to -- i went to london and i got to go and visit the han solo set. >> jimmy: the movie. they-d they let you in there? >> they did. they make you sign a huge non-disclosure agreement. >> jimmy: right. >> and they tape up the camera on your phone. and you just walk in and see what you see in there. >> jimmy: they actually tape it up as if you couldn't get tape off of your phone. >> i know. that was the weird thing. because i'm very adept at tape removal they don't even ask you about that. >> jimmy: your producers were directing that movie. right? or they wrote that movie. >> they were directing it for a time. and then they were not directing it for a time. >> jimmy: right. so now do you feel like you have to abide by the non-disclosure agreement? >> i'm in a gray area i think.

in that stormy daniels area. >> jimmy: you are. yes. can you tell us anything about what you saw there? a little something. just tell us what did you do while you were there? >> they had buildings. and they had food. >> jimmy: the characters had the food? >> i don't think that it would -- well, i can't say that. i can't -- jrnt you can >> jimmy: you can't say what you're thinking. >> t >> the actors had food. the characters -- there might not even be characters. i know the answers but i can't tell you. >> jimmy: wow, they taped up your soul too. >> yeah. they did. >> jimmy: it was worth a try anyway. we're going to take a break. by the way, i saw this episode of "last man on earth." this is one of the funniest things i've seen. this is a great one. we'll come back with will forte after this. touch is how we communicate

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now, carl. >> mm-hmm. >> what would you say if i told you that todd and i were out there in that cemetery tonight? >> what did you see out there?

>> from where we were perched oh, noticed something rather alarming. stupefying even. >> you did? >> see, it looked to us like maybe you had dug your little fingy-wingys into a little cadavy-wavey and took a teeny little bitesy-witesy. >> will forte and fred armisen in "the last man on earth." this episode is ridiculous hilarious. i think it's okay to say fred armisen plays a cannibal. >> and he does. he plays a cannibal on the show and he was trapped in jail and then the virus hit and he somehow was the only person who survived, meets up with us. we don't know he's a cannibal. and we find out right there. spoiler.

>> jimmy: he's very, very funny in this. >> so good. >> jimmy: before you put a cannibal in the show do you have to run that by the network or do you just -- >> oh, you have to run everything by them. but it was interesting because i think "brooklyn nine nine" had also had a cannibal on their show and it was tim meadows. >> lucky for you. >> two "snl" guys on fox being cannibals. >> jimmy: a lot of former snl-ers become cannibals. martin short was on your show. >> will ferrell, jon hamm. chris elliott. kristen wiig. >> jimmy: most of them meet an almost immediate demise. >> like within seconds. a lot of them. >> jimmy: who's your favorite of all those people? >> i signed a non-disclosure agreement. >> jimmy: oh, you did? >> yeah. sorry. [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, you do what you can. >> it's so much fun, though, having people that i've known forever like fred and kristen come on because you just get to

mess around in between takes and stuff. and kristen and i would just sing songs constantly. we made up this neverending medley we would force on other people. i just have a little sliver of one of them. this is just me singing it solo. forgive me. >> jimmy: was in the freezer with your pants? >> no. this was -- yes, it was. i mean yes, it was. okay. ♪ 1-877-cars for kids. krs cards for sa lichlt to & barnes ♪ ♪ injury attorney ♪ 86735309 ♪ 588-2300 ♪ empire >> jimmy: wow.

[ applause ] >> that is like 1/20 of the length of the song. >> jimmy: and that probably doesn't get annoying after the thousandth time. >> oh, people love it. >> jimmy: well, i highly recommend, if you've not seen "the last man on earth" watch it sunday night 9:30 on fox. will forte, everybody. we'll be right back with vanessa bayer. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ introducing our new tiered cami dress. ♪ race in to old navy for up to fifty percent off all dresses. women's from fifteen dollars. girls' from ten dollars, at old navy. ♪ we get so busy, day to day. we don't get the chance to connect.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. still to come, dirty heads. our next guest is a very talented woman whom you know from "saturday night live." now you can see her on "love," which is on netflix. please welcome vanessa bayer. [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing? how's everything? >> everything is good. how's everything with you? >> jimmy: everything is very good. thank you for having. nobody ever asks me about me. they come out here. like will, it's like i had my pants in the freezer. >> yeah.

>> jimmy: did you know that about him, that he freezes his pants? >> no. >> jimmy: how long were you on "saturday night live"? how many seasons? >> seven seasons. >> jimmy: that's a lot of seasons. [ cheers and applause ] and then they caught you stealing post-it notes and you were asked to leave, yes? >> i mean, legitimately i did steal so much stuff. >> jimmy: oh, you did? >> yeah. >> jimmy: like what kind of stuff did you steal? >> oh, my gosh. like office supplies like anyone would. and then just any kind of food i could get my hands on, drinks. i'm stealing stuff from here. [ laughter ] it's in my bag. >> jimmy: feel free to take anything you like. it's all there for you. well, you were a guest on "saturday night live" saturday night. >> right. yeah. >> jimmy: was that a fun thing coming back? >> it was so fun to come back. but also i was treated like a queen. i have this dressing room that had all of this cheese. speak of stealing stuff, it had all of this cheese and crackers and stuff that i used to steal from the guest dressing rooms. and when it was in my room i was like i don't want it.

>> jimmy: that forbidden fruit. >> and i ordered so much food i didn't even eat, and i was ordering all this starbucks and stuff. usually you have to pay for that stuff on saturday. >> jimmy: if you work there, yeah. >> if you work there you have to pay for it. but if you're a guest they're like do you want anything? and i'm like, yeah, anything. >> jimmy: everything. has it been difficult to acclimate into normal society since "saturday night live"? >> it's interesting because i'm getting to explore new york city more because i'm a little less busy. when i was at "saturday night live" i would often have lorne michaels, you know, the creator of "snl," i'd often have his office call and make like dinner reservations for me. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. they'd be like we're calling from lorne michaels' office, we'd like to make a reservation for vanessa bayer or whatever, and it sounded very official even if they didn't know who i was, they knew that was a thing. so now i pretend to be my own assistant. when i call to make dinner

reservations. but i don't want them to recognize my voice. so i'll use an accent. i've tried like southern but it's very like hey, y'all, i want to make a reservation for vanessa bayer. and then they're like oh, that's vanessa doing a bad accent. i mostly do british. because i think then it sounds like i have a very dignified assistant who's like, ello, i want to make a reservation for vanessa bayer. and it's maybe -- but just to be safe, then when i get to the restaurant i don't want them to be like oh, that sounds like the british woman who called. so i'll try to just not talk a lot once i'm at the restaurant. table. food. >> jimmy: i hope you never have to let your fake assistant go because that could be really psychologically damaging. >> sometimes i go to a restaurant and i go my assistant made a reservation. and they'll go, no, she didn't. and i'm lying. i'm making that up.

>> jimmy: i see. >> and then i go, well, i'm going to call her. so i just pick up my phone and i'm like -- it's basically the apps on my -- and i'm just like, did you make the res? well, you're fired. and then they're like oh, we feel bad, that's so serious to you. >> jimmy: right. >> this really meant something. you fired an assistant. so we should give you -- >> jimmy: maybe planning ahead is something you might want to consider. you are on the show "love" on netflix which i enjoy. i've watched every episode of that show. >> oh, good. i love that show. >> jimmy: this is the third season. >> yes. >> jimmy: but i know you that play -- >> paul rust's character gus. >> jimmy: he's a nerd. >> he's a nerd. i mean, i feel bad. i'm a nerd -- >> jimmy: he's a nerd but that's not an insult anymore. >> yeah. it's a -- >> jimmy: he's definitely a nerd. there's no two ways about it. >> yeah. i play his ex-girlfriend. i don't want to give -- i mean,

i guess the show -- like i -- but throughout the course of the episode you see that we really have like a very serious -- he sort of plays it off like we weren't that serious but then you see we were in a very serious relationship. so i give a -- we're at this wedding and i give a toast and everything and then things sort of -- was that a good description? >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] but we know what happened. let's just say you didn't exactly sell it. but that's not the important part. >> yeah. >> jimmy: the part i wanted to ask about is the wedding toast itself. >> yeah. >> jimmy: have you given toasts at weddings? >> yes. i'm actually very confident in my skills. >> jimmy: oh, you are? good. >> yeah. one time i was at my friend lizzie's wedding and someone came up to me and said your toast was the best part of the wedding. now, i hope she's not mad at me for saying that. because the wedding was great. you know, but -- [ laughter ] but i do pride myself on giving really great wedding speeches. and i know like, yeah, the

wedding's about the bride and groom. but i feel like it's kind of about me and getting up there and showing everyone, you know, i can make them laugh, i can make them cry. you know, i just want to manipulate everyone's feelings. >> jimmy: take them on a roller coaster. but can you give tips? because i've over and over again seen some very bad speeches at events of this type. >> well, of course. i mean, first of all, i always like to establish i'm a legit friend of this person. you know, i don't want them to think i'm just someone coming in at the last minute. you know, i like to give a story from growing up to be like -- again, it's about me at the end of the day. like a story from growing up. people love stories from when people are little. even if they like ate a snack weird or something, people are like oh, that's so -- people are dumb, you guys. [ laughter ] so i'll tell a story that really establishes me as like an old friend of this person >> jimmy: good. >> and then i'll make some jokes

and i'll say -- i'll make a joke of i know i'm the most famous person at this wedding but i'm also a friend of the bride or something. and oh, she's likeable. >> jimmy: all right. well, most people probably won't be able to do that. >> try it. and then i like to like link things to something -- like bring up something about you know, the relationship between the bride and the groom, me and the bride or me and the groom. and sort of like make people cry and be like, you know -- show them that like i can actually make myself cry pretty easily. and get emotional. and we'll all kind of go through this thing so by the end of the speech i also -- keep it short but by the end of the speech they feel like this is why i'm here. you know? >> jimmy: in a way you encapsulate and validate their love. >> that's who i am.

>> jimmy: if i ever get married again i'd love you to make a speech. >> i would love you to be there. does that mean -- >> jimmy: well, i'm going to have to tell my wife. but we'll figure it out. we don't want to get bogged down in the details. >> right, right. >> jimmy: well, it's very good to see you. watch vanessa on "love." it's available now on netflix. vanessa bayer. we'll be right back with dirty heads. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. ♪ ♪ hello? hello! ♪ hello? hello. hello? hello. ♪ hello, i got your package.

you can just leave it, thanks. ♪ ♪ hello? can i help you? hello! hello? hello!!! hello hello!!! ♪

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank will forte, vanessa bayer. apologies to gnat da matt damon. we did run out of time for him. this album is called "swim team." here with the song "celebrate" with help from the unlikely candidates, dirty heads! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ mom if you can hear me i think i made it twenty-thousand fans ♪ ♪ from the stage i'm standing on ♪ ♪ i want you to know i appreciate it one day i'll come home

we can celebrate ♪ ♪ mom i gotta go the curtain's calling all the way from rome i'm really sorry ♪ ♪ tell my little sister i said hey one day i'll come home we can celebrate ♪ ♪ yeah these late nights and these long drives full moon under dark skies ♪ ♪ tears fall behind phone screens lonely hearts lead to bad dreams ♪ ♪ wish that i could be there for you i hope that life will be fair for you ♪ ♪ can't sleep cause i'm always thinking and passing out off of codeine ♪ ♪ and i hope you know that i'm not complaining hope you know i appreciate it ♪ ♪ every day is just filled with love man every day is just thanks and praises ♪ ♪ but memories of your birthday they get me in the worst way ♪ ♪ when you say dad it's okay when you get home we can celebrate ♪ ♪ mom if you can hear me i think i made it twenty-thousand fans ♪ ♪ from the stage i'm standing on i want you to know

i appreciate it ♪ ♪ one day i'll come home we can celebrate mom i gotta go the curtain's calling ♪ ♪ all the way from rome i'm really sorry tell my little sister i said hey ♪ ♪ one day i'll come home we can celebrate ♪ ♪ not the money not the fame love the struggle love the pain ♪ ♪ after all that we have gained we realize we're all the same ♪ ♪ sacrifice my brothers cried we've been gone when family died ♪ ♪ losing my focus symphonies open singing my opus just for a moment ♪ ♪ one day i'll get home and we can throw a big party m ♪ invite other people that helped us get started ♪ ♪ to all of you artists that feel a martyr don't ever give up you just gotta go harder ♪ ♪ mom if you can hear me i think i made it twenty-thousand fans from the stage i'm standing on ♪ ♪ i want you to know i appreciate it one day i'll come home we can celebrate ♪ ♪ mom i gotta go the curtain's calling all the way from rome i'm really sorry ♪ ♪ tell my little sister i said hey one day i'll come home

we can celebrate ♪ ♪ every night feels like another weekend keep pretending that it's easy ♪ ♪ sold my soul for a wrecking ball i shot at the moon but i mostly fall ♪ ♪ mom if you can hear me i think i made it twenty-thousand fans ♪ ♪ from the stage i'm standing on i want you to know i appreciate it ♪ ♪ one day i'll come home we can celebrate ♪ ♪ mom i gotta go the curtain's calling all the way from rome i'm really sorry ♪ ♪ tell my little sister i said hey one day i'll come home we can celebrate ♪ ♪ one day i'll come home we can celebrate ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

this is "nightline." >> tonight, taking steps. exactly one month after the florida high school shooting thousands of students across the country staging walkouts in protest. >> end gun violence! >> but in parkland it's personal. >> sometimes i play it back in my head. it scares me to go to sleep. >> newly released 911 calls. >> please, please, please, there's people here. they're all bleeding and they're going to die. >> the suspect in court today facing victims' families and making his plea. parkland honoring lost friends and turning anger into action. >> i want to make sure that no one's best friend gets killed near them ever again. >> announcer: "n